Wife uses sex as a weapon (1 Viewer)

[Bogart]

(1) She said she has had mono four times in the last year, a thyroid condition and IBS. (2) She is on a new medicine for the thyroid and a very new medicine for the IBS. Meds for these conditions are recent. (3) We have been with condoms ever since our 6 YO was born. She was on the Pill before then for the first two years if our marriage. Nothing of course for the two years we tried to conceive our 6 YO. (4) Our sex life has not been of any quality for the last 8 years. It went from 3-4 times a year to zero because I was tired of hearing no, and being made to feel like scum when asking. Please understand, if it was because of her health I would completely understand. If I had changed physically for the worse I would understand. But I can tell you I am pretty much the same physically since we got married and she always finds the time and strength to do what she wants. In the last year she has had a few stretches of running/walking at night.

Mono x4 + Thryroid + IBS = a quite sick woman. But agree, this is all recent.It seems the changing point was when she went off the pill eight years ago. The pill can change who she is sexually attracted to based on the compatiblity of your immune systems. Women can tell who makes a good genetic/immune system potential father of their child based on sense of smell - this is all subconcious.Was she on the birth control pills when you met/dated/engaged?

I agree that the combination of everything she has going on can make her a sick woman. Yet I find it frustrating that she has plenty of energy to go to work everyday (yes, responsible adult, good soldier, etc), but also has enough energy to go and run/walk a few nights a week, go shopping whenever she wants. She goes to bed early most nights, yet, when she wants she stays up really late watching Netflix. The weekends are full of projects that she wants to do. It's common for her to sleep in late on Saturday and Sunday leaving me to watch the kids, but she will stay up late doing what she wants the night before.Yes, she is sick, but she finds energy for what she wants to do.She was not on the Pill when we first met and started dated. She got on them about halfway through our dating. It did not affect our sex life one way or the other at that time.The reason behind everything I believe still lies in what she wont tell me. She is playing the sick card for the counselor because she doesn't want to go there, but we will get there, and soon.

 

[culdeus]

Since when did anyone think the pill is a help when it comes to sex drive? It is at best neutral and at worst a big downer.

 

[iamsmilin]

This is a VERY

I think this basically describes the relationship my wife and I have had, essentially since we had our oldest. I don't think she lost interest in me physically. That said, she felt like I abandoned her emotionally after our oldest was born, and while her Mom was in hospice dying from leukemia. My wife would drive off with our oldest (still less than 1 yo) an hour away, multiple times per-week, while I was left at home to work on our fixer-upper house and eek out just enough money to keep the lights on and food on the table. I made that sacrifice (not to mention the sacrifice of moving to an area I wasn't really wanting to move to in order for her to be closer to her family), as well as the sacrifice of working to the point of exhaustion on our home/business, because I loved her...and didn't want her to have to worry about those types of things so she could have more quality time with her mom and with our daughter.

My wife didn't see it that way. My wife saw it as me putting things/work ahead of her and our child. And basically from that moment on, she's wanted little to nothing to do with me. Some eight years later.

Thing is, after years of being ignored in the intimacy department, I kind of lost interest in her sexually too. Not in sex, in-general. But in her. I still love her...but more as a family member or friend vs. as a sexual partner. Which tears a rip into the fabric of the space/time continuum (lol), since women "know" they can use sex to manipulate their partners/husbands into getting their way on things. Only when that partner/husband feels more like "meh...no thanks," all their power is gone. And then they (both) are left with a boring, passionless relationship where neither of them feels fulfilled or appreciated.

It was a big blow to my self-esteem when I first realized that the problem was really my wife not being attracted to me sexually anymore. Although it'd probably be an even bigger blow to her if she realized that a lot of the distance/withdrawal in our relationship and intimacy is due to the fact that I feel the exact same way about her...after being ignored for years on end. Punished for "not being there for her" during a period of great emotional need in her life. When in actuality, I was there for her more than she will ever realize. Just not in the way she wanted me to be.

You have to make the first move. Female sexuality is responsive to male sexuality. She can't will herself to be sexually interested in you, but you can will yourself to do the things needed to make her more interested in you.

I'll have to disagree with you on this. Assuming she was sexually attractive to him before they were married and he hasn't become obese, she can will herself to be sexually attracted to him, she just needs to want to. A lot of hang-ups about sex are emotional and some are mental. If she is in a rut and is mentally not happy then lack of sex is a natural consequence. However, if she decides that she's had enough of her pity party and wants to get out of the rut, positive thinking, a good attitude and some thoughts about sex really help. I was in a very negative emotional and mental state after having to go back to work after my second child. I was miserable and everything around me sucked. I didn't want sex at all. Once I realized that all I was doing was making things worse, I made myself try to think about the good things and not dwell on the bad. Once I did, I was able to think about doing small things with my husband my sex drive came back.

I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying every female will want to do it. Its good that the men in here want to work on it and they should, it'll help but SHE also has to take ownership of her sexuality and mood.

 

[datonn]

I'll have to disagree with you on this. Assuming she was sexually attractive to him before they were married and he hasn't become obese, she can will herself to be sexually attracted to him, she just needs to want to. A lot of hang-ups about sex are emotional and some are mental. If she is in a rut and is mentally not happy then lack of sex is a natural consequence. However, if she decides that she's had enough of her pity party and wants to get out of the rut, positive thinking, a good attitude and some thoughts about sex really help.

I was in a very negative emotional and mental state after having to go back to work after my second child. I was miserable and everything around me sucked. I didn't want sex at all. Once I realized that all I was doing was making things worse, I made myself try to think about the good things and not dwell on the bad. Once I did, I was able to think about doing small things with my husband my sex drive came back.

I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying every female will want to do it. Its good that the men in here want to work on it and they should, it'll help but SHE also has to take ownership of her sexuality and mood.

Yep. That was the most frustrating part of marriage counseling for me. The idea that I needed to do/provide the sun, moon and stars just to try and thaw that iceberg that had killed her sex drive all these years. I kept saying/thinking "no...I'm already a good provider (80-90% of our annual income), I spend probably 15-20+ solo hours with the kids every week, I do most of the dishes, picking up around the house, at least half of the laundry, etc. If she expects A/B/C and X/Y/Z from me in order to be in the mood, then shouldn't she expect to have to put forth ANY effort to keep *ME* interested?"That's been my biggest frustration with all of this...the double-standard. Whenever I turn the conversation around to be about her, she'll talk about feeling the brunt of the childcare responsibilities, the cooking, etc. To which I reply: "And?!" If I can't count working 65-70+ hours/week to provide our family with financial security, probably 15-20 hours/week cleaning up after three other people (at least a couple hours/day, counting laundry), etc., then she can't count taking care of the kids, cooking, et al as putting forth effort to keep me interested/happy. Yet it always gets twisted back into what I'm not doing for her. Little/no focus or time spent on what she isn't doing for me.

