Wife uses sex as a weapon (1 Viewer)

[Bogart]

One for the thread: what if the problem is that you seriously are no longer interested in having sex with your wife?

What exactly are you asking? Whether people in that situation should always divorce?

There are a few options:1. Give up on sex and accept that you're no longer attracted to your wife (don't want to do this)2. Cheat (don't want to do this)3. Try to subtly coax your wife into exercising more by finding mutual activities (trying this)4. Be blunt and tell your wife that you're no longer attracted to her and she needs to do something about this (know this won't work)5. Porn (getting bored with this)6. Divorce (don't want to do this)7. Swing (I could be persuaded)but /hijack as this is Bogart's thread.

No, not my thread at all. I didn't even come in until page 6. This thread is for everyone. Anything and everything you can post will help someone else out there and hopefully someone can help you as well.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

but /hijack as this is Bogart's thread.

No, not my thread at all. I didn't even come in until page 6. This thread is for everyone. Anything and everything you can post will help someone else out there and hopefully someone can help you as well.

Yeah, I was a big fan of the Clifford hijack.

 

[Clifford]

Maybe this guy?

http://www.tennismates.com/images/in_master_pro_ken_dehart.JPG

 

[JFT Ben]

I talked about needing to have patience, that I can't expect everything to be fixed right away. How I have given my wife a lot of material to take in and she needs time to process it. .....His mantra was: You can change who you are, you can't change who your partner is, you can't change other people. All you can do is adapt and do your best to maintain relationships, but you can't force others to make it work.

To share a little: These points are exactly what I'm/we're working through right now as well. Our recent progress has been up or down as a couple as we try to define, change or grow into new roles/expectations. Personnally, the Power of Now and Hidden Self are doing wonders to calm my inner mind, feel positive energy and not dwell on the relative infrequency of intimacy, but it's a battle as my natural inclination is to feel hurt or slighted on the perceived rejection when that isn't necessarily my wife's intention at the time. As I may have mentioned in an earlier post, to her credit, she's reading "The Sexually Confident Wife" after which she'll read a book I've finished called "6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship". The second book has exercises (probably similar to 5 Languages) to see where we stand on certain topics, and I hope will continue to spur communication on our issues. One of my biggest gripes right now is that while my wife and I are working towards similar goals, mine is a very high priority (and I can certainly improve myself individually at the rate I want) she gets around to reading/thinking of these issues when she grows bored of other distractions that I think are useless (facebook, bad TV, wordfriend). May have to address that here soon...

 

[Sabertooth]

Maybe this guy?http://www.tennismates.com/images/in_master_pro_ken_dehart.JPG

Is that Snogger?

 

[CBusAlex]

There are a few options:1. Give up on sex and accept that you're no longer attracted to your wife (don't want to do this)2. Cheat (don't want to do this)3. Try to subtly coax your wife into exercising more by finding mutual activities (trying this)4. Be blunt and tell your wife that you're no longer attracted to her and she needs to do something about this (know this won't work)5. Porn (getting bored with this)6. Divorce (don't want to do this)7. Swing (I could be persuaded)

Watch less porn. Seriously.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

There are a few options:1. Give up on sex and accept that you're no longer attracted to your wife (don't want to do this)2. Cheat (don't want to do this)3. Try to subtly coax your wife into exercising more by finding mutual activities (trying this)4. Be blunt and tell your wife that you're no longer attracted to her and she needs to do something about this (know this won't work)5. Porn (getting bored with this)6. Divorce (don't want to do this)7. Swing (I could be persuaded)

Watch less porn. Seriously.

Can you elaborate on this? Why do you think this would help?And I should make clear that I'm only asking because of an academic curiosity. I'm not going to take your advice.

 

[Ministry of Pain]

I am taking a Sexuality class in Psychology and I definitely need to fire up a thread. Dr. MOP will share the secrets of love with everyone.

I haven't checked in since about page 2...we are on 27...cliff notes?

 

[Idiot Boxer]

I am taking a Sexuality class in Psychology and I definitely need to fire up a thread. Dr. MOP will share the secrets of love with everyone. I haven't checked in since about page 2...we are on 27...cliff notes?

BACK THE TRUCK UP!

