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Shtick You Use in Real Life (1 Viewer)

Hastur said:
My son is 13 and loves to play Minecraft with his friends online.  So he sits there with headphones and mic and talks to his friends while playing.  Every now and then I will yell out:

Collin, stop petting the dog there!

Collin, put your clothes on!

Collin, stop kissing the screen!

Collin, what are you doing with your sisters dolls?
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I do this too, but sub Fortnite for Minecraft

 
Bob Loblaw said:
I love to play basketball, but don't get to too much any more.  And, for years now (like since I was a teen, 42 now), when moving throughout the house, I'll periodically pretend to do elaborate layups/dunks with an imaginary ball and slap the overhead door jamb, or I'll fake dribble around the house, breaking people's ankles, doing spin moves ending with a finger roll, or stop in front of a full length mirror and work on my step backs or free throw routine.  Well, my son has started picking up on it, and he'll now run up behind me and "block" my dunk, break my ankles, steal the "ball" from me, etc.  It's awesome.  The wife hates it.  It's even awesomer when our almost 7 y.o. daughter joins in, and yells out, "OHHH, get wrecked Daddy!!!"
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Love this.  Every word.

My dad and I had a shtick like that when I was a kid.  If we were walking past each other in the house, one would get into a defensive stance and the other would try to "drive" past.  Or turn around and dribble back up into the post, Mailman/Barkley-style.  Lots of pump fakes and up-and-under moves by door jambs, or step back a fire off a sky hook.  And of course, a lot of appealing to the imaginary ref to get off his ### and call something because this is basketball, not boxing.  Or to swallow the whistle and let us play because this is basketball, not ballet.         

 
ScottNorwood said:
When I do dinosaur battles with my son, he always wins.  But after my dinosaur loses, the losing dinosaur will then threaten to tell T Rex's mom that he was being mean.
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Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.

Sorry, some reference for this random quote:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znxFrgql5dc

 
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Bob Loblaw said:
I love to play basketball, but don't get to too much any more.  And, for years now (like since I was a teen, 42 now), when moving throughout the house, I'll periodically pretend to do elaborate layups/dunks with an imaginary ball and slap the overhead door jamb, or I'll fake dribble around the house, breaking people's ankles, doing spin moves ending with a finger roll, or stop in front of a full length mirror and work on my step backs or free throw routine.  Well, my son has started picking up on it, and he'll now run up behind me and "block" my dunk, break my ankles, steal the "ball" from me, etc.  It's awesome.  The wife hates it.  It's even awesomer when our almost 7 y.o. daughter joins in, and yells out, "OHHH, get wrecked Daddy!!!"

Bruce Dickinson said:
Love this.  Every word.

My dad and I had a shtick like that when I was a kid.  If we were walking past each other in the house, one would get into a defensive stance and the other would try to "drive" past.  Or turn around and dribble back up into the post, Mailman/Barkley-style.  Lots of pump fakes and up-and-under moves by door jambs, or step back a fire off a sky hook.  And of course, a lot of appealing to the imaginary ref to get off his ### and call something because this is basketball, not boxing.  Or to swallow the whistle and let us play because this is basketball, not ballet.         
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My son and I do this as well.  He's 14, but a ball of constant energy.  He loves watching sports, but can't sit and watch.  He'll watch in our video game room, where we have a Nerf basketball hoop on the door.  He will play on that thing for hours (notes on Nerf hoops below).*  Since baseball has started, he will stand in front of the TV he is watching and work on his swing.  He's always moving.  So if my wife and I are talking in a different room, and he walks past, he won't just walk past, but he'll walk between us, go up for a layup, bump in to me and say "and one!" To which provokes a "can't be an and one when I blocked you" response.  We go back and forth like you guys do, ending with one of us committing a "flagrant" foul, the other calling it a "dangerous play" and that he should be ejected, and to clean up his game.

*More on Nerf hoops.  I don't think better $10 investment exists for kids of most ages, based on the amount of enjoyment you can get out of it.  My boys played on them so much, but would eventually break them that we bought heavy duty clear plastic versions with thing metal rims.  They still hang over the door, but they hold up longer.  They will play with the Nerf balls so long, all the paint covering starts coming off and is all over the carpet.  They will then cover the ball with duct tape and keep going.  We currently have a ball with three different colors of duct tape showing through.

 
Nigel said:
I use made up words in conversation that are shortened text-speak style, but are ones nobody else actually uses. For example, “hillair” in place of hilarious is one I introduced last week, and now use often...”holy crap, that’s hillair”. My 17 y/o daughter goes mental. “Ridic” instead of ridiculous is another. 
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This is hillair!  Can't wait to use this on my family!

