My wife, she's... overweight. (2 Viewers)

[T Bell]

She's got a lot on her plate

You don't say? But really, there is no easy way to handle this. For someone to lose weight, they have to want to do it for themselves, not anyone else, and until that day comes, you will likely meet resistance if you say anything, regardless of how delicate you put it. The sad thing is, if you left her tomorrow, she'd then get the motivation to lose 50 lbs, but since things sound relatively comfortable still, she has no reason to do it.

I'm disappointed that this took 18 posts to point out.

 

[T Bell]

I just want to jump back in and say that things can change. My wife is living proof.I mentioned earlier that one day something clicked in her head and she became dedicated to losing her weight. She lost 50 lbs. in about a year, and is now down to 120 lbs. and looks great. She was overweight for 10 years and was diagnosed with diabetes 8 years ago. That wasn't even enough to get her to lose the weight. It took something else, and I'm still not sure what that was.But I never threatened to leave or divorce her, so it definitely wasn't that.

Have you asked her??

She doesn't even know. She knew for a long time that she needed to drop the pounds, especially with the diabetes. She finally just decided to get serious about it. There really wasn't a catalyst, it was just her waking up.She had tried a lot of different programs, but Jenny Craig is what did it for her. She stuck to it and dropped the pounds pretty quickly. She really learned portion control, and has been able to keep the weight off for two years now.

She's cheating on you.

 

[eoMMan]

I just want to jump back in and say that things can change. My wife is living proof.I mentioned earlier that one day something clicked in her head and she became dedicated to losing her weight. She lost 50 lbs. in about a year, and is now down to 120 lbs. and looks great. She was overweight for 10 years and was diagnosed with diabetes 8 years ago. That wasn't even enough to get her to lose the weight. It took something else, and I'm still not sure what that was.But I never threatened to leave or divorce her, so it definitely wasn't that.

Have you asked her??

She doesn't even know. She knew for a long time that she needed to drop the pounds, especially with the diabetes. She finally just decided to get serious about it. There really wasn't a catalyst, it was just her waking up.She had tried a lot of different programs, but Jenny Craig is what did it for her. She stuck to it and dropped the pounds pretty quickly. She really learned portion control, and has been able to keep the weight off for two years now.

She's cheating on you.

She DID get new bolt ons.....you never know.

 

[kutta]

I just want to jump back in and say that things can change. My wife is living proof.I mentioned earlier that one day something clicked in her head and she became dedicated to losing her weight. She lost 50 lbs. in about a year, and is now down to 120 lbs. and looks great. She was overweight for 10 years and was diagnosed with diabetes 8 years ago. That wasn't even enough to get her to lose the weight. It took something else, and I'm still not sure what that was.But I never threatened to leave or divorce her, so it definitely wasn't that.

Have you asked her??

She doesn't even know. She knew for a long time that she needed to drop the pounds, especially with the diabetes. She finally just decided to get serious about it. There really wasn't a catalyst, it was just her waking up.She had tried a lot of different programs, but Jenny Craig is what did it for her. She stuck to it and dropped the pounds pretty quickly. She really learned portion control, and has been able to keep the weight off for two years now.

She's cheating on you.

She DID get new bolt ons.....you never know.

 

[17seconds]

I am one of only 3 males that work with 63 women and I can tell you that as a sex, women have terrible eating habits but yet complain about their weight. When that subject comes up I say nothing. "Diet" to them is impermanent, when it should be a lifestyle. They talk about losing weight for an event more than for themselves. They are a very odd being.

It seems some women have more fun complaining about weight than actually doing something that would make them look and feel better.Hey, you wanna lose weight? Stop sucking down that 400 calorie "coffee" drink everyday.

How come many women who consume copious amounts of diet cola are also overweight? I've always been curious about that.

My BIL's best friend quit drinking diet pepsi, and lost 35 pounds in less than a year. He didn't change anything else in his diet or exercise differently.

