Wife uses sex as a weapon (1 Viewer)

[Bogart]

Wife brought her A+ game last night.Not just the sexy time, which was , but the entire evening. She had a positive attitude from the second I walked in the door. We both gladly got the evening's chores done as quick as possible and worked to get the kids down in their own beds. She even knew the Mavs were playing and offered to stay up late if need be, with a sly grin. The idea of waiting to let me watch a game first would have never crossed her mind in the past. We took advantage of halftime, and afterwards she was like, "Go watch the game, if you miss any of it, you will hate yourself." I was pretty much shocked all evening long. Tomorrow's session will be interesting. We will have highs and lows to discuss for the first time, not just lows. I still have shields up, many things to still fix, but I have to give her credit and give her the benefit of the doubt that she is trying to make some changes.

Don't take this the wrong way, but she is obviously struggling to give you your language of love, even if it is difficult. That said, what are you doing for her to go above and beyond to meet her love currency/language?

No offense at all. This is completely a process for both of us, not just her. To give you an idea of where we stand with our love language, here is how we scored when taking the 5 Love Language test online (max score for each is 12):Bogart:8 - Words of Affirmation4 - Quality Time6 - Receiving Gifts1 - Acts of Service11 - Physical TouchMrs. Bogart:12 - Words of Affirmation3 - Quality Time4 - Receiving Gifts8 - Acts of Service3 - Physical TouchIt's very obvious we have some very different ideas of what shows love/affection/etc. What I have done is basically trashed my past routine and really mix it up with Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service for her. A more sincere phone call or text that does not fit the routine of the past. I don't come out and say "Hey, Words of Affirmation here", but with what she has learned and I have learned, my efforts mean more to her now, even if I'm not doing more (actually less contact during the day) but different, better.Same with Acts of Service. I'm not doing more, but taking a more alpha role in how things are getting done. Making the decisions early on what needs to get done. Doing things out of order, like doing the dishes either really early right after dinner or much later before bed, opening up more of the evening to spend with her or the kids. Being decisive with what I do. "I'm going to the store" as opposed to "Do you want me to go to the store?" Again, not doing more, but what I am doing is better understood by her that I am reaching out to her love languages. And because of that, she is doing more, being a partner in this marriage.Was interesting that Quality Time and Gifts did not rank high up for either of us. This helps quite a bit, not only knowing what the other person really needs, but what they don't need.

 

[iamsmilin]

Wife brought her A+ game last night.Not just the sexy time, which was , but the entire evening. She had a positive attitude from the second I walked in the door. We both gladly got the evening's chores done as quick as possible and worked to get the kids down in their own beds. She even knew the Mavs were playing and offered to stay up late if need be, with a sly grin. The idea of waiting to let me watch a game first would have never crossed her mind in the past. We took advantage of halftime, and afterwards she was like, "Go watch the game, if you miss any of it, you will hate yourself." I was pretty much shocked all evening long. Tomorrow's session will be interesting. We will have highs and lows to discuss for the first time, not just lows. I still have shields up, many things to still fix, but I have to give her credit and give her the benefit of the doubt that she is trying to make some changes.

Don't take this the wrong way, but she is obviously struggling to give you your language of love, even if it is difficult. That said, what are you doing for her to go above and beyond to meet her love currency/language?

No offense at all. This is completely a process for both of us, not just her. To give you an idea of where we stand with our love language, here is how we scored when taking the 5 Love Language test online (max score for each is 12):Bogart:8 - Words of Affirmation4 - Quality Time6 - Receiving Gifts1 - Acts of Service11 - Physical TouchMrs. Bogart:12 - Words of Affirmation3 - Quality Time4 - Receiving Gifts8 - Acts of Service3 - Physical TouchIt's very obvious we have some very different ideas of what shows love/affection/etc. What I have done is basically trashed my past routine and really mix it up with Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service for her. A more sincere phone call or text that does not fit the routine of the past. I don't come out and say "Hey, Words of Affirmation here", but with what she has learned and I have learned, my efforts mean more to her now, even if I'm not doing more (actually less contact during the day) but different, better.Same with Acts of Service. I'm not doing more, but taking a more alpha role in how things are getting done. Making the decisions early on what needs to get done. Doing things out of order, like doing the dishes either really early right after dinner or much later before bed, opening up more of the evening to spend with her or the kids. Being decisive with what I do. "I'm going to the store" as opposed to "Do you want me to go to the store?" Again, not doing more, but what I am doing is better understood by her that I am reaching out to her love languages. And because of that, she is doing more, being a partner in this marriage.Was interesting that Quality Time and Gifts did not rank high up for either of us. This helps quite a bit, not only knowing what the other person really needs, but what they don't need.

This is great! I really hope you guys can work it out. This shows that you guys are both willing to work on it and that makes a huge difference.

 

[NorvilleBarnes]

This helps quite a bit, not only knowing what the other person really needs, but what they don't need.

Good luck.

