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Shtick You Use in Real Life

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New schtick under development as of yesterday. At the baggage carousel. "Not ours. Not ours. Nope. Nope. Nope. Not ours. Nope." as the bags roll off. Christ, I was annoying myself.

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26 minutes ago, Nigel said:

wrong thread

great shtick!

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A lot of mine lately have been with texting. Who knows why

1. Text a random person something random. When they respond, go "wait wrong person." Most people are left wondering "who the hell is close to my name in his phone that he confused me with?" This one's especially good with girls. 

2. This one's just straight up stupid: Late at night, again text a random person a drunk text. Do this every night for a week before moving on to another person. The next person has to be someone the first person knows. 

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On 8/21/2019 at 5:05 PM, RG623 said:

Driving my kids crazy lately with this classic:

Kid: I’m hungry

Me: Hi hungry, I’m Daddy

I do this but instead of Daddy I say Larry. 

 

My name is Kevin. 

 

 

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On 9/6/2019 at 1:17 PM, trader jake said:

(For best schtick rating) this really works if you ride a bike through the drive thru.

About 20 years ago I tried the old drive through the drive through backwards shtick and they didn’t serve me. I was so disappointed. 

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On 9/5/2019 at 5:39 PM, nirad3 said:

Using awesome names like "Jasper" when putting your name in at those self-serve ordering stations like at Taco Bell.

That way it's up on the "we're working on your order" screen AND the little Latina worker lady gets to call it out when your food's done.

When giving the hostess my name I always use mostly 80s sports and movie characters. I’m usually let down when nobody recognizes when “Rocky Balboa, party of 4”, gets mentioned over the loudspeaker. Other favorites are Joe Montana, Abe Froman and John Rambo. 

ETA - My wife and kids HATE this.I think you guys understand why I continue to do it. 

Edited by STEADYMOBBIN 22
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5 hours ago, STEADYMOBBIN 22 said:

When giving the hostess my name I always use mostly 80s sports and movie characters. I’m usually let down when nobody recognizes when “Rocky Balboa, party of 4”, gets mentioned over the loudspeaker. Other favorites are Joe Montana, Abe Froman and John Rambo. 

ETA - My wife and kids HATE this.I think you guys understand why I continue to do it. 

You gotta use John Cocktosen at least once.

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7 hours ago, STEADYMOBBIN 22 said:

About 20 years ago I tried the old drive through the drive through backwards shtick and they didn’t serve me. I was so disappointed. 

We were the reason the Roy Rodgers near us put up a sign , no walkers in the drive thru

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On 9/22/2019 at 12:43 AM, STEADYMOBBIN 22 said:

About 20 years ago I tried the old drive through the drive through backwards shtick and they didn’t serve me. I was so disappointed. 

About 20 years ago we attempted to go through a Del Taco drive-thru in a shopping cart.  I honestly don't remember whether they served us or not.  For some reason I think they did.  :lol: 

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I have a colonoscopy scheduled for 10/24 and I plan on recreating this scene after I wake up in recovery. 

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Back when local newspapers first allowed comments on their stories, they let you just post whatever without logging into anything. So you could sign off with any name you wanted. I chose guitar players like Joe Satriani and Yngwie Malmsteen. I actually had one guy tell me to go back to Sweden.

 

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34 minutes ago, Leroy Hoard said:

Back when local newspapers first allowed comments on their stories, they let you just post whatever without logging into anything. So you could sign off with any name you wanted. I chose guitar players like Joe Satriani and Yngwie Malmsteen. I actually had one guy tell me to go back to Sweden.

 

I think I’m partially responsible for these not being anonymous anymore. A long time ago I saw an online article about an office shooting in Orlando. One person injured and some damage. I was being particularly jerky that day and posted in the comments “I can’t help think that this tragedy could have been avoided if the Magic played better”. I didn’t check back for a while, but I got lit up by all kinds of people including Magic fans. Oof. It was shut down in about 2 hours after that. Lesson learned. Don’t be that guy.

Edited by Osaurus
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I started the "50 Rule" in my house... I am 50 and I can do whatever I want. When I do something my wife doesn't appreciate it, I just tell her I am protected by the 50 Rule. 