 

[Clifford]

There are a few options:1. Give up on sex and accept that you're no longer attracted to your wife (don't want to do this)2. Cheat (don't want to do this)3. Try to subtly coax your wife into exercising more by finding mutual activities (trying this)4. Be blunt and tell your wife that you're no longer attracted to her and she needs to do something about this (know this won't work)5. Porn (getting bored with this)6. Divorce (don't want to do this)7. Swing (I could be persuaded)

Watch less porn. Seriously.

Can you elaborate on this? Why do you think this would help?And I should make clear that I'm only asking because of an academic curiosity. I'm not going to take your advice.

I think he's right. It creates unrealistic expectations of both body image and sex that really can not be replicated in a marriage. However, sears catalogs are a poor substitute.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

Watch less porn. Seriously.

Can you elaborate on this? Why do you think this would help?And I should make clear that I'm only asking because of an academic curiosity. I'm not going to take your advice.

I think he's right. It creates unrealistic expectations of both body image and sex that really can not be replicated in a marriage. However, sears catalogs are a poor substitute.

I guess I can see that, but it seems like there are some situations where a husband is not attracted to his wife and is unlikely to become attracted to her. In that instance, it seems like porn could be a useful outlet rather than actually cheating.

 

[IvanKaramazov]

What kind of f'd up world do we live in when a man will turn down real life sex for a video game. No wonder this world is a mess.

There are plenty of women I would ignore in favor of a video game.

My wife is a distance runner and has kept herself in excellent shape. Most women her age, though, are carrying at least 20 pounds of extra weight and many have a lot more than that. I'd be playing a lot of Bad Company 2 if I was married to one of those.

 

[CBusAlex]

Can you elaborate on this? Why do you think this would help?And I should make clear that I'm only asking because of an academic curiosity. I'm not going to take your advice.

Personally, I've found that when I'm in a long-term relationship, the more porn I watch the less interest in sex with the SO I have. Cutting back has worked for me when dealing with similar issues.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

Personally, I've found that when I'm in a long-term relationship, the more porn I watch the less interest in sex with the SO I have. Cutting back has worked for me when dealing with similar issues.

If this thread has taught me anything, it's that disinterest in sex is a powerful weapon. Why would you want to mess that up by giving up sweet, sweet porn?

 

[iamsmilin]

I'll let you know how it goes. It's worth trying before other options.

I'm serious when I mention mountain biking. It's fun and you get some adrenaline going when you go down those hills. Just start off a little easier.

What kind of f'd up world do we live in when a man will turn down real life sex for a video game. No wonder this world is a mess.

There are plenty of women I would ignore in favor of a video game.

My wife is a distance runner and has kept herself in excellent shape. Most women her age, though, are carrying at least 20 pounds of extra weight and many have a lot more than that. I'd be playing a lot of Bad Company 2 if I was married to one of those.

To be fair, the woman I am talking about is on the plus side but he married her at that size.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

To be fair, the woman I am talking about is on the plus side but he married her at that size.

The fact that he married her at that size should make her more attractive to him now?

 

[Idiot Boxer]

I'm guessing she no longer does the special things she used to do to make him overlook the size issue.

 

[Smarge]

I'll let you know how it goes. It's worth trying before other options.

I'm serious when I mention mountain biking. It's fun and you get some adrenaline going when you go down those hills. Just start off a little easier.

I did the biking thing, bought a couple of bikes a little over a month ago. I've gone on several rides, the wife once. She was struggling pretty quickly, felt bad about that, and hasn't been interested in going again. Will be giving it another shot again this weekend.

 

[iamsmilin]

To be fair, the woman I am talking about is on the plus side but he married her at that size.

The fact that he married her at that size should make her more attractive to him now?

Well it shouldn't make her any less attractive to him now. He knew what he was getting into, literally.

I'm guessing she no longer does the special things she used to do to make him overlook the size issue.

That is a high possibility. My guess is that he's getting his jollies somewhere else.

I'll let you know how it goes. It's worth trying before other options.

I'm serious when I mention mountain biking. It's fun and you get some adrenaline going when you go down those hills. Just start off a little easier.

I did the biking thing, bought a couple of bikes a little over a month ago. I've gone on several rides, the wife once. She was struggling pretty quickly, felt bad about that, and hasn't been interested in going again. Will be giving it another shot again this weekend.

