My wife thinks I have a drinking problem.... (1 Viewer)

[Alex P Keaton]

Her behavior is the problem, not his.

You don't know that for sure.  We only have his side of the story.

 

[irish eyes]

Why not just quit?  I mean you clearly won’t miss it as you don’t have a problem. Just quit and make her happy. 

Worst idea, everytime she @@@@@@@ about something give in so she is happy. Divorce would be better. 

 

[Shoot_Me_Now]

This is true. But only if you see things from his side. 

Replace drinking with anything else and you see that it doesn't matter. People get divorced due to money. If one person spends more than the other, is it the spenders problem, or the savers problem?

Yeah but in this example of a "drinking problem" that'd be like one spouse getting upset at the other for spending ten extra dollars a month. 

I'd call that the saver's problem for not being reasonable. 

 

[KCitons]

Yeah but in this example of a "drinking problem" that'd be like one spouse getting upset at the other for spending ten extra dollars a month. 

I'd call that the saver's problem for not being reasonable. 

I guess we've reached a collective solution for the OP. Keep drinking and start hiding money. 

It's not a matter of how bad the problem is, it's a matter that the problem bothers her. This is the single issue with every divorce. One or the other gives in to the other person. In this case, many believe that it's not a big deal. The OP should continue what he's doing. If she leaves him because of it, is he better off?

 

[Steeler]

This is true. But only if you see things from his side. 

Replace drinking with anything else and you see that it doesn't matter. People get divorced due to money. If one person spends more than the other, is it the spenders problem, or the savers problem?

This analogy falls short because no one is going to get a divorce over someone spending an extra $5 a week or whatever.  I get your larger point but it is totally misaplied in this situation because he barely qualifies as a drinker, let alone having a problem.

I agree with Joe and the others who think a conversation about her blowup is appropriate, trying to set the record straight regarding his level of drinking amd what is acceptable or trting to figure out if tgere is deeper underlying problem.  But changing my behavior "to make her happy" has never worked for me... it's just led to the next thing I would have to change.

 

[AAABatteries]

Captain and Diet Coke, huh?

 

[Shoot_Me_Now]

I guess we've reached a collective solution for the OP. Keep drinking and start hiding money. 

It's not a matter of how bad the problem is, it's a matter that the problem bothers her. This is the single issue with every divorce. One or the other gives in to the other person. In this case, many believe that it's not a big deal. The OP should continue what he's doing. If she leaves him because of it, is he better off?

The dude is barely drinking. This doesn't have to be a quit drinking or divorce situation. They could maybe talk through it and get to the underlying issue? Maybe divorce rates are up because ultimatums are given instead of talking through things? 

 

[KCitons]

This analogy falls short because no one is going to get a divorce over someone spending an extra $5 a week or whatever.  I get your larger point but it is totally misaplied in this situation because he barely qualifies as a drinker, let alone having a problem.

I agree with Joe and the others who think a conversation about her blowup is appropriate, trying to set the record straight regarding his level of drinking amd what is acceptable or trting to figure out if tgere is deeper underlying problem.  But changing my behavior "to make her happy" has never worked for me... it's just led to the next thing I would have to change.

I agree with a lot of what both of you are saying. We only have one side of this argument. The truth of the matter is that one persons behavior, no matter how insignificant we deem it to be, is having a negative effect on the other. If this was anyone but a spouse, I would say "be you" and move on. Marriage makes it different. 

The dude is barely drinking. This doesn't have to be a quit drinking or divorce situation. They could maybe talk through it and get to the underlining issue? Maybe divorce rates are up because ultimatums are given instead of talking through things? 

Yes, he is barely drinking. Which to me means it would take minimal sacrifice to make his wife happy. If tomorrow she came to him and said, "I don't like your haircut, you need to shave your head" or "I don't want you wearing anything but a suit and tie when you are in my presence". Then you can argue the point of making larger sacrifice that would cause more effort. 

I guess the better question is where do you draw the line to make your spouse happy?

 

[AAABatteries]

If you’d seriously consider giving up alcohol then might I suggest finding something she does or doesn’t do and make a trade off?

