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Static with GF over her kid. Please advice (1 Viewer)

Thorn

Thorn

Footballguy
So things have been going pretty well with the gf. We are coming up on one year of dating. Lately our fights have centered around being together when she has her son. Her son is 7 and a good kid, she and the father were married for just over a year; they divorced when the kid was an infant. As far as I can tell father is a good dad and is very involved in son's life, and she and the ex get along as well as can be expected. I don't have any kids; never been married.

Until recently, I viewed the time when she had her son as our alone time. We weren't really ready for me to be "part of his life," as it were. As we have gotten more serious it has made sense for us to spend time together as the three of us. I get along very well with her son, though we don't have tons in common. His dad is a guy that likes to work on cars and watch movies, the son's interests mirror that. He has no interest in playing catch or going to sporting events or anything sporty.

It had made sense to me to schedule solo things for times when she has her son. Round of golf, beers with the guys. She is saying that I avoid her when she has him and she feels like a single mom. I'm not sure what to do here. I don't enjoy going to McDonalds with them while he plays on the playground, or even to the park just to watch him run around. I don't mind doing things with them or even doing nothing with them from time to time, but I don't think I should be hanging out every time she has her son. Am I being selfish here?

 
If you're really serious about this relationship, you honestly better get used to spending time with her son and doing the types of activites that he enjoys :shrug:

 
Depends how you look at it.

She is trying to build you into a family unit. If you want that, yeah, you're screwing up.

If you're not looking to settle down into a family unit, you're being fine and she's being unnecessarily difficult.

Just understand her needs are to not be a single mom, so she's unlikely to stick in the relationship if you don't want to be what she wants.

 
Women with kids make for complications. If you aren't ready to settle down into daddy mode and do that boring stuff better to have that discussion now.

 
If you value the relationship enough to stick with it her kid will likely have to become, at least in part, yours. If you don't want this it's probably best just to move on. I don't think her request is unreasonable given the time together. You are either prepared to take that step or you aren't.

 
Have you had this exact conversation with her?

It sounds like you both want to get more serious and that involves the kid. If you want to be with her you may have to go to McDonalds and the park once in awhile to watch. The more you are with the kid he may open up to things you like.

 
This is a really tough age for kids. The last thing that he needs is to form some kind of emotional attachment only to have it broken when your relationship doesn't work out. I think limiting your time with him is more important from that standpoint than any other reason. It doesn't mean single moms can't date, obviously, but they certainly shouldn't be doing "family type" things when guys can come and go as the relationships come and go. If this was a serious relationship and had a serious chance of a future, that's one thing. If this isn't quite there, then limiting your time with him is probably best for him.

If mom doesn't want to feel like a single mom then she shouldn't be a single mom. The fact of the matter is that, right now, she's a single mom.

 
fred_1_15301 said:
If you're really serious about this relationship, you honestly better get used to spending time with her son and doing the types of activites that he enjoys :shrug:
Click to expand...
Really accurate here...There are things that I find boring as #### doing with my kids that they enjoy doing but it's part of being a Dad. And if you are getting serious with her then you need to show you are serious with her when she has her son and when she doesn't.

 
gianmarco said:
This is a really tough age for kids. The last thing that he needs is to form some kind of emotional attachment only to have it broken when your relationship doesn't work out. I think limiting your time with him is more important from that standpoint than any other reason. It doesn't mean single moms can't date, obviously, but they certainly shouldn't be doing "family type" things when guys can come and go as the relationships come and go. If this was a serious relationship and had a serious chance of a future, that's one thing. If this isn't quite there, then limiting your time with him is probably best for him.

If mom doesn't want to feel like a single mom then she shouldn't be a single mom. The fact of the matter is that, right now, she's a single mom.
Click to expand...
A woman who has been in what sounds like a relatively serious relationship for a year probably shouldn't feel single. Mom or not.

 
Thorn said:
So things have been going pretty well with the gf. We are coming up on one year of dating. Lately our fights have centered around being together when she has her son. Her son is 7 and a good kid, she and the father were married for just over a year; they divorced when the kid was an infant. As far as I can tell father is a good dad and is very involved in son's life, and she and the ex get along as well as can be expected. I don't have any kids; never been married.

