My wife, she's... overweight. (5 Viewers)

[Invaded?]

Effort can be tough around the holidays, even for the most dedicated. Is she willing to keep trying at it even at this time of year? Holiday parties, client dinners, etc make it tough so I keep my goals realistic, like not backsliding and just maintain so I have a decent base to work with come January 1st.

It's not about the holidays... it's been months without any real serious effort. And I mean NO effort. No exercising, eating whatever she wants, getting 2nd helpings at meals, eating out, etc. etc. etc. And every time she does one of these things I feel like she's giving me the finger. I have not said a word about anything over the past few months either, and have been trying to help out more around the house and generally make her life easier when I can. But I get nothing in return.

 

[Invaded?]

I'm getting pretty frustrated. Effort is nil, which is the most frustrating part. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.Probably going to have a conversation this week in which the intensity of my comments and feelings are stepped up a notch.

Does she have a good friend that is overweight or lost a lot of weight? My wife has helped motivate a friend that was morbidly obeast. Where the husband was not successful a good GF was able to get the motor into gear. It has been off and on with that friend because she recently had another baby, but I always see them on FB discussing time frames and goals when she gets off maternity leave.

No, not really.

 

[Invaded?]

I'm getting pretty frustrated. Effort is nil, which is the most frustrating part. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.Probably going to have a conversation this week in which the intensity of my comments and feelings are stepped up a notch.

Well good luck. I've been having some pretty intense conversations the past few weeks, and I suspect it won't lead me anywhere good. And I totally understand the feeling that you're being taken advantage of -- your wife doesn't seem to take things seriously because you're a nice enough person that nothing truly bad will happen if she keeps the status quo. You're not going to leave or cheat on her or start beating her or anything. So even though it's making your life miserable, there's no real urgency from her side. It sucks. My only coping strategy is to try to remind myself how tough it is for her and that she's not just blowing it off because she doesn't care. I've had some struggles with other compulsive self-destructive behavior myself and it just isn't as easy as deciding you're going to fix yourself. But yeah, it's frustrating as hell to watch and not be able to really do much about it. P.S. Yeah, I know everybody here knows whose alias account this is, but I don't think my wife does so I'm using it here out of an abundance of caution.

Thanks. We really are living the same life. Too bad you are not closer, we could go out for a Zima.

 

[Sweet J]

I'm getting pretty frustrated. Effort is nil, which is the most frustrating part. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.Probably going to have a conversation this week in which the intensity of my comments and feelings are stepped up a notch.

Well good luck. I've been having some pretty intense conversations the past few weeks, and I suspect it won't lead me anywhere good. And I totally understand the feeling that you're being taken advantage of -- your wife doesn't seem to take things seriously because you're a nice enough person that nothing truly bad will happen if she keeps the status quo. You're not going to leave or cheat on her or start beating her or anything. So even though it's making your life miserable, there's no real urgency from her side. It sucks. My only coping strategy is to try to remind myself how tough it is for her and that she's not just blowing it off because she doesn't care. I've had some struggles with other compulsive self-destructive behavior myself and it just isn't as easy as deciding you're going to fix yourself. But yeah, it's frustrating as hell to watch and not be able to really do much about it. P.S. Yeah, I know everybody here knows whose alias account this is, but I don't think my wife does so I'm using it here out of an abundance of caution.

I have a couple of thoughts. First, I can't remember, do you have any kids? Feel free to PM me the answer.I think you and I may be in a similar place, but who knows.

 

[James Daulton]

Invaded, you've been actively posting in this thread for 5 months. This is an issue that clearly bothers you and is not getting better. You need to sit her down and have a heart to heart with her soon. It's not fair to you (or her) to have the physical attraction component of your relationship diminished or lost. You deserve a life with a spouse you're attracted to and have sexual interest in. So does she. I think if you talked to her calmly, not accusingly, but be definitive and let her know how much you miss being the kind of close only intimicacy can provide. You should have a reasonablel diet plan ready that you both can follow. Have reasonable expectations (ie. try to lose 2 pounds/month). Celebrate successes and don't dwell on failure. But don't accept failure either, use it as a learning experience and move ever forward.

At some point what's important to you has to become important to her as well.

 

[Angry Beavers]

Effort can be tough around the holidays, even for the most dedicated. Is she willing to keep trying at it even at this time of year? Holiday parties, client dinners, etc make it tough so I keep my goals realistic, like not backsliding and just maintain so I have a decent base to work with come January 1st.

It's not about the holidays... it's been months without any real serious effort. And I mean NO effort. No exercising, eating whatever she wants, getting 2nd helpings at meals, eating out, etc. etc. etc. And every time she does one of these things I feel like she's giving me the finger. I have not said a word about anything over the past few months either, and have been trying to help out more around the house and generally make her life easier when I can. But I get nothing in return.

That is rough - good luck man! Time for the talk IMHO.

