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A note to my coworker ... (2 Viewers)

Dear Officemate:

So far you have made it clear that you lack even a basic understand of programming, databases, science, history, literature, politics, geography, sports and everything else that you can cared to try to speak with me about. When I brought my headphones into the office the other day it was not because I wanted to share my musical tastes with you, but because they would hopefully drown out the incessant pointless ignorant gibberish spewing forth from the hole in your face.

Like right this moment you are talking about what would happen if DNA is "wrong". When I take off my headphones and ask you how you define wrong and you use the the analogy of Tibet vs China and conventional wisdom being wrong - it does not help your argument.

 
Boss:

You're one smart cookie, but we've figured you out. It's not the data entry clerks that keep turning on "Tyra Banks" in the breakroom every morning, it's you. And not because she's easy on the eyes, either. You've successfully deduced that the REAL worker drones, unable to discuss sports because of the incessant "Peepeepeepeepeepeepeepeepeepeepeepeepeepeep" coming from Oprah Lite and the Losers, will quickly flee back to their cubes as any sane person would. You, sir, are an admirably devious man, and will go far in this business.

Hiding the remote was just nasty, though.

FetchingcoffeeasfastasIcan,

Wamp

 
Dear just out of college office mates,

If you are going away from your desk for hours at a time while leaving your cell phone behind, please turn off the ringer. Having to hear your god awful custom song for a ring tone at top made in tiawan speaker blowing volume for 5 minutes straight every 10 minutes because you're not there to answer and your boy/girlfriend/husband/wife/softball team captain is too stupid to wait for you to call them back makes me want to insert the spasmodically blinking halogen light in the light fixture over my head into your tract, while still connected.

 
george said:
My office has 3 of these damn funds. I've been here a little over a year and just found out about hte third.1. Coffee fund- I don't mind chipping in my $5 every few months. I drink LOTS of coffee.2. Birthday/Card Office fund- Every couple months they hit me up for $10. Then when it's your birthday they buy cake/ice cream/pie for the office. We have no dining area. Everyone either takes it back to their desk or eats it on the reception area counter :shrug: 3. Just found out that the BUILDING (multiple offices) has a Sympathy fund. They wanted their $10 too. THREE F'N FUNDS!!!!CRAZY!!!! I've probably chipped in $100 in a year and a half. Oh yeah, I also got a memo couple months ago that was sent to the whole building asking that anyone who wanted to should call personell to donate sick time to somebody that works upstairs that I have never met...Ok, nice sentiment, but we already have a SICK BANK. Donate one day per year and you get back up to 90 days or something a year. And we have disability insurance...
Click to expand...
Dear Co-Workers,What do I care if tomorrow is Secretary's Day. Yes, I know we have FOUR secretarys. However, only one of them EVER does anything for me. One is just a pain in the ###, and never arrives on time, acts like I'm inconveniencing her if I ask her to do anything at all for me. The other two are anti-social/asocial.What??? You want $15 to buy them all flowers tomorrow. What about the 3 GD FUNDS we already have for every made up holidays and events. Take it out of one of those Damn funds I already contributed to. HOLY ####!!!! I'm so sick of people asking me for money.BTW-The Ice Cream cake today for our boss's birthday was great. Really enjoyed eating that in my office. Not only that, no one told me it was her birthday until it was "left out" by the coffee pot. Boss left before I even had a chance to say Happy B-Day. If I have to pay for all this #### could I please get an itemized list of what the hell we are paying for and when it will occur so I can at least give a half-hearted Congrats/Happy Birthday to the folks on the day "we" send it to them.RRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG,Signed,You Happy Co-workerBTW-My birthday is comeing up. I want PIE!!!! I better get some too considering all the crap I've paid for already.
 
Dear boss-type idiot,

We do not have ten grand to spend on your son's stupid legion baseball team. I know you went into business for yourself so you could have freedom and make a lot of money, but living like your rich before you actually are rich is not a good idea. It is also not so smart to be spending that kind of bank on an "advertising" expense that will net exactly $0 in increased revenue when you have just broken even over the last three months and still have a negative equity position.

