What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Shtick You Use in Real Life (1 Viewer)

Shaft41 said:
This doesn't work more than a couple of times, but when my kids were younger and were leaving their crap all over the house, if I was ever walking down the stairs and they had left something on them, even something tiny like a Barbie shirt, I would loudly fall down the last couple of stairs and lie in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs, howling in pain, holding my leg.  When they'd come running to see what was wrong, I angrily say through clenched teeth that I tripped over whatever was on the stairs and fell and now I'm afraid I've broken my leg.  I gamely try to get up but find I couldn't put any weight on the leg.  First time I did this, I kept it up for 15 minutes or so, and my wife played along and was ready to call the ambulance before I ended it and told the kid to pick up their stuff in the future.  

After a few times, trying to vary it with a hurt arm, elbow, toe, eyebrow, etc., the kids would know as I was faking, but it did help get them to pick up their stuff.  
Click to expand...
This is similar to the schtick my dad did when I was little.

One time he bumped his toe on a rocking chair.  He picked the chair up and threw it out the front door and into the yard.

Another time - our sink in the kitchen was kind of by itself. It was a sink in the sink cabinet with a small counter top for washing dishes.  (really old house). Anyway he bumped his hip on the corner of the cabinet and ripped the entire thing off the wall.

Good times.....

All this time I just thought he had a short temper.  

 
My latest schtick is to rage while playing video games.  I have actually raged a time or two when playing with my kids, but I've settled down a bit and realized that's a little silly.  They have grown to enjoy teasing me about my past transgressions so I try to find a reason to rage.  We play NBA2K all the time, and I usually beat them.  If I miss an open three, I'll toss my controller in disgust.  If they make a layup over a taller player, I'll rant about how that is not remotely possible.  My catch all for weird stuff happening is "this game is broken."  I'll go on and on depending on mood about how I hope they "enjoy beating me in an obviously broken game.  Kudos on figuring out the glitches and enjoy the victory.  Hopefully that gets patched before we play again so we can game on an even playing field."

We have two TVs in the same room, so if one of them is playing on the other, I'll have my headset on to play COD or something.  I'll have one sided conversations with people I am playing against fake raging on them (my mic is on mute so no one actually hears me).  "I wished I lived in my moms basement too so I had the time to set up a moded controller!"  "Ask your mom if you can play again and see if you can beat me twice in a row!"  Stuff like that.

It's quite therapeutic actually.

 
Offspring:  "Hey!!!" 

Me:  "Hay's for horses."

===============================

Me:  "Hey!!!"

Offspring:  "Hay's for horses."

Me:  "...and cows like you!!!"

 
One of my kids tells me they're going out with friends, movies, food, whatever .... and asks me for $20.

My response... "Ten dollars?! What are you going to do with five dollars?"

 
belljr said:
This is similar to the schtick my dad did when I was little.

One time he bumped his toe on a rocking chair.  He picked the chair up and threw it out the front door and into the yard.

Another time - our sink in the kitchen was kind of by itself. It was a sink in the sink cabinet with a small counter top for washing dishes.  (really old house). Anyway he bumped his hip on the corner of the cabinet and ripped the entire thing off the wall.

Good times.....

All this time I just thought he had a short temper.  
Click to expand...
Reminds me of a story my dad told me about my grandma when he was a kid. He and his siblings were arguing about who had to wash the dishes so she just broke all of them and threw them in the garbage can outside. Never realized grandma was so funny until now.

 
E-Z Glider said:
This is good. :thumbup:

Another game I like to play.... whenever my wife has lost something and asks for my help to find it, I'll walk around the house looking and randomly yell out "HERE IT ISN'T"... she still falls for it.  :lmao:
Click to expand...
I really want to put this into practice, but it is going to be hard to break the "it wasn't my day to watch it" gut reaction I've been either hearing or saying my entire life.

 
Bull Dozier said:
E-Z Glider said:
This is good. :thumbup:

Another game I like to play.... whenever my wife has lost something and asks for my help to find it, I'll walk around the house looking and randomly yell out "HERE IT ISN'T"... she still falls for it.  :lmao:
Click to expand...
I really want to put this into practice, but it is going to be hard to break the "it wasn't my day to watch it" gut reaction I've been either hearing or saying my entire life.
Click to expand...


I'm going to continue "if it were up your butt you'd know".  But I might mix this in.

 
dude in my old building used to go bar hopping in scrubs - got himself full hospital gear, and used to pop in jernts in the wee hours, saying he "just did a 36 hour ER stint"

he was an accountant  :lmao:

 
Got a new one just this morning. Wife is out of town, so I'm there to get the kids to school.

