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Shtick You Use in Real Life (7 Viewers)

Kanil said:
Forgot to bring up food ones.  I constantly pretend I put stuff my kid doesn't like in his dinner.

Me: Here you go, bro.  One chicken, rice and BEAN burrito

KanilJr: :(  I don't like beans!!

Me: You liked them last week!

KanilJr: :rant:

Me: :lmao:

Or if he sees me eating something and asks what it is I'll make up something completely outlandish.

KanilJr: What kind of sandwich is that?

Me: Turkey neck, pinto beans, chocolate sauce, and pickles.  Want to try it?

KanilJr: NO, GROSS

Me: But it's got chocolate sauce on it, you love chocolate sauce

KanilJr: *barfing sounds*
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:)  This reminded me of my favorite waiter at the Mexican restaurant in my office complex.  When he brings your Coke and sets in on the table he will always say in his thick Mexican accent, "Iced Teeeaaaa....."  I laugh every time when someone starts to correct him on what they order and then realizes it's already correct (he got me a bunch when I first started going there.)

 
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This one played out last night:

KanilJr (7yo): Dad, who is the best player on the Rockies?

Me: It would be me if I was still playing for them.

KanilJr: You played for the Rockies?

Me: Yeah, I decided to stop playing when you were born.  I didn't want to be away from you for half the year.  Took a job in IT instead so I could spend time with you.

KanilJr: Really?

Me: Yup

KanilJr: *Looks skeptical and runs into the next room*  Mom, can you ask Google if dad ever played for the Rockies?

 
I just read this entire thread today. Such good ideas. Many of your posts reminded me of some of the shtick I use but I’m drawing a blank right now except for this one:

There is a dam we pass just infrequent enough that this works every time... I point and scream “DAAAAYUM!” as if I just witnessed a plane crash. 

Oh and I’m changing the kids Netflix names tonight. 

 
Our house has an addition attached to the side but the original owners left the doorbell in place. Every couple of months I or the wife will hit the second doorbell to freak out the dog and the kids. The kids are older and figure it out quickly now but not fast enough that they don’t still look outside/check the door.

The kids have started doing it but the best part of that is that the second doorbell has a barely noticeable,but different ring, so they get angry that I never fall for the trick. 

 
Won’t work for you guys but:

So my cousin’s name is Joseph (Joe) King. Any time anyone in our house says “I’m joking”, they get a response like “no you’re not” or “You look nothing like him!”.

The kids now use it all the time. 

 
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I cut the smart phone in 2016 and used a flip for the year.  It was a challenge but definitely an interesting experiment.  I still carry it around for emergency situations or when I want to f with a girl.  Chat em up and then ask for their number.  Instead of giving them your iPhone to input their info, hand them the ancient flip.  The look on their face is priceless.  Works better on younger birds.  

 
Major said:
I cut the smart phone in 2016 and used a flip for the year.  It was a challenge but definitely an interesting experiment.  I still carry it around for emergency situations or when I want to f with a girl.  Chat em up and then ask for their number.  Instead of giving them your iPhone to input their info, hand them the ancient flip.  The look on their face is priceless.  Works better on younger birds.  
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Small chalkboard and chalk would be amazing shtick.

 
Good Posting Judge said:
Even better, produce a pen and say "just write your number on my arm", then pull up your sleeve to reveal dozens of phone numbers already on there, some with dudes' names.
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Sounds like a lotta work.  I also like asking for their email address if she's clearly into you.  She'll look a little confused and normally offer their number instead.  Follow it up with "Oh, I didn't want to seem too aggressive.  I'm kinda old fashioned".  

 
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Major said:
Sounds like a lotta work.  I also like asking for their email address if she's clearly into you.  She'll look a little confused and normally offer their number instead.  Follow it up with "Oh, I didn't want to seem too aggressive.  I'm kinda old fashioned".  
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Yeah as I was typing that out I realize that it kind of defeats the purpose of getting laid.

 
Major said:
Sounds like a lotta work.  I also like asking for their email address if she's clearly into you.  She'll look a little confused and normally offer their number instead.  Follow it up with "Oh, I didn't want to seem too aggressive.  I'm kinda old fashioned".  
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Ask for a fax number and then act put off when they tell you they don't have one. 