Which is when I essentially checked out of the relationship. I do the work of probably two normal people to keep everything humming around here, and I'm not doing enough? While at the same time getting maybe five meals a week that she'll cook where I get to join her and the kids...while picking up after all three of them on a daily basis? #### that. It's a bit childish, but I've been on strike in our relationship (no flowers, no cards, no whispering sweet-nothings in her ear) for years. Because she's been on strike from our relationship for that time plus an additional 2-3 years. I didn't #### up our relationship. She did...while we were in the process of losing her mom and then became parents. So if she wants to have a marriage, a loving relationship, *AND* she's waiting for me to bend over backwards to make her feel special/appreciated?! Seriously...we'll end up divorced before that happens. I get treated like #### on a daily basis, and I'm the one who needs to do/offer more?!

Like I said, that's the double-standard that I cannot stand. My stubbornness might ultimately end up splitting us up...but I'm supposed to apologize for the problems in our relationship and take ownership of said problems?! Not 50% ownership...I'm talking 80-100% ownership. That'll happen, over my dead, cold body.

 

[Shutterbug]

This is a VERY

I think this basically describes the relationship my wife and I have had, essentially since we had our oldest. I don't think she lost interest in me physically. That said, she felt like I abandoned her emotionally after our oldest was born, and while her Mom was in hospice dying from leukemia. My wife would drive off with our oldest (still less than 1 yo) an hour away, multiple times per-week, while I was left at home to work on our fixer-upper house and eek out just enough money to keep the lights on and food on the table. I made that sacrifice (not to mention the sacrifice of moving to an area I wasn't really wanting to move to in order for her to be closer to her family), as well as the sacrifice of working to the point of exhaustion on our home/business, because I loved her...and didn't want her to have to worry about those types of things so she could have more quality time with her mom and with our daughter.

My wife didn't see it that way. My wife saw it as me putting things/work ahead of her and our child. And basically from that moment on, she's wanted little to nothing to do with me. Some eight years later.

Thing is, after years of being ignored in the intimacy department, I kind of lost interest in her sexually too. Not in sex, in-general. But in her. I still love her...but more as a family member or friend vs. as a sexual partner. Which tears a rip into the fabric of the space/time continuum (lol), since women "know" they can use sex to manipulate their partners/husbands into getting their way on things. Only when that partner/husband feels more like "meh...no thanks," all their power is gone. And then they (both) are left with a boring, passionless relationship where neither of them feels fulfilled or appreciated.

It was a big blow to my self-esteem when I first realized that the problem was really my wife not being attracted to me sexually anymore. Although it'd probably be an even bigger blow to her if she realized that a lot of the distance/withdrawal in our relationship and intimacy is due to the fact that I feel the exact same way about her...after being ignored for years on end. Punished for "not being there for her" during a period of great emotional need in her life. When in actuality, I was there for her more than she will ever realize. Just not in the way she wanted me to be.

You have to make the first move. Female sexuality is responsive to male sexuality. She can't will herself to be sexually interested in you, but you can will yourself to do the things needed to make her more interested in you.

I'll have to disagree with you on this. Assuming she was sexually attractive to him before they were married and he hasn't become obese, she can will herself to be sexually attracted to him, she just needs to want to. A lot of hang-ups about sex are emotional and some are mental. If she is in a rut and is mentally not happy then lack of sex is a natural consequence. However, if she decides that she's had enough of her pity party and wants to get out of the rut, positive thinking, a good attitude and some thoughts about sex really help. I was in a very negative emotional and mental state after having to go back to work after my second child. I was miserable and everything around me sucked. I didn't want sex at all. Once I realized that all I was doing was making things worse, I made myself try to think about the good things and not dwell on the bad. Once I did, I was able to think about doing small things with my husband my sex drive came back.

I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying every female will want to do it. Its good that the men in here want to work on it and they should, it'll help but SHE also has to take ownership of her sexuality and mood.

Sex is very mental. She could be unhappy with him, but doesn't want to leave? If she is, good luck trying to get the spark back... It could also be that she is bored, and he doesn't do it for her anymore.

OP> Does she drink? If she does, try getting her drunk. If she will be sexual with you when she is drunk, it is either A. stress or B. you that is turning her off while she is sober.

 

[datonn]

Sex is very mental.

She could be unhappy with him, but doesn't want to leave? If she is, good luck trying to get the spark back... It could also be that she is bored, and he doesn't do it for her anymore.

OP> Does she drink? If she does, try getting her drunk. If she will be sexual with you when she is drunk, it is either A. stress or B. you that is turning her off while she is sober.

Neither of us drink. MAYBE 2-3 drinks a year. That's about it.

 

[Steve Tasker]

Has anyone suggested seeing a certified analyst/therapist yet?

You mean, an analrapist?

 

[iamsmilin]

I'll have to disagree with you on this. Assuming she was sexually attractive to him before they were married and he hasn't become obese, she can will herself to be sexually attracted to him, she just needs to want to. A lot of hang-ups about sex are emotional and some are mental. If she is in a rut and is mentally not happy then lack of sex is a natural consequence. However, if she decides that she's had enough of her pity party and wants to get out of the rut, positive thinking, a good attitude and some thoughts about sex really help.

I was in a very negative emotional and mental state after having to go back to work after my second child. I was miserable and everything around me sucked. I didn't want sex at all. Once I realized that all I was doing was making things worse, I made myself try to think about the good things and not dwell on the bad. Once I did, I was able to think about doing small things with my husband my sex drive came back.

I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying every female will want to do it. Its good that the men in here want to work on it and they should, it'll help but SHE also has to take ownership of her sexuality and mood.

Yep. That was the most frustrating part of marriage counseling for me. The idea that I needed to do/provide the sun, moon and stars just to try and thaw that iceberg that had killed her sex drive all these years. I kept saying/thinking "no...I'm already a good provider (80-90% of our annual income), I spend probably 15-20+ solo hours with the kids every week, I do most of the dishes, picking up around the house, at least half of the laundry, etc. If she expects A/B/C and X/Y/Z from me in order to be in the mood, then shouldn't she expect to have to put forth ANY effort to keep *ME* interested?"That's been my biggest frustration with all of this...the double-standard. Whenever I turn the conversation around to be about her, she'll talk about feeling the brunt of the childcare responsibilities, the cooking, etc. To which I reply: "And?!" If I can't count working 65-70+ hours/week to provide our family with financial security, probably 15-20 hours/week cleaning up after three other people (at least a couple hours/day, counting laundry), etc., then she can't count taking care of the kids, cooking, et al as putting forth effort to keep me interested/happy. Yet it always gets twisted back into what I'm not doing for her. Little/no focus or time spent on what she isn't doing for me.

