Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
chet

Going to a boozy lunch today; which joke should I tell?

Which is the funniest joke?   54 members have voted

  1. 1. Which is the funniest joke?

    • Joke 1 about the pregnancy
    • Joke 2 about the condoms
    • Joke 3 about the girl on the ship

Please sign in or register to vote in this poll.

115 posts in this topic

1) An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" 

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." 

"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You #### her again."

 

2) A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" 

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."

Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

 

3) A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive"

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," The captain says.

Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

18 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All 3 pretty good, I'd go with 2 just because it's fairly short and nobody wants to listen to a long joke in person

 

You could also go with

"My mother used to tuck me in at night.

She always wanted a girl"

8 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2 and 3 are the most misogynistic so I would go with one of them, I’m sure that will play well with the company I suspect you will be in.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, JuniorGong said:

2 and 3 are the most misogynistic so I would go with one of them, I’m sure that will play well with the company I suspect you will be in.

And we found the Antifa member.  Who are you again?

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

3.

You can spin that in any direction afterwards

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Can't go wrong with the classics - 3.

The first one had me thinking about what an hermaphrodite would get.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
30 minutes ago, chet said:

And we found the Antifa member.  Who are you again?

lolwut

 

i'd go minus the script and just enjoy lunch

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I laughed more at #1 but it's pretty lengthy. Go with #3.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Liked them all. Good jokes, man.  

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A penguin was driving along a country road when smoke started coming out from under the hood. Luckily there was a town 2 miles ahead. He was able to limp along and pull into a gas station where there was also a mechanic. The mechanic said it would take about an hour to inspect the car and figure out what was wrong.

The penguin was starving and asked if there was anywhere he could get a bit to eat, preferably seafood since duh he's a penguin. The mechanic pointed up the street and said there was a diner a few blocks away that has a pretty good fish fry.

After hammering some lunch the penguin went back to the mechanic to see what was wrong with his car.

The mechanic said "Well, it looks like you blew a seal"

The penguin wiped his beak and said "Oh sorry, no that's just tartar sauce"

11 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, strykerpks said:

A penguin was driving along a country road when smoke started coming out from under the hood. Luckily there was a town 2 miles ahead. He was able to limp along and pull into a gas station where there was also a mechanic. The mechanic said it would take about an hour to inspect the car and figure out what was wrong.

The penguin was starving and asked if there was anywhere he could get a bit to eat, preferably seafood since duh he's a penguin. The mechanic pointed up the street and said there was a diner a few blocks away that has a pretty good fish fry.

After hammering some lunch the penguin went back to the mechanic to see what was wrong with his car.

The mechanic said "Well, it looks like you blew a seal"

The penguin wiped his beak and said "Oh sorry, no that's just tartar sauce"

Ive always heard it with ice cream 

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, help, something is happening to me.  I seem to have grown five penises."

Skeptical, the doctor looks him up and down and says, "How do your pants fit, then?" 

"Like a glove"

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Dan Lambskin said:

Ive always heard it with ice cream 

I've always heard "fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay pal?"

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

one for next year's Christmas party

Q: Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and it's down your chimney.
 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

one for your or Homer's next PTA meeting

Q:  What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

A: There are 20 of them.

5 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
29 minutes ago, rockaction said:

Liked them all. Good jokes, man.  

:goodposting:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I chose 3 but the correct answer is "Ham bush".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new. He tells the guy next to him “I puked on my shirt again, my wife is going to kill me” Guy tells him not to worry, just say someone else at the bar puked on you and they gave you $10 to cover the cleaning bill.

Drunk goes home, wife is pissed but he tells her the story about someone else doing it and giving him $10 to clean the shirt.

Wife reaches in his pants and pulls out $20 and says “I thought you said he gave you $10?”

Drunk replies “Yeah, he also #### in my pants”

8 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, JuniorGong said:

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new. He tells the guy next to him “I puked on my shirt again, my wife is going to kill me” Guy tells him not to worry, just say someone else at the bar puked on you and they gave you $10 to cover the cleaning bill.

Drunk goes home, wife is pissed but he tells her the story about someone else doing it and giving him $10 to clean the shirt.

Wife reaches in his pants and pulls out $20 and says “I thought you said he gave you $10?”

