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Taking in a child from a troubled home NOV '23 UPDATE: Epilogue (1 Viewer)

Righetti said:
How is the family counseling going?
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Honestly, I don't know.

We go every week. Sometimes just Padme and the counselor, sometimes with me and/or the wife, sometimes with the boys. 

Padme tells the counselor that she's frustrated that most of the time it's just her, not the family. She wanted family counseling, not individual. 

Sometimes she opens up. But part of me thinks that it's all calculated, she says what she thinks the listener wants to hear. I get a lot of that from her myself. That's what leads me back to sociopathy. Everything is always about what she will get out of a certain situation. 

 
Ugh. The crappy thing is, you're probably right that you can expect a whole lot more headache. She's a very damaged girl that has lived her entire life in chaos. She has no idea how to live in a normal family. She has no idea what proper behavior looks like or why it's important. She has no idea what someone truly loving her looks like. 

The best thingz you can do for her (and your family) are to continue counseling, continue to enforce strict rules (she WILL fight it but desperately needs it), and continue to repeat to her that while her behavior is destructive and totally unacceptable and that there will be consequences, that you won't stop loving her and are 100% in.

Her life had been chaos and people giving up on her. But there is still hope for her if you're willing to invest. She'll continue to fight and do things to alienate because that's what she's learned life looks like.  You can be the light in her life that shows her that life doesn't have to look like that.

Sorry that things have been so rough man. I've seen multiple friends go through similar situations with foster kids. It's horrible how damaged kids can be from crappy family.

 
Sorry to read this! Situations like this typically have mountain peaks and deep valleys. Padme has been “trained” to behave as she has and it’s going to take time and consistency to “retrain” her. Keep rallying around the family and relish the good times and get through the bad times quickly.

 
So sorry to hear.

Understand that this is not a short race but a marathon. There will be no quick fixes. I just to hear that your family had to struggle as a result but hopefully everyone comes out better as a result eventually.

Best of luck.

 
GroveDiesel said:
Ugh. The crappy thing is, you're probably right that you can expect a whole lot more headache. She's a very damaged girl that has lived her entire life in chaos. She has no idea how to live in a normal family. She has no idea what proper behavior looks like or why it's important. She has no idea what someone truly loving her looks like. 

The best thingz you can do for her (and your family) are to continue counseling, continue to enforce strict rules (she WILL fight it but desperately needs it), and continue to repeat to her that while her behavior is destructive and totally unacceptable and that there will be consequences, that you won't stop loving her and are 100% in. 

Her life had been chaos and people giving up on her. But there is still hope for her if you're willing to invest. She'll continue to fight and do things to alienate because that's what she's learned life looks like.  You can be the light in her life that shows her that life doesn't have to look like that.

Sorry that things have been so rough man. I've seen multiple friends go through similar situations with foster kids. It's horrible how damaged kids can be from crappy family.
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The bolded is what I keep stressing to her. We're the 5th family she's lived with in 7 years. The judge literally told us that he didn't want to see her in his court again passing off guardianship to someone else. 

 
Didn't you mention in a thread a while back that your wife suffers BPD, but acknowledges it and treats it with meds?  I can imagine picking battles is tough for your wife if that's the case.

 
[scooter] said:
Did any of those kids turn out OK?
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Yes, some turned their lives around amazingly. Others, not so much.

Age seems to correlate pretty strongly with that. The older they are, the more difficult to undo the damage (which makes a ton of sense)

From my limited exposure, I'd say 12 is still young enough to provide a great chance. It will take longer, a lot more work, and a lot more tears than a 4 or 5 year old, but there's still plenty of opportunity. Once they hit 14+ before they get into a stable healthy situation, the odds really start to be stacked against the kid turning things around IMO.

 
pats3in4 said:
Didn't you mention in a thread a while back that your wife suffers BPD, but acknowledges it and treats it with meds?  I can imagine picking battles is tough for your wife if that's the case.
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Yes, that was me. My wife and Padme sometimes mix as well as oil and water. Both are willing to fight against perceived slights, and sometimes it gets ugly. 

 
Wait until her boyfriend Anakin starts coming around. I hear he has a real dark side.

Seriously though, good luck. You're a good man MikeIke.

 
MikeIke said:
Yes, that was me. My wife and Padme sometimes mix as well as oil and water. Both are willing to fight against perceived slights, and sometimes it gets ugly. 
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You already had my admiration for putting in the hard work in making a marriage work with a BPD spouse.  Taking on this troubled girl on top of that is something I can't even fathom.  You're a good man.