 

[Evilgrin 72]

Get. The. Bubble wrap.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

I'm getting pretty frustrated. Effort is nil, which is the most frustrating part. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.Probably going to have a conversation this week in which the intensity of my comments and feelings are stepped up a notch.

Well good luck. I've been having some pretty intense conversations the past few weeks, and I suspect it won't lead me anywhere good. And I totally understand the feeling that you're being taken advantage of -- your wife doesn't seem to take things seriously because you're a nice enough person that nothing truly bad will happen if she keeps the status quo. You're not going to leave or cheat on her or start beating her or anything. So even though it's making your life miserable, there's no real urgency from her side. It sucks. My only coping strategy is to try to remind myself how tough it is for her and that she's not just blowing it off because she doesn't care. I've had some struggles with other compulsive self-destructive behavior myself and it just isn't as easy as deciding you're going to fix yourself. But yeah, it's frustrating as hell to watch and not be able to really do much about it. P.S. Yeah, I know everybody here knows whose alias account this is, but I don't think my wife does so I'm using it here out of an abundance of caution.

I have a couple of thoughts. First, I can't remember, do you have any kids? Feel free to PM me the answer.I think you and I may be in a similar place, but who knows.

Yeah, I have two kids, if you're talking to me. The OP has some kids too but I can't remember how many.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Invaded, you've been actively posting in this thread for 5 months. This is an issue that clearly bothers you and is not getting better. You need to sit her down and have a heart to heart with her soon. It's not fair to you (or her) to have the physical attraction component of your relationship diminished or lost. You deserve a life with a spouse you're attracted to and have sexual interest in. So does she. I think if you talked to her calmly, not accusingly, but be definitive and let her know how much you miss being the kind of close only intimicacy can provide. You should have a reasonablel diet plan ready that you both can follow. Have reasonable expectations (ie. try to lose 2 pounds/month). Celebrate successes and don't dwell on failure. But don't accept failure either, use it as a learning experience and move ever forward.At some point what's important to you has to become important to her as well.

When you say "don't accept failure" what does that mean? The OP has very little control over whether his wife has failure or success.

 

[James Daulton]

Invaded, you've been actively posting in this thread for 5 months. This is an issue that clearly bothers you and is not getting better. You need to sit her down and have a heart to heart with her soon. It's not fair to you (or her) to have the physical attraction component of your relationship diminished or lost. You deserve a life with a spouse you're attracted to and have sexual interest in. So does she. I think if you talked to her calmly, not accusingly, but be definitive and let her know how much you miss being the kind of close only intimicacy can provide. You should have a reasonablel diet plan ready that you both can follow. Have reasonable expectations (ie. try to lose 2 pounds/month). Celebrate successes and don't dwell on failure. But don't accept failure either, use it as a learning experience and move ever forward.At some point what's important to you has to become important to her as well.

When you say "don't accept failure" what does that mean? The OP has very little control over whether his wife has failure or success.

I disagree. If he jointly changes his eating habits they will have one more life experience with which to bond/relate.By not accepting failure I mean that it seems to be human nature to quickly assume that something is too difficult. We then give up because we'd rather not try then to try and fail at something. I've experienced this myself lots of times (and still do). Say his wife has a bad week and gains 2lbs. Rather than just get down and say screw it, take the mindset that you'll learn from what went wrong and move forward. I've completely changed my physical appearance in 1-year by taking this approach. Accept that what you're doing is a life approach that you'll never perfect. Kind of 2 steps forward/1 step back.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Invaded, you've been actively posting in this thread for 5 months. This is an issue that clearly bothers you and is not getting better. You need to sit her down and have a heart to heart with her soon. It's not fair to you (or her) to have the physical attraction component of your relationship diminished or lost. You deserve a life with a spouse you're attracted to and have sexual interest in. So does she. I think if you talked to her calmly, not accusingly, but be definitive and let her know how much you miss being the kind of close only intimicacy can provide. You should have a reasonablel diet plan ready that you both can follow. Have reasonable expectations (ie. try to lose 2 pounds/month). Celebrate successes and don't dwell on failure. But don't accept failure either, use it as a learning experience and move ever forward.At some point what's important to you has to become important to her as well.

When you say "don't accept failure" what does that mean? The OP has very little control over whether his wife has failure or success.

I disagree. If he jointly changes his eating habits they will have one more life experience with which to bond/relate. By not accepting failure I mean that it seems to be human nature to quickly assume that something is too difficult. We then give up because we'd rather not try and fail at something than have to experience failure. I've experienced this myself lots of times (and still do). Say his wife has a bad week and gains 2lbs. Rather than just get down and say screw it, take the mindset that you'll learn from what went wrong and move forward. I've completely changed my physical appearance in 1-year by taking this approach. Accept that what you're doing is a life approach that you'll never perfect. Kind of 2 steps forward/1 step back.