It's hard at first but hopefully she will stick to it. Do you have any other friends that bike? What helped with us is we had a mix group of people going. It all started with the husbands, then the wives got involved.

 

[Disco Stu]

I'm guessing she no longer does the special things she used to do to make him overlook the size issue.

That is a high possibility. My guess is that he's getting his jollies somewhere else.

Clearly.

 

[Jojo the circus boy]

One for the thread: what if the problem is that you seriously are no longer interested in having sex with your wife?

What exactly are you asking? Whether people in that situation should always divorce?

There are a few options:1. Give up on sex and accept that you're no longer attracted to your wife (don't want to do this)2. Cheat (don't want to do this)3. Try to subtly coax your wife into exercising more by finding mutual activities (trying this)4. Be blunt and tell your wife that you're no longer attracted to her and she needs to do something about this (know this won't work)5. Porn (getting bored with this)6. Divorce (don't want to do this)7. Swing (I could be persuaded)but /hijack as this is Bogart's thread.

6 - www.nomarriage.com7 - sure you could, but could she?2 - strip club and/or South America5 - the best of the rest3 - if she lost 5 lbs., are you really going to be *that* much more attracted to her?4 - better than the only option left (See option #6)1 - no

 

[Mrs. BSR]

Bogart, all good news. I don't mean to sound #####y but I'm glad your counselor didn't get to take his "break." This is your life right now, your marriage. Much more important.

Now that she opened up to you about not having the desire, you could suggest looking into her getting some medical advice for that. Now that the communication seems to be opening, and she opened up to you about sexual desire, talk to her about it. See if this is something she'd be willing to look into.

IMO, as a woman, when you have that sexual desire you feel so good about yourself. I think some women feel "broken" when they lose that desire. I also think smilin is right when she said the more you have sex, the more you want it.

 

[Clifford]

One for the thread: what if the problem is that you seriously are no longer interested in having sex with your wife?

What exactly are you asking? Whether people in that situation should always divorce?

There are a few options:1. Give up on sex and accept that you're no longer attracted to your wife (don't want to do this)2. Cheat (don't want to do this)3. Try to subtly coax your wife into exercising more by finding mutual activities (trying this)4. Be blunt and tell your wife that you're no longer attracted to her and she needs to do something about this (know this won't work)5. Porn (getting bored with this)6. Divorce (don't want to do this)7. Swing (I could be persuaded)but /hijack as this is Bogart's thread.

6 - www.nomarriage.com7 - sure you could, but could she?2 - strip club and/or South America5 - the best of the rest3 - if she lost 5 lbs., are you really going to be *that* much more attracted to her?4 - better than the only option left (See option #6)1 - no

Funny stuff We have a kid but man I was at a local state park today and I am only attracted tomslender, good looking women. This is a problem ad my wife is many wonderful things bu slender is not one of them.

 

[LongDuckDong]

Bogart, as someone who knows what your shoes felt like, you're probably the 1 in a 1000 here. You want to be with her, she wants to be with you, you're working together towards something.

I wish the very best for you. It sounds like you guys got to things before it was too late.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

One for the thread: what if the problem is that you seriously are no longer interested in having sex with your wife?

What exactly are you asking? Whether people in that situation should always divorce?

There are a few options:1. Give up on sex and accept that you're no longer attracted to your wife (don't want to do this)2. Cheat (don't want to do this)3. Try to subtly coax your wife into exercising more by finding mutual activities (trying this)4. Be blunt and tell your wife that you're no longer attracted to her and she needs to do something about this (know this won't work)5. Porn (getting bored with this)6. Divorce (don't want to do this)7. Swing (I could be persuaded)but /hijack as this is Bogart's thread.

6 - www.nomarriage.com7 - sure you could, but could she?2 - strip club and/or South America5 - the best of the rest3 - if she lost 5 lbs., are you really going to be *that* much more attracted to her?4 - better than the only option left (See option #6)1 - no

I didn't read this list very carefully before, but is there a difference between #1 and #5? I would assume that "giving up on sex" would involve watching a lot of porn.