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3 hours ago, Leroy Hoard said:

Back when local newspapers first allowed comments on their stories, they let you just post whatever without logging into anything. So you could sign off with any name you wanted. I chose guitar players like Joe Satriani and Yngwie Malmsteen. I actually had one guy tell me to go back to Sweden.

 

Go back to Cleveland 

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2 hours ago, Angry Beavers said:

I started the "50 Rule" in my house... I am 50 and I can do whatever I want. When I do something my wife doesn't appreciate it, I just tell her I am protected by the 50 Rule. 

One more year, then I will be instituting this policy! Thanks! 

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last week while driving over a bridge that i regularly run on, we went past the flashing speed limit sign that tells drivers how fast they're going.

i pointed to it and said to my kids "girls, you see that sign? that tells you how fast you're moving. when i ran past that sign last week it said 32 mph!"

 

they both looked at each other like "really??".. then at me with awe as if to say "dad is some sort of cheetah".... then at mom like "really????" before my wife had to ruin it with "dad isn't really that fast, girls. the sign only measures car speed."

:hot:

 

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My son is getting to the age where he's developing his taste for music.  I've started the shtick where I purposefully say the wrong lyrics, and when he corrects me I say, "That's what I said".  Then I continue singing but use different wrong lyrics.

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2 hours ago, Kanil said:

My son is getting to the age where he's developing his taste for music.  I've started the shtick where I purposefully say the wrong lyrics, and when he corrects me I say, "That's what I said".  Then I continue singing but use different wrong lyrics.

Oh yeah this is a go-to.  Both of my kids pretend to get all irritated.  Maybe they are actually irritated but they're still laughing.  :lol:

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Not all that groundbreaking, but my new schtick with my 18 year old son is to act totally out of date.  His long term rip on me is that I'm old, and he likes to ask questions like "what was it like to not have TV when you were a kid" and jokes of that nature.  In kind, I respond with totally out of touch comments.  We were at a basketball game last night, and a rap song came on during a break.  He quizzed me if I knew who it was and I guessed Young MC.  It's really easy with sports as well with all these kids of pro's I grew up watching playing now.  He will ask if I saw Bronny's dunk in his high school game, for example, and I'll respond "dude, LeBron has been playing pro for over a decade.  I don't think his high school highlights are worth watching anymore."  

The downside is when I have to tell him something important, I have to clarify I'm not that out of touch, and he actually has to listen to whatever I have to tell him.

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On 8/26/2019 at 11:09 AM, Peak said:

I have my middle son starting down a fun path....His older sister got an Amazon Echo for her bday.  Middle-Peak has been going into her room while she's at work and setting an alarm via Alexa.  This alarm is set to go off at odd hours throughout the night with Alexa saying "Middle-Peak is your master" at full volume.  He sets the alarm throughout the day when Older-Peak is not home and just waits.  It went off last night at 10:48pm and scared his older sister out of bed.  She started yelling at him and I could hear him playing dumb from his room.  "What?  What happened?  Alexa said what?"  :lmao:

So this has started to take on a new life with the discovery of Alexa Routines. :lmao:

Older Peak has relegated her Echo Dot to her two younger brothers (Middle Peak, Little Peak).  Little Peak has learned that he can use the Alexa app on my phone to create new routines (customer responses) to specific commands.  All three kids like to use the Echo Dot in the bathroom and listen to music.  But now randomly when one of the older kids are in the shower listening to music, the Little Peak will walk by the bathroom door and say "Alexa, Vader".  The music stops, and all sorts of fun things happen.  We use smart plugs in certain rooms.  The kids thought one in the bathroom would be good as a night light.  They ask Alexa to turn it on and they make their way there.  Well, Little Peak has hijacked that with this routine.  By saying "Alexa, Vader", he has set the bathroom light to turn on/off up to 5x in a row.  Then Alexa says "Resistance is futile, prepare to die!".  Then the Imperial March starts to play at the highest volume.  The first time this went off, Middle Peak screamed at a high pitch I didn't know a male could reach.  :lmao::lmao::lmao:  You could hear him moving around, the shower curtain flailing, him yelling at Alexa "What?! No! Stop!  Alexa!! No!! Stop!!"