 

[Da Guru]

I agree with a lot of what both of you are saying. We only have one side of this argument. The truth of the matter is that one persons behavior, no matter how insignificant we deem it to be, is having a negative effect on the other. If this was anyone but a spouse, I would say "be you" and move on. Marriage makes it different. 

Yes, he is barely drinking. Which to me means it would take minimal sacrifice to make his wife happy. If tomorrow she came to him and said, "I don't like your haircut, you need to shave your head" or "I don't want you wearing anything but a suit and tie when you are in my presence". Then you can argue the point of making larger sacrifice that would cause more effort. 

I guess the better question is where do you draw the line to make your spouse happy?

For some reason I think a Baileys and hot chocolate is the least of his worries with his wife.

 

[bigmarc27]

I don’t know all the facts nor really do I have an opinion on the thread. 

All i I know for sure is a lot of you jump to divorce mighty quickly.  Can’t have a beer?  Better divorce!  Doesn’t like salsa?  Divorce!  Thinks Godfather 3 is a good movie? GTFO we’re divorced!

 

[zamboni]

Maybe it’s his wife?

That’s why I have no emotional intelligence - totally figured it was a guy posting.

 

[jhib]

Does she have some sort of personal traumatic previous experience with alcohol?  A family member that battled alcoholism or maybe knew a victim of a DUI or something of that nature?   I've known a few people that have demonstrated similar behavior to your wife and it's always been due to something like that. 

No.  The closest thing is that her mom probably drinks too much, but other than being annoyed by it when she sees her, I wouldn't describe it as being traumatized.

It doesn't have to be that deep, IMHO.

She simply could have read a book recently where alcoholism was a major issue in a couple's relationship.  Or - even more likely - someone in her Facebook circle has recently posted about marital issues concerning alcohol and referenced her husband's drinking on weekdays - of course, leaving out all the context that would make it clear the drinking was in a different stratosphere compared to yours.

 

[jhib]

I tried asking her something close to that last night.  Probably not phrased as well.  She never gave me any reason for it being bad other than drinking during the week is "weird."  

Obviously, the correct response to this would have been, "Your face is weird."

 

[Steeler]

Thinks Godfather 3 is a good movie? GTFO we’re divorced!

Well you gotta draw the line somewhere  

 

[DallasDMac]

All i I know for sure is a lot of you jump to divorce mighty quickly.  Can’t have a beer?  Better divorce!  Doesn’t like salsa?  Divorce!  Thinks Godfather 3 is a good movie? GTFO we’re divorced!

I don't know that anyone has really seriously mentioned divorce over this. Perhaps I missed it, it isn't worth it to me and go back and look.

 

[ghostguy123]

There are lot's of reasons people get divorced. Usually it's because one person has done something, or is doing multiple things that cause the other to fall out of love with the other. 

We don't have to agree on the specifics. I was merely pointing out that marriage is a compromise. Some things are worth changing for, others are not. Some spouses are able to overcome infidelity and remain married. They don't accept that the other is still having affairs. So, the behavior stops. I know this is an extreme example. But, it shows the change or acceptance required by one of them to be able to save the relationship.

Marriage is a compromise, but what you are suggesting is far from a compromise.

I don't drink often anymore.  However, if my wife was to force me to give it up you better damn well expect her to be making some significant changes as well.

How often he does it is irrelevant.  As you said, replace drinking with anything else.  If your wife makes you to give up something you enjoy, say you golf once a month, then they have quite a bit to discuss as far as what changes SHE is going to be making.

 

[General Malaise]

If this was the only unreasonable thing, would you leave the marriage? If it's a pattern of unreasonable things, then it's not just about the drinking.

If it came out of nowhere after several years of marriage and the drinking was clearly not a problem?  I would continue to drink with the same regularity and let her make her move.  I don't cave to unreasonable demands and I think unreasonable ultimatums are a deal breaker.  YMMV

 

[General Malaise]

Your wife might simply view it acceptable to be a social drinker. Weekends, with friends or at a party. The second you started drinking alone and during the week it removed the sociability aspect and in her mind it means the start of a drinking problem.

So to her, whatever reasons you have to drink alone are signs of an alcoholic. 