What the hell does a legion baseball team need $10,000 for anyway!?! I'd like it if I didn't have to look for a new job in the next few months.

Thanks,

Your faithful employee, Jayrod

PS - it would be nice if you would actually answer your phone when someone from the office calls you

 
Just overheard at work (another thread idea of mine, incidentally):

"If only he was wearing sunglasses. I get a kick out of animals when they wear sunglasses."

 
Hi Fat-###,

You are not important and neither are your emails. Why is it that you feel the need to mark every email with 'high importance' and request a read receipt? Your job is worthless and you will soon be obsolete once we roll out our new system.

For your sake, I hope there is a company out there looking for an overweight, stinky guy who can't mind his own business for two ####en minutes.

Have a great day!

 
SKribbles said:
Hi Fat-###,You are not important and neither are your emails. Why is it that you feel the need to mark every email with 'high importance' and request a read receipt? Your job is worthless and you will soon be obsolete once we roll out our new system. For your sake, I hope there is a company out there looking for an overweight, stinky guy who can't mind his own business for two ####en minutes.Have a great day!
Click to expand...
I have the same loser working here then. Why does she do it?So when the #### hits the fan, she can blame somebody else."I marked the email important, so it's their fault if it didn't get handled in time. I even have a read receipt to prove that they read my email."
 
SuperJohn96 said:
SKribbles said:
Hi Fat-###,You are not important and neither are your emails. Why is it that you feel the need to mark every email with 'high importance' and request a read receipt? Your job is worthless and you will soon be obsolete once we roll out our new system. For your sake, I hope there is a company out there looking for an overweight, stinky guy who can't mind his own business for two ####en minutes.Have a great day!
Click to expand...
I have the same loser working here then. Why does she do it?So when the #### hits the fan, she can blame somebody else."I marked the email important, so it's their fault if it didn't get handled in time. I even have a read receipt to prove that they read my email."
Click to expand...
It makes no difference! All he/she has to do is say, "Look at the date of the email, I sent it off, it isn't my fault they didn't check their email or get it done."I have now made it mandatory that all emails I send to this guy are high importance with a read receipt. I also ask that he send meeting requests anytime he wants to talk to me.
 
Maude,

I'm glad to see you've spent the last month trying to correct a video problem with the same methods even though I've told you time and time again that you have to take a new approach. I love how you keep grabbing me from what I'm doing to get my advice on how to get something to work which I've told you multiple times won't work.

I come in today. See a friend/freelancer who stopped by to see you. I warn him not to get involved with this project. A couple of minutes ago you just came in and asked me "what were those filters we were using?" meaning the filters you were failing with for the past month. You've now roped him in on this path to nowhere as well.

I can't believe you've been with the company for so long. You're one of the biggest ditzes I've ever met.

Love,

Cunk

 
SKribbles said:
SuperJohn96 said:
SKribbles said:
Hi Fat-###,You are not important and neither are your emails. Why is it that you feel the need to mark every email with 'high importance' and request a read receipt? Your job is worthless and you will soon be obsolete once we roll out our new system. For your sake, I hope there is a company out there looking for an overweight, stinky guy who can't mind his own business for two ####en minutes.Have a great day!
Click to expand...
I have the same loser working here then. Why does she do it?So when the #### hits the fan, she can blame somebody else."I marked the email important, so it's their fault if it didn't get handled in time. I even have a read receipt to prove that they read my email."
Click to expand...
It makes no difference! All he/she has to do is say, "Look at the date of the email, I sent it off, it isn't my fault they didn't check their email or get it done."I have now made it mandatory that all emails I send to this guy are high importance with a read receipt. I also ask that he send meeting requests anytime he wants to talk to me.
Click to expand...
HA! I just remembered, she asked me on Tuesday if sending a read request means the reader knows that there is a read request, because she doesn't want that person to know she is sending a read request.I told her, "of course not, what would be the point in having a read request if the reader knows about it?":thumbdown:
 
