Trying to End a friendship thats over Twenty Plus years but not sure how to end it (1 Viewer)

[DJackson10]

I get cutting toxic people out of your life. We have all done the same.

What I don’t get is it seems that the majority of the responses are to just ghost a “friend” that DJax has known since they were 10/11 years old without ever at least addressing the problem or giving the friend a chance to self evaluate.

He may not even be aware that he upset you. Explain to him how what he said that bothered you and why. He may think that since you are such good/old friends that your relationship is safe to have those corse comments or conversations.

If you don’t tell him that you’re upset, how will he know? If you let your guard down and tell him that you’re upset and he’s a jerk, tell him flat out that you no longer want him to contact you.

This is where we are as a society. I mentioned above that this was done to me, and this is pretty much how it went down. I saw it coming and tried to find out what the problem was, but he would just shrug his shoulders and not say a word. We also live near each other and have run into each other once or twice. He'll still try making chit-chat with me, so I humor him. Guess being blood-relatives still counts for something.

The breakdown of the family/community is a big concern of mine. I wonder how much of it is natural and how much is being massaged in that direction. My rational mind leans towards it just being a result of overpopulation but my spider senses say otherwise.

I'm not sure what to think. I see parts of society that have been moving towards more 'selfish' living, i.e., either waiting until they're 30-40 before having kids, or just forgoing having kids altogether, but I also see the opposite occurring in others, where larger families are the norm. I think part of it is the overwhelming correlation between marriage/family and not having an individual identity. Being a homemaker no longer has any nobility; the dual narrative is either they're trapped or they're a caricature, both of which lead to feeling unhappy and/or unfulfilled.

A world has been created where the majority of young people can’t afford to have kids, and you call them selfish?

It boggles my mind the amount of blame we place on those we’ve given no chance to. We say work hard, then steal the fruit of their hard work. No wonder people have giving up.

The boomer generation is what caused a lot of the issues of mine Generation not being able to have kids and such and afford stuff but then blame us for "being lazy" or "Non appreciative." When we do voice out we get called names and such. It sucks but its nice when I see people say hey we are responsible for this to a degree as well.

 

[DJackson10]

Far more selfish to have kids if you're not equipped or willing to be a good parent.

I like to think I'm a good person. But I know that if I magically had a kid tomorrow I'd probably be a lousy parent. Maybe that changes some day (getting less and less likely all the time) but if not.....I'll let those that want that responsibility have it.

Good point we just had a kid beat up in my town where he was ganged up on had one friend with him. Groups took turns kicking him when down and others filmed and laughed. I was on our local community page I saw a lot of oh that's awful, praying for you and your family, why do kids act out etc. It was better then the usual retort I see. The problem is parents today lack responsibility. Oh no not my Johnny. Had someone last week come into where I work heard dad yell at the kid to leave it twice. I looked over he was trying to pick up a sign dad knocked over. Dad finally says the man working here will pick it up leave it alone. Essentially saying don't worry about it I the employee will pick up what he dropped. Then you wonder why people are so rude. Kid was more the adult there then dad was.

Most of the parents around here are worried about what their punk kid learns in school but show zero discipline for them outside of it or responsibility. During the PandemicI had a coworker young got into an argument with a shopper threatening to fight his family etc. It was embarrassing for the store. My Manager In Charge that night had to get involved. Dad comes in to pick kid up and has no mask on. We didn't care just wanted the kid out of the store at that point but we knew trouble was coming. Dad acknowledges son shouldn't have done what he did but gets upset when he was told son was threatened back. he gets all pissy and says we should be helping his son with his anger issues. My Manager in charge plus my Assistant manager there gets in his face. They both tell dad "We aren't a baby sitting service nor a service to help your kid with his issues. That's between you and your wife, teachers, consolers and extended help." Dad gets all flustered. Not sure what happened as I had a ride waiting for me and this thankfully happened during a snowstorm so not many customers. I told my Store Manager and another person you could hear the kid yelling from across the store though and it was bad. Kid was fired but the parents acted like he did nothing wrong.

I also found out a month later he was dating a girl there and put hands on her including around her neck. She obviously and thankfully broke up with the kid but he's lucky he wasn't my bother because I probably wouldn't be on here typing any of this now. When his parents were told about it they acted like nothing was wrong.

So yeah there are people out there who shouldn't reproduce at all either lack responsibility or the fact just don't have the means to take care of the kids.

 

[DJackson10]

I'm a bit stuck on this:

"I'll be 35 in June...

...I then told him how she was getting me to study for my driving permit again"

TLDR Version: I'm autistic didn't get my License when I was younger. Parents were worried and wanted to see if there were resources available to me but at that time very little and super expensive. I lost faith in taking it doubted myself also was scared to find out if I could drive. Parents found resources available. With now having a GF and the fact I want to move on to a better job, GF has gotten me to focus on studying again for the permit.