Do whatever it takes to keep that girl in therapy.  Individual, family, whatever.  Have patience.  You've probably already saved this girl.  You just don't know it, yet. 

 
You’re a great man for doing this. Sadly Padme probably thinks you’re going to desert her like everyone else and is still in survival mode. Until she feels that long term love and commitment you’ll be in a battle. It’s got to be hard sacrificing the happiness of your other family members, not sure I could do it, but you seem like a better man than me. Good luck. 

 
I'm sorry to hear this.  I'll pray for patience and for her to be able to love and trust you and your family.  Keep your head up.

 
It might be hard right now, and you may be second guessing yourself, but I truly believe at the end you won't think you made a mistake.  You're just smack in the middle of the toughest part of the toughest thing you could ever do.  You knew it wasn't going to be an easy road, and it's not.  Hang in there.  You're still changing this girls life for the better.

 
I wish you and your family the best of luck with this.  It certainly sounds like a very tough situation that won't be getting easier anytime soon.  A 12 year old that has been with five families in seven years?  It took many years of turmoil and instability to get to the point to where she is now--and it will take many years for her to hopefully get to some point of normalcy.  I'm not married and I don't have kids--but I think that if I was married and had kids--that I wouldn't have the courage or strength to sign my family up for the obstacles that you guys did by bringing her into your family.   I commend you and your family for that.   You guys are all sacrificing your own comfort and resources to help this girl in need---which is very admirable.  

 
You're a good dude for doing this. You probably knew it would be unpredictable and really hard. Hope your family stays strong and navigates through it. We're pulling for you...

 
MikeIke said:
Wow, it's been more than two months since I've updated this thread. There's actually a good reason for that - I'm trying to bring her into to my family but she keeps messing it up. Bottom line - I regret bringing Padme into my home and I think this 12-year-old girl might literally be a sociopath. 
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I seriously doubt your child is inherently evil.  Also not a sociopath.  I might help a lot if you stop thinking of her in those terms.  It matters.  The major point is that she has been with you for just a few months, but somehow you expect her to overcome all the previous twelve years of neglect and abuse in that short time.  And no child is going to change based on logic.  She's twelve.  You are in for the long haul, and it would still help if your wife and her forever mom could behave with control and insight.  

I kind of think she needs specialized help- more than normal counseling.

And I think you are wonderful for doing this.

 
Nothing to add (I'm not a parent), but I work with parents of teenage girls. They all sound like sociopaths. Obviously, Padme's past is going to make things even more difficult, but the it seems like there's a unique level of frustration brought on by teenage girls from all backgrounds.

No matter how unlikely it may seem at times, her knowing you care and that you have her best interest at heart will help you all get through this eventually, I bet.

 
It will take time to fix a broken spirit and soul.  Hopefully it works and you can do for her what everyone else has failed to do and help mold her into a better person.  I considered doing something like this in the past and reading this, I am glad that I did not.  I don't have the right stuff in me to deal with it and my fear for my own kid's welfare overrode the feelings that I had to try and help the friend's child.  The ages were similar at the time and I ave nothing but good hopes for you, your family and Padme.

 
Stick with it and she may even end up playing as a lineman in the NFL and then they'll make a movie about you guys. But that's a long ways away.

 
Hang in there.  We took in a friend of my sons when he was in high school.  The boy we took into our home was 15 and came from a family that was an absolute hot mess.  His father ended up dying of a heroin overdose when he was living with us.  The same father who had no visitation privileges for life and spent time in prison because he had beat the kid so merciless when he was 8 that his leg was shattered in multiple places and required surgery, yet the boy was DEVASTATED when he died.  He was a good kid, but was just SO destructive.  To both himself and our family.  He was a product of a family that ALL spent time in prison for various reasons (including Mom) and spent the time they were out of prison, just living off the system.   I tried so hard to show him that he did not have to go down the road of his entire family and just be a drain on society.  That there were so many amazing things you can experience in life if you work for it rather than expecting the system to just take care of you.  We joined the wrestling team with my son.  Tried so hard t give him opportunities to experience things he had never experienced.  Our entire families took him in.  We went on family vacations.  

He lived with us about 2 years before it crashed and burned to a point where he had to go.  I felt horrible when he left to go back to his family.  It was his choice (we didn't adopt him) but I knew it was the wrong choice.  I tried very hard to get him to stay.  To get him to see that although we had rules in our house, they were for a reason and his future with us was promising.  The daily drama and stress it caused the entire family was BRUTAL.  The ending meltdown was BRUTAL.  