It's another thing I do not get about women. You want a drink that is zero calories and helps in digestion and overall health? Try that clear thing, you know, water.

I'm beginning to think we need to clone you and send your duplicates to distressed FBG's

My wife would make the exact same statement and is in complete denial about all the crap she eats.My wife isn't fat but she could lose 20lbs. She complains that it's her thyroid or she has some strange water retention condition. Meanwhile she bakes cookies and pies for no special reason, eats ice cream almost every night, and gets super deluxe nachos all the time.

My wife lost 20lbs.

(give the thumbup but I feel the same about her at both weights - it's good for her though)

Metabolism B diet. It did the trick.

 

[DA RAIDERS]

#### doesn't come for free. it takes work and COMMITMENT. i can not stress the commitment enough. something has to be more important than giving in. for me it was gout. mind numbingly painful gout where i could not function.your love for her and the desire to keep your relationship alive and well sounds like it is that important to you. is it to her? after 10 years, you should be able to have that conversation with her.i have lost 20 lbs over the last 3 months. i weighed 200 and now weigh 180. i haven't weighed 180 in over 15 years. this was accomplished with absolutely no change in exercise habits, ie: zero exercise. regular exercise is going to be the next health change i bring into my life.this is what i did. i stopped drinking alcohol, i drank a couple drinks nearly everyday before. i ate no animal protein other than cheese and eggs. that's it, NO other changes. i eat virtually nothing processed, i do not drink soda. if it comes in a box, bag or is frozen, don't eat it. this is HARD to do, but it's possible. my wife was completely in my corner and helped me tremendously by finding ways to make veggies/pasta/rice/etc taste good. again, it's a pain in the ###, but it's worth it! and sometimes it SUCKED big time!! steamers on the pier, not for me! i get to watch everyone else eat couple beers at the ballgame? nope!! etc, etc........i have slowly started to incorporate a drink here and there and have started eating fish and the occasional legged animal. but i am still being VERY rigorous out of straight up fear that the gout will return. we'll see how far off the militant diet wagon i fall, but the pain was so bad for me, that i really think i have made a life style change that i will stick with from here on out.good luck.

interesting to revisit this. i have stuck to it. i still barely eat any meat, fish on occasion, a little bacon now and again and i barely drink at all. the weight has stayed off. the gout has stayed away as well. i still have yet to incorporate regular exercise into the mix :(

one theory is that diet is 80% off all weight loss, this seems to be true in my case.

 

[boubucarow]

I have been married for 10 years this upcoming October. My wife has been as low as 120ish, was 150ish on our wedding day, and recently reached the 190's. She should weigh around 125 or so. We did talk from time to time about her health but I never once said something about her weight. I loved her just as much at 190 as i did at 130.

This winter she decided to do something about it. She has already lost 20+ pounds the proper way, is working out 3-5 times a week on top of 40+ minutes of walking daily, and has already made drastic changes in her diet. I am very proud of her and have every expectation that she will continue to have a very active lifestyle and improve her health.

I didn't pressure her, criticize her, or threaten her. The most I ever said is that I would like to be more certain she would live a long healthy life.

 

[glumpy]

interesting to revisit this. i have stuck to it. i still barely eat any meat, fish on occasion, a little bacon now and again and i barely drink at all. the weight has stayed off. the gout has stayed away as well. i still have yet to incorporate regular exercise into the mix :(

i have slowly started to incorporate a drink here and there and have started eating fish and the occasional legged animal. but i am still being VERY rigorous out of straight up fear that the gout will return. we'll see how far off the militant diet wagon i fall, but the pain was so bad for me, that i really think i have made a life style change that i will stick with from here on out.

good luck.

one theory is that diet is 80% off all weight loss, this seems to be true in my case.

FOR GOUT--Cherry Juice Concentrate Get some.I sound like a born again in my circle of friends and acquantances--this isn't the only brand, and regular strength Knotts or such will work too. My doctor is astounded that I'm off the meds. I've gotten friends off crutches with this stuff. At this point I just take a swallow once a week or so because the gout is virtually gone--and I'm on my feet in work boots 10 hours/day minimum. Bottom line--whatever else you want to do for relief--this stuff will make it work. It's all I do.