Which is when I essentially checked out of the relationship. I do the work of probably two normal people to keep everything humming around here, and I'm not doing enough? While at the same time getting maybe five meals a week that she'll cook where I get to join her and the kids...while picking up after all three of them on a daily basis? #### that. It's a bit childish, but I've been on strike in our relationship (no flowers, no cards, no whispering sweet-nothings in her ear) for years. Because she's been on strike from our relationship for that time plus an additional 2-3 years. I didn't #### up our relationship. She did...while we were in the process of losing her mom and then became parents. So if she wants to have a marriage, a loving relationship, *AND* she's waiting for me to bend over backwards to make her feel special/appreciated?! Seriously...we'll end up divorced before that happens. I get treated like #### on a daily basis, and I'm the one who needs to do/offer more?!

Like I said, that's the double-standard that I cannot stand. My stubbornness might ultimately end up splitting us up...but I'm supposed to apologize for the problems in our relationship and take ownership of said problems?! Not 50% ownership...I'm talking 80-100% ownership. That'll happen, over my dead, cold body.

This is exactly the situation I am talking about where mental block is at work. Taking you for your word, you sound like a great husband. She can't let go of the past and talk through what she thinks happened so there is nothing that you can do to make it better. She needs to let go of whatever it is that making her so cold. If she can hopefully you can fix your marriage. If not then you have a lot to consider. I think you're a better person than me. If I were confronted with this attitude I would just say F it, I'll show you how little I can actually contribute.

 

[dickey moe]

I'll take the sex with a 2 over killing myself for a 10. On some level, looks are overrated anyway, and 2's usually try a lot harder because they know they are 2's. I've never been a believer in the trophy spouse aspect of relationships so I really don't care what other people think or say.

I'll take "Things a chubby chaser would say" for $500.

I really wasn't even thinking of weight. IS that in the hype-o? Anything over like 200 pounds is a problem.I hate these things. The question never has enough information and the mental gymnastics get frustrating.

if someone is rated a 2, yea they are going to be overwieght

Pair of skinny deuces.

Christ Almighty.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

Has anyone suggested seeing a certified analyst/therapist yet?

You mean, an analrapist?

Somebody called me?

 

[datonn]

This is exactly the situation I am talking about where mental block is at work. Taking you for your word, you sound like a great husband. She can't let go of the past and talk through what she thinks happened so there is nothing that you can do to make it better. She needs to let go of whatever it is that making her so cold. If she can hopefully you can fix your marriage. If not then you have a lot to consider. I think you're a better person than me. If I were confronted with this attitude I would just say F it, I'll show you how little I can actually contribute.

Thanks. I'm far from the perfect husband (heck, who could be perfect?), but I am not nearly so bad that I deserve what I have(n't) gotten the past 7-8+ years. It's not like I'm out screwing around...chasing skirts, getting hammered with the boys, blowing through thousands of dollars on nothing (that makes it harder for us to pay our bills and provide for our children). In that department, I'm a model citizen. Probably TOO boring! Never cheated. Don't do drugs/alcohol. Don't spend more than $500/year on myself and my personal hobbies/interests. Don't spend more than 2-3 hours/week playing disc golf with my buddy. Etc. I'm here. I'm loyal. I provide. Etc, etc.She just never forgave me for feeling like I wasn't there for her in her hour of greatest emotional need. At least not in the way she wanted me to be. Where anger/frustration creeps in for me, related to that issue, is:1. We BOTH suffered loss. She lost her Mom, but we both lost our "middle child" (second trimester miscarriage). That, and I lost both my grandparents who served as "Dad" for me growing up while my Dad was MIA with his bipolar. Did I mention I had to go to my grandfather's funeral alone besides? Driving about 6-7 hours that day, only to have the fight of my life to keep it all together. On top of losing my youngest cousin to a drunk driving accident...then seeing the world of one of my favorite sets of aunt/uncle fall apart (my uncle married us, and I was always close with them).2. That the responsibility for her losing her interest/drive is placed on me. Her sex drive was never very high to begin with (always had self-esteem issues...since she "developed early" and is rather well-endowed, but didn't like the kind of attention that came with that). However, it went from "scarce" to "MIA" after our oldest was born and her Mom died. I know I could don an apron, cook every meal, get the kids dressed and ready for school, et al (on top of what I am already doing for the family) and her "drive" will still be MIA. Yet she'll find any/every excuse she can for her lack of drive not being on her. Usually projected on to me. I don't ___________ enough. I work too much. Etc. If she wants to continue playing those games and not own up to her own responsibility/accountability for that important part of our relationship being missing, then basically we're on a sinking ship. We can each grab buckets and start bailing...but we're going to ultimately sink. It just depends upon whether we're afloat 6+ days, months, or years.I hope I don't come off as too much of a jerk in what I've shared! I just have given/sacrificed to the point where it is harming my physical and mental health these past 7-8 years...and being asked to give even more while she refused to own her fair-share of the blame/responsibility for what has become of our marriage is more than I can tolerate.

 

[mr. furley]

(1) She said she has had mono four times in the last year,

come on

 

[urbanhack]

This is exactly the situation I am talking about where mental block is at work. Taking you for your word, you sound like a great husband. She can't let go of the past and talk through what she thinks happened so there is nothing that you can do to make it better. She needs to let go of whatever it is that making her so cold. If she can hopefully you can fix your marriage. If not then you have a lot to consider. I think you're a better person than me. If I were confronted with this attitude I would just say F it, I'll show you how little I can actually contribute.

Thanks. I'm far from the perfect husband (heck, who could be perfect?), but I am not nearly so bad that I deserve what I have(n't) gotten the past 7-8+ years. It's not like I'm out screwing around...chasing skirts, getting hammered with the boys, blowing through thousands of dollars on nothing (that makes it harder for us to pay our bills and provide for our children). In that department, I'm a model citizen. Probably TOO boring! Never cheated. Don't do drugs/alcohol. Don't spend more than $500/year on myself and my personal hobbies/interests. Don't spend more than 2-3 hours/week playing disc golf with my buddy. Etc. I'm here. I'm loyal. I provide. Etc, etc.She just never forgave me for feeling like I wasn't there for her in her hour of greatest emotional need. At least not in the way she wanted me to be. Where anger/frustration creeps in for me, related to that issue, is:1. We BOTH suffered loss. She lost her Mom, but we both lost our "middle child" (second trimester miscarriage). That, and I lost both my grandparents who served as "Dad" for me growing up while my Dad was MIA with his bipolar. Did I mention I had to go to my grandfather's funeral alone besides? Driving about 6-7 hours that day, only to have the fight of my life to keep it all together. On top of losing my youngest cousin to a drunk driving accident...then seeing the world of one of my favorite sets of aunt/uncle fall apart (my uncle married us, and I was always close with them).2. That the responsibility for her losing her interest/drive is placed on me. Her sex drive was never very high to begin with (always had self-esteem issues...since she "developed early" and is rather well-endowed, but didn't like the kind of attention that came with that). However, it went from "scarce" to "MIA" after our oldest was born and her Mom died. I know I could don an apron, cook every meal, get the kids dressed and ready for school, et al (on top of what I am already doing for the family) and her "drive" will still be MIA. Yet she'll find any/every excuse she can for her lack of drive not being on her. Usually projected on to me. I don't ___________ enough. I work too much. Etc. If she wants to continue playing those games and not own up to her own responsibility/accountability for that important part of our relationship being missing, then basically we're on a sinking ship. We can each grab buckets and start bailing...but we're going to ultimately sink. It just depends upon whether we're afloat 6+ days, months, or years.I hope I don't come off as too much of a jerk in what I've shared! I just have given/sacrificed to the point where it is harming my physical and mental health these past 7-8 years...and being asked to give even more while she refused to own her fair-share of the blame/responsibility for what has become of our marriage is more than I can tolerate.

