GM's thread about nothing (30 Viewers)

[John Bender]

at a few of these

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

 

[madhatter]

My wife got a full time contract gig after 30 months of unemployment. Household income skyrocketing up!

 

[Idiot Boxer]

at a few of these

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

 

[YSR]

My wife got a full time contract gig after 30 months of unemployment. Household income skyrocketing up!

AND, she gets to travel to SC!

 

[JerseyToughGuys]

at a few of these

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

I don't think this one is very "worst" at all.ETA missed the "best/worst" bit. I will shut up now.

 

[YSR]

HUSTLA DA RABBIT

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

at a few of these

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

lolz

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

Wah wah:

[uPDATE 12/1/11: It has come to my attention that most, if not all, of these were actually written for a Washington Post contest, not by high schoolers. As a journalist, I feel it's my responsibility to set the record straight now that this post, for some reason, is garnering thousands of hits. Even so, I think we can all agree these similes are pretty hilarious regardless of who wrote them. I've also had a good handful of comments that these are not analogies — yes, it would probably be more accurate to call them similes, the technical name for this rhetorical device, but an analogy is simply a comparison between two things, which is still true for these. I kept this title to remain true to the original post from which I borrowed this. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and were able to have a laugh!]

 

[proninja]

"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

 

[Sconch]

Wah wah:

[uPDATE 12/1/11: It has come to my attention that most, if not all, of these were actually written for a Washington Post contest, not by high schoolers. As a journalist, I feel it's my responsibility to set the record straight now that this post, for some reason, is garnering thousands of hits. Even so, I think we can all agree these similes are pretty hilarious regardless of who wrote them. I've also had a good handful of comments that these are not analogies — yes, it would probably be more accurate to call them similes, the technical name for this rhetorical device, but an analogy is simply a comparison between two things, which is still true for these. I kept this title to remain true to the original post from which I borrowed this. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and were able to have a laugh!]

A lot of these go back to the late 90s via email.ETA: "Analysis: If most of these fractured bon mots seem too clever to have been accidentally conceived by high school essayists, that's because they weren't. They were entries in a long-running Washington Post contest launched in 1993 called "The Syle Invitational." "

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

HUSTLA DA RABBIT

So good.

 

[Sconch]

HUSTLA DA RABBIT

So good.

It's like the ******* love-child of Mike Crimes and Cranbrulet.

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

HUSTLA DA RABBIT

So good.

It's like the ******* love-child of Mike Crimes and Cranbrulet.

I was sad that there was only two pages worth.

 

[cosjobs]

HUSTLA DA RABBIT

inlaws of yours?

 

[guru_007]

We shouldn't overlook those of us who have really done nothing nor made any contributions lately. We are the standard by which the achievers are measured. Way to go guys

I think I speak for all of me when I say, you're welcome.

 

[General Malaise]

Christmas for a 3 year old. We can't wrap presents and put them out because he and his 1 year old sister will prematurely open them. Should we bother wrapping them at all or should we set them all up after bed on Christmas Eve so they are all out and ready to go when they get up? What's more exciting for a 3 year old - a room full of toys or unwrapping presents and seeing what the are? The former I think, but I could also see many presents already opened and set up might be too overwhelming.

It's a royal pain in the ###, but wrap on Christmas Eve and put out after bed. The 3yr old should go absolutely nuts with all the presents.

I seem to recall wrapping gifts and storing them in my trunk until the big day.

 

[General Malaise]

I had lunch with this gal (Greek joint FTW) and it was rather fun. A little background, her mother is French, her father German & although she was born in the USA, she grew up in France. Anyhow, she tells me that her 17 yo son came to her the other day and said he thought he was ready to start having sex. She replied "son, from your POV the first time you have sex is going to be a short hug and then you go brag to your friends. From her POV for the first time, it will be a short hug and then she'll go home and start making wedding plans. I suggest you stick to jacking off in the shower."I love this gal.

 

[Mr. Pickles]

HUSTLA DA RABBIT

So good.

It's like the ******* love-child of Mike Crimes and Cranbrulet.

I was sad that there was only two pages worth.

Amusing, but just as fake as Crimes.

