Am I (we) the problem (AITA) - advice from the collective wisdom of the FFA (1 Viewer)

[nysfl2]

Oh, and stand by your wife. If she can't bring herself to be in the same room with the ex, make alternate plans with the family the night before or whatever. But don't give your brother or parents a hard time and pressure them to try to exclude her.

 

[DA RAIDERS]

The refusal of your wife to just move on is what your side can change. Y’all can’t change the other lady. The ball is in your court.

 

[Slumpbusters]

Oh, and stand by your wife. If she can't bring herself to be in the same room with the ex, make alternate plans with the family the night before or whatever. But don't give your brother or parents a hard time and pressure them to try to exclude her.

This is exactly how we've handled it so far. We have also not only not given them a hard time, we have encouraged them to spend time together as it seems to keep the ex calm.

 

[General Malaise]

As an aside, I’m curious what you mean when you say your brother’s ex “gaslights” your wife. Do you have specific examples. “Gaslighting” is obviously a prevalent concept in modern society but a word that would never be found in my regular vocabulary (same with “triggering”). I’m curious to hear specifics.

I take it as it just means that the SIL says annoying and pompous stuff as the OP has already stated. People use "gaslight" all the time now and it just seems to mean now that it's anything that anybody else says that they don't like and by calling it "gaslighting" is justifies their irrational emotional response to it.

I don't think it's being used here correctly, either. From Wiki: Gaslighting is typically effective only when there is an unequal power dynamic or when the gaslighted has shown respect to the gaslighter.


From what I've read about OP's spouse, I'd love to hear her reaction to this definition, especially with regards to an 'unequal power dynamic'.

 

[General Malaise]

"let's not get together until you guys feel a little safer because this is triggering for me"

are you kidding me? Cause that would piss me off too.

As an aside, I’m curious what you mean when you say your brother’s ex “gaslights” your wife. Do you have specific examples. “Gaslighting” is obviously a prevalent concept in modern society but a word that would never be found in my regular vocabulary (same with “triggering”). I’m curious to hear specifics.

I take it as it just means that the SIL says annoying and pompous stuff as the OP has already stated. People use "gaslight" all the time now and it just seems to mean now that it's anything that anybody else says that they don't like and by calling it "gaslighting" is justifies their irrational emotional response to it.

These are two new terms that entered my vernacular the last couple years too, as it has I think for most of American society.

"Gaslighting" in Gen X means "picking on" and is more targeted than being generally obnoxious. Finding something snide to say about something someone has done specifically or their life circumstance specifically. "Jabs" may also be an adjective. Less so "bragging". Phrases like "whats wrong with you", etc.

Okay, I'm convinced this word doesn't mean what you and your wife think it means.

 

[Slumpbusters]

As an aside, I’m curious what you mean when you say your brother’s ex “gaslights” your wife. Do you have specific examples. “Gaslighting” is obviously a prevalent concept in modern society but a word that would never be found in my regular vocabulary (same with “triggering”). I’m curious to hear specifics.

I take it as it just means that the SIL says annoying and pompous stuff as the OP has already stated. People use "gaslight" all the time now and it just seems to mean now that it's anything that anybody else says that they don't like and by calling it "gaslighting" is justifies their irrational emotional response to it.

I don't think it's being used here correctly, either. From Wiki: Gaslighting is typically effective only when there is an unequal power dynamic or when the gaslighted has shown respect to the gaslighter.


From what I've read about OP's spouse, I'd love to hear her reaction to this definition, especially with regards to an 'unequal power dynamic'.

when the gaslighted has shown respect to the gaslighter.

This is it. When they moved here my wife bent over backwards to welcome them in. Housewarming, cooking, meals, work, etc. to help them here. It may also be a "perceived" unequal power dynamic, where the gaslighter feels superior to the person and the person just keeps taking the abuse, which over time makes the person feel more and more superior. My wife at her core is a people pleaser until you disrespect her (and it sinks in that she is being disrespected) at which point she becomes a samurai willing to defend her honor to her death.