All I could do is sit back and enjoy what my younger ones are doing with this new technology.

Little Peak has also been working on a new routine for "Intruder Alert", and a Shrek theme routine that ends with SmashMouth playing "AllStar".  Fun times.  :lmao:

 

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Had one of those insipid gift exchange dice games at a Christmas party last night.  As usual, at the end everyone unwrapped their gifts and the hens walk around comparing everything.  I just sat very stoically enjoying my drink with my unwrapped gift sitting right in front of me. At first they were quiet about it but it was obvious it was driving them crazy.  Finally a couple of the sauntered over and questioned me on why I hadn't opened my gift.

"Oh, I've got another one of these gift exchange dealies tomorrow afternoon and it's much easier just to take this already wrapped". They weren't happy.  After further discussion I clarified my stance further by attempting to explain to them that while they viewed the game as complete, I viewed it as only the halfway point.  Doubt I'll be invited back to this party next year.  Mission accomplished.

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On 12/4/2019 at 9:28 AM, Peak said:

So this has started to take on a new life with the discovery of Alexa Routines. :lmao:

Older Peak has relegated her Echo Dot to her two younger brothers (Middle Peak, Little Peak).  Little Peak has learned that he can use the Alexa app on my phone to create new routines (customer responses) to specific commands.  All three kids like to use the Echo Dot in the bathroom and listen to music.  But now randomly when one of the older kids are in the shower listening to music, the Little Peak will walk by the bathroom door and say "Alexa, Vader".  The music stops, and all sorts of fun things happen.  We use smart plugs in certain rooms.  The kids thought one in the bathroom would be good as a night light.  They ask Alexa to turn it on and they make their way there.  Well, Little Peak has hijacked that with this routine.  By saying "Alexa, Vader", he has set the bathroom light to turn on/off up to 5x in a row.  Then Alexa says "Resistance is futile, prepare to die!".  Then the Imperial March starts to play at the highest volume.  The first time this went off, Middle Peak screamed at a high pitch I didn't know a male could reach.  :lmao::lmao::lmao:  You could hear him moving around, the shower curtain flailing, him yelling at Alexa "What?! No! Stop!  Alexa!! No!! Stop!!"

All I could do is sit back and enjoy what my younger ones are doing with this new technology.

Little Peak has also been working on a new routine for "Intruder Alert", and a Shrek theme routine that ends with SmashMouth playing "AllStar".  Fun times.  :lmao:

 

Omg - I have to figure out how to do this but I’m old and would need one of my kids to teach me 😂

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Stole this one from someone else, but I'm in the habit now of whenever someone says to me "It's good to see you", I reply with "It's good to be seen by you."

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1 hour ago, Charlie Steiner said:

Stole this one from someone else, but I'm in the habit now of whenever someone says to me "It's good to see you", I reply with "It's good to be seen by you."

Similarly, a great farewell is "Glad you got a chance to see me".  Never fails to leave them perplexed.

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New one I've been doing:

Randomly emphasize words in sentences that clearly shouldn't be emphasized 

Example: "Good AFTERNOON sir, how are YOU today?"

"Can you PICK up bananas AND apples?"

This one is pretty weird so I advise doing it on family first before doing it on random people........I've done it twice to random people and they act very confused and startled. Definitely a mainstay in my schtick repertoire however

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When someone says something that they [falsely] believes is impressive or surprising:

"GET out of the city...." :/bronsonpinchot:

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My daughter needs acknowledgment when she texts me - it does not matter how trivial the message is, she expects me to respond.  After a little while I discovered that an emoji would often suffice, so I just rolled with that for a bit, but that did not amuse me as much as my alternative has.  Now instead of simply sending a 👍 I will actually snap a picture of my thumb up ans send that instead.  Instead of sending a :sadbanana: I will actually type the words "sad banana emoji".  Instead of a :lol: , you guessed it, she gets "laughing out loud emoji" typed out.    She thinks I have totally lost my mind and that I have no idea how the internet works.  I love it. 

