After careful consideration, I want to die after my 85th year

[cosjobs 14,811]

My parents are 91 and 93. They want to keep on going and that's okay with me, but personally, I would like to have about an 85 year commitment.

I know a lot of you are thinking, big deal, you'll never make it that far anyway. That may be the case, but I would like to take steps that I have some control on my exit.

I know of very few people over 85 that do much of anything but watch tv. I really do not see me doing much different and even with Netflix I expect it to be a dreary existence.

My parents are both in hospice now. Not for any particular ailment or disease, but because everyone's pretty sure they won't last much longer and all the trips to the hospital and stuff seemed to be more injurous than helpful. Evidently that's how hospice works: if you get sick your pain is taken care of, but they no longer try to "cure" you of anything. If you break a leg or cut yourself, they'll patch that up, but anything else, you are only given pain meds to make the end more pleasant. 

I need to make sure my wife agrees, as that would be the only thing that would make me want to hang on longer, but she's pretty pragmatic and I think it will be a joint decision. \We don't have kids, so That's not a consideration many of you will have.

Any lawyerguys know if there id some way I could make a legal commitment to this? It seems I I and others opted for this path, it would greatly reduce overall healthcare costs and maybe lead to an alternative way for us to go about pre-planning our exit with a date. It would sure as hell make budgeting for retirement easier. 

I googled around and found nothing about this. It seems pretty obvious as a choice that I should be entitled to, esp. if it would benefit society in general. I am curious to hear the thoughts of others.

But I want to emphasize that I am not telling others to do it and certainly not forcing them. But I would like to see it as an available, acceptable option.

 

 

 

 

[Rirruto 2,174]

Call your congressman or state legislator. I agree with most of this. There are currently 4 or 5 states that have some kind of assisted suicide/right to die laws, but the requirements are strict. 

I think it only makes sense to let people who want to opt out do so provided there are some mental health safeguards. I'm not optimistic we'll get there. However, 15-20 years ago pot, sports gambling, and gay marriage seemed like pipe dreams. Now the only people against those things are so far out of step that they almost aren't worth taking seriously. 

[Mrs. Rannous 5,106]

12 minutes ago, cosjobs said:

Evidently that's how hospice works: if you get sick your pain is taken care of, but they no longer try to "cure" you of anything.

Not even close.  People who enter hospice are those who are expected to die in the next six months.  It is not for those who need assisted living or a nursing facility or a retirement home.

You do realise that they also have the option to refuse anything other than palliative care?

I do support end-of-life choice.  You are likely looking for these folks.  I made my choice when I was about 21.

[SHIZNITTTT 3,292]

Well, you could overdose on pain medication at 85.   Can't imagine a better way to go if you want to control it.  You just go to sleep, stop breathing, and pass.   Unless you do it wrong and so in that case, you would go to sleep, vomit, get taken to the ER and have a 1000 life-saving measures done to bring you back.  

After working in hospice for the last couple of years I agree 100% with OP.  I see people over 90, over 100 on a daily basis that are just alive and not living.  Having someone wipe your butt, feed you pureed food because you no longer can tolerate solid food.    Maybe you are lucky and get to sit in a Broda chair (fancy wheelchair) and get placed in front of a  t.v. all day. God forbid you get a surgically implanted feeding tube.  You can live forever in a fetal position while your body slowly decays in a hospital bed covered in bed sores (pressure ulcers), having your saliva suctioned out of your mouth because you can't swallow on your own.  Lying in bed with an adult diaper to catch your urine and feces.  Never conversing with anyone.  You are just a vegetable alive due to a feeding tube and advances in medicine and family that will not let you go.  

GL

[cosjobs 14,811]

2 minutes ago, Mrs. Rannous said:

Not even close.  People who enter hospice are those who are expected to die in the next six months.  It is not for those who need assisted living or a nursing facility or a retirement home.

You do realise that they also have the option to refuse anything other than palliative care?

I do support end-of-life choice.  You are likely looking for these folks.  I made my choice when I was about 21.

