Trying to End a friendship thats over Twenty Plus years but not sure how to end it (1 Viewer)

[DJackson10]

Easiest version of this whole story is we've been friends since I was in 6th grade and he was in 8th. He still lives up the street from me. Another buddy of our ended their relationship about13 yrs ago after this guy made some comments and since then doesn't think He did anything wrong which I always knew he did. I think it was a combination of them living together at college and other things that happened. My other buddy cut him off cold turkey. I did a few things with this buddy until he moved do to work out of state. Caught up with one another by text or social media at times.

In the last year I started dating a girl at work who is about 11 yrs younger then me I'll be 35 in June. Nice girl and I'm also helping her with some issues as dad is Military off in service and parents are separated getting divorced she lives with Dad's parents with her older sister who is about 2 yrs older. Anyway I told my buddy about seeing this girl for awhile as the last time we did do anything my GF and I didn't make anything official yet so we didn't tell really anyone besides a close friend or two. I told him who she was and the comments instantly started.

Her uncle was apparently in HS with my Buddy in his grade. I'm not sure of all the details as he does exaggerate quite a bit on his stories. He was bullied by numerious people in school which I get. Apparently my GF's uncle who I was told was a bit of a wild child in school threatened to kill my buddy and his family. Now how true this is I don't know because I wasn't there and I think if my buddy did tell people like he said someone wouldn't bee done about this. He goes off on how the family are horrible people etc etc. They also own a local sporting goods store and do a lot with uniforms for youth sports leagues and equipment in the area.

Family has been nothing but great to me. both parents like me and her grandparents have invited me to dinner numerious times and I've gone out to eat several occasions. Her aunts and uncles love me and love how well I do with all the kids especially her one cousin. who has a lot of special needs issues. So to to say the least I wasn't happy with what he said.

I then told him how she was getting me to study for my driving permit again and I was finally thinking of getting it to get some options as I really don't want to be at the job I've been at for 18 yrs. Underpaid and would like to afford my own place, more personal responsibility and more options in terms of what I can do for work. He make some comments about that I didn't appreciate. He also seemed jealous anytime I seemed to talk "too much" about my GF. I think he's more jealous I have someone then anything else as he doesn't as he kept trying to change the subject. He loves to brag about himself to me and I guess he thought he couldn't "compete" with the whole I got a GF thing. I'm never trying to compete with the guy but I think its his way of showing people "how cool" he is

This was all done as we were going to a concert that night. My issue is I have tickets for another show with him in about a month. I really don't want to go and he kind of paid for his ticket by buying both tickets to this last show we went too. I can give him his money back and either find someone else to go or sell the tickets maybe make a profit and do another event with someone that is happening the same day. I could cut him off cold turkey and keep the money but I'd rather not go through the hassle of looking like the ******* and keep his money. Was thinking of just telling him I can't go to the concert anymore I'll get you your money and then block his #s. I already blocked him and unfriended him on social media which he seemed to not even notice though.

Honestly I've spent less and less time with this guy as I was spending too much money and wasting it with him doing things I didn't always wanted to do. I also have a lot more options friends wise in stuff I can do what I want and choose how I spend my money now. I've wanted to cut this friendship off for awhile and I think a whole year away from the pandemic made me realize I could do without this person. His family is really nice, sister is cool and did some cool things together but as we've grown older I've matured and it seems he really hasn't. One of his biggest issues was he's been spoiled as a child so its always been about him. I also think he's bi polar but either won't admit it or won't go get diagnosed as his dad is. It's easier to cut off the drama here then deal with more stress. I just don't know how to end it.

 

[Drunken knight]

I only have room for three friends in my life

it's not you. it's me


Edit: also, dr. there is always a relevant Seinfeld quote waiting in the wings

 

[Dezbelief]

I would go to the concert or offer the ticket to his sister to go with him and then go cold turkey. I cut loose a lot of greedy people during the Delta wave.

 

[ChiefD]

Toxic people are not healthy in our lives. Sounds like this guy is one of them. Took me a long time to learn that.

