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Taking in a child from a troubled home NOV '23 UPDATE: Epilogue (1 Viewer)

Getzlaf15 said:
GL with all of this.

Have you talked to the boys yet about it?

 
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Ugh... Our hands were forced today. We weren't going to say anything to Padme or our boys until things had been ironed out legally, but the grandfather that Padme is living with forced our hand. Last night he told her that she was going to come live with us. My wife and I were very upset that he had broached the subject this early. We decided to tell the boys tonight, before they saw something on Facebook or got a message from Padme. 

To say they are excited would be an understatement. They can't wait until she comes to live with us. The only negative, in their minds, is that they will have to share a bedroom so that Padme can have her own room. 

We also talked to Padme tonight on Facebook video chat. I think she was very worried because I don't know how her grandpa broke the news to her last night. He may very well have been a Richard and said "we don't want you anymore, MikeIke is gonna take you." Needless to say, that is not how I wanted her to hear about it. 

My whole family spoke with her for almost an hour tonight, and I think we alleviated a lot of her fears. We told her that she is going to be part of our family.  She could choose to decorate her room how she wanted. She would be included in our yearly summer vacation to North Carolina. She would go with my wife to visit Grandma (wife's mom) every other Sunday. Basically,  all the family stuff we do, she would be doing with us.

Later, her grandma talked to my wife and said that after talking to us, Padme was no longer worried, and was actually excited about it. 

We're not sure about the timing yet. At first we were thinking she would come to our house in mid-January after all needed paperwork had been filled out. But now, we just want her here as soon as possible. I'd love to have her celebrate Christmas with us. 

Holy crap, this is actually going to happen. I'm going to have a 12 year old daughter.  

 
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Just caught this thread. Thanks, to you and your wife, for reaffirming my root belief that most people are noble and honorable and good.

I dont have any advice, or even good schtick, just good thoughts, prayers and well wishes. You just helped a little girl win the lottery at life.

And to reiterate the good advice in this thread, definitely get legal and professional help. The grandfather’s impulsive telling Padme about your plans, just underscores that it’s probably the family members that will be causing the most chaos on your journey. For your and your family’s sake, make sure that there are clear, explicit and legally enforceable boundaries set with them.

 
MikeIke said:
Ugh... Our hands were forced today. We weren't going to say anything to Padme or our boys until things had been ironed out legally, but the grandfather that Padme is living with forced our hand. Last night he told her that she was going to come live with us. My wife and I were very upset that he had broached the subject this early. We decided to tell the boys tonight, before they saw something on Facebook or got a message from Padme. 

To say they are excited would be an understatement. They can't wait until she comes to live with us. The only negative, in their minds, is that they will have to share a bedroom so that Padme can have her own room. 

We also talked to Padme tonight on Facebook video chat. I think she was very worried because I don't know how her grandpa broke the news to her last night. He may very well have been a Richard and said "we don't want you anymore, MikeIke is gonna take you." Needless to say, that is not how I wanted her to hear about it. 

My whole family spoke with her for almost an hour tonight, and I think we alleviated a lot of her fears. We told her that she is going to be part of our family.  She could choose to decorate her room how she wanted. She would be included in our yearly summer vacation to North Carolina. She would go with my wife to visit Grandma (wife's mom) every other Sunday. Basically,  all the family stuff we do, she would be doing with us.

Later, her grandma talked to my wife and said that after talking to us, Padme was no longer worried, and was actually excited about it. 

We're not sure about the timing yet. At first we were thinking she would come to our house in mid-January after all needed paperwork had been filled out. But now, we just want her here as soon as possible. I'd love to have her celebrate Christmas with us. 

Holy crap, this is actually going to happen. I'm going to have a 12 year old daughter.  
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Congrats!!!!!!!

 
MikeIke said:
Ugh... Our hands were forced today. We weren't going to say anything to Padme or our boys until things had been ironed out legally, but the grandfather that Padme is living with forced our hand. Last night he told her that she was going to come live with us. My wife and I were very upset that he had broached the subject this early. We decided to tell the boys tonight, before they saw something on Facebook or got a message from Padme. 