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48 minutes ago, Jaysus said:

My daughter needs acknowledgment when she texts me - it does not matter how trivial the message is, she expects me to respond.  After a little while I discovered that an emoji would often suffice, so I just rolled with that for a bit, but that did not amuse me as much as my alternative has.  Now instead of simply sending a 👍 I will actually snap a picture of my thumb up ans send that instead.  Instead of sending a :sadbanana: I will actually type the words "sad banana emoji".  Instead of a :lol: , you guessed it, she gets "laughing out loud emoji" typed out.    She thinks I have totally lost my mind and that I have no idea how the internet works.  I love it. 

My daughter and I do something similar.  We try to see who can send the best, most awkward GIF that is still in context of our conversation. Sometimes we use puns, other times just weird faces or awkward dances.  The goal is to make the other person laugh.  My wife doesn't understand it, but there are times we are in the same room, no one is saying anything, but my daughter and I are cracking up and/or crying while texting each other.  My wife and sons just stare at us.  It's a fun piece of the Dad/Daughter relationship I love.

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1 hour ago, Jaysus said:

My daughter needs acknowledgment when she texts me - it does not matter how trivial the message is, she expects me to respond.  After a little while I discovered that an emoji would often suffice, so I just rolled with that for a bit, but that did not amuse me as much as my alternative has.  Now instead of simply sending a 👍 I will actually snap a picture of my thumb up ans send that instead.  Instead of sending a :sadbanana: I will actually type the words "sad banana emoji".  Instead of a :lol: , you guessed it, she gets "laughing out loud emoji" typed out.    She thinks I have totally lost my mind and that I have no idea how the internet works.  I love it. 

gold

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35 minutes ago, mr. furley said:

gold

bowtie emoji 

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1 hour ago, mr. furley said:

gold

gold

Really confuse her

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On 9/5/2019 at 4:39 PM, nirad3 said:

Using awesome names like "Jasper" when putting your name in at those self-serve ordering stations like at Taco Bell.

That way it's up on the "we're working on your order" screen AND the little Latina worker lady gets to call it out when your food's done.

My daughter and I had joked about doing this for a while and decided to give them "Awesome" as my name. Can't wait for them to call it out...then...apparently I mumbled or they misheard me. "ORDER FOR POSSUM! POSSUM!  POSSUM YOU'RE ORDER IS READY!!!!" :bag: 

Edited by VandyMan
My girls called me possum for 2 weeks.
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16 hours ago, Peak said:

My daughter and I do something similar.  We try to see who can send the best, most awkward GIF that is still in context of our conversation. Sometimes we use puns, other times just weird faces or awkward dances.  The goal is to make the other person laugh.  My wife doesn't understand it, but there are times we are in the same room, no one is saying anything, but my daughter and I are cracking up and/or crying while texting each other.  My wife and sons just stare at us.  It's a fun piece of the Dad/Daughter relationship I love.

I had this couple at a closing on a house in October.  At the closing table, wife is to my left and husband is to her left.  While wife is asking escrow officer questions, husband and I are sending memes back and forth trying to make the other laugh first.  We both lost it at the same time, making it even funnier and the escrow and loan officer were like WTF.

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6 hours ago, Getzlaf15 said:

I had this couple at a closing on a house in October.  At the closing table, wife is to my left and husband is to her left.  While wife is asking escrow officer questions, husband and I are sending memes back and forth trying to make the other laugh first.  We both lost it at the same time, making it even funnier and the escrow and loan officer were like WTF.

flirting with the client's husband right in front of her... bold move.

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4 minutes ago, mr. furley said:

flirting with the client's husband right in front of her... bold move.

eek emoji

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I have no idea where I picked this up but it's been a mainstay in my schtick repertoire for years.

Whenever I'm out in public and have a chance to do a favor for a stranger (hold a door open, pick up something they dropped, reach a top shelf item for a little old lady at the grocery, etc), after they look at me and say "Thank you" I'll respond straight-faced with "No problem, that'll be a dollar" and stick my hand out.  Probably 8/10 times it gets an immediate chuckle out of the person, but every now and then it'll catch them off guard, and they immediately get the deer in headlights look.  I'll just stand there straight faced, and they'll turn to my wife for help because they think I'm serious. 

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2 hours ago, wlwiles said:

I have no idea where I picked this up but it's been a mainstay in my schtick repertoire for years.