His eating habits seem to be fine from what he's said. He's not overweight. His wife is the one with poor eating habits. So I guess I'm still confused by what you mean by "not accepting failure." What exactly does that mean in practice? He should just keep telling his wife "I don't accept this"?

 

[offdee]

Effort can be tough around the holidays, even for the most dedicated. Is she willing to keep trying at it even at this time of year? Holiday parties, client dinners, etc make it tough so I keep my goals realistic, like not backsliding and just maintain so I have a decent base to work with come January 1st.

It's not about the holidays... it's been months without any real serious effort. And I mean NO effort. No exercising, eating whatever she wants, getting 2nd helpings at meals, eating out, etc. etc. etc. And every time she does one of these things I feel like she's giving me the finger. I have not said a word about anything over the past few months either, and have been trying to help out more around the house and generally make her life easier when I can. But I get nothing in return.

This is the problem...you're being too nice and complacent and she's taking advantage. At some point you need to be blunt and actively show actions on your words. You start becoming more healthy or I'm leaving you. If I don't see you actively trying and start seeing results of your efforts by Feb. 1st than I will start the divorce proceedings.

It's harsh, but at this point it's the only thing that's going to wake her up (if anything will that is). The key is you need to stick to your word and show in your actions over the next 2 months that this is serious.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Effort can be tough around the holidays, even for the most dedicated. Is she willing to keep trying at it even at this time of year? Holiday parties, client dinners, etc make it tough so I keep my goals realistic, like not backsliding and just maintain so I have a decent base to work with come January 1st.

It's not about the holidays... it's been months without any real serious effort. And I mean NO effort. No exercising, eating whatever she wants, getting 2nd helpings at meals, eating out, etc. etc. etc. And every time she does one of these things I feel like she's giving me the finger. I have not said a word about anything over the past few months either, and have been trying to help out more around the house and generally make her life easier when I can. But I get nothing in return.

This is the problem...you're being too nice and complacent and she's taking advantage. At some point you need to be blunt and actively show actions on your words. You start becoming more healthy or I'm leaving you. If I don't see you actively trying and start seeing results of your efforts by Feb. 1st than I will start the divorce proceedings.

It's harsh, but at this point it's the only thing that's going to wake her up (if anything will that is). The key is you need to stick to your word and show in your actions over the next 2 months that this is serious.

He doesn't want to be divorced. So I don't think this works out very well for him.

 

[offdee]

Effort can be tough around the holidays, even for the most dedicated. Is she willing to keep trying at it even at this time of year? Holiday parties, client dinners, etc make it tough so I keep my goals realistic, like not backsliding and just maintain so I have a decent base to work with come January 1st.

It's not about the holidays... it's been months without any real serious effort. And I mean NO effort. No exercising, eating whatever she wants, getting 2nd helpings at meals, eating out, etc. etc. etc. And every time she does one of these things I feel like she's giving me the finger. I have not said a word about anything over the past few months either, and have been trying to help out more around the house and generally make her life easier when I can. But I get nothing in return.

This is the problem...you're being too nice and complacent and she's taking advantage. At some point you need to be blunt and actively show actions on your words. You start becoming more healthy or I'm leaving you. If I don't see you actively trying and start seeing results of your efforts by Feb. 1st than I will start the divorce proceedings.

It's harsh, but at this point it's the only thing that's going to wake her up (if anything will that is). The key is you need to stick to your word and show in your actions over the next 2 months that this is serious.

He doesn't want to be divorced. So I don't think this works out very well for him.

Well, then nothing will ever change, as she has absolutely zero motivation to change her habits. He better just start accepting it.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

He doesn't want to be divorced. So I don't think this works out very well for him.

Well, then nothing will ever change, as she has absolutely zero motivation to change her habits. He better just start accepting it.

Yup, the likelihood is that this problem will never be fixed. I've been saying that since page 1 of the thread. He can keep venting here though.

 

[offdee]

He doesn't want to be divorced. So I don't think this works out very well for him.

Well, then nothing will ever change, as she has absolutely zero motivation to change her habits. He better just start accepting it.

Yup, the likelihood is that this problem will never be fixed. I've been saying that since page 1 of the thread. He can keep venting here though.

There's absolutely zero things that he can say or do that will make her change. If she doesn't want to change for herself than it's not going to happen long term. She may do better for a week or two to get him off her back, but if she truly does not want it than she'll fall right back to her old ways. And it looks like she's fine with being unhealthy.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

There's absolutely zero things that he can say or do that will make her change. If she doesn't want to change for herself than it's not going to happen long term. She may do better for a week or two to get him off her back, but if she truly does not want it than she'll fall right back to her old ways. And it looks like she's fine with being unhealthy.

I agree with the general sentiment here, but not some of the language. She would prefer to be healthy and fit. When the OP approached his wife earlier in the thread, she cried about it. Your post makes it seem like she's affirmatively trying to live an unhealthy life, rather than that she's got a problem.