 

[General Malaise]

Wife's brother in town from Detroit. I volunteered to clean our house last night as she had to work late. I have carpeted stairs and attempted to vaccuum (like diahreah, i have no idea how this word is spelled) them last night as they looked pretty dingy. Now, I'm not one who is permitted to operate the vaccuum very often and I suck at cleaning in general, but last night I think I operated my last vaccuum cleaner and spearheaded my last cleaning campaign.I'm not sure how one is supposed to go about vaccuuming stairs, but as I was attempting to do so, I put the vaccuum on one stair and used the hose thingie to try and suck up the debris from a top stair. To keep the vaccuum from toppling over, I planted my foot on top of the base. A few seconds after doing this, I noticed a slight burning scent in the air. I mother freaking burned a hole through the carpet in my stairs. not just a tiny hole, but a giant hurking black hole of burnt carpet that now greets us at the top of the stair case.Yes, look at me. I have stairs.Rover, do you think I could borrow Knuckles every other week for cleanings?

How old, exactly, is your vacuum cleaner?

I just bought it from Best, Buy and Beyond like 4 months ago.

 

[cosjobs]

The wagering thread has been hijacked by BCS and SEC arguing.

I really, really want to bet the ranch on the Seahawks tonight. Thoughts?

eta- I don't actually have a ranch

 

[proninja]

The wagering thread has been hijacked by BCS and SEC arguing.I really, really want to bet the ranch on the Seahawks tonight. Thoughts?eta- I don't actually have a ranch

Jackson has a torn pectoral. He is so, so slow to make a decision. He is also Tavarias Jackson. Rice is out, BMW has been horrid this year, and the right half of the offensive line is gone for the season with injuries. Rex Grossman came into the Clink last week and beat the Hawks. Maybe it's the Seattle sports fan waiting to get shat upon in me, but there's no way I'd bet the house on the 'hawks. *I am not responsible for any decision you make should the Seahawks win tonight

 

[General Malaise]

A few seconds after doing this, I noticed a slight burning scent in the air. I mother freaking burned a hole through the carpet in my stairs. not just a tiny hole, but a giant hurking black hole of burnt carpet that now greets us at the top of the stair case.Yes, look at me. I have stairs.Rover, do you think I could borrow Knuckles every other week for cleanings?

We have stairs too. I vacuum them all the time. What caused the fire? Do you own some sort of gas-powered vacuum?

Okay, I'll bite. How do you vacuum stairs? The vacuum cleaner is base is fatter than the width of the stair, so when I try and go back and forth on it, it doesn't really suck very well. If I turn the vacuum base to go north and south, it still is too fat for the stair. So I have to use the little hose attachment deal and try it that way, but when I do that, I have to balance the vacuum cleaner on a stair below so it won't topple over.Can I get some video footage of a successful vacuuming of the staircase?

 

[proninja]

A few seconds after doing this, I noticed a slight burning scent in the air. I mother freaking burned a hole through the carpet in my stairs. not just a tiny hole, but a giant hurking black hole of burnt carpet that now greets us at the top of the stair case.

Yes, look at me. I have stairs.

Rover, do you think I could borrow Knuckles every other week for cleanings?

We have stairs too. I vacuum them all the time. What caused the fire? Do you own some sort of gas-powered vacuum?

Okay, I'll bite. How do you vacuum stairs? The vacuum cleaner is base is fatter than the width of the stair, so when I try and go back and forth on it, it doesn't really suck very well. If I turn the vacuum base to go north and south, it still is too fat for the stair. So I have to use the little hose attachment deal and try it that way, but when I do that, I have to balance the vacuum cleaner on a stair below so it won't topple over.Can I get some video footage of a successful vacuuming of the staircase?

My link

 

[General Malaise]

A few seconds after doing this, I noticed a slight burning scent in the air. I mother freaking burned a hole through the carpet in my stairs. not just a tiny hole, but a giant hurking black hole of burnt carpet that now greets us at the top of the stair case.Yes, look at me. I have stairs.Rover, do you think I could borrow Knuckles every other week for cleanings?

We have stairs too. I vacuum them all the time. What caused the fire? Do you own some sort of gas-powered vacuum?

Maybe standing on the motor and mashing it into the carpet did it? Just a guess.

Yeah, this. I parked a foot on the base to keep it from toppling down the stairs. Next thing I know, it smelled like it does when I accidentally light my eyebrow hair on fire when I smoke from a bong.

 

[cosjobs]

A few seconds after doing this, I noticed a slight burning scent in the air. I mother freaking burned a hole through the carpet in my stairs. not just a tiny hole, but a giant hurking black hole of burnt carpet that now greets us at the top of the stair case.Yes, look at me. I have stairs.Rover, do you think I could borrow Knuckles every other week for cleanings?

We have stairs too. I vacuum them all the time. What caused the fire? Do you own some sort of gas-powered vacuum?