 

[iamsmilin]

I am one of only 3 males that work with 63 women and I can tell you that as a sex, women have terrible eating habits but yet complain about their weight. When that subject comes up I say nothing. "Diet" to them is impermanent, when it should be a lifestyle. They talk about losing weight for an event more than for themselves. They are a very odd being.

It seems some women have more fun complaining about weight than actually doing something that would make them look and feel better.Hey, you wanna lose weight? Stop sucking down that 400 calorie "coffee" drink everyday.

How come many women who consume copious amounts of diet cola are also overweight? I've always been curious about that.

My BIL's best friend quit drinking diet pepsi, and lost 35 pounds in less than a year. He didn't change anything else in his diet or exercise differently.

It's another thing I do not get about women. You want a drink that is zero calories and helps in digestion and overall health? Try that clear thing, you know, water.

I'm beginning to think we need to clone you and send your duplicates to distressed FBG's

My wife would make the exact same statement and is in complete denial about all the crap she eats.My wife isn't fat but she could lose 20lbs. She complains that it's her thyroid or she has some strange water retention condition. Meanwhile she bakes cookies and pies for no special reason, eats ice cream almost every night, and gets super deluxe nachos all the time.

My wife lost 20lbs. (give the thumbup but I feel the same about her at both weights - it's good for her though) Metabolism B diet. It did the trick.

Awesome! Congrats to her and you for not caring what her weight it. I've gained some weight over the winter and am currently working on getting it off.

 

[DA RAIDERS]

interesting to revisit this. i have stuck to it. i still barely eat any meat, fish on occasion, a little bacon now and again and i barely drink at all. the weight has stayed off. the gout has stayed away as well. i still have yet to incorporate regular exercise into the mix :(

i have slowly started to incorporate a drink here and there and have started eating fish and the occasional legged animal. but i am still being VERY rigorous out of straight up fear that the gout will return. we'll see how far off the militant diet wagon i fall, but the pain was so bad for me, that i really think i have made a life style change that i will stick with from here on out.

good luck.

one theory is that diet is 80% off all weight loss, this seems to be true in my case.

FOR GOUT--Cherry Juice Concentrate Get some.I sound like a born again in my circle of friends and acquantances--this isn't the only brand, and regular strength Knotts or such will work too. My doctor is astounded that I'm off the meds. I've gotten friends off crutches with this stuff. At this point I just take a swallow once a week or so because the gout is virtually gone--and I'm on my feet in work boots 10 hours/day minimum. Bottom line--whatever else you want to do for relief--this stuff will make it work. It's all I do.

PRAISE CHERRIES!!

i have embraced them in raw, juice, extract and pill form. instead of a cocktail i have a shot or 2 of cherry concentrate and a seltzer water, in a chilled pint glass or if i'm feeling fancy, a reidel burgundy glass.

thanks for the heads up!

 

[the moops]

I have been married for 10 years this upcoming October. My wife has been as low as 120ish, was 150ish on our wedding day, and recently reached the 190's. She should weigh around 125 or so. We did talk from time to time about her health but I never once said something about her weight. I loved her just as much at 190 as i did at 130.

This winter she decided to do something about it. She has already lost 20+ pounds the proper way, is working out 3-5 times a week on top of 40+ minutes of walking daily, and has already made drastic changes in her diet. I am very proud of her and have every expectation that she will continue to have a very active lifestyle and improve her health.

I didn't pressure her, criticize her, or threaten her. The most I ever said is that I would like to be more certain she would live a long healthy life.

 

[Otis]

Sell the cars and move to a fifth floor walk up in NYC. She'll drop the weight like a ham off the chrysler building.

 

[Invaded?]

Thought I'd drop in with an update.