Bat-poop Crazy woman:

You've truly outdone yourself today. Most people, when making a personal call on their cell phone that they know might get a little heated, might actually leave the room. Or failing that, if they do start to get upset and raise their voice, they might then step out to somewhere more private. But I must applaud you for having your entire loud conversation at your desk so the rest of us could enjoy it. I specifically enjoyed the parts about the "####### ho-bag" that your brother is dating, how "####### sick of this crap" you are, how your mom and siblings "can all go to hell", and how your mom is dead to you now. I'm sure we'll all be treated to further descriptions of what jerks they all are in the coming weeks.

I'm sure you're not part of the problem.

Still alive to you,

SM

 
popeye said:
Dear older lady who smells like kitty poo and $3.00/gallon perfume, YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA . . . . Cats!!11!! You're RIGHT!!! Cats ARE fun! Thanks so much for the past 27 minutes filled with kitten tales and silly sounds. They are SO MUCHbetter than the 20+ minutes of cat stories you told us all yesterday. And last weeks' cat stories have now been put to shame. Look forward to tomorrow and great tales you will have to share. You're peaches.Popeye
Click to expand...
####ing great,Now you have puppy stories. That's just so ####ing awesome.Oh, and I am thrilled that you made the trip to our department for NO OTHER REASON than the tell you dumb ### mother ####ing puppy stories. Yea ! ! ! !Slightly on edge,Pops
 
Dear 3rd floor slacker,

I understand that people are lazy on a Friday afternoon. I left at 4:00 because I didn't want to do anything.

However, if you're using the urinal on a Friday, and it overflows, PLEASE call facilities. It's really easy--you dial a 4-digit extension, they call you back, and you explain the problem.

Because of your ineptness, four hallways on three floors are now closed. I can't go into our kitchen, our bathroom, or even visit our salespeople to get my job done. I'll be afraid to ever use our kitchen again.

Yes, I'm pissed. Don't be a #### next time.

Yes, apparently it really is pee,

Keys

 
Dear coworkers and partners,

If I get anymore work within the next few days, I'm going to start stabbing people in their temples with my Bic mechanical pencil. It's not my fault the firm is short 2 senior staff accountants due to one getting knocked up and the other quitting. I guess that's what you get for hiring chicks. And it wouldn't be so bad if you stopped hiring rookies straight out of college. You and I both know that these "kids" just can't handle the work that I'm doing (which is why I'm getting it all). I'm not even considered (or paid as) a senior. Why should I be doing this all this work?

Looking at other opportunities,

eoMMan

 
Keys Myaths said:
Dear 3rd floor slacker,

I understand that people are lazy on a Friday afternoon. I left at 4:00 because I didn't want to do anything.

However, if you're using the urinal on a Friday, and it overflows, PLEASE call facilities. It's really easy--you dial a 4-digit extension, they call you back, and you explain the problem.

Because of your ineptness, four hallways on three floors are now closed. I can't go into our kitchen, our bathroom, or even visit our salespeople to get my job done. I'll be afraid to ever use our kitchen again.

Yes, I'm pissed. Don't be a #### next time.

Yes, apparently it really is pee,

Keys
Click to expand...
Pun intended?
 
Dear Sniffles Mahatma:

Thank you for letting the entire office know that your cell phone is ker####etty. You let us know this by not only shouting during the entire call to your cell service provider, but also by repeatedly and annoyingly having them call your cell phone with that Godforsaken "doodely, doodely, doodely DOOT! doodely, doodely, doodely DOOT fanfare of a ring tone at approximately Who concert volume levels.

I do not need to hear "Nobo, I dibid nobbot drobbop ibt!" repeatedly.

I do not need to see people two rows over come in to the area where we work to figure out why you're arguing.

There are enclaves for this sort of ####. Please use them.