 
Beef Ravioli said:
When your kids get old enough and they stay in the car by themselves while you run in the store or something, hit the car alarm on your keychain when you get near the store. 

The first time I did it to my boys they completely panicked. The second and third time, they just ignored it. 

When my boys were 6ish and 4ish they set up a “trap”. A box, with a stick and a string. They got bored and left it “set” and when I got home from work I noticed it out in the yard.

I got one of their more realistic stuffed animals and put it under the box and lowered it down. At supper, I looked out the window and said, “what’s the box in the yard for?” Wife said, “the boys were trying to trap a bunny” I replied, “huh, the box is down.” Both of my boys eyes popped up and looked at me. I said, “I think you got something boys, let’s go check it out” Neither of them wanted to check but I finally got the older one to peak under the box while I lifted it. When he saw the fur, he freaked!  I did the whole reach under the box and act like the animal was attacking my hand and then threw the animal at them. They are  21 and 19 now and they are still a little salty over that one. 
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:lmao: awesome! 

 
My newest shtick is using Tanner aliases to mess with music snobs...

”Oh yeah, I saw them at a festival right before they broke out.  Must have been in 05 or 06 because Reg Llama was the headliner.  Pete Malloy had a terrific acoustic set.”

“I caught them the first time they came through town.  They opened for McJose.  I think we know who would headline that bill today, huh?”

 
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Taco Tuesday tonight, but I changed things  up and made taco pizza. My youngest wasn't a fan.. 

Him: "Daddy, this pizza doesn't taste very good. "

Me:" Oh, that's because I pooped on your piece before I cooked it. "

:oldunsure:

Him:" Daddy, did you really poop on my pizza? "

 
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MikeIke said:
Taco Tuesday tonight, but I changed things  up and made taco pizza. My youngest wasn't a fan.. 

Him: "Daddy, this pizza doesn't taste very good. "

Me:" Oh, that's because I pooped on your piece before I cooked it. "

:oldunsure:

Him:" Daddy, did you really poop on my pizza? "
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On the flip side Dentists kid

” Daddy. You forgot the poop on my pizza”!

 
Major said:
I cut the smart phone in 2016 and used a flip for the year.  It was a challenge but definitely an interesting experiment.  I still carry it around for emergency situations or when I want to f with a girl.  Chat em up and then ask for their number.  Instead of giving them your iPhone to input their info, hand them the ancient flip.  The look on their face is priceless.  Works better on younger birds.  
Click to expand...
What’re you? Ringo Starr?

 
I went to HS with a dude who fell off a chair, hit his head, got "amnesia", and then used that as a pretext to break up with his current gf to date another girl. A+ shtick. Guy even re-introduced himself to me after we sat next to each other for an entire year.

 
After dinner at a restaurant the server will ask “Do you want a box?” Reply with “Winner takes all?” or “3 minute rounds?”.

Total strangers appreciate my greatness, however my wife and kids do not. Losers.

 
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Major said:
I cut the smart phone in 2016 and used a flip for the year.  It was a challenge but definitely an interesting experiment.  I still carry it around for emergency situations or when I want to f with a girl.  Chat em up and then ask for their number.  Instead of giving them your iPhone to input their info, hand them the ancient flip.  The look on their face is priceless.  Works better on younger birds.  
Click to expand...
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:  

 
I blame Democrats for everything.

"Why did the power go out?"  "Democrats.  They don't want you to watch TV or play your XBox."

"Why can't I go outside to play?"  "Democrats.  They don't like kids to have so kids aren't allowed to play outside."

"Why can't I have pizza for dinner?"   "Democrats.  They don't like places like Chuck E. Cheese."

"Daddy, Democrats are stupid.  I definitely don't want to be one of them when I grow older."

Melts my heart!

 
trident said:
I blame Democrats for everything.

"Why did the power go out?"  "Democrats.  They don't want you to watch TV or play your XBox."

"Why can't I go outside to play?"  "Democrats.  They don't like kids to have so kids aren't allowed to play outside."

