Punxsutawney Phil
Footballguy
How did he pick the name Peter?
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My son Peter (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter fatguyinalittlecoat
- Start date
gianmarco
Footballguy
IvanKaramazov
Footballguy
This is a really insightful comment. I think we're all fortunate that we live in a society that -- by and large -- gives people agency over their own lives. That's not something to take for granted.
fatguyinalittlecoat
Footballguy
He spent a few weeks looking at name sites on the internet and discussing options with me and a couple of his friends. He had a few specific criteria that he wanted for the name: 1) unambiguously male; 2) not one of the very common names that trans guys seem to use; 3) nothing that’s similar to his former name Talia. After that it was just looking for a name that he felt comfortable with and he like Peter.
Joe Summer
Footballguy
Does Peter have any specific physical expectations in terms of becoming the person that he wants to be?
the moops
Footballguy
fatguyinalittlecoat
Footballguy
fatguyinalittlecoat
Footballguy
I'm not sure how to answer that exactly. I think it's just important to him to pass as male. He doesn't want to be coming out to people all the time and talking about trans stuff or whatever, he just wants to live his life. He has a lot of other interests, I don't really expect him to be any kind of trans activist or anything.
ETA: I feel like this didn't really answer your question, maybe I'll ask Peter and see what he says. I don't think he's been keeping up with reading this thread you people are boring.
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Workhorse
Footballguy
For sure. My trans daughter had some pretty wild hormonal mood swings since the endocrinologist upped her estrogen. But she’s getting closer to passing every month. The hardest part will be her voice since her voice changed before she began her transition. She will probably end up taking voice lessons at some point.
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
A very good idea. Also, I know that lessons in movement are available. Hip structure makes men and women move very differently. (You may have noticed this once or twice.)
fatguyinalittlecoat
Footballguy
Quick updates:
1) Peter has had two weekly testosterone shots so far, I can't really see any physical difference yet but it's early. He is really excited about it though.
2) We just filed his name change petition in court. It will take some time to get all that worked out and all his identifying documents changed. He's taking his driver's test in like a month so he's probably going to need to get a drivers license with his old name and gender, then switch it later, which is a bit of a pain, we probably should have worked out the timing better.
3) He's now come out to all of the three teachers at school that he felt he wanted to tell personally. So I think today we're going to send an email to his guidance counselor asking that his name be changed on all the teacher class lists and stuff. The whole first semester is going to be online so probably a little different from how it normally would go.
1) Peter has had two weekly testosterone shots so far, I can't really see any physical difference yet but it's early. He is really excited about it though.
2) We just filed his name change petition in court. It will take some time to get all that worked out and all his identifying documents changed. He's taking his driver's test in like a month so he's probably going to need to get a drivers license with his old name and gender, then switch it later, which is a bit of a pain, we probably should have worked out the timing better.
3) He's now come out to all of the three teachers at school that he felt he wanted to tell personally. So I think today we're going to send an email to his guidance counselor asking that his name be changed on all the teacher class lists and stuff. The whole first semester is going to be online so probably a little different from how it normally would go.
mr. furley
Footballguy
fatguyinalittlecoat
Footballguy
Updates:
1) Medical stuff - Peter's about 6 or 7 weeks into the testosterone so far. If there have been changes they've been pretty minor so far. But his body is handling it well and the doctor just upped his dose so I have a feeling some more noticeable changes are coming soon.
2) Social stuff - School started this week (all online) and sounds like everything's going well. I don't have too much info because Peter's been at his mother's place this week, but from what I know all his teachers are using the name Peter and there haven't been any issues with other kids. One coming out story was sorta funny I thought. Peter is a senior this year and he was elected President of this very active afterschool activity he's involved with. A few of the kids in the activity knew about his transition, but most of the team had no idea. And I was wondering how he was going to handle coming out to like 50 kids and a bunch of mentors and parents. Well, turns out that the trick is to write out a lengthy email about how things were going to work this year, etc., going into all sorts of boring details. And then in the middle sneak in one line like "oh yeah, you might have noticed that this is being sent under the name 'Peter,' that's my name now and I use he/him pronouns." And then never speak of it again.
