Have you ever slept with a prostitute? (2 Viewers)

[Ilov80s]

Most of my prostitute stories are a bit depraved

As opposed to the typical noble experience a John has with a hooker.

 

[TheIronSheik]

I did, but I put on my company card. So, technically, I didn't pay for it.

 

[Slapdash]

Nope, and I never will.

Though I had a roommate on a business trip bring two back to our room after staying out a couple hours later than I did. I was right in the middle of a Skype chat with my wife out in the living room, when he stumbles in, a bit drunk, a hooker on each arm, asking "if I wanted one" (in front of the webcam, no less). So I said to my wife: "What do you think, ________? Do I want one?" She knew I was completely joking, and I excused myself to my bedroom to continue our Skype call while he partook in a little somethin'-somethin' with those two women. It actually was a funny, cool experience. As my wife knew I'd never cheat on her (even with temptation literally feet away in the other room), and I knew I could get away with asking her if "she was into it" (me having a little sexual adventure with some random stranger while on the road). LOL. We've had our troubles in our marriage...for sure! But we both know that the other would never, ever cheat.

Well, if you don't even like sex why would you cheat?

Who on Earth doesn't like sex? What I've said before is that the older I've gotten, the less my mind and actions are ruled by my "member." And the more I've found other things that give my mind/heart enjoyment and fulfillment. The greatest sport on God's Earth being one of them.

Guys do insanely stupid things in the name of trying to not make their "member" so isolated/lonely. Put themselves into financial hardship or ruin, wind up with court dates, et al. Seriously moronic, immature behavior! I just reached a point in life where I said "enough." Then if the opportunity for a little play-time presents itself, awesome. But my mind/actions have no longer been ruled by sexual desires. Think about it: if a guy is willing to pay 1-4+ hours of their life in spent wages...just to have a random stranger spend 10-20 minutes pretending what's in their pants is a salty popsicle, what does that say about where they're emotionally/intellectually at as a human being? What their priorities are?

And you know the dirty little secret? The less you pursue women (or a particular woman), the more they start to pursue you. Because many/most of them love sex too...but are accustomed to men tripping all over themselves and impersonating an ATM to get it. Basically, making complete ###es of themselves and doing 80-90% of the work just to be "rewarded" with what they want as much as you do. If you can actually reach a point where you can "take it or leave it," not for an evening...I'm talking days/weeks of "whatever," I can almost guarantee that you'll be "the hunted" more than you expect. Which is kind of nice...instead of having to be "the hunter" all the time.

Serious question, when was the last time a female used your "member"?

 

[St. Louis Bob]

And really, it needs to be said, EG needs to tell a life story every day.

Dude just keeps winning the internet over and over.

 

[McGarnicle]

Crack whore outside the strip joint really happened, except I ignored the woman and didn't purchase any services. My real hooker story is boring. I had just finally dumped my fiancé after a long ordeal of cheating, fights, postponing the wedding etc. and felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted from my shoulders. I had recently gotten my tax refund and treated myself to the local Asian place. I've been to such establishments a handful of times but this was the only time I got the full service. It was bland and mechanical but I did love that she called me Superman while I was doing her from behind.

 

[Spike]

A few years back, I got a room at the Grand Bohemian in downtown Orlando for myself, my brother, and my buddy. We went out on Church St drinking for a few hours and I got totally feces-faced. I'm talking 10-15 beers and at LEAST as many shots, it was that kind of night. Went back to the room around 1-2 AM and I passed out COLD, and when I say passed out cold, I do mean comatose.

Apparently, my brother and his buddy, who weren't quite done for the night, opened the phone book, called an escort service, and had them deliver a small hair-pie with pepperoni (nipples) to the room. She did a strip tease for them, to the dulcet tones of "New Faith" from Slayer, as we only had 1 CD in the room. They tell me that her hips gyrating as Tom Araya belted out "I keep my Bible in a pool of blood so that none of its lies can affect me!!" was particularly alluring. They then had her give me a face dance for a few minutes as I slept, and my buddy insists he saw her beef curtains flap in the breeze as I snored into her lady-parts. After an hour or so, she had to leave because "she had another client at the airport" but said she'd be back to give them the goodies they'd paid for but not received (oral.) I am completely unaware that any of this is going on. If I'd been awake, I'd have told them there was roughly a .0001% chance that she'd actually return, but they must have found the one honest hooker left in America.

Fast forward to 6:30 AM. I wake up, but am so catatonic, I am unable to open my eyes or move yet. My head is throbbing and it feels like someone glued sandpaper to the insides of my eyelids. I'm desperately trying not to heave all over the carpet of this nice hotel room when I hear a woman's voice saying "so, you guys want those BJs now?" I have no idea who this is or who she's talking to, so you can imagine my bewilderment. I try desperately to see who it is speaking, but my eyes are crusted shut and I'm afraid I'll throw up all over the bed if I lift my head. I hear my brother (Yams) saying - "No, it's cool, it's like 6:30 in the morning, we just want to sleep." She replies, "are you sure?" No response. I hear her get up and walk to the door. She opens the door and says : "OK, have a good night guys........" followed by a long pregnant pause, clearly giving them one last chance to come to their senses. The door does not close, so I know she's just standing there waiting for a response.