And stop screwing up the forms that we use and then, when you can't figure out what the hell you did, come over to my desk and start babbling away about "caban youboo hebelp mebee?" with your head jiggling like one of those dogs in the back of an old Datsun. See this thing? It's a phone receiver. I'm talking on it. I am not paying attention to you. And standing there expecting me to do anything to correct your foolish error while I'm on the phone is beyond annoying, it's downright rude.

Please stop working between 1:30 and 3:00 and start checking your retirement accounts online like you do from 8:30 until 1:30. Our productivity will increase exponentially.

Thank you SIR!

 
Dear crazy cat lady:

I know you've got many cats, you've never been married and currently live with your also unmarried sister.

Thanks for the call the other day, advising me that you won't be in because "Charles" was up all night sick. I would have understood a little more had you said you were going to stay home and catch up on sleep. But you said that you were staying home to keep an eye on the cat.

I know having a sick animal isn't fun, but I can't get the image out of my head of you holding the cat over the toilet as it's vomiting and you stroking his head saying "it's OK, mama's here, mama's here."

See you in hell,

SR

 
Dear Hypochondriac Lady,

First you were having stomach issues due to tomatoes and nuts. Now, you determined that there's no scientific basis for the nuts causing your issues. I'm glad all your hard work in the lab paid off on that one. Now, the same day that we all got to hear you talking about how you needed to go get some kind of abdominal scan, I walk into the kitchen, and you're chowing down on a Big Mac. I hear those are great for digestive health. :lmao:

It's truly amazing that you continue to have all these issues with your healthy eating habits. I admire your dedication in not opting for the salad during the multiple times per week you go to Wendy's. For the life of me, I can't figure out why, despite all the times I've heard you say that you're going to lose weight, you've actually gotten bigger. Ah, the mysteries of the human body.

Yours in good health,

SM

 
Dear Uber-hottie,

Please do not walk into the break room unexpectedly whilst I am stuffing my fat maw with pop tarts. I barely had time to wipe the crumbs off my face, let alone suck in my gut and puff out my chest.

Lustfully,

Cap

 
I know that I'm the youngest and most technically inclined person in the office and that it makes me the IT guy by default. But the sheer ineptitude/laziness that is routinely displayed in this office is mind boggling.

Surely the copier doesn't need to be down for over an hour while I'm away from my desk simply because it needs toner replaced. I'm absolutely positive that someone else can follow the 2 simple directions to replace the toner and get the copier running again. It's really not a technical issue at all.

And honestly, our internet setup is really not that complicated. It's simply a DSL modem and typical home router. As I've demonstrated repeatedly, if the internet signal goes down, all you have to do is unplug the modem and router, wait 30 seconds, plug the modem back in and then plug the router back in. It's really not a difficult process. It really shouldn't require a phone call to me or an entire day of the internet being down simply because you choose not to remember this simple procedure.

When the shredder fills up, I'm sure that the rest of you could figure out how to empty it.

I have no idea how the electronic hole puncher works. If it gets jammed or stops working properly, I have as much clue on how to fix it as you do.

I know that I'm good at finding things online, but I'm not sure that the company time is best spent with me looking up replacement dishwasher parts, flight times, high school sports standings, customer service numbers for tv remotes, etc. Granted, I'd actually rather be doing that stuff than my actual job, but it's still not really a good use of my time.

 
GroveDiesel said:
I know that I'm the youngest and most technically inclined person in the office and that it makes me the IT guy by default. But the sheer ineptitude/laziness that is routinely displayed in this office is mind boggling. Surely the copier doesn't need to be down for over an hour while I'm away from my desk simply because it needs toner replaced. I'm absolutely positive that someone else can follow the 2 simple directions to replace the toner and get the copier running again. It's really not a technical issue at all.And honestly, our internet setup is really not that complicated. It's simply a DSL modem and typical home router. As I've demonstrated repeatedly, if the internet signal goes down, all you have to do is unplug the modem and router, wait 30 seconds, plug the modem back in and then plug the router back in. It's really not a difficult process. It really shouldn't require a phone call to me or an entire day of the internet being down simply because you choose not to remember this simple procedure.When the shredder fills up, I'm sure that the rest of you could figure out how to empty it.I have no idea how the electronic hole puncher works. If it gets jammed or stops working properly, I have as much clue on how to fix it as you do.I know that I'm good at finding things online, but I'm not sure that the company time is best spent with me looking up replacement dishwasher parts, flight times, high school sports standings, customer service numbers for tv remotes, etc. Granted, I'd actually rather be doing that stuff than my actual job, but it's still not really a good use of my time.
Click to expand...
hey, can you stop by my cube when you get a chance? i can't find the "any" key. TIA.
 