 

[Ilov80s]

I don’t think I’ve “broke up” with a friend. I’ve found male friendships just end naturally. Stop texting him, don’t call him back or wait long and longer. Make excuses that you are busy with your girl or whatever. Eventually he will either get the hint or just sort of move on to other things.

 

[Zow]

Between two guys?

Honestly, and this is kind of a chickenshit answer, but just don't talk to him anymore and next thing you'll know it five years have gone by.

 

[Zow]

I don’t think I’ve “broke up” with a friend. I’ve found male friendships just end naturally. Stop texting him, don’t call him back or wait long and longer. Make excuses that you are busy with your girl or whatever. Eventually he will either get the hint or just sort of move on to other things.

Yep. This isn't like a romantic relationship.

 

[Zow]

Oh, definitely give him back the money. Just paypal him with a quote note saying you can't go or whatever.

ETA: Seriously, don't keep the money if there's any argument it's owed to gim.

 

[John Maddens Lunchbox]

Just be yourself

 

[massraider]

"I've always loved you....."

That oughta sort it out.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

You’ve known him since the 6th grade. Talk to him.

 

[Ilov80s]

Oh, definitely give him back the money. Just paypal him with a quote note saying you can't go or whatever.

ETA: Seriously, don't keep the money if there's any argument it's owed to gim.

Yeah absolutely pay him back. You don't need some grand excuse, just apologize and say you can't go.

 

[Charlie Steiner]

Between two guys?

Honestly, and this is kind of a chickenshit answer, but just don't talk to him anymore and next thing you'll know if five years have gone by.

That's how it was done to me. Gotta say it works.

 

[belljr]

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D78-4RobJQ0Y&ved=2ahUKEwjT4Kmkk9P_AhU4F1kFHRgPBT0QwqsBegQIDxAG&usg=AOvVaw2EpbJ7O0erghoTTLmg8RoV

 

[Grahamburn]

I’m using this as my reading for Hard 75.

 

[DJackson10]

Toxic people are not healthy in our lives. Sounds like this guy is one of them. Took me a long time to learn that.

Yep over the years it's gotten worse. He's older then me and I feel like he hasn't matured one bit. Sister is fine very mature a year younger than me. I'm surprised I haven't heard anything from him about his parents wanting him to find his own place.

I'm learning now more often to just cut toxic people out. Friends list on Facebook looks much different than 5 yrs ago. Found a lot of new people I like and do stuff with and cutting out. more and more of the negativity. Realizing as well how few HS friends are really good for me at this point.

 

[DJackson10]

Between two guys?

Honestly, and this is kind of a chickenshit answer, but just don't talk to him anymore and next thing you'll know it five years have gone by.

This is what I'm thinking of doing but I'm not sure with him living so close if he's gonna want the money back for the concert. It was only $35 anyway so it wasn't costly

 

[DJackson10]

You’ve known him since the 6th grade. Talk to him.

Nah this is a guy who's stubborn and thick headed. I know his routine. He's gonna make it all about him and then tell me choose between him or her which I ain't doing. I've wanted to break off the friendship for awhile. This just gives me validation at this point

 

[DJackson10]

Oh, definitely give him back the money. Just paypal him with a quote note saying you can't go or whatever.

ETA: Seriously, don't keep the money if there's any argument it's owed to gim.

Yeah absolutely pay him back. You don't need some grand excuse, just apologize and say you can't go.

Honestly I just realized another event I want to go to is that day anyway and my birthday is coming up on Sunday so I probably will just tell him I can't go anymore I realized I got tickets to another event that day I promised others to go to already before getting these. Not an elaborate excuse but reasonable

 

[BigJim®]

You’ve known him since the 6th grade. Talk to him.

I know his routine. He's gonna make it all about him and then tell me choose between him or her which I ain't doing.

If he's going to throw you a hanging curveball under your prediction, why not let him? Seems like the easy "ok, sorry you're that way. I choose her. Buh bye."