"Why can't I have pizza for dinner?"   "Democrats.  They don't like places like Chuck E. Cheese."

"Daddy, Democrats are stupid.  I definitely don't want to be one of them when I grow older."

Melts my heart!
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I don't blame Dems, just Obama.  

 
driving on a country road with a coworker, every time I saw a bale of hay I would scream and point at it "HAY!"   He almost drove off the road one time :lol:

 
trident said:
I blame Democrats for everything.

"Why did the power go out?"  "Democrats.  They don't want you to watch TV or play your XBox."

"Why can't I go outside to play?"  "Democrats.  They don't like kids to have so kids aren't allowed to play outside."

"Why can't I have pizza for dinner?"   "Democrats.  They don't like places like Chuck E. Cheese."

"Daddy, Democrats are stupid.  I definitely don't want to be one of them when I grow older."

Melts my heart!
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Raising your kid to be a ######## is the ultimate shtick. Well done.

 
Parrothead said:
driving on a country road with a coworker, every time I saw a bale of hay I would scream and point at it "HAY!"   He almost drove off the road one time :lol:
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Everytime my daughter starts a sentence with "Hey" = Me:  Hay is for horses.

She doesn't even blink an eye anymore, just continues the comment/question.

 
There's a super cute girl my son has gone to school with since K.  They played basketball together when they were young enough to be co-ed, and have been friendly forever.  Her name is Hadley.  Of course, whenever her name comes up I have to repeat it like this:

"Hadley"

They are in 7th grade at this point.  My wife has been doing it for quite a while now too.  He gets so mad.  It's the little things that give me joy, really.

 
Another one I remembered.  KanilJr is a metal head (blame grandma) and constantly wants to listen to heavy metal when we're in the car.  He'll ask for it to be played and I'll say "sure" and load up some Katie Perry or Brittney Spears.  When he complains I'll say sorry and switch it to Frank Sinatra.  After about 3 or 4 different changes, I'll switch it back to Katie Perry and act all confused when he says we already did that one.  Eventually we'll land on Metallica or some other metal band and when he says this is right I'll say, "Oh, you wanted heavy metal... why didn't you just say that?".

 
Kanil said:
Another one I remembered.  KanilJr is a metal head (blame grandma) and constantly wants to listen to heavy metal when we're in the car.  He'll ask for it to be played and I'll say "sure" and load up some Katie Perry or Brittney Spears.  When he complains I'll say sorry and switch it to Frank Sinatra.  After about 3 or 4 different changes, I'll switch it back to Katie Perry and act all confused when he says we already did that one.  Eventually we'll land on Metallica or some other metal band and when he says this is right I'll say, "Oh, you wanted heavy metal... why didn't you just say that?".
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Haha, I do the reverse where I say to my daughter "Hey, have you heard the new Taylor Swift?" and put on a Napalm Death song.

 
Oman... I'm going to do the "have you heard the new X" one tonight.

Edited to add:  I'll Rickroll him with it.

 
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Hov34 said:
Used to do this to my sister when I'd come back from college, and now I do it to my wife and daughters occasionally.

I have keys to all their cars. So if I know where they are (High School parking lot, Target, Kroger) and I'm close I move their car to the other side of the parking lot, sometimes in a parking lot adjacent to the store they are at.  First time I got a panicked phone call about the car being stolen.  Now I just get the txt:  Where my car #######?

I'm a ####.
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:blackdot:

 
STEADYMOBBIN 22 said:
Oh and I’m changing the kids Netflix names tonight. 
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I haven’t done it yet but I’ve picked out the 4 names I’m using (assuming they’ll fit):

- Is it me?

- Who am I?

- Mi llamo es...

- Feeling lucky?

 
AAABatteries said:
I haven’t done it yet but I’ve picked out the 4 names I’m using (assuming they’ll fit):

- Is it me?

- Who am I?

- Mi llamo es...

- Feeling lucky?
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I think I might use those spaces to leave notes I want the rest of the family to read, like "CleanYourRoom" , "DinnerWYourMomOnFriday" , "You'reMyFavorite" 

 
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