Nothing wrong with your line of thinking. If you are going to be happy in this life, you need to take care of yourself first and then everyone else next...at least physically and emotionally. Sounds like you are a good guy and that things just haven't turned out all that great even though you've been there for her in several ways. Tough situation. Best of luck.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

This is exactly the situation I am talking about where mental block is at work. Taking you for your word, you sound like a great husband. She can't let go of the past and talk through what she thinks happened so there is nothing that you can do to make it better. She needs to let go of whatever it is that making her so cold. If she can hopefully you can fix your marriage. If not then you have a lot to consider. I think you're a better person than me. If I were confronted with this attitude I would just say F it, I'll show you how little I can actually contribute.

Thanks. I'm far from the perfect husband (heck, who could be perfect?), but I am not nearly so bad that I deserve what I have(n't) gotten the past 7-8+ years. It's not like I'm out screwing around...chasing skirts, getting hammered with the boys, blowing through thousands of dollars on nothing (that makes it harder for us to pay our bills and provide for our children). In that department, I'm a model citizen. Probably TOO boring! Never cheated. Don't do drugs/alcohol. Don't spend more than $500/year on myself and my personal hobbies/interests. Don't spend more than 2-3 hours/week playing disc golf with my buddy. Etc. I'm here. I'm loyal. I provide. Etc, etc.She just never forgave me for feeling like I wasn't there for her in her hour of greatest emotional need. At least not in the way she wanted me to be. Where anger/frustration creeps in for me, related to that issue, is:1. We BOTH suffered loss. She lost her Mom, but we both lost our "middle child" (second trimester miscarriage). That, and I lost both my grandparents who served as "Dad" for me growing up while my Dad was MIA with his bipolar. Did I mention I had to go to my grandfather's funeral alone besides? Driving about 6-7 hours that day, only to have the fight of my life to keep it all together. On top of losing my youngest cousin to a drunk driving accident...then seeing the world of one of my favorite sets of aunt/uncle fall apart (my uncle married us, and I was always close with them).2. That the responsibility for her losing her interest/drive is placed on me. Her sex drive was never very high to begin with (always had self-esteem issues...since she "developed early" and is rather well-endowed, but didn't like the kind of attention that came with that). However, it went from "scarce" to "MIA" after our oldest was born and her Mom died. I know I could don an apron, cook every meal, get the kids dressed and ready for school, et al (on top of what I am already doing for the family) and her "drive" will still be MIA. Yet she'll find any/every excuse she can for her lack of drive not being on her. Usually projected on to me. I don't ___________ enough. I work too much. Etc. If she wants to continue playing those games and not own up to her own responsibility/accountability for that important part of our relationship being missing, then basically we're on a sinking ship. We can each grab buckets and start bailing...but we're going to ultimately sink. It just depends upon whether we're afloat 6+ days, months, or years.I hope I don't come off as too much of a jerk in what I've shared! I just have given/sacrificed to the point where it is harming my physical and mental health these past 7-8 years...and being asked to give even more while she refused to own her fair-share of the blame/responsibility for what has become of our marriage is more than I can tolerate.

You only live once dude. You sound like a hell of a guy and I hope you don't spend the rest of your life in your current situation. I thought I had it bad, Jesus Harold Christ.

 

[Sweet J]

(1) She said she has had mono four times in the last year,

come on

Seriously. Get the hell out of this thing.

 

[Shutterbug]

(1) She said she has had mono four times in the last year,

come on

Seriously. Get the hell out of this thing.

 

[FUBAR]

Two odd points of the session:

Counselor asked "If I had magical powers, and came in the middle of the night and made both of you happy, but did not tell you, when would you know the next day you are happy?" WTF?

I can guess what both of you were thinking. Mars, meet Venus. Keep orbiting each other for another billion years.

It wasn't WHAT would make us happy, he is going to make that happen magically. It was HOW do we know we were happy?I think he was fishing for some kind of answer about waking up in each other's arms or something, but neither of us took the bait. Really neither of us even understood the question at the time.

It's a play on "The Miracle Question" used by Solution Focused therapists. I'm finishing up a Masters in Counseling and plan to incorporate SFT strategies pretty heavily into my practice. It's an evidence based approach, so there is research to show that it's effective.Not sure about the breaks, though. There are breaks in the Milan approach, but thats so that team members can consult and brainstorm strategies. This guy was by himself, right?

Sorry, man, don't mean to knock your profession but someone asked me this:"Suppose our meeting is over, you go home, do whatever you planned to do for the rest of the day. And then, some time in the evening, you get tired and go to sleep. And in the middle of the night, when you are fast asleep, a miracle happens and all the problems that brought you here today are solved just like that. But since the miracle happened overnight nobody is telling you that the miracle happened. When you wake up the next morning, how are you going to start discovering that the miracle happened? ... What else are you going to notice? What else?"

....I'd ask for a refund and walk out.

I wouldn't word it that way. There are a variety of ways to put it. I usually keep it simple:"Suppose you woke up tomorrow and all your problems were gone. What would it look like? What would be going on?"

The idea is that you're getting the client to talk about what they want their life to be like. In that way, you're getting the client to define their goals for therapy, instead of you as the counselor imposing the goals on them. When people come up with their own goals, they're much more likely to follow through with them.

the book Switch covers this fairly well although briefly. It makes sense to me, move past the problem to the solution. Might be overly simplistic when it comes to dealing with other stubborn people while it makes more sense for those dealing with personal problems - overeating, alcoholism, etc. Still a book and a style I'd consider. I read (listened to MP3 version while running) to help me think about ways to improve my organization but it seems like it could help marriage too.

 

[FUBAR]

I'll have to disagree with you on this. Assuming she was sexually attractive to him before they were married and he hasn't become obese, she can will herself to be sexually attracted to him, she just needs to want to. A lot of hang-ups about sex are emotional and some are mental. If she is in a rut and is mentally not happy then lack of sex is a natural consequence. However, if she decides that she's had enough of her pity party and wants to get out of the rut, positive thinking, a good attitude and some thoughts about sex really help.