***UPDATE***

 

[Dan Lambskin]

 

[James Daulton]

To be fair to your wife, just looking around it seems like at least 50% of the people I see are noticeably overweight. I'd peg around 25% as either borderline or full blown obese. We as a society simply accept being fat as part of growing older. It's hard to either remain or get thin so people just don't even bother. It's kind of sad really. I work in an office building with about 200 people who work on either the 2nd or 3rd floor. We've been her for 1 year. I've counted exactly 8 different people over the year who I've walked past (either going up or down) in the stairwell. That's how lazy we've become.

Sorry, no advice for you, but it's not like your wife is unusual or anything.

 

[boubucarow]

I have been married for 10 years this upcoming October. My wife has been as low as 120ish, was 150ish on our wedding day, and recently reached the 190's. She should weigh around 125 or so. We did talk from time to time about her health but I never once said something about her weight. I loved her just as much at 190 as i did at 130.

This winter she decided to do something about it. She has already lost 20+ pounds the proper way, is working out 3-5 times a week on top of 40+ minutes of walking daily, and has already made drastic changes in her diet. I am very proud of her and have every expectation that she will continue to have a very active lifestyle and improve her health.

I didn't pressure her, criticize her, or threaten her. The most I ever said is that I would like to be more certain she would live a long healthy life.

She is still going strong and down to the 150's.

 

[Invaded?]

To be fair to your wife, just looking around it seems like at least 50% of the people I see are noticeably overweight. I'd peg around 25% as either borderline or full blown obese. We as a society simply accept being fat as part of growing older. It's hard to either remain or get thin so people just don't even bother. It's kind of sad really. I work in an office building with about 200 people who work on either the 2nd or 3rd floor. We've been her for 1 year. I've counted exactly 8 different people over the year who I've walked past (either going up or down) in the stairwell. That's how lazy we've become.

Sorry, no advice for you, but it's not like your wife is unusual or anything.

Yeah, well I don't expect my wife to look 25 when she's 60. But to be pretty significantly overweight when she's 35, with no outlook for change, is different. We should have many more years of physical attraction, fun, and good sex. Part of the marriage agreement is 'in sickness and in health', but there's also a responsibility to make an effort for your significant other.

It's really been a downward spiral, compounding on itself, over the last couple years. She gains weight. She feels bad about herself. She pulls back and has a negative attitude about things. I come home every day, I get the negative attitude combined with the unattractive appearance. I lose interest. We lose touch and don't make the effort we used to. We argue. We have bad sex every once in a while. Rinse and repeat.

I've been gearing up lately for a serious talk. I owe it to her to be completely and blatantly honest I think. She's got to know exactly how this is affecting me before it's too late for us.

 

[sbonomo]

To be fair to your wife, just looking around it seems like at least 50% of the people I see are noticeably overweight. I'd peg around 25% as either borderline or full blown obese. We as a society simply accept being fat as part of growing older. It's hard to either remain or get thin so people just don't even bother. It's kind of sad really. I work in an office building with about 200 people who work on either the 2nd or 3rd floor. We've been her for 1 year. I've counted exactly 8 different people over the year who I've walked past (either going up or down) in the stairwell. That's how lazy we've become.

Sorry, no advice for you, but it's not like your wife is unusual or anything.

Yeah, well I don't expect my wife to look 25 when she's 60. But to be pretty significantly overweight when she's 35, with no outlook for change, is different. We should have many more years of physical attraction, fun, and good sex. Part of the marriage agreement is 'in sickness and in health', but there's also a responsibility to make an effort for your significant other.

It's really been a downward spiral, compounding on itself, over the last couple years. She gains weight. She feels bad about herself. She pulls back and has a negative attitude about things. I come home every day, I get the negative attitude combined with the unattractive appearance. I lose interest. We lose touch and don't make the effort we used to. We argue. We have bad sex every once in a while. Rinse and repeat.

I've been gearing up lately for a serious talk. I owe it to her to be completely and blatantly honest I think. She's got to know exactly how this is affecting me before it's too late for us.

wow this sounds way to familiar other than my wife is not severly overweight.

