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KCitons

Odd phone call from my Mom

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Got a call from my Mom a little bit ago. First she discussed the family plans for Christmas, since my sister won't be able to travel until the weekend after Christmas. After a few more minutes of chit chat, she asked if I could come over Thursday night at 7:30. And that they had something they needed to talk to me about. At first it sounded like she was just wanting to talk to me. I'm already listed as co-executor of their estate (with my older brother). So, thought maybe it was something to do with that. I casually asked "everything okay".  I could tell by the tone in her voice something wasn't right. She just said that she didn't want to go into it on the phone. She also mentioned that my younger brother is going to be there. 

Now I'm freaking out. I've got 2 days to let my mind run wild.

 

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Intervention?

Hopefully nothing health-wise. If it was me I say just tell me. Our minds build it up bigger than it is. 

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5 minutes ago, Johnny Rock said:

Intervention?

Hopefully nothing health-wise. If it was me I say just tell me. Our minds build it up bigger than it is. 

I started going down this path. I told her I didn't want to worry about what could be wrong for 2 days. That's when I could tell her voice was cracking and she said she didn't want to go into it on the phone. 

I don't think it's an intervention. Unless it's for my little brother. I think it's health related. My dad has been to the doctor a few times recently and they always say everything is fine. But, I've been noticing my dad has been getting shakier. When I was over last week, he had written down some notes, his handwriting has gotten so bad, I was having trouble reading it. 

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Whatever the situation is, there is nothing that you can do between now and then to change it. Worrying will not make it better. I know that that is much much much more easily said than done though.

But yeah, that sucks. I certainly wouldn’t be expecting good news after a phone call like that. Doesn’t mean it isn’t, but it certainly wouldn’t feel that way.

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My mom does crap like this too.  Don’t make a big deal out of something and not share it.  I get texts like “call me ASAP, it’s about your brother.”  I call hoping everything is ok and get stuff like “your brother told me he played golf today.” 
 

🙄

Edited by bigmarc27
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1 hour ago, KCitons said:

I started going down this path. I told her I didn't want to worry about what could be wrong for 2 days. That's when I could tell her voice was cracking and she said she didn't want to go into it on the phone. 

I don't think it's an intervention. Unless it's for my little brother. I think it's health related. My dad has been to the doctor a few times recently and they always say everything is fine. But, I've been noticing my dad has been getting shakier. When I was over last week, he had written down some notes, his handwriting has gotten so bad, I was having trouble reading it. 

Sadly, you are likely correct.  Fortunately for them, whatever they might be going through, they’ve got a bevy of children that they can lean on.

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1 hour ago, GroveDiesel said:

Whatever the situation is, there is nothing that you can do between now and then to change it. Worrying will not make it better. I know that that is much much much more easily said than done though.

But yeah, that sucks. I certainly wouldn’t be expecting good news after a phone call like that. Doesn’t mean it isn’t, but it certainly wouldn’t feel that way.

This is great advice.  Would be horribly hard to follow for someone like me who is a "walking around anxiety level 8," but great advice nonetheless.  

I'm sorry you're going through this, KCitons.  Hope that it will turn out to be something less ominous than it seems.  

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7 minutes ago, bigmarc27 said:

My mom does crap like this too.  Don’t make a big deal out of something and not share it.  I get texts like “call me ASAP, it’s about your brother.”  I call hoping everything is ok and get stuff like “your brother told me he played golf today.” 
 

🙄

My father does this all the time too.  One time he called me at work.  

Dad - "I need to talk to you about your brother.  He's been in an accident..."

Me - "Oh my god.  which brother?"

Dad - "What?  Rick..  A lady ran a red light and t-boned his cement mixer so hard it knocked it over."

Me - (freaking out) WOW!  It knocked it over??? That takes some serious force!"

Dad - "I don't know if it knocked it over"

Me - "What?  you just said.. Where is he?? Is he ok??"

Dad - "Yeah he's fine.  He's at home."

Me - :confused: :confused: :wall: :wall:

 

The best advice was already given.  Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  I lost my mother in 2004 to brain cancer.  My father has managed to beat a major heart attack, bladder cancer and early stage lung cancer so far.   My wife beat cancer.  Sometimes even the worst news ends up being not as bad as we thought.  

Best of luck man.  Thoughts and prayers. 

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i hope it turns out for the best and that you can find peace of mind

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2 hours ago, KCitons said:

I started going down this path. I told her I didn't want to worry about what could be wrong for 2 days. That's when I could tell her voice was cracking and she said she didn't want to go into it on the phone. 