3) Name change - we finally got organized about this so it's in process with the court right now. From what I can tell, the name change should be official in about a month or so. Then we have to deal with getting stuff like birth certificates and passports changed.
Overall, Peter seems to be happy with everything and so far there have not been any unanticipated challenges. I feel pretty lucky that it's all gone fairly smoothly.
1) Medical stuff - Peter's about 6 or 7 weeks into the testosterone so far. If there have been changes they've been pretty minor so far. But his body is handling it well and the doctor just upped his dose so I have a feeling some more noticeable changes are coming soon.
2) Social stuff - School started this week (all online) and sounds like everything's going well. I don't have too much info because Peter's been at his mother's place this week, but from what I know all his teachers are using the name Peter and there haven't been any issues with other kids. One coming out story was sorta funny I thought. Peter is a senior this year and he was elected President of this very active afterschool activity he's involved with. A few of the kids in the activity knew about his transition, but most of the team had no idea. And I was wondering how he was going to handle coming out to like 50 kids and a bunch of mentors and parents. Well, turns out that the trick is to write out a lengthy email about how things were going to work this year, etc., going into all sorts of boring details. And then in the middle sneak in one line like "oh yeah, you might have noticed that this is being sent under the name 'Peter,' that's my name now and I use he/him pronouns." And then never speak of it again.
3) Name change - we finally got organized about this so it's in process with the court right now. From what I can tell, the name change should be official in about a month or so. Then we have to deal with getting stuff like birth certificates and passports changed.
Overall, Peter seems to be happy with everything and so far there have not been any unanticipated challenges. I feel pretty lucky that it's all gone fairly smoothly.
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
Excellent. Also, he's having a more normal 2020 than the rest of us.fatguyinalittlecoat said:
The_Man
Footballguy
I thought this was a good article in today's NY Times
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/08/well/family/transgender-child-parenting.html?fbclid=IwAR2cU9Q9x-GuKdVUtEXq8KEVcSW5RiD3lS03pljqzN_19hFnkMuClKwKD3Q
The perspective of a pediatrician and what she learned about parenting her transgender kid
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/08/well/family/transgender-child-parenting.html?fbclid=IwAR2cU9Q9x-GuKdVUtEXq8KEVcSW5RiD3lS03pljqzN_19hFnkMuClKwKD3Q
The perspective of a pediatrician and what she learned about parenting her transgender kid
modogg
Footballguy
man, congrats and thank you for being open about accepting this. I can't tell you how many kids i have worked with in similar situations who got kicked out of their homes because their family could not accept this.
When i worked in a bunch of high schools about 10+ years ago who were going through a similar situation as your child, and all i can remember is the kids just wanting a bathroom to use. I remember very specifically a young male who transitioned to being a women telling my one clinician and I "i don't want to make a big deal out of any of this at all, i just want to be able to go to the bathroom and not have to worry about everybody else". Was interesting because it was a common theme, and i remember fighting tooth and nail with some principals to let the kids use some other bathroom for like 5-10 minutes out of the day.
I think things are better now, at least in the schools, and hopefully if things ever return to normal your son would be welcomed as such.
When i worked in a bunch of high schools about 10+ years ago who were going through a similar situation as your child, and all i can remember is the kids just wanting a bathroom to use. I remember very specifically a young male who transitioned to being a women telling my one clinician and I "i don't want to make a big deal out of any of this at all, i just want to be able to go to the bathroom and not have to worry about everybody else". Was interesting because it was a common theme, and i remember fighting tooth and nail with some principals to let the kids use some other bathroom for like 5-10 minutes out of the day.
I think things are better now, at least in the schools, and hopefully if things ever return to normal your son would be welcomed as such.
El Floppo
Footballguy
I don't remember if I've posted or not, but I really wanted to add my support and sense of collective pride/awe in how you and Peter are doing.