I don't want to argue, but I'm assuming the hospice taking care of both my mother and father are not lying to me. But then again, that is where I learned it and it may be wrong. Before hospice, mom or dad would be in the ER 2-3 times a month. It was expensive and hideous. Mom would take 4-5 days to recover after a trip to the hospital. It was seriously akin to torture, all the tests and other stuff they would do to try and diagnose why a 91 year old was feeling bad. Now when she is feeling bad, we they give her some  Tylenol and try to make sure she is comfortable. If she develops something painful, I hear that they are very loose with the narcotics. 

That's the "part" of hospice I'd like to use and we can call it something else. But once I hit 85, just help me be comfortable. 

[cosjobs 14,811]

5 minutes ago, SHIZNITTTT said:

Well, you could overdose on pain medication at 85.   Can't imagine a better way to go if you want to control it.  You just go to sleep, stop breathing, and pass.   Unless you do it wrong and so in that case, you would go to sleep, vomit, get taken to the ER and have a 1000 life-saving measures done to bring you back.  

After working in hospice for the last couple of years I agree 100% with OP.  I see people over 90, over 100 on a daily basis that are just alive and not living.  Having someone wipe your butt, feed you pureed food because you no longer can tolerate solid food.    Maybe you are lucky and get to sit in a Broda chair (fancy wheelchair) and get placed in front of a  t.v. all day. God forbid you get a surgically implanted feeding tube.  You can live forever in a fetal position while your body slowly decays in a hospital bed covered in bed sores (pressure ulcers), having your saliva suctioned out of your mouth because you can't swallow on your own.  Lying in bed with an adult diaper to catch your urine and feces.  Never conversing with anyone.  You are just a vegetable alive due to a feeding tube and advances in medicine and family that will not let you go.  

GL

My exit strategy has always been to park my car in the garage with the door down and engine running. A couple of Jack Daniels and some reffer and some kind of pills, maybe a Quaalude or percocet, with the Rolling Stone in the CD player.

[SHIZNITTTT 3,292]

Just now, cosjobs said:

My exit strategy has always been to park my car in the garage with the door down and engine running. A couple of Jack Daniels and some reffer and some kind of pills, maybe a Quaalude or percocet, with the Rolling Stone in the CD player.

Just clear your hard drives first. 

[El Floppo 27,942]

My parents belonged to something called the Arsenic Society iirc. Right to die assistance in case either of them got incapacitated significantly- dementia-wise. My dad died at 74 from an embellism related to pancreatic cancer (pre bad cancer, thankfully) so never had to use it.

My mom is 85, and honestly hasn't lost a step. Still works (teaches, writes and publishes) and is non-stop in all aspects of her life. Your magic number doesn't work in her case. My mil is the same age and nowhere near as vital, but still very active and doing stuff she wants (like draining the joy out of my wife).

You obviously don't want to turn into closed off, closed in lifeless husk due to aging and aging related issues. But there has to be a way of playing it by ear... I'm guessing you'll be kicking ### as an 85yo in ways your folks couldn't/wouldn't. 

[jamny 6,330]

Yeah, wouldn't put an age on it but my wife and I both agree that we want to decide when we go out.

[jamny 6,330]

19 minutes ago, cosjobs said:

My exit strategy has always been to park my car in the garage with the door down and engine running. A couple of Jack Daniels and some reffer and some kind of pills, maybe a Quaalude or percocet, with the Rolling Stone in the CD player.

Just make sure you work it somehow that a professional finds you. No need to traumatize a neighbor or friend.

 

 

eta: I would go with Bowie 

Edited January 8, 2019 by jamny

[cosjobs 14,811]

5 minutes ago, jamny said:

Just make sure you work it somehow that a professional finds you. No need to traumatize a neighbor or friend.

 

 

eta: I would go with Bowie 

absolutely on making sure who finds you. Maybe if I can get this concept accepted, we could have suicide drive-ins where we all go to say goodbye together at out end.

[Leroy Hoard 13,452]

I would wait for after my 86th birthday, just so I know what gifts i got from whom. I would then be able to change my will accordingly.