 

[Zow]

Between two guys?

Honestly, and this is kind of a chickenshit answer, but just don't talk to him anymore and next thing you'll know it five years have gone by.

This is what I'm thinking of doing but I'm not sure with him living so close if he's gonna want the money back for the concert. It was only $35 anyway so it wasn't costly

$35 isn't worth giving him anything to have over your head or paint you as the bad guy with. Go above and beyond to be the better person then just ignore him.

 

[DJackson10]

Between two guys?

Honestly, and this is kind of a chickenshit answer, but just don't talk to him anymore and next thing you'll know it five years have gone by.

This is what I'm thinking of doing but I'm not sure with him living so close if he's gonna want the money back for the concert. It was only $35 anyway so it wasn't costly

$35 isn't worth giving him anything to have over your head or paint you as the bad guy with. Go above and beyond to be the better person then just ignore him.

Yeah I agree he owes me a lot more for the **** I've put up with him on too

 

[3 hour lunch]

Cut off your fingers one by one and throw them at his door.

Or, just withdraw communication slowly until it’s almost nothing

 

[DJackson10]

You’ve known him since the 6th grade. Talk to him.

I know his routine. He's gonna make it all about him and then tell me choose between him or her which I ain't doing.

If he's going to throw you a hanging curveball under your prediction, why not let him? Seems like the easy "ok, sorry you're that way. I choose her. Buh bye."

As much fun as that would be I'd rather at this point not talk to the guy at all and listen to him. This is a guy who is stubborn on everything. Went to school for sports management and can't figure out why he didn't get a job in his degree. Meanwhile my younger cousin got his went to Grad school at USF and is working for the Miami Heat. I can tell him exactly why he's working retail and not using his degree. He didn't study nor made connections or did anything to help his cause. He just figured it bed handed to him. When I ended up knowing some people working in sports he wanted me to just reach out to them to get him a job?

He worked for the Camden Riversharks for a bit and his boss tried to keep in touch. When his boss moved on he wanted my buddy to keep in touch with him and I told him he should. he didn't I think the guy is now working in the Yankees Org. I had another friend I met on a Phillies Message board for baseball from NY. We met when he did some school here and went to a few games. Ended up working for the Phillies down in FL. I asked if he had some pointers for my buddy, advice or suggestions. I gave it to him and he blew me off

His arrogance is why I hate certain things I really shouldn't as well.

 

[DJackson10]

Cut off your fingers one by one and throw them at his door.

Or, just withdraw communication slowly until it’s almost nothing

Done this for awhile now. I figured before last Wednesday I could do something like a sports event or concert with him every so often. Maybe once a month or every 2 months what ever. Then he opened his arrogant mouth last Wednesday and basically disrespected me.

 

[Desert_Power]

https://poopsenders.com/

 

[DJackson10]

https://poopsenders.com/

never knew this existed wasn't even sure if something like this was even legal

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

I get cutting toxic people out of your life. We have all done the same.

What I don’t get is it seems that the majority of the responses are to just ghost a “friend” that DJax has known since they were 10/11 years old without ever at least addressing the problem or giving the friend a chance to self evaluate.

He may not even be aware that he upset you. Explain to him how what he said that bothered you and why. He may think that since you are such good/old friends that your relationship is safe to have those corse comments or conversations.

If you don’t tell him that you’re upset, how will he know? If you let your guard down and tell him that you’re upset and he’s a jerk, tell him flat out that you no longer want him to contact you.

 

[Dr. Octopus]

What I don’t get is it seems that the majority of the responses are to just ghost a “friend” that DJax has known since they were 10/11 years old without ever at least addressing the problem or giving the friend a chance to self evaluate.

Along these lines, I had a similar experience where I "broke up" with a friend. that I had known since college. He was a total scammer in life and didn't respect boundaries (I'd literally tell him I was sick and not to come over and he'd still show up, etc.). I was just tired of sucking it up and dealing with him so I sat him down and told him I just didn't feel like we're in the same place and really didn't want to hang out with him anymore.