 

[James Daulton]

Invaded, you've been actively posting in this thread for 5 months. This is an issue that clearly bothers you and is not getting better. You need to sit her down and have a heart to heart with her soon. It's not fair to you (or her) to have the physical attraction component of your relationship diminished or lost. You deserve a life with a spouse you're attracted to and have sexual interest in. So does she. I think if you talked to her calmly, not accusingly, but be definitive and let her know how much you miss being the kind of close only intimicacy can provide. You should have a reasonablel diet plan ready that you both can follow. Have reasonable expectations (ie. try to lose 2 pounds/month). Celebrate successes and don't dwell on failure. But don't accept failure either, use it as a learning experience and move ever forward.

At some point what's important to you has to become important to her as well.

When you say "don't accept failure" what does that mean? The OP has very little control over whether his wife has failure or success.

I disagree. If he jointly changes his eating habits they will have one more life experience with which to bond/relate. By not accepting failure I mean that it seems to be human nature to quickly assume that something is too difficult. We then give up because we'd rather not try and fail at something than have to experience failure. I've experienced this myself lots of times (and still do). Say his wife has a bad week and gains 2lbs. Rather than just get down and say screw it, take the mindset that you'll learn from what went wrong and move forward. I've completely changed my physical appearance in 1-year by taking this approach. Accept that what you're doing is a life approach that you'll never perfect. Kind of 2 steps forward/1 step back.

His eating habits seem to be fine from what he's said. He's not overweight. His wife is the one with poor eating habits. So I guess I'm still confused by what you mean by "not accepting failure." What exactly does that mean in practice? He should just keep telling his wife "I don't accept this"?

Accept the bolded as part of the journey and you won't succumb to failure so easily. And his habits are not the point, his wife's are. If he joins her and eats exactly the same way she does, she'll have a partner in the experience and someone whom to relate the ups and downs with. I think it's got to be a total joint effort on his part. He seems to love his wife and wants to stay with her. If she feels the same, she'll come to realize that his affection is worth much more than a bag of chips or cookies.

 

[offdee]

There's absolutely zero things that he can say or do that will make her change. If she doesn't want to change for herself than it's not going to happen long term. She may do better for a week or two to get him off her back, but if she truly does not want it than she'll fall right back to her old ways. And it looks like she's fine with being unhealthy.

I agree with the general sentiment here, but not some of the language. She would prefer to be healthy and fit. When the OP approached his wife earlier in the thread, she cried about it. Your post makes it seem like she's affirmatively trying to live an unhealthy life, rather than that she's got a problem.

Everyone would prefer to be healthy and fit. The difference is if people make the effort or not. The crying just means she knows getting healthy is just too much work and inconvenience for her to actually ever do. The tears are a sign that she knows she's just destined for this life because she's not strong enough to make the effort to change.99% of the time....fat = lazy.

 

[James Daulton]

Tell her you had an affair with another woman many years ago (but while you were married) but it has long since ended and you wanted to get it out in the open so you can focus on making your marriage better. The weight will melt off at a steady rate over the next couple of months.

lol - Here's another option that would probably work. Of course, when she becomes hot again she'd probably dump his ###, but at least he'd get to enjoy the weight loss ride for a little bit.

 

[Da Guru]

The key is to plan for the future. When I met my wife she was 5-9 and around 125..a little thin at the time but still had a nice rack. Now as she ages she has settled into the 140-145 lb range. Perfect for her height.

The girl I dated before my wife was 5-3 and really nice looking at 21..but looking back she had the buttery gene. Plump boobs, plump face, plump butt..at 21 all were very nice and still in proportion..but I saw her five years ago at a reunion and although her face was still attractive she was basically fat everywhere else. Rear end was huge...

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Invaded, you've been actively posting in this thread for 5 months. This is an issue that clearly bothers you and is not getting better. You need to sit her down and have a heart to heart with her soon. It's not fair to you (or her) to have the physical attraction component of your relationship diminished or lost. You deserve a life with a spouse you're attracted to and have sexual interest in. So does she. I think if you talked to her calmly, not accusingly, but be definitive and let her know how much you miss being the kind of close only intimicacy can provide. You should have a reasonablel diet plan ready that you both can follow. Have reasonable expectations (ie. try to lose 2 pounds/month). Celebrate successes and don't dwell on failure. But don't accept failure either, use it as a learning experience and move ever forward.

At some point what's important to you has to become important to her as well.

When you say "don't accept failure" what does that mean? The OP has very little control over whether his wife has failure or success.