To say they are excited would be an understatement. They can't wait until she comes to live with us. The only negative, in their minds, is that they will have to share a bedroom so that Padme can have her own room. 

We also talked to Padme tonight on Facebook video chat. I think she was very worried because I don't know how her grandpa broke the news to her last night. He may very well have been a Richard and said "we don't want you anymore, MikeIke is gonna take you." Needless to say, that is not how I wanted her to hear about it. 

My whole family spoke with her for almost an hour tonight, and I think we alleviated a lot of her fears. We told her that she is going to be part of our family.  She could choose to decorate her room how she wanted. She would be included in our yearly summer vacation to North Carolina. She would go with my wife to visit Grandma (wife's mom) every other Sunday. Basically,  all the family stuff we do, she would be doing with us.

Later, her grandma talked to my wife and said that after talking to us, Padme was no longer worried, and was actually excited about it. 

We're not sure about the timing yet. At first we were thinking she would come to our house in mid-January after all needed paperwork had been filled out. But now, we just want her here as soon as possible. I'd love to have her celebrate Christmas with us. 

Holy crap, this is actually going to happen. I'm going to have a 12 year old daughter.  
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Whoa!  Crazy it moved that fast, but congrats!   

So is this guardianship or adoption?

Admit it - you’ve been watching This Is Us. 

 
Ned said:
Whoa!  Crazy it moved that fast, but congrats!   

So is this guardianship or adoption?

Admit it - you’ve been watching This Is Us. 
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It's not an adoption, but I could see it becoming that in the future. This will be a guardianship. 

My wife may have roped me into watching some of the show you mention :oldunsure:

ETA : My wife cracked up that you mentioned This Is Us. Just last night we watched the episode where Deja went back to her mother. 

 
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MikeIke said:
My whole family spoke with her for almost an hour tonight, and I think we alleviated a lot of her fears. We told her that she is going to be part of our family.  She could choose to decorate her room how she wanted. She would be included in our yearly summer vacation to North Carolina. She would go with my wife to visit Grandma (wife's mom) every other Sunday. Basically,  all the family stuff we do, she would be doing with us.

Later, her grandma talked to my wife and said that after talking to us, Padme was no longer worried, and was actually excited about it. 

We're not sure about the timing yet. At first we were thinking she would come to our house in mid-January after all needed paperwork had been filled out. But now, we just want her here as soon as possible. I'd love to have her celebrate Christmas with us. 

Holy crap, this is actually going to happen. I'm going to have a 12 year old daughter.  
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Congrats! :thumbup:

And thank you.

 
RC94 said:
Congrats and I hope you keep this thread updated over time.  This is one of the best acts of kindness I have heard in a long time.  I wish there were more people in the world like you and your family. 
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I second this.  There will be highs and lows but this thread has great potential.  If you are comfortable sharing I am on board.  

 
As a father of a 12 year old daughter, that loveable little baby has officially become a woman and her little sweet personality is slowly turning to an angry she devil. But I'm sure it will be completely different in your case...

In all seriousness, good luck, best wishes. You're doing a great thing

 
MikeIke said:
Holy crap, this is actually going to happen. I'm going to have a 12 year old daughter.  
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"Holy crap" is probably the understatement of the year.  This is going to be a life-changing experience for a lot of people.

Good luck man, we'll be rooting for you.

 
Padme is spending the weekend with us starting tomorrow (Friday) . She's also going to be with us for the entire  Christmas break, including Christmas Day. The plan is that she will be here each weekend until custody is worked out and she's here for good. 

We have a big weekend planned for her. The Christmas Tree is up but not decorated, we'll all do that this weekend as a family. We're also planning on going bowling, and a "fancy" dinner. Fancy, like Red Lobster or the equivalent. 

Legally speaking, her grandma (who right now has custody) and I are meeting with the lawyer next week to start transferring guardianship to me and my wife. 

I've talked with the local Job and Family Services representative, and basically I can't do anything like apply for aid until I'm her legal guardian. Makes sense, but it's frustrating that I can't get it started now, when I know that it will probably take 6 weeks at least to make things official. 