 

[DJackson10]

@DJackson10 -

Please don't take any of what I'm about to say as gospel. I don't know what the exact right answer is here, but I do have some suggestions for guidelines on approach:

1. Honesty - be brutal in scope and scale, but not in delivery. Most important, even if you cannot lighten the wording, is to convey total truth. And if you want to up the ante for yourself, be open to the idea going in that your truth may significantly differ from his - and that the real truth may indeed lie somewhere in between. Within that gap is where both of you might find real growth in this situation. Demand honesty by first providing it. Do not ostrich this point or everything else falls apart. Honesty is the foundation in situations like this.

2. Grace - find it in you beforehand to forgive (but not forget). *IF* he is ready to try to change, save some allowance for that. Hold him accountable, but be realistic in how much to expect and how soon. And be open minded to him actually having the ability and desire to change. Lastly, don't over do this. You aren't his dad or his boss or his wife or his kid. Figure out your base demands and draw a line there. Then figure out your nice to haves and draw another line. Expect to end up in the latter space and no more.

3. Fortitude - don't fall into the societal trap of canceling people around you who are seemingly incompatible. Less is often more with these types when it comes to interactivity. But zero is not a healthy mindset for most of these cases, and when I say not healthy, I mean not healthy for you. It's a slippery slope once you find yourself succumbing to cancel philosophy. That should be the last resort for only the most toxic (or dangerous) of people. Otherwise, you may find yourself isolated from the challenges the Universe presents you from time to time to test and advance your own emotional intelligence evolution.

4. Humility and Empathy - be prepared to be (somewhat) wrong about any particular point of disagreement. Humility breeds empathy, and empathy is a critical element to conflict resolution of all kinds. Even if you can't accept the other person's position, it's almost always helpful to consider it as fully as possible. And with as clean a slate as possible from your own pre-existing notions when you do. Attempt to express (and validate) this empathy by openly describing to him how you see him, not just the bad, but the good as well. I am sure there are reasons why he has been your friend this long. Important to keep those reasons regularly in mind as a counter balance.

None of the above is easy. But it may just save your relationship here. And saving this relationship may provide you with fruits down the line, internal and external, that are hard to imagine right now, but I believe surely exist in some form. And if this approach doesn't save the relationship, at minimum, you get a chance to practice saving future ones that prove more worthy. IMHO, in the vast majority of instances, we cancel at our own risk. Best of luck in whichever path you take. Sincerely.

Thanks but I'm at the point I really want nothing to do with the guy anymore. Just not a person I want around my life

 

[kutta]

I'm a bit stuck on this:

"I'll be 35 in June...

...I then told him how she was getting me to study for my driving permit again"

TLDR Version: I'm autistic didn't get my License when I was younger. Parents were worried and wanted to see if there were resources available to me but at that time very little and super expensive. I lost faith in taking it doubted myself also was scared to find out if I could drive. Parents found resources available. With now having a GF and the fact I want to move on to a better job, GF has gotten me to focus on studying again for the permit.

Got it - didn't mean to make light of it. Good luck!

 

[JohnnyU]

I'm a bit stuck on this:

"I'll be 35 in June...

...I then told him how she was getting me to study for my driving permit again"

That caught my attention as well…..wow.

 

[dickey moe]

Cut off your fingers one by one and throw them at his door.

Or, just withdraw communication slowly until it’s almost nothing

The Banshees of South Philly

 

[DJackson10]

Update: was trying to figure out if I still wanted to go to the concert as Newcastle play in Philly that same night. Texted me Thursday Wednesday if we were still going but didn’t get back to him till Thursday as I was f feeling good. Told him schedule was messed up at work so I’d let him know. Before I could text him today about going on Sunday he messages me “I'm sorry but I'm kind of tired, not really enthused about the concert.”. Really if you didn’t want to go to begin with you should’ve told me and I wouldn’t have bought tickets. For whatever reason Ticketmaster has it greyed out. Maybe I can get him to feel guilty enough to go if not tell him he owes me $$$ for my ticket. Writing seems on the wall to end this friendship

 

[D'OHtis]

Superkick and throw him through the barbershop grocery store window

Swiftest way to end friendship GB

 

[ChiefD]

Update: was trying to figure out if I still wanted to go to the concert as Newcastle play in Philly that same night. Texted me Thursday Wednesday if we were still going but didn’t get back to him till Thursday as I was f feeling good. Told him schedule was messed up at work so I’d let him know. Before I could text him today about going on Sunday he messages me “I'm sorry but I'm kind of tired, not really enthused about the concert.”. Really if you didn’t want to go to begin with you should’ve told me and I wouldn’t have bought tickets. For whatever reason Ticketmaster has it greyed out. Maybe I can get him to feel guilty enough to go if not tell him he owes me $$$ for my ticket. Writing seems on the wall to end this friendship

The only thing you need to say is:

“No problem. I wasn’t really feeling it either. No worries. We will catch up another time”.