Until recently, I viewed the time when she had her son as our alone time. We weren't really ready for me to be "part of his life," as it were. As we have gotten more serious it has made sense for us to spend time together as the three of us. I get along very well with her son, though we don't have tons in common. His dad is a guy that likes to work on cars and watch movies, the son's interests mirror that. He has no interest in playing catch or going to sporting events or anything sporty.

It had made sense to me to schedule solo things for times when she has her son. Round of golf, beers with the guys. She is saying that I avoid her when she has him and she feels like a single mom. I'm not sure what to do here. I don't enjoy going to McDonalds with them while he plays on the playground, or even to the park just to watch him run around. I don't mind doing things with them or even doing nothing with them from time to time, but I don't think I should be hanging out every time she has her son. Am I being selfish here?
Click to expand...
I was in your situation and married into it. The child was a girl and little older. You don't sound like you are ready for the commitment or ready to have a parental role. Move on. Seriously.

 
fred_1_15301 said:
If you're really serious about this relationship, you honestly better get used to spending time with her son and doing the types of activites that he enjoys :shrug:
Click to expand...
Great ####### posting. If you aren't willing to put his needs/desires ahead of your own I advise you to quit shoplifting the pootie and move along.

 
Thorn said:
So things have been going pretty well with the gf. We are coming up on one year of dating. Lately our fights have centered around being together when she has her son. Her son is 7 and a good kid, she and the father were married for just over a year; they divorced when the kid was an infant. As far as I can tell father is a good dad and is very involved in son's life, and she and the ex get along as well as can be expected. I don't have any kids; never been married.

Until recently, I viewed the time when she had her son as our alone time. We weren't really ready for me to be "part of his life," as it were. As we have gotten more serious it has made sense for us to spend time together as the three of us. I get along very well with her son, though we don't have tons in common. His dad is a guy that likes to work on cars and watch movies, the son's interests mirror that. He has no interest in playing catch or going to sporting events or anything sporty.

It had made sense to me to schedule solo things for times when she has her son. Round of golf, beers with the guys. She is saying that I avoid her when she has him and she feels like a single mom. I'm not sure what to do here. I don't enjoy going to McDonalds with them while he plays on the playground, or even to the park just to watch him run around. I don't mind doing things with them or even doing nothing with them from time to time, but I don't think I should be hanging out every time she has her son. Am I being selfish here?
Click to expand...
Am I missing something? She is a single mom.

 
Basically, your GF lied to you.

She lured you into the relationship by saying "My son already has a father."

And now she is saying, "I want you to be a father to my son."

Sorry lady, but you can't have it both ways.

 
It seems like the best of both worlds at first dosent it. You get to have a super cool girlfriend one weekend and your buddies and guy stuff on the other.

Truth is, It's a package deal. Your either going to marry her or not. (in your gut you know the answer)

IF thats not you. Sack up and verbalize it. Sooner is always better in this case. Trust me don't wait to see how it plays out cause you really like partying w/ her on the off week. Another year in this realationship and you will have to break up twice, once w/ her and once w/ him.

 
Joe Summer said:
Basically, your GF lied to you. She lured you into the relationship by saying "My son already has a father." And now she is saying, "I want you to be a father to my son." Sorry lady, but you can't have it both ways.
Click to expand...
Sure she can. Her son has a father.

She wishes to share her time with her son with her committed partner.

Not too hard to figure out.

 
Thorn said:
So things have been going pretty well with the gf. We are coming up on one year of dating. Lately our fights have centered around being together when she has her son. Her son is 7 and a good kid, she and the father were married for just over a year; they divorced when the kid was an infant. As far as I can tell father is a good dad and is very involved in son's life, and she and the ex get along as well as can be expected. I don't have any kids; never been married.

Until recently, I viewed the time when she had her son as our alone time. We weren't really ready for me to be "part of his life," as it were. As we have gotten more serious it has made sense for us to spend time together as the three of us. I get along very well with her son, though we don't have tons in common. His dad is a guy that likes to work on cars and watch movies, the son's interests mirror that. He has no interest in playing catch or going to sporting events or anything sporty.

It had made sense to me to schedule solo things for times when she has her son. Round of golf, beers with the guys. She is saying that I avoid her when she has him and she feels like a single mom. I'm not sure what to do here. I don't enjoy going to McDonalds with them while he plays on the playground, or even to the park just to watch him run around. I don't mind doing things with them or even doing nothing with them from time to time, but I don't think I should be hanging out every time she has her son. Am I being selfish here?
Click to expand...
Tell her you're still going to schedule solo things even if you're someday married. Proceed from there.