My wife, kids, and I are all very excited to bring in a new family member. My mom and dad, who I expected to STRENUOUSLY object, are actually all for it. My mom is just wondering what kind of Christmas presents to buy for a 12 year old girl. I gotta admit, it was a big boost when my mom told me, "I don't think you're making a mistake. You're a blessing to this girl's life." 

The next few weeks/months are going to to be a challenge, no doubt that about it. But I honestly think it will be good not only for Padme, but for me, my wife, and my boys.

 
My wife told my mom and dad before I was ready for it. Then my mom called me. I was totally expecting "you don't know anything about her, you can't afford another kid, she's going to be trouble, you already have 2 kids, you're an idiot" that kind of thing. 

Instead, my mom - bless her heart - approved my decision and just wanted to know what to buy Padme for Christmas. And when I told my mom that Padme had already lived with - and been rejected by - 3 different sets of grandparents, she said "well now she'll have another set of grandparents, and we won't reject her." 

It makes me want to cry. My mom has literally never met Padme, yet she's ready to welcome her into the family. 

I think we'll all be fine. 

 
MikeIke said:
My wife told my mom and dad before I was ready for it. Then my mom called me. I was totally expecting "you don't know anything about her, you can't afford another kid, she's going to be trouble, you already have 2 kids, you're an idiot" that kind of thing. 

Instead, my mom - bless her heart - approved my decision and just wanted to know what to buy Padme for Christmas. And when I told my mom that Padme had already lived with - and been rejected by - 3 different sets of grandparents, she said "well now she'll have another set of grandparents, and we won't reject her." 

It makes me want to cry. My mom has literally never met Padme, yet she's ready to welcome her into the family. 

I think we'll all be fine. 
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I forgot until recently - that my parents took in a friend of my sisters for like 6 months to a year.  I was a junior or senior and totally forgot she lived with us for a time.   I don't even know the circumstances as to why she needed a place to live.

I guess my point in all this is that sometimes you think people are going to act a certain way but when it comes down to basic "goodness" and helping someone people will surprise you

 
MikeIke said:
My wife told my mom and dad before I was ready for it. Then my mom called me. I was totally expecting "you don't know anything about her, you can't afford another kid, she's going to be trouble, you already have 2 kids, you're an idiot" that kind of thing. 

Instead, my mom - bless her heart - approved my decision and just wanted to know what to buy Padme for Christmas. And when I told my mom that Padme had already lived with - and been rejected by - 3 different sets of grandparents, she said "well now she'll have another set of grandparents, and we won't reject her." 

It makes me want to cry. My mom has literally never met Padme, yet she's ready to welcome her into the family. 

I think we'll all be fine. 
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I got big goosebumps from this post.

Bravo, Momma MikeIke.  Bravo!

 
It's getting a little dusty in here. Good job MikeIke! As a juvenile probation officer, I have a bit of a cynical attitude about "troubled" kids. But, I've always thought that the parents are the real problem, and the kids are just a result. With love, support, and proper discipline, I'm sure Padme will turn out just fine. Just make sure you treat her as if she has been with you from day 1: same rules, same consequences. Good luck to you and yours! Looking forward to updates throughout the years.

 
MikeIke said:
My wife told my mom and dad before I was ready for it. Then my mom called me. I was totally expecting "you don't know anything about her, you can't afford another kid, she's going to be trouble, you already have 2 kids, you're an idiot" that kind of thing. 

Instead, my mom - bless her heart - approved my decision and just wanted to know what to buy Padme for Christmas. And when I told my mom that Padme had already lived with - and been rejected by - 3 different sets of grandparents, she said "well now she'll have another set of grandparents, and we won't reject her." 

It makes me want to cry. My mom has literally never met Padme, yet she's ready to welcome her into the family. 

I think we'll all be fine. 
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Sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  So much good in this thread.

 
MikeIke said:
she said "well now she'll have another set of grandparents, and we won't reject her." 
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This is so great. You and your wife are beautiful people for making this happen. 

 
As I wrote earlier, Padme is spending the weekend with us. Tonight was the first night. Things went pretty well, the kids played minecraft, we got pizza and watched a movie. 