Question, if you two don't mind answering- is Peter in ongoing psychological/emotional counseling? As tough as going through the teen years was, I can't imagine going through something as big as this on top of it without some extra opportunity for support.
a neighborhood dad friend transitioned when our kids were 2ish. Amazing parent and person. I was honored when he shared that with me the first time in our local playground, and always struck me as so incredibly brave to get to that decision. but it was a terrible struggle for her as an adult not just to go through the process, bit to do it with very little means (she was a street musician). Ended up going to Vietnam or Thailand for the operation eventually because of cost and still ended up coming home to basically living in a homeless shelter. Struggle for her son at first as well getting teased in school until the school addressed it. Haven't seen her or the family in a few years...I need to reach out as I think of her with some regularity, and tbh am worried about her well being. Side note, we had a fire in the building back then and we were forced to move our entire apartment into storage in 24 hours during a brutal July heatwave. Maya was the only person to show up and help. Just an amazing person.
Hastur
Footballguy
I have a very similar situation at home as well. My daughter was born 13 years ago, and last year they came forward telling us they want to be identified as a male now. They have chosen the name Cameron, and we are supportive of this.
This weekend, my wife is taking my MIL to a family wedding 4 states away, and Cameron wants to go. The family they are visiting are VERY religious. My son Cameron(who has also confided in me he is atheist) is pretty open about himself, and I fear a family drama of epic proportions is on its way. I am torn between telling Cameron to tone it down while they are there in order to maintain peace, and not saying anything to Cameron and let the chips fall where they may.
I think I will just tell him the situation, and to use common sense if the subject comes up.
This weekend, my wife is taking my MIL to a family wedding 4 states away, and Cameron wants to go. The family they are visiting are VERY religious. My son Cameron(who has also confided in me he is atheist) is pretty open about himself, and I fear a family drama of epic proportions is on its way. I am torn between telling Cameron to tone it down while they are there in order to maintain peace, and not saying anything to Cameron and let the chips fall where they may.
I think I will just tell him the situation, and to use common sense if the subject comes up.
The_Man
Footballguy
I haven't (and won't) share a lot of details here but FatGuy and some others can attest I have a lot of experience in this area. Here is my advice for this specific situation. Do NOT tell Cameron to tone it down. Your support means everything to him and he needs to know that you accept his male gender identity as intrinsic to who he is, 100% of the time, everywhere he goes. You don't accept him as a male except when it's inconvenient or might bother others. You accept him as a man.
If you don't listen to any more of my advice, listen to this.
Second, I would not let the chips fall where they may. What if things go really badly, and now you've exposed your 14-year-old kid to a difficult, potentially upsetting situation. Also, think about the religious family. This is probably going to be hard for them to grapple with, even in the best of circumstances, which would be that you (or your wife) call certain key family members, explain Cameron's situation, make it clear that you support him unequivocally, and that if they have any issues with that, they need to discuss them with you, not your teenager. For him to just show up as a guy without giving them any advance notice, particularly at a high stakes family gathering like a wedding, probably isn't going to go well. Even the best-intentioned family members would naturally wonder what's up. And less well-intentioned people might make a thing out of it. If this is a difficult conversation for you (or your wife) to have, which it often is, imagine how difficult it would be for a 14-year-old to have to explain it to an unsympathetic adult.
Just my two cents. Feel free to Message me if it's at all helpful to talk more about this or any other issue. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job!
fatguyinalittlecoat
Footballguy
Yeah, I second everything @The_Man says here. Back when Peter was out to me and his mom and a bunch of other people, but not to his maternal grandparents, my ex-wife tried to get Peter to go over to her parents house and to use his old name and gender. He said no. Either he was going as Peter or he wasn't going at all. I was proud of him.
fatguyinalittlecoat
Footballguy
At this moment he isn't in any sort of regular counseling but I suspect it will restart relatively soon. He had a therapist who he worked out a lot of these issues with before coming out to me and his mom, then he saw a special gender therapist for like three sessions. Right now he's not seeing either of those two people and he doesn't seem particularly interested in seeing them again. And he has a psychiatrist but that's really for his ADHD. So it's a process. But honestly I think his mental health today is much better than it was when he was in the closet.