I'm sure a compromise can be found, but those telling a 40(?) year old bachelor he needs to stop thinking of himself are being unrealistic.

 
WainiacS said:
It seems like the best of both worlds at first dosent it. You get to have a super cool girlfriend one weekend and your buddies and guy stuff on the other.

Truth is, It's a package deal. Your either going to marry her or not. (in your gut you know the answer)

IF thats not you. Sack up and verbalize it. Sooner is always better in this case. Trust me don't wait to see how it plays out cause you really like partying w/ her on the off week. Another year in this realationship and you will have to break up twice, once w/ her and once w/ him.
Click to expand...
Excellent take here.
 
Disco Stu said:
Thorn said:
So things have been going pretty well with the gf. We are coming up on one year of dating. Lately our fights have centered around being together when she has her son. Her son is 7 and a good kid, she and the father were married for just over a year; they divorced when the kid was an infant. As far as I can tell father is a good dad and is very involved in son's life, and she and the ex get along as well as can be expected. I don't have any kids; never been married.

Until recently, I viewed the time when she had her son as our alone time. We weren't really ready for me to be "part of his life," as it were. As we have gotten more serious it has made sense for us to spend time together as the three of us. I get along very well with her son, though we don't have tons in common. His dad is a guy that likes to work on cars and watch movies, the son's interests mirror that. He has no interest in playing catch or going to sporting events or anything sporty.

It had made sense to me to schedule solo things for times when she has her son. Round of golf, beers with the guys. She is saying that I avoid her when she has him and she feels like a single mom. I'm not sure what to do here. I don't enjoy going to McDonalds with them while he plays on the playground, or even to the park just to watch him run around. I don't mind doing things with them or even doing nothing with them from time to time, but I don't think I should be hanging out every time she has her son. Am I being selfish here?
Click to expand...
Tell her you're still going to schedule solo things even if you're someday married. Proceed from there.

I'm sure a compromise can be found, but those telling a 40(?) year old bachelor he needs to stop thinking of himself are being unrealistic.
Click to expand...
I'm not saying he has to do anything. I am saying if he wants to continue to be with this woman that means he has to be with the son as well. If he wants to be single all his life great. Tell her so and move on before it gets any messier.

 
You both handled it very well at the beginning while you figured out if you wanted something serious: Keep the boy out of it as much as possible. But as it became more serious it was always going to morph into a package deal: Want the woman? Better want the son, too.

That was pretty clear from day one that's how this would progress. If you want a long term future with this woman, you have to get right with this idea. If you can't or don't want to, rethink your future.

 
LongDuckDong said:
Joe Summer said:
Basically, your GF lied to you. She lured you into the relationship by saying "My son already has a father." And now she is saying, "I want you to be a father to my son." Sorry lady, but you can't have it both ways.
Click to expand...
Sure she can. Her son has a father.

She wishes to share her time with her son with her committed partner.

Not too hard to figure out.
Click to expand...
Right. I don't blame her too much here. They're at the year point, both of age where marriage isn't a terrible idea, so she's naturally ready for Thorn to take the husband/father role.

I think generally about one year is the standard make or break point for a relationship. She's there, Thorn just isn't yet but needs to be soon.

 
Bucky86 said:
Man up, or move on.
Click to expand...
Or maybe man up and move on. Toughest move is sometimes ending it before it's a mess. If it's the right thing to do for you, doing it now is manning up. Screwing around and not making a decision either way is the only way to be wrong here IMO.

Spend time with the kid and prepare to be an afterthought to the wants of the family or speak up now. Neither are bad long term options, but I bet they both seem bad right now.

 
I "dated" a few single moms back in the day. Never long enough to have any kind of relationship with the kids though. Wasn't something I really wanted to deal with at the time. Seems like you feel the same, but you want to keep banging this lady, but those fun carefree days from earlier in the relationship are gone. Eventually they all want to know "where this is going". She's upping the stakes. So now you have to decide if she's worth the extra commitment and responsibility that comes with this relationship, or not. If that's not something you're willing to take on, let her know as soon as possible.

 
Thorn said:
So things have been going pretty well with the gf. We are coming up on one year of dating. Lately our fights...
Click to expand...
"I hate it when mom and new dad fight."

