Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums
This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!
My wife thinks I have a drinking problem.... (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Bull Dozier
- Start date
Da Guru
Fair & Balanced
My SIL is the same way...she does not drink and she hates when her husband who is actually a light drinker has 2 drinks and loosens up and has fun. Not remotely drunk but just loose. In reality she hates her husband having any kind of fun but that is a different story. To each their own I guess.
IMO a grown person should be able to live life and choose to have or not have a drink without being judged. I understand if you are getting totally wasted but this seems the total opposite case here.
KCitons
Footballguy
Marriage is a give and take. Some things are more important than others. Some are where we draw a line in the sand. Since the OP's wife can't change the behavior (only the OP can), then yes.
KCitons
Footballguy
I agree with the bolded.
She is also a grown person and wants to live her life the way she chooses. That may mean living with someone that doesn't drink on weekdays. It may be someone that has a successful career, or any number of things. Ultimately, the OP has to decide whether living his life his way is more important than living their life together. If that's what it comes to.
Da Guru
Fair & Balanced
Live "her" life as she chooses but make sure her husband does not live "His" life the way he chooses.
First of all that she would have a fit about one Baileys and coffee tells me all I need to know. There are control issues. I know because my SIL is the same way.
KCitons
Footballguy
Then the OP should share that there are other control issues. But, he didn't.
When you're married, you share your life with your partner. Not sure why that's difficult to understand. I would bet that every person that has been married for a length of time has made certain sacrifices. When one of them decides that the sacrifice is not something they are willing to make, the marriage usually doesn't last.
Da Guru
Fair & Balanced
bigmarc27
Footballguy
Somehow I think it may be more than that... I had a roommate who used to “loosen up” with a beer or two after work. His loosened up version made him an ####### though. There was very distinct difference in his personality when he wasn’t drinking and when he got buzzed. He wasn’t enjoyable to be around.
Alex P Keaton
Footballguy
Wait, what?Bull Dozier said:
KCitons
Footballguy
What would you do? Tell her to get used to it and hope it doesn't cause irreparable damage to the relationship for her. Or not drink, which may cause irreparable damage to the relationship for you.
Da Guru
Fair & Balanced
KCitons
Footballguy
Da Guru
Fair & Balanced
In my job dealing with the Big 3 and suppliers forever...I have been around light drinkers and heavy drinkers hundreds of times. Been to many parties with my friends and our social circle. I have never seen anyone turn into a total jerk after 1-2 beers. 10-12? Yes
Da Guru
Fair & Balanced
bigmarc27
Footballguy
Da Guru
Fair & Balanced
KCitons
Footballguy
Then you know that both you and your wife have made changes or done things for each other. You, or her, could have drawn a line in the sand with any of those things. Perhaps you had conversations about them to determine the reasons why certain things bother you or her. You reach an agreement on the best solution for the relationship.
The OP's issue is the same. They will have to reach an agreement that works for both of them. Maybe she get's her way, maybe he get's his. To say F it, I'm doing it and I don't care what she thinks, is not a solution.
bigmarc27
Footballguy
Only one male, but there’s been a handful of people over the years. Their buzzed personality was obnoxious and they became sarcastic and antagonistic. No slurred speech or anything, but would just comment and criticize on everything.
Da Guru
Fair & Balanced
My feeling has always been I want my wife to do the things she has fun doing and enjoys, she feels the same. Of course there are always limits and reading the OP it seems he is almost a non-drinker.
Da Guru
Fair & Balanced
bigmarc27
Footballguy
It would only take him 1 or 2, but he didn’t drink much. Similar to the OP here, so I’m wondering if even though it’s not something he does often, when he does it makes his wife uncomfortable because he’s not his normal self. I don’t know either way in his case, but I could foresee that being the root issue and not that he had a couple of drinks.
General Malaise
Footballguy
I'd be against the ultimatum. Marriages shouldn't be based on ultimatums unless the behavior in question is severely affecting the marriage. This isn't. The ultimatum isn't justified. I'd leave the marriage based on her being unreasonable but that's just me.
Chemical X
Footballguy
start hiding booze
Da Guru
Fair & Balanced
You and me both....but I stated earlier I probably would have never been in that situation if I saw the signs while dating.
KCitons
Footballguy
If this was the only unreasonable thing, would you leave the marriage? If it's a pattern of unreasonable things, then it's not just about the drinking.
Moonlight
Footballguy
I'm not much of a drinker. We had been living together a few months and I brought home two quarts of beer. I was having a buddy over for the Superbowl. She had a fit and laid into me big time about my drinking. Now prior to this I had never been drunk and only had a beer occasionally when we had dinner out.
Her intensity and anger surprised me and it took some time to work it through. Her father was an active alcoholic and his drinking pattern was to bring home two quarts of beer at a time. There were many problems, fighting, stress related to the drinking.
The two quarts was like a PTSD trigger for her. I told her I wouldn't buy two quarts again in the future.
So as was previously mentioned one of several possibilities is that drinking Baileys on a school night triggered off some past trauma.
Her intensity and anger surprised me and it took some time to work it through. Her father was an active alcoholic and his drinking pattern was to bring home two quarts of beer at a time. There were many problems, fighting, stress related to the drinking.
The two quarts was like a PTSD trigger for her. I told her I wouldn't buy two quarts again in the future.