Whether it be unwind, you like the taste, eksetra

But why the hell would it take, what, 20 years of marriage to flesh this out?  That's not fair to Bull.  If a spouse is going to take an unreasonable stance that ish needs to be shared up front.  Bait and switch is 2x BS.

 

[Da Guru]

It doesn't have to be that deep, IMHO.

She simply could have read a book recently where alcoholism was a major issue in a couple's relationship.  Or - even more likely - someone in her Facebook circle has recently posted about marital issues concerning alcohol and referenced her husband's drinking on weekdays - of course, leaving out all the context that would make it clear the drinking was in a different stratosphere compared to yours.

If Bull walked in and poured a few ounces of Grey Goose on the rocks she might question him...but a Hot chocolate and Baileys?  You would need to drink dam near a bottle of Baileys to get a decent buzz on. My mom used to drink Baileys because she wanted a drink but never wanted to get drunk.

 

[jhib]

If Bull walked in and poured a few ounces of Grey Goose on the rocks she might question him...but a Hot chocolate and Baileys?  You would beed to drink dam near a bottle of Baileys to get a decent buzz on. My mom used to drink Baileys because she wanted a drink but never wanted to get drunk.

I'll just say that "the dose makes the poison" is a concept that is lost with a lot of people these days.

 

[KCitons]

Marriage is a compromise, but what you are suggesting is far from a compromise.

I don't drink often anymore.  However, if my wife was to force me to give it up you better damn well expect her to be making some significant changes as well.

How often he does it is irrelevant.  As you said, replace drinking with anything else.  If your wife makes you to give up something you enjoy, say you golf once a month, then they have quite a bit to discuss as far as what changes SHE is going to be making.

This is an interesting comment. I believe it was made by someone else as well. If there are things that are a problem with your wife, you would expect changes from her to offset the changes you are making? If those things bothered you before, why haven't you discussed them with her? Are they insignificant? Are you just looking to make them a bigger deal now because you believe her request is insignificant?

 

[KCitons]

If it came out of nowhere after several years of marriage and the drinking was clearly not a problem?  I would continue to drink with the same regularity and let her make her move.  I don't cave to unreasonable demands and I think unreasonable ultimatums are a deal breaker.  YMMV

Then you have made your decision. You determined where you draw the line in the sand. When people ask you why you got divorced the answer would probably be "she was unreasonable in her demands". When they asked for an example, you'd say "She didn't want me to drink a shot of bailey's in my coffee on a Thursday night". That's it. When you're asked what else was unreasonable, and you have nothing else, it would be difficult to decide who the more unreasonable person is. The one who divorced someone for drinking one drink a month, or the one who had to have one drink a month instead of being married. I fail to see a winner on either side.

 

[Da Guru]

This is an interesting comment. I believe it was made by someone else as well. If there are things that are a problem with your wife, you would expect changes from her to offset the changes you are making? If those things bothered you before, why haven't you discussed them with her? Are they insignificant? Are you just looking to make them a bigger deal now because you believe her request is insignificant?

Maybe the wife should talk to a therapist to see why reacted the way she did to something as innocuous as her husband coming in from the cold and having one hot chocolate and Baileys.

A simple.."Thanks for shoveling honey..that will warm you up and taste good"   Situation defused instantly.

 

[General Malaise]

Then you have made your decision. You determined where you draw the line in the sand. When people ask you why you got divorced the answer would probably be "she was unreasonable in her demands". When they asked for an example, you'd say "She didn't want me to drink a shot of bailey's in my coffee on a Thursday night". That's it. When you're asked what else was unreasonable, and you have nothing else, it would be difficult to decide who the more unreasonable person is. The one who divorced someone for drinking one drink a month, or the one who had to have one drink a month instead of being married. I fail to see a winner on either side.

Oh, I do.  We have the right to the pursuit of happiness in this country. If my pursuit of happiness is an occasional drink on a weeknight - legal in every state - and my wife is trying to deny me my right, then she is in the wrong, clearly.  Sounds like you would stay with a woman who denies you your rights.  I would not.  Give me liberty or give me divorce.  

 

[Foosball God]

Where was @Dentist when you needed him?

You want him to poop on her chest?

