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Dating Advice - I blew and now acting on emotion. Is there anything I can do now? (1 Viewer)

stbugs

Footballguy
I like @Zow’s advice. Either ignore it or send a “doing well, hope you are too” simple response followed by dead air.

She has no interest in a relationship with you, but has no issue with you being back up man. Saying nothing or a simple response says you know it’s over and you are moving on, which you need to do. In your current state, you will never ever be back in a relationship with her. If you do perchance re-engage because she moves back to the area in the future, then it’s only going to happen if you have moved on and taken care of yourself and are actually in a better place. Best case, you found someone better after getting yourself together.
 

Leroy Hoard

Footballguy
DO NOT RESPOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO NOT RESPOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO NOT RESPOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO NOT RESPOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO NOT RESPOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, agreed. Hate to be the cynic, but odds are she is looking for an ego boost of some sort that you're still there "just in case... ." It's human nature. Based on your description of your last call, it's probably best if you do not play that role. Anything beyond "How thoughtful, I'm doing well and wish the best for you" is too much.
Chris Rock described it as being the reserve "**** in the box".
 
Message from her today:
Hey, I am thinking of you and hope you're doing ok...
And taking care of yourself too.

I haven't been taking care of myself. I have lost 10 lbs, I am depressed and I love her. I really don't think she is opening any doors to a relationship, but how would I go about responding? I know I can't depend on this and need to get better, but I'm lost. I really think, from our conversation, she isn't ready for a relationship right now and I believe her, but how can I remain in the picture without looking desperate and stupid. I'd do anything to try and make things right. I do feel like I did a lot wrong that turned her off and I know she's not opening the door.

This really depends on how you feel about her message. I don't agree with a lot of people here that she's trying to keep you around as a maybe. My sense is, considering what you've shared with us, is that she knows she's the first person to break your heart and that your history makes you particularly vulnerable. And she cares enough about you (without wanting to be in a relationship with you anymore) to see how you're doing. And if that's your take as well and its something you appreciate, you could respond with something short acknowledging her concern. Something like, "I'm holding up. You're kind to ask." But in doing that, you have to understand that you're not doing it to keep yourself in the picture. You're doing it to acknowledge that you appreciate her concern and appreciate the times you had together.

Another way you could respond, honestly, is to write "I appreciate your concern, but I'm not sure it's really healthy for either of us to be in regular contact right now. I want to respect your boundaries and that's hard to do without some time and space to process that this is over." The benefit of this approach is that you're taking responsibility for limiting the contact because you know it's not healthy for you right now.

Whatever you do, accept that this is over and cut yourself some slack. Maybe you messed up. So what. No relationship survives because neither partner ever messes up. Fairly or not, your situation is going to raise red flags. It would be a miracle if you were comfortable and self-assured in your first relationship at your age. It doesn't make her a monster if she's not able to deal with that right now. But it also doesn't make you inherently unloveable. If you can believe that about yourself, someone else will see it too, red flags and all.
 

GoBirds

Footballguy
Message from her today:
Hey, I am thinking of you and hope you're doing ok...
And taking care of yourself too.

I haven't been taking care of myself. I have lost 10 lbs, I am depressed and I love her. I really don't think she is opening any doors to a relationship, but how would I go about responding? I know I can't depend on this and need to get better, but I'm lost. I really think, from our conversation, she isn't ready for a relationship right now and I believe her, but how can I remain in the picture without looking desperate and stupid. I'd do anything to try and make things right. I do feel like I did a lot wrong that turned her off and I know she's not opening the door.
I wouldn’t respond. The sooner you face this head on the sooner the pain ends my friends, you got this.
 

tri-man 47

Footballguy
Message from her today:
Hey, I am thinking of you and hope you're doing ok...
And taking care of yourself too.