I disagree. If he jointly changes his eating habits they will have one more life experience with which to bond/relate. By not accepting failure I mean that it seems to be human nature to quickly assume that something is too difficult. We then give up because we'd rather not try and fail at something than have to experience failure. I've experienced this myself lots of times (and still do). Say his wife has a bad week and gains 2lbs. Rather than just get down and say screw it, take the mindset that you'll learn from what went wrong and move forward. I've completely changed my physical appearance in 1-year by taking this approach. Accept that what you're doing is a life approach that you'll never perfect. Kind of 2 steps forward/1 step back.

His eating habits seem to be fine from what he's said. He's not overweight. His wife is the one with poor eating habits. So I guess I'm still confused by what you mean by "not accepting failure." What exactly does that mean in practice? He should just keep telling his wife "I don't accept this"?

Accept the bolded as part of the journey and you won't succumb to failure so easily. And his habits are not the point, his wife's are. If he joins her and eats exactly the same way she does, she'll have a partner in the experience and someone whom to relate the ups and downs with. I think it's got to be a total joint effort on his part. He seems to love his wife and wants to stay with her. If she feels the same, she'll come to realize that his affection is worth much more than a bag of chips or cookies.

There's some sort of weird disconnect here that I can't figure out. Can somebody explain why James Daulton and I seem incapable of communication? Am I missing something or is he?

 

[James Daulton]

Invaded, you've been actively posting in this thread for 5 months. This is an issue that clearly bothers you and is not getting better. You need to sit her down and have a heart to heart with her soon. It's not fair to you (or her) to have the physical attraction component of your relationship diminished or lost. You deserve a life with a spouse you're attracted to and have sexual interest in. So does she. I think if you talked to her calmly, not accusingly, but be definitive and let her know how much you miss being the kind of close only intimicacy can provide. You should have a reasonablel diet plan ready that you both can follow. Have reasonable expectations (ie. try to lose 2 pounds/month). Celebrate successes and don't dwell on failure. But don't accept failure either, use it as a learning experience and move ever forward.

At some point what's important to you has to become important to her as well.

When you say "don't accept failure" what does that mean? The OP has very little control over whether his wife has failure or success.

I disagree. If he jointly changes his eating habits they will have one more life experience with which to bond/relate. By not accepting failure I mean that it seems to be human nature to quickly assume that something is too difficult. We then give up because we'd rather not try and fail at something than have to experience failure. I've experienced this myself lots of times (and still do). Say his wife has a bad week and gains 2lbs. Rather than just get down and say screw it, take the mindset that you'll learn from what went wrong and move forward. I've completely changed my physical appearance in 1-year by taking this approach. Accept that what you're doing is a life approach that you'll never perfect. Kind of 2 steps forward/1 step back.

His eating habits seem to be fine from what he's said. He's not overweight. His wife is the one with poor eating habits. So I guess I'm still confused by what you mean by "not accepting failure." What exactly does that mean in practice? He should just keep telling his wife "I don't accept this"?

Accept the bolded as part of the journey and you won't succumb to failure so easily. And his habits are not the point, his wife's are. If he joins her and eats exactly the same way she does, she'll have a partner in the experience and someone whom to relate the ups and downs with. I think it's got to be a total joint effort on his part. He seems to love his wife and wants to stay with her. If she feels the same, she'll come to realize that his affection is worth much more than a bag of chips or cookies.

There's some sort of weird disconnect here that I can't figure out. Can somebody explain why James Daulton and I seem incapable of communication? Am I missing something or is he?

Let's just skip it so we don't hijack his thread anymore. We need more suggestions from Jayrok.

 

[The Charlie Hustlers]

The funny thing is that if you got divorced she would probably have no problem losing the weight.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

There's some sort of weird disconnect here that I can't figure out. Can somebody explain why James Daulton and I seem incapable of communication? Am I missing something or is he?

Let's just skip it so we don't hijack his thread anymore. We need more suggestions from Jayrok.

Well, it's not a hijack. I've gone back and looked at some of your old posts and I see that you lost a bunch of weight yourself. That's great but I think what the OP is dealing with is a completely different situation. That seems to be the disconnect.

 

[offdee]

The funny thing is that if you got divorced she would probably have no problem losing the weight.

Exactly. It's called motivation to improve herself. Right now she has none because she knows the husband isn't going anywhere so there's no reason to make the effort.

 

[TxBuckeye]

Accept the bolded as part of the journey and you won't succumb to failure so easily. And his habits are not the point, his wife's are. If he joins her and eats exactly the same way she does, she'll have a partner in the experience and someone whom to relate the ups and downs with. I think it's got to be a total joint effort on his part. He seems to love his wife and wants to stay with her. If she feels the same, she'll come to realize that his affection is worth much more than a bag of chips or cookies.