The response comes from my brother's posterior in the form of a ten-second fart that audibly drops in pitch every few seconds. If you wrote it out in sheet music it would look like :

xxxxxxxxx---------------------------------------------------------------------------

-------------xxxxxxxxxx-------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------xxxxxxxxxxxx--------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------xxxxxxxxxxx-----------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx------

...followed by the closing of the door - **ka-chunk**

I was laughing so hard, still unaware of what was going on, that I threw up all over the floor between the beds. Shortly thereafter, I fell back to sleep.

6 hours later, we all woke up, 30 minutes past checkout, and leaving my brother and friend 30 minutes to drive the hour back to Melbourne to get to peer review for their PhD theses or some s---. Needless to say, they didn't make it. After pulling over in a Burger King parking lot on the way back, at which point all three of us threw up out of individual doors of my friend's Civic, they stopped and bought a big bag of beef jerky at my behest to apologize to their professor/advisor for missing peer review. I wish I could have been there when they gave whatever BS excuse they dreamed up as to why they missed the meeting and then tried to bribe their way out of trouble with dried beef.

That's all I got vis-a-vis hookers.

Cryin'...just sittin' at my desk and cryin'...

 

[St. Louis Bob]

It was bland and mechanical but I did love that she called me Superman while I was doing her from behind.

:LMAO:

 

[Dudley Do-Right]

... and that's how McGarnicle got teh herps...

 

[shadyridr]

Crack whore outside the strip joint really happened, except I ignored the woman and didn't purchase any services. My real hooker story is boring. I had just finally dumped my fiancé after a long ordeal of cheating, fights, postponing the wedding etc. and felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted from my shoulders. I had recently gotten my tax refund and treated myself to the local Asian place. I've been to such establishments a handful of times but this was the only time I got the full service. It was bland and mechanical but I did love that she called me Superman while I was doing her from behind.

ANd thats when Soulja Boy song was created!

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

So this traveling salesman goes into a whorehouse. He tells the madam "I've been on the road for 2 months straight. Give me the worst girl you've got here. If you got one that doesn't look so great and just lays there...that's the one I want."

The madam is a bit confused "Sir, we have a rather large variety of girls here and we're surprisingly affordable. I'm sure we can find a fine girl within your price-range."

The salesman replies with "Lady, I'm not horny...I'm homesick!"

 

[Zow]

Most of my prostitute stories are a bit depraved

As opposed to the typical noble experience a John has with a hooker.

And as opposed to those which aren't fiction, apparently.

 

[Bill Brasky]

No, but a few years ago in Vegas, we were at a bachelor party in the bowling alley suite at Hard Rock and my buddy Kev (the Rotato guy for those of you who read that thread) stole off to one of the bathrooms to get some "extras" from one of the strippers. We'd been out on the strip for roughly 40 straight hours at that point without going back to the room to sleep or shower,so we were pretty grimy. I opened the bathroom door and stepped in to piss and a second or two later realized what was going down and spun around to leave. As I did, I heard this brief exchange just as the door was closing behind me:

Her: "Mmhmmmmm... I love sucking your balls."

Kev: "How is that even POSSIBLE?"

I was laughing for about the next 10 minutes solid.

Remind me tomorrow to share the story here that I posted :e:lsewhere a while back about how my brother (Yams from the eat - off vids) blasted a hooker out of a hotel room in Orlando.

 

[sbonomo]

And really, it needs to be said, EG needs to tell a life story every day.

Dude just keeps winning the internet over and over.

100% agree....

 

[Kenny Powers]

I don't know why you guys keep mentioning strippers. A stripper is not a prostitute.

Reminds me of a few years ago when we were in the strip club and my buddy busts out a classic line that got him kicked out because the stripper got so mad she started swinging at him

"Girl, the only difference between you and a whore is you get a paycheck"

 

[Blue Dot Orange Dot]

That's just Amsterdam. It doesn't have to be like that. You can find girls that will snugglebear and spoon with you, if that's what you want.

This. Where I live, the options for 'escorts' are almost limitless. I want someone for the girlfriend experience, I can find that. I want someone to be a ####toy for an hour or two, I can find that too.

 

[Frostillicus]

member

 

[General Malaise]

So this traveling salesman goes into a whorehouse. He tells the madam "I've been on the road for 2 months straight. Give me the worst girl you've got here. If you got one that doesn't look so great and just lays there...that's the one I want."

The madam is a bit confused "Sir, we have a rather large variety of girls here and we're surprisingly affordable. I'm sure we can find a fine girl within your price-range."