[Fan of Charles McCoy 195]

43 minutes ago, Rirruto said:

Call your congressman or state legislator. I agree with most of this. There are currently 4 or 5 states that have some kind of assisted suicide/right to die laws, but the requirements are strict. 

I think it only makes sense to let people who want to opt out do so provided there are some mental health safeguards. I'm not optimistic we'll get there. However, 15-20 years ago pot, sports gambling, and gay marriage seemed like pipe dreams. Now the only people against those things are so far out of step that they almost aren't worth taking seriously. 

 

51 minutes ago, cosjobs said:

My parents are 91 and 93. They want to keep on going and that's okay with me, but personally, I would like to have about an 85 year commitment.

I know a lot of you are thinking, big deal, you'll never make it that far anyway. That may be the case, but I would like to take steps that I have some control on my exit.

I know of very few people over 85 that do much of anything but watch tv. I really do not see me doing much different and even with Netflix I expect it to be a dreary existence.

My parents are both in hospice now. Not for any particular ailment or disease, but because everyone's pretty sure they won't last much longer and all the trips to the hospital and stuff seemed to be more injurous than helpful. Evidently that's how hospice works: if you get sick your pain is taken care of, but they no longer try to "cure" you of anything. If you break a leg or cut yourself, they'll patch that up, but anything else, you are only given pain meds to make the end more pleasant. 

I need to make sure my wife agrees, as that would be the only thing that would make me want to hang on longer, but she's pretty pragmatic and I think it will be a joint decision. \We don't have kids, so That's not a consideration many of you will have.

Any lawyerguys know if there id some way I could make a legal commitment to this? It seems I I and others opted for this path, it would greatly reduce overall healthcare costs and maybe lead to an alternative way for us to go about pre-planning our exit with a date. It would sure as hell make budgeting for retirement easier. 

I googled around and found nothing about this. It seems pretty obvious as a choice that I should be entitled to, esp. if it would benefit society in general. I am curious to hear the thoughts of others.

But I want to emphasize that I am not telling others to do it and certainly not forcing them. But I would like to see it as an available, acceptable option.

 

 

 

 

Just PM me your address and I’ll kill you for free. We’ll likely be close in age, so maybe a murder-suicide?

[cosjobs 14,811]

16 minutes ago, El Floppo said:

My parents belonged to something called the Arsenic Society iirc. Right to die assistance in case either of them got incapacitated significantly- dementia-wise. My dad died at 74 from an embellism related to pancreatic cancer (pre bad cancer, thankfully) so never had to use it.

My mom is 85, and honestly hasn't lost a step. Still works (teaches, writes and publishes) and is non-stop in all aspects of her life. Your magic number doesn't work in her case. My mil is the same age and nowhere near as vital, but still very active and doing stuff she wants (like draining the joy out of my wife).

You obviously don't want to turn into closed off, closed in lifeless husk due to aging and aging related issues. But there has to be a way of playing it by ear... I'm guessing you'll be kicking ### as an 85yo in ways your folks couldn't/wouldn't. 

Not so sure about that. And maybe there should be a way to have "take-backs" if you suddenly became healthy at 84.

[Leroy Hoard 13,452]

1 minute ago, cosjobs said:

absolutely on making sure who finds you. Maybe if I can get this concept accepted, we could have suicide drive-ins where we all go to say goodbye together at out end.

Next best thing.

https://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/suicide_booth_futurama.gif

[cosjobs 14,811]

2 minutes ago, Leroy Hoard said:

I would wait for after my 86th birthday, just so I know what gifts i got from whom. I would then be able to change my will accordingly.

I think I worded it as the end of my 85th year. Just to give me a little wiggle room

[cosjobs 14,811]

3 minutes ago, Fan of Charles McCoy said:

 

Just PM me your address and I’ll kill you for free. We’ll likely be close in age, so maybe a murder-suicide?

But I really like the Stones and Quaaludes

[cosjobs 14,811]

@Joe 8ryant @proninja

I'd like input from some people of faith. I think that will be where I would meet the most resistance, so I'll start with the most abnormally reasonable Christians I know.

[pantherclub 2,005]

i am going to start doing heroin in my late 70s.  