 

[General Malaise]

Then you have made your decision. You determined where you draw the line in the sand. When people ask you why you got divorced the answer would probably be "she was unreasonable in her demands". When they asked for an example, you'd say "She didn't want me to drink a shot of bailey's in my coffee on a Thursday night". That's it. When you're asked what else was unreasonable, and you have nothing else, it would be difficult to decide who the more unreasonable person is. The one who divorced someone for drinking one drink a month, or the one who had to have one drink a month instead of being married. I fail to see a winner on either side.

Now I have a question for you.  What if tomorrow your wife woke up and told you to get rid of all your guns and you could never own or fire one ever again.  You have a right to guns.  You're a responsible gun owner.  But wife says "no mas".

You giving them all up for her? 

 

[KCitons]

Maybe the wife should talk to a therapist to see why reacted the way she did to something as innocuous as her husband coming in from the cold and having one hot chocolate and Baileys.

A simple.."Thanks for shoveling honey..that will warm you up and taste good"   Situation defused instantly.

I don't disagree with this. Would you then suggest that the OP not arrive home today with a 12 pack under his arm? There are steps to making this better, or much worse. Doing exactly what you've been doing an expecting a different response is not going to solve it.

 

[KCitons]

Now I have a question for you.  What if tomorrow your wife woke up and told you to get rid of all your guns and you could never own or fire one ever again.  You have a right to guns.  You're a responsible gun owner.  But wife says "no mas".

You giving them all up for her? 

Yes. We would have a discussion as to why she feels it's important. But, ultimately, if it was a deal breaker for her I would.

I can't think of a single thing I have or do that gives me more happiness than being with her. I understand I may be the exception and not the rule. People (her specifically) are 100x better than any material thing. 

 

[KCitons]

Oh, I do.  We have the right to the pursuit of happiness in this country. If my pursuit of happiness is an occasional drink on a weeknight - legal in every state - and my wife is trying to deny me my right, then she is in the wrong, clearly.  Sounds like you would stay with a woman who denies you your rights.  I would not.  Give me liberty or give me divorce.  

What if it was your kid? Let's say 8-10 years old. They asked you to not drink because they didn't think it was good for you. I'm sure you would have a discussion about the truth, but they didn't like to see you drink. Would you stop then? 

You can't divorce the kid. (at least not after it's born)

 

[SWC]

brohan i have a fridge in my garage so that i can grab one on my way inside when i get home from work and i work six days a week in a nutshell your wife would not like the old swcer take that to the bank bromigo

 

[General Malaise]

What if it was your kid? Let's say 8-10 years old. They asked you to not drink because they didn't think it was good for you. I'm sure you would have a discussion about the truth, but they didn't like to see you drink. Would you stop then? 

You can't divorce the kid. (at least not after it's born)

Uh, no. I'm not changing legal, healthy consumption of alcohol based on the whims of an 8 year old.  If I let my 8 year old make decisions, donuts would be on the menu every night for dinner. 

 

[NotSmart]

brohan i have a fridge in my garage so that i can grab one on my way inside when i get home from work and i work six days a week in a nutshell your wife would not like the old swcer take that to the bank bromigo

I don't see how his wife wouldn't like the Ol' SWC'er... she'd love you just for the way you talk. 

Unless you called her Brohan too... maybe Wifehan would be better.

 

[General Malaise]

Yes. We would have a discussion as to why she feels it's important. But, ultimately, if it was a deal breaker for her I would.

I can't think of a single thing I have or do that gives me more happiness than being with her. I understand I may be the exception and not the rule. People (her specifically) are 100x better than any material thing. 

But you would have a problem is the US Government asked you to do the same? 

 

[KCitons]

Uh, no. I'm not changing legal, healthy consumption of alcohol based on the whims of an 8 year old.  If I let my 8 year old make decisions, donuts would be on the menu every night for dinner. 

Thanks for the honest answer. 

 

[KCitons]

But you would have a problem is the US Government asked you to do the same? 

Yes. My relationship with the US Government is different from my wife's. I wouldn't give them my kidney either. 

 

[General Malaise]

Thanks for the honest answer. 