 

[Rattle and Hum]

Sounds like OP will miss Thanksgiving day with his family which might actually help the wife move on for Christmas. I'm sure she'll feel bad about missing out on Thanksgiving day. Perhaps she'll feel bad enough to change her decision for Christmas gathering. If not, hopefully this will be the last year you both will be exposed to the bully ex on holidays. Also, make sure your wife knows the bully has "won" if you two do not show up for Thanksgiving. I personally wouldn't care but some people really do. Good luck, OP.

 

[General Malaise]

As an aside, I’m curious what you mean when you say your brother’s ex “gaslights” your wife. Do you have specific examples. “Gaslighting” is obviously a prevalent concept in modern society but a word that would never be found in my regular vocabulary (same with “triggering”). I’m curious to hear specifics.

I take it as it just means that the SIL says annoying and pompous stuff as the OP has already stated. People use "gaslight" all the time now and it just seems to mean now that it's anything that anybody else says that they don't like and by calling it "gaslighting" is justifies their irrational emotional response to it.

I don't think it's being used here correctly, either. From Wiki: Gaslighting is typically effective only when there is an unequal power dynamic or when the gaslighted has shown respect to the gaslighter.


From what I've read about OP's spouse, I'd love to hear her reaction to this definition, especially with regards to an 'unequal power dynamic'.

when the gaslighted has shown respect to the gaslighter.

This is it. When they moved here my wife bent over backwards to welcome them in. Housewarming, cooking, meals, work, etc. to help them here. It may also be a "perceived" unequal power dynamic, where the gaslighter feels superior to the person and the person just keeps taking the abuse, which over time makes the person feel more and more superior. My wife at her core is a people pleaser until you disrespect her (and it sinks in that she is being disrespected) at which point she becomes a samurai willing to defend her honor to her death.

Do me a favor, read the first definition to her and let me know how she reacts.

I understand what you're saying - that your wife was very nice and bent over backwards. But it was also your wife's actions of leaving the FB group that was the catalyst to start this miasma. Right?

 

[Zow]

As an aside, I’m curious what you mean when you say your brother’s ex “gaslights” your wife. Do you have specific examples. “Gaslighting” is obviously a prevalent concept in modern society but a word that would never be found in my regular vocabulary (same with “triggering”). I’m curious to hear specifics.

I take it as it just means that the SIL says annoying and pompous stuff as the OP has already stated. People use "gaslight" all the time now and it just seems to mean now that it's anything that anybody else says that they don't like and by calling it "gaslighting" is justifies their irrational emotional response to it.

I don't think it's being used here correctly, either. From Wiki: Gaslighting is typically effective only when there is an unequal power dynamic or when the gaslighted has shown respect to the gaslighter.


From what I've read about OP's spouse, I'd love to hear her reaction to this definition, especially with regards to an 'unequal power dynamic'.

Not sure if you were correcting my definition of gaslighting, but in the event you were the definition I was giving is the definition that most people seem to use. Call it the errant colloquial use. In other words, I wasn't giving the actual, correct definition (which is probably accurately stated by your cite to Wiki) because most people don't use it correctly but it's been used so incorrectly that it's developed a second meaning (see e.g. literally").

 

[Zow]

Oh, and stand by your wife. If she can't bring herself to be in the same room with the ex, make alternate plans with the family the night before or whatever. But don't give your brother or parents a hard time and pressure them to try to exclude her.

This is very good, alternative advice, too, assuming wife genuinely can't get over it and we're looking at a net negative here. But, be adamant to your family that it's nothing they did and it's you and your wife's problem and you recognize that.

 

[Zow]

"I refuse to apologize" and "I refuse to be around her until she apologizes" are two sides of the same coin. And when it comes to that intractable coin, it's a no brainer - you should side with your wife. Sucks for your family, and especially your parents who I'm sure would love to spend time with all the grandkiddos on those special days, but it is what it is. Hopefully you only have to deal with it another year or two.