[cosjobs 14,811]

Just now, pantherclub said:

i am going to start doing heroin in my late 70s.  

better than tv, I hear

[eoMMan 5,663]

Kind of sad that we can talk about offing ourselves here but can't talk about beautiful women.

Just saying. 

[Da Guru 6,304]

I would take a healthy 85 as check out date as well.  But of course if you are healthy you don`t want to check out.

My friends dad died last year at 82.  This guy came and watched football with us, drank beer all the time, worked out everyday, golfed, lived life with very few  aches and pains. Of course everybody has a few at that age but he was is good shape

The day he passed he asked his wife if she wanted cereal for breakfast as he was in the kitchen and she said yes..one minute later she came in to eat and he was dead at the table.  What a great way to go out.

Edited January 8, 2019 by Da Guru

[El Floppo 27,942]

12 minutes ago, cosjobs said:

15 minutes ago, Leroy Hoard said:

I would wait for after my 86th birthday, just so I know what gifts i got from whom. I would then be able to change my will accordingly.

I think I worded it as the end of my 85th year. Just to give me a little wiggle room

Yeah. That's what I used to think. But waiting until your 89th is the money.

[bradyfan 1,043]

85 is the new 65.  Many people in their 80’s remain active, doing thing they love.

[cosjobs 14,811]

2 minutes ago, bradyfan said:

85 is the new 65.  Many people in their 80’s remain active, doing thing they love.

not many that I have seen. I know they exist, but I'm pretty sure they are a small percentage.

[SHIZNITTTT 3,292]

maybe you could rob a few banks give the money to the charity of your choice before you check out? 

[pantherclub 2,005]

5 minutes ago, bradyfan said:

85 is the new 65.  Many people in their 80’s remain active, doing thing they love.

i dont think thats true

[Da Guru 6,304]

4 minutes ago, pantherclub said:

i dont think thats true

Some..not many. Others can be active with help.

[bradyfan 1,043]

8 minutes ago, pantherclub said:

i dont think thats true

Oldest uncle who is 83 still works part time as CFO and grandma who is probably over 100 still lives at home (her mother lived well past 100).

Edited January 8, 2019 by bradyfan

[AAABatteries 24,465]

50 minutes ago, jamny said:

Yeah, wouldn't put an age on it but my wife and I both agree that we want to decide when we go out.

Yeah, no way I would put an age on it.  There may be medical breakthroughs in the next 30 years which has us living and extra 5, 10, 50 years with decent quality of life.

[gmbacm 362]

40 minutes ago, cosjobs said:

I think I worded it as the end of my 85th year. Just to give me a little wiggle room

careful with your wording, this is 85th birthday. 👻

[CurlyNight 2,617]

In my state, Ca, if something happens you need to be hospitalized, you can immediately sign yourself out of hospice then go back on if you want. You can be in hospice for a long time. I've got an online stage 4 cancer friend who are now in their 3rd year in hospice. My bff mother was given 2 weeks back in Oct with Alzheimer's and at 92 she's done almost a 180 and looks pretty good.Not common but it does happen.

[kutta 5,497]

My wife and I have a serious deal where if one of us starts to lose it, it’s on the other one to get them the help they need to check out. No way do I want to be a mess with dementia or Alzheimer’s or some other messed up stuff, and she doesn’t either. 

However, if I’m healthy and feeling good, I’ll keep kicking forever. Too much good whiskey to drink and good ribeyes to eat to check out early if I don’t have to.

[TheDirtyWord 948]

For me, it’s more about not worrying about what I eat/drink...pill popping to keep certain aging conditions at bay.  I wouldn’t put a ‘year’ on it, but life events I’d like to see, be a part of would be things I feel like I’ll map out once I retire and course correct as needed.

[Jefferson the Caregiver 928]

I agree 100% with the sentiment but it's not to an exact age but overall health and well being.  As long as my quality of life is decent and if that means I watch a lot of Netflix, so be it, than I'd want to keep going.  The minute that is no longer the case, I will want out.  