 
Bob Loblaw said:
I love to play basketball, but don't get to too much any more.  And, for years now (like since I was a teen, 42 now), when moving throughout the house, I'll periodically pretend to do elaborate layups/dunks with an imaginary ball and slap the overhead door jamb, or I'll fake dribble around the house, breaking people's ankles, doing spin moves ending with a finger roll, or stop in front of a full length mirror and work on my step backs or free throw routine.  Well, my son has started picking up on it, and he'll now run up behind me and "block" my dunk, break my ankles, steal the "ball" from me, etc.  It's awesome.  The wife hates it.  It's even awesomer when our almost 7 y.o. daughter joins in, and yells out, "OHHH, get wrecked Daddy!!!"
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This is great.  I used to do all of this too including slapping the door jambs after a "layup"  :lol:    I'm not kidding when I say I haven't done any of this for years - until last weekend - when I did a between-the-legs-turn-around-step-back-fade-away-jump-shot directed at the wall clock I just adjusted for daylight savings time  :lmao:

 
Charlie Steiner said:
Two that I like to use:

1. Whenever the number 8 is mentioned in a conversation, I will add "the ocho".

2. I will reply to someone with "that's why God invented", i.e.:

Kid: We're out of milk.

Me: That's why God invented the supermarket, so we can get some more. 
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I do something similar. I say, "If only there were a place that had lots of milk for sale. And maybe they sold meat and vegetables too. That would be heaven. Oh, and if they sold beer..."

 
E-Z Glider said:
Sometimes me and a few of the other lineman like to gather up sacks of dead possums and throw them off the roof to make it look to Building Services like we have a possum problem here.  :thumbup:
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For a 53% raise I can take care of that problem for you.

 
Sweet J said:
Feel free to use:

For some reason, whenever someone uses the word "essay" in a sentence (comes up a lot, actually, with school age kids), I say "what's up, ese?"

so something like:

Kid 1: Dad, I can't believe I have to finish this 3 page essay by tomorrow!
Me: What's up, ese?
Kid 2: [Confused look]
Kid 1: Ignore him.

I. Can't. Stop. Myself.

Although my 17 year old did ask if I was being culturally insensitive.  So now I have to rethink my life decisions. 
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This has unintentionally found it's way into my real life shtick now too. I can't help myself either. I never even noticed how often my daughters say "essay".

They have no idea what it means, but it immediately elicits an  :rolleyes:  every time. 

 
When someone who has a cell phone asks some useless fact question like, "Who was the 9th president of the US?" I say, "If only we had the entirety of human knowledge stored away in a tiny device in our pockets we would be able to find out who the 9th president is in mere moments." I like this much better than, "I don't have many friends, but Google is one of them. Google can be your friend too."

 
TheFanatic said:
When someone who has a cell phone asks some useless fact question like, "Who was the 9th president of the US?" I say, "If only we had the entirety of human knowledge stored away in a tiny device in our pockets we would be able to find out who the 9th president is in mere moments." I like this much better than, "I don't have many friends, but Google is one of them. Google can be your friend too."
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Yep. I use that one when my wife calls me on her cell phone at my office to ask me directions on how to get somewhere.

 
ChiefD said:
Yep. I use that one when my wife calls me on her cell phone at my office to ask me directions on how to get somewhere.
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This, so much this! 

But my favorite is when she (or anyone for that matter) texts me and says, "hey, give me a call." Why the hell wouldn't they just call me if they want to talk? I never understood this. 

 
I've got quite a few Kramerisms that get standard play in my house.  

"Giddy-up" and "Why don't you just tell me..." are a couple of my faves. 

I also have a speaking voice for our pets, so when anyone says something to them I respond back from the animal's perspective.  You can assign any kind of personality to your pets that way.  Angry, old guy is a good one for otherwise docile critters. 

 
Captain Cranks said:
I've got quite a few Kramerisms that get standard play in my house.  

"Giddy-up" and "Why don't you just tell me..." are a couple of my faves. 

I also have a speaking voice for our pets, so when anyone says something to them I respond back from the animal's perspective.  You can assign any kind of personality to your pets that way.  Angry, old guy is a good one for otherwise docile critters. 
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I literally got my wife to start dating me back in the day by using the Jerry/Beth Lookner shtick of "I'm there for you" after she went through a breakup. I use "Giddy-up" a lot and love following it up with a "Giddy-up again."   

 
Binky The Doormat said:
what is this from?  I read in the comments that this guy ran into some "problems".  
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No clue.  Just a youtube guy that does a bunch of videos.  What type of problems?

 
Did you ever pretend there was an old man watching them all year long? An old man that has all kinds of sneaky tricks for watching them and all the other kids? The sneaky old man would make lists of who was nice and who was naughty. Once a year the old man would sneak into  the house. That's a pretty popular schtick these days. You can also do one about a huge ### bunny and a some kind of flying thing that has a real fetish for human teeth. 