I see this and agree to an extent. I give a little more grace to my wife who realizes she Fed up and is more than willing to accept her share of the blame, she just doesn't want to be the martyr. For that I have a hard time blaming her.

Its not like we don't plan to see my grandparents or my brother and daughter. We plan to have a pseudo Thanksgiving with them the weekend prior to Thanksgiving (the ex wife will be out of town).

We plan to celebrate Christmas with all of them as a group without the ex wife on Christmas Eve as opposed to Christmas day.

Right now I plan to go to niece's birthday party alone but wife may come as well (she is yet undecided and very emotionally conflicted on it).

We feel like this is a pretty good compromise and leaves room for everyone to participate within everyone's boundaries (formal and informal) while keeping the peace. The ex just doesn't like to ever be excluded.

If I were another member of your family I'd think you and your wife are being laughably ridiculous and petty and I'd think less of you, but it sounds like this is something your wife can't get over and I absolutely agree that you side with you wife, so your plans are probably the best alternative at this point since clearly cooler heads won't be prevailing.

 

[General Malaise]

As an aside, I’m curious what you mean when you say your brother’s ex “gaslights” your wife. Do you have specific examples. “Gaslighting” is obviously a prevalent concept in modern society but a word that would never be found in my regular vocabulary (same with “triggering”). I’m curious to hear specifics.

I take it as it just means that the SIL says annoying and pompous stuff as the OP has already stated. People use "gaslight" all the time now and it just seems to mean now that it's anything that anybody else says that they don't like and by calling it "gaslighting" is justifies their irrational emotional response to it.

I don't think it's being used here correctly, either. From Wiki: Gaslighting is typically effective only when there is an unequal power dynamic or when the gaslighted has shown respect to the gaslighter.


From what I've read about OP's spouse, I'd love to hear her reaction to this definition, especially with regards to an 'unequal power dynamic'.

Not sure if you were correcting my definition of gaslighting, but in the event you were the definition I was giving is the definition that most people seem to use. Call it the errant colloquial use. In other words, I wasn't giving the actual, correct definition (which is probably accurately stated by your cite to Wiki) because most people don't use it correctly but it's been used so incorrectly that it's developed a second meaning (see e.g. literally").

Definitely wasn't correcting you. You and I are on the same page vis a vis the true meaning of "gaslighting" and how it's been hijacked for misuse today. It's being misused in this thread, IMO.

 

[General Malaise]

"I refuse to apologize" and "I refuse to be around her until she apologizes" are two sides of the same coin. And when it comes to that intractable coin, it's a no brainer - you should side with your wife. Sucks for your family, and especially your parents who I'm sure would love to spend time with all the grandkiddos on those special days, but it is what it is. Hopefully you only have to deal with it another year or two.

I see this and agree to an extent. I give a little more grace to my wife who realizes she Fed up and is more than willing to accept her share of the blame, she just doesn't want to be the martyr. For that I have a hard time blaming her.

Its not like we don't plan to see my grandparents or my brother and daughter. We plan to have a pseudo Thanksgiving with them the weekend prior to Thanksgiving (the ex wife will be out of town).

We plan to celebrate Christmas with all of them as a group without the ex wife on Christmas Eve as opposed to Christmas day.

Right now I plan to go to niece's birthday party alone but wife may come as well (she is yet undecided and very emotionally conflicted on it).

We feel like this is a pretty good compromise and leaves room for everyone to participate within everyone's boundaries (formal and informal) while keeping the peace. The ex just doesn't like to ever be excluded.

If I were another member of your family I'd think you and your wife are being laughably ridiculous and petty and I'd think less of you, but it sounds like this is something your wife can't get over and I absolutely agree that you side with you wife, so your plans are probably the best alternative at this point since clearly cooler heads won't be prevailing.

man, stop gaslighting him.