 

[Bogart]

Bogart, all good news. I don't mean to sound #####y but I'm glad your counselor didn't get to take his "break." This is your life right now, your marriage. Much more important.Now that she opened up to you about not having the desire, you could suggest looking into her getting some medical advice for that. Now that the communication seems to be opening, and she opened up to you about sexual desire, talk to her about it. See if this is something she'd be willing to look into. IMO, as a woman, when you have that sexual desire you feel so good about yourself. I think some women feel "broken" when they lose that desire. I also think smilin is right when she said the more you have sex, the more you want it.

Thanks Mrs. BSR as always.I agree, the session without the break made me much happier. I think it will be the norm from here on out. Too much stuff to get through to waste time.As for her getting medical help, it will be something that I will try, but I see some real denial coming from her. My wife really has issues not only with lack of sexual desire, but also with anger issues and overall depression/constant negative outlook on life. Now, those all very well might be tied together in some way and might all be able to be fixed, but if not, that is asking a person to change, and change a lot. And if she doesn't want to change, I can't make her. The therapist has really hammered home this idea of we can't change the other person and we can't change who we are. It almost feels like he is saying it, not to tell us how to fix things, but showing us where things can't be fixed. More of a "learn to deal with this person as they are, or go a different way."Still a long way to go.

Bogart, as someone who knows what your shoes felt like, you're probably the 1 in a 1000 here. You want to be with her, she wants to be with you, you're working together towards something. I wish the very best for you. It sounds like you guys got to things before it was too late.

Thanks GB. Appreciate the kind words.I have to say, I don't know if we got to things before it's too late. Being completely honest, the idea of divorce and starting new, with all of the headaches and changes and sacrifices is still feeling very appealing to me a large portion of the time. It's something that I am struggling with big time right now. I get my wife to counseling, she starts to open up, starts trying to do some of the right things, and I'm just not satisfied. I have a hard time as seeing it as nothing more than the response of a desperate person trying to keep the world she knows together. I know it's about patience right now, seeing this through, working as hard as I can to make it work. But that doesn't change the fact about how I feel. Deep down I don't think she is going to make lasting changes, and I refuse to live in a relationship where sex is a weekly chore to be checked off, and I have to threaten divorce to get temporary positive changes around the house.

 

[Maurile Tremblay]

Now that she opened up to you about not having the desire, you could suggest looking into her getting some medical advice for that. Now that the communication seems to be opening, and she opened up to you about sexual desire, talk to her about it. See if this is something she'd be willing to look into.

Yes. If her overall sex drive has waned, it may be related to stress or to diet. In any case, there is likely a physiological component — she is not simply choosing to have a low sex drive.If she consumes soy foods or excessive fructose, I'd try cutting those things out. I'd also make sure to get sufficient vitamin-rich fats, like from egg yolks, salmon (or other fish), butter, full-fat yogurt, etc.

 

[Walton Goggins]

One for the thread: what if the problem is that you seriously are no longer interested in having sex with your wife?

What exactly are you asking? Whether people in that situation should always divorce?

There are a few options:1. Give up on sex and accept that you're no longer attracted to your wife (don't want to do this)2. Cheat (don't want to do this)3. Try to subtly coax your wife into exercising more by finding mutual activities (trying this)4. Be blunt and tell your wife that you're no longer attracted to her and she needs to do something about this (know this won't work)5. Porn (getting bored with this)6. Divorce (don't want to do this)7. Swing (I could be persuaded)but /hijack as this is Bogart's thread.

6 - www.nomarriage.com7 - sure you could, but could she?2 - strip club and/or South America5 - the best of the rest3 - if she lost 5 lbs., are you really going to be *that* much more attracted to her?4 - better than the only option left (See option #6)1 - no

Funny stuff We have a kid but man I was at a local state park today and I am only attracted tomslender, good looking women. This is a problem ad my wife is many wonderful things bu slender is not one of them.

Was she slender when you dated and first got married?

 

[Walton Goggins]

Bogart, all good news. I don't mean to sound #####y but I'm glad your counselor didn't get to take his "break." This is your life right now, your marriage. Much more important.

Now that she opened up to you about not having the desire, you could suggest looking into her getting some medical advice for that. Now that the communication seems to be opening, and she opened up to you about sexual desire, talk to her about it. See if this is something she'd be willing to look into.

IMO, as a woman, when you have that sexual desire you feel so good about yourself. I think some women feel "broken" when they lose that desire. I also think smilin is right when she said the more you have sex, the more you want it.