Dear part-time pastor across the room,

Just because the guy next to me often plays his "devil setlist" of Incubus, Dave Matthews Band, Foo Fighters, and Counting Crows DOES NOT MEAN you have to battle the evil by playing gospel music. And don't tell his boss that other people have been complaining about his music, when it is in fact you, being the only one that doesn't like the silence broken by some nice music to chill to. Please stop.

 
joffer said:
GroveDiesel said:
I know that I'm the youngest and most technically inclined person in the office and that it makes me the IT guy by default. But the sheer ineptitude/laziness that is routinely displayed in this office is mind boggling. Surely the copier doesn't need to be down for over an hour while I'm away from my desk simply because it needs toner replaced. I'm absolutely positive that someone else can follow the 2 simple directions to replace the toner and get the copier running again. It's really not a technical issue at all.And honestly, our internet setup is really not that complicated. It's simply a DSL modem and typical home router. As I've demonstrated repeatedly, if the internet signal goes down, all you have to do is unplug the modem and router, wait 30 seconds, plug the modem back in and then plug the router back in. It's really not a difficult process. It really shouldn't require a phone call to me or an entire day of the internet being down simply because you choose not to remember this simple procedure.When the shredder fills up, I'm sure that the rest of you could figure out how to empty it.I have no idea how the electronic hole puncher works. If it gets jammed or stops working properly, I have as much clue on how to fix it as you do.I know that I'm good at finding things online, but I'm not sure that the company time is best spent with me looking up replacement dishwasher parts, flight times, high school sports standings, customer service numbers for tv remotes, etc. Granted, I'd actually rather be doing that stuff than my actual job, but it's still not really a good use of my time.
Click to expand...
hey, can you stop by my cube when you get a chance? i can't find the "any" key. TIA.
Click to expand...
That's not too far from the truth. I routinely hear "This said that there was an error and that it needs to restart, should I restart?" :confused:
 
Dear Whoeverthehellyouare;

I do not know why you loaded the copy machine with curly paper. I have no idea what project you could possibly be working on that would require curly paper. Maybe you're sending it to someone in a Quaker Oats can. I really have no idea.

I do, however, know that it's a pretty sizeable project. I can tell this by the massive pile of curly paper that's being spewed out of the exit hole of the copier. There must be 250 pages of curly paper, some of it rolled up with its neighbors, others just sort of lying there perpendicular to the rest of the pages and allowing the pile to grow exponentially, in that two foot by three foot area next to the copier exit hole. A toddler may be in there. I'm not checking. The bins on the copy machine only hold so much, and you blew past that capacity about 15 minutes ago.

So in summary, I don't know who you are, Office Einstein.

I do, however, know that you had "Collate" selected.

Good luck with that.

Sincerely, Bakes.

 
Dear crazy cat lady, part two;

I know you're switching departments on a one-year assignment. I'm going to be doing your job while you're away, so when I come to your office to get an update on your projects that I'll be taking over can you please just answer my ####### questions instead of digging around in your ear with a pencil, ummming and ahhhing for 5 minutes?

With no help from you on these issues, you can expect me to provide your new contact information to our colleagues that are relying on the projects you've left unfinished. Please anticipate multiple voicemail and email messages from colleagues fixing up the messes you left behind.

I hope you get the Hanta Virus.