I haven't been taking care of myself. I have lost 10 lbs, I am depressed and I love her. I really don't think she is opening any doors to a relationship, but how would I go about responding? I know I can't depend on this and need to get better, but I'm lost. I really think, from our conversation, she isn't ready for a relationship right now and I believe her, but how can I remain in the picture without looking desperate and stupid. I'd do anything to try and make things right. I do feel like I did a lot wrong that turned her off and I know she's not opening the door.
At least she respects her elders. That's somethin'.
 

BigJim®

Footballguy
Message from her today:
Hey, I am thinking of you and hope you're doing ok...
And taking care of yourself too.

I haven't been taking care of myself. I have lost 10 lbs, I am depressed and I love her. I really don't think she is opening any doors to a relationship, but how would I go about responding? I know I can't depend on this and need to get better, but I'm lost. I really think, from our conversation, she isn't ready for a relationship right now and I believe her, but how can I remain in the picture without looking desperate and stupid. I'd do anything to try and make things right. I do feel like I did a lot wrong that turned her off and I know she's not opening the door.

This really depends on how you feel about her message. I don't agree with a lot of people here that she's trying to keep you around as a maybe. My sense is, considering what you've shared with us, is that she knows she's the first person to break your heart and that your history makes you particularly vulnerable. And she cares enough about you (without wanting to be in a relationship with you anymore) to see how you're doing. And if that's your take as well and its something you appreciate, you could respond with something short acknowledging her concern. Something like, "I'm holding up. You're kind to ask." But in doing that, you have to understand that you're not doing it to keep yourself in the picture. You're doing it to acknowledge that you appreciate her concern and appreciate the times you had together.

Another way you could respond, honestly, is to write "I appreciate your concern, but I'm not sure it's really healthy for either of us to be in regular contact right now. I want to respect your boundaries and that's hard to do without some time and space to process that this is over." The benefit of this approach is that you're taking responsibility for limiting the contact because you know it's not healthy for you right now.

Whatever you do, accept that this is over and cut yourself some slack. Maybe you messed up. So what. No relationship survives because neither partner ever messes up. Fairly or not, your situation is going to raise red flags. It would be a miracle if you were comfortable and self-assured in your first relationship at your age. It doesn't make her a monster if she's not able to deal with that right now. But it also doesn't make you inherently unloveable. If you can believe that about yourself, someone else will see it too, red flags and all.
Hmm… “…if that’s your take…”? Have you read the thread? I’m not trying to be mean, but OP has misread and spun every obvious indicator thrown his way. Let him walk away with an ounce of pride. The suggestion in your second paragraph screams “Woe is me I’m shattered.” First step to regaining his confidence is being unemotional here.
 
Message from her today:
Hey, I am thinking of you and hope you're doing ok...
And taking care of yourself too.

I haven't been taking care of myself. I have lost 10 lbs, I am depressed and I love her. I really don't think she is opening any doors to a relationship, but how would I go about responding? I know I can't depend on this and need to get better, but I'm lost. I really think, from our conversation, she isn't ready for a relationship right now and I believe her, but how can I remain in the picture without looking desperate and stupid. I'd do anything to try and make things right. I do feel like I did a lot wrong that turned her off and I know she's not opening the door.

This really depends on how you feel about her message. I don't agree with a lot of people here that she's trying to keep you around as a maybe. My sense is, considering what you've shared with us, is that she knows she's the first person to break your heart and that your history makes you particularly vulnerable. And she cares enough about you (without wanting to be in a relationship with you anymore) to see how you're doing. And if that's your take as well and its something you appreciate, you could respond with something short acknowledging her concern. Something like, "I'm holding up. You're kind to ask." But in doing that, you have to understand that you're not doing it to keep yourself in the picture. You're doing it to acknowledge that you appreciate her concern and appreciate the times you had together.

Another way you could respond, honestly, is to write "I appreciate your concern, but I'm not sure it's really healthy for either of us to be in regular contact right now. I want to respect your boundaries and that's hard to do without some time and space to process that this is over." The benefit of this approach is that you're taking responsibility for limiting the contact because you know it's not healthy for you right now.