Fast forward a good number of years later, we reconnected and I saw serious changes in him and we've been close again since - even had two Thanksgiving dinners with his family.

 

[Charlie Steiner]

I get cutting toxic people out of your life. We have all done the same.

What I don’t get is it seems that the majority of the responses are to just ghost a “friend” that DJax has known since they were 10/11 years old without ever at least addressing the problem or giving the friend a chance to self evaluate.

He may not even be aware that he upset you. Explain to him how what he said that bothered you and why. He may think that since you are such good/old friends that your relationship is safe to have those corse comments or conversations.

If you don’t tell him that you’re upset, how will he know? If you let your guard down and tell him that you’re upset and he’s a jerk, tell him flat out that you no longer want him to contact you.

This is where we are as a society. I mentioned above that this was done to me, and this is pretty much how it went down. I saw it coming and tried to find out what the problem was, but he would just shrug his shoulders and not say a word. We also live near each other and have run into each other once or twice. He'll still try making chit-chat with me, so I humor him. Guess being blood-relatives still counts for something.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

I get cutting toxic people out of your life. We have all done the same.

What I don’t get is it seems that the majority of the responses are to just ghost a “friend” that DJax has known since they were 10/11 years old without ever at least addressing the problem or giving the friend a chance to self evaluate.

He may not even be aware that he upset you. Explain to him how what he said that bothered you and why. He may think that since you are such good/old friends that your relationship is safe to have those corse comments or conversations.

If you don’t tell him that you’re upset, how will he know? If you let your guard down and tell him that you’re upset and he’s a jerk, tell him flat out that you no longer want him to contact you.

This is where we are as a society. I mentioned above that this was done to me, and this is pretty much how it went down. I saw it coming and tried to find out what the problem was, but he would just shrug his shoulders and not say a word. We also live near each other and have run into each other once or twice. He'll still try making chit-chat with me, so I humor him. Guess being blood-relatives still counts for something.

The breakdown of the family/community is a big concern of mine. I wonder how much of it is natural and how much is being massaged in that direction. My rational mind leans towards it just being a result of overpopulation but my spider senses say otherwise.

 

[Charlie Steiner]

I get cutting toxic people out of your life. We have all done the same.

What I don’t get is it seems that the majority of the responses are to just ghost a “friend” that DJax has known since they were 10/11 years old without ever at least addressing the problem or giving the friend a chance to self evaluate.

He may not even be aware that he upset you. Explain to him how what he said that bothered you and why. He may think that since you are such good/old friends that your relationship is safe to have those corse comments or conversations.

If you don’t tell him that you’re upset, how will he know? If you let your guard down and tell him that you’re upset and he’s a jerk, tell him flat out that you no longer want him to contact you.

This is where we are as a society. I mentioned above that this was done to me, and this is pretty much how it went down. I saw it coming and tried to find out what the problem was, but he would just shrug his shoulders and not say a word. We also live near each other and have run into each other once or twice. He'll still try making chit-chat with me, so I humor him. Guess being blood-relatives still counts for something.

The breakdown of the family/community is a big concern of mine. I wonder how much of it is natural and how much is being massaged in that direction. My rational mind leans towards it just being a result of overpopulation but my spider senses say otherwise.

I'm not sure what to think. I see parts of society that have been moving towards more 'selfish' living, i.e., either waiting until they're 30-40 before having kids, or just forgoing having kids altogether, but I also see the opposite occurring in others, where larger families are the norm. I think part of it is the overwhelming correlation between marriage/family and not having an individual identity. Being a homemaker no longer has any nobility; the dual narrative is either they're trapped or they're a caricature, both of which lead to feeling unhappy and/or unfulfilled.

 

[Zow]

Cut off your fingers one by one and throw them at his door.

Or, just withdraw communication slowly until it’s almost nothing

Then burn down his house.

 

[Zow]

Cut off your fingers one by one and throw them at his door.

Or, just withdraw communication slowly until it’s almost nothing

Then burn down his house.