 

[Slumpbusters]

"I refuse to apologize" and "I refuse to be around her until she apologizes" are two sides of the same coin. And when it comes to that intractable coin, it's a no brainer - you should side with your wife. Sucks for your family, and especially your parents who I'm sure would love to spend time with all the grandkiddos on those special days, but it is what it is. Hopefully you only have to deal with it another year or two.

I see this and agree to an extent. I give a little more grace to my wife who realizes she Fed up and is more than willing to accept her share of the blame, she just doesn't want to be the martyr. For that I have a hard time blaming her.

Its not like we don't plan to see my grandparents or my brother and daughter. We plan to have a pseudo Thanksgiving with them the weekend prior to Thanksgiving (the ex wife will be out of town).

We plan to celebrate Christmas with all of them as a group without the ex wife on Christmas Eve as opposed to Christmas day.

Right now I plan to go to niece's birthday party alone but wife may come as well (she is yet undecided and very emotionally conflicted on it).

We feel like this is a pretty good compromise and leaves room for everyone to participate within everyone's boundaries (formal and informal) while keeping the peace. The ex just doesn't like to ever be excluded.

If I were another member of your family I'd think you and your wife are being laughably ridiculous and petty and I'd think less of you, but it sounds like this is something your wife can't get over and I absolutely agree that you side with you wife, so your plans are probably the best alternative at this point since clearly cooler heads won't be prevailing.

I see this and don't disagree with it. This is a very Gen X/Boomer mentality to conflict resolution - rise above it, suck it up and control what you can control. Its not bad advice and likely what I would give and how I would perceive it.

Modern psychology encourages you to forgive but set boundaries and live with those boundaries, establish healthy relationships and step away from those that aren't.

Its a real dichotomy.

 

[General Malaise]

"I refuse to apologize" and "I refuse to be around her until she apologizes" are two sides of the same coin. And when it comes to that intractable coin, it's a no brainer - you should side with your wife. Sucks for your family, and especially your parents who I'm sure would love to spend time with all the grandkiddos on those special days, but it is what it is. Hopefully you only have to deal with it another year or two.

I see this and agree to an extent. I give a little more grace to my wife who realizes she Fed up and is more than willing to accept her share of the blame, she just doesn't want to be the martyr. For that I have a hard time blaming her.

Its not like we don't plan to see my grandparents or my brother and daughter. We plan to have a pseudo Thanksgiving with them the weekend prior to Thanksgiving (the ex wife will be out of town).

We plan to celebrate Christmas with all of them as a group without the ex wife on Christmas Eve as opposed to Christmas day.

Right now I plan to go to niece's birthday party alone but wife may come as well (she is yet undecided and very emotionally conflicted on it).

We feel like this is a pretty good compromise and leaves room for everyone to participate within everyone's boundaries (formal and informal) while keeping the peace. The ex just doesn't like to ever be excluded.

If I were another member of your family I'd think you and your wife are being laughably ridiculous and petty and I'd think less of you, but it sounds like this is something your wife can't get over and I absolutely agree that you side with you wife, so your plans are probably the best alternative at this point since clearly cooler heads won't be prevailing.

I see this and don't disagree with it. This is a very Gen X/Boomer mentality to conflict resolution - rise above it, suck it up and control what you can control. Its not bad advice and likely what I would give and how I would perceive it.

Modern psychology encourages you to forgive but set boundaries and live with those boundaries, establish healthy relationships and step away from those that aren't.

Its a real dichotomy.

But, circling back, in this case the boundaries you and your wife has set makes you both the assholes.

ETA: FWIW, because it's apparently worth something to you, I'm a millennial.

To be fair, he was triggered into this.

 

[Zow]

"I refuse to apologize" and "I refuse to be around her until she apologizes" are two sides of the same coin. And when it comes to that intractable coin, it's a no brainer - you should side with your wife. Sucks for your family, and especially your parents who I'm sure would love to spend time with all the grandkiddos on those special days, but it is what it is. Hopefully you only have to deal with it another year or two.