Workhorse
Footballguy
For my trans daughter, DBT therapy has been incredibly beneficial. I highly recommend it for all teenagers who struggle with various issues.
AAABatteries
Footballguy
I thought Hastur was talking about toning down the Atheist stuff. I have no issues with that but agree with that others on the coming out parts.
Nigel
Footballguy
I didn’t find The Man’s post judgemental whatsoever. I think it’s great advice to give folks, religious or not, a heads-up so they can process it ahead of time. For everyone’s sake.
The Z Machine
Footballguy
Thanks for the update @fatguyinalittlecoat.
But I gotta say, every time I see this thread I think of the Alkaline Trio song. Has your son heard it? Probably not his jam.
But I gotta say, every time I see this thread I think of the Alkaline Trio song. Has your son heard it? Probably not his jam.
IvanKaramazov
Footballguy
That's how I took it as well. It is an unfortunate fact of life that there are people out there (religious or not) who will think that it's perfectly fine to make an issue out of a young adult's gender transition. Statistically, it's quite likely for somebody like that to be present at a large event like a wedding, and also these sorts of events often bring out the worst in people. I would not toss the kid into a sink-or-swim situation here.
(For the record, I have no experience whatsoever with this particular issue, but I frequently deal with delicate issues similar to this sort of thing in my workplace).
Rich Conway
Footballguy
My basic Google-fu says DBT = Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Is this what you're referencing here? TIA
Rich Conway
Footballguy
Caught up on the past couple months of posts last night; not sure why I didn't notice there had been new posts. Great to hear that things are going well, and congrats to fgialc and family on handling this so well.
Workhorse
Footballguy
Yep. It's been a godsend. Even the parent skills part has been helpful for me and my wife.
fatguyinalittlecoat
Footballguy
I realize I haven't updated this thread in a few months, probably because everything seems to be going fine. Peter's name has now been legally changed and we're dealing with some different bureaucratic challenges to change all of his legal documents (passport, birth certificate, etc.) He's continued with the testosterone and his appearance has gradually been changing. It's hard for me to judge because I've known him his whole life but my perception is that strangers he encounters just assume he's lived as a male his whole life. I went with Peter over to a neighbor's house a couple times because he was helping her with computer stuff and it didn't seem to me like the neighbor had any idea that Peter had transitioned.
Peter and I have a consultation appointment with a top surgeon next week. My expecation is that we'll try to schedule him to have surgery in the beginning of the summer but we'll see what the doctor says. It would be great if Peter could go to college without boobs. He should be hearing about college admissions pretty soon.
Oh yeah, the other day was my aunt's 90th birthday. I talked to her on the phone for like 15 minutes all about Peter and what pronouns he uses and everything and she was totally awesome about it. The world is changing.
Peter and I have a consultation appointment with a top surgeon next week. My expecation is that we'll try to schedule him to have surgery in the beginning of the summer but we'll see what the doctor says. It would be great if Peter could go to college without boobs. He should be hearing about college admissions pretty soon.
Oh yeah, the other day was my aunt's 90th birthday. I talked to her on the phone for like 15 minutes all about Peter and what pronouns he uses and everything and she was totally awesome about it. The world is changing.
madshot31
Footballguy
Your son is a very brave person and your entire family is doing great! Keep up the awesome work and support, everyone deserves to have a support structure like your family is providing.
That generation is about family. It's about sticking together and caring for each other. This
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
It sure would. I knew someone in high school who had her nose fixed before college as a graduation present, and that seemed like a big deal. Looking like who you are seems colossal.
Merry Christmas.
PS- Your aunt seems awesome.
bigbottom
Footballguy
Great news all around! Will this just be breast surgery? What is the timing for the reconstructive surgery (downstairs)?
fatguyinalittlecoat
Footballguy
Yeah, this would be just for the top. Peter will decide as an adult whether he wants to make a change to his genitals, he just turned 17 so pretty soon all these medical decisions will be entirely his own.