The salesman replies with "Lady, I'm not horny...I'm homesick!"

 

[Ministry of Pain]

You don't pay them for sex, you pay them to leave and keep their mouths shut.

$150-$200 for regular? $300-$500 if they have done verifiable porn?

 

[General Malaise]

You don't pay them for sex, you pay them to leave and keep their mouths shut.

$150-$200 for regular? $300-$500 if they have done verifiable porn?

Get a load of Charlie Sheen here!

 

[Bill Brasky]

A few years back, I got a room at the Grand Bohemian in downtown Orlando for myself, my brother, and my buddy. We went out on Church St drinking for a few hours and I got totally feces-faced. I'm talking 10-15 beers and at LEAST as many shots, it was that kind of night. Went back to the room around 1-2 AM and I passed out COLD, and when I say passed out cold, I do mean comatose.

Apparently, my brother and his buddy, who weren't quite done for the night, opened the phone book, called an escort service, and had them deliver a small hair-pie with pepperoni (nipples) to the room. She did a strip tease for them, to the dulcet tones of "New Faith" from Slayer, as we only had 1 CD in the room. They tell me that her hips gyrating as Tom Araya belted out "I keep my Bible in a pool of blood so that none of its lies can affect me!!" was particularly alluring. They then had her give me a face dance for a few minutes as I slept, and my buddy insists he saw her beef curtains flap in the breeze as I snored into her lady-parts. After an hour or so, she had to leave because "she had another client at the airport" but said she'd be back to give them the goodies they'd paid for but not received (oral.) I am completely unaware that any of this is going on. If I'd been awake, I'd have told them there was roughly a .0001% chance that she'd actually return, but they must have found the one honest hooker left in America.

Fast forward to 6:30 AM. I wake up, but am so catatonic, I am unable to open my eyes or move yet. My head is throbbing and it feels like someone glued sandpaper to the insides of my eyelids. I'm desperately trying not to heave all over the carpet of this nice hotel room when I hear a woman's voice saying "so, you guys want those BJs now?" I have no idea who this is or who she's talking to, so you can imagine my bewilderment. I try desperately to see who it is speaking, but my eyes are crusted shut and I'm afraid I'll throw up all over the bed if I lift my head. I hear my brother (Yams) saying - "No, it's cool, it's like 6:30 in the morning, we just want to sleep." She replies, "are you sure?" No response. I hear her get up and walk to the door. She opens the door and says : "OK, have a good night guys........" followed by a long pregnant pause, clearly giving them one last chance to come to their senses. The door does not close, so I know she's just standing there waiting for a response.

The response comes from my brother's posterior in the form of a ten-second fart that audibly drops in pitch every few seconds. If you wrote it out in sheet music it would look like :

xxxxxxxxx---------------------------------------------------------------------------

-------------xxxxxxxxxx-------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------xxxxxxxxxxxx--------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------xxxxxxxxxxx-----------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx------

...followed by the closing of the door - **ka-chunk**

I was laughing so hard, still unaware of what was going on, that I threw up all over the floor between the beds. Shortly thereafter, I fell back to sleep.

6 hours later, we all woke up, 30 minutes past checkout, and leaving my brother and friend 30 minutes to drive the hour back to Melbourne to get to peer review for their PhD theses or some s---. Needless to say, they didn't make it. After pulling over in a Burger King parking lot on the way back, at which point all three of us threw up out of individual doors of my friend's Civic, they stopped and bought a big bag of beef jerky at my behest to apologize to their professor/advisor for missing peer review. I wish I could have been there when they gave whatever BS excuse they dreamed up as to why they missed the meeting and then tried to bribe their way out of trouble with dried beef.

That's all I got vis-a-vis hookers.

 

[ScoobySnack]

Yes I have multiple times. last one as recently as this past November.

 

[McGarnicle]

Yes I have multiple times. last one as recently as this past November.

Okay great!

 

[NCCommish]

Nope. Never met a hooker who looked good enough to pay. Closest I came a buddy was trying to get a hooker to give us both some oral when I was in Anchorage. We were in the car and rolled up beside her. I was semi passed out but I came to enough to look over at her and say she should be paying us. That ended that adventure.

 

[flysack]

I just got back from a trip to Amsterdam with some friends. On the final night, some of the guys I was with said they wanted to check out the Red Light District again and get with a prostitute.

Before this trip, I had always seen prostitution as seedy and somewhat sad and immoral. The way prostitutes are presented with such nonchalance in Amsterdam peeled off much of the seediness for me, making it at least plausible to partake in, but I was still unsure if it was something I would do.

We started walking around looking at the windows and making a note of who we found the hottest. The thing that most surprised me is how insanely pretty these girls are. They're not your typical degraded slutty whores, but model-like, classy ladies. One of my friends found this crazy hot blonde and decided she was the one. Off he went, through the glass door, curtains closing behind him. My other friend found another blonde and went off with her shortly afterwards. I decided to stick around to hear their feedback.