 

[gianmarco]

This helps quite a bit, not only knowing what the other person really needs, but what they don't need.

Good luck.

 

[Jojo the circus boy]

I have a feeling your in-laws did you some good in speaking to your wife. I am sure they said something along the lines of, "Do you really want to find a 3rd husband? Isn't Bogart a good husband/father?" Maybe giving her a much needed wake up call. I just hope for your sake this is not a temporary change of attitude from her but more of a permanent change.

 

[Mrs. BSR]

Bogart, this is good news. I am very interested in hearing how your meeting goes.

 

[Instinctive]

Bogart, this is good news. I am very interested in hearing how your meeting goes.

Agreed. This ought to be your most interesting/fruitful session now that there is some ups with the downs.

 

[Sabertooth]

Wish my wife brought her A+ game. Just kidding. Sounds like she's at least aware of the situation.

 

[Disco Stu]

I have a feeling your in-laws did you some good in speaking to your wife. I am sure they said something along the lines of, "Do you really want to find a 3rd husband? Isn't Bogart a good husband/father?" Maybe giving her a much needed wake up call. I just hope for your sake this is not a temporary change of attitude from her but more of a permanent change.

The last sentence would be my fear. A bad wife can turn good out of desperation, but for how long?

 

[Bogart]

I have a feeling your in-laws did you some good in speaking to your wife. I am sure they said something along the lines of, "Do you really want to find a 3rd husband? Isn't Bogart a good husband/father?" Maybe giving her a much needed wake up call. I just hope for your sake this is not a temporary change of attitude from her but more of a permanent change.

You would like to think this, but she has yet to go to any of her family on this situation. They think we are still just the perfect family. For me, it has been a huge help to talk to family, but she hasn't taken the same opportunity.

 

[Jojo the circus boy]

I have a feeling your in-laws did you some good in speaking to your wife. I am sure they said something along the lines of, "Do you really want to find a 3rd husband? Isn't Bogart a good husband/father?" Maybe giving her a much needed wake up call. I just hope for your sake this is not a temporary change of attitude from her but more of a permanent change.

You would like to think this, but she has yet to go to any of her family on this situation. They think we are still just the perfect family. For me, it has been a huge help to talk to family, but she hasn't taken the same opportunity.

well hopefully she is able to talk to someone, a friend perhaps?

 

[Bogart]

I have a feeling your in-laws did you some good in speaking to your wife. I am sure they said something along the lines of, "Do you really want to find a 3rd husband? Isn't Bogart a good husband/father?" Maybe giving her a much needed wake up call. I just hope for your sake this is not a temporary change of attitude from her but more of a permanent change.

The last sentence would be my fear. A bad wife can turn good out of desperation, but for how long?

That's the real question isn't it? Both of her huge shows of affection have come after very bad conversations where I have shown how real and how close I am to divorcing her. That is not a pattern or routine I want any part of.Continuing to be open and honest in these sessions, I will be able to give her some praise and credit for the last two weeks. This will be different from the last sessions. How she reacts will be important. Does a slight comfort zone push her back to her old ways?I also have to remember that while I have been unhappy for a while, it's still only a month plus that she has known how unhappy I am. I can't rush to conclusions and can't expect instant changes. We both are growing in this, if we are growing together has yet to be seen.

 

[Bogart]

I have a feeling your in-laws did you some good in speaking to your wife. I am sure they said something along the lines of, "Do you really want to find a 3rd husband? Isn't Bogart a good husband/father?" Maybe giving her a much needed wake up call. I just hope for your sake this is not a temporary change of attitude from her but more of a permanent change.

You would like to think this, but she has yet to go to any of her family on this situation. They think we are still just the perfect family. For me, it has been a huge help to talk to family, but she hasn't taken the same opportunity.

well hopefully she is able to talk to someone, a friend perhaps?

I have given suggestions. She might have talked to her sister, or some friends from work, but she hasn't said.

 

[Zegras11]

I have a feeling your in-laws did you some good in speaking to your wife. I am sure they said something along the lines of, "Do you really want to find a 3rd husband? Isn't Bogart a good husband/father?" Maybe giving her a much needed wake up call. I just hope for your sake this is not a temporary change of attitude from her but more of a permanent change.

The last sentence would be my fear. A bad wife can turn good out of desperation, but for how long?

That's the real question isn't it? Both of her huge shows of affection have come after very bad conversations where I have shown how real and how close I am to divorcing her. That is not a pattern or routine I want any part of.Continuing to be open and honest in these sessions, I will be able to give her some praise and credit for the last two weeks. This will be different from the last sessions. How she reacts will be important. Does a slight comfort zone push her back to her old ways?

I also have to remember that while I have been unhappy for a while, it's still only a month plus that she has known how unhappy I am. I can't rush to conclusions and can't expect instant changes. We both are growing in this, if we are growing together has yet to be seen.

You need to say this is the session to her.

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

Is the next session today Bogart? Lot on your plate today. Go mamricks.