 

[James Daulton]

To be fair to your wife, just looking around it seems like at least 50% of the people I see are noticeably overweight. I'd peg around 25% as either borderline or full blown obese. We as a society simply accept being fat as part of growing older. It's hard to either remain or get thin so people just don't even bother. It's kind of sad really. I work in an office building with about 200 people who work on either the 2nd or 3rd floor. We've been her for 1 year. I've counted exactly 8 different people over the year who I've walked past (either going up or down) in the stairwell. That's how lazy we've become.

Sorry, no advice for you, but it's not like your wife is unusual or anything.

Yeah, well I don't expect my wife to look 25 when she's 60. But to be pretty significantly overweight when she's 35, with no outlook for change, is different. We should have many more years of physical attraction, fun, and good sex. Part of the marriage agreement is 'in sickness and in health', but there's also a responsibility to make an effort for your significant other.

It's really been a downward spiral, compounding on itself, over the last couple years. She gains weight. She feels bad about herself. She pulls back and has a negative attitude about things. I come home every day, I get the negative attitude combined with the unattractive appearance. I lose interest. We lose touch and don't make the effort we used to. We argue. We have bad sex every once in a while. Rinse and repeat.

I've been gearing up lately for a serious talk. I owe it to her to be completely and blatantly honest I think. She's got to know exactly how this is affecting me before it's too late for us.

You seem like a reasonable and patient person. Hopefully she'll respond positively. Good luck!

 

[McGarnicle]

To be fair to your wife, just looking around it seems like at least 50% of the people I see are noticeably overweight. I'd peg around 25% as either borderline or full blown obese. We as a society simply accept being fat as part of growing older. It's hard to either remain or get thin so people just don't even bother. It's kind of sad really. I work in an office building with about 200 people who work on either the 2nd or 3rd floor. We've been her for 1 year. I've counted exactly 8 different people over the year who I've walked past (either going up or down) in the stairwell. That's how lazy we've become.

Sorry, no advice for you, but it's not like your wife is unusual or anything.

Yeah, well I don't expect my wife to look 25 when she's 60. But to be pretty significantly overweight when she's 35, with no outlook for change, is different. We should have many more years of physical attraction, fun, and good sex. Part of the marriage agreement is 'in sickness and in health', but there's also a responsibility to make an effort for your significant other.

It's really been a downward spiral, compounding on itself, over the last couple years. She gains weight. She feels bad about herself. She pulls back and has a negative attitude about things. I come home every day, I get the negative attitude combined with the unattractive appearance. I lose interest. We lose touch and don't make the effort we used to. We argue. We have bad sex every once in a while. Rinse and repeat.

I've been gearing up lately for a serious talk. I owe it to her to be completely and blatantly honest I think. She's got to know exactly how this is affecting me before it's too late for us.

You'll want to apply ice for at least 30 minutes, then take 2 Advil and just lay down and relax for a while. Repeat the Advil as needed. If she used a cast iron skillet, it's possible you have a concussion. If you have any loss of consciousness, dizziness, confusion, slurred speech, nausea/vomiting, get immediate medical attention.

 

[Invaded?]

Well. That didn't go well.

 

[pats3in4]

Well. That didn't go well.

It rarely does. Shouldn't stop you from saying what needs to be said, though. Good job.

 

[flapgreen]

Terrible idea. She knows she's fat. Telling her out loud that you have a problem with it will make it exponentially worse. You build up a woman's self esteem to motivate her, not tear it down.

 

[SacramentoBob]

Well. That didn't go well.

Kind of surprised here. Telling women they are fat usually goes well.

 

[flapgreen]

I haven't really read a lot of this thread, but the people who told him to confront her about being fat are nuts. Talk about some of the worst advice a man could take, this is probably at the top of the list.