Whatever you do, accept that this is over and cut yourself some slack. Maybe you messed up. So what. No relationship survives because neither partner ever messes up. Fairly or not, your situation is going to raise red flags. It would be a miracle if you were comfortable and self-assured in your first relationship at your age. It doesn't make her a monster if she's not able to deal with that right now. But it also doesn't make you inherently unloveable. If you can believe that about yourself, someone else will see it too, red flags and all.
Hmm… “…if that’s your take…”? Have you read the thread? I’m not trying to be mean, but OP has misread and spun every obvious indicator thrown his way. Let him walk away with an ounce of pride. The suggestion in your second paragraph screams “Woe is me I’m shattered.” First step to regaining his confidence is being unemotional here.
He is shattered. Telling him not to be isn't going to change that fact and I doubt there's any response that is going to convince her that he isn't. Spiderman hasn't told us, but I assume she's not an idiot. I don't think the danger in him responding is that he discloses that he's hurt. She knows that. The danger is that he takes the interaction as some type of invitation to continue entertaining the option of winning her back, which inevitably will end in her having to break his heart again.

I think not responding is certainly a valid option. He is under no obligation to appreciate or even acknowledge her concern. But I don't think it's any better than an honest response so long as that response recognizes the reality that the relationship is over.
 

BigJim®

Footballguy
Message from her today:
Hey, I am thinking of you and hope you're doing ok...
And taking care of yourself too.

I haven't been taking care of myself. I have lost 10 lbs, I am depressed and I love her. I really don't think she is opening any doors to a relationship, but how would I go about responding? I know I can't depend on this and need to get better, but I'm lost. I really think, from our conversation, she isn't ready for a relationship right now and I believe her, but how can I remain in the picture without looking desperate and stupid. I'd do anything to try and make things right. I do feel like I did a lot wrong that turned her off and I know she's not opening the door.

This really depends on how you feel about her message. I don't agree with a lot of people here that she's trying to keep you around as a maybe. My sense is, considering what you've shared with us, is that she knows she's the first person to break your heart and that your history makes you particularly vulnerable. And she cares enough about you (without wanting to be in a relationship with you anymore) to see how you're doing. And if that's your take as well and its something you appreciate, you could respond with something short acknowledging her concern. Something like, "I'm holding up. You're kind to ask." But in doing that, you have to understand that you're not doing it to keep yourself in the picture. You're doing it to acknowledge that you appreciate her concern and appreciate the times you had together.

Another way you could respond, honestly, is to write "I appreciate your concern, but I'm not sure it's really healthy for either of us to be in regular contact right now. I want to respect your boundaries and that's hard to do without some time and space to process that this is over." The benefit of this approach is that you're taking responsibility for limiting the contact because you know it's not healthy for you right now.

Whatever you do, accept that this is over and cut yourself some slack. Maybe you messed up. So what. No relationship survives because neither partner ever messes up. Fairly or not, your situation is going to raise red flags. It would be a miracle if you were comfortable and self-assured in your first relationship at your age. It doesn't make her a monster if she's not able to deal with that right now. But it also doesn't make you inherently unloveable. If you can believe that about yourself, someone else will see it too, red flags and all.
Hmm… “…if that’s your take…”? Have you read the thread? I’m not trying to be mean, but OP has misread and spun every obvious indicator thrown his way. Let him walk away with an ounce of pride. The suggestion in your second paragraph screams “Woe is me I’m shattered.” First step to regaining his confidence is being unemotional here.
He is shattered. Telling him not to be isn't going to change that fact and I doubt there's any response that is going to convince her that he isn't. Spiderman hasn't told us, but I assume she's not an idiot. I don't think the danger in him responding is that he discloses that he's hurt. She knows that. The danger is that he takes the interaction as some type of invitation to continue entertaining the option of winning her back, which inevitably will end in her having to break his heart again.