 

[Bogart]

Is the next session today Bogart? Lot on your plate today. Go mamricks.

Yeah. This afternoon. Really hard to work with session and Mamricks on my mind.

 

[culdeus]

Is the next session today Bogart? Lot on your plate today. Go mamricks.

Yeah. This afternoon. Really hard to work with session and Mamricks on my mind.

well good luck, good luck with your bottom

 

[Steeler]

Being decisive with what I do. "I'm going to the store" as opposed to "Do you want me to go to the store?"

This thread has been helpful to me because I didn't realize how "Beta" I had become. My wife and I have had a recurring argument for a few years; I don't think she appreciates what I do for the her and the family, and she thinks I don't take an active enough role and/or I don't want to be an active participant. The argument usually resurfaces when she gets upset over something I did or didn't do.... she doesn't talk about it or tell me what's wrong... she just gets moody and quiet.In the past I would become more and more Beta; trying harder and harder to do it the "right" way based on what she wanted. No more. When she gets moody now, I don't go try to fix the problem... I wait it out... when she gets over it we move forward.And the way I've addressed being a more "active participant" in the family is to make more declarative statements like the one I quoted from Bogart above. Instead of saying stuff like "Can I take a bike ride now? Or do you want me to do something first." Now I simply say "I'm going on a bike ride, I'll be back in an hour". The first way was an attempt to be thoughtful, but I'm sure it make me sound like a big ##### and that I was asking her permission to do stuff.Another thing I've changed is that when she asks me a question, I always have an answer. Anything from "do you want Corn or Green Beans for dinner?" to "which restaurant do you want to go to?" to anything. In the past, if either option were fine with me, or I didn't have an opinion, I would just say "I don't care." Now, even if I don't care in the least bit, I always tell her which I prefer. if she's asking me to participate (even in this small way), I do.Anyway, these subtle changes in the way I communicate with her has helped quite a bit and I wanted to share. I'm sure others are following along and maybe some others are making changes/seeing difference... maybe others will be encouraged to share some of their experiences too.

 

[Bogart]

Being decisive with what I do. "I'm going to the store" as opposed to "Do you want me to go to the store?"

This thread has been helpful to me because I didn't realize how "Beta" I had become. My wife and I have had a recurring argument for a few years; I don't think she appreciates what I do for the her and the family, and she thinks I don't take an active enough role and/or I don't want to be an active participant. The argument usually resurfaces when she gets upset over something I did or didn't do.... she doesn't talk about it or tell me what's wrong... she just gets moody and quiet.In the past I would become more and more Beta; trying harder and harder to do it the "right" way based on what she wanted. No more. When she gets moody now, I don't go try to fix the problem... I wait it out... when she gets over it we move forward.And the way I've addressed being a more "active participant" in the family is to make more declarative statements like the one I quoted from Bogart above. Instead of saying stuff like "Can I take a bike ride now? Or do you want me to do something first." Now I simply say "I'm going on a bike ride, I'll be back in an hour". The first way was an attempt to be thoughtful, but I'm sure it make me sound like a big ##### and that I was asking her permission to do stuff.Another thing I've changed is that when she asks me a question, I always have an answer. Anything from "do you want Corn or Green Beans for dinner?" to "which restaurant do you want to go to?" to anything. In the past, if either option were fine with me, or I didn't have an opinion, I would just say "I don't care." Now, even if I don't care in the least bit, I always tell her which I prefer. if she's asking me to participate (even in this small way), I do.Anyway, these subtle changes in the way I communicate with her has helped quite a bit and I wanted to share. I'm sure others are following along and maybe some others are making changes/seeing difference... maybe others will be encouraged to share some of their experiences too.

Really good stuff here.

 

[iamsmilin]

I also have to remember that while I have been unhappy for a while, it's still only a month plus that she has known how unhappy I am. I can't rush to conclusions and can't expect instant changes. We both are growing in this, if we are growing together has yet to be seen.

Don't fool yourself into thinking she didn't know. She knew you were unhappy. Maybe she didn't know how much but you can't hide that kind of thing. That being said, progress is progress. Just get ready to work hard.

 

[Sabertooth]

Being decisive with what I do. "I'm going to the store" as opposed to "Do you want me to go to the store?"

