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Living with sig other but sleep in sep rooms (1 Viewer)

dutch

Footballguy
Been getting close with a friend of mine and as a future planning convo went her thought is she can see us living together but thinks separate bedrooms is a key to peace and happiness.  We are both early 50's and have been down the road so we know what's in store if we make a big decision.

What is your take on the idea of living together but not sleeping together?  Curious...

I'll share my thoughts after some replies.

 

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Insoxicated
I think as long as you’re still having some semblance of sex life (for a 50-something married couple), and standard intimacy/physical connection.... I guess. But absent that it sounds like you’re just friends/roommates. 

Not one to knock what works for others, but that wouldn’t work for me. Perhaps it’s cheesy but I enjoy our evenings/mornings in bed together. King size bed is the key to co-sleeping IMO. 

 

parasaurolophus

Footballguy
At least half the nights i dont sleep in our room. 

Sometimes it is because if my back. Sometimes it is just to be considerate. I dont sleep very much. So if i am up til 3, i wont go to bed and risk waking up my wife since she is a super light sleeper and if she wakes up that close to 5, she might not fall asleep again. 

 

dutch

Footballguy
She Is an agitated sleeper who tosses, turns, punches pillows, cusses and swears and who has always had trouble sleeping through the night.  She prefers starting her sleep on the couch and switching to bed after a few hours

I snore, mouth breathe and often shift non subtlety which bounces the bed and sometimes even wakes me up

She is not lovey/dovey when it's sleep time so once under the covers that's it! 

 

prosopis

Arizona Chupacabra
She Is an agitated sleeper who tosses, turns, punches pillows, cusses and swears and who has always had trouble sleeping through the night.  She prefers starting her sleep on the couch and switching to bed after a few hours

I snore, mouth breathe and often shift non subtlety which bounces the bed and sometimes even wakes me up

She is not lovey/dovey when it's sleep time so once under the covers that's it! 
LOL

I hope you guys are better when awake. Night time sounds like a nightmare. I would dare say the tourettes deal at night is a deal breaker for me.

 

Dedfin

Footballguy
John Hodgeman is a big proponent for partners having separate beds. If it makes you two happy, then do it.

 

Mike Damone

Footballguy
dutch said:
She Is an agitated sleeper who tosses, turns, punches pillows, cusses and swears and who has always had trouble sleeping through the night.  She prefers starting her sleep on the couch and switching to bed after a few hours

I snore, mouth breathe and often shift non subtlety which bounces the bed and sometimes even wakes me up

She is not lovey/dovey when it's sleep time so once under the covers that's it! 
You guys sound like a perfect match  :thumbup:

 

IC FBGCav

Footballguy
prosopis said:
Its a gut feeling. Lovers should sleep together.
Whatever makes your relationship work. While I understand and currently adhere prosopis's sentimate, I think each journey is unique.

 
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jvdesigns2002

Footballguy
There’s a difference between being compatible lovers and being compatible sleepers. If you guys aren’t compatible sleepers then you should absolutely do it.  Not sleeping well causes stress and health issues that can eventually strain a relationship.  Besides that- having a monicum of privacy during times of rest could be a welcome sanctuary for the both of you. With that said- if you do sleep separately- Just make sure to make the time and energy for intimacy. If you guys neglect that aspect you are more like roommates than you are a couple.

 

Henry Ford

Footballguy
I sound like a wood chipper when I snore, and I can’t sleep on my side (which is the only thing that stops it) without having my horrible knees swell up to the size of basketballs.  

1-2 time a week we sleep apart and it’s the best sleep I get. 5/5 stars. 

 

Max Power

Footballguy
I felt separate bedrooms was the beginning of the end for my marriage.  We slept in the same bed for two or three years.  My snoring got worse and her sleep sensitivity issues became more of a problem.  We started the separate bedroom thing and it worked for a while.  We stayed intimate enough, but it also comes with new problems. Things were MUCH less spontaneous.  There were times where after we finished I would be kicked out (because sure enough I'd fall asleep soon after) or she'd leave before I fell asleep. Over time we really became roommates who hooked up and co-parented.  We both stopped going the extra mile for each other and grew apart.

Not saying you can't do it successfully, but keep an eye on everything.  It starts slowly and then soon enough you could be living two separate lives.

 

Rodrigo Duterte

Footballguy
Moving in will make it like trying to work together, why do that?

Married business partners end in divorce 82% of the time.  This is akin to it.

You're obviously both miserable when trying to sleep next to each other, so somehow you think cohabiting will work?  Separate rooms or not, you're only going to exacerbate the problem.

The part you talk about having these great moments and being super into each other and all that?  Kiss them goodbye.  Why not keep that feeling of being a little out of reach, instead of trying to force what isn't working?

No offense, but you're nuts if you try this.

 

Snorkelson

Footballguy
dutch said:
She Is an agitated sleeper who tosses, turns, punches pillows, cusses and swears and who has always had trouble sleeping through the night.  She prefers starting her sleep on the couch and switching to bed after a few hours

I snore, mouth breathe and often shift non subtlety which bounces the bed and sometimes even wakes me up

She is not lovey/dovey when it's sleep time so once under the covers that's it! 
Wtf dude, are you sleeping with my wife? 