One really cute moment happened. All three kids took showers. After Padme's shower, she and my wife disappeared into the master bathroom. Half an hour later, my oldest asked "Where's Padme?" 

I went upstairs to check on things, and Padme was braiding my wife's hair. My wife has always wanted a daughter, and I can tell it just tickles her pink to have someone to do girly stuff with. 

I went back downstairs and told my son that they were upstairs doing each other's hair. His response? "Women... Am I right?"  He's 12.

Made me legit :lol:

 
Oh, when Padme got here this afternoon and I showed her her bedroom (which I had bought all new, purple bedding for) she had the biggest smile I could have ever hoped for. It really warmed my heart seeing her reaction. And it's not even painted yet. We're going to let her pick what colors she wants for the walls. 

 
MikeIke said:
It's not an adoption, but I could see it becoming that in the future. This will be a guardianship. 

My wife may have roped me into watching some of the show you mention :oldunsure:

ETA : My wife cracked up that you mentioned This Is Us. Just last night we watched the episode where Deja went back to her mother. 
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great news with all of this,  Enjoy the holidays with everyone and congrats

 
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MikeIke said:
Oh, when Padme got here this afternoon and I showed her her bedroom (which I had bought all new, purple bedding for) she had the biggest smile I could have ever hoped for. It really warmed my heart seeing her reaction. And it's not even painted yet. We're going to let her pick what colors she wants for the walls. 
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You're a good man

 
We fostered a daughter for about 18 months recently, ages 17-18. She came from a tough neighborhood (basically worst neighborhoods in Boston). 

One thing we did after a few months is do a nice professional family portrait, her as well of course, printed 24x30 in nice frame over fireplace. Think that made a difference 

not that you’re looking for advice but here’s one - treat her with respect but ask the same. Set boundaries and make them stick. She prob not used to boundaries so it will be a challenge but if she’s a good kid she’ll follow the mutual respect example 

 
MikeIke said:
My wife told my mom and dad before I was ready for it. Then my mom called me. I was totally expecting "you don't know anything about her, you can't afford another kid, she's going to be trouble, you already have 2 kids, you're an idiot" that kind of thing. 

Instead, my mom - bless her heart - approved my decision and just wanted to know what to buy Padme for Christmas. And when I told my mom that Padme had already lived with - and been rejected by - 3 different sets of grandparents, she said "well now she'll have another set of grandparents, and we won't reject her." 

It makes me want to cry. My mom has literally never met Padme, yet she's ready to welcome her into the family. 

I think we'll all be fine. 
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This is such great news.

My cousin fostered a child with the hope of adoption. She is 9 and and came from a broken drug riddled family. 

When she told her dad what they were doing. Dad was all like it' a terrible idea, why are you gonna so that,  it can just lead to problems etc.. 

Dad is  old school European. Really upset my cousin. 

Having family support accross the board makes things so much more easier and pleasant.

When cousin brought her around for the 1st time all our kids in the family just acted like she was another kid. Several more functions passed and they treated her just like one of the other cousins as part of the pack.

Adults can learn soooo much from kids.

 After about 17 months adoption became official last month.

 
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This was our first weekend with Padme, and it went really well. She got here Friday afternoon with a few boxes of stuff. Friday we had pizza and watched a movie. Saturday we decorated the Christmas tree and watched another movie. Sunday we went to Dave and Busters. A good time was had by all. 

My boys behaved terribly toward each other. Constant bickering and arguing, way more than usual. I think they were somehow trying to impress Padme. After she went back to grandma's on Sunday my wife and I had a big conversation with them about how disappointed we were with how they acted, they need to be on good behavior, etc. 

Today I started painting Padme's bedroom. It's got a magenta accent wall where the closet is, a violet accent wall where the window is, and pink walls on the sides. It will really match the bedding set I bought for her last week.  Hopefully it turns out well. 

 
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belljr said:
See it's like dating a woman. You start out with a large gift the first time and they expect subsequent bigger gifts..... You blew it. :)
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Yeah, I know. I wanted to go bowling but no, Mrs. Ike said "let's go to Dave and Buster's!" 

 
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