I think not responding is certainly a valid option. He is under no obligation to appreciate or even acknowledge her concern. But I don't think it's any better than an honest response so long as that response recognizes the reality that the relationship is over.
You misunderstand. I’m not telling him not to be shattered. I’m saying he should not, under any circumstance, convey that to her. I do think not responding says more about his actual state of mind than a short/crisp reply. I just disagree with what you proposed. He needs to stop digging his hole and you are advising him to trust his take and handing him a shovel… JMHO. He should limit himself to 8 words.
 
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Zow

Footballguy
Message from her today:
Hey, I am thinking of you and hope you're doing ok...
And taking care of yourself too.

I haven't been taking care of myself. I have lost 10 lbs, I am depressed and I love her. I really don't think she is opening any doors to a relationship, but how would I go about responding? I know I can't depend on this and need to get better, but I'm lost. I really think, from our conversation, she isn't ready for a relationship right now and I believe her, but how can I remain in the picture without looking desperate and stupid. I'd do anything to try and make things right. I do feel like I did a lot wrong that turned her off and I know she's not opening the door.

This really depends on how you feel about her message. I don't agree with a lot of people here that she's trying to keep you around as a maybe. My sense is, considering what you've shared with us, is that she knows she's the first person to break your heart and that your history makes you particularly vulnerable. And she cares enough about you (without wanting to be in a relationship with you anymore) to see how you're doing. And if that's your take as well and its something you appreciate, you could respond with something short acknowledging her concern. Something like, "I'm holding up. You're kind to ask." But in doing that, you have to understand that you're not doing it to keep yourself in the picture. You're doing it to acknowledge that you appreciate her concern and appreciate the times you had together.

Another way you could respond, honestly, is to write "I appreciate your concern, but I'm not sure it's really healthy for either of us to be in regular contact right now. I want to respect your boundaries and that's hard to do without some time and space to process that this is over." The benefit of this approach is that you're taking responsibility for limiting the contact because you know it's not healthy for you right now.

Whatever you do, accept that this is over and cut yourself some slack. Maybe you messed up. So what. No relationship survives because neither partner ever messes up. Fairly or not, your situation is going to raise red flags. It would be a miracle if you were comfortable and self-assured in your first relationship at your age. It doesn't make her a monster if she's not able to deal with that right now. But it also doesn't make you inherently unloveable. If you can believe that about yourself, someone else will see it too, red flags and all.
Hmm… “…if that’s your take…”? Have you read the thread? I’m not trying to be mean, but OP has misread and spun every obvious indicator thrown his way. Let him walk away with an ounce of pride. The suggestion in your second paragraph screams “Woe is me I’m shattered.” First step to regaining his confidence is being unemotional here.
He is shattered. Telling him not to be isn't going to change that fact and I doubt there's any response that is going to convince her that he isn't. Spiderman hasn't told us, but I assume she's not an idiot. I don't think the danger in him responding is that he discloses that he's hurt. She knows that. The danger is that he takes the interaction as some type of invitation to continue entertaining the option of winning her back, which inevitably will end in her having to break his heart again.

I think not responding is certainly a valid option. He is under no obligation to appreciate or even acknowledge her concern. But I don't think it's any better than an honest response so long as that response recognizes the reality that the relationship is over.
You misunderstand. I’m not telling him not to be shattered. I’m saying he should not, under any circumstance, convey that to her. I do think not responding says more about his actual state of mind than a short/crisp reply. I just disagree with what you proposed. He needs to stop digging his hole and you are advising him to trust his take and handing him a shovel… JMHO. He should limit himself to 8 words - and extra credit if he can work in reciprocation of the word ‘gesture.’
I actually tend to agree with both of you. I think some minor acknowledgement of the hurt is okay, provided it's super short. Maybe something like, "I'm holding up okay. I hope you're well and I appreciate you asking."
 