 

[johnnycakes]

I hate to bring it up, I really do. But most Chinese women are naturally slim. My wife, for example, 43 years old and size 2 and she doesn't even try to stay slim. That's just the way she's built. Same with my daughter... size 0 petite and she doesn't even think about diets.

 

[igbomb]

I hate to bring it up, I really do. But most Chinese women are naturally slim. My wife, for example, 43 years old and size 2 and she doesn't even try to stay slim. That's just the way she's built. Same with my daughter... size 0 petite and she doesn't even think about diets.

Unbelievable

 

[flapgreen]

I hate to bring it up, I really do. But most Chinese women are naturally slim. My wife, for example, 43 years old and size 2 and she doesn't even try to stay slim. That's just the way she's built. Same with my daughter... size 0 petite and she doesn't even think about diets.

PICS!

 

[johnnycakes]

I hate to bring it up, I really do. But most Chinese women are naturally slim. My wife, for example, 43 years old and size 2 and she doesn't even try to stay slim. That's just the way she's built. Same with my daughter... size 0 petite and she doesn't even think about diets.

Unbelievable

Believable!!

 

[johnnycakes]

I hate to bring it up, I really do. But most Chinese women are naturally slim. My wife, for example, 43 years old and size 2 and she doesn't even try to stay slim. That's just the way she's built. Same with my daughter... size 0 petite and she doesn't even think about diets.

PICS!

You guys screwed that up when I posted my daughter's prom pictures.

 

[northern exposure]

I hate to bring it up, I really do. But most Chinese women are naturally slim. My wife, for example, 43 years old and size 2 and she doesn't even try to stay slim. That's just the way she's built. Same with my daughter... size 0 petite and she doesn't even think about diets.

PICS!

You guys screwed that up when I posted my daughter's prom pictures.

Yup. We really screwed up there. Now we just get to hear about your wife and daughter all the time, but don't get to see any pics. The pics would make your constant yammering more bearable.

 

[Smarge]

Well. That didn't go well.

I would expect the initial reaction to be uncomfortable. Any chance upon reflection that it opens the lines of communication and then things improve from there?

 

[culdeus]

I hate to bring it up, I really do. But most Chinese women are naturally slim. My wife, for example, 43 years old and size 2 and she doesn't even try to stay slim. That's just the way she's built. Same with my daughter... size 0 petite and she doesn't even think about diets.

Please don't besmirch the laws of thermodynamics in here. Tia

 

[flapgreen]

Well. That didn't go well.

I would expect the initial reaction to be uncomfortable. Any chance upon reflection that it opens the lines of communication and then things improve from there?

Zero

 

[Mister Martie]

 

[joffer]

I hate to bring it up, I really do. But most Chinese women are naturally slim. My wife, for example, 43 years old and size 2 and she doesn't even try to stay slim. That's just the way she's built. Same with my daughter... size 0 petite and she doesn't even think about diets.

Your wife is Chinese?

 

[T Bell]

I hate to bring it up, I really do. But most Chinese women are naturally slim. My wife, for example, 43 years old and size 2 and she doesn't even try to stay slim. That's just the way she's built. Same with my daughter... size 0 petite and she doesn't even think about diets.

PICS!

Link

 

[Judge Smails]

It's a really tough spot. For all of you who advocate saying nothing, what if she just keeps getting bigger and makes zero attempt at better lifestyle choices?

If this is a teenage daughter it's different. I would just make sure everything I put in a fridge, pantry and on the table is healthy. Everyone in the family eats well as a lifestyle change. I would be very worried about self esteem and body image issues with a daughter. But less so for a wife who is and not making real attempts at being healthy. You don't have to be thin or a supermodel. Don't have to be a workout freak. JUST DON'T EAT CRAP AND WALK EVERYDAY. it's not that hard.

Trust me, after a divorce she'll get in shape. Amazing how that happens. Good luck.

 

[James Daulton]

I guess the only thing left to do is to show your wife this thread. So we can talk some sense into her.