I may have missed it earlier in the thread, or just forgotten it by now. But my guess would be, if she joined HIM in eating exactly the same way, this wouldn't be the issue. I think he eats healthy, she pigs out on crap. In this case, what exactly would you have him change to make this more of a partnership? If he eats healthy and she refuses to follow suit, then there is nothing he can do on this front. I think this is likely the case.And Offdee is likely spot on. She's lazy, and eating better and exercising is just to much effort for her to bother with. My ex was the same way. Tried to talk about it. Tried to offer advice. I worked out, dieted, ate healthy, dropped weight. All it got me was her being mad for "telling her she's fat" and accusations of "So exactly who are you getting fit for?" She couldn't fathom the idea I wanted to be in shape and healthy for me. Eventually I gave up and moved on.

 

[Da Guru]

The funny thing is that if you got divorced she would probably have no problem losing the weight.

A guy I work with divorced his wife because she was fat and lazy and would not do anything with herself. Fast forward a year she has lost 20 lbs..goes to the gym 3-4 days a week..walks a couple of days a week..wears makeup and had her hair highlighted and plays in a golf league. Last time I saw him he said "Now she is doing everything that I asked her to do the last 15 years..unreal"

 

[offdee]

The funny thing is that if you got divorced she would probably have no problem losing the weight.

A guy I work with divorced his wife because she was fat and lazy and would not do anything with herself. Fast forward a year she has lost 20 lbs..goes to the gym 3-4 days a week..walks a couple of days a week..wears makeup and had her hair highlighted and plays in a golf league. Last time I saw him he said "Now she is doing everything that I asked her to do the last 15 years..unreal"

Attraction for the opposite sex is the biggest motivator there is.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

The funny thing is that if you got divorced she would probably have no problem losing the weight.

A guy I work with divorced his wife because she was fat and lazy and would not do anything with herself. Fast forward a year she has lost 20 lbs..goes to the gym 3-4 days a week..walks a couple of days a week..wears makeup and had her hair highlighted and plays in a golf league. Last time I saw him he said "Now she is doing everything that I asked her to do the last 15 years..unreal"

Attraction for the opposite sex is the biggest motivator there is.

Threatening to murder someone is also a good motivator, but I wouldn't be willing to do that either.

 

[Sabertooth]

The funny thing is that if you got divorced she would probably have no problem losing the weight.

A guy I work with divorced his wife because she was fat and lazy and would not do anything with herself. Fast forward a year she has lost 20 lbs..goes to the gym 3-4 days a week..walks a couple of days a week..wears makeup and had her hair highlighted and plays in a golf league. Last time I saw him he said "Now she is doing everything that I asked her to do the last 15 years..unreal"

Attraction for the opposite sex is the biggest motivator there is.

This is true. And the hotter she is, the better mate she can obtain. She simply did not consider your friend to be worth the effort.

 

[offdee]

The funny thing is that if you got divorced she would probably have no problem losing the weight.

A guy I work with divorced his wife because she was fat and lazy and would not do anything with herself. Fast forward a year she has lost 20 lbs..goes to the gym 3-4 days a week..walks a couple of days a week..wears makeup and had her hair highlighted and plays in a golf league. Last time I saw him he said "Now she is doing everything that I asked her to do the last 15 years..unreal"

Attraction for the opposite sex is the biggest motivator there is.

Threatening to murder someone is also a good motivator, but I wouldn't be willing to do that either.

Well then stop complaining and worrying about this issue and learn to be OK with it. It's not going to change and won't be going away unless you decide to rid yourself of it. Sorry man, but 100% truth.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Well then stop complaining and worrying about this issue and learn to be OK with it. It's not going to change and won't be going away unless you decide to rid yourself of it. Sorry man, but 100% truth.

Nothing wrong with complaining about stuff even if it's unlikely to change. I'm glad the OP started this thread. It helps to see other people struggling with the same things.

 

[Standing Hampton]

I am one of only 3 males that work with 63 women and I can tell you that as a sex, women have terrible eating habits but yet complain about their weight. When that subject comes up I say nothing. "Diet" to them is impermanent, when it should be a lifestyle. They talk about losing weight for an event more than for themselves. They are a very odd being.

 

[offdee]

Well then stop complaining and worrying about this issue and learn to be OK with it. It's not going to change and won't be going away unless you decide to rid yourself of it. Sorry man, but 100% truth.

Nothing wrong with complaining about stuff even if it's unlikely to change. I'm glad the OP started this thread. It helps to see other people struggling with the same things.

It kind of is a waste of time and energy actually. The more you complain the more resentful you're going to be. Better to learn to program yourself to embrace it or it will just continue eating away at you and make your relationship worse.

 

[Keerock]

The funny thing is that if you got divorced she would probably have no problem losing the weight.

SO not funny...

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Well then stop complaining and worrying about this issue and learn to be OK with it. It's not going to change and won't be going away unless you decide to rid yourself of it. Sorry man, but 100% truth.

Nothing wrong with complaining about stuff even if it's unlikely to change. I'm glad the OP started this thread. It helps to see other people struggling with the same things.

It kind of is a waste of time and energy actually. The more you complain the more resentful you're going to be. Better to learn to program yourself to embrace it or it will just continue eating away at you and make your relationship worse.

