Phil Elliott
Footballguy
They aren't making 12" rulers any longer.
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Need a funny, clean joke - whatchagot? (1 Viewer)
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jm192
Footballguy
Bear walks into a bar. Bar tender asks what he can get him.
Bear says "a scotch and...."
After about for or five seconds, the bear finishes "soda."
Bar tender laughs, and says why the big pause?
Bear looks at his hands, shrugs, and says "I dunno, I was born with 'em"
Bear says "a scotch and...."
After about for or five seconds, the bear finishes "soda."
Bar tender laughs, and says why the big pause?
Bear looks at his hands, shrugs, and says "I dunno, I was born with 'em"
Last edited:
Phil Elliott
Footballguy
At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.” “Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”
Galileo
Footballguy
The ruler is the king of all school supplies!
Dr. Octopus
Footballguy
“Last edited by a moderator…”
The General
Footballguy
“Last edited by a moderator…”
I don’t remember the original.
NutterButter
Footballguy
Season applicable
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
grateful zed
Footballguy
did you hear the one about the dyslexic policeman?
he pulled a drunk lady over and gave her an I.U.D.
he pulled a drunk lady over and gave her an I.U.D.
dmac37
Footballguy
The bartender says, "We don't your kind in here."
"Huh?" asks the string.
"I said we don't serve strings in here."
The string walks back outside. Thinking quickly, he ties himself in a knot, messes up his hair a bit, and walks back into the bar.
"Hey," says the bartender, "Aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?"
"No sir, I'm a frayed knot."
FiredMartz
Footballguy
What do You call a selfie of an orphan?
Family portrait
Family portrait
grateful zed
Footballguy
did you hear they outlawed round bales of hay?
the cows weren't getting a square meal.
the cows weren't getting a square meal.
grateful zed
Footballguy
have you heard of a 'reverse exorcism'?
its when the devil tells the priest to get out of the child's body.
its when the devil tells the priest to get out of the child's body.
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
The teacher called Little Timmy to her desk. She said: “This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is exactly the same essay your brother wrote.”
“Of course it is.” said Timmy. “It’s the same dog".
“Of course it is.” said Timmy. “It’s the same dog".
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.
skol asylum
Footballguy
Might have posted this before, if so apologies...
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Yvette Getty (@yvegetty) 's videos with original sound - Yvette Getty | TikTok
461.1K Likes, 14.9K Comments. TikTok video from Yvette Getty (@yvegetty). original sound - Yvette Getty.
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Phil Elliott
Footballguy
I bought a sweater but it was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Man In The Box
Footballguy
The Pope asked his chauffeur driver if he could drive the limo since he never gets to drive anymore.
Well, the chauffeur driver couldn't say no to the Pope, so he lets him drive.
Well the Pope starts flying down the road and eventually gets pulled over.
Cop has him roll down the window, and recognizes the Pope and says “wait here a minute.”
Calls his Captain and says "Hey, I pulled over someone REALLY important! What should I do??"
Captain says, "Well, is it our congressman?"
..."No".
"Well, is it the Governor?"
…"No"
"Well, WHO IS IT? THE PRESIDENT??"
"Well Captain, I’m not entirely sure who he is but THE POPE IS HIS CHAUFFEUR!"
Well, the chauffeur driver couldn't say no to the Pope, so he lets him drive.
Well the Pope starts flying down the road and eventually gets pulled over.
Cop has him roll down the window, and recognizes the Pope and says “wait here a minute.”
Calls his Captain and says "Hey, I pulled over someone REALLY important! What should I do??"
Captain says, "Well, is it our congressman?"
..."No".
"Well, is it the Governor?"
…"No"
"Well, WHO IS IT? THE PRESIDENT??"
"Well Captain, I’m not entirely sure who he is but THE POPE IS HIS CHAUFFEUR!"
TennesseeJed
Footballguy
Jesus was walking around Heaven one day, In a small secluded garden, He saw an old man, crying. Alarmed, Jesus ran up to him and said, “Hey, now, what’s all this? This is paradise, There should be no tears or sorrow.”
The old man wiped away his tears and said, “Oh, I know. I’m sorry. But… well, many years ago, a son came to me through… well, let’s say ‘mysterious circumstances’. After many trials he went through a miraculous transformation, and a book was written about him that became known the world over. I thought I would find him here, but I haven’t. I’m afraid I’ll never see him again.”
Wide-eyed, Jesus looked at the man and said, “Wait a minute… You weren’t, by any chance… a carpenter, were you?”
The man looked up in surprise. “Why, yes. Yes, I was!”
Jesus burst into tears of joy and held out His arms saying, “Father!”
The man cocked his head doubtfully and said, “Pinocchio???”
The old man wiped away his tears and said, “Oh, I know. I’m sorry. But… well, many years ago, a son came to me through… well, let’s say ‘mysterious circumstances’. After many trials he went through a miraculous transformation, and a book was written about him that became known the world over. I thought I would find him here, but I haven’t. I’m afraid I’ll never see him again.”
Wide-eyed, Jesus looked at the man and said, “Wait a minute… You weren’t, by any chance… a carpenter, were you?”
The man looked up in surprise. “Why, yes. Yes, I was!”
Jesus burst into tears of joy and held out His arms saying, “Father!”
The man cocked his head doubtfully and said, “Pinocchio???”
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
70% of the earth is water and almost none of it is carbonated. So the earth really is flat.
Kanil
Footballguy
The Pope was on a visit to a coastal town and decided to take a walk along the beach. He was enjoying the sun when he noticed a commotion in the water. A man in a Raiders jersey was struggling frantically, about to be attacked by a large shark.
Just then, a small fishing boat zipped over. Three fishermen in Broncos jerseys quickly harpooned the shark, pulled the man to safety, and hauled the massive creature into their boat.
Deeply moved, the Pope called them over. "I want to thank you for your heroic actions," he said. "I'd heard there was a lot of hatred between Broncos and Raiders fans, but you showed great compassion. For your kindness, I grant you all special blessings."
As the Pope drove off in his popemobile, one of the fishermen turned to the others and asked, "Who was that guy?"
"That was the Pope," the second one replied. "He's basically the most knowledgeable person on Earth; he can talk to God and everything."
The first fisherman paused for a moment, then said, "Well, he might be all that, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?"
Just then, a small fishing boat zipped over. Three fishermen in Broncos jerseys quickly harpooned the shark, pulled the man to safety, and hauled the massive creature into their boat.
Deeply moved, the Pope called them over. "I want to thank you for your heroic actions," he said. "I'd heard there was a lot of hatred between Broncos and Raiders fans, but you showed great compassion. For your kindness, I grant you all special blessings."
As the Pope drove off in his popemobile, one of the fishermen turned to the others and asked, "Who was that guy?"
"That was the Pope," the second one replied. "He's basically the most knowledgeable person on Earth; he can talk to God and everything."
The first fisherman paused for a moment, then said, "Well, he might be all that, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?"
El Floppo
Footballguy
The last part made it all sing
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