This thread has been helpful to me because I didn't realize how "Beta" I had become. My wife and I have had a recurring argument for a few years; I don't think she appreciates what I do for the her and the family, and she thinks I don't take an active enough role and/or I don't want to be an active participant. The argument usually resurfaces when she gets upset over something I did or didn't do.... she doesn't talk about it or tell me what's wrong... she just gets moody and quiet.In the past I would become more and more Beta; trying harder and harder to do it the "right" way based on what she wanted. No more. When she gets moody now, I don't go try to fix the problem... I wait it out... when she gets over it we move forward.And the way I've addressed being a more "active participant" in the family is to make more declarative statements like the one I quoted from Bogart above. Instead of saying stuff like "Can I take a bike ride now? Or do you want me to do something first." Now I simply say "I'm going on a bike ride, I'll be back in an hour". The first way was an attempt to be thoughtful, but I'm sure it make me sound like a big ##### and that I was asking her permission to do stuff.Another thing I've changed is that when she asks me a question, I always have an answer. Anything from "do you want Corn or Green Beans for dinner?" to "which restaurant do you want to go to?" to anything. In the past, if either option were fine with me, or I didn't have an opinion, I would just say "I don't care." Now, even if I don't care in the least bit, I always tell her which I prefer. if she's asking me to participate (even in this small way), I do.Anyway, these subtle changes in the way I communicate with her has helped quite a bit and I wanted to share. I'm sure others are following along and maybe some others are making changes/seeing difference... maybe others will be encouraged to share some of their experiences too.

Really good stuff here.

I'm the same way. I find myself thinking I'm being considerate when in fact, I'm being wishy-washy. Very beta, and not in a good way. It's funny because we are raised to respect women and all that. Then we get one locked down and they get pissed because we men don't know what the expectation is. Turns out our attempts at chivalry and courtesy often undermine us. And them too.

 

[JFT Ben]

Being decisive with what I do. "I'm going to the store" as opposed to "Do you want me to go to the store?"

This thread has been helpful to me because I didn't realize how "Beta" I had become. My wife and I have had a recurring argument for a few years; I don't think she appreciates what I do for the her and the family, and she thinks I don't take an active enough role and/or I don't want to be an active participant. The argument usually resurfaces when she gets upset over something I did or didn't do.... she doesn't talk about it or tell me what's wrong... she just gets moody and quiet.In the past I would become more and more Beta; trying harder and harder to do it the "right" way based on what she wanted. No more. When she gets moody now, I don't go try to fix the problem... I wait it out... when she gets over it we move forward.And the way I've addressed being a more "active participant" in the family is to make more declarative statements like the one I quoted from Bogart above. Instead of saying stuff like "Can I take a bike ride now? Or do you want me to do something first." Now I simply say "I'm going on a bike ride, I'll be back in an hour". The first way was an attempt to be thoughtful, but I'm sure it make me sound like a big ##### and that I was asking her permission to do stuff.Another thing I've changed is that when she asks me a question, I always have an answer. Anything from "do you want Corn or Green Beans for dinner?" to "which restaurant do you want to go to?" to anything. In the past, if either option were fine with me, or I didn't have an opinion, I would just say "I don't care." Now, even if I don't care in the least bit, I always tell her which I prefer. if she's asking me to participate (even in this small way), I do.Anyway, these subtle changes in the way I communicate with her has helped quite a bit and I wanted to share. I'm sure others are following along and maybe some others are making changes/seeing difference... maybe others will be encouraged to share some of their experiences too.

I'll add to this. I've been self sufficient in nearly everything in my life and don't expect or want help for almost anything I do unless absolutely necessary. It must be some sort of internal thing where if I ask for help I show weakness. This means if I wanted something, like a beer, or a glass of water, I'd rather get it myself than ask my wife who is closer to get it for me. In some ways this is good as an example to teach the kids, but in other ways I believe it subconciously isolated me from my wife. By contrast, she has no problem asking for similar things she desires. Before I would usually jump to her needs without really thinking (I like to solve problems and if she was thirsty, that was a problem I could solve). Not so the case any more, if I'm up and close, I'll get it for her, if not I let her know she can get it herself (total subconcious S-test for beta IMO).Now if she's in the kitchen or going upstairs I'll ask for something like a glass of water, beer or magazine, even if I don't really want it. Also, I never asked for back rubs or any other general act of giving but am now doing that with more regulatiry with good results. It feels good to be needed for something, and asking for these small things makes her feel needed and hence feel good. Go figure.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

I also have to remember that while I have been unhappy for a while, it's still only a month plus that she has known how unhappy I am. I can't rush to conclusions and can't expect instant changes. We both are growing in this, if we are growing together has yet to be seen.

Don't fool yourself into thinking she didn't know. She knew you were unhappy. Maybe she didn't know how much but you can't hide that kind of thing.

I think it's entirely possible she thought everything was pretty much fine. It's not that hard for most men to hide their true feelings, and it's especially easy if the wife was seeing what she wanted to see.

 

[Man in the yellow hat]

Being decisive with what I do. "I'm going to the store" as opposed to "Do you want me to go to the store?"