7 year old daughter complains she has nothing to wear, so I send her down to her laundry basket. She comes up with a pair of jeans and says:

"This is the only pair I have, and they have holes in them."

So immediately I start to sing:

"Holy Jeans. Holy Jeans. Jesus really likes them Holy Jeans" 

She starts laughing, but after I sang this about 48 times she finally told me to stop.

So from here on out, anytime a kid mentions something about holes in their clothes......watch out.......

 
I've used the "Joe Mama" so often that whenever I ask, "where's Joe?" my 7yo son just replies with "upstairs".

 
I say "We'll see" to just about anything my wife says / plans decision wise, even if it's not really a debatable issue.  Drives her crazy. :lol:

 
Last edited by a moderator:
I intentionally take the losing side of arguments with my kids, just to put them through the trouble of proving me wrong. Example:

Me: "What's that you're drinking?"

son: "Bolthouse Farms coffee smoothie."

Me: "You mean "Boathouse" Farms"

son: "no - it's Bolthouse"

me: "Um, no, there's no such thing as a "bolthouse", that's a stupid name for a company, it's "Boathouse" "

Son gets increasing agitated, finally runs upstairs and gets the bottle from fridge, comes back downstairs and sticks it in my face..."B-O-L-T House!"

me: "no #### dummy, now go put that bottle back in the fridge."

 
Punxsutawney Phil said:
I say "We'll see" to just about anything my wife says / plans decision wise, even if it's not really a debatable issue.  Drives her crazy. :lol:
Click to expand...
That used to be my response at work to, "Have a nice weekend, see you on Monday."  *Shrug* "We'll see."

 
Punxsutawney Phil said:
I use "my idea schtick" on my wife quite often.  She will say something like "call your mom and see if she can watch the kid" and I will say "hold on I'm calling my mom I need to see if he can watch the kid"

Basically, everything the person says, immediately after say it like you thought of it or were going to do it anyways.  You can also ask them to do something they already did or are in the process of doing.  Like if they are handing you something to throw away, you grab it and say "let me throw this away for you".
Click to expand...
Started doing this one this week.  Wife has not caught on yet.  It's getting harder and harder not to laugh when doing it.

 
KanilJr (7yo) bought his first pack of Pokémon cards with the birthday money GrandpaKanil gave him.  I've been completely mispronouncing it as "Poke-ee-man" and then when he corrects me incredulously, I apologize and tell him it's because I'm old.  Probably done it 45 times in the last week and he has yet to catch on.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
dickey moe said:
Whenever I'm in the theater for a highly anticipated horror movie, I like to wait until the lights turn down, the theater gets quiet, and then rip the most bodacious fart humanly possible. 
Click to expand...
At any movie in the cinema, as soon as the first scene of the first preview starts I loudly announce, "OOOHHHHH, this looks GOOOD!".  As of today, my wife and son hate me.  My friends snort laugh through the green "approved for all audiences" screen in anticipation and then guffaw at the payoff.  I'm pretty popular.

 
facook said:
At any movie in the cinema, as soon as the first scene of the first preview starts I loudly announce, "OOOHHHHH, this looks GOOOD!".  As of today, my wife and son hate me.  My friends snort laugh through the green "approved for all audiences" screen in anticipation and then guffaw at the payoff.  I'm pretty popular.
Click to expand...
:lmao:  

i love movie preview shtick. Years ago I was in a theater and the preview for Hellboy started.  10 seconds in I yell, “whaaaat the fuuuuuck?”   

 
Bruce Dickinson said:
My 15-year-old and I are constantly trying to set ourselves up for Airplane! shtick. 
"Ice cream?"  "Yes, I know."  
"Can I ask you a question?"  "What is it?" "An interrogative statement used to test or obtain knowledge, but that's not important right now."

It's tough to play offense and defense at the same time in this game.   But it's worth it.

She's been watching Psych lately.  So any mispronounced word or misplaced fact usually gets a Shawn Spencer "I've heard it both ways".  

Ever since she watched "The Princess Bride" for the first time a few years ago, she fills out "Hello My Name Is" stickers with
"Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.*  
*prepare to die."
Click to expand...
Me and my boys and occasionally the wife, throw in Brian Reagan lines and expressions. If we are on a road trip, it happens constantly. Also use Nacho Libre and Napoleon Dynamite lines. 

 
When your kids get old enough and they stay in the car by themselves while you run in the store or something, hit the car alarm on your keychain when you get near the store. 

The first time I did it to my boys they completely panicked. The second and third time, they just ignored it. 