I don't think it's an intervention. Unless it's for my little brother. I think it's health related. My dad has been to the doctor a few times recently and they always say everything is fine. But, I've been noticing my dad has been getting shakier. When I was over last week, he had written down some notes, his handwriting has gotten so bad, I was having trouble reading it. 

Our parents try to protect us from things.  It's easy to say not to dwell on it but I would be too.  Hoping for the best for you.

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I remember my mom telling me her cancer was no big deal. Needless to say she lied through her teeth until the day she died. Best of luck. 

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1 hour ago, bigmarc27 said:

My mom does crap like this too.  Don’t make a big deal out of something and not share it.  I get texts like “call me ASAP, it’s about your brother.”  I call hoping everything is ok and get stuff like “your brother told me he played golf today.” 
 

🙄

My mom does the opposite. Don't hear from her for a couple weeks...oh, I was diagnosed with cancer, but I've been getting everything checked out and should be ok. Ok?! Why not tell me two weeks ago?! Got into a car wreck last year in another part of the state- ends up in the hospital briefly...but doesn't call my brother or me or even tell us about it until a week later. 

 

Well...KC- will be thinking about you- hope it's not as bad as you think and is just a family gathering because little brother played golf.

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1 hour ago, shadyridr said:

Not exactly the place for jokes guys 

I think the joking in here is meant to try to distract the OP from his situation and not to belittle in any way. Mycomment was intended that way for sure, and I apologize if it was taken differently.

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1 hour ago, Rustoleum said:

I think the joking in here is meant to try to distract the OP from his situation and not to belittle in any way. Mycomment was intended that way for sure, and I apologize if it was taken differently.

Yep.  It's exactly the place for jokes along with best wishes.

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3 hours ago, El Floppo said:
5 hours ago, bigmarc27 said:

My mom does crap like this too.  Don’t make a big deal out of something and not share it.  I get texts like “call me ASAP, it’s about your brother.”  I call hoping everything is ok and get stuff like “your brother told me he played golf today.” 
 

🙄

My mom does the opposite. Don't hear from her for a couple weeks...oh, I was diagnosed with cancer, but I've been getting everything checked out and should be ok. Ok?! Why not tell me two weeks ago?! Got into a car wreck last year in another part of the state- ends up in the hospital briefly...but doesn't call my brother or me or even tell us about it until a week later

My mother does it differently than either of these. 

"Your dad's in the hospital. Not sure with what. I don't know what is going on. But don't worry about it, do your thing. I'll only call if it's bad news."

Thanks, mom, now I have to endlessly wonder just what's wrong with dad AND have a panic attack every time my phone makes a noise. 

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8 hours ago, shadyridr said:

Not exactly the place for jokes guys 

Thanks for the support shady. It's okay. 

Everyone is trying to do what they think is best in this situation. 

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10 hours ago, boots11234 said:

Good luck buddy. Maybe they saw a wasp crawl out of a light fixture?

 

10 hours ago, comfortably numb said:

Bees in her wall?

If this was the case, she wouldn't wait until Thursday. We live 5 minutes from each other. I get calls to come over and fix the computer all the time. 

 

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I got an odd call from Ned's mom a little bit ago.  She also wants me to come over at 7:30 on Thursday. 

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This is a tough one to give advice on as I'm one of those people that can spin myself into anxiety over the unknown.   The way you described the conversation makes things sound ominous--so I don't blame you for being worried.  With that said--try to be as positive as possible and just know that life has a tendency to thrown obstacles in our ways.   The vast majority of the time most of us can look back at those obstacles and realize that we had no choice but to make the best of them and to push through them.  

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39 minutes ago, jvdesigns2002 said:

This is a tough one to give advice on as I'm one of those people that can spin myself into anxiety over the unknown.   The way you described the conversation makes things sound ominous--so I don't blame you for being worried.  With that said--try to be as positive as possible and just know that life has a tendency to thrown obstacles in our ways.   The vast majority of the time most of us can look back at those obstacles and realize that we had no choice but to make the best of them and to push through them.  

This is key. I didn't sleep well. I've had plenty of time overnight to think about what it could be. Ultimately, I've decided to take a deep breath and know that nothing lasts forever. My parents are both between 75-80 years old. I've spent a lot of time with my dad, hunting, fishing, working on home improvement projects, or just helping him with his weekly computer frustrations. My sister moved away shortly after marrying and doesn't get to see them as often as I. My other siblings are in town, but I'm the one that lives closest. I've been lucky. My parents love me, my wife, and our kids very much. They show that all that time. But, as I said, nothing lasts forever. Whatever it is, it isn't about me. It's about them. I need to remain positive for them and the rest of the family. 

Sorry, I'm rambling now. 