He is now 20,  a high school drop out with a baby momma.  I'm still friends with him on social media and I see the drama he's in quite a bit. Still breaks my heart.  He's stopped by to see me a few times and has thanked me for trying to help him.  He says he knows now that he made a mistake and misses the life he had with us.  He brings up heart to heart conversations we had where I told him things no one else in his life was going to tell him.  How to become something. How to be more than what surrounds you.  Things I didn't believe for one minute he was "hearing".  Last I talked to him he was going to night school to try and get his diploma or GED.  Had a long way to go as he was still technically a freshman when he dropped out.  Wants to become a truck driver so he can support his son.  Nothing glamorous, but it's a start.  If he can stay off welfare, out of prison and not dead before he is 30....  he will already be doing better than every other family member he's watched growing up.  

He thanked me for being the "Dad he's never had".  Is he going to turn it around and put it all together?  I have no idea.  But I like to think that he has a chance... and that chance was in part helped by the time he spent with us.  Those 2 years were some of the hardest and most stressful of my marriage and my life.  Absolutely just draining and probably took a couple years off my life due to the stress. 

If he can manage to break the cycle and become something, well then it would have been worth it.  Know that what you are doing is thankless, but absolutely amazing.  Helping these guys out in these situations is a long shot, but bless you for trying.  That is more than too many biological "parents" are willing to do.

 
MikeIke said:
Sometimes she opens up. But part of me thinks that it's all calculated, she says what she thinks the listener wants to hear. I get a lot of that from her myself. That's what leads me back to sociopathy. Everything is always about what she will get out of a certain situation. 
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So just an average female teenager...

 
Frostillicus said:
It might be hard right now, and you may be second guessing yourself, but I truly believe at the end you won't think you made a mistake.  You're just smack in the middle of the toughest part of the toughest thing you could ever do.  You knew it wasn't going to be an easy road, and it's not.  Hang in there.  You're still changing this girls life for the better.
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:goodposting:

You're doing great work Mike.

 
this likely seemed like a good idea at the time, but there were many red flags.  can you drive her to a wooded area and leave her or will she be traced back to you?

 
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Be patient and keep working toward a better tomorrow for everyone.  It’s not easy, but hopefully she’ll turn that corner soon.

 
I am going through a lot of stuff personally that is difficult and not on this level, but I can kind of relate.  You really deserve some kind of an award for doing this, especially with BPD wife to boot.  Every day you will feel like Sisyphus.  The only way to get through it is with support from your wife and others, and to always focus on the long game.  What kind of a person will she be when she is a young adult?  Can you help make her into a functioning and hopefully thriving person?  Keep that vision of her success in mind and remember that that getting there is going to take a lot of pain and struggle.  And that providing all the structure you can is for the best, as much as she is going to buck.  She has presumably never had a situation of high control and high warmth.  As much as kids hate rules and discipline, it is ultimately something that they definitely need and do kind of want.  They simply don't have the capacity to process too much freedom and flexibility.  So all you can do is keep reinforcing authority and structure that she has never had, as well as the unconditional love to carry through the mistakes and difficult times.  It is not a guarantee that it will work out, but really the only way possible.

 
MikeIke said:
Wow, it's been more than two months since I've updated this thread. There's actually a good reason for that - I'm trying to bring her into to my family but she keeps messing it up. Bottom line - I regret bringing Padme into my home and I think this 12-year-old girl might literally be a sociopath. 

(Ugh, I've tried typing about 10 different responses here and nothing seems to work. I guess my best option at this point is to not give details but instead, just focus on a general direction. If I concentrate on one storyline everything will get lost in the details).

Padme is restricted from social media. When she has access to Facebook or Instagram she immediately messages old "friends" and begins engaging in hateful arguments. For example, in the last 2 weeks she's had a "friend" tell her she should either be ####### a dog on a Webcam or just kill herself. This was after we had given her back her online privileges after extended good behavior. And it wasn't just the "friend" engaging in conversation, Padme replied and was just as nasty in her responses. REMINDER : She's 12 years old.

We had to take her out of the public school we enrolled her in after 2 weeks. She'd gotten into a fistfight with another girl. Now she goes to the charter school where my wife works. It's an International school with mostly Somali and/or Muslim students. She repeatedly walks out of class when she gets angry or bored. This is a good school, and she completely ignores their rules, probably because my wife works there and she thinks she gets special consideration. 