After roughly 15 minutes, the first friend came out. He told me she was amazingly hot, great sex, blah blah and seemed so blazé about the whole thing. The second friend soon came back and said pretty much the same things. Next it was my turn to find a girl I really liked, so we went looking around again, my friends pointing out girls I might like. After a while I noticed this absurdly beautiful brunette and we locked eyes. Whereas other prostitutes would usually wave towards potential clientele and do a little dance, this one did nothing but stare at me with this ridiculous gaze. I said to myself #### it and just went up to her door and opened it.

She told me her price, I nodded and went behind the curtain to find a little dim-lit room with a bed and a bedside cabinet with condoms and lube on it. She asked me where I was from and then told me she was from the Czech Republic. After paying her, I asked her her age and she said 24. She asked me to take off my clothes and lie on the bed. I complied and she put a condom on me and began sucking my ####. It felt strange having just seen this girl for the first time 3 minutes ago and she was now giving me head, but I tried not to think too much and just enjoyed it. I tried to finger her but she pushed my hand away and said "not the #####, but the breast is okay. Also, no kissing". At that point I realized how cold and mechanical this whole thing was. There was zero bond, zero connection, zero warmth. It was all so clinical. I ####ed her anyway and she began to make all these obviously forced moans which just reinforced how fake the whole thing was. After a while she told me the time was up so we stopped and I put my clothes back on, left the room and we didn't exchange a single word.

The sex was good, and she was monstrously good looking with a photoshop-perfect body, but I left feeling completely numb rather than satisfied or content. I found it weird how casual my friends were about their experience. They were really happy about ####### their model girls, and went into detail about what they did with them, whereas I didn't really feel like sharing anything because it didn't really feel like a real experience. The worst part was turning around and seeing her standing by her window again, waiting for the next customer.

This event has been on my mind ever since, and I felt like sharing it here and seeing what people thought about prostitution in general. I guess some guys have no trouble taking it for what it is? For me it was just far too cold and impersonal to take much from it.

This is exactly why I've never been with a hooker.

I've heard stories where the girl really got into it (usually strippers drunk at the end of the night, friends offer them some money to come back to the hotel room, everyone has a wild time), but I can't see it it being anything other than a mechanical act, that doesn't do it for me.

/bummerpostsucks.

That's just Amsterdam. It doesn't have to be like that. You can find girls that will snugglebear and spoon with you, if that's what you want.

I don't want to pay a sexy girl to snugglebear me. I do want it to be a fun experience though, not a clinical biopsy using my shlong as her dead eyes reads from a cue card -

"Oh oh yes oh what's your name again?"

"Jeff."

"Oh yes jeff give it to me you animal."

 

[General Malaise]

Slept? no.

 

[General Malaise]

Slept?

No, never slept.

DAMN IT

 

[DA RAIDERS]

Was in the Bay Area for a raider game and my buddies bday. He is not an attractive man. Think Homer Simpson/Marty Feldman. After the tailgate/game/dinner and drinking excessively for over 12 hours he declares it's time for some #####. Huh? How is he going to get this I think to myself?

Whores!!

We go to a "massage" parlor. 100% asianed. They line up the girls for us to choose, we all select one, and they run off somewhere. but here's where it got weird. The madam, a withered ancient crone, yells at us(every communication from her was in the form of yelling) YOU! YOU!! TAKE CHOWAH NOW!! She grabs my arm and pulls me into a locker room style shower set up. She points at the shower and starts pulling on my clothes. I am HAMMERED. I think to myself, the no way I'm ####### miyagis grandma. I strip and get in the shower, bringing my money with me. The shower feels wonderful!! Apparently, I stand there too long, because the madam comes and smacks my back/### and yells at me to GET OUT, THIS NOT YOUR ####### HOUSE, HERWIE UP!!!

As I walk out holding my clothes awkwardly, she stops me. YOU QWUEEN?? She them proceeds to inspect my junk to the envy of any urologist. She grunts her approval and points me to a door, YOU mASSAGE NOW, HERRWIE UP!! is in the air. I lay down on my stomach, girl proceeds to half heartily rub my shoulders for about 14 seconds, she then puts her cooter an inch or 2 from my face, and only semi yells, YOU WANT!? It smells like a Goodyear factory or maybe where they make cheap pool rafts.

The scent encourages me to ask for head first. Whiskey **** is in full effect she does her damnedest to get him up and at attention, and bless her, she does it! At this point, she slaps a rubber on it, defeating most of her hard work. And I can hear my friend giggling like a school girl in the next room, that's not helping either. She earns her money furiously trying to prop up my beleaguered member, I swear she tried to gnaw on it to get a reaction. Sweating slightly she gives up and screams at me, YOU TOO DWUNK, YOU STUPID, YOU DWINK TOO MUCH!!