I was in a very negative emotional and mental state after having to go back to work after my second child. I was miserable and everything around me sucked. I didn't want sex at all. Once I realized that all I was doing was making things worse, I made myself try to think about the good things and not dwell on the bad. Once I did, I was able to think about doing small things with my husband my sex drive came back.

I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying every female will want to do it. Its good that the men in here want to work on it and they should, it'll help but SHE also has to take ownership of her sexuality and mood.

We were in a big time rut for a few years (not quite as bad as datonn describes, but bad enough) until she had a good conversation with an old friend about divorce and how her relationship went wrong. She finally took the initiative and essentially forced herself to be interested. It got a lot better after that. Maybe a similar conversation with a trusted friend would help her?

 

[Clifford]

Not that I know a lot but I do know that women don't respect men who act desperate, they can walk all over, or who whine about not getting any. They claim to want sensitive men but they reay want a guy who can tame charge both in the house and the bed.

So if they're acting like #####es treat them like #####es.

 

[BigJim®]

He asked me what was the one thing that I was most unhappy about. Fastball right down the middle. I said it was the intimacy. Gave the details: nothing for 8 months, 3-4 times a year for six years. Wife responds that her health just hasn't made her want it. Fine, she wants to go that way, I will let her have it this day, but we both know that there is more. The counselor starts out by saying that intimacy is very important, even in the Bible it's important, but then goes off on this tangent that our society puts emphasis on certain parts of marriage (read: sex) that don't always have to have that emphasis. He talked about that if we were "best friends" (He hears "friendly roommates" and that we don't argue or fight and hears "best friends") that we can fix anything.

The basic problem is she isn't sexually attracted to you. We know this because she isn't having sex with you. The health issue she states is probably just a rationalization to justify not having sex with you.The counselor has the situation ###-backwards in that he's trying to diminish the importance of the sex in the relationship, when it is in fact the major problem in the relationship. You aren't getting laid, so you're pissed off / hurt / horny. She doesn't want to have sex with you, so she's resentful / confused / depressed.

I'm sorry to hear the session went like that. Really no-win if this counselor validates a no-sex friendship marriage. It's shocking to me actually. Could be he needed time to get to know your situation, and he always begins there. If that approach persisted another session, I'd openly say I'm looking for a normal marital relationship, and this therapy direction is not going to help.

 

[Bogart]

He asked me what was the one thing that I was most unhappy about. Fastball right down the middle. I said it was the intimacy. Gave the details: nothing for 8 months, 3-4 times a year for six years. Wife responds that her health just hasn't made her want it. Fine, she wants to go that way, I will let her have it this day, but we both know that there is more. The counselor starts out by saying that intimacy is very important, even in the Bible it's important, but then goes off on this tangent that our society puts emphasis on certain parts of marriage (read: sex) that don't always have to have that emphasis. He talked about that if we were "best friends" (He hears "friendly roommates" and that we don't argue or fight and hears "best friends") that we can fix anything.

The basic problem is she isn't sexually attracted to you. We know this because she isn't having sex with you. The health issue she states is probably just a rationalization to justify not having sex with you.The counselor has the situation ###-backwards in that he's trying to diminish the importance of the sex in the relationship, when it is in fact the major problem in the relationship. You aren't getting laid, so you're pissed off / hurt / horny. She doesn't want to have sex with you, so she's resentful / confused / depressed.

I'm sorry to hear the session went like that. Really no-win if this counselor validates a no-sex friendship marriage. It's shocking to me actually. Could be he needed time to get to know your situation, and he always begins there. If that approach persisted another session, I'd openly say I'm looking for a normal marital relationship, and this therapy direction is not going to help.

I have been playing the session over and over in my mind this weekend, and completely understand if he needs to make both side comfortable early on. But if this is the path he is going to take, then I am done with him.Went really Beta, kind of on accident, this weekend and played it out, just to see if got any kind of reaction. Let the wife sleep in both Saturday and Sunday, did the grocery shopping on Saturday morning, spent 6 hours on Saturday getting her mom set up with Internet and teaching her the basics of being on the Internet. This included driving out to the provider to pick up the modem and router and a trip to Best Buy for cables. Sunday spent the whole day with the kids so that my wife could sew and play in her craft room. Didn't get a sound from her. In fact the only emotion I got this weekend was I cleaned the fridge out and left a ton of dishes in the sink before I went to help her Mom. She complained about doing them when I got home.I'm not perfect, but I have to agree with datonn when I feel like I do more than my fair share and she shouldn't be turning off the relations because she is stressed out about doing everything. 11 days until session two and I think it may be a 50/50 chance that we make it to that session without me telling her that I want out before then.

 

[iamsmilin]

I'll have to disagree with you on this. Assuming she was sexually attractive to him before they were married and he hasn't become obese, she can will herself to be sexually attracted to him, she just needs to want to. A lot of hang-ups about sex are emotional and some are mental. If she is in a rut and is mentally not happy then lack of sex is a natural consequence. However, if she decides that she's had enough of her pity party and wants to get out of the rut, positive thinking, a good attitude and some thoughts about sex really help.

I was in a very negative emotional and mental state after having to go back to work after my second child. I was miserable and everything around me sucked. I didn't want sex at all. Once I realized that all I was doing was making things worse, I made myself try to think about the good things and not dwell on the bad. Once I did, I was able to think about doing small things with my husband my sex drive came back.

I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying every female will want to do it. Its good that the men in here want to work on it and they should, it'll help but SHE also has to take ownership of her sexuality and mood.

We were in a big time rut for a few years (not quite as bad as datonn describes, but bad enough) until she had a good conversation with an old friend about divorce and how her relationship went wrong. She finally took the initiative and essentially forced herself to be interested. It got a lot better after that. Maybe a similar conversation with a trusted friend would help her?

You know the funny thing about sex? The more you have it, the more you think about it, the more you want it. Just have to start the cycle. I agree that she needs to have someone other than you point it out to her.

 

[Zegras11]

He asked me what was the one thing that I was most unhappy about. Fastball right down the middle. I said it was the intimacy. Gave the details: nothing for 8 months, 3-4 times a year for six years. Wife responds that her health just hasn't made her want it. Fine, she wants to go that way, I will let her have it this day, but we both know that there is more. The counselor starts out by saying that intimacy is very important, even in the Bible it's important, but then goes off on this tangent that our society puts emphasis on certain parts of marriage (read: sex) that don't always have to have that emphasis. He talked about that if we were "best friends" (He hears "friendly roommates" and that we don't argue or fight and hears "best friends") that we can fix anything.

The basic problem is she isn't sexually attracted to you. We know this because she isn't having sex with you. The health issue she states is probably just a rationalization to justify not having sex with you.The counselor has the situation ###-backwards in that he's trying to diminish the importance of the sex in the relationship, when it is in fact the major problem in the relationship. You aren't getting laid, so you're pissed off / hurt / horny. She doesn't want to have sex with you, so she's resentful / confused / depressed.