I just don't think 8 year olds should be telling their parents what to do.  Again, this assumes a level of drinking on the level of the OP which is de minimis.

 

[General Malaise]

Yes. My relationship with the US Government is different from my wife's. I wouldn't give them my kidney either. 

I wouldn't give your wife a kidney either.

 

[KCitons]

I just don't think 8 year olds should be telling their parents what to do.  Again, this assumes a level of drinking on the level of the OP which is de minimis.

The level doesn't really factor in. The way it makes you child feel is what matters. That was the point I was making. If each time they saw you drinking, no matter how small the amount, it gave them a negative feeling, I would have to think pretty seriously about not drinking in front of them.

 

[General Malaise]

The level doesn't really factor in. The way it makes you child feel is what matters. That was the point I was making. If each time they saw you drinking, no matter how small the amount, it gave them a negative feeling, I would have to think pretty seriously about not drinking in front of them.

I could probably wait until bedtime to have a cocktail. 

 

[BigJim®]

Minnesota is a weird state with a mix of dry counties where drinking is taboo and old moon shining counties where a beer is handed to a kid before they can walk (only slight exaggeration). My wife came from the latter. You definitely have a drinking problem, but it's not alcoholism. 

 

[Dan Lambskin]

What if your wife wanted you to stop drinking coffee ?

eating salt?

Watching the news?

 

[Steeler]

Doing exactly what you've been doing an expecting a different response is not going to solve it

Are you missing the fact that the OP rarely drinks and that she has never hand a problem with his drinking before?  He is doing what he's always done and expecting the same result.  She has changed that dynamic with the recent blowup.  A conversation about it is warranted, but there is no need for marital brinksmanship about one drink on a random Thursday night.

 

[Alex P Keaton]

Are you missing the fact that the OP rarely drinks and that she has never hand a problem with his drinking before?  He is doing what he's always done and expecting the same result.  She has changed that dynamic with the recent blowup.  A conversation about it is warranted, but there is no need for marital brinksmanship about one drink on a random Thursday night.

She's never TOLD him that she has a problem with it before.  That doesn't mean she's never actually had a problem with it before. 

 

[Steeler]

She's never TOLD him that she has a problem with it before.  That doesn't mean she's never actually had a problem with it before. 

So now you are sayimg he should have read his wife's mind?  A conversation will uncover why she blew up, but its a big stretch to assume his level of drinking has bothered her and she NEVER mentioned it before.  It's much more likely that something was bothering her and she took the "drink during the week" opportunity to vent.

 

[Alex P Keaton]

So now you are sayimg he should have read his wife's mind?  A conversation will uncover why she blew up, but its a big stretch to assume his level of drinking has bothered her and she NEVER mentioned it before.  It's much more likely that something was bothering her and she took the "drink during the week" opportunity to vent.

I'm not saying he SHOULD do anything.   His wife sounds bat #### crazy.   But then again, most women I know could be described that way.

 

[ghostguy123]

This is an interesting comment. I believe it was made by someone else as well. If there are things that are a problem with your wife, you would expect changes from her to offset the changes you are making? If those things bothered you before, why haven't you discussed them with her? Are they insignificant? Are you just looking to make them a bigger deal now because you believe her request is insignificant?

Gotta give something to get something.  Seems simple enough.

 

[ghostguy123]

Yes. We would have a discussion as to why she feels it's important. But, ultimately, if it was a deal breaker for her I would.

I can't think of a single thing I have or do that gives me more happiness than being with her. I understand I may be the exception and not the rule. People (her specifically) are 100x better than any material thing. 

Say that after she makes you give up everything you like with no legit rationale behind it.  

 

[ghostguy123]

What if it was your kid? Let's say 8-10 years old. They asked you to not drink because they didn't think it was good for you. I'm sure you would have a discussion about the truth, but they didn't like to see you drink. Would you stop then? 

You can't divorce the kid. (at least not after it's born)

Really??

 

[ghostguy123]

I just don't think 8 year olds should be telling their parents what to do.  Again, this assumes a level of drinking on the level of the OP which is de minimis.

Seems like it could be a great educational opportunity.  Here is how an adult drinks responsibly, and when you are 21 we can have a drink together.