 
Ilov80s said:
Did you ever pretend there was an old man watching them all year long? An old man that has all kinds of sneaky tricks for watching them and all the other kids? The sneaky old man would make lists of who was nice and who was naughty. Once a year the old man would sneak into  the house. That's a pretty popular schtick these days. You can also do one about a huge ### bunny and a some kind of flying thing that has a real fetish for human teeth. 
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There’s also that guy with a beard that died and came back to life 3 days later.

 
RokNRole said:
There’s also that guy with a beard that died and came back to life 3 days later.
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Oh yeah, he can be a real swell dude as long you don't eat meat on Fridays. If you eat meat on Fridays, his dad might burn you in hell for eternity. 

 
Sweet J said:
Feel free to use:

For some reason, whenever someone uses the word "essay" in a sentence (comes up a lot, actually, with school age kids), I say "what's up, ese?"

so something like:

Kid 1: Dad, I can't believe I have to finish this 3 page essay by tomorrow!
Me: What's up, ese?
Kid 2: [Confused look]
Kid 1: Ignore him.

I. Can't. Stop. Myself.

Although my 17 year old did ask if I was being culturally insensitive.  So now I have to rethink my life decisions. 
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:lmao:

Whenever my 10 or 12 year old say essay, I refer to them as Homes. 

Kid: I hate doing this essay

Me: I feel your pain Homes

If I have a button up shirt on, I button the top couple of buttons and unbutton the others. :shrug: Guess I am also culturally insensitive. 

My other go to happens when my kids are watching TV or playing video games. I ask what they are watching or playing and then announce it is time for "The Dad Show!" I stand in front of the screen so they can't see it and sing badly, dance badly or tell horrible jokes. They howl in protest telling me to "Move!". If they say this, I start to sing "I like to move it, move it"  and dance like a wild man. 

 
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My gf watches a lot of cooking shows. When she brings up something she saw from Nigella Lawson I do an imitation with an exaggerated Montey Python British woman’s voice.

” It’s not easy easing a family, spending time with your husband , cleaning, weaving and sewing all the clothes on their backs while tending a garden and building a new shed only to come home and find out that in 20 minutes you have 200 friends coming over for dinner.

As the daughter of a rich , prominent politician you would think I would have some help around the house...but I don’t.

With this easy recipe you can feed and entertain them all marvelously with no fuss”!

 
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Wild Young Billy said:
Anytime the family is watching TV or a movie and a character yells “Stop!”, I say ‘Hammer Time’
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When someone in my family hiccups (works best if it actually sounds like hic)  I'll follow up with my best rendition of this .... hop, Hippie to the hippie,  The hip, hip a hop, and you don't stop, a rock it out, Bubba to the bang bang boogie, boobie to the boogie  To the rhythm of the boogie the beat... or at least as far as I can get until someone hits me.

 
northern exposure said:
My other go to happens when my kids are watching TV or playing video games. I ask what they are watching or playing and then announce it is time for "The Dad Show!" I stand in front of the screen so they can't see it and sing badly, dance badly or tell horrible jokes. They howl in protest telling me to "Move!". If they say this, I start to sing "I like to move it, move it"  and dance like a wild man. 
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:lmao: :lmao:  

My dad's best friend had a few golf course shtick beats he would always hit when playing with someone for the first time.  His most famous one was when he would "accidentally" stand where his shadow crossed another player's putting line, then in a very calm and polite voice ask, "do you want me to move my shadow?" and after the "yes" response he would start jumping around and gyrating like he'd been attacked by a family of mosquitoes.  He said it was his litmus test to see if this was someone he would play golf with regularly.

If a player hit a wedge shot too high and too short, he would start coaching an imaginary infielder playing the pop-up, "Get under it, Julio!  Two hands!  You got it!"

 
A couple of buddies who are in big time sales would plant us at local bars or restaurants when they had clients in town.  The shtick was a couple of us are sitting at the bar and he walks in with clients from wherever.  We say "Hey Joe how are you..it has been a long time (Even though we just saw him the week before)  Then in awhile he goes to the rest room and we are walking out and tell his clients what a great, honorable man he is and how much they would love doing business with him and how he has taken care of us in the past"   Then we leave before he comes out.  

Our friend always reimburses us for whatever we ate and drank that day.  We probably have done this 6-7 times over the years and it seems to work our great.

I used them when I had the VP of Johnson Controls in town a few years ago.   Did the same routine and when I came out of the rest room the VP says to me "Wow..those guys really spoke highly of you"  I said...."They were just a couple of guys I have done business with in the past. (Even though I golf with them every week)

 
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While I myself understand most of these classic sayings from movies & TV, I am afraid many won't be known to future generations.

All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain...

 
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