This thread has been helpful to me because I didn't realize how "Beta" I had become. My wife and I have had a recurring argument for a few years; I don't think she appreciates what I do for the her and the family, and she thinks I don't take an active enough role and/or I don't want to be an active participant. The argument usually resurfaces when she gets upset over something I did or didn't do.... she doesn't talk about it or tell me what's wrong... she just gets moody and quiet.In the past I would become more and more Beta; trying harder and harder to do it the "right" way based on what she wanted. No more. When she gets moody now, I don't go try to fix the problem... I wait it out... when she gets over it we move forward.And the way I've addressed being a more "active participant" in the family is to make more declarative statements like the one I quoted from Bogart above. Instead of saying stuff like "Can I take a bike ride now? Or do you want me to do something first." Now I simply say "I'm going on a bike ride, I'll be back in an hour". The first way was an attempt to be thoughtful, but I'm sure it make me sound like a big ##### and that I was asking her permission to do stuff.Another thing I've changed is that when she asks me a question, I always have an answer. Anything from "do you want Corn or Green Beans for dinner?" to "which restaurant do you want to go to?" to anything. In the past, if either option were fine with me, or I didn't have an opinion, I would just say "I don't care." Now, even if I don't care in the least bit, I always tell her which I prefer. if she's asking me to participate (even in this small way), I do.Anyway, these subtle changes in the way I communicate with her has helped quite a bit and I wanted to share. I'm sure others are following along and maybe some others are making changes/seeing difference... maybe others will be encouraged to share some of their experiences too.

Really good stuff here.

I'm the same way. I find myself thinking I'm being considerate when in fact, I'm being wishy-washy. Very beta, and not in a good way. It's funny because we are raised to respect women and all that. Then we get one locked down and they get pissed because we men don't know what the expectation is. Turns out our attempts at chivalry and courtesy often undermine us. And them too.

by all. I've implemented a few of these small changes and have seen some immediate payback on them. It's a work in progress for me, because it's been so ingrained over the years. So far, so good.

 

[iamsmilin]

I also have to remember that while I have been unhappy for a while, it's still only a month plus that she has known how unhappy I am. I can't rush to conclusions and can't expect instant changes. We both are growing in this, if we are growing together has yet to be seen.

Don't fool yourself into thinking she didn't know. She knew you were unhappy. Maybe she didn't know how much but you can't hide that kind of thing.

I think it's entirely possible she thought everything was pretty much fine. It's not that hard for most men to hide their true feelings, and it's especially easy if the wife was seeing what she wanted to see.

They have only had sex 3 times in the last year and he's stopped asking for it. No matter what you say, women know this is a bad sign. She may have had blinders on but no woman is that stupid to think that their husband just completely lost interest in sex. He's either getting it from someone else, completely lost interest in her, or is gay and using her as a beard. None of these are good things.

 

[Bogart]

I also have to remember that while I have been unhappy for a while, it's still only a month plus that she has known how unhappy I am. I can't rush to conclusions and can't expect instant changes. We both are growing in this, if we are growing together has yet to be seen.

Don't fool yourself into thinking she didn't know. She knew you were unhappy. Maybe she didn't know how much but you can't hide that kind of thing.

I think it's entirely possible she thought everything was pretty much fine. It's not that hard for most men to hide their true feelings, and it's especially easy if the wife was seeing what she wanted to see.

They have only had sex 3 times in the last year and he's stopped asking for it. No matter what you say, women know this is a bad sign. She may have had blinders on but no woman is that stupid to think that their husband just completely lost interest in sex. He's either getting it from someone else, completely lost interest in her, or is gay and using her as a beard. None of these are good things.

For the record, none of this happened. Especially number three.

 

[gianmarco]

Being decisive with what I do. "I'm going to the store" as opposed to "Do you want me to go to the store?"

This thread has been helpful to me because I didn't realize how "Beta" I had become. My wife and I have had a recurring argument for a few years; I don't think she appreciates what I do for the her and the family, and she thinks I don't take an active enough role and/or I don't want to be an active participant. The argument usually resurfaces when she gets upset over something I did or didn't do.... she doesn't talk about it or tell me what's wrong... she just gets moody and quiet.In the past I would become more and more Beta; trying harder and harder to do it the "right" way based on what she wanted. No more. When she gets moody now, I don't go try to fix the problem... I wait it out... when she gets over it we move forward.And the way I've addressed being a more "active participant" in the family is to make more declarative statements like the one I quoted from Bogart above. Instead of saying stuff like "Can I take a bike ride now? Or do you want me to do something first." Now I simply say "I'm going on a bike ride, I'll be back in an hour". The first way was an attempt to be thoughtful, but I'm sure it make me sound like a big ##### and that I was asking her permission to do stuff.Another thing I've changed is that when she asks me a question, I always have an answer. Anything from "do you want Corn or Green Beans for dinner?" to "which restaurant do you want to go to?" to anything. In the past, if either option were fine with me, or I didn't have an opinion, I would just say "I don't care." Now, even if I don't care in the least bit, I always tell her which I prefer. if she's asking me to participate (even in this small way), I do.Anyway, these subtle changes in the way I communicate with her has helped quite a bit and I wanted to share. I'm sure others are following along and maybe some others are making changes/seeing difference... maybe others will be encouraged to share some of their experiences too.

This is my situation to a T. I went through the same thing and have made the same changes and have found the same results.