With him in it.



*Mods, this is a movie reference joke and not an actual suggestion.

 

[FreeBaGeL]

Sleep with his wife.

 

[Stoneworker]

Seems to me the internal conflict is still in the whether to end it stage and not the how to end it stage.

Because once an actual decision is made based on strong reasoning that a person no longer belongs in your life, the actual implementing of that decision can just flow naturally with the circumstances.

Just be respectful of the other person, honor the time together and move on in another direction.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

I get cutting toxic people out of your life. We have all done the same.

What I don’t get is it seems that the majority of the responses are to just ghost a “friend” that DJax has known since they were 10/11 years old without ever at least addressing the problem or giving the friend a chance to self evaluate.

He may not even be aware that he upset you. Explain to him how what he said that bothered you and why. He may think that since you are such good/old friends that your relationship is safe to have those corse comments or conversations.

If you don’t tell him that you’re upset, how will he know? If you let your guard down and tell him that you’re upset and he’s a jerk, tell him flat out that you no longer want him to contact you.

This is where we are as a society. I mentioned above that this was done to me, and this is pretty much how it went down. I saw it coming and tried to find out what the problem was, but he would just shrug his shoulders and not say a word. We also live near each other and have run into each other once or twice. He'll still try making chit-chat with me, so I humor him. Guess being blood-relatives still counts for something.

The breakdown of the family/community is a big concern of mine. I wonder how much of it is natural and how much is being massaged in that direction. My rational mind leans towards it just being a result of overpopulation but my spider senses say otherwise.

I'm not sure what to think. I see parts of society that have been moving towards more 'selfish' living, i.e., either waiting until they're 30-40 before having kids, or just forgoing having kids altogether, but I also see the opposite occurring in others, where larger families are the norm. I think part of it is the overwhelming correlation between marriage/family and not having an individual identity. Being a homemaker no longer has any nobility; the dual narrative is either they're trapped or they're a caricature, both of which lead to feeling unhappy and/or unfulfilled.

My family seems to have split this last generation. When I was a small child everyone got together for not only the holidays, but random BBQs and crab feasts. There are only a few of them left. My cousin, who I was always close with and still live close by, haven't seen each other in several years. I didn’t invite him to my oldest daughters graduation because, what’s the point?

Maybe it’s the last of the WW2/Boomer generation? They were the ones who created the whole American spirit and community during the war effort. They continued meeting at the V.F.W.s/women’s auxiliary/clubs for a few decades but that seems to have faded.

 

[Zigg]

I get cutting toxic people out of your life. We have all done the same.

What I don’t get is it seems that the majority of the responses are to just ghost a “friend” that DJax has known since they were 10/11 years old without ever at least addressing the problem or giving the friend a chance to self evaluate.

He may not even be aware that he upset you. Explain to him how what he said that bothered you and why. He may think that since you are such good/old friends that your relationship is safe to have those corse comments or conversations.

If you don’t tell him that you’re upset, how will he know? If you let your guard down and tell him that you’re upset and he’s a jerk, tell him flat out that you no longer want him to contact you.

This is where we are as a society. I mentioned above that this was done to me, and this is pretty much how it went down. I saw it coming and tried to find out what the problem was, but he would just shrug his shoulders and not say a word. We also live near each other and have run into each other once or twice. He'll still try making chit-chat with me, so I humor him. Guess being blood-relatives still counts for something.

The breakdown of the family/community is a big concern of mine. I wonder how much of it is natural and how much is being massaged in that direction. My rational mind leans towards it just being a result of overpopulation but my spider senses say otherwise.

I'm not sure what to think. I see parts of society that have been moving towards more 'selfish' living, i.e., either waiting until they're 30-40 before having kids, or just forgoing having kids altogether, but I also see the opposite occurring in others, where larger families are the norm. I think part of it is the overwhelming correlation between marriage/family and not having an individual identity. Being a homemaker no longer has any nobility; the dual narrative is either they're trapped or they're a caricature, both of which lead to feeling unhappy and/or unfulfilled.