I see this and agree to an extent. I give a little more grace to my wife who realizes she Fed up and is more than willing to accept her share of the blame, she just doesn't want to be the martyr. For that I have a hard time blaming her.

Its not like we don't plan to see my grandparents or my brother and daughter. We plan to have a pseudo Thanksgiving with them the weekend prior to Thanksgiving (the ex wife will be out of town).

We plan to celebrate Christmas with all of them as a group without the ex wife on Christmas Eve as opposed to Christmas day.

Right now I plan to go to niece's birthday party alone but wife may come as well (she is yet undecided and very emotionally conflicted on it).

We feel like this is a pretty good compromise and leaves room for everyone to participate within everyone's boundaries (formal and informal) while keeping the peace. The ex just doesn't like to ever be excluded.

If I were another member of your family I'd think you and your wife are being laughably ridiculous and petty and I'd think less of you, but it sounds like this is something your wife can't get over and I absolutely agree that you side with you wife, so your plans are probably the best alternative at this point since clearly cooler heads won't be prevailing.

I see this and don't disagree with it. This is a very Gen X/Boomer mentality to conflict resolution - rise above it, suck it up and control what you can control. Its not bad advice and likely what I would give and how I would perceive it.

Modern psychology encourages you to forgive but set boundaries and live with those boundaries, establish healthy relationships and step away from those that aren't.

Its a real dichotomy.

But, circling back, in this case the boundaries you and your wife has set makes you both the assholes.

ETA: FWIW, because it's apparently worth something to you, I'm a millennial.

To be fair, he was triggered into this.

Oh, I totally get it. It's the same logic my six year old daughter used on me this morning when she woke me up out of a dead sleep with her screaming loudly because her brother bothered her by having the audacity to sit too closely next to her on the couch. Totally not her fault because she was "triggered."

 

[SWC]

you brohans dont coach enough kids anymore to be hip to the lingo gaslighting is when you basically manipulate someone to make them question what they said or did like you try to convince someone they said something they didnt or you manipulate them to make them believe they felt some way that they didnt its that simple take that to the bank brochachos

 

[SWC]

of you are stinky steve and light your farts on fire one or the other take that to the bank brohans

 

[Zow]

you brohans dont coach enough kids anymore to be hip to the lingo gaslighting is when you basically manipulate someone to make them question what they said or did like you try to convince someone they said something they didnt or you manipulate them to make them believe they felt some way that they didnt its that simple take that to the bank brochachos

But you've never told me to take anything to the bank before.

 

[SWC]

you brohans dont coach enough kids anymore to be hip to the lingo gaslighting is when you basically manipulate someone to make them question what they said or did like you try to convince someone they said something they didnt or you manipulate them to make them believe they felt some way that they didnt its that simple take that to the bank brochachos

But you've never told me to take anything to the bank before.

and you have admitted that kevin garnett is a gigantic cheap shot artist hold me back bro in the same stratosfere as chris paul so we are all good take that to the bank brochacho

 

[General Malaise]

you brohans dont coach enough kids anymore to be hip to the lingo gaslighting is when you basically manipulate someone to make them question what they said or did like you try to convince someone they said something they didnt or you manipulate them to make them believe they felt some way that they didnt its that simple take that to the bank brochachos

But you've never told me to take anything to the bank before.

Oh sure he has....a number of times, I've seen it happen. You're mistaken.

 

[Zow]

you brohans dont coach enough kids anymore to be hip to the lingo gaslighting is when you basically manipulate someone to make them question what they said or did like you try to convince someone they said something they didnt or you manipulate them to make them believe they felt some way that they didnt its that simple take that to the bank brochachos

But you've never told me to take anything to the bank before.

and you have admitted that kevin garnett is a gigantic cheap shot artist hold me back bro in the same stratosfere as chris paul so we are all good take that to the bank brochacho

Ohhhhh them's trigerrin' words!