 

[iamsmilin]

I also have to remember that while I have been unhappy for a while, it's still only a month plus that she has known how unhappy I am. I can't rush to conclusions and can't expect instant changes. We both are growing in this, if we are growing together has yet to be seen.

Don't fool yourself into thinking she didn't know. She knew you were unhappy. Maybe she didn't know how much but you can't hide that kind of thing.

I think it's entirely possible she thought everything was pretty much fine. It's not that hard for most men to hide their true feelings, and it's especially easy if the wife was seeing what she wanted to see.

They have only had sex 3 times in the last year and he's stopped asking for it. No matter what you say, women know this is a bad sign. She may have had blinders on but no woman is that stupid to think that their husband just completely lost interest in sex. He's either getting it from someone else, completely lost interest in her, or is gay and using her as a beard. None of these are good things.

For the record, none of this happened. Especially number three.

LOL. I know but in the mind of a wife, there are few other options. I don't think we actually think they lost interest. Even if they have given up on trying for physical contact, that is a bad bad thing.I have a co-worker whose husband just goes to the basement to play games when he comes home. He doesn't help around the house, he shows up to eat and then goes to play games again. He gets dressed up at least once a week to "go to the bar" and stays out late. He never wants to have sex with her even though she is willing. This is all from her POV. All I want to say is, so you are a place to live and his a maid, that's it. This is not normal. Most other women in the office say this is not normal. We know men want sex. All I'm saying.

 

[skillz]

I also have to remember that while I have been unhappy for a while, it's still only a month plus that she has known how unhappy I am. I can't rush to conclusions and can't expect instant changes. We both are growing in this, if we are growing together has yet to be seen.

Don't fool yourself into thinking she didn't know. She knew you were unhappy. Maybe she didn't know how much but you can't hide that kind of thing.

I think it's entirely possible she thought everything was pretty much fine. It's not that hard for most men to hide their true feelings, and it's especially easy if the wife was seeing what she wanted to see.

They have only had sex 3 times in the last year and he's stopped asking for it. No matter what you say, women know this is a bad sign. She may have had blinders on but no woman is that stupid to think that their husband just completely lost interest in sex. He's either getting it from someone else, completely lost interest in her, or is gay and using her as a beard. None of these are good things.

For the record, none of this happened. Especially number three.

LOL. I know but in the mind of a wife, there are few other options. I don't think we actually think they lost interest. Even if they have given up on trying for physical contact, that is a bad bad thing.I have a co-worker whose husband just goes to the basement to play games when he comes home. He doesn't help around the house, he shows up to eat and then goes to play games again. He gets dressed up at least once a week to "go to the bar" and stays out late. He never wants to have sex with her even though she is willing. This is all from her POV. All I want to say is, so you are a place to live and his a maid, that's it. This is not normal. Most other women in the office say this is not normal. We know men want sex. All I'm saying.

WOW?

 

[iamsmilin]

I also have to remember that while I have been unhappy for a while, it's still only a month plus that she has known how unhappy I am. I can't rush to conclusions and can't expect instant changes. We both are growing in this, if we are growing together has yet to be seen.

Don't fool yourself into thinking she didn't know. She knew you were unhappy. Maybe she didn't know how much but you can't hide that kind of thing.

I think it's entirely possible she thought everything was pretty much fine. It's not that hard for most men to hide their true feelings, and it's especially easy if the wife was seeing what she wanted to see.

They have only had sex 3 times in the last year and he's stopped asking for it. No matter what you say, women know this is a bad sign. She may have had blinders on but no woman is that stupid to think that their husband just completely lost interest in sex. He's either getting it from someone else, completely lost interest in her, or is gay and using her as a beard. None of these are good things.

For the record, none of this happened. Especially number three.

LOL. I know but in the mind of a wife, there are few other options. I don't think we actually think they lost interest. Even if they have given up on trying for physical contact, that is a bad bad thing.I have a co-worker whose husband just goes to the basement to play games when he comes home. He doesn't help around the house, he shows up to eat and then goes to play games again. He gets dressed up at least once a week to "go to the bar" and stays out late. He never wants to have sex with her even though she is willing. This is all from her POV. All I want to say is, so you are a place to live and his a maid, that's it. This is not normal. Most other women in the office say this is not normal. We know men want sex. All I'm saying.

WOW?

PlayStation.

 

[Idiot Boxer]

I'd give her an epic mount.

 

[Dexter Manley]

I also have to remember that while I have been unhappy for a while, it's still only a month plus that she has known how unhappy I am. I can't rush to conclusions and can't expect instant changes. We both are growing in this, if we are growing together has yet to be seen.

Don't fool yourself into thinking she didn't know. She knew you were unhappy. Maybe she didn't know how much but you can't hide that kind of thing.

I think it's entirely possible she thought everything was pretty much fine. It's not that hard for most men to hide their true feelings, and it's especially easy if the wife was seeing what she wanted to see.