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4 hours ago, KCitons said:

 

If this was the case, she wouldn't wait until Thursday. We live 5 minutes from each other. I get calls to come over and fix the computer all the time. 

 

If this is the case could you just go over tonight (or now) and discuss.  Why wait until Thursday?

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22 minutes ago, Gally said:

If this is the case could you just go over tonight (or now) and discuss.  Why wait until Thursday?

The thought crossed my mind. 

But, it's not about me.

If I have to let my mind run wild for 2 days, then so be it. If there is a serious health condition, then they are going through much more than I will in these 48 hours. 

Small price I have to pay to follow her wish of speaking to us all together.

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The other concern is that she didn't want to discuss this at Thanksgiving. Either because it can't wait, or she didn't want to ruin the mood. 

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10 minutes ago, KCitons said:

The thought crossed my mind. 

But, it's not about me.

If I have to let my mind run wild for 2 days, then so be it. If there is a serious health condition, then they are going through much more than I will in these 48 hours. 

Small price I have to pay to follow her wish of speaking to us all together.

I didn't realize/remember that you had ciblings that were also going to be there.  That does change it and I understand why you are waiting but have you talked to your brother?  Maybe he has the same concerns and you could contact your mom together seeing if you could meet sooner.  It really doesn't do anybody any good to wait.

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1 minute ago, Gally said:

I didn't realize/remember that you had ciblings that were also going to be there.  That does change it and I understand why you are waiting but have you talked to your brother?  Maybe he has the same concerns and you could contact your mom together seeing if you could meet sooner.  It really doesn't do anybody any good to wait.

I've texted my older brother. He doesn't know what's going on either. He had something going on tonight. So, I'm guessing Thurs was the earliest we all had available. 

 

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Vascular Dementia. The more I think about it, and hear things that my Mom and siblings have seen, the more I think he's had it for a few years.

He had a memory test 5 years ago and scored 29. His recent test put him at 21. I'm trying to understand the progression and where he falls on the scale. I think some of the family are underestimating it. (Chalking it up to old age)

My biggest concern lies with the rest of the family taking a wait and see approach at this point and the fact that my Dad (and even my Mom to a degree) are skeptical of the diagnoses. My dad even said "I feel fine" and "I still know how to get to X and back".

They gave him medicine to attempt to slow the process. But I'm not sure that does much. 

My aunt (his sister) passed away from Alzheimers about 12 years ago. If he's processing information correctly, he should recall what it was like for her. One day she was fine, the next she couldn't find her way home. I think he is either in denial about his diagnosis, or he's oblivious because of the dementia.

I'm going to talk to my older brother some more today. But I get the feeling he is downplaying this right now. Either it's his coping mechanism or he doesn't have a full understanding. Basically, wait 6 months to see what the next Dr visit reveals. Depending on when my Dad started symptoms, I dont know that there is a guarantee he will be safe during those 6 months.

Sorry. Still rambling. More questions than answers. 

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43 minutes ago, KCitons said:

Vascular Dementia. The more I think about it, and hear things that my Mom and siblings have seen, the more I think he's had it for a few years.

He had a memory test 5 years ago and scored 29. His recent test put him at 21. I'm trying to understand the progression and where he falls on the scale. I think some of the family are underestimating it. (Chalking it up to old age)

My biggest concern lies with the rest of the family taking a wait and see approach at this point and the fact that my Dad (and even my Mom to a degree) are skeptical of the diagnoses. My dad even said "I feel fine" and "I still know how to get to X and back".

They gave him medicine to attempt to slow the process. But I'm not sure that does much. 

My aunt (his sister) passed away from Alzheimers about 12 years ago. If he's processing information correctly, he should recall what it was like for her. One day she was fine, the next she couldn't find her way home. I think he is either in denial about his diagnosis, or he's oblivious because of the dementia.

I'm going to talk to my older brother some more today. But I get the feeling he is downplaying this right now. Either it's his coping mechanism or he doesn't have a full understanding. Basically, wait 6 months to see what the next Dr visit reveals. Depending on when my Dad started symptoms, I dont know that there is a guarantee he will be safe during those 6 months.

Sorry. Still rambling. More questions than answers.

Prayers for you and your family KCitons. I'm sure you will support your mom any way you can. 

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Best wishes for you and your family.   It is not an easy road ahead.  I am traveling this journey as well.  Feel free to PM if you ever need to talk, compare notes, or need a little support.

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I'm sorry to hear of the diagnosis.  Whether it's accurate or not, NOW is the time to see that someone has Power of Attorney, Medical PoA, access to safe deposit boxes, and so on.  Make sure there is an updated will.  Taking care of those things lets you focus on family knowing you have done what you can.  Good luck.