I'm sorry to hear the session went like that. Really no-win if this counselor validates a no-sex friendship marriage. It's shocking to me actually. Could be he needed time to get to know your situation, and he always begins there. If that approach persisted another session, I'd openly say I'm looking for a normal marital relationship, and this therapy direction is not going to help.

I have been playing the session over and over in my mind this weekend, and completely understand if he needs to make both side comfortable early on. But if this is the path he is going to take, then I am done with him.Went really Beta, kind of on accident, this weekend and played it out, just to see if got any kind of reaction. Let the wife sleep in both Saturday and Sunday, did the grocery shopping on Saturday morning, spent 6 hours on Saturday getting her mom set up with Internet and teaching her the basics of being on the Internet. This included driving out to the provider to pick up the modem and router and a trip to Best Buy for cables. Sunday spent the whole day with the kids so that my wife could sew and play in her craft room. Didn't get a sound from her. In fact the only emotion I got this weekend was I cleaned the fridge out and left a ton of dishes in the sink before I went to help her Mom. She complained about doing them when I got home.I'm not perfect, but I have to agree with datonn when I feel like I do more than my fair share and she shouldn't be turning off the relations because she is stressed out about doing everything. 11 days until session two and I think it may be a 50/50 chance that we make it to that session without me telling her that I want out before then.

go heavy next seven days on the alpha GL

 

[iamsmilin]

He asked me what was the one thing that I was most unhappy about. Fastball right down the middle. I said it was the intimacy. Gave the details: nothing for 8 months, 3-4 times a year for six years. Wife responds that her health just hasn't made her want it. Fine, she wants to go that way, I will let her have it this day, but we both know that there is more. The counselor starts out by saying that intimacy is very important, even in the Bible it's important, but then goes off on this tangent that our society puts emphasis on certain parts of marriage (read: sex) that don't always have to have that emphasis. He talked about that if we were "best friends" (He hears "friendly roommates" and that we don't argue or fight and hears "best friends") that we can fix anything.

The basic problem is she isn't sexually attracted to you. We know this because she isn't having sex with you. The health issue she states is probably just a rationalization to justify not having sex with you.The counselor has the situation ###-backwards in that he's trying to diminish the importance of the sex in the relationship, when it is in fact the major problem in the relationship. You aren't getting laid, so you're pissed off / hurt / horny. She doesn't want to have sex with you, so she's resentful / confused / depressed.

I'm sorry to hear the session went like that. Really no-win if this counselor validates a no-sex friendship marriage. It's shocking to me actually. Could be he needed time to get to know your situation, and he always begins there. If that approach persisted another session, I'd openly say I'm looking for a normal marital relationship, and this therapy direction is not going to help.

I have been playing the session over and over in my mind this weekend, and completely understand if he needs to make both side comfortable early on. But if this is the path he is going to take, then I am done with him.Went really Beta, kind of on accident, this weekend and played it out, just to see if got any kind of reaction. Let the wife sleep in both Saturday and Sunday, did the grocery shopping on Saturday morning, spent 6 hours on Saturday getting her mom set up with Internet and teaching her the basics of being on the Internet. This included driving out to the provider to pick up the modem and router and a trip to Best Buy for cables. Sunday spent the whole day with the kids so that my wife could sew and play in her craft room. Didn't get a sound from her. In fact the only emotion I got this weekend was I cleaned the fridge out and left a ton of dishes in the sink before I went to help her Mom. She complained about doing them when I got home.I'm not perfect, but I have to agree with datonn when I feel like I do more than my fair share and she shouldn't be turning off the relations because she is stressed out about doing everything. 11 days until session two and I think it may be a 50/50 chance that we make it to that session without me telling her that I want out before then.

go heavy next seven days on the alpha GL

I'd like to hear the results of that.

 

[Tiny Dancer]

You know the funny thing about sex? The more you have it, the more you think about it, the more you want it.

That would not have been my answer for "the funny thing about sex." I'm also skeptical that it's true, at least for me. If anything I think about sex more when I'm getting less.

 

[urbanhack]

I'll have to disagree with you on this. Assuming she was sexually attractive to him before they were married and he hasn't become obese, she can will herself to be sexually attracted to him, she just needs to want to. A lot of hang-ups about sex are emotional and some are mental. If she is in a rut and is mentally not happy then lack of sex is a natural consequence. However, if she decides that she's had enough of her pity party and wants to get out of the rut, positive thinking, a good attitude and some thoughts about sex really help.

I was in a very negative emotional and mental state after having to go back to work after my second child. I was miserable and everything around me sucked. I didn't want sex at all. Once I realized that all I was doing was making things worse, I made myself try to think about the good things and not dwell on the bad. Once I did, I was able to think about doing small things with my husband my sex drive came back.

I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying every female will want to do it. Its good that the men in here want to work on it and they should, it'll help but SHE also has to take ownership of her sexuality and mood.

We were in a big time rut for a few years (not quite as bad as datonn describes, but bad enough) until she had a good conversation with an old friend about divorce and how her relationship went wrong. She finally took the initiative and essentially forced herself to be interested. It got a lot better after that. Maybe a similar conversation with a trusted friend would help her?

You know the funny thing about sex? The more you have it, the more you think about it, the more you want it. Just have to start the cycle. I agree that she needs to have someone other than you point it out to her.

 

[Tiny Dancer]

You know the funny thing about sex? The more you have it, the more you think about it, the more you want it. Just have to start the cycle.

Hmmm, I had dismissed this when iamsmilin said it because I thought it probably was a gender thing. Maybe it isn't.

 

[urbanhack]

You know the funny thing about sex? The more you have it, the more you think about it, the more you want it. Just have to start the cycle.

Hmmm, I had dismissed this when iamsmilin said it because I thought it probably was a gender thing. Maybe it isn't.

Maybe it's more of the inverse that is more true. The less you have it, the harder it is to do.

 

[Bogart]

I have been playing the session over and over in my mind this weekend, and completely understand if he needs to make both side comfortable early on. But if this is the path he is going to take, then I am done with him.Went really Beta, kind of on accident, this weekend and played it out, just to see if got any kind of reaction. Let the wife sleep in both Saturday and Sunday, did the grocery shopping on Saturday morning, spent 6 hours on Saturday getting her mom set up with Internet and teaching her the basics of being on the Internet. This included driving out to the provider to pick up the modem and router and a trip to Best Buy for cables. Sunday spent the whole day with the kids so that my wife could sew and play in her craft room. Didn't get a sound from her. In fact the only emotion I got this weekend was I cleaned the fridge out and left a ton of dishes in the sink before I went to help her Mom. She complained about doing them when I got home.I'm not perfect, but I have to agree with datonn when I feel like I do more than my fair share and she shouldn't be turning off the relations because she is stressed out about doing everything. 11 days until session two and I think it may be a 50/50 chance that we make it to that session without me telling her that I want out before then.

go heavy next seven days on the alpha GL

I'd like to hear the results of that.

