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Jokes/Laughter Thread (1 Viewer)

The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he says. "My daddy taught me."
"Can you tell me what comes after three?"
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven," answers little Johnny.
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," answers little Johnny.

 
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden he needed to go the bathroom. He yelled out "Miss Jones I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now Johnny that is NOT the proper word to use in the situation. The correct word you want is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit then says " You're an eight but if you had bigger ####, you'd be a ten!"

 
What is the worst part about being with a hippie chick?

You ever try to peel apart a grill cheese?

We had Hippy Chicks for dinner tonight.

 
I just knew my cross-eyed friend would make a bad teacher.  He's always had trouble controlling his pupils.

(Previous jokes courtesy of Ellie from The Last Of Us)

 
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A guy is put into a nursing home and he isn’t happy. His first night he shuts the door and goes to bed. A few minutes later he door flew open and an old lady was standing there in just a trench coat. She ripped it open and yelled “Super #####!”

He looked and said  “if that’s my only two options then I’ll take the soup. “

####ey

 
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God must be a man.

How do you know that?

Because, if God was a woman, semen would taste like chocolate. 

 
ffjunk said:
A guy is put into a nursing home and he isn’t happy. His first night he shuts the door and goes to bed. A few minutes later he door flew open and an old lady was standing there in just a trench coat. She ripped it open and yelled “Super #####!”

He looked and said  “if that’s my only two options then I’ll take the soup. “

####ey
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“Ha! Great joke, Walt.”

- my dad to his boss circa 1977

 
So earlier today I rear-ended a car at a stop sign ..... i pulled over to the side of the road.... i got out to check the damage ... the other driver got out of his car........ He was a DWARF.... and he was pissed !!!.... He stormed over to my car... looked up at me.... and shouted.... "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" ....So, I looked down at him and said ...''No, you're not......you're Grumpy''...ya that went over like a loud fart in church

 
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The tale of Seanan McGuire, who when she set out to write her Newsflesh trilogy, went to some extreme lengths to make her zombie virus as realistic as possible.

Initially the people at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention were unsure how to field questions on a zombie virus. Fortunately, the receptionist recognized McGuire as the author of “The Black Death” — a folk song about the devastating plague that hit Europe in the 1300s — and offered to put her in touch with the experts.

McGuire:

I read enough books on viruses to qualify for some kind of horrible extra-credit program, audited a bunch of courses at UC Berkeley and at the California Academy of Sciences, and then started phoning the CDC persistently and asking them horrible questions.

The first time I called the CDC, I said that I wanted to talk to someone about possibly designing a zombie virus. “I’m a writer, blah-blah-blah.” And the lady who answered the phone was like, “Uh …”

I said, “My name’s Seanan McGuire. Can I leave a number? Can I do this?”

And she went, “Wait. Are you ‘The Black Death’ girl?”

“Yeah.”

She says, “Sing for me!”

So I sang “The Black Death” for the receptionist at the CDC, at which point she actually helped me find people to talk to. 

So every time I came up with a new iteration of [the virus], I would call back and say, “If I did this, this, this, this, this and this, could I raise the dead?” And every single time they would say, “No.”

And I’d say, “OK,” hang up, and go back to working. After about the 17th time, I called and said, “If I did this, this, this, this, this, this and this, could I raise the dead?” And got, “Don’t … don’t do that.” And at that point, I knew I had a viable virus.
Click to expand...

 
A cowboy was riding through an old abandoned canyon trail when he was captured by a group of ruthless banditos intent on killing him. In their drunkenness, they decided to go easy on him and grant him three requests.

For his first, he asked for his horse. He whispered something to his horse, who then rode off and returned with a beautiful woman. The banditos let the cowboy spend the night with the woman.

The same thing happened the second day, the horse returning with a second woman who the cowboy spent the night with. But when the horse returned on the third day with another woman, the cowboy lost his temper and yelled "You stupid horse! I said 'posse!'"

 
A Pole was working at a construction site where the boss left each day at eleven a.m. and was gone for two hours. This became such a regular occurrence that the rest of the workers decided to spend those two hours in the bar across the street, but the Polack decided to head home for some extra nookie with his wife. When he arrived home, he found his boss busy banging his wife in the bedroom. Well he walked right out and headed back to the job. The following day, the Polack was working his ### off when everyone headed across to the bar.