[cosjobs 14,811]

11 minutes ago, Jefferson the Caregiver said:

I agree 100% with the sentiment but it's not to an exact age but overall health and well being.  As long as my quality of life is decent and if that means I watch a lot of Netflix, so be it, than I'd want to keep going.  The minute that is no longer the case, I will want out.  

what if you only got Hulu?

[General Malaise 26,438]

After watching my mom die a pretty sufferable death with 6 months of needless medical procedures that cost taxpayers and my family well over a million dollars simply to extend what was left of what rapidly became a miserable existence, I am all in favor of calling it a life for myself when I want to do so.  I don't want to burden my family or the tax payers to keep me alive just to suck air another day.  

I get more jaded and less interested in living to be old every day.  

[kutta 5,497]

Maybe we could work out a deal where if you hit a certain age and are in a particular state of health, if you choose to die by medical means instead of staying alive on the tax payers’ dime, your heirs will get $100k or something. Could save a ton of money and needless suffering.

[matuski 4,959]

Hospice.

I'd rather move on to whatever is next.

[prosopis 1,516]

☯️

[cosjobs 14,811]

1 minute ago, prosopis said:

☯️

wat

[Smack Tripper 2,748]

How old are you cos?

[cosjobs 14,811]

35 minutes ago, kutta said:

Maybe we could work out a deal where if you hit a certain age and are in a particular state of health, if you choose to die by medical means instead of staying alive on the tax payers’ dime, your heirs will get $100k or something. Could save a ton of money and needless suffering.

I think this could be well worth looking in to. 

If you agreed to only palliative measures after age 85, you should either get discounted premiums or reduce everyone else's rate.

After 83 no more prescriptions are given or needed. Get whatever you want, but pay out of pocket. Want that latest cancer drug late in life? Better start saving!

 

[cosjobs 14,811]

1 minute ago, Smack Tripper said:

How old are you cos?

22 years from self-imposed death

[Smack Tripper 2,748]

10 minutes ago, cosjobs said:

22 years from self-imposed death

That’s fair.  I’m also dealing with aging parents, a little younger than yours but my father is kind of in that same cycle.  He needs lots of care but he’s also outwardly very happy and not in any pain, so I count that as a true blessing.   I’ve asked my dad, in so many words, if he’s content to keep on going and his instinct for life is strong.  So I guess the one thing I might caution you on is to let the 85 year old you make the call.  You may see things quite differently at that point 

[-fish- 13,791]

I think age is less important than health.   My dad is 89 and still active.   Still drives, goes to baseball games, goes for walks, shops and cooks for himself.  He's pretty happy.  Mom is 85, blind, in poor health and pretty unhappy.

[cosjobs 14,811]

1 minute ago, Smack Tripper said:

That’s fair.  I’m also dealing with aging parents, a little younger than yours but my father is kind of in that same cycle.  He needs lots of care but he’s also outwardly very happy and not in any pain, so I count that as a true blessing.   I’ve asked my dad, in so many words, if he’s content to keep on going and his instinct for life is strong.  So I guess the one thing I might caution you on is to let the 85 year old you make the call.  You may see things quite differently at that point 

Things seem to go more rationally when 85 yo's are excluded from the major decision-making.

 

And as to my parents- this is in no way about them. I doubt they ever entertained the concept of living less days than the good Lord was willing to provide them. And that more than anything makes me very pensive in evaluating my own mortality.

[Mrs. Rannous 5,106]

5 hours ago, jamny said:

eta: I would go with Bowie 

Zevon.

[cosjobs 14,811]

1 minute ago, Mrs. Rannous said:

Zevon.

ooo. good choice

[Judge Smails 3,616]

Many of my friends have parents who have hit 90 and are doing well. Oldest is 92. Sure he has an oxygen tank and takes more naps.  But you should see him light up at a huge Thanksgiving table giving a great toast. And he beams around all grandkids and great grandkids. It really depends. Health over age  

If I was hit with a debilitating, slow but certain outcome disease I’ll likely check out before needless suffering for me or loved ones. If hit with cancer that was terminal I’d likely do hospice sooner than most. 

I hope I’m as brave as I see many people be in tough situations.