 

[Zow]

you brohans dont coach enough kids anymore to be hip to the lingo gaslighting is when you basically manipulate someone to make them question what they said or did like you try to convince someone they said something they didnt or you manipulate them to make them believe they felt some way that they didnt its that simple take that to the bank brochachos

But you've never told me to take anything to the bank before.

Oh sure he has....a number of times, I've seen it happen. You're mistaken.

No, you haven't, because aren't you legally blind?

 

[Zow]

(If you guys can't tell I'm so disinterested in doing actual work today)

 

[Drunken knight]

After reading the above sounds like your wife kinda started the whole thing.

No doubt that the leaving of messenger was the pivotal point that started all this. There was alot of buildup to it though.

Ex Wife would gaslight current wife throughout any get together. Subtle, but there, to an extent we were often left with "did she really say that"
Ex wife would show up 30-45 min late to gatherings at her own house because she was still getting ready. When the whole gathering is slated for 2 hours thats a bit off. We blew that off too.
My wife put about 6 weeks of effort into making a 1st year baby book for brother and his wife. Not so much as a thank you or any follow up comment on the book.
Wife would put together gifts (birthday, etc) but her birthday was delayed or forgotten. Ex wife never bought my wife one single gift.

All of these are in and of themselves not that big of a deal but it starts to paint a picture when you put it all together. That led to my wife saying ok something has to change or this isn't going to end well, and the call for change wasn't well communicated or received and definitely didn't end well.

Its worth noting that the rest of my family was annoyed at wife leaving messenger chat as well, but that was all reconciled and we get together with everyone except the ex wife now no problem.

Have you considered divorce?

Nada, my wife and I have zero issues outside of this particular one, which is externally driven and likely temporary.

That was just a joke, but your wife is the root cause of the problem here

i don't think she is.

There is a history of misbehavior from the ex with no accountability. ex has wronged hero's wife imo. there is an agree for bro and ex to spend holidays together. ex is not entitled to time with in-laws. for this, she should make concessions.

 

[bigbottom]

(If you guys can't tell I'm so disinterested in doing actual work today)

Now we’re going to get into a debate of disinterested vs uninterested.

P.S. Yes, I know that there are arguments both ways on this.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

"Gaslighting" in Gen X means "picking on" and is more targeted than being generally obnoxious. Finding something snide to say about something someone has done specifically or their life circumstance specifically. "Jabs" may also be an adjective. Less so "bragging". Phrases like "whats wrong with you", etc.

This word does not mean what you think it means.

I really think @Chaz McNulty should have pointed that out.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

"I refuse to apologize" and "I refuse to be around her until she apologizes" are two sides of the same coin. And when it comes to that intractable coin, it's a no brainer - you should side with your wife. Sucks for your family, and especially your parents who I'm sure would love to spend time with all the grandkiddos on those special days, but it is what it is. Hopefully you only have to deal with it another year or two.

I see this and agree to an extent. I give a little more grace to my wife who realizes she Fed up and is more than willing to accept her share of the blame, she just doesn't want to be the martyr. For that I have a hard time blaming her.

Its not like we don't plan to see my grandparents or my brother and daughter. We plan to have a pseudo Thanksgiving with them the weekend prior to Thanksgiving (the ex wife will be out of town).

We plan to celebrate Christmas with all of them as a group without the ex wife on Christmas Eve as opposed to Christmas day.

Right now I plan to go to niece's birthday party alone but wife may come as well (she is yet undecided and very emotionally conflicted on it).

We feel like this is a pretty good compromise and leaves room for everyone to participate within everyone's boundaries (formal and informal) while keeping the peace. The ex just doesn't like to ever be excluded.

If I were another member of your family I'd think you and your wife are being laughably ridiculous and petty and I'd think less of you, but it sounds like this is something your wife can't get over and I absolutely agree that you side with you wife, so your plans are probably the best alternative at this point since clearly cooler heads won't be prevailing.