Okay, I'll bite. How do you vacuum stairs? The vacuum cleaner is base is fatter than the width of the stair, so when I try and go back and forth on it, it doesn't really suck very well. If I turn the vacuum base to go north and south, it still is too fat for the stair. So I have to use the little hose attachment deal and try it that way, but when I do that, I have to balance the vacuum cleaner on a stair below so it won't topple over.Can I get some video footage of a successful vacuuming of the staircase?

work a little harder at your day job and hire a maid.

 

[General Malaise]

A few seconds after doing this, I noticed a slight burning scent in the air. I mother freaking burned a hole through the carpet in my stairs. not just a tiny hole, but a giant hurking black hole of burnt carpet that now greets us at the top of the stair case.

Yes, look at me. I have stairs.

Rover, do you think I could borrow Knuckles every other week for cleanings?

We have stairs too. I vacuum them all the time. What caused the fire? Do you own some sort of gas-powered vacuum?

Okay, I'll bite. How do you vacuum stairs? The vacuum cleaner is base is fatter than the width of the stair, so when I try and go back and forth on it, it doesn't really suck very well. If I turn the vacuum base to go north and south, it still is too fat for the stair. So I have to use the little hose attachment deal and try it that way, but when I do that, I have to balance the vacuum cleaner on a stair below so it won't topple over.Can I get some video footage of a successful vacuuming of the staircase?

My link

Yeah, I know. That's why I don't have any successful history with this task. But she was working late and her brother was coming into town, so I thought I'd help out and clean the place. Instead, the house smelled like burnt hair and the staircase looks like crack dealers live there.

 

[Drifter]

Does Amazon.com have a phone number? I need help.

What's up GB?

 

[General Malaise]

A few seconds after doing this, I noticed a slight burning scent in the air. I mother freaking burned a hole through the carpet in my stairs. not just a tiny hole, but a giant hurking black hole of burnt carpet that now greets us at the top of the stair case.Yes, look at me. I have stairs.Rover, do you think I could borrow Knuckles every other week for cleanings?

We have stairs too. I vacuum them all the time. What caused the fire? Do you own some sort of gas-powered vacuum?

Okay, I'll bite. How do you vacuum stairs? The vacuum cleaner is base is fatter than the width of the stair, so when I try and go back and forth on it, it doesn't really suck very well. If I turn the vacuum base to go north and south, it still is too fat for the stair. So I have to use the little hose attachment deal and try it that way, but when I do that, I have to balance the vacuum cleaner on a stair below so it won't topple over.Can I get some video footage of a successful vacuuming of the staircase?

work a little harder at your day job and hire a maid.

Screw that. I'll just divorce my wife and look for a sibling to Knuckles.

 

[Sconch]

HUSTLA DA RABBIT

So good.

It's like the ******* love-child of Mike Crimes and Cranbrulet.

I was sad that there was only two pages worth.

Amusing, but just as fake as Crimes.

WiggerSkeptic?

 

[General Malaise]

Does Amazon.com have a phone number? I need help.

What's up GB?

Cosjobs set me straight.Though I do wonder why Amazon doesn't have a phone number listed on its website. Sometimes, I just want to call and talk about placing my order online. Also, gonna be in Seattle tomorrow/Saturday. Will probably be at some LSU bar in Freemont to watch the game Sat. night. You know...if you, Rover, Pigskin or Knuckles want to stop by for a beer or something.

 

[Sconch]

A few seconds after doing this, I noticed a slight burning scent in the air. I mother freaking burned a hole through the carpet in my stairs. not just a tiny hole, but a giant hurking black hole of burnt carpet that now greets us at the top of the stair case.Yes, look at me. I have stairs.Rover, do you think I could borrow Knuckles every other week for cleanings?

We have stairs too. I vacuum them all the time. What caused the fire? Do you own some sort of gas-powered vacuum?

Okay, I'll bite. How do you vacuum stairs?

Start at the top of the stairs. Actually the second step from the top. Rest the vac on the stair behind/below you. Hold on to the handle so it doesn't fall. Use the hose/attachments on the top step. Then move down one step at a time...vacuuming the step you were just standing on. WALA

 

[Aaron Rudnicki]

9 User(s) are reading this topic

6 members, 1 guests, 1 anonymous users

Aaron Rudnicki,

Google,

Sconch,

Gee Spot,

Samuel L Bronkowitz,

General Malaise,

Drifter,

YSR*,

cosjobs

 

[Bob Sacamano]

GM needs a longer hose.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

9 User(s) are reading this topic

6 members, 1 guests, 1 anonymous users

Aaron Rudnicki,

Google,

Sconch,

Gee Spot,

Samuel L Bronkowitz,

General Malaise,

Drifter,

YSR*,

cosjobs

Probably knuckles.