Bottom line, do what works for you. Separate rooms may be unorthodox, so what. Physical relationship might suffer, or not, but that is only one part of a relationship. At 50 years old you know what you’re getting into, and what issues could come up because of it. If sex is a big deal to you, then maybe this isn’t the best idea, but as you get older I think companionship is as/more important. No one wants to be alone, especially as they get old. 

Seems you agree to an extent that separate quarters may be ideal based on both of your tendencies. There’s a big difference between going into it knowing how it’s going to go and being together and then deciding to have separate rooms. 

 

tri-man 47

Footballguy
I’m older than you, and my wife and I have slept in separate rooms for several years.  It’s been an ideal situation.  She’s a very light sleeper; I have jumpy legs and rock and roll throughout the night. Intimacy hasn’t been that frequent (never was with her), but it’s fine.  We have occasional ‘sleepovers,’ and I’ll often head back to my bed at some point afterwards.  When we travel, we often get a king-sized bed, and take advantage of the shared space.

 

Dan Lambskin

Footballguy
I used to fall asleep on the couch a lot but then go up to bed.  Usually ended up in a lot of fighting (she’s a light sleeper, I snore).  When she was pregnant with our first I moved to the couch to give her better sleep.  Eventually got a CPAP years later but by then she was so used to sleeping alone we both decided the couch would be best for me

i don’t mind it, kind of prefer it, I can watch sports at bedtime instead of Big Bang Theory reruns or whatnot.  Would be nice to have my own official room but we don’t have enough rooms for that 

 

eoMMan

Footballguy
Whatever works for you.  Personally, I wouldn't like it.  I'd want to sleep with the lady I'm romantically involved in but if this works for you two, I won't judge.

 

matuski

Footballguy
No offense--but I'm not sure you qualify as being an arbiter of normalcy by any stretch of the imagination. Just sayin.  
If serious - are you making this call based on fantasy football message board posting?  Because that is a rock solid foundation for judging people.

 
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matuski

Footballguy
My grandparents slept in different rooms.  His snoring could literally be heard through the house.

I'd miss the spontaneous romps myself.

 

Ranethe

Footballguy
My wife and I have always slept in same bed for over 25 years. I honestly wouldn't personally want it any other way. Having said that, I don't at all see any issue with sleeping apart for others.

My wife is a heavy heavy snorer, her whole family has sinus issues. It's absolutely maddening, particularly since I'm a very light sleeper with restless leg syndrome who tosses side to side all night. Compounding the problem is we only have a queen size bed. I essentially just live/suffer on limited sleep and grab a nap during the day whenever I'm able.

She's currently visiting family in Florida so i have our bed to myself. Omg, it's heaven, I have to admit I love the brief periods when I have the bed to myself. I can stretch out, no snoring, etc. I've had the best sleep the last 3 nights that I've had in over a year. It's bliss.

 

dutch

Footballguy
Man you guys really hit on all the thoughts I have on this issue.  

Yes, I was bummed at first because it sounded like we would be roommates with benefits rather than a lov8mg couple living together.  But the more she explained her thoughts and the more I read up on it(there are some real good articles out there) the more sense it makes.

I'd rather sleep as good as possible by myself than be disturbed by an elbow or sharp word to get me to stop snoring and also not have to worry in my near sleep that I might disturb her which adds to the restlessness.  

Sleep time is just that, time to shut down and rest.  How we work intimacy into the picture is something we'll have to figure out but at least there will be no pressure of expectation when it's time to hit the hay.

 

fantasycurse42

Footballguy Jr.
When my wife falls in sleep in bed with one of my kids, and I get the whole bed to myself, those 3-4 hours are glorious... Then she returns, I move over, then a kid comes in, I move over more, then another kid comes in, I leave to go sleep on a twin bed by myself, and pick up another 2 hours of glorious sleep.

 

Long Ball Larry

Footballguy
I think that it makes total sense and could definitely work if you both have thoroughly discussed and are in agreement.

On the other hand, if it feels off to you, you may want to continue to explore that and not just look at the cold, hard costs and benefits.  I'm sure that you could believe it intellectually, but it still might pose problems if you have an underlying feeling about it.  I wouldn't ignore that.

On the third hand, in the end, you ain't getting any younger, so maybe the pros still outweigh the cons.

 

NotSmart

Footballguy
Man you guys really hit on all the thoughts I have on this issue.  

Yes, I was bummed at first because it sounded like we would be roommates with benefits rather than a lov8mg couple living together.  But the more she explained her thoughts and the more I read up on it(there are some real good articles out there) the more sense it makes.

I'd rather sleep as good as possible by myself than be disturbed by an elbow or sharp word to get me to stop snoring and also not have to worry in my near sleep that I might disturb her which adds to the restlessness.  

Sleep time is just that, time to shut down and rest.  How we work intimacy into the picture is something we'll have to figure out but at least there will be no pressure of expectation when it's time to hit the hay.
I think she may be worried about your oven, Dutch.

 

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