I lay back, dreaming of the wonderful hot shower, I proceed to pass out, naked, on her table. I awaken when I sense the lights being blocked out, I panic, thinking I'm being smothered by a plastic dragon, turns out the little trooper was giving it one more try thinking that a 69 position would help the situation. It did not, my ####### friend is still giggling like he's watching dumb and dumber. I crawl out from under the plastic dragon and thank her and ask if I can have an actual massage, she laughs and runs out of the room.

Miyagis grandma appears. She is NOT happy. WHY YOU COME HEHRHE?? STUPID BOY!! YOU **** NO WORLLK!! Followed by maniacal laughter. She points to the lobby, I ask if I can shower again. More maniacal laughter, CHOWER PHO GERRWWLS, NOT. YOU. Walks away laughing....

Good times

 

[Kenny Powers]

You don't pay them for sex, you pay them to leave and keep their mouths shut.

$150-$200 for regular? $300-$500 if they have done verifiable porn?

Yeah, if all you want is a 5 min HJ

 

[flysack]

Most of my prostitute stories are a bit depraved, but this one isn't too bad.

I was with a friend from HS walking out of a strip joint at closing time in a really bad neighborhood in Bridgeport, CT. I had been drinking, so my buddy was trying to hail a cab while I tried to just stand upright. I noticed a woman approaching guys as they left the place and they all shook their heads. When she got to me she said "suck your #### for 5 dollars baby". She was black, probably 40ish, and looked like she'd been up for a while. Scratching a lot, teeth weren't the best, maybe a hot shower and a change of clothes would've helped as well. I immediately took out my wallet and saw that I only had two dollars left. There goes my chance, I said to myself. But she looked really excited when she saw the two dollars and said that would be fine. She started walking toward an alley so I kind of gestured to my friend and he just looked at me and shook his head. I guess he was bummed that he didn't even have two dollars. His loss!

When I arrived in the alley I was surprised that my date was already down on her knees. I guess we're getting down to business! But what she lacked in conversation, she made up for with some really solid technique. I guess my only complaint was that there was no place to lay down and savor the experience, and to this day I think this may be the only time I've ever climaxed standing up. All I can say is it was over too quickly.

After I gave her the two dollars we got to talking and it turns out she knew the guy I used to buy weed from. We actually chatted for about 20 minutes and I asked for her phone number. Unfortunately she didn't have a phone, but she said she was always "around the way" and we could "kick it" anytime I was in the area. Needless to say I found myself in the area quite often after that, and we "dated" I guess you'd say for about 5 months.

All in all, it was a very fulfilling and meaningful experience that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I would love to hear the more "depraved" stories.

 

[ChainsawU]

Are some of you guys still able to even have sex now? I am traumatized after just reading some of these.

 

[General Malaise]

Was in the Bay Area for a raider game and my buddies bday. He is not an attractive man. Think Homer Simpson/Marty Feldman. After the tailgate/game/dinner and drinking excessively for over 12 hours he declares it's time for some #####. Huh? How is he going to get this I think to myself?

Whores!!

We go to a "massage" parlor. 100% asianed. They line up the girls for us to choose, we all select one, and they run off somewhere. but here's where it got weird. The madam, a withered ancient crone, yells at us(every communication from her was in the form of yelling) YOU! YOU!! TAKE CHOWAH NOW!! She grabs my arm and pulls me into a locker room style shower set up. She points at the shower and starts pulling on my clothes. I am HAMMERED. I think to myself, the no way I'm ####### miyagis grandma. I strip and get in the shower, bringing my money with me. The shower feels wonderful!! Apparently, I stand there too long, because the madam comes and smacks my back/### and yells at me to GET OUT, THIS NOT YOUR ####### HOUSE, HERWIE UP!!!

As I walk out holding my clothes awkwardly, she stops me. YOU QWUEEN?? She them proceeds to inspect my junk to the envy of any urologist. She grunts her approval and points me to a door, YOU mASSAGE NOW, HERRWIE UP!! is in the air. I lay down on my stomach, girl proceeds to half heartily rub my shoulders for about 14 seconds, she then puts her cooter an inch or 2 from my face, and only semi yells, YOU WANT!? It smells like a Goodyear factory or maybe where they make cheap pool rafts.

The scent encourages me to ask for head first. Whiskey **** is in full effect she does her damnedest to get him up and at attention, and bless her, she does it! At this point, she slaps a rubber on it, defeating most of her hard work. And I can hear my friend giggling like a school girl in the next room, that's not helping either. She earns her money furiously trying to prop up my beleaguered member, I swear she tried to gnaw on it to get a reaction. Sweating slightly she gives up and screams at me, YOU TOO DWUNK, YOU STUPID, YOU DWINK TOO MUCH!!