They have only had sex 3 times in the last year and he's stopped asking for it. No matter what you say, women know this is a bad sign. She may have had blinders on but no woman is that stupid to think that their husband just completely lost interest in sex. He's either getting it from someone else, completely lost interest in her, or is gay and using her as a beard. None of these are good things.

For the record, none of this happened. Especially number three.

LOL. I know but in the mind of a wife, there are few other options. I don't think we actually think they lost interest. Even if they have given up on trying for physical contact, that is a bad bad thing.I have a co-worker whose husband just goes to the basement to play games when he comes home. He doesn't help around the house, he shows up to eat and then goes to play games again. He gets dressed up at least once a week to "go to the bar" and stays out late. He never wants to have sex with her even though she is willing. This is all from her POV. All I want to say is, so you are a place to live and his a maid, that's it. This is not normal. Most other women in the office say this is not normal. We know men want sex. All I'm saying.

WOW?

PlayStation.

I'm guessing it's Black Ops. I've got several married friends who are addicted to that game.

 

[The_Man]

I also have to remember that while I have been unhappy for a while, it's still only a month plus that she has known how unhappy I am. I can't rush to conclusions and can't expect instant changes. We both are growing in this, if we are growing together has yet to be seen.

Don't fool yourself into thinking she didn't know. She knew you were unhappy. Maybe she didn't know how much but you can't hide that kind of thing.

I think it's entirely possible she thought everything was pretty much fine. It's not that hard for most men to hide their true feelings, and it's especially easy if the wife was seeing what she wanted to see.

They have only had sex 3 times in the last year and he's stopped asking for it. No matter what you say, women know this is a bad sign. She may have had blinders on but no woman is that stupid to think that their husband just completely lost interest in sex. He's either getting it from someone else, completely lost interest in her, or is gay and using her as a beard. None of these are good things.

For the record, none of this happened. Especially number three.

LOL. I know but in the mind of a wife, there are few other options. I don't think we actually think they lost interest. Even if they have given up on trying for physical contact, that is a bad bad thing.I have a co-worker whose husband just goes to the basement to play games when he comes home. He doesn't help around the house, he shows up to eat and then goes to play games again. He gets dressed up at least once a week to "go to the bar" and stays out late. He never wants to have sex with her even though she is willing. This is all from her POV. All I want to say is, so you are a place to live and his a maid, that's it. This is not normal. Most other women in the office say this is not normal. We know men want sex. All I'm saying.

WOW?

PlayStation.

I'm guessing it's Black Ops. I've got several married friends who are addicted to that game.

Can you upgrade to use sex as a weapon?

 

[Sabertooth]

What kind of f'd up world do we live in when a man will turn down real life sex for a video game. No wonder this world is a mess.

 

[Chaka]

What kind of f'd up world do we live in when a man will turn down real life sex for a video game. No wonder this world is a mess.

There are plenty of women I would ignore in favor of a video game.

 

[stbugs]

What kind of f'd up world do we live in when a man will turn down real life sex for a video game. No wonder this world is a mess.

Amazing some of the stories I hear from my wife about friends marriages and shockingly divorce. Kind of sad, but I feel good when my wife and I agree on what is a bad marriage. Ours isn't perfect, but we communicate well. I love this thread, it has improved my well being. My sex life has always been solid but definitely slowed down a bit after having kids (3 now) and reaching 40. We always made time for it, but, IMHO, it was never enough and probably never will be enough. That said, I have changed my routine a bit over the last few weeks to be more Alpha, amazing how easy it is to slip into Beta mode with kids, and the dividends have been great. Not every day, but multiple times a week from lulling into more of a once a week, once every couple weeks. I kind of felt like we got into a mode of me asking for it and changed that up after reading all the discussions in here.I haven't read any of the books, but one thing I will throw out that others have as well. Be a man, simple as that. You don't have to be a wife-beater to throw around some testosterone. You don't even have to be a ####, just do for yourself what Oprah has been preaching to all the women out there. Treat yourself, do what you want to do. Don't ask permission for everything. It is pretty easy to be respectful to your wife and not be a doormat.

 

[Sabertooth]

What kind of f'd up world do we live in when a man will turn down real life sex for a video game. No wonder this world is a mess.

There are plenty of women I would ignore in favor of a video game.

Really? If she's your girlfriend or wife? Not me. Video games are pretty much for kids.

 

[Clifford]

One for the thread: what if the problem is that you seriously are no longer interested in having sex with your wife?

Because you're gay or some other reason?

Other. Desperately want to have teh seks with strange. Just can't bring myself to do it.

 

[Clifford]

One for the thread: what if the problem is that you seriously are no longer interested in having sex with your wife?

What exactly are you asking? Whether people in that situation should always divorce?

