This is funny. (1 Viewer)

Ouch! A book just fell on my head!

I only have my shelf to blame.

GregR said:

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She moves over to him and says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

He's stunned. His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. The guy says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

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LOL

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said. "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she answered. "This is a private conversation."

A male friend, an engineer at an aircraft company, works for a woman supervisor. An active member of women's lib groups, she often showed up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans. One day, her latest button, "Adam was a rough draft," proved too much for my friend. The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own button: "Eve was no prime rib."

Two antennas meet on a roof. 

They fall in love and get married. 

The ceremony was so so......but the reception was excellent. 

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. 

GregR said:

Watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said. "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she answered. "This is a private conversation."

A male friend, an engineer at an aircraft company, works for a woman supervisor. An active member of women's lib groups, she often showed up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans. One day, her latest button, "Adam was a rough draft," proved too much for my friend. The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own button: "Eve was no prime rib."

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You should feel very very bad about yourself for posting these.

The other day I gave a homeless dude some cash (look at me!), and as I handed it to him I said,

"Here you go, broseph."

Yes, I called a homeless stranger broseph

I didn't think this was funny at all, but my friends and family all did...

The other morning I was on the can reading Facebook on my phone. I laid the phone on my lap and bent over to take care of business. When I sat back up and looked at my phone, I see that I had inadvertently posted the big smiley face with 2 giant heart eyes on some guy's Facebook feed that I barely know. His post something related to professional wrasslin and Im pretty sure no one else commented on it. I was mortified, but there was no way to remove it.   

Heard this joke on the Harmontown podcast and liked it:

Q: What's the difference between a guy that jumps off a 30 story building and a guy that jumps off a two story building?
A: The guy that jumps off the 30 story building says, "Ahhhhhhh! SPLAT!" 
     The guy that jumps off the two story building says, "SPLAT! Ahhhhhhh!"