Drunk replies “Yeah, he also #### in my pants”

:sleep:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, bostonfred said:

A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, help, something is happening to me.  I seem to have grown five penises."

Skeptical, the doctor looks him up and down and says, "How do your pants fit, then?" 

"Like a glove"

Like a glove, Coral

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How about a riddle.

A woman brings her husband to the doctor.

 

The woman explains, "My husband has not spoken for 5 years. For the first 22 years I knew him he never had an issue like this and then suddenly, one day, he could not speak. It's not that he doesn't want to speak, it's that he can't speak. He can't speak to his friends, his children or anyone else. I've tried everything but nothing will make him speak."

 

The doctor asks the man if what his wife says is true. The man nods sadly. The doctor examines the man and finds nothing abnormal. The doctor asks the couple if anything traumatic happened around the time he stopped speaking. His wife says no and the husband shakes his head no. "Absolutely nothing happened that we can think of that could have caused this," the wife says.

 

The doctor thinks for a minute, leaves the room and returns with a hammer. "I want you to put your hand on the desk," the doctor says. The man puts his hand on the desk. The doctor grabs his wrist, making sure the man can't move his hand. "If you don't tell me 'NO' on the count of three I am going to smash your hand with this hammer." The man begins to tremble. "ONE!" The man is turning read and trying to get the word out of his mouth. "TWO!" The man is sweating, shaking and trying everything he can to speak."THREE!" The doctor slams the hammer down on the desk about six inches to the right of the mans hand. He lets go of the mans wrist. The man exhales and collapses into a chair. The man was not able to speak.

 

The doctor is perplexed. "Well, I don't have an explanation. I don't believe you're faking it, the hammer test proved that. I've never seen anything like this." The man is dejected. His wife comforts him and thanks the doctor for his time. They turn to leave the office and the doctor stops them. "Wait a second," the doctor asks. He runs to his desk and writes something on a piece of paper. He picks the paper up and excitedly hands it to the man who reads it. His eyes get big. He looks at the doctor and sound begins to emerge from his throat. The man's vocal chords awaken, "uhhhhhooooohhhh my goodness!  I can speak!  Honey, I can speak!" His wife, now in tears, embraces him. She hugs and thanks the doctor as does her husband. "I'll never be able to thank you enough, doctor." The happy couple leave the office and live happily ever after.

6 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

3 guys are hiking in the woods.  One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I ####ed up."

12 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

#3 punchline is telegraphed.

#1 is probably the funniest, but also the easiest to mess up in person, it's long and has details in it that, while not necessary to memorize, make the joke better.  If you fumble through that part, it will neuter the joke.

I would go #2.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I enjoyed all 3  thx for making me laugh today Chet 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Dan Lambskin said:

3 guys are hiking in the woods.  One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I ####ed up."

:lmao:

Never heard this one before.  I love the misdirection.  It's kind of long, but pays off at the end, IMO.  But, my sense of humor is weird.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

1 works the best....only if you can do a nice Italian accent for the dad. 

 

3 works because you can make fun of dumb New Yorkers.

 

2 is kind of lame.

 

Go with 3. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you really want to test their senses of humor, tell them Ricky Gervais' father/daughter joke.  If you haven't heard it - https://youtu.be/2QOIRuc6sZU

Adult content, but I don't think there's any foul language in it.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Leroy Hoard said:

one for your or Homer's next PTA meeting

Q:  What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

A: There are 20 of them.

Something something . . . presumptuous . . . something . . .  "that's a pretty big word for an 8 year old." 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 minutes ago, Evilgrin 72 said:

:lmao:

Never heard this one before.  I love the misdirection.  It's kind of long, but pays off at the end, IMO.  But, my sense of humor is weird.

Someone posted it awhile back, maybe in GMTAN.  I think @shuke may have even done a video of it

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Dan Lambskin said:

Ive always heard it with ice cream 

This seal blew chunks.

Chunks was his dog.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Leroy Hoard said:

one for your or Homer's next PTA meeting

Q:  What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

A: There are 20 of them.

Mods please delete if this crosses a line

Roy Moore:  “what’s the best thing about showering with a 16 year old?  They look 14 when you slick their hair back”

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Big fan of both 2 and 3.  #1 is meh.  I'd go with #2 because it's a nice short and punchy. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.