I'm not sure that it's possible to "program yourself to embrace it." If anyone has ever successfully done that, I'd be interested in hearing about it.Sometimes people need to vent. If somebody posted that his mother had terminal cancer, nobody would tell him to stop worrying and complaining because it won't change anything. Stop being a jerk about other people's problems.

 

[pats3in4]

I started a thread about the problems I'm having with my wife ("Walking on Eggshells"). The question I've been asking myself on and off for years is, "As much as I do not want out of this marriage, would it be best if we part ways nonetheless if things don't improve?" For the first time ever, my answer is now "Yes." I'm no longer afraid to make that leap if I feel it necessary. This attitude has shown itself in how I interact with my wife. I don't put up with her bullfeces anymore. She sees the change in me. In turn, she's looking very seriously at herself and her issues (we've been executing a plan with the help of doctors in getting her mood swings under control).

Like Offdee and others have said, at this point it's going to take a shock to her system to get her to make real change. That shock includes the threat of leaving. But at the same time you cannot bluff. You have to decide in your mind that as painful as life would be without her, leaving would be a net benefit to you. I'm glad I finally got over that mental hump. I think you would be glad, too. It will change the whole dynamic between you and your wife, hopefully for the better.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

I am one of only 3 males that work with 63 women and I can tell you that as a sex, women have terrible eating habits but yet complain about their weight. When that subject comes up I say nothing. "Diet" to them is impermanent, when it should be a lifestyle. They talk about losing weight for an event more than for themselves. They are a very odd being.

What sort of work do you do?

 

[TxBuckeye]

I am one of only 3 males that work with 63 women and I can tell you that as a sex, women have terrible eating habits but yet complain about their weight. When that subject comes up I say nothing. "Diet" to them is impermanent, when it should be a lifestyle. They talk about losing weight for an event more than for themselves. They are a very odd being.

What sort of work do you do?

Pimp.

 

[TxBuckeye]

It kind of is a waste of time and energy actually. The more you complain the more resentful you're going to be. Better to learn to program yourself to embrace it or it will just continue eating away at you and make your relationship worse.

I'm not sure that it's possible to "program yourself to embrace it." If anyone has ever successfully done that, I'd be interested in hearing about it.Sometimes people need to vent. If somebody posted that his mother had terminal cancer, nobody would tell him to stop worrying and complaining because it won't change anything. Stop being a jerk about other people's problems.

First off, horrible comparison. Pretty sure you can't decide to knuckle down and "lose" cancer, so that's a really daft analogy (sorry, but it is). As to the point at hand, yes, venting can be therapeutic without a doubt. But there is a lot of truth to the statement about resentment. That isn't a strawman. It definitely was a contributing factor in my eventual divorce. It really is a matter of HOW much the inability/unwillingness to make an effort is affecting the poster. It doesn't sound as if he is just here to vent at this point IMHO.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Sometimes people need to vent. If somebody posted that his mother had terminal cancer, nobody would tell him to stop worrying and complaining because it won't change anything. Stop being a jerk about other people's problems.

First off, horrible comparison. Pretty sure you can't decide to knuckle down and "lose" cancer, so that's a really daft analogy (sorry, but it is). As to the point at hand, yes, venting can be therapeutic without a doubt. But there is a lot of truth to the statement about resentment. That isn't a strawman. It definitely was a contributing factor in my eventual divorce.

The skinny spouse can't knuckle down and lose his wife's weight either. That was my point. Obviously having cancer isn't the same as being overweight. I was just responding to the suggestion that we shouldn't complain about things we can't change.I agree that resentment is real, but in my experience that resentment is there whether I'm actively complaining or not. The suggestion to "program yourself to embrace it" seems ridiculous. Sorta reminds me of the people that try to get gay people to turn straight.

 

[offdee]

Sometimes people need to vent. If somebody posted that his mother had terminal cancer, nobody would tell him to stop worrying and complaining because it won't change anything. Stop being a jerk about other people's problems.

First off, horrible comparison. Pretty sure you can't decide to knuckle down and "lose" cancer, so that's a really daft analogy (sorry, but it is). As to the point at hand, yes, venting can be therapeutic without a doubt. But there is a lot of truth to the statement about resentment. That isn't a strawman. It definitely was a contributing factor in my eventual divorce.

The skinny spouse can't knuckle down and lose his wife's weight either. That was my point. Obviously having cancer isn't the same as being overweight. I was just responding to the suggestion that we shouldn't complain about things we can't change.I agree that resentment is real, but in my experience that resentment is there whether I'm actively complaining or not. The suggestion to "program yourself to embrace it" seems ridiculous. Sorta reminds me of the people that try to get gay people to turn straight.