When my boys were 6ish and 4ish they set up a “trap”. A box, with a stick and a string. They got bored and left it “set” and when I got home from work I noticed it out in the yard.

I got one of their more realistic stuffed animals and put it under the box and lowered it down. At supper, I looked out the window and said, “what’s the box in the yard for?” Wife said, “the boys were trying to trap a bunny” I replied, “huh, the box is down.” Both of my boys eyes popped up and looked at me. I said, “I think you got something boys, let’s go check it out” Neither of them wanted to check but I finally got the older one to peak under the box while I lifted it. When he saw the fur, he freaked!  I did the whole reach under the box and act like the animal was attacking my hand and then threw the animal at them. They are  21 and 19 now and they are still a little salty over that one. 

 
Beef Ravioli said:
Me and my boys and occasionally the wife, throw in Brian Reagan lines and expressions. If we are on a road trip, it happens constantly. Also use Nacho Libre and Napoleon Dynamite lines. 
Click to expand...
Any question about any unit of measurement....girth units.

"How far is it to ______?"   "7....girth...units..."

"How tall IS your son now, anyway?"  "About 5.....girth...units...."

 
Lately my wife has started using a line from Dumb and Dumber if there is any list stated, positive or negative.  We were in a meeting last night and the lady chairing the meeting was talking about how "Attendance has increased X%, donations have increased X%, we are seeing a larger presence on social media...." and my wife says under her breath "Our pets' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF...."  :lmao:   Gets me every time.

 
Kanil said:
KanilJr (7yo) bought his first pack of Pokémon cards with the birthday money GrandpaKanil gave him.  I've been completely mispronouncing it as "Poke-ee-man" and then when he corrects me incredulously, I apologize and tell him it's because I'm old.  Probably done it 45 times in the last week and he has yet to catch on.
Click to expand...
Pokey Man :lmao:

Now I wish I still had a kid to bust this one out on.

I'll still try it on my grown up daughter since I think she till plays Pokemon Go - but I think my window of opportunity is past.

 
Kanil said:
KanilJr (7yo) bought his first pack of Pokémon cards with the birthday money GrandpaKanil gave him.  I've been completely mispronouncing it as "Poke-ee-man" and then when he corrects me incredulously, I apologize and tell him it's because I'm old.  Probably done it 45 times in the last week and he has yet to catch on.
Click to expand...
I have said "The yellow one is named Steve", in a very knowing voice, more times than I can count.

 
I went to pick up my 15 y/o son and his buddy from lax practice on Saturday. When practice was over my son hustled off the field and got in the car but the other kid was dicking around on the field for five minutes or so while we waited for him. I asked my son what Brendan was doing, he said I don't know but when he gets to the car pretend you're pissed. So we quickly hatched a story that I was already late getting home to drive my daughter to her lacrosse game, and this 5 minutes spent waiting for Brendan was a huge deal. FYI, Brendan is a ball buster, the kid who rode me mercilessly for months when he believed the story that I used to be a cheerleader at BC.

To kick things off, as he was finally walking toward the car, I laid on the horn which prompted him to start jogging. Then as soon as he got into the car and closed the door I didn't say a word, but absolutely gunned it out of the parking lot. Awkward silence. Then my son says "Brendan...what took you so long?" and he answered in a very nervous tone "I was helping pick up the balls." Then my phone rings, and I see that it's my son, and he shoots me a glance. I answered and proceeded to have a phony phone conversation with my daughter, apologizing for being late, telling her to calm down and that if the coach tries to bench her for being late I'll talk to him..."stop crying sweetheart, I'll be right home." I can see my son in the passenger seat out of the corner of my eye convulsing trying not to laugh, and in the rearview mirror Brendan in the back seat staring aimlessly out the window, wishing he was anywhere else but stuck in the car with me. Mostly uncomfortable silence for the rest of the 10 minute ride, interspersed with my son asking me questions about how upset his sister was, how late I'm going to be, me slapping the steering wheel in frustration, etc. Finally dropped him off, didn't say a word, and gunned it out of his driveway. My son texted him a few minutes later to tell him it was a ruse, "tell your dad he's an ###hole" was his response. :lmao:

It was some solid, spontaneous father/son shtick.

 
Whenever my students ask me if I've seen a movie I pull this:

"Mr. McJose, are you going to see 'Infinity War'?"

"What's it rated?"

"Umm..PG-13."

"I can't.  My wife won't let me see anything over PG."

It's pretty hilarious how many of them aren't sure if I'm serious or not.

 
On the "have you seen the movie _______" I go with this. 