Whenever I'm out in public and have a chance to do a favor for a stranger (hold a door open, pick up something they dropped, reach a top shelf item for a little old lady at the grocery, etc), after they look at me and say "Thank you" I'll respond straight-faced with "No problem, that'll be a dollar" and stick my hand out.  Probably 8/10 times it gets an immediate chuckle out of the person, but every now and then it'll catch them off guard, and they immediately get the deer in headlights look.  I'll just stand there straight faced, and they'll turn to my wife for help because they think I'm serious. 

My wife would divorce me if I did this in front of her.

That being said... I like it.

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One Halloween, we're in a friend's neighborhood that is great for trick or treating  All the houses are decorated for several blocks and there's just tons of people in the street with their kids.  That year I was wearing a full gorilla costume.  We're walking down the sidewalk and there's a guy wearing a Gorton's Fisherman's costume coming the opposite way with his wife (I guess).

As he's about to walk past, I step right in front of him and just start staring at him, without saying a word.  Guy is clearly taken aback at first and almost immediately you can see a "wtf" look come over his face.  After a few awkward seconds, I lean over a little and I go "Sorry....I thought you were a banana" and then kept on walking.  I didn't look back but I heard his wife cracking up.

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My wife doesn't care for spice much past jalapeno level.  I'm more of a serrano guy. She also frequently asks me to taste sauces, dips, etc. while she's making them.  I always tell her if I think its good or what it needs and always finish with, "and it could use more heat".  Every. Single. Time. Doesn't matter how hot it is. Drives her bat#### crazy.  

 

And yes, I realize that one of these days she's going to decide to teach me a lesson and make it crazy hot.  Still worth it.

Edited by Ron Swanson

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10 hours ago, Ron Swanson said:

My wife doesn't care for spice much past jalapeno level.  I'm more of a serrano guy. She also frequently asks me to taste sauces, dips, etc. while she's making them.  I always tell her if I think its good or what it needs and always finish with, "and it could use more heat".  Every. Single. Time. Doesn't matter how hot it is. Drives her bat#### crazy.  

 

And yes, I realize that one of these days she's going to decide to teach me a lesson and make it crazy hot.  Still worth it.

You should do a complete 180 and start complaining that everything is too hot. THAT is true shtick. 

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On 9/21/2019 at 11:54 PM, Don't Toews Me said:

A lot of mine lately have been with texting. Who knows why

1. Text a random person something random. When they respond, go "wait wrong person." Most people are left wondering "who the hell is close to my name in his phone that he confused me with?" This one's especially good with girls. 

2. This one's just straight up stupid: Late at night, again text a random person a drunk text. Do this every night for a week before moving on to another person. The next person has to be someone the first person knows. 

I’ve been trying to reply to texts only using National lampoon’s vacation gifs. Worked well at Christmas time due to Christmas vacation. Lots of use for cousin Eddie gifs one of my favorites to reply with is “you serious Clark?” 

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There may actually be a thread on these guys but I think it's apropos here as well... anyone watch Impractical Jokers on TruTV?  I've been watching forever and I gotta say, they have some pretty good schtick.  Been thinking of trying some of the lower-level stuff out.  :lol: 

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On 1/18/2020 at 9:07 AM, TheFatKid said:

I’ve been trying to reply to texts only using National lampoon’s vacation gifs. Worked well at Christmas time due to Christmas vacation. Lots of use for cousin Eddie gifs one of my favorites to reply with is “you serious Clark?” 

My dad looks a lot like Chevy Chase, so "you serious Clark?" is one that he's probably heard a gazillion times since that movie came out from everyone in our family.   He embraces it though, as he gets older he's become the guy that just goes out and tinkers outside for hours on end, in the yard, garage, wherever.  If anyone goes outside to find him and asks what he's doing, he'll stand up, wave and holler "####ter's Full!"

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When I'm working from the house and my wife is out she drives me crazy upon her return by wanting to know the last time the dogs were out.  Even if I have let them out by some miracIe, I don't exactly data log the event so I never know when.  So, simple solution, I have taken to texting her a picture of one of the dogs doing their business so she's got it time stamped.  She is soooo angry. "Stop send me pictures of the dogs ####ting"!

Side benefit, the dogs are thrilled. They've never been let out by me so regularly.

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