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1 hour ago, Mrs. Rannous said:

I'm sorry to hear of the diagnosis.  Whether it's accurate or not, NOW is the time to see that someone has Power of Attorney, Medical PoA, access to safe deposit boxes, and so on.  Make sure there is an updated will.  Taking care of those things lets you focus on family knowing you have done what you can.  Good luck.

Absolutely...had to drag my father kicking and screaming through this process.  But it is incredibly important to get your "ducks in a row" if they are not already.

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2 hours ago, Mrs. Rannous said:

I'm sorry to hear of the diagnosis.  Whether it's accurate or not, NOW is the time to see that someone has Power of Attorney, Medical PoA, access to safe deposit boxes, and so on.  Make sure there is an updated will.  Taking care of those things lets you focus on family knowing you have done what you can.  Good luck.

And have him write down passwords to his computer and personal email for password resets to important websites.

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my heart goes out to you and yours and i hope that things go as well as possible be well and stay strong for everyone else in your family

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Sorry to hear this. My grandma had dementia, (Alzheimer's most likely), and it was a very rough road to go down. Best of luck in dealing with this, being together as a family and making decisions and being there for each other will help. 

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Damn.   My thoughts and prayers to you and your entire family.   That's not an easy diagnosis for any family to deal with. 

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7 hours ago, KCitons said:

Vascular Dementia. The more I think about it, and hear things that my Mom and siblings have seen, the more I think he's had it for a few years.

He had a memory test 5 years ago and scored 29. His recent test put him at 21. I'm trying to understand the progression and where he falls on the scale. I think some of the family are underestimating it. (Chalking it up to old age)

My biggest concern lies with the rest of the family taking a wait and see approach at this point and the fact that my Dad (and even my Mom to a degree) are skeptical of the diagnoses. My dad even said "I feel fine" and "I still know how to get to X and back".

They gave him medicine to attempt to slow the process. But I'm not sure that does much. 

My aunt (his sister) passed away from Alzheimers about 12 years ago. If he's processing information correctly, he should recall what it was like for her. One day she was fine, the next she couldn't find her way home. I think he is either in denial about his diagnosis, or he's oblivious because of the dementia.

I'm going to talk to my older brother some more today. But I get the feeling he is downplaying this right now. Either it's his coping mechanism or he doesn't have a full understanding. Basically, wait 6 months to see what the next Dr visit reveals. Depending on when my Dad started symptoms, I dont know that there is a guarantee he will be safe during those 6 months.

Sorry. Still rambling. More questions than answers. 

If he has vascular dementia, IIRC that's the least severe form of it (SOMEBODY PLEASE CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG).  My mother-in-law had Dewy-Body Dementia and within about two years of diagnosis she went from being herself to not recognizing hardly anyone.

Thoughts and prayers to you, GB.

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1 hour ago, Tom Servo said:

If he has vascular dementia, IIRC that's the least severe form of it (SOMEBODY PLEASE CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG).  My mother-in-law had Dewy-Body Dementia and within about two years of diagnosis she went from being herself to not recognizing hardly anyone.

Thoughts and prayers to you, GB.

I can't say which is more severe. The online research that I've been able to do lists vascular dementia as being the 2nd most common behind Alzheimers. I'm also seeing that the life expectancy for Alzheimers is 8-10 years after diagnosis. (some living 20 years). Most vascular dementia patients die within 5 years of diagnosis. 

Which is why I'm concerned with the timeline. He was tested 5 years ago. Did his symptoms start 4 years ago, or last year. Would he have been diagnosed earlier had he been tested earlier. 

Sorry about your Mother in Law. I'm not sure what to root for, time to slow down or speed up. I guess a little of both at different times.

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4 minutes ago, KCitons said:

I can't say which is more severe. The online research that I've been able to do lists vascular dementia as being the 2nd most common behind Alzheimers. I'm also seeing that the life expectancy for Alzheimers is 8-10 years after diagnosis. (some living 20 years). Most vascular dementia patients die within 5 years of diagnosis. 

Which is why I'm concerned with the timeline. He was tested 5 years ago. Did his symptoms start 4 years ago, or last year. Would he have been diagnosed earlier had he been tested earlier. 

Sorry about your Mother in Law. I'm not sure what to root for, time to slow down or speed up. I guess a little of both at different times.

My MIL passed in May 2018 FTR.  My wife had the same dilemma as the bolded. They were close and I thought so much of her that I took her out to breakfast to ask for her blessing in my asking her daughter to become my wife.

We had the same talk about the timeline as well.  Given the timeline of the disease, we're almost wondering if some of her absent minded behavior wasn't the signs of onset.

I have nothing but love and support for you, GB.  :thumbup:

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