 

[General Malaise]

OH would love the challenge of cooking for a GMTAN cornhole.

I challenge him to a fried cheese curd cookoff.

Accepted.

I will crush you.

Last week I made a fresh goat's milk marscapone-ish thing at work for laughs (our local goat cheese purveyor--the excellent Bonnie Blue Farms--gave us a few quarts of goat's milk. I was bored and never before worked with goat's milk.)and it was truly awful. The lemon and salt that one uses to make marscapone doesn't work well at ALL with the tangy goatiness of the milk--makes it taste like sour garbage.

BUT--I remembered once having chevre' with a raspberry vinaigrette and it tasted great. So I took the other two quarts of goat milk and steeped in it a handful of IQF raspberries and some chervil, strained it, salted it, heated it up very slowly, and added a bit of raspberry vinegar and vegetable rennet to get it to curdle. Let it simmer until I got some nice, fat curds, and dumped the works into a perforated hotel pan lined with some cheese cloth. Put another hotel pan on top of the works and weighted it down with whatever the hell happened to be near me and could fit into a hotel pan (in this case, it was a few gallons of pommace-grade olive oil). Put the whole mess in the walk-in cooler and forgot about it for a while.

Remembered it 48 hours later and checked it out. Pulled out a shiny, slightly pink, dimply sheet of pressed goat curds that were as firm and waxy as a deli provolone, but slightly porous and inconsistent in texture. It tasted pretty good--not nearly as good as the BBF chevre', but still pretty good and pleasantly raspberry-ish. So I cut the sheet into squares, coated a few with flour, egg-wash, and a mixture of panko and toasted, ground pine nuts. Fried 'em crispy in a sautee pan, served them to some of my coworkers with an arugula salad, lardons, and a raspberry vinaigrette made by taking the raspberry reduction we use for some desserts and whisking in cider vinegar. It was a good lunch. The servers liked it, and my chef was able to use some of the curd squares for vegetarian specials. That was the first time I ever tried to fry a curd and a handful of people payed actual money for the privilege of eating it.

I will crush you.

I got a lardon just reading that.Congrats on the new gig!

Looks like I missed an EPIC page from yesterday with great news for OH, DP and YSR.

 

[General Malaise]

OH would love the challenge of cooking for a GMTAN cornhole.

I challenge him to a fried cheese curd cookoff.

Accepted.I will crush you.Last week I made a fresh goat's milk marscapone-ish thing at work for laughs (our local goat cheese purveyor--the excellent Bonnie Blue Farms--gave us a few quarts of goat's milk. I was bored and never before worked with goat's milk.)and it was truly awful. The lemon and salt that one uses to make marscapone doesn't work well at ALL with the tangy goatiness of the milk--makes it taste like sour garbage. BUT--I remembered once having chevre' with a raspberry vinaigrette and it tasted great. So I took the other two quarts of goat milk and steeped in it a handful of IQF raspberries and some chervil, strained it, salted it, heated it up very slowly, and added a bit of raspberry vinegar and vegetable rennet to get it to curdle. Let it simmer until I got some nice, fat curds, and dumped the works into a perforated hotel pan lined with some cheese cloth. Put another hotel pan on top of the works and weighted it down with whatever the hell happened to be near me and could fit into a hotel pan (in this case, it was a few gallons of pommace-grade olive oil). Put the whole mess in the walk-in cooler and forgot about it for a while. Remembered it 48 hours later and checked it out. Pulled out a shiny, slightly pink, dimply sheet of pressed goat curds that were as firm and waxy as a deli provolone, but slightly porous and inconsistent in texture. It tasted pretty good--not nearly as good as the BBF chevre', but still pretty good and pleasantly raspberry-ish. So I cut the sheet into squares, coated a few with flour, egg-wash, and a mixture of panko and toasted, ground pine nuts. Fried 'em crispy in a sautee pan, served them to some of my coworkers with an arugula salad, lardons, and a raspberry vinaigrette made by taking the raspberry reduction we use for some desserts and whisking in cider vinegar. It was a good lunch. The servers liked it, and my chef was able to use some of the curd squares for vegetarian specials. That was the first time I ever tried to fry a curd and a handful of people payed actual money for the privilege of eating it.I will crush you.

You do realize that the extent of shuke's cheese curd cooking prowess involves picking up a package of these things from the local Meijer and throwing them in a pot of oil.

I HAD TO MAKE THE BATTER, TOO, ****.

