Heaven (2002) - I had never used a library for movies before, but there's one nearby my new home & i noticed it had a bunch of DVDs so i started borrowing them. I'm through all the good, easy films - now i'm onto the ones ive seen, the "yeah, maybes", and the foreign & important films. Saw one called "Heaven" that was directed by Tom Tykwer, produced by Pollack & Minghella and starred Cate Blanchett. Hmmm, why have i never heard of this? I forgot the reason why you never hear about movies you should.
This may be the worst movie i ever sat all the way thru. It was written by the Polish Red-White-Blue guy before he died, so i kept watching past bunches of poor-plottings & found circumstances & awkward, disconnected scenes in hopes of a payoff down the line. bupkes, nada, niente. To illustrate how little there was for me, i am going to make an equivalent Heaven for you in this post:
Producers Pollack & Minghella, find me a public transit terminal, make it look like Dubuque and put a stack of Venetian blinds, a narcotized wolverine and a zamboni in there. Director Tykwer, you can only shoot scenes either lying on the floor directly under the action or from the farthest point in the terminal from what's going on. Miss Blanchett, Mr Ribisi, shave your heads (ed: they actually do) and put on these white t-shirts because we are going to project ice-dancing highlights and birthing videos on them. Now Miss Blanchett, you do simple algebra with the wolverine while sitting on the blinds but dont let him see your work, Mr Ribisi....wait for it...ok, now pour that maple syrup in the path you imagine the zamboni taking while making motorboat sounds. Now go to the far corner - you're too close Mr Tykwer! - remove your clothing and stand 27 inches apart holding bonzai trees over your head. Send in the cleaning ladies asking directions in several languages and tip over the helicopter simulator! Cut, print. 1,844,700/5