Seriously though, how much are you guys fighting? I'm not a fan of gf drama and would look to bail. It's not like it gets easier with marriage. I know some people enjoy the passion or something so YMMV. GLLL

 
So you're cool hanging out with Moms when she doesn't have the kids, but you want to be basically single when the kids around.

I can't fathom why she'd have an issue with that.

Move on Kemosabe.

 
DCThunder said:
Who has custody of the son? GF or divorced dad? I'm not sure that is really clear.
Click to expand...
They share custody, and she is horrible about remembering which days/weekends are which since they switch it up pretty regularly to accommodate each other's schedule. This is also part of the problem. Tomorrow I am having people over for kegs n eggs before walking intown for a brew fest. She realized yesterday that it was her weekend with son. I wouldn't have planned it I knew she had her son, and I can't/won't call it off now.

DCThunder said:
And also why'd she split with her ex after only 1 year? That ought to really have red flags waving.
Click to expand...
She was very young and, I suspect, may have wanted to secure her green card.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Thorn said:
DCThunder said:
Who has custody of the son? GF or divorced dad? I'm not sure that is really clear.
Click to expand...
They share custody, and she is horrible about remembering which days/weekends are which since they switch it up pretty regularly to accommodate each other's schedule. This is also part of the problem. Tomorrow I am having people over for kegs n eggs before walking intown for a brew fest. She realized yesterday that it was her weekend with son. I wouldn't have planned it I knew she had her son, and I can't/won't call it off now.

DCThunder said:
And also why'd she split with her ex after only 1 year? That ought to really have red flags waving.
Click to expand...
She was very young and, I suspect, may have wanted to secure her green card.
Click to expand...
That's a big red flag, in my opinion.

 
Thorn said:
DCThunder said:
Who has custody of the son? GF or divorced dad? I'm not sure that is really clear.
Click to expand...
They share custody, and she is horrible about remembering which days/weekends are which since they switch it up pretty regularly to accommodate each other's schedule. This is also part of the problem. Tomorrow I am having people over for kegs n eggs before walking intown for a brew fest. She realized yesterday that it was her weekend with son. I wouldn't have planned it I knew she had her son, and I can't/won't call it off now.

DCThunder said:
And also why'd she split with her ex after only 1 year? That ought to really have red flags waving.
Click to expand...
She was very young and, I suspect, may have wanted to secure her green card.
Click to expand...
:useless:

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Henry Ford said:
Thorn said:
DCThunder said:
Who has custody of the son? GF or divorced dad? I'm not sure that is really clear.
Click to expand...
They share custody, and she is horrible about remembering which days/weekends are which since they switch it up pretty regularly to accommodate each other's schedule. This is also part of the problem. Tomorrow I am having people over for kegs n eggs before walking intown for a brew fest. She realized yesterday that it was her weekend with son. I wouldn't have planned it I knew she had her son, and I can't/won't call it off now.

DCThunder said:
And also why'd she split with her ex after only 1 year? That ought to really have red flags waving.
Click to expand...
She was very young and, I suspect, may have wanted to secure her green card.
Click to expand...
That's a big red flag, in my opinion.
Click to expand...
Meh. They switch weekends a lot and when I mentioned having people over, she said "sounds great!" without checking her calendar. It was more that she forgot the brew fest was this weekend than that she forgot she had her kid.

 
Bucky86 said:
Thorn said:
DCThunder said:
Who has custody of the son? GF or divorced dad? I'm not sure that is really clear.
Click to expand...
They share custody, and she is horrible about remembering which days/weekends are which since they switch it up pretty regularly to accommodate each other's schedule. This is also part of the problem. Tomorrow I am having people over for kegs n eggs before walking intown for a brew fest. She realized yesterday that it was her weekend with son. I wouldn't have planned it I knew she had her son, and I can't/won't call it off now.

DCThunder said:
And also why'd she split with her ex after only 1 year? That ought to really have red flags waving.
Click to expand...
She was very young and, I suspect, may have wanted to secure her green card.
Click to expand...
:useless:
Click to expand...
Green card

 
GB Thorn, my ex and I also are flexible when it comes to scheduling. What has worked for us is a shared google calendar. Set it up so all three (or four if her ex has a SO) of you can see it. Helps greatly reduce this "oh I forgot we switched weekends" stuff.

 
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