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

HUSTLA DA RABBIT

So good.

It's like the ******* love-child of Mike Crimes and Cranbrulet.

I was sad that there was only two pages worth.

Amusing, but just as fake as Crimes.

Leaning fake too, but I'll take it.

 

[-fish-]

Does Amazon.com have a phone number? I need help.

What's up GB?

Cosjobs set me straight.Though I do wonder why Amazon doesn't have a phone number listed on its website. Sometimes, I just want to call and talk about placing my order online. Also, gonna be in Seattle tomorrow/Saturday. Will probably be at some LSU bar in Freemont to watch the game Sat. night. You know...if you, Rover, Pigskin or Knuckles want to stop by for a beer or something.

I just pm'd you my number. text or call where you end up. I have my daughter until 5 on Saturday but have no plans that night, and it just so happens I like beer.

 

[-fish-]

Put the final batch of divorce papers in the mail to the court today. After a three-year ordeal, I will be officially single on December 19. Probably end up in Vegas marrying a stripper by the end of 2011.

I am, by the way, the best ex-husband ever. My ex is 1 year away from paying off her car and afraid that money's going to be too tight for her to keep it. It's a good car with low miles; dumb for her to not pay it off, so I'm going to split the payments with her voluntarily.

 

[Sconch]

Help for GM and his stairs.

 

[JerseyToughGuys]

Help for GM and his stairs.

lol

 

[Samuel L Bronkowitz]

Help for GM and his stairs.

 

[YSR]

Help for GM and his stairs.

Why is he vacuuming with his penis?

 

[urbanhack]

Just pressed "send" on my final payment to the EX.

PARTY TIME

:confetti:

 

[-fish-]

Just pressed "send" on my final payment to the EX.PARTY TIME:confetti:

congrats!

 

[St. Louis Bob]

OH would love the challenge of cooking for a GMTAN cornhole.

I challenge him to a fried cheese curd cookoff.

Accepted.I will crush you.Last week I made a fresh goat's milk marscapone-ish thing at work for laughs (our local goat cheese purveyor--the excellent Bonnie Blue Farms--gave us a few quarts of goat's milk. I was bored and never before worked with goat's milk.)and it was truly awful. The lemon and salt that one uses to make marscapone doesn't work well at ALL with the tangy goatiness of the milk--makes it taste like sour garbage. BUT--I remembered once having chevre' with a raspberry vinaigrette and it tasted great. So I took the other two quarts of goat milk and steeped in it a handful of IQF raspberries and some chervil, strained it, salted it, heated it up very slowly, and added a bit of raspberry vinegar and vegetable rennet to get it to curdle. Let it simmer until I got some nice, fat curds, and dumped the works into a perforated hotel pan lined with some cheese cloth. Put another hotel pan on top of the works and weighted it down with whatever the hell happened to be near me and could fit into a hotel pan (in this case, it was a few gallons of pommace-grade olive oil). Put the whole mess in the walk-in cooler and forgot about it for a while. Remembered it 48 hours later and checked it out. Pulled out a shiny, slightly pink, dimply sheet of pressed goat curds that were as firm and waxy as a deli provolone, but slightly porous and inconsistent in texture. It tasted pretty good--not nearly as good as the BBF chevre', but still pretty good and pleasantly raspberry-ish. So I cut the sheet into squares, coated a few with flour, egg-wash, and a mixture of panko and toasted, ground pine nuts. Fried 'em crispy in a sautee pan, served them to some of my coworkers with an arugula salad, lardons, and a raspberry vinaigrette made by taking the raspberry reduction we use for some desserts and whisking in cider vinegar. It was a good lunch. The servers liked it, and my chef was able to use some of the curd squares for vegetarian specials. That was the first time I ever tried to fry a curd and a handful of people payed actual money for the privilege of eating it.I will crush you.

You do realize that the extent of shuke's cheese curd cooking prowess involves picking up a package of these things from the local Meijer and throwing them in a pot of oil.

I HAD TO MAKE THE BATTER, TOO, ****.

Just pressed "send" on my final payment to the EX.PARTY TIME:confetti:

 

[Sconch]

Help for GM and his stairs.

Why is he vacuuming with his penis?

oh please

 

[cosjobs]

Help for GM and his stairs.

Lmao:

 

[St. Louis Bob]

Help for GM and his stairs.

Why is he vacuuming with his penis?

oh please

Pretty sure she was talking to me.

 

[St. Louis Bob]

Oh yeah, dropped $3900 at the orthodontist for Cal yesterday. Just a warning for you guys with newborns. Pacifiers=Satan