This is your gift from the break up gods. Take advantage and never look back.

 

[DJackson10]

Update: was trying to figure out if I still wanted to go to the concert as Newcastle play in Philly that same night. Texted me Thursday Wednesday if we were still going but didn’t get back to him till Thursday as I was f feeling good. Told him schedule was messed up at work so I’d let him know. Before I could text him today about going on Sunday he messages me “I'm sorry but I'm kind of tired, not really enthused about the concert.”. Really if you didn’t want to go to begin with you should’ve told me and I wouldn’t have bought tickets. For whatever reason Ticketmaster has it greyed out. Maybe I can get him to feel guilty enough to go if not tell him he owes me $$$ for my ticket. Writing seems on the wall to end this friendship

The only thing you need to say is:

“No problem. I wasn’t really feeling it either. No worries. We will catch up another time”.

This is your gift from the break up gods. Take advantage and never look back.

Well I couldn't sell the tickets and he came back to me with he saw who was playing with him and said if I wanted to go then hed go. I've had a rough week (former coworker who am close to husband shot and killed himself Tues Morning leaving behind 3 kids), Gf first time we were away from each other for a long period of time and a **** week of work with people ganging up and literaly bullying me. So Honestly i'm going. More of a last hurrah with the guy plus these are good seats. They are the best you can do without the whole VIP package etc.

 

[DJackson10]

Just a quick update: We went to the concert decent. He still made comments about my GF's family so I know it's a good idea we ended this. Before the main show he's looking at concert and events coming up asking me if I want to go to. The queen one I told him I was going with my cousin who's a big Queen fan and I might be going anyway with him so it's not really a lie. Some of the others I just said I wasn't interested in and or said I wouldn't be able to take off for it and used either my Soccer club or work excuse.

We said our usual goodbyes when we got to my house. He seems pretty content hanging out with this one guy who he use to work with who use to mooch off him for $$$ and he doesn't have the spine to tell the guy he owes him money. At this rate I think the dude owes him almost close $2K. He has another former coworker now working with him at a current job who seems to go to a lot of shows I'm not interested in going to anyway. Good for him.

For me I figured it's best I leave now. He'll eventually turn on these other two like he did to my other buddy and me. I'm quiet content with my decision at this point. One less stresser and I'm feeling a lot of relief. Thanks to all who made some suggestions. I figured this is the best way to go because of how arrogant he is and I'm getting the feeling if he ever saw my GF's uncle publiclly he'd do something stupid. And why be friends with someone who at one point in my life I saw as a possible grooms man at my own wedding who I doubt if I marry my GF at some point won't come because of her uncle anyway? Thats not a friend at all

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

he doesn't have the spine to tell the guy he owes him money.

You criticize others but don’t hold yourself to the same standards.

You talk a ton of **** about your supposed friends.

Sorry man, you know you’re my Homie but I have a spine and I’m giving you my honest thoughts giving the information you have provided us.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

This goes out to everyone who disses their “friends” without an explanation.

Cowards. All of you.

 

[DJackson10]

he doesn't have the spine to tell the guy he owes him money.

You criticize others but don’t hold yourself to the same standards.

You talk a ton of **** about your supposed friends.

Sorry man, you know you’re my Homie but I have a spine and I’m giving you my honest thoughts giving the information you have provided us.

I’ve told him stuff multiple times about stuff. He either ignores he’s wrong and thinks he’s always right or I was picking on him.

There’s also been times we’ve told each other stuff to not say to others personally and he’s said stuff about it. To family. My buddy had miscommunication with him on something he told him and thought it was shareable and when he found out about he went ballistic. So he was a flaming hypocrite about a lot of stuff. A lot of do as I say now as I do.

 

[DJackson10]

Update. I’ve ghosted him for over 2 months now. I didn’t block his number but did mute it. I’m out of work for those who didn’t see current thread do to a bike accident breaking my elbow so I won’t really see him or his parents. I figured if I see him publicly I might say something. I won’t be ab ******* about it but just say I’m moving on. If he asks why I’ll just tell him he disrespected me and my girlfriend.

I figured if I saw his parents tell them the truth and maybe suggest looking into getting their son some help. I wish him nothing but success in life. However he’s got a lot of growing up and maturing to do and maybe look into some counseling or see what issues he has. For yrs with his dad bipolar I’ve thought he could be that way. One of the reasons I didn’t speak to him about no longer friends is if he has what I suspect and not getting help it’s difficult to have a conversation when he won’t help himself.

I’m hoping this helps him change in the long run. I also hope the same doesn’t happen for his supposed friends now.