A world has been created where the majority of young people can’t afford to have kids, and you call them selfish?

It boggles my mind the amount of blame we place on those we’ve given no chance to. We say work hard, then steal the fruit of their hard work. No wonder people have giving up.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

I get cutting toxic people out of your life. We have all done the same.

What I don’t get is it seems that the majority of the responses are to just ghost a “friend” that DJax has known since they were 10/11 years old without ever at least addressing the problem or giving the friend a chance to self evaluate.

He may not even be aware that he upset you. Explain to him how what he said that bothered you and why. He may think that since you are such good/old friends that your relationship is safe to have those corse comments or conversations.

If you don’t tell him that you’re upset, how will he know? If you let your guard down and tell him that you’re upset and he’s a jerk, tell him flat out that you no longer want him to contact you.

This is where we are as a society. I mentioned above that this was done to me, and this is pretty much how it went down. I saw it coming and tried to find out what the problem was, but he would just shrug his shoulders and not say a word. We also live near each other and have run into each other once or twice. He'll still try making chit-chat with me, so I humor him. Guess being blood-relatives still counts for something.

The breakdown of the family/community is a big concern of mine. I wonder how much of it is natural and how much is being massaged in that direction. My rational mind leans towards it just being a result of overpopulation but my spider senses say otherwise.

I'm not sure what to think. I see parts of society that have been moving towards more 'selfish' living, i.e., either waiting until they're 30-40 before having kids, or just forgoing having kids altogether, but I also see the opposite occurring in others, where larger families are the norm. I think part of it is the overwhelming correlation between marriage/family and not having an individual identity. Being a homemaker no longer has any nobility; the dual narrative is either they're trapped or they're a caricature, both of which lead to feeling unhappy and/or unfulfilled.

A world has been created where the majority of young people can’t afford to have kids, and you call them selfish?

It boggles my mind the amount of blame we place on those we’ve given no chance to. We say work hard, then steal the fruit of their hard work. No wonder people have giving up.

I think he used quotation marks to imply that- that isn’t necessarily his word, but how a a lot of people would describe that. None of that was his point or even the topic though.

 

[Charlie Steiner]

I get cutting toxic people out of your life. We have all done the same.

What I don’t get is it seems that the majority of the responses are to just ghost a “friend” that DJax has known since they were 10/11 years old without ever at least addressing the problem or giving the friend a chance to self evaluate.

He may not even be aware that he upset you. Explain to him how what he said that bothered you and why. He may think that since you are such good/old friends that your relationship is safe to have those corse comments or conversations.

If you don’t tell him that you’re upset, how will he know? If you let your guard down and tell him that you’re upset and he’s a jerk, tell him flat out that you no longer want him to contact you.

This is where we are as a society. I mentioned above that this was done to me, and this is pretty much how it went down. I saw it coming and tried to find out what the problem was, but he would just shrug his shoulders and not say a word. We also live near each other and have run into each other once or twice. He'll still try making chit-chat with me, so I humor him. Guess being blood-relatives still counts for something.

The breakdown of the family/community is a big concern of mine. I wonder how much of it is natural and how much is being massaged in that direction. My rational mind leans towards it just being a result of overpopulation but my spider senses say otherwise.

I'm not sure what to think. I see parts of society that have been moving towards more 'selfish' living, i.e., either waiting until they're 30-40 before having kids, or just forgoing having kids altogether, but I also see the opposite occurring in others, where larger families are the norm. I think part of it is the overwhelming correlation between marriage/family and not having an individual identity. Being a homemaker no longer has any nobility; the dual narrative is either they're trapped or they're a caricature, both of which lead to feeling unhappy and/or unfulfilled.

A world has been created where the majority of young people can’t afford to have kids, and you call them selfish?

It boggles my mind the amount of blame we place on those we’ve given no chance to. We say work hard, then steal the fruit of their hard work. No wonder people have giving up.