My understanding is that female-to-male bottom surgery is still a procedure that is somewhat in its infancy, with different techniques, all with their own pros and cons. And lots of trans guys never do it at all because results tend to be mixed. Maybe Peter will be fortunate and they’ll get better at it in the coming years. But in any case, that’s something for Peter to decide on his own some time after he turns 18.
bigbottom
Footballguy
Thanks for the informative response. Our good friend’s daughter just completed her surgery several months ago and it went very well. But that is obviously a completely different surgery than the one that Peter is contemplating with a much longer track record.
I feel so out of the FFA loop; I'm just seeing this. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
Among the advantages Peter has, in addition to a loving family, is the ability to do the research you described. I have a friend who transitioned from male to female as an adult. When she was first trying to figure out why she felt the way she did, she had no idea that there were other people out there with similar thoughts. Simply finding out, belatedly, that there was a name for it made a big difference.
Becoming comfortable with being yourself is a lifelong process for all of us; it sounds like Peter might have a head start over most people.
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Two threads I saw today on twitter:
Gender is complicated:
https://twitter.com/JesseThorn/status/1377287133921116160
Sex is generally a lot more straightforward:
https://twitter.com/webdevMason/status/1377306650504175621
The claim that sex is binary isn't really a scientifically compelled position. It's an issue of semantics. But good semantic practices are supposed to reflect reality, and it seems true that, in reality, at least among vertebrates, sex is binary. Each individual organism within a given species will have either small sex cells are large sex cells, with no real ambiguity. There are no medium-sized sex cells. Classifying organisms by the size of their sex cells might seem a bit arbitrary, but it's pretty useful (i.e., not really arbitrary) because it's correlated with so much other stuff -- not just physical stuff like external genitalia, but also behavioral stuff, at least statistically.
Gender is complicated:
https://twitter.com/JesseThorn/status/1377287133921116160
Sex is generally a lot more straightforward:
https://twitter.com/webdevMason/status/1377306650504175621
The claim that sex is binary isn't really a scientifically compelled position. It's an issue of semantics. But good semantic practices are supposed to reflect reality, and it seems true that, in reality, at least among vertebrates, sex is binary. Each individual organism within a given species will have either small sex cells are large sex cells, with no real ambiguity. There are no medium-sized sex cells. Classifying organisms by the size of their sex cells might seem a bit arbitrary, but it's pretty useful (i.e., not really arbitrary) because it's correlated with so much other stuff -- not just physical stuff like external genitalia, but also behavioral stuff, at least statistically.
fatguyinalittlecoat
Footballguy
Hey all, been meaning to update the thread, sorry. Peter is doing great, he's still figuring out which college he's going to. We finally got his birth certificate, he's having top surgery in June, and he just seems very comfortable in his skin. I'll update more when I have a chance.
I'm just going to add to chorus of others that you are wonderful parents. Showing your kid love is the best thing you can do in life.
fatguyinalittlecoat
Footballguy
I was waiting to update until I knew where Peter would be going to college next year, so here goes:
Peter will be attending Washington University in St. Louis this fall. He'll be studying engineering. He seems really excited about it.
WashU apparently has special housing options for trans students if they want them but Peter isn't interested. He'll be living on campus in a suite with all male students, presumably his roommate and all his suitemates will be cis guys. That's something he's really looking forward to. The school allows people to just get randomly matched with roommates or they can submit the name of someone they want to room with. There's an active instagram group for incoming freshman where people are basically trying to pair up with roommates online. Peter's not necessarily opposed to going random but he has expressed some preference for finding someone to pair up with. So that process is ongoing, but Peter had a bit of a problem because his instagram page had zero pictures of him with friends or anything -- he's only been presenting as a male for about a year and he hasn't seen a lot of people during the pandemic. So he's been concerned that nobody would want to be his roommate because he might be a weird dude with no friends.