Thanks Mrs. BSR as always.I agree, the session without the break made me much happier. I think it will be the norm from here on out. Too much stuff to get through to waste time.

As for her getting medical help, it will be something that I will try, but I see some real denial coming from her. My wife really has issues not only with lack of sexual desire, but also with anger issues and overall depression/constant negative outlook on life. Now, those all very well might be tied together in some way and might all be able to be fixed, but if not, that is asking a person to change, and change a lot. And if she doesn't want to change, I can't make her. The therapist has really hammered home this idea of we can't change the other person and we can't change who we are. It almost feels like he is saying it, not to tell us how to fix things, but showing us where things can't be fixed. More of a "learn to deal with this person as they are, or go a different way."

Still a long way to go.

Bogart, as someone who knows what your shoes felt like, you're probably the 1 in a 1000 here. You want to be with her, she wants to be with you, you're working together towards something.

I wish the very best for you. It sounds like you guys got to things before it was too late.

Thanks GB. Appreciate the kind words.

I have to say, I don't know if we got to things before it's too late. Being completely honest, the idea of divorce and starting new, with all of the headaches and changes and sacrifices is still feeling very appealing to me a large portion of the time. It's something that I am struggling with big time right now. I get my wife to counseling, she starts to open up, starts trying to do some of the right things, and I'm just not satisfied. I have a hard time as seeing it as nothing more than the response of a desperate person trying to keep the world she knows together. I know it's about patience right now, seeing this through, working as hard as I can to make it work. But that doesn't change the fact about how I feel. Deep down I don't think she is going to make lasting changes, and I refuse to live in a relationship where sex is a weekly chore to be checked off, and I have to threaten divorce to get temporary positive changes around the house.

To be honest I think you really need to be honest with yourself here, it's fairly obvious to me that you've moved on already and only going to see professional help with your ex so you don't feel guilty in divorcing her. If I'm right why put her through this?

 

[Clifford]

One for the thread: what if the problem is that you seriously are no longer interested in having sex with your wife?

What exactly are you asking? Whether people in that situation should always divorce?

There are a few options:1. Give up on sex and accept that you're no longer attracted to your wife (don't want to do this)2. Cheat (don't want to do this)3. Try to subtly coax your wife into exercising more by finding mutual activities (trying this)4. Be blunt and tell your wife that you're no longer attracted to her and she needs to do something about this (know this won't work)5. Porn (getting bored with this)6. Divorce (don't want to do this)7. Swing (I could be persuaded)but /hijack as this is Bogart's thread.

6 - www.nomarriage.com7 - sure you could, but could she?2 - strip club and/or South America5 - the best of the rest3 - if she lost 5 lbs., are you really going to be *that* much more attracted to her?4 - better than the only option left (See option #6)1 - no

Funny stuff We have a kid but man I was at a local state park today and I am only attracted tomslender, good looking women. This is a problem ad my wife is many wonderful things bu slender is not one of them.

 

[Bogart]

Bogart, all good news. I don't mean to sound #####y but I'm glad your counselor didn't get to take his "break." This is your life right now, your marriage. Much more important.

Now that she opened up to you about not having the desire, you could suggest looking into her getting some medical advice for that. Now that the communication seems to be opening, and she opened up to you about sexual desire, talk to her about it. See if this is something she'd be willing to look into.

IMO, as a woman, when you have that sexual desire you feel so good about yourself. I think some women feel "broken" when they lose that desire. I also think smilin is right when she said the more you have sex, the more you want it.

Thanks Mrs. BSR as always.I agree, the session without the break made me much happier. I think it will be the norm from here on out. Too much stuff to get through to waste time.

As for her getting medical help, it will be something that I will try, but I see some real denial coming from her. My wife really has issues not only with lack of sexual desire, but also with anger issues and overall depression/constant negative outlook on life. Now, those all very well might be tied together in some way and might all be able to be fixed, but if not, that is asking a person to change, and change a lot. And if she doesn't want to change, I can't make her. The therapist has really hammered home this idea of we can't change the other person and we can't change who we are. It almost feels like he is saying it, not to tell us how to fix things, but showing us where things can't be fixed. More of a "learn to deal with this person as they are, or go a different way."

Still a long way to go.