"Have I seen Star Wars? Space adventure with Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbaca, Princess Leia and Darth Vader that came out in 1977 and put space movies on the map? Never heard of it."

 
My daughter has been playing a song from "The Lion King" as part of her piano lessons lately, so I decided to incorporate it into my shtick.

Anytime one of my kids comes up to me and says "Dad, can you...", before they can even finish the rest of their request, I start belting out at the top of my lungs "CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT?" in my most soaring, Eltonesque voice. 

Pretty sure last night my 15 year old strained her eyeballs, she rolled them so hard.    

 
facook said:
Lately my wife has started using a line from Dumb and Dumber if there is any list stated, positive or negative.  We were in a meeting last night and the lady chairing the meeting was talking about how "Attendance has increased X%, donations have increased X%, we are seeing a larger presence on social media...." and my wife says under her breath "Our pets' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF...."  :lmao:   Gets me every time.
Click to expand...
Great movie to pull lines from and this line specifically is gold.

I personally love saying "Maaaan, you are one pathetic loser" as often as I can. 

 
Waingro said:
Great movie to pull lines from and this line specifically is gold.

I personally love saying "Maaaan, you are one pathetic loser" as often as I can. 
Click to expand...
So for work we have to wear our id's  above our waist (meaning no clipping on belt) so everyone pretty much has a lanyard or clips on shirt.

I use the "it's ok I'm a limo driver" regularly  

 
Last edited by a moderator:
I use the “How I Met Your Mother” General/Major/Private schtick.  

“It’s just a general rule.”

[salute] “General rule.”

 
When I see someone in the work bathroom brushing their teeth I'll sometimes deadpan "hey, can I use that when you're done?".

Responses vary from "what the ####?" to "um...sure". Great way to tell who your friends are.

 
When I used to work at a marketing firm we would have meetings once in awhile. I'd walk in, and all the millenials would have their faces buried in their phones.

I'd stride in yelling "Nerd Alert. Nerd Alert. Nerd Alert"

 
Nigel said:
When I see someone in the work bathroom brushing their teeth I'll sometimes deadpan "hey, can I use that when you're done?".

Responses vary from "what the ####?" to "um...sure". Great way to tell who your friends are.
Click to expand...
I do this when I see others using chapstick.

I'll sometimes also throw in a "my lips hurt real bad"  #NapoleonDynomite

 
Last edited by a moderator:
One I have used for years is the old Spaulding. Whenever I have a cookout with friends and we are grilling steak, at the end of the meal I'll always lean over to our guests and say:

"Are you gonna eat your fat?"

 
Forgot to bring up food ones.  I constantly pretend I put stuff my kid doesn't like in his dinner.

Me: Here you go, bro.  One chicken, rice and BEAN burrito

KanilJr: :(  I don't like beans!!

Me: You liked them last week!

KanilJr: :rant:

Me: :lmao:

Or if he sees me eating something and asks what it is I'll make up something completely outlandish.

KanilJr: What kind of sandwich is that?

Me: Turkey neck, pinto beans, chocolate sauce, and pickles.  Want to try it?

KanilJr: NO, GROSS

Me: But it's got chocolate sauce on it, you love chocolate sauce

KanilJr: *barfing sounds*

 
Keerock said:
Me: Where do you want to go eat?

Son: I don't care...

Me: Liver Shack it is!
Click to expand...
I do this all the time with my wife. I'll make up some restaurant that doesn't exist.

Me: Where do you want to go to eat?

Her: I don't care.

Me: OK, what type of food do you want?

Her: I don't care. Whatever you want.

Me: OK. How about Sasha Noche? They just opened downtown and it's a Mediterranean/American fusion place. Has tons of great reviews.

Her: That sounds.....wait....is this one of your made-up places again?

Me:  :lmao:

 
Used to do this to my sister when I'd come back from college, and now I do it to my wife and daughters occasionally.

I have keys to all their cars. So if I know where they are (High School parking lot, Target, Kroger) and I'm close I move their car to the other side of the parking lot, sometimes in a parking lot adjacent to the store they are at.  First time I got a panicked phone call about the car being stolen.  Now I just get the txt:  Where my car #######?

I'm a ####.

 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

General Malaise
Can you remember a time in your life when you were totally free of stress? - White Lotus Inspired
2 3
Replies
120
Views
3K
General Malaise
General Malaise
tommyGunZ
Podcasts: What are you listening to?
Replies
15
Views
660
thecatch
T
the moops
What's a typical weekday for you?
2
Replies
85
Views
3K
MAC_32
MAC_32

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 1 (members: 0, guests: 1)
Back
Top