SR

 
george said:
My office has 3 of these damn funds. I've been here a little over a year and just found out about hte third.1. Coffee fund- I don't mind chipping in my $5 every few months. I drink LOTS of coffee.2. Birthday/Card Office fund- Every couple months they hit me up for $10. Then when it's your birthday they buy cake/ice cream/pie for the office. We have no dining area. Everyone either takes it back to their desk or eats it on the reception area counter :lmao: 3. Just found out that the BUILDING (multiple offices) has a Sympathy fund. They wanted their $10 too. THREE F'N FUNDS!!!!CRAZY!!!! I've probably chipped in $100 in a year and a half. Oh yeah, I also got a memo couple months ago that was sent to the whole building asking that anyone who wanted to should call personell to donate sick time to somebody that works upstairs that I have never met...Ok, nice sentiment, but we already have a SICK BANK. Donate one day per year and you get back up to 90 days or something a year. And we have disability insurance...
Click to expand...
Okay, I'm going to sound cold-hearted but I WAS HIT UP TWO MORE TIMES TODAY FOR $$$. Situation 1: Woman that works in another department's husband passed away. We had an office meeting this morning to discuss going to the funeral as a group, etc. I agree this is respectful and we should all go, even if I didn't know her well. So question comes up, should we send flowers/plant. Obviously, yes! We have a sympathy fund for this. Then someone else says, maybe we should all donate some money to help her with the funeral costs... I'm not trying to be a ####, I don't know her financial situation, but this woman is a Registered Nurse, drives a MUCH nicer car than me, and is of an age where this should not be a totally unexpected situation. Thankfully, no one really said much when the idea was brought up to give her cash and it wilted without anyone agreeing to do this. However, I then hear two co-workers whispering afterward, that they thought we should have given her $$$ and they are going to. Well, if you really felt that way or know that she needs money, you should have spoke up during the office meeting. I would certainly not expect people to give me money if my spouse died...Situation 2: An employee is retiring after 41 years. Never met him. Had to ask who he was. Works in a different area of the company/differnet department. He will recieve a pension that will pay him 82% of his highest pay along with free health insurance for life! Why in the world are we passing an envelope around our office to give him something ($) for his retirement?Maybe my priorities are messed up. I'm starting to think so. Signed,I already gave at the office 3x.PS. I make less money than you and why should I give it to you.
 
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Dear Coworker:

Please have your cranial pressure vent adjusted. Every time it goes off during a phone conversation, as in "Let me see if I can find it... tch-tch-tch-tch-tchhhhhhhhooooooooo... There it is" it's like a tiny jackhammer attacking my eardrum.

Thanks

The Capn.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Overheard at work:

Coworker, on the phone: "Should we bring some drinks? ... Does he drink beer? ... Does he drink beer? ... What does he drink? ... Oh, fuzzy navel ..."

 
An oldie, but goodie.

Overheard at work:

Coworker (discussing a police officer who was manning a speed trap in Austin): "He was giving (tickets) away like they were sliced bread."

 
####### great. SOUP SLURPY is right behind me. This chick is already way weird enough but the slurping is absolutely awful.

 
Dear stinkfoot;

It's Friday, and I understand casual Friday's. However, shorts and a pair of "sport" sandals might be a little too casual. What makes it worse, if you couldn't already tell by your nickname, is that these sandals and your feet smell like death. The past two hours in our French class have been nauseating. Do this again, and I may be forced to make you a double amputee.

SR

 
Dear DPH-JD,

A week ago today, a coworker of ours told me you were taking this week off, and it was music to my ears. Sadly, I now sit here lamenting the fact that you will be coming back in on Tuesday.

Here's hoping that you enjoy the long weekend, having a nice family BBQ, maybe some good times, and then WHAMMO somebody jokingly ties a string to your leg and a firecracker, lights it, and you shoot up into the sky with a brilliant send-off.

But probably I'll just see your stupid face and your loud stupid goose laugh on Tuesday.

:sigh:

 
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