She made friends with a girl down the street. This girl is also troubled, to the point where I wouldn't let her come to our house anymore about a year ago.  After 2 weeks of Padme being friends with this girl, they had almost gotten kicked out of the church youth group. The girl's mom told me that there was no way she was going to let all to progress her daughter had made be ruined by Padme. 

I don't know what to say at this point. We have good weeks and bad weeks. Sometimes she's as sweet as can be and the daughter I never had. Other times, she's pure evil and ruining our family. 

Bottom line is, I definitely feel that I made a mistake. I never should have involved myself to this degree in Padme's life. But now I'm stuck, just as much as if she were my biological daughter. 

I just hope that I can look at this thread 5 years from now and laugh at how bad I thought it might get. 
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No.  You aren't stuck.  She isn't your kid.  She isn't worth ruining your family over.  Is she worth a divorce?  Or having your biological kids hate you down the road, or hate her?

 
I don't think this is at all unexpected.

-Any kid who has been through what she has been through will be messed up.  She doesn't know how to be normal.  That takes time, lots of time.  Years of effort on her part and on your part.

-Your wife's issues mentioned up thread, that's not going to make this easy, ever.

-After people get comfortable, best behavior slides from the forefront of people's minds.  She, and the rest of you all, are probably not constantly putting your best foot forward constantly, and it has led to increased strife.

You're in this now.  If I knew all of the details and had your ear before you got custody, I would've advised you against it.  But that's an option that is gone.  You stepped forward out of the blue to solve a problem.  Now you've finally seen how problematic that problem is.  Thing is, if you back out now, you'll have messed this girl up even more than had you done nothing.  From my perspective, you're karmically pot committed here.  It will improve over time, but just as she needs to learn how to be a normal kid with a normal family, your family has to learn to accept her 100%, fleas and all.  Love is unconditional.  You cannot let yourself regret this decision.  It will not work out if you do.

I would recommend 2 therapy sessions a week, one for her and one for everyone together.  Every week.  If cost is an issue, start a gofundme and link it here and I'm sure several of us will chip in.  I would also recommend that you find whatever patience you can, because this will be a bumpy ride for a while coming.  And finally, I'd edit your updated thread title.  Heaven forbid that kid stumble across this thread and read that.

 
(HULK) said:
I don't think this is at all unexpected.

-Any kid who has been through what she has been through will be messed up.  She doesn't know how to be normal.  That takes time, lots of time.  Years of effort on her part and on your part.

-Your wife's issues mentioned up thread, that's not going to make this easy, ever.

-After people get comfortable, best behavior slides from the forefront of people's minds.  She, and the rest of you all, are probably not constantly putting your best foot forward constantly, and it has led to increased strife.

You're in this now.  If I knew all of the details and had your ear before you got custody, I would've advised you against it.  But that's an option that is gone.  You stepped forward out of the blue to solve a problem.  Now you've finally seen how problematic that problem is.  Thing is, if you back out now, you'll have messed this girl up even more than had you done nothing.  From my perspective, you're karmically pot committed here.  It will improve over time, but just as she needs to learn how to be a normal kid with a normal family, your family has to learn to accept her 100%, fleas and all.  Love is unconditional.  You cannot let yourself regret this decision.  It will not work out if you do.

I would recommend 2 therapy sessions a week, one for her and one for everyone together.  Every week.  If cost is an issue, start a gofundme and link it here and I'm sure several of us will chip in.  I would also recommend that you find whatever patience you can, because this will be a bumpy ride for a while coming.  And finally, I'd edit your updated thread title.  Heaven forbid that kid stumble across this thread and read that.
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Some great advice here.  :thumbup:

 
interesting to me on a personal level.

My wife and I just sent our youngest of 2 to college this year. So house is empty most of the year with both in school away from home.

I've said to my wife more than once, we should consider fostering. I consider us good parents. Good school system in our town. 

Our kids are "nearly" flawless. Deans list and such so far. I feel we could do a young child some good. 

Wife works in a school system as a behavioral therapist so she works with these types of "troubled" kids on a daily basis.

Knowing what she knows, she is absolutely dead set on not fostering. She'll have nothing to do with any of them outside of her work.

This story reinforces her point.

 
I hope this is taken as the encouragement I intend it to be, although perhaps I could see how it would be taken otherwise.  

I can completely relate to your situation, MikeIke.  About 10 years ago, my wife and I felt a strong leading to adopt.  We already had 3 children.  We first took steps to adopt from overseas, but, after two years of working with no progress in sight, we shifted gears when we were informed about a brother and sister living with their grandmother in our town of 2000 people.  Grandma had tried to raise them after her daughter, the mother, had been sent to jail, but, with both birth fathers out of the picture and no sense that Mom would get her life together, wanted to see them adopted into a good home as she advanced in age.  So, we fostered them for about a year until we could legally adopt them.  