It's been a theme since at least the biblical story of the prodigal son.

 

[Apple Juice]

I can't believe people are still trotting out the old "selfish to not have kids" BS. I find it hard to believe that parents who want to feel noble and above others chose to have kids for selfless reasons.

 

[TLEF316]

Far more selfish to have kids if you're not equipped or willing to be a good parent.

I like to think I'm a good person. But I know that if I magically had a kid tomorrow I'd probably be a lousy parent. Maybe that changes some day (getting less and less likely all the time) but if not.....I'll let those that want that responsibility have it.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

We’ve gotten off topic. Sorry DJax.

Hope you get it figured out.

 

[BobbyLayne]

I don’t think I’ve “broke up” with a friend. I’ve found male friendships just end naturally. Stop texting him, don’t call him back or wait long and longer. Make excuses that you are busy with your girl or whatever. Eventually he will either get the hint or just sort of move on to other things.

Yep. This isn't like a romantic relationship.

men don't need the dtr

dies on the vine

no look backs

finito

 

[kutta]

I'm a bit stuck on this:

"I'll be 35 in June...

...I then told him how she was getting me to study for my driving permit again"

 

[LawFitz]

@DJackson10 -

Please don't take any of what I'm about to say as gospel. I don't know what the exact right answer is here, but I do have some suggestions for guidelines on approach:

1. Honesty - be brutal in scope and scale, but not in delivery. Most important, even if you cannot lighten the wording, is to convey total truth. And if you want to up the ante for yourself, be open to the idea going in that your truth may significantly differ from his - and that the real truth may indeed lie somewhere in between. Within that gap is where both of you might find real growth in this situation. Demand honesty by first providing it. Do not ostrich this point or everything else falls apart. Honesty is the foundation in situations like this.

2. Grace - find it in you beforehand to forgive (but not forget). *IF* he is ready to try to change, save some allowance for that. Hold him accountable, but be realistic in how much to expect and how soon. And be open minded to him actually having the ability and desire to change. Lastly, don't over do this. You aren't his dad or his boss or his wife or his kid. Figure out your base demands and draw a line there. Then figure out your nice to haves and draw another line. Expect to end up in the latter space and no more.

3. Fortitude - don't fall into the societal trap of canceling people around you who are seemingly incompatible. Less is often more with these types when it comes to interactivity. But zero is not a healthy mindset for most of these cases, and when I say not healthy, I mean not healthy for you. It's a slippery slope once you find yourself succumbing to cancel philosophy. That should be the last resort for only the most toxic (or dangerous) of people. Otherwise, you may find yourself isolated from the challenges the Universe presents you from time to time to test and advance your own emotional intelligence evolution.

4. Humility and Empathy - be prepared to be (somewhat) wrong about any particular point of disagreement. Humility breeds empathy, and empathy is a critical element to conflict resolution of all kinds. Even if you can't accept the other person's position, it's almost always helpful to consider it as fully as possible. And with as clean a slate as possible from your own pre-existing notions when you do. Attempt to express (and validate) this empathy by openly describing to him how you see him, not just the bad, but the good as well. I am sure there are reasons why he has been your friend this long. Important to keep those reasons regularly in mind as a counter balance.

None of the above is easy. But it may just save your relationship here. And saving this relationship may provide you with fruits down the line, internal and external, that are hard to imagine right now, but I believe surely exist in some form. And if this approach doesn't save the relationship, at minimum, you get a chance to practice saving future ones that prove more worthy. IMHO, in the vast majority of instances, we cancel at our own risk. Best of luck in whichever path you take. Sincerely.

 

[BobbyLayne]

I'm a bit stuck on this:

"I'll be 35 in June...

...I then told him how she was getting me to study for my driving permit again"

I think he means CDL but not certain

 

[DJackson10]

I get cutting toxic people out of your life. We have all done the same.

What I don’t get is it seems that the majority of the responses are to just ghost a “friend” that DJax has known since they were 10/11 years old without ever at least addressing the problem or giving the friend a chance to self evaluate.