Bogart, as someone who knows what your shoes felt like, you're probably the 1 in a 1000 here. You want to be with her, she wants to be with you, you're working together towards something.

I wish the very best for you. It sounds like you guys got to things before it was too late.

Thanks GB. Appreciate the kind words.

I have to say, I don't know if we got to things before it's too late. Being completely honest, the idea of divorce and starting new, with all of the headaches and changes and sacrifices is still feeling very appealing to me a large portion of the time. It's something that I am struggling with big time right now. I get my wife to counseling, she starts to open up, starts trying to do some of the right things, and I'm just not satisfied. I have a hard time as seeing it as nothing more than the response of a desperate person trying to keep the world she knows together. I know it's about patience right now, seeing this through, working as hard as I can to make it work. But that doesn't change the fact about how I feel. Deep down I don't think she is going to make lasting changes, and I refuse to live in a relationship where sex is a weekly chore to be checked off, and I have to threaten divorce to get temporary positive changes around the house.

To be honest I think you really need to be honest with yourself here, it's fairly obvious to me that you've moved on already and only going to see professional help with your ex so you don't feel guilty in divorcing her. If I'm right why put her through this?

I know that is the way is came out. Teach me to not post at 2 in the morning. I do want this to work, I really do. The idea of having that happiness within a family, watching the kids grow up, etc. is very much something I would love to have. I would take that over being single again in a heartbeat. It's my nature to look at both sides, weigh all the pros and cons, and see the best in both sides. When I have doubt about this working, my mind goes to the alternative.I have to remain patient and open.

 

[Clifford]

Have you ever gotten some strange during this marriage?

I'm sure I'll get skewered for this but sometimes it takes dancing with the devil to put the fear of God in you.

 

[Bogart]

Have you ever gotten some strange during this marriage?I'm sure I'll get skewered for this but sometimes it takes dancing with the devil to put the fear of God in you.

No, and not really sure how that would help things.

 

[Clifford]

It probably would not especially if she found out. But I has been known to clarify things. ie doing something that might actually cause q divorce might tell you whether you really want one. Kinda like attempted suicide will tell you if you really want to live.

 

[Mrs. BSR]

Bogart, all good news. I don't mean to sound #####y but I'm glad your counselor didn't get to take his "break." This is your life right now, your marriage. Much more important.Now that she opened up to you about not having the desire, you could suggest looking into her getting some medical advice for that. Now that the communication seems to be opening, and she opened up to you about sexual desire, talk to her about it. See if this is something she'd be willing to look into. IMO, as a woman, when you have that sexual desire you feel so good about yourself. I think some women feel "broken" when they lose that desire. I also think smilin is right when she said the more you have sex, the more you want it.

Thanks Mrs. BSR as always.I agree, the session without the break made me much happier. I think it will be the norm from here on out. Too much stuff to get through to waste time.As for her getting medical help, it will be something that I will try, but I see some real denial coming from her. My wife really has issues not only with lack of sexual desire, but also with anger issues and overall depression/constant negative outlook on life. Now, those all very well might be tied together in some way and might all be able to be fixed, but if not, that is asking a person to change, and change a lot. And if she doesn't want to change, I can't make her. The therapist has really hammered home this idea of we can't change the other person and we can't change who we are. It almost feels like he is saying it, not to tell us how to fix things, but showing us where things can't be fixed. More of a "learn to deal with this person as they are, or go a different way."Still a long way to go.

I was just thinking, since she explained to you about her low libido, that if she is interested, there are pills or therapy that she can take that might help. I know that doesn't deal with the rest but you never know, it might help. I thought that since she tried to explain things to you, that opened it up to the possibility that she might agree.

 

[Bogart]

Bogart, all good news. I don't mean to sound #####y but I'm glad your counselor didn't get to take his "break." This is your life right now, your marriage. Much more important.Now that she opened up to you about not having the desire, you could suggest looking into her getting some medical advice for that. Now that the communication seems to be opening, and she opened up to you about sexual desire, talk to her about it. See if this is something she'd be willing to look into. IMO, as a woman, when you have that sexual desire you feel so good about yourself. I think some women feel "broken" when they lose that desire. I also think smilin is right when she said the more you have sex, the more you want it.