There are a few options:1. Give up on sex and accept that you're no longer attracted to your wife (don't want to do this)2. Cheat (don't want to do this)3. Try to subtly coax your wife into exercising more by finding mutual activities (trying this)4. Be blunt and tell your wife that you're no longer attracted to her and she needs to do something about this (know this won't work)5. Porn (getting bored with this)6. Divorce (don't want to do this)7. Swing (I could be persuaded)but /hijack as this is Bogart's thread.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

One for the thread: what if the problem is that you seriously are no longer interested in having sex with your wife?

What exactly are you asking? Whether people in that situation should always divorce?

There are a few options:1. Give up on sex and accept that you're no longer attracted to your wife (don't want to do this)2. Cheat (don't want to do this)3. Try to subtly coax your wife into exercising more by finding mutual activities (trying this)4. Be blunt and tell your wife that you're no longer attracted to her and she needs to do something about this (know this won't work)5. Porn (getting bored with this)6. Divorce (don't want to do this)7. Swing (I could be persuaded)but /hijack as this is Bogart's thread.

I think we have some common issues, although mine have gotten somewhat better over the past year. Not sure there's a good answer.

 

[Sabertooth]

Please post a picture of you and a picture of your wife. I'm betting she looks as good if not better than you. Blur the faces if you want to.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

Please post a picture of you and a picture of your wife. I'm betting she looks as good if not better than you. Blur the faces if you want to.

Who is this addressed to? And how would you know who is better looking if you blur the faces?

 

[Clifford]

Please post a picture of you and a picture of your wife. I'm betting she looks as good if not better than you. Blur the faces if you want to.

That's the thing, other dudes do find her attractive, but like I said /hijack. Think I am currently pursuing the best course of action.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

Please post a picture of you and a picture of your wife. I'm betting she looks as good if not better than you. Blur the faces if you want to.

That's the thing, other dudes do find her attractive, but like I said /hijack. Think I am currently pursuing the best course of action.

What is your course of action? The thing about more exercise?

 

[Clifford]

Please post a picture of you and a picture of your wife. I'm betting she looks as good if not better than you. Blur the faces if you want to.

That's the thing, other dudes do find her attractive, but like I said /hijack. Think I am currently pursuing the best course of action.

What is your course of action? The thing about more exercise?

Tennis anyone?We both are going to completely suck at it, it's competitive (which will get her going), it's fun, and it's great exercise.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

What is your course of action? The thing about more exercise?

Tennis anyone?We both are going to completely suck at it, it's competitive (which will get her going), it's fun, and it's great exercise.

Have you started yet? Back in 2002 I had the same exact idea. We ended up playing maybe three times. It wasn't fun for either of us, because even though I suck at tennis, she REALLY sucked at tennis.

 

[Clifford]

I'll let you know how it goes. It's worth trying before other options.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

I'll let you know how it goes. It's worth trying before other options.

Good luck.

 

[Bogart]

Session number three yesterday.

Disclaimer: Not much sex talk for those that are looking for that.

A good session, a better session, a different session. We talked so much there was no time for the therapist to take a break. We just went at it for the full 55 mins. He tried to wrap it up twice and we just kept talking. We talked about having two "bad" conversations since last session, and also gave my wife credit for initiating intimacy twice as well since the last session. It was mentioned that the two were right around the same time.

Much of the early session was light and happy as we discussed "The 5 Love Languages", how we figured out what our love language was, what the others love language was, and how we are working to speak each others love and got into some specific examples. It was as comfortable as the session has been. You could see the defenses coming down for both of us.

I talked about needing to have patience, that I can't expect everything to be fixed right away. How I have given my wife a lot of material to take in and she needs time to process it. I was very honest how close I was to just walking away from it all. I said I would show patience, but still very much think there are some huge mountains to climb, for both of us. And I expressed doubt. I was surprised that the therapist seem to agree. He did a good job of keeping both sides level and positive, but being realistic and not giving false hope.

We talked about my wife's relationship with my parents, both of my moms specifically. I talked about how I feel my wife has anger issues, how she has reacted poorly with both, and she is the common factor in two very painful relationships right now. I talked about how I have defended her to the end, and how I have to wonder how to fix things now. My wife talked about how she wanted me to "champion" her. The therapist was very blunt. His mantra was: You can change who you are, you can't change who your partner is, you can't change other people. All you can do is adapt and do your best to maintain relationships, but you can't force others to make it work. It was an eyeopener to everyone I think.

We left in a good mood and the therapist said to keep talking, and be ready as the defenses are lowered, this is when people get hurt. I said I will take being hurt over being numb and in a rut. We will discuss communication next time.

As we left, my wife brought up her main love language and told me how a positive comment I made that morning, made her happy for that entire morning. I said I am doing my best. I threw in, "You know, when you give me a #######, I'm ready to run through walls for you." She laughed and then talked about worrying about dealing with my love language when we are 80. I said don't worry about then, worry about now. She then talked about how she wants it, but as she has gotten older, her desire and need for sex has "decreased rapidly." We will see where we go from there.

Long journey. Still have no idea of the outcome, and I guess that is better than knowing it's not going to work.

 

[Clifford]

Good news man. Happy for you.