They've been with us for about 7.5 years now.  Every single day is still a challenge.  We continually "pay" for treatment they received from before we adopted them.  (Our son was 6 and daughter almost 4 when they came to us.)  My wife and I have looked at each other plenty of times at the end of another trying day and wonder why we did it, think it was a mistake and wonder what the chaos they are causing might be doing to our other 3 kids.  We have spent countless hours teaching, encouraging, correcting, etc. things that we're convinced we wouldn't have to deal with if we'd had them from birth, and we still deal with these issues on a daily basis.  Lying, stealing, blatant disobedience, etc.  It's exhausting.  

Since we're immersed in it 24/7, we don't always have the perspective we need.  Countless people have come up to us and told us how big a change they've seen in the kids from when they were younger.  They tell us that we're doing the best we can as parents to these troubled kids and it shows.  I'm sure you're doing the same.  You're providing stability and love and I'm sure you feel like all you're getting back is heartache and chaos.  But I'm confident you're making a difference and doing the right thing.  Maybe it'll never manifest itself while she's with you.  Hopefully, if it doesn't, it will down the line.  All I can say is be consistent and, as you said you're doing, reassure her of your love and that she's not going anywhere.  You're doing a good thing, even if you don't reap the benefits from it.  

 
pats3in4 said:
You already had my admiration for putting in the hard work in making a marriage work with a BPD spouse.  Taking on this troubled girl on top of that is something I can't even fathom.  You're a good man.

Do whatever it takes to keep that girl in therapy.  Individual, family, whatever.  Have patience.  You've probably already saved this girl.  You just don't know it, yet. 
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This is a good post that shouldn't be missed.  I'm not sure I could do what you're doing but if you're able do it long enough, she'll build a door into the walls she's built up.  The door may take a while to open (and may shut a few times after it does) but at her age, you have the time to make a difference that will last her the rest of her life.

 
cockroach said:
I like the thread title change.  You're less than 6 months into this journey, don't get discouraged yet. 
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I was feeling particularly bad the other day. Not quite so much now. 

I truly appreciate everyone's comments here. I'm not going to respond to each but I assure you, I read them all. 

 
Johnny Rock said:
Are you able to honor Padme’s preference for whole family counseling?
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We've done it a few times, but the counselor is the one who decides with whom she meets the next time. Just Padme, wife and Padme, boys, family - she decides based on the circumstances. We're following her lead and, honestly, Padme needs it the most. 

 
MikeIke said:
I was feeling particularly bad the other day. Not quite so much now. 

I truly appreciate everyone's comments here. I'm not going to respond to each but I assure you, I read them all. 
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I have started typing replies a couple times and deleted them, because i didn't quite know what to say. You and your family have been on my mind, and I feel for you. Stay strong, dont be afraid to find an outlet to vent, and you're doing a remarkable thing. Don't focus on goals/objectives- looking the way you envisioned at first- try and stay present in the moment and centered and give your family what they need. Much respect.

 
Worst week yet. Padme had a suicide attempt (overdose of Tylenol and Advil) Saturday. We put her in the psych ward at Children's Hospital Sunday night. 

She'd made progress throughout the week but today she had a session with my wife and the counselor and it was an absolute mess.

The hospital folks have been telling me how great Padme is - so pleasant, so sweet. Then when my wife saw her tonight Padme went into attack mode and said every hurtful thing she could think of. My wife is devastated. 

I have no idea what happens next but it doesn't look good. 

I regret ever taking her in. 

 
I honestly don't want her to come back to our house. I wouldn't mind her being institutionalized and letting my family get back to normal. 

 
Hilts said:
CPS involved yet? What have they had to say? 
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They're not involved, but we may get with them. For now, Padme is still at the hospital. I'm going to talk with the counselor and psychiatrist tomorrow to see what their feelings are about Padme’s outburst today. 

It's literally like two different people. She's been nice and sweet all week when meeting with doctors, counselors, and psychiatrists. I had a really great session with her today at 1:00 with the psychiatrist. 

Then my wife met with her and the counselor and Padme went into attack mode. My wife was crying, Padme was mocking my wife for crying, and the counselor didn't know what to say - I think she was stunned by Padme’s viciousness. 

Like I said earlier, this girl may very well be a ligitimate sociopath. 

 
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