I see this and don't disagree with it. This is a very Gen X/Boomer mentality to conflict resolution - rise above it, suck it up and control what you can control. Its not bad advice and likely what I would give and how I would perceive it.

Modern psychology encourages you to forgive but set boundaries and live with those boundaries, establish healthy relationships and step away from those that aren't.

Its a real dichotomy.

Not Gen X at all. Just common sense.

I give a little more grace to my wife who realizes she Fed up and is more than willing to accept her share of the blame, she just doesn't want to be the martyr. For that I have a hard time blaming her.

You've already said that the family knows the ex is a tool. Showing maturity about the whole thing is "not being a martyr," and I doubt that the rest of your family will view it as such. You could reframe it as clearly demonstrating who the idiot is by not doing the same thing- as in "wow- there she is doing the same grade school thing."

I'm pretty sure Big Bottom can say it way better than I can, but I've been in this spot. Everyone knew who the problem child was, but I apologized for something that was in no way my fault. No one thought I was a martyr, and several told me that they appreciated what I did. I had control where the other person had none. Maybe your wife could see it that way if it were pointed out to her.

Good luck.

 

[Snoopy]

I don't use that term as there is no agreed to definition.

 

[GroveDiesel]

"I refuse to apologize" and "I refuse to be around her until she apologizes" are two sides of the same coin. And when it comes to that intractable coin, it's a no brainer - you should side with your wife. Sucks for your family, and especially your parents who I'm sure would love to spend time with all the grandkiddos on those special days, but it is what it is. Hopefully you only have to deal with it another year or two.

I see this and agree to an extent. I give a little more grace to my wife who realizes she Fed up and is more than willing to accept her share of the blame, she just doesn't want to be the martyr. For that I have a hard time blaming her.

Its not like we don't plan to see my grandparents or my brother and daughter. We plan to have a pseudo Thanksgiving with them the weekend prior to Thanksgiving (the ex wife will be out of town).

We plan to celebrate Christmas with all of them as a group without the ex wife on Christmas Eve as opposed to Christmas day.

Right now I plan to go to niece's birthday party alone but wife may come as well (she is yet undecided and very emotionally conflicted on it).

We feel like this is a pretty good compromise and leaves room for everyone to participate within everyone's boundaries (formal and informal) while keeping the peace. The ex just doesn't like to ever be excluded.

If I were another member of your family I'd think you and your wife are being laughably ridiculous and petty and I'd think less of you, but it sounds like this is something your wife can't get over and I absolutely agree that you side with you wife, so your plans are probably the best alternative at this point since clearly cooler heads won't be prevailing.

I see this and don't disagree with it. This is a very Gen X/Boomer mentality to conflict resolution - rise above it, suck it up and control what you can control. Its not bad advice and likely what I would give and how I would perceive it.

Modern psychology encourages you to forgive but set boundaries and live with those boundaries, establish healthy relationships and step away from those that aren't.

Its a real dichotomy.

I think that you need to side with your wife and support her feelings on this. I also think you need to be realistic and realize that your wife still owns a good bit of the fault in this situation. It sounds like your wife had a tough childhood and that it has left scars that affect how she handles conflict and relationships today. You seem to acknowledge that that’s the case so I’ll assume it’s true.

You give your wife a lot of grace and deference to how she handles things even though you seem to acknowledge that it’s not the norm. And you absolutely should do that as her husband and it’s great for you as a couple. But you need to realize that how you and your wife respond to your ex-SIL in this situation does have consequences for other people as well that will likely be negative and hurtful. So far, you have not owned that at all. You can be doing the right thing for your wife and she can be doing the right thing for herself, but that doesn’t mean that you may not still be a-holes in the situation.

FWIW, it sounds like your wife is working on establishing what she feels are her healthy boundaries, but it definitely does not feel like she has actually forgiven at all.