He may not even be aware that he upset you. Explain to him how what he said that bothered you and why. He may think that since you are such good/old friends that your relationship is safe to have those corse comments or conversations.

If you don’t tell him that you’re upset, how will he know? If you let your guard down and tell him that you’re upset and he’s a jerk, tell him flat out that you no longer want him to contact you.

See this is the issue with this guy any other friend of this long I can easily say hey this upset me your behavior is pushing people away but it won't work. This is very similar to an incident with the friend he pushed out before. He basically ghosted this guy as he knew he couldn't talk to him. I talked to him in the past about certain behavior and he gives me attitude. I invited him and a coworker of his to a league of mine had allowed his buddy co commissioner to help me out. I got emails about the two of them pushing through trades without consulting me and benefiting both them. I told both of them about their behavior His friend never responded so had his co duties taken away. My buddy kept making excuses calling me a bad commissioner.

My last other buddy had told him repeatedly about his past behavior and he didn't seem to care. Its now going to me now and it seems he hasn't changed one bit. He even sill blames out buddy. He even lied to his parents why they aren't friends any longer and his parents believed him.

 

[DJackson10]

Sleep with his wife.

No wife or GF it's why I think it's more jealousy since I have a GF now almost a year in this Aug and he still has no one. At the same time he makes zero effort to find anyone and has lets just say unrealistic expectations of what he wants.

 

[DJackson10]

I get cutting toxic people out of your life. We have all done the same.

What I don’t get is it seems that the majority of the responses are to just ghost a “friend” that DJax has known since they were 10/11 years old without ever at least addressing the problem or giving the friend a chance to self evaluate.

He may not even be aware that he upset you. Explain to him how what he said that bothered you and why. He may think that since you are such good/old friends that your relationship is safe to have those corse comments or conversations.

If you don’t tell him that you’re upset, how will he know? If you let your guard down and tell him that you’re upset and he’s a jerk, tell him flat out that you no longer want him to contact you.

This is where we are as a society. I mentioned above that this was done to me, and this is pretty much how it went down. I saw it coming and tried to find out what the problem was, but he would just shrug his shoulders and not say a word. We also live near each other and have run into each other once or twice. He'll still try making chit-chat with me, so I humor him. Guess being blood-relatives still counts for something.

The breakdown of the family/community is a big concern of mine. I wonder how much of it is natural and how much is being massaged in that direction. My rational mind leans towards it just being a result of overpopulation but my spider senses say otherwise.

I'm not sure what to think. I see parts of society that have been moving towards more 'selfish' living, i.e., either waiting until they're 30-40 before having kids, or just forgoing having kids altogether, but I also see the opposite occurring in others, where larger families are the norm. I think part of it is the overwhelming correlation between marriage/family and not having an individual identity. Being a homemaker no longer has any nobility; the dual narrative is either they're trapped or they're a caricature, both of which lead to feeling unhappy and/or unfulfilled.

My family seems to have split this last generation. When I was a small child everyone got together for not only the holidays, but random BBQs and crab feasts. There are only a few of them left. My cousin, who I was always close with and still live close by, haven't seen each other in several years. I didn’t invite him to my oldest daughters graduation because, what’s the point?

Maybe it’s the last of the WW2/Boomer generation? They were the ones who created the whole American spirit and community during the war effort. They continued meeting at the V.F.W.s/women’s auxiliary/clubs for a few decades but that seems to have faded.

My GF's father family all live close. One of her uncles and his kids they do dinner at her Grandparents Tues and other with his kids Wednesday. They get together for Friday. Every holiday including Father's Day they all get together plus Aunt and Uncle do a New Years Eve party. My family on my mom's side is spread out and no one can agree who should host what.My Dad's family other then 2 Uncles and one Aunt I'm not close to other then my dad's Cousins and Aunts and Uncles who I literally my Aunt and Uncles I refer too. His cousins a few are closer to my age so I just refer to cousins. Occasional more so get together with them now that they are all having kids now.