But it turns out he does have friends. Over the past year Peter has gotten very close with a group of four other guys from his high school that play "League of Legends" online all the time. He was always friendly with them even pre-transition, but until this year they were just some of Peter's many friends both male and female. Now I would consider them to be his best friends for sure. The five of them hang out online pretty much every day. A week or two ago the five of them got together for a whole day, partially for the purpose of taking pictures of themselves as a group so Peter could put them on his instagram page to prove he actually has friends. The same guys also have apparently been posting stuff on his instagram page for that same reason. They're good dudes and I'm really happy for Peter. He's never had an opportunity to have that male bonding type of friendship before and it's been awesome for him. I don't even give him crap for playing "League of Legends."
We're still finishing up with some of the legal and medical stuff associated with transitioning. But before he goes to college he will have a drivers license and passport with his correct name and gender on them, and he will have had top surgery. Everything is going well with the hormones, his legs are way hairier than mine at this point.*
All in all, things are awesome, Peter has a bright future ahead of him, and I am really proud.
*This may or may not be a result of my extensive manscaping regimen.
Peter will be attending Washington University in St. Louis this fall. He'll be studying engineering. He seems really excited about it.
WashU apparently has special housing options for trans students if they want them but Peter isn't interested. He'll be living on campus in a suite with all male students, presumably his roommate and all his suitemates will be cis guys. That's something he's really looking forward to. The school allows people to just get randomly matched with roommates or they can submit the name of someone they want to room with. There's an active instagram group for incoming freshman where people are basically trying to pair up with roommates online. Peter's not necessarily opposed to going random but he has expressed some preference for finding someone to pair up with. So that process is ongoing, but Peter had a bit of a problem because his instagram page had zero pictures of him with friends or anything -- he's only been presenting as a male for about a year and he hasn't seen a lot of people during the pandemic. So he's been concerned that nobody would want to be his roommate because he might be a weird dude with no friends.
But it turns out he does have friends. Over the past year Peter has gotten very close with a group of four other guys from his high school that play "League of Legends" online all the time. He was always friendly with them even pre-transition, but until this year they were just some of Peter's many friends both male and female. Now I would consider them to be his best friends for sure. The five of them hang out online pretty much every day. A week or two ago the five of them got together for a whole day, partially for the purpose of taking pictures of themselves as a group so Peter could put them on his instagram page to prove he actually has friends. The same guys also have apparently been posting stuff on his instagram page for that same reason. They're good dudes and I'm really happy for Peter. He's never had an opportunity to have that male bonding type of friendship before and it's been awesome for him. I don't even give him crap for playing "League of Legends."
We're still finishing up with some of the legal and medical stuff associated with transitioning. But before he goes to college he will have a drivers license and passport with his correct name and gender on them, and he will have had top surgery. Everything is going well with the hormones, his legs are way hairier than mine at this point.*
All in all, things are awesome, Peter has a bright future ahead of him, and I am really proud.
*This may or may not be a result of my extensive manscaping regimen.
Zow
Footballguy
Genuine question: in practical terms what does the bold mean? I've looked up "cis" online and I'm not entirely following I don't think. Is it just as simple as somebody who identifes as a specific sex and was born with the corresponding genitalia (regardless of sexual orientation)?
In other words, I identify as male and was born with all-male genitalia and therefore I'd be a "cis guy" regardless of whether I'm straight, gay, or other sexual orientation?
fatguyinalittlecoat
Footballguy
Zow
Footballguy
Awesome thanks. Just wanted to make sure I was understanding it correctly. I'm embarassed to say but I think my first introduction to the term was via a South Park episode and your post made me realize that I wasn't sure I understood with certainty what the term meant.
Zow
Footballguy
For anybody else confused like me I found the following article - which I hope is accurate - to be helpful: https://www.healthline.com/health/cisgender-vs-straight#overview
Apparently I'm a "cishet."
Apparently I'm a "cishet."
Zow
Footballguy
MTskibum
Footballguy
My best friend from highschool went there to get a bachelors and masters in aeronautical engineering. It is a really good school. Peter must be pretty bright to be accepted there.
The Z Machine
Footballguy
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