Zow

Footballguy
Just know that every time she contacts you it restarts the healing process. I’d send her a text saying……keeping busy, thanks for the concern……..and then block her.
He's not going to block her.

I'm not saying it's a bad suggestion - I'm just saying it's more likely to snow in Phoenix right now than him blocking her. So, we need to focus on the potential response.
 

fruity pebbles

Footballguy
Just know that every time she contacts you it restarts the healing process. I’d send her a text saying……keeping busy, thanks for the concern……..and then block her.
He's not going to block her.

I'm not saying it's a bad suggestion - I'm just saying it's more likely to snow in Phoenix right now than him blocking her. So, we need to focus on the potential response.
Agreed but he’s just reveling in his hurt this way, holding out a sliver of hope and she’s giving it to him. It’s actually quite manipulative on her part to contact him this soon after dumping him. I’d never do that to someone I let go, it’s kinda mean.
 

Drunken knight

Footballguy
I actually tend to agree with both of you. I think some minor acknowledgement of the hurt is okay, provided it's super short. Maybe something like, "I'm holding up okay. I hope you're well and I appreciate you asking."

"I'm doing great. I've been out a bit. Catch you later."

He does not need to provide any emotional connection, nor should lean on her for support. He has enough friends.

Edit: in fact, distancing from her is better. She doesn't get to pick and choose what parts of him she wants in her life. She made the choice by ending things.
 
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Spiderman

Footballguy
I don't want to end things with her. I know it is probably over. I get that, but I am in a depression. Is there any response I can give that is not desperate, shows I care, I want her back and that i am willing to do whatever that takes?
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
I love her. I messed up, she is not moving on , I don't think, but needs to figure things out.

Is there anyway to make things right?

Small steps. I love her. I realize it's likely over, and she reached out because she does care for me.

Im a mess
 

fruity pebbles

Footballguy
I don't want to end things with her. I know it is probably over. I get that, but I am in a depression. Is there any response I can give that is not desperate, shows I care, I want her back and that i am willing to do whatever that takes?
Acting needy is the worst thing you can do. That's very unattractive. If there's even a glimmer of hope, act like you have your stuff together and you're moving forward......and most importantly do it.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Is there any path back for us?.

She said she needed to figure out what she wanted and couldn't be in a relationship.

That is probably the end for me. I g
get it. I just have so many regrets. I want to try if there is a way
 

dkp993

Footballguy
Is there any path back for us?.

She said she needed to figure out what she wanted and couldn't be in a relationship.

That is probably the end for me. I g
get it. I just have so many regrets. I want to try if there is a way
Most of us have been there, we get it. But you need to hear us now. Strength, confidence and a healthy you is THE ONLY version that has a shot at this relationship. That is not you right now. You need to find that you. Any other response other than a very quick “I’m fine hope you’re doing well” type response I will get you nowhere. She doesn’t want desperate unhealthy you. She’s made that clear.

Process this pain and find your best self. I know that sounds hard right now but it’s the path. And it’s not a path unique to you it’s a path we’ve all had to walk. You’ve got this, stay strong
 

Skipdog77

Footballguy
I don't want to end things with her. I know it is probably over. I get that, but I am in a depression. Is there any response I can give that is not desperate, shows I care, I want her back and that i am willing to do whatever that takes?
In case this whole thing hasn't been a big fishing trip, I'm sorry you are in so much pain over this. Rather than getting advice from some randos on a magic football message board, please find a professional in your area that you can talk to to help you process this and work on the depression.

You are so focused on "her" at a time that it's obvious you need to be focused on you. Your worth is not tied up in her, or her love for you (or the lack of it). It sounds cliche, but you really need to be able to love and be comfortable with yourself before you can successfully share that with another person. I think that she is worried about your state, and based on the above I am too. I think it means she cares about your well-being, but nothing has changed about wanting to be in a relationship right now. Stop worrying about what you should respond with and use that energy to find a counselor or therapist who can help you. Get yourself right before you do anything else.
 