Thanks Mrs. BSR as always.I agree, the session without the break made me much happier. I think it will be the norm from here on out. Too much stuff to get through to waste time.As for her getting medical help, it will be something that I will try, but I see some real denial coming from her. My wife really has issues not only with lack of sexual desire, but also with anger issues and overall depression/constant negative outlook on life. Now, those all very well might be tied together in some way and might all be able to be fixed, but if not, that is asking a person to change, and change a lot. And if she doesn't want to change, I can't make her. The therapist has really hammered home this idea of we can't change the other person and we can't change who we are. It almost feels like he is saying it, not to tell us how to fix things, but showing us where things can't be fixed. More of a "learn to deal with this person as they are, or go a different way."Still a long way to go.

I was just thinking, since she explained to you about her low libido, that if she is interested, there are pills or therapy that she can take that might help. I know that doesn't deal with the rest but you never know, it might help. I thought that since she tried to explain things to you, that opened it up to the possibility that she might agree.

Sure, I understand and agree with you. If she is willing to take that first step, she might be willing to go a little further and get help. We will see.

 

[Walton Goggins]

Bogart, all good news. I don't mean to sound #####y but I'm glad your counselor didn't get to take his "break." This is your life right now, your marriage. Much more important.

Now that she opened up to you about not having the desire, you could suggest looking into her getting some medical advice for that. Now that the communication seems to be opening, and she opened up to you about sexual desire, talk to her about it. See if this is something she'd be willing to look into.

IMO, as a woman, when you have that sexual desire you feel so good about yourself. I think some women feel "broken" when they lose that desire. I also think smilin is right when she said the more you have sex, the more you want it.

Thanks Mrs. BSR as always.I agree, the session without the break made me much happier. I think it will be the norm from here on out. Too much stuff to get through to waste time.

As for her getting medical help, it will be something that I will try, but I see some real denial coming from her. My wife really has issues not only with lack of sexual desire, but also with anger issues and overall depression/constant negative outlook on life. Now, those all very well might be tied together in some way and might all be able to be fixed, but if not, that is asking a person to change, and change a lot. And if she doesn't want to change, I can't make her. The therapist has really hammered home this idea of we can't change the other person and we can't change who we are. It almost feels like he is saying it, not to tell us how to fix things, but showing us where things can't be fixed. More of a "learn to deal with this person as they are, or go a different way."

Still a long way to go.

Bogart, as someone who knows what your shoes felt like, you're probably the 1 in a 1000 here. You want to be with her, she wants to be with you, you're working together towards something.

I wish the very best for you. It sounds like you guys got to things before it was too late.

Thanks GB. Appreciate the kind words.

I have to say, I don't know if we got to things before it's too late. Being completely honest, the idea of divorce and starting new, with all of the headaches and changes and sacrifices is still feeling very appealing to me a large portion of the time. It's something that I am struggling with big time right now. I get my wife to counseling, she starts to open up, starts trying to do some of the right things, and I'm just not satisfied. I have a hard time as seeing it as nothing more than the response of a desperate person trying to keep the world she knows together. I know it's about patience right now, seeing this through, working as hard as I can to make it work. But that doesn't change the fact about how I feel. Deep down I don't think she is going to make lasting changes, and I refuse to live in a relationship where sex is a weekly chore to be checked off, and I have to threaten divorce to get temporary positive changes around the house.

To be honest I think you really need to be honest with yourself here, it's fairly obvious to me that you've moved on already and only going to see professional help with your ex so you don't feel guilty in divorcing her. If I'm right why put her through this?

I know that is the way is came out. Teach me to not post at 2 in the morning. I do want this to work, I really do. The idea of having that happiness within a family, watching the kids grow up, etc. is very much something I would love to have. I would take that over being single again in a heartbeat. It's my nature to look at both sides, weigh all the pros and cons, and see the best in both sides. When I have doubt about this working, my mind goes to the alternative.I have to remain patient and open.

So how long do you give yourself until you bail? I mean you can always HOPE that she will turn it around and next thing you know your kids grow up in a household with their parents not happy then will probably do the same when they get married.Have you given yourself some sort of time table? 6 months? 1 year? 3 years? To me this seems like a deal where your wife will have a good day, then many bad days then see you about to bail, go see help, "play nice" for a week or so then repeat this cycle. I could be wrong but it seems like she only got better when she saw you at about your wits end. That may or may not snap her out of it since this seems like a situation that turned for the worse a long time ago.