I lay back, dreaming of the wonderful hot shower, I proceed to pass out, naked, on her table. I awaken when I sense the lights being blocked out, I panic, thinking I'm being smothered by a plastic dragon, turns out the little trooper was giving it one more try thinking that a 69 position would help the situation. It did not, my ####### friend is still giggling like he's watching dumb and dumber. I crawl out from under the plastic dragon and thank her and ask if I can have an actual massage, she laughs and runs out of the room.

Miyagis grandma appears. She is NOT happy. WHY YOU COME HEHRHE?? STUPID BOY!! YOU **** NO WORLLK!! Followed by maniacal laughter. She points to the lobby, I ask if I can shower again. More maniacal laughter, CHOWER PHO GERRWWLS, NOT. YOU. Walks away laughing....

Good times

wow

 

[Ilov80s]

Nope. Never met a hooker who looked good enough to pay. Closest I came a buddy was trying to get a hooker to give us both some oral when I was in Anchorage. We were in the car and rolled up beside her. I was semi passed out but I came to enough to look over at her and say she should be paying us. That ended that adventure.

The hookers that come to your car roadside aren't the type I assume most are referring to (at least I hope not).

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

This is probably the best thread tim has ever started.

 

[flysack]

Was in the Bay Area for a raider game and my buddies bday. He is not an attractive man. Think Homer Simpson/Marty Feldman. After the tailgate/game/dinner and drinking excessively for over 12 hours he declares it's time for some #####. Huh? How is he going to get this I think to myself?

Whores!!

We go to a "massage" parlor. 100% asianed. They line up the girls for us to choose, we all select one, and they run off somewhere. but here's where it got weird. The madam, a withered ancient crone, yells at us(every communication from her was in the form of yelling) YOU! YOU!! TAKE CHOWAH NOW!! She grabs my arm and pulls me into a locker room style shower set up. She points at the shower and starts pulling on my clothes. I am HAMMERED. I think to myself, the no way I'm ####### miyagis grandma. I strip and get in the shower, bringing my money with me. The shower feels wonderful!! Apparently, I stand there too long, because the madam comes and smacks my back/### and yells at me to GET OUT, THIS NOT YOUR ####### HOUSE, HERWIE UP!!!

As I walk out holding my clothes awkwardly, she stops me. YOU QWUEEN?? She them proceeds to inspect my junk to the envy of any urologist. She grunts her approval and points me to a door, YOU mASSAGE NOW, HERRWIE UP!! is in the air. I lay down on my stomach, girl proceeds to half heartily rub my shoulders for about 14 seconds, she then puts her cooter an inch or 2 from my face, and only semi yells, YOU WANT!? It smells like a Goodyear factory or maybe where they make cheap pool rafts.

The scent encourages me to ask for head first. Whiskey **** is in full effect she does her damnedest to get him up and at attention, and bless her, she does it! At this point, she slaps a rubber on it, defeating most of her hard work. And I can hear my friend giggling like a school girl in the next room, that's not helping either. She earns her money furiously trying to prop up my beleaguered member, I swear she tried to gnaw on it to get a reaction. Sweating slightly she gives up and screams at me, YOU TOO DWUNK, YOU STUPID, YOU DWINK TOO MUCH!!

I lay back, dreaming of the wonderful hot shower, I proceed to pass out, naked, on her table. I awaken when I sense the lights being blocked out, I panic, thinking I'm being smothered by a plastic dragon, turns out the little trooper was giving it one more try thinking that a 69 position would help the situation. It did not, my ####### friend is still giggling like he's watching dumb and dumber. I crawl out from under the plastic dragon and thank her and ask if I can have an actual massage, she laughs and runs out of the room.

Miyagis grandma appears. She is NOT happy. WHY YOU COME HEHRHE?? STUPID BOY!! YOU **** NO WORLLK!! Followed by maniacal laughter. She points to the lobby, I ask if I can shower again. More maniacal laughter, CHOWER PHO GERRWWLS, NOT. YOU. Walks away laughing....

Good times

This thread turning into one for the ages.

 

[flysack]

This is probably the best thread tim has ever started.

It's so good I forgot Tim started it.

 

[Soulfly3]

Story Time? I'll give it my best.

Prostitutes in my area are mostly of the Russian/Ukrainian variety, and generally attractive to super-hot. Once you get more to the Toronto area, it's mainly high end Asian 'tutes.

So there's a massage parlour near my old apartment, that I avoided for a solid 2 years. I knew what was inside, but I was at the stage where one nighters were happening regularly, and I was able to avoid future contact with these broads... After some time, it got more difficult so I toned it down a bit and started to frequent the parlours for my fix.

Stroll in well after midnight, and I got a rocking buzz going. It was freezing cold and I walked over (about a 5 minute walk) and Im greeted at the entrance by a 40 something Russian woman with super short shorts on, and a white top, that her fairly dark areolas were visible through. As were her thumb sized nipples.