Maybe the wording is wrong about "programming yourself", but the idea is you need to make your mind focus on the positives that you see in your wife and not focus on the overweight body. And if there aren't enough positives in your wife to focus on that will outweigh the fat (no pun intended) than it really is time to consider how good this relationship is for you and your future.

 

[mr roboto]

I don't know that threats to leave will work, or even if they do, that it's a good thing for the relationship. So she loses 60 pounds but you've broken trust in the relationship.

Unfortunately, the choice is either to accept her as is, or leave. If she changes and loses weight, that has to be considered a bonus if you stay.

 

[TxBuckeye]

The skinny spouse can't knuckle down and lose his wife's weight either. That was my point. Obviously having cancer isn't the same as being overweight. I was just responding to the suggestion that we shouldn't complain about things we can't change.I agree that resentment is real, but in my experience that resentment is there whether I'm actively complaining or not. The suggestion to "program yourself to embrace it" seems ridiculous. Sorta reminds me of the people that try to get gay people to turn straight.

Ah, ok, gotcha. Misunderstood what you were saying.

 

[Smarge]

I'm also in the same boat as the OP and I'm impressed with the discussion. The last one from Offdee is where I am most days. Is there enough positive to off-set the negative? I'm still married, so I guess the answer is yes - my kids are a huge part of that equation. Someone above said something that makes me consider my situation in a different light though. I do believe it will take a shock for my wife to lose weight, the two prominent/likely shocks being a health problem or me leaving. My thought is - if I left (and I make the assumption she'd then lose weight and become healthier),would that actually be better for her in the long run due to better health? My viewpoint of course is all about me and my perspective, so thinking about it from a different angle is interesting.

 

[offdee]

I'm also in the same boat as the OP and I'm impressed with the discussion. The last one from Offdee is where I am most days. Is there enough positive to off-set the negative? I'm still married, so I guess the answer is yes - my kids are a huge part of that equation. Someone above said something that makes me consider my situation in a different light though. I do believe it will take a shock for my wife to lose weight, the two prominent/likely shocks being a health problem or me leaving. My thought is - if I left (and I make the assumption she'd then lose weight and become healthier),would that actually be better for her in the long run due to better health? My viewpoint of course is all about me and my perspective, so thinking about it from a different angle is interesting.

That's the rub. If you leave, odds are she will lose some weight and you won't be able to reap the benefits. If you stay, she has no motivation to change so will remain unhealthy. Somewhere in the middle there needs to be a realistic shock to the system that makes her see the light while you still stay in the relationship. The best way to go about this is to improve yourself, make yourself more attractive to women and start gaining the attention of other women. When she sees this, she will be threatened to improve to keep up with your new appearance. You don't need to act on anything and continue to be faithful, but becoming the best you can be is the only way to stay in the relationship and hopefully get an improvement in your wife.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

The best way to go about this is to improve yourself, make yourself more attractive to women and start gaining the attention of other women. When she sees this, she will be threatened to improve to keep up with your new appearance.

Well, I feel like a broken record, but this hasn't really been effective for me. Maybe it would work for other people.

 

[offdee]

The best way to go about this is to improve yourself, make yourself more attractive to women and start gaining the attention of other women. When she sees this, she will be threatened to improve to keep up with your new appearance.

Well, I feel like a broken record, but this hasn't really been effective for me. Maybe it would work for other people.

And that goes back to idea of...if this doesn't work than you have one of two choices:1) Stay in the relationship and just understand this is how it will always be. You have a wife that is lazy and you're not physically attracted to. Learn to be OK with this.2) End the relationship and find someone you are phyiscally attracted to.There really is no middle ground here unfortunately given your history.

 

[Smarge]

I'm also in the same boat as the OP and I'm impressed with the discussion. The last one from Offdee is where I am most days. Is there enough positive to off-set the negative? I'm still married, so I guess the answer is yes - my kids are a huge part of that equation. Someone above said something that makes me consider my situation in a different light though. I do believe it will take a shock for my wife to lose weight, the two prominent/likely shocks being a health problem or me leaving. My thought is - if I left (and I make the assumption she'd then lose weight and become healthier),would that actually be better for her in the long run due to better health? My viewpoint of course is all about me and my perspective, so thinking about it from a different angle is interesting.

That's the rub. If you leave, odds are she will lose some weight and you won't be able to reap the benefits. If you stay, she has no motivation to change so will remain unhealthy. Somewhere in the middle there needs to be a realistic shock to the system that makes her see the light while you still stay in the relationship. The best way to go about this is to improve yourself, make yourself more attractive to women and start gaining the attention of other women. When she sees this, she will be threatened to improve to keep up with your new appearance. You don't need to act on anything and continue to be faithful, but becoming the best you can be is the only way to stay in the relationship and hopefully get an improvement in your wife.

In my case, already done. Lost 30 lbs this year, best shape I've been in since my 20's. Has had zero impact to my wife. I committed to it though hoping it would help, with the obvious benefit of getting myself healthier.