 

[johnnycakes]

I hate to bring it up, I really do. But most Chinese women are naturally slim. My wife, for example, 43 years old and size 2 and she doesn't even try to stay slim. That's just the way she's built. Same with my daughter... size 0 petite and she doesn't even think about diets.

PICS!

Link

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Well. That didn't go well.

I'd be interested in hearing more about this if you're comfortable sharing.

 

[culdeus]

To be fair to your wife, just looking around it seems like at least 50% of the people I see are noticeably overweight. I'd peg around 25% as either borderline or full blown obese. We as a society simply accept being fat as part of growing older. It's hard to either remain or get thin so people just don't even bother. It's kind of sad really. I work in an office building with about 200 people who work on either the 2nd or 3rd floor. We've been her for 1 year. I've counted exactly 8 different people over the year who I've walked past (either going up or down) in the stairwell. That's how lazy we've become.

Sorry, no advice for you, but it's not like your wife is unusual or anything.

Yeah, well I don't expect my wife to look 25 when she's 60. But to be pretty significantly overweight when she's 35, with no outlook for change, is different. We should have many more years of physical attraction, fun, and good sex. Part of the marriage agreement is 'in sickness and in health', but there's also a responsibility to make an effort for your significant other.

It's really been a downward spiral, compounding on itself, over the last couple years. She gains weight. She feels bad about herself. She pulls back and has a negative attitude about things. I come home every day, I get the negative attitude combined with the unattractive appearance. I lose interest. We lose touch and don't make the effort we used to. We argue. We have bad sex every once in a while. Rinse and repeat.

I've been gearing up lately for a serious talk. I owe it to her to be completely and blatantly honest I think. She's got to know exactly how this is affecting me before it's too late for us.

Can you give me an idea of what a typical eating day is like for her? Just curious. And what is significantly overweight? 225? 250? more? Do you have kids? How easy would it be to just split on her?

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Can you give me an idea of what a typical eating day is like for her? Just curious. And what is significantly overweight? 225? 250? more? Do you have kids? How easy would it be to just split on her?

I think Invaded? said he thought she was more than 60 pounds overweight when he started the thread. Not sure if anything has changed there. And he said he had kids.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Can you give me an idea of what a typical eating day is like for her? Just curious. And what is significantly overweight? 225? 250? more? Do you have kids? How easy would it be to just split on her?

I think Invaded? said he thought she was more than 60 pounds overweight when he started the thread. Not sure if anything has changed there. And he said he had kids.

Just went back and read. He said she was never "skinny" but he thought she was 60-70 pounds more than when they married. So she's probably closer to 90 pounds overweight.

 

[johnnycakes]

Can you give me an idea of what a typical eating day is like for her? Just curious. And what is significantly overweight? 225? 250? more? Do you have kids? How easy would it be to just split on her?

I think Invaded? said he thought she was more than 60 pounds overweight when he started the thread. Not sure if anything has changed there. And he said he had kids.

Just went back and read. He said she was never "skinny" but he thought she was 60-70 pounds more than when they married. So she's probably closer to 90 pounds overweight.

If she keeps going another 20-25 pounds, that number will hit my wife's present weight. That means he could have had two Chinese wives for the tonnage of one American wife.

 

[Invaded?]

Well. That didn't go well.

I'd be interested in hearing more about this if you're comfortable sharing.

Well, first of all, I didn't "tell her she's fat".

I've been really bummed on our relationship lately and she has noticed. Over the past week I actually noticed some more effort on her part, but it had just gotten to a point where I was beyond the tipping point where I could just turn it around. Her weight is part of it, but only a part.

So last night I was doing the dishes and she asked me if there was "something she did" or if I was just stressed from work, etc. (which I am). I told her lets talk after the kids go to bed.

So basically I just start out the conversation just telling her that I'm not happy with where our relationship is at, and I want to improve it. I told her that I can't remember the last time I came home from a long day and got a huge hug and a big sloppy kiss. I told her that I feel like I'm not getting enough affection from her. As a result, we are not communicating, don't spend quality time together, and just overall (from my perspective) have a personal relationship that is suffering.