I pretend I am well versed about Russian geography and culture, and ask if she's from Novosibirsk or Omsk (cities I only know from playing in a hockey tournament). She seems impressed and start to get frisky with me. Im pretty drunk so I think my swag is though the roof and Im making her drip by acting like I know all about her country. She grabs my junk, which is unfortunately soft at this moment in time, and asks me what Im there for.

"The full package" I say.

"You are liking anals?" She asks.. Im taken back a bit

"No just the front" I say quickly...

"$150"........ SOLD

I had been with marginally older women, but not in their mid 40s. I was pretty excited.

We get naked, and she's got a pretty rocking body for a middle aged woman. Nice rack. Fairly thin. 7/10 face.

"Go lay down and I make #### to you" she says in a strict tone.

I lay down and she started pounding my pud with a russian death grip. she was winding it like she was tossing a javelin for Olympic gold. It hurt a bit, but I was pretty wasted and didnt care, I figured this slut liked it rough. So I reach down between her legs, give it a quick rub, insert at least one finger (I think it was more) and I try to lift her up via her crotch so she'll be on top of me and we can start pounding.

"Are you making ####### joke with me, #######s?" and she quickly dismounts the palm of my hand.

She SLAPS my pecker and it swings left to right like a decibel meter... she storms out of the room.

I grab my #### as quick as I can and BOLT out of there, as Im pretty sure she's going to the back of the studio to get Boris to come knock my lights out.

I mistakenly left behind my North Face jacket, which was basically brand new... never went back for it. So basically... it cost me a 400$ jacket to fingerblast a 40yr old Russian for 3 seconds.

Turrible.

 

[NCCommish]

Nope. Never met a hooker who looked good enough to pay. Closest I came a buddy was trying to get a hooker to give us both some oral when I was in Anchorage. We were in the car and rolled up beside her. I was semi passed out but I came to enough to look over at her and say she should be paying us. That ended that adventure.

The hookers that come to your car roadside aren't the type I assume most are referring to (at least I hope not).

Never been anywhere there were brothels. And while I dated dancers off and on we always spent their money so I don't consider any of them pros.

 

[ClownCausedChaos2]

Was in the Bay Area for a raider game and my buddies bday. He is not an attractive man. Think Homer Simpson/Marty Feldman. After the tailgate/game/dinner and drinking excessively for over 12 hours he declares it's time for some #####. Huh? How is he going to get this I think to myself?

Whores!!

We go to a "massage" parlor. 100% asianed. They line up the girls for us to choose, we all select one, and they run off somewhere. but here's where it got weird. The madam, a withered ancient crone, yells at us(every communication from her was in the form of yelling) YOU! YOU!! TAKE CHOWAH NOW!! She grabs my arm and pulls me into a locker room style shower set up. She points at the shower and starts pulling on my clothes. I am HAMMERED. I think to myself, the no way I'm ####### miyagis grandma. I strip and get in the shower, bringing my money with me. The shower feels wonderful!! Apparently, I stand there too long, because the madam comes and smacks my back/### and yells at me to GET OUT, THIS NOT YOUR ####### HOUSE, HERWIE UP!!!

As I walk out holding my clothes awkwardly, she stops me. YOU QWUEEN?? She them proceeds to inspect my junk to the envy of any urologist. She grunts her approval and points me to a door, YOU mASSAGE NOW, HERRWIE UP!! is in the air. I lay down on my stomach, girl proceeds to half heartily rub my shoulders for about 14 seconds, she then puts her cooter an inch or 2 from my face, and only semi yells, YOU WANT!? It smells like a Goodyear factory or maybe where they make cheap pool rafts.

The scent encourages me to ask for head first. Whiskey **** is in full effect she does her damnedest to get him up and at attention, and bless her, she does it! At this point, she slaps a rubber on it, defeating most of her hard work. And I can hear my friend giggling like a school girl in the next room, that's not helping either. She earns her money furiously trying to prop up my beleaguered member, I swear she tried to gnaw on it to get a reaction. Sweating slightly she gives up and screams at me, YOU TOO DWUNK, YOU STUPID, YOU DWINK TOO MUCH!!

I lay back, dreaming of the wonderful hot shower, I proceed to pass out, naked, on her table. I awaken when I sense the lights being blocked out, I panic, thinking I'm being smothered by a plastic dragon, turns out the little trooper was giving it one more try thinking that a 69 position would help the situation. It did not, my ####### friend is still giggling like he's watching dumb and dumber. I crawl out from under the plastic dragon and thank her and ask if I can have an actual massage, she laughs and runs out of the room.

Miyagis grandma appears. She is NOT happy. WHY YOU COME HEHRHE?? STUPID BOY!! YOU **** NO WORLLK!! Followed by maniacal laughter. She points to the lobby, I ask if I can shower again. More maniacal laughter, CHOWER PHO GERRWWLS, NOT. YOU. Walks away laughing....