So as was previously mentioned one of several possibilities is that drinking Baileys on a school night triggered off some past trauma.
I think maybe the first thing is a talk about "what's normal?". And what would constitute a "drinking problem".
Getting a clear definition on both those will be a good start.
And to be sure. This isn't about who is right or wrong. It's about what society deems as normal.
She may well think 1 drink a week means a drinking problem. She can think what she wants. But she has to understand she's pretty much alone in thinking that. That may or may not make a difference, but it's important to establish I think what's "normal".
If it's a situation where she's not comfortable with you drinking at all, that's something to work through.
Why does she think that? Very often, it's something in her past she's seen. An alcoholic person she saw start with a single drink and turn into an alcoholic or something. Again, it's not going to be necessarily rational. But it's important to understand what you're dealing with.
Good luck there. I'd err on the side of clear over communication to work through it. Very often a counselor can be a big help here as it pulls in a (hopefully) objective voice. But I'd stress, don't go in with the idea the counselor is going to show her how wrong she is. Go in with the idea of hoping to find out what's going on.
Getting a clear definition on both those will be a good start.
And to be sure. This isn't about who is right or wrong. It's about what society deems as normal.
She may well think 1 drink a week means a drinking problem. She can think what she wants. But she has to understand she's pretty much alone in thinking that. That may or may not make a difference, but it's important to establish I think what's "normal".
If it's a situation where she's not comfortable with you drinking at all, that's something to work through.
Why does she think that? Very often, it's something in her past she's seen. An alcoholic person she saw start with a single drink and turn into an alcoholic or something. Again, it's not going to be necessarily rational. But it's important to understand what you're dealing with.
Good luck there. I'd err on the side of clear over communication to work through it. Very often a counselor can be a big help here as it pulls in a (hopefully) objective voice. But I'd stress, don't go in with the idea the counselor is going to show her how wrong she is. Go in with the idea of hoping to find out what's going on.
Otis
Footballguy
matuski
Footballguy
Last edited by a moderator:
DocHolliday
Footballguy
Women.
DallasDMac
Footballguy
There are certainly many more options than just those two. I think those are actually the worst two possible solutions to the issue. Either one would likely lead to resentment or worse.
matuski
Footballguy
I find trying to have rational conversations with my wife when she takes an irrational position to be counterproductive.
boots11234
Footballguy
Maybe it’s his wife?zamboni said:
boots11234
Footballguy
Why not just quit? I mean you clearly won’t miss it as you don’t have a problem. Just quit and make her happy.
matuski
Footballguy
Quit what.
He poured some baileys in a hot chocolate.
This is the type of thing where I neither engage in the fight nor alter my behavior. Small things where she loses it... lose lose situation. Just carry on.
eta - I'd have zoned that stuff out within 30 seconds.
Last edited by a moderator:
Binky The Doormat
Footballguy
dude ...you gotta blow that place, immediately if not sooner. If you can't hear those alarms bells now, you are so going to regret it.
fred_1_15301
Footballguy
I haven't read through this thread but I'm pretty sure you need to leave her. I'm sure someone else has already made this same comment.
OrtonToOlsen
Footballguy
ghostguy123
Footballguy
KCitons
Footballguy
You're correct. Maybe he's going to stop drinking because he doesn't see it as being that important. Which has been my point all along. There are others here that say he should just keep doing what he's doing, because the problem is solely hers and she needs to figure out how to get over it. If you apply that method to any marital problems, it's probably why we have such a high divorce rate.
Punxsutawney Phil
Footballguy
I'm going to go buy my wife breakfast this morning. It's threads like these that make you realize how bad your life could be.
comfortably numb
Footballguy
Your wife might simply view it acceptable to be a social drinker. Weekends, with friends or at a party. The second you started drinking alone and during the week it removed the sociability aspect and in her mind it means the start of a drinking problem.
So to her, whatever reasons you have to drink alone are signs of an alcoholic.
Whether it be unwind, you like the taste, eksetra
So to her, whatever reasons you have to drink alone are signs of an alcoholic.
Whether it be unwind, you like the taste, eksetra
ghostguy123
Footballguy
Applying your method is actually worse IMO.
As someone else said, either just doing what he is doing despite his wife's wishes or stopping just because his wife says so are both bad options. I believe yours is worse in this case based on what the OP has said.
ghostguy123
Footballguy
As he said though, weird for this to come up 17 years after being married. Maybe the OP can correct me, but I would imagine he has had mid week drinks in the past 17 years that his wife is fully aware of.
KCitons
Footballguy
There are lot's of reasons people get divorced. Usually it's because one person has done something, or is doing multiple things that cause the other to fall out of love with the other.
We don't have to agree on the specifics. I was merely pointing out that marriage is a compromise. Some things are worth changing for, others are not. Some spouses are able to overcome infidelity and remain married. They don't accept that the other is still having affairs. So, the behavior stops. I know this is an extreme example. But, it shows the change or acceptance required by one of them to be able to save the relationship.
Apple Jack
Footballguy
James Daulton
Footballguy
KCitons
Footballguy
This is true. But only if you see things from his side.
Replace drinking with anything else and you see that it doesn't matter. People get divorced due to money. If one person spends more than the other, is it the spenders problem, or the savers problem?