Worth a try. Nothing else is working. The biggest Alpha thing I am going to do this week is talk in depth about session one. This not talking in between going is not going to work.

 

[Bogart]

You know the funny thing about sex? The more you have it, the more you think about it, the more you want it. Just have to start the cycle.

Hmmm, I had dismissed this when iamsmilin said it because I thought it probably was a gender thing. Maybe it isn't.

Maybe it's more of the inverse that is more true. The less you have it, the harder it is to do.

I agree completely with this. I told my wife a few weeks back when we first started bringing everything out, that after 10 years of marriage she should know every button to push (and willing to push them) and the same for me. It should be this fun little secret game between the two of us that no one else knows about.But when you don't have sex for long stretches (3-4 times a year), there is no connection, there is no understanding each other. It's like having sex for the first time again and again. And to be honest, over the last few years, even those 3-4 times a year have just been bad.

As far as "the more you have it, the more you want it", my feeling has always been sex is like air, you don't think about it until it's not there.

 

[MikeIke]

I have been playing the session over and over in my mind this weekend, and completely understand if he needs to make both side comfortable early on. But if this is the path he is going to take, then I am done with him.Went really Beta, kind of on accident, this weekend and played it out, just to see if got any kind of reaction. Let the wife sleep in both Saturday and Sunday, did the grocery shopping on Saturday morning, spent 6 hours on Saturday getting her mom set up with Internet and teaching her the basics of being on the Internet. This included driving out to the provider to pick up the modem and router and a trip to Best Buy for cables. Sunday spent the whole day with the kids so that my wife could sew and play in her craft room. Didn't get a sound from her. In fact the only emotion I got this weekend was I cleaned the fridge out and left a ton of dishes in the sink before I went to help her Mom. She complained about doing them when I got home.I'm not perfect, but I have to agree with datonn when I feel like I do more than my fair share and she shouldn't be turning off the relations because she is stressed out about doing everything. 11 days until session two and I think it may be a 50/50 chance that we make it to that session without me telling her that I want out before then.

Oof, sorry, GB. This is the kind of thing I get all the time, too. You go out of your way to make a pleasant day for her, and end up getting nitpicked to the point where you just want to get in the car and drive away very quickly.Good luck to you.

 

[Tiny Dancer]

It's like having sex for the first time again and again.

Now I'm really confused.

 

[shadyridr]

I'll have to disagree with you on this. Assuming she was sexually attractive to him before they were married and he hasn't become obese, she can will herself to be sexually attracted to him, she just needs to want to. A lot of hang-ups about sex are emotional and some are mental. If she is in a rut and is mentally not happy then lack of sex is a natural consequence. However, if she decides that she's had enough of her pity party and wants to get out of the rut, positive thinking, a good attitude and some thoughts about sex really help.

I was in a very negative emotional and mental state after having to go back to work after my second child. I was miserable and everything around me sucked. I didn't want sex at all. Once I realized that all I was doing was making things worse, I made myself try to think about the good things and not dwell on the bad. Once I did, I was able to think about doing small things with my husband my sex drive came back.

I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying every female will want to do it. Its good that the men in here want to work on it and they should, it'll help but SHE also has to take ownership of her sexuality and mood.

We were in a big time rut for a few years (not quite as bad as datonn describes, but bad enough) until she had a good conversation with an old friend about divorce and how her relationship went wrong. She finally took the initiative and essentially forced herself to be interested. It got a lot better after that. Maybe a similar conversation with a trusted friend would help her?

You know the funny thing about sex? The more you have it, the more you think about it, the more you want it. Just have to start the cycle. I agree that she needs to have someone other than you point it out to her.

So true. Sometimes the wife and I will go a week or so without it for whatever reason ad then when we do have sex we will inevitabily have it the next day as well.

 

[culdeus]

Instead of a marital counselor is there such a thing as a sex counselor?

 

[urbanhack]

Instead of a marital counselor is there such a thing as a sex counselor?

Yes.

 

[Tiny Dancer]

Instead of a marital counselor is there such a thing as a sex counselor?

Yes.

Yes, I've seen some very informative Cinemax films on the subject.

 

[shadyridr]

Instead of a marital counselor is there such a thing as a sex counselor?

backachickawowow

 

[culdeus]

Instead of a marital counselor is there such a thing as a sex counselor?

Yes.

If these two aren't fighting over the normal stuff it seems likely to get better results this way?

 

[JFT Ben]

You have to make the first move. Female sexuality is responsive to male sexuality. She can't will herself to be sexually interested in you, but you can will yourself to do the things needed to make her more interested in you.Immediate steps.(1) If you lack in fitness, start working out.(2) Have a serious sit down talk with her that you have lost the plot as a couple and need to change things.(3) Apologize for the mistake of tending to the house/work aspect of things instead of her during the crisis eight years ago. Yes I know you were well intentioned and apologizing isn't "fair", but at this point you just want to get unstuck. This is a ONE TIME apology. Never apologize for it again, always refer back to the apology.(4) Start kissing her for at least ten seconds 2-3 times a day.(5) Buy my book on Amazon

Brief summary of reading Athol's stuff (blog, book) plus other blogs with similar philosophies, after three weeks. I was prevoius very beta around her, though fairly balanced in all other things and more alpha in dealing with our children.1) I'm in shape, but wasn't working to a plan. Started to get passionate about exercising again, and doing it with other people, dropped pounds, started lifting weights, feeling really good about myself2) Started acting more alpha, responding to her s-tests in a manner I wasn't before, passing them more3) Told my wife directly, when the opportunities arose, that she needed improve her habits that were lazy or detrimental to our family or me.4) Made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that something had changed inside me (which it has) that makes me feel full of energy, in a much better mood, and full of confidence. In addition to working out with a passion and doing more activites with friends or alone, I've purchased a few new clothes including new underwear which is something I rarely do (spend money on myself for these types of things).5) Have been much more directly sexual, not appologizing for my advances on her, and umm... taking care of myself right there if advances were denied. Asked for other favors (non intercourse) from her that were granted (noted in Athol's book as alternative to sex).6) Implemented 10-second kiss every day, or some semblence thereof. I told her a peck is what I give my grandmother. She giggles nearly every time, but complies.Besides the ineveitable beta-backsliding on occasion, I feel I'm making progress in this and my wife and I are communicating better. It's taking patience, as it is truly 2 steps forward, 1 back as we are both adjusting to the new dynamic and changes I've made. Other noted results:1) She asked if I was cheating (basicallys, she's now a little jealous of me, but the question was a s-test, which I passed by giving sarcastic answers instead of answering directly)2) After advances were denied over this past weekend, the next morning we had a long heart-to-heart about our intimacy and some issues that she had about self-image that I didn't realize were such a big deal.3) Piggy-back on the previous, but I told her honestly that the exuses she was using/used over the last 10-years (tired, stressed from work, etc.) were just that and she needed to figure out her issues. She said something like "I guess I can't just slide anymore with you in these matters, can I?"4) She said I found my mojo again, and was hoping to find hers.5) I also said that I realize that I can only improve myself and have no impact on her or her perceptions. She seemed a little taken aback by this statement, not sure why, maybe a jealousy thing.Honestly, Athol's stuff works but it takes some balls to implement it and be more alpha. Our marriage isn't perfect, but it's getting better and our communication in this key area is improving and both my wife and I appear committed to improving. Talking honestly on this issue (in the light of day) is something that rarely, if ever, has happened. Good luck to others out there. Obviously, the nuclear option (Divorce) is the last resort, but in some cases that's the only option left for your own happiness. As these changes galvanize within me, I believe that any of the three options would be acceptable for personal happiness, but for me 1 or 3 are morally right: [1] - Work on issues, both parties improve, both parties happy with results [2] cheat or [3] Divorce.

