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Tell a Good Joke (1 Viewer)

A drunk guy in a bar, goes over to a woman who is standing and grabs her ###.
“What the #### do you think you’re doing!?!?” she screams.
The guy “Sorry, I thought you were my wife.”
She yells, "You drunk, worthless, piece of ####, #######!”
“See? You sound just like her.”
 
0-2 so far.
0-1. The second post was a serious question. :shrug:
Foul tip.
...just the tip?
Just for a second. Just to see how it feels.
Did you see Nikki's engagement photo? I thought it looked a lot like Gonzo from the Muppets. You?

on a lighter note:

Why did Jesus quit the hockey team?

He kept getting nailed to the boards. :tebow:

 
0-2 so far.
0-1. The second post was a serious question. :shrug:
Foul tip.
...just the tip?
Just for a second. Just to see how it feels.
Did you see Nikki's engagement photo? I thought it looked a lot like Gonzo from the Muppets. You?

on a lighter note:

Why did Jesus quit the hockey team?

He kept getting nailed to the boards. :tebow:
Yeah, I saw it. I think that regardless of your opinion of her, posting the picture was in pretty poor taste.
 
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0-2 so far.
0-1. The second post was a serious question. :shrug:
Foul tip.
...just the tip?
Just for a second. Just to see how it feels.
Did you see Nikki's engagement photo? I thought it looked a lot like Gonzo from the Muppets. You?

on a lighter note:

Why did Jesus quit the hockey team?

He kept getting nailed to the boards. :tebow:
Yeah, I saw it. I think that regardless of your opinion of her, posting the picture was in pretty poor taste.
I agree it was in bad taste....it made me puke in my mouf

 
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his assss.

 
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Kid comes home from school. "Mom! I had sex with my English teacher!"

"Johnny! You go tell your father what you just told me!"

Kid goes out to the garage and tells his dad.

"I'm proud of you son. You've become a man today. Whaddya say we go out for ice cream, and I'll buy you that new bike you've had your eye on?"

"Uh, maybe just the ice cream today."

"But Johnny, I thought you needed a new bike?"

"Yeah, but right now my ### is killing me."

 
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, the problems it causes in a marriage, and other long term effects of drinking.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that kind of lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”

 
How do you make a dead cat meow?

Toss it in the freezer, once frozen, take it to your tablesaw and start cutting - Meeoooowww, Meeoooowww...

(Credits to my dad, formerly a carpenter)

 
You see all those great posts about stock picks in here? I have correctly picked a couple of stocks that went up in one if the biggest bull markets ever. I could have made FBGers millions and millions of dollars with my superior insight into stocks if they would have listened. But do people call me a Stock Picker......nope, they don't call me a stock picker.

You see all those fantasy football championships belts over there? I beaten all the neighborhood kids 12 years in a row. I have enlightened hundreds of people on these boards with my vast knowledge of magical football. But do people call me as a fantasy football God.....nope, they don't call me a Fantasy Football God.

You see all those neatly stocked shelves over there filled with condoms and aspirin? I manage four overweight black women at night to keep them that way while pulling in a solid three figure pay check every two weeks. But do people call me a shift manager....nope, they don't call me a shift manager.

You see all those chicks over there? No not all those fat chicks waving at me. The two over at the bar pretending not to notice me. I once took a picture with them when I was dressed up looking like one of the Village People. But do people call me a chick magnet.....nope they don't call me a chick magnet.

But I #### one goat.....

 
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There's a bank robbery going on, and the robbers have all the bank customers on the ground. One robber stumbles, and his mask slips off. He asks a customer on the ground, "Did you see my face?" The customer replies "Yes", so the robber shoots him dead. The robber asks another customer, "Did you see my face?" The customer replies, "No, but my wife did."

 
why is there no Polish Olympic ice hockey team?

they drowned during spring training.....ahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

 
What's the best thing about having sex with a transvestite?

During the reach-around, you can pretend it's going all the way through.

Merry Christmas everyone!

 
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

“Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs
which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you
as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn
that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel
with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight.–
Your Husband”
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

“Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I
will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being
the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the
fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t
wait up.”

 
Noah throws open the doors to the ark, and announces "Go forth, and multiply!"

The animals flood forth and generally get busy, except for two snakes, who slither up to Noah and hiss "We can't multiply, we're adders."

Sighing, Noah goes into the woods. He takes a saw, cuts down two trees, and forms them into a large, crude desk. Then he goes back to the snakes and says again, "Go forth, and multiply!"

"We already told you, we can't multiply, we're adders!"

"Ahh!" Exclaims Noah. "But here is a log table!"
 
0-2 so far.
0-1. The second post was a serious question. :shrug:
Foul tip.
...just the tip?
Just for a second. Just to see how it feels.
Did you see Nikki's engagement photo? I thought it looked a lot like Gonzo from the Muppets. You?

on a lighter note:

Why did Jesus quit the hockey team?

He kept getting nailed to the boards. :tebow:
Yeah, I saw it. I think that regardless of your opinion of her, posting the picture was in pretty poor taste.
I agree it was in bad taste....it made me puke in my mouf
Bad memories ?
Just keep in mind who is running the GOTY dumpster fire.

 
Three nuns are walking down the street when a flasher opens his coat in front of them.

The first nun has a stroke.

The second nun does too.

The thrid nun doesn't touch him.

 
Totally stealing this from another poster from another site:

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...













"SUPPLIES!!"

 
Totally stealing this from another poster from another site:

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"



The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."



The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...























"SUPPLIES!!"
I've been telling this joke for fifteen years, and I never get tired of telling it. And I never will.

 
A man walks into a zoo.

The only animal there is a dog.

It was a sh*tzu.

 
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