DocHolliday

Footballguy
Most of us have been crushed in a relationship. It is devastating to still love someone that stops loving you. You must come to terms with that and eventually you will be ok. It’s going to be weeks or months but you have to keep living. Find a bunch of stuff to do and focus on you. If you don’t want to date anyone else for a bit, don’t. At some point, you will move on and will be fine.
 

Dinsy Ejotuz

Footballguy
Maybe you messed up. So what. No relationship survives because neither partner ever messes up.
100% this.

You didn't "mess up". It's almost impossible to mess up if you're with the right person. Many people do utterly ridiculous things while dating their partner and it still works out. Believe me on this one.

Find someone who makes you feel like your screw ups and human weakness and foibles just aren't that big a deal. And if you can't cut yourself that slack today -- if you feel like you have to be perfect to be in a relationship that will work -- that's a great place to start working on being someone who'll be a better partner down the road.
 

SWC

Bromigo
when i am emoshunally crushed in a relationship i go to the nearest sizzler and drown my sorrows in onion rings and prison grade salisbury steak with heavy gravy and then i toss on a pair of homemade jorts and i mean only jorts and go hang out at a car wash give it a try and thank me later take that to the bank brohan
 
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STEADYMOBBIN 22

Footballguy
I love her. I messed up, she is not moving on , I don't think, but needs to figure things out.

Is there anyway to make things right?

Small steps. I love her. I realize it's likely over, and she reached out because she does care for me.

Im a mess

You might be a mess but it’s perfectly acceptable to be so. Don’t get too down on yourself. We have all been where you’re at right now. It will get better no matter how bleak it seems right now.

What others are saying about not acting needy is really hard to do but it’s literally the only chance you have. Not only in this relationship but in future relationships.
 

STEADYMOBBIN 22

Footballguy
@Spiderman what are your interests and hobbies? Talk about them in here. What’s something that you’re super interested in? There’s somebody here that’s also into it. Dive into tha to keep your mind off of this.

Who’s your favorite football team? I’ll talk **** about them.
 

BigJim®

Footballguy
I don't want to end things with her. I know it is probably over. I get that, but I am in a depression. Is there any response I can give that is not desperate, shows I care, I want her back and that i am willing to do whatever that takes?
Agreed with the posters suggesting you seek professional help - TOMORROW. Be honest with yourself whether you could fall in love with any depressed woman who is so tethered to your relationship that she loses herself, and her own individual self worth, so completely. That ain’t love, JMHO, and you need to get to the root of it.
 
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Major

Footballguy
I love her. I messed up, she is not moving on , I don't think, but needs to figure things out.

Is there anyway to make things right?

Small steps. I love her. I realize it's likely over, and she reached out because she does care for me.

Im a mess

I think there have been close to a 100 responses of how to respond appropriately. It hurts but you really should block her and clear your mind. If you can't do that a quick text back that is concise yet cordial. Right now she feels sorry for you. Women don't want a simp.

Time to work on yourself and build your confidence back up. Eventually, you'll be back out there and once you forget her, they have this sixth sense that you've moved on. Then and only then will she come calling ;)

And seriously, there are so many women out there (many that live in your town). I think you're romanticizing this woman and the relationship partly because it's long distance and you're not around her that often.
 
I don't want to end things with her. I know it is probably over. I get that, but I am in a depression. Is there any response I can give that is not desperate, shows I care, I want her back and that i am willing to do whatever that takes?
Nope. I'm afraid that's something that pretty much everyone in this thread can agree upon. Listen, I can't tell you that something like that has never happened in the history of relationships. But what I can tell you, and what the experience of everyone else in this thread can tell you, is that as a matter of probability trying that is far, far more likely to just make this breakup worse for you and worse for her.