 

[Giant Wooden Badger]

5) Have been much more directly sexual, not appologizing for my advances on her, and umm... taking care of myself right there if advances were denied.

So if she isn't in the mood you just whip it out right there and go at it alone?C'mon, man.

 

[JFT Ben]

5) Have been much more directly sexual, not appologizing for my advances on her, and umm... taking care of myself right there if advances were denied.

So if she isn't in the mood you just whip it out right there and go at it alone?C'mon, man.

..or half the time now ask for a hand. Either way is fine, sometimes it escalates. I feel like George Castanza doing the opposite of most of my instincts, nothing to lose compared to the norm.

 

[Giant Wooden Badger]

5) Have been much more directly sexual, not appologizing for my advances on her, and umm... taking care of myself right there if advances were denied.

So if she isn't in the mood you just whip it out right there and go at it alone?C'mon, man.

..or half the time now ask for a hand. Either way is fine, sometimes it escalates. I feel like George Castanza doing the opposite of most of my instincts, nothing to lose compared to the norm.

Bravo

 

[iamsmilin]

You know the funny thing about sex? The more you have it, the more you think about it, the more you want it.

That would not have been my answer for "the funny thing about sex." I'm also skeptical that it's true, at least for me. If anything I think about sex more when I'm getting less.

There maybe a gender bias but let me explain what I said. The more I have sex with my husband, the more I think about things that I want him to do or I want to do to him, which naturally causes me to want it more. It not just thinking, damn I want sex. It's more, thinking about specifics that get me in the mood. KWIM?

 

[FUBAR]

5) Have been much more directly sexual, not appologizing for my advances on her, and umm... taking care of myself right there if advances were denied.

So if she isn't in the mood you just whip it out right there and go at it alone?C'mon, man.

..or half the time now ask for a hand. Either way is fine, sometimes it escalates. I feel like George Castanza doing the opposite of most of my instincts, nothing to lose compared to the norm.

:subscribe: Where's your blog?

 

[tommyboy]

I thnk you dudes need to kick your wives out of th house. They aren't adding anything to the marriage and are in fact actively subtracting from it. Goodbye #####es.

 

[FUBAR]

It's like having sex for the first time again and again.

Now I'm really confused.

He's got it right. Not the romantic teenage love in the back of your Ford Escort on prom night, but the awkward "I wonder if she'll let me do..." type that I'm happy to be past. In some ways those moments were exciting as you never knew how far you could push it and every little bit was great. It became more anticipation of being frustrated. Instead of "awesome, she let me touch her boobie", it's "I'm sure she's going to reject my fingering her #####", but you try and get denied anyway. Or not even that, you just ask "hey, can we have sex" knowing she'll deny it. Either way, it's not pleasant.

 

[FUBAR]

You know the funny thing about sex? The more you have it, the more you think about it, the more you want it.

That would not have been my answer for "the funny thing about sex." I'm also skeptical that it's true, at least for me. If anything I think about sex more when I'm getting less.

There maybe a gender bias but let me explain what I said. The more I have sex with my husband, the more I think about things that I want him to do or I want to do to him, which naturally causes me to want it more. It not just thinking, damn I want sex. It's more, thinking about specifics that get me in the mood. KWIM?

Your man is a lucky guy.

 

[Tiny Dancer]

It's like having sex for the first time again and again.

Now I'm really confused.

He's got it right. Not the romantic teenage love in the back of your Ford Escort on prom night, but the awkward "I wonder if she'll let me do..." type that I'm happy to be past. In some ways those moments were exciting as you never knew how far you could push it and every little bit was great. It became more anticipation of being frustrated. Instead of "awesome, she let me touch her boobie", it's "I'm sure she's going to reject my fingering her #####", but you try and get denied anyway. Or not even that, you just ask "hey, can we have sex" knowing she'll deny it. Either way, it's not pleasant.

Doesn't this concept sort of contradict with the whole idea of "getting strange?" I thought there was a consensus from most folks (other than Pick and a few others) that having sex with your spouse was less exciting than having sex with someone else due to the familiarity.

 

[FUBAR]

It's like having sex for the first time again and again.

Now I'm really confused.

He's got it right. Not the romantic teenage love in the back of your Ford Escort on prom night, but the awkward "I wonder if she'll let me do..." type that I'm happy to be past. In some ways those moments were exciting as you never knew how far you could push it and every little bit was great. It became more anticipation of being frustrated. Instead of "awesome, she let me touch her boobie", it's "I'm sure she's going to reject my fingering her #####", but you try and get denied anyway. Or not even that, you just ask "hey, can we have sex" knowing she'll deny it. Either way, it's not pleasant.

Doesn't this concept sort of contradict with the whole idea of "getting strange?" I thought there was a consensus from most folks (other than Pick and a few others) that having sex with your spouse was less exciting than having sex with someone else due to the familiarity.

As I haven't had sex with anyone other than my wife since my junior year in college (14 years ago), I'm speculating here, but I think there's a big difference between getting with a new ##### and being awkward with the same #####. I'm also guessing the approach with strange is much different than going after your wife who you haven't had sex with in a few months. Less exciting, less confidence (also guessing, but if strange rejects, no biggie. Wife rejects, and it's hand-time or cold shower).

 

[iamsmilin]

You know the funny thing about sex? The more you have it, the more you think about it, the more you want it.

That would not have been my answer for "the funny thing about sex." I'm also skeptical that it's true, at least for me. If anything I think about sex more when I'm getting less.

There maybe a gender bias but let me explain what I said. The more I have sex with my husband, the more I think about things that I want him to do or I want to do to him, which naturally causes me to want it more. It not just thinking, damn I want sex. It's more, thinking about specifics that get me in the mood. KWIM?

Your man is a lucky guy.

I'll admit we have had a lot of problems in that area during our marriage. He was on an 8 month ban during my last pregnancy due to complications. We are currently in a really good place when it comes to sex which makes everything else in the marriage go smoother. Win win really.