"Hey, Ski, aren’t you coming?" Asked one of them.

"Hell, no!" Said the Polack. "I almost got caught yesterday."

 
Three cowboys sat around a campfire bragging about their adventures.

The first said, "I gotta be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men. I wrestled that sum##### to the ground with my bare hands."

The second cowboy laughed, "That's nothing. I come across a rattler on the trail yesterday, grabbed it round the neck and bit its head off. I drank that venom down in one gulp, and I'm still here today!"

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the embers with his penis.

 
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and... ... ... ... ... ... ... a packet of peanuts."

The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

 
There were two blondes at the park. One said, "Look at that dead seagull over there."

And the other looked up and said, "Where?"

 
A grey goose walks into a bar and says" I'd like a scotch on the rocks." The bartender looks at the goose funny, but goes to get him his drink anyway.

The bartender continues to look at the goose so the goose asks, " Hey, what's your deal? Why do you keep looking at me like that?"

The bartender says, "Besides the fact that you are a talking goose? Well, because you order scotch when I actually have a drink named after you."

The grey goose replies, "You have a drink named Ron?"

 
So my neighbor Paul just got back from a week long skiing trip at Kaprun, Austria...he went with 2 of his buddies...he said the first night they had to share a bed ...he slept on one side and his friend joe was on the other...his buddy kent slept in the middle...when they all woke up the next morning Paul said he had the most ####ed up dream all night that he was getting a handjob...his friend Joe yelled OMG ...i had the same exact dream...Kent just looked at them both like they were crazy...he said you guys are weird...i had a nice normal dream where i was cross country skiing all night

 
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A boy asks his mother for breakfast. She says, "Not until you feed the animals."

The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicks the chicken. He does the same with the cow, and then the pig.

The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"

 
So my Neighbor ..who happens to be a priest...said he was walking around Boston last weekend....he said a woman of the night approached him and said "BJs for $20 bucks Father... if you're interested"..... Confused by this he said he just smiled and then blessed her ....when he got back to his church in Marlboro He saw one of the nuns and asked her... "Sister, what's a BJ ?"... She replied..... "$20 bucks ... Same as everywhere else "

 
A student climbs onto the roof of the Physics lab and stands at the edge like he might jump.

A professor runs out and shouts "Don't jump, you have so much potential!"

 
Farmer is sitting on his porch and sees a guy walk by with a roll of tape. The farmer says, "Hey buddy, where you going with that tape?" The guy says "this isn't regular tape, this is Duck tape, I'm going to catch me some ducks." An hour later, the farmer sees the guy walks by with six ducks caught in the tape.

The next day the farmer is sitting on his porch and the same guy walks by holding some wire. The farmer says, "Hey buddy, where you going with that wire?" The guy says "this isn't regular wire, this is chicken wire, I'm going to catch me some chickens." An hour later, the farmer sees the guy walks by with six chickens caught in the wire.

The next day the farmer is sitting on his porch and the same guy walks by holding a stick. The farmer says, "Hey buddy, where you going with that stick?" The guy says "this isn't a regular stick, this is poosaywillow"...before he could finish his sentence, the farmer says "Wait for me, I'm going to get my hat!"

 
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A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

 
Do you guys remember that woman who disappeared a few years ago, Chandra Levy? Do you remember her? I found this fascinating. Apparently, the day she disappeared, she had gone on her computer, and the last website she ever visited was an online map of the park where her body was found. That's true. I just hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited.

   - Christian Finnegan

 
A psychic giving a show calls 4 mothers and their children up to the stage.

She says to the 1st mother "you have a love of alcohol , and you named you child Brandy". She's correct and the mother is amazed.

To the 2nd mother " you have a love of sweets, and you named your child Candy". She's correct, the mother can't believe it.

To the 3rd mother " you have a love of money, you can't get enough of it, and you named your child Penny". She's correct, the mother is speechless!

The crowd is going wild!

Meanwhile , the 4th mother grabs her son by the arm and yells "c'mon ****, we're getting out of here!!"

 
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A virile, young Italian man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed 
to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?" 

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." 

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?" 

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted Italian falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" 

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian!"

 
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