Some of you might know the "love language" thing. About a year ago I had a conversation with her about this. I started off asking where I could improve. Her love language is words of encouragement (yeah, you can see where this is going). So I spend time (months?) trying to really encourage her, give her complements about what a great mom she is (she is), how she's doing a great job balancing kids and part time work, give her complements on her appearance when she looked nice, bringing home flowers or other things randomly, etc. She also asked me to work on my temper with the kids. I tried to work on that as well.

I told her that what I wanted her to improve on was her affection towards me. Random physical touching (doesn't even have to be sexual), kissing, etc. I needed to feel like her husband, not her roommate.

Anyway, after that conversation not much changed, even when I tried for months to consciously work on things from my end.

So back to last night, I bring up the conversation we had a year ago, how I felt like nothing changed on her end. She did not deny that. Eventually I talked about how she doesn't really seem happy (which she denied, offended that I thought that), that I think her self esteem has been down because of her weight and it seems to affect her personality. And that all that put together has just gradually made me lose interest, and that I wanted to fix it so we had the relationship we had 10 years ago. She admitted that she knew our relationship "could use improvement", but didn't think it was "that bad". I tried to emphasize that I wasn't putting everything on her, and that I knew there were things I needed to change, but I can't change them if we don't talk.

I really cannot remember every detail of the conversation, every word, but somehow through all that, the things she came away with were:

1. I think she's hideous (I don't)

2. She is not 'special' to me anymore (wrong)

She said she needs time to "process" things, so I am going to give her some space. I tried to be honest with her in a way that conveyed wanting to fix our relationship, and it didn't seem to work. Somehow I came out of the conversation as the bad guy.

So today I'm at work, more unhappy than I was yesterday.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Her reaction was exactly what I would expect, and is similar to my wife's reaction when I've tried to have similar conversations with her. I wish I had some helpful advice for you but I don't. I would say that conversation is probably similar to conversations my wife and I had a couple years ago. Over the past couple years we've had a few conversations that even went further in terms of frankness and honesty. It doesn't seem like conversations work, at least for my marriage.

My view at this point is that if you're not willing to threaten a divorce, you have no power to make her change. I feel your frustration.

 

[culdeus]

Extra fat = decreased libido. They are connected. It makes total sense why she is behaving this way.

You are doing the right thing.

For women of reproductive age extra fat is perhaps as bad or even worse than smoking. She still has to want to drop the pounds.

 

[JFT Ben]

I think you should checkout the newish Athol Kay book Mindful Attraction Plan. It focuses on what you can do to change marital (and life, but generally focuses on marital aspects) situations you aren't happy with. It focuses on that you can only change yourself, but by doing so you can put pressure on your partner, and lays out a strategy to do so. It also lays out the steps of applying this pressure in a compounding way that either you'll get what you are shooting for from your partner, or have exhausted all other means and can step away from the relationship knowing you did everything you could.

If you aren't familiar, Athol is the author of the Married Man Sex Life Primer and even popped in here in Bogart's Sex as a Weapon thread.

Not to bring unrelated things into this thread (my wife wasn't really overweight, but we had some of the same issues with affection, feeling more like roommates, unsatisfying sex life, etc.) and the MMSL book really helped clear things up in my mind and help put me and us on track again. A couple years later and things are better than they ever have been. The Bogart thread is good too in that even though the circumstances were somewhat different, he was unsatisfied (and had kids), ended up divorced (a tough decision no matter what) and came out the other side in better shape.

Good luck to all my bros in this thread.

 

[comfortably numb]

I hate to bring it up, I really do. But most Chinese women are naturally slim. My wife, for example, 43 years old and size 2 and she doesn't even try to stay slim. That's just the way she's built. Same with my daughter... size 0 petite and she doesn't even think about diets.

because they shop at those healthy Asian Markets

http://imgur.com/PYMgkEu