Good times

Winner.

 

[Ilov80s]

This is probably the best thread tim has ever started.

Wait, it's better than the thread about ending the Israeli-Arab conflict or his greatest novels draft thread? What about the thread about his brother's opinions on drummers?

 

[Ilov80s]

Nope. Never met a hooker who looked good enough to pay. Closest I came a buddy was trying to get a hooker to give us both some oral when I was in Anchorage. We were in the car and rolled up beside her. I was semi passed out but I came to enough to look over at her and say she should be paying us. That ended that adventure.

The hookers that come to your car roadside aren't the type I assume most are referring to (at least I hope not).

Never been anywhere there were brothels. And while I dated dancers off and on we always spent their money so I don't consider any of them pros.

I would guess most people here are referring to strippers they paid for favors or call girls that met them at hotels.

 

[DA RAIDERS]

Story Time? I'll give it my best.

Prostitutes in my area are mostly of the Russian/Ukrainian variety, and generally attractive to super-hot. Once you get more to the Toronto area, it's mainly high end Asian 'tutes.

So there's a massage parlour near my old apartment, that I avoided for a solid 2 years. I knew what was inside, but I was at the stage where one nighters were happening regularly, and I was able to avoid future contact with these broads... After some time, it got more difficult so I toned it down a bit and started to frequent the parlours for my fix.

Stroll in well after midnight, and I got a rocking buzz going. It was freezing cold and I walked over (about a 5 minute walk) and Im greeted at the entrance by a 40 something Russian woman with super short shorts on, and a white top, that her fairly dark areolas were visible through. As were her thumb sized nipples.

I pretend I am well versed about Russian geography and culture, and ask if she's from Novosibirsk or Omsk (cities I only know from playing in a hockey tournament). She seems impressed and start to get frisky with me. Im pretty drunk so I think my swag is though the roof and Im making her drip by acting like I know all about her country. She grabs my junk, which is unfortunately soft at this moment in time, and asks me what Im there for.

"The full package" I say.

"You are liking anals?" She asks.. Im taken back a bit

"No just the front" I say quickly...

"$150"........ SOLD

I had been with marginally older women, but not in their mid 40s. I was pretty excited.

We get naked, and she's got a pretty rocking body for a middle aged woman. Nice rack. Fairly thin. 7/10 face.

"Go lay down and I make #### to you" she says in a strict tone.

I lay down and she started pounding my pud with a russian death grip. she was winding it like she was tossing a javelin for Olympic gold. It hurt a bit, but I was pretty wasted and didnt care, I figured this slut liked it rough. So I reach down between her legs, give it a quick rub, insert at least one finger (I think it was more) and I try to lift her up via her crotch so she'll be on top of me and we can start pounding.

"Are you making ####### joke with me, #######s?" and she quickly dismounts the palm of my hand.

She SLAPS my pecker and it swings left to right like a decibel meter... she storms out of the room.

I grab my #### as quick as I can and BOLT out of there, as Im pretty sure she's going to the back of the studio to get Boris to come knock my lights out.

I mistakenly left behind my North Face jacket, which was basically brand new... never went back for it. So basically... it cost me a 400$ jacket to fingerblast a 40yr old Russian for 3 seconds.

Turrible.

 

[shadyridr]

 

[Captain Quinoa]

So basically... it cost me a 400$ jacket to fingerblast a 40yr old Russian for 3 seconds.

lulz

 

[cstu]

I can't get off using condoms so...

 

[flysack]

Crack whore outside the strip joint really happened, except I ignored the woman and didn't purchase any services. My real hooker story is boring. I had just finally dumped my fiancé after a long ordeal of cheating, fights, postponing the wedding etc. and felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted from my shoulders. I had recently gotten my tax refund and treated myself to the local Asian place. I've been to such establishments a handful of times but this was the only time I got the full service. It was bland and mechanical but I did love that she called me Superman while I was doing her from behind.

Why did you lie to us, Superman? Must all our heroes become Woz?

Speaking of, he needs to post his fantastic hooker story. "WHY YOU NO WANT HAPPY ENDING?!?"

 

[T Bell]

... and that's how McGarnicle got teh herps...

Yeah, "Help Desk" means something different in an Asian massage parlor.

 

[T Bell]

You don't pay them for sex, you pay them to leave and keep their mouths shut.

$150-$200 for regular? $300-$500 if they have done verifiable porn?

I'd ask you to do a pie chart, but...

 

[McGarnicle]

I can't get off using condoms so...

I can't either normally, but try an Asian massage parlor. They have method for help lazy condom wang.

 

[Ilov80s]

I can't get off using condoms so...

My biggest issue is by the point I am willing to pay for a beej, I'm struggling to get off condom or no condom. I guess it's ok since it really stretches your dollar.

 

[T Bell]

This is probably the best thread tim has ever started.

And he's posting in it the least. Coincidence? I think not!