 

[Bogart]

So how long do you give yourself until you bail? I mean you can always HOPE that she will turn it around and next thing you know your kids grow up in a household with their parents not happy then will probably do the same when they get married.Have you given yourself some sort of time table? 6 months? 1 year? 3 years? To me this seems like a deal where your wife will have a good day, then many bad days then see you about to bail, go see help, "play nice" for a week or so then repeat this cycle. I could be wrong but it seems like she only got better when she saw you at about your wits end. That may or may not snap her out of it since this seems like a situation that turned for the worse a long time ago.

I will be patient, without dragging it out. The last thing my Dad said to me was, "You will know when the time is right, and when you reach that time, you will make the right decision."I have become accountable to too many people (my parents, close friends, the entire FFA) to just run and hide and go back to the way things are.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

I have become accountable to too many people (my parents, close friends, the entire FFA) to just run and hide and go back to the way things are.

This is why god invented aliases.

 

[Bogart]

I have become accountable to too many people (my parents, close friends, the entire FFA) to just run and hide and go back to the way things are.

This is why god invented aliases.

Yeah, I thought about doing that. I'm glad I didn't.

 

[Chaka]

If she consumes soy foods or excessive fructose, I'd try cutting those things out. I'd also make sure to get sufficient vitamin-rich fats, like from egg yolks, salmon (or other fish), butter, full-fat yogurt, etc.

Hot

 

[Chaka]

What kind of f'd up world do we live in when a man will turn down real life sex for a video game. No wonder this world is a mess.

There are plenty of women I would ignore in favor of a video game.

Really? If she's your girlfriend or wife? Not me. Video games are pretty much for kids.

Really. But I doubt I will be dating or marrying any of them.

 

[Walton Goggins]

What kind of f'd up world do we live in when a man will turn down real life sex for a video game. No wonder this world is a mess.

There are plenty of women I would ignore in favor of a video game.

Really? If she's your girlfriend or wife? Not me. Video games are pretty much for kids.

Really. But I doubt I will be dating or marrying any of them.

Men who can get sex on a regular basis?

 

[Chaka]

What kind of f'd up world do we live in when a man will turn down real life sex for a video game. No wonder this world is a mess.

There are plenty of women I would ignore in favor of a video game.

Really? If she's your girlfriend or wife? Not me. Video games are pretty much for kids.

Really. But I doubt I will be dating or marrying any of them.

Men who can get sex on a regular basis?

I doubt I would be dating or marrying women who I would choose video games over in the first place.

 

[Walton Goggins]

What kind of f'd up world do we live in when a man will turn down real life sex for a video game. No wonder this world is a mess.

There are plenty of women I would ignore in favor of a video game.

Really? If she's your girlfriend or wife? Not me. Video games are pretty much for kids.

Really. But I doubt I will be dating or marrying any of them.

Men who can get sex on a regular basis?

I doubt I would be dating or marrying women who I would choose video games over in the first place.

So you'll be her step n' fetch 24/7 and forgo it all huh? Good luck to you.

 

[Chaka]

What kind of f'd up world do we live in when a man will turn down real life sex for a video game. No wonder this world is a mess.

There are plenty of women I would ignore in favor of a video game.

Really? If she's your girlfriend or wife? Not me. Video games are pretty much for kids.

Really. But I doubt I will be dating or marrying any of them.

Men who can get sex on a regular basis?

I doubt I would be dating or marrying women who I would choose video games over in the first place.

So you'll be her step n' fetch 24/7 and forgo it all huh? Good luck to you.

That's really the message you took home from that statement?

 

[Walton Goggins]

I'll continue to date/bang and play video games and watch TV and hang out with the boys. I'll have it all instead of choosing.

 

[Chaka]

I'll continue to date/bang and play video games and watch TV and hang out with the boys. I'll have it all instead of choosing.

WTF are you talking about?

 

[NewlyRetired]

I'll continue to date/bang and play video games and watch TV and hang out with the boys. I'll have it all instead of choosing.

WTF are you talking about?

I think the technical term is overcompensation.

 

[Mrs. BSR]

How are things going Bogart?