You have to accept the fact that she has made a decision. And that's her right. You can't respect her right to make that decision while simultaneously trying to change her mind. You'll inevitably violate the boundaries she's tried to set. And when that happens, the best thing that happens is that she gives you the same type of break-up talk and rips the band-aid off again. More likely, she gives you a break-up talk that is considerably less kind and considerate of your feelings and you end up feeling even worse. And in the worst-case scenario. you repeat that cycle over and over again because a part of you that maybe you don't even recognize responds to the heartbreak because it's one of the only emotions that can match the intensity of being in love. But that's no way forward. So believe us when we all tell you unanimously that you have to accept that it's over.

You do have options in how you frame the narrative of the failed relationship to yourself. You could consider her the perfect blameless angel who you let get away because you messed up and probably never deserved her in the first place. I don't recommend that. It's not good for you, and it's almost certainly not true.

You can consider her a terrible witch who carelessly ripped your heart in two and wish you'd never met her. That's also probably not true, but if that's how you need to feel in order to process the end of this relationship I think you should grant yourself the license to be a little selfish and uncharitable so long as it doesn't lead to you trying to get even or something and stays in your head.

The third option, if you can pull it off, is to accept that the relationship just didn't work out and that both of you contributed to that and yet neither of you is at fault for that. Maybe the distance was too much. Maybe you were too inexperienced and scared to make her feel loved like she needed to. Maybe she was too insecure to accept your love as genuine because she believed that you were more in love with finally being in a relationship than being with her. All of those things or none of those things can be true. None of them make either of you a bad person. It just made you wrong for each other at this particular time. There is value in learning that you are capable of loving someone. And there is value in knowing that as bad as heartbreak can feel, you can live through it and come out the other side better equipped to risk being that vulnerable again because you know that you can survive disappointment.

I think that extending both of you this grace is the best way to move forward and heal, but that's just my opinion and I see the other side. There's a thin line between extending her grace and deluding yourself into thinking that you can be gracious enough to win her back. And again, while I can't tell you that has never happened in the history of relationships, the chances are minuscule and any expectation of that will probably keep you from moving forward. So if you can't acknowledge and thank her for her concern without also expecting and needing something more, then certainly don't respond in that way.

I say all of this with the caveat that it's true that we are all just randos on a message board and extremely likely to be full of **** and I encourage you to heed the advice to talk to a professional to help you process this stuff.
 

Dezbelief

Footballguy
More likely, she gives you a break-up talk that is considerably less kind and considerate of your feelings and you end up feeling even worse.
This right here, if you do get back together each breakup gets worse, exponentially so. Eventually there will be a break so bad there is no going back. Move on, full radio silence.
 

Zow

Footballguy
Is there any path back for us?.

She said she needed to figure out what she wanted and couldn't be in a relationship.

That is probably the end for me. I g
get it. I just have so many regrets. I want to try if there is a way
The responses you've received the last 12 hours have all been good. To summarize, there's no magical playbook here and, as has been stated dozens of times now for several valid reasons, the best approach to her now is radio silence and short, cordial responses (don't initiate).

FWIW, I do totally understand where you're coming from. I really do. Assuming you haven't responded to her text (please advise if you have), I know how much it's killing you to not speak with her and pour your heart out and hopefully that works. I felt the exact same way and it's what we have all seen in movies so we think it'll work. But, that's not reality.

In an effort to further explain, I'll give another embarrassing anecdote from my bad breakup to help explain potential outcomes and where, in the future, you will have regret (because it's not where you think). FWIW, this is probably buried in some thread on here because the way I dealt with this breakup was to use this board as my personal diary and to let out all those sappy feelings. Honestly, when I give younger me some credit, and in contrast to how badly I looked on this board (along with some sad nights before bed where I'd play dashboard confessional alone in my apartment), is that - consistent with advice you're getting on here - I didn't let the breakup disrupt my daily life. I was in law school at the time and I kept my grades from slipping, I still excelled at my student attorney job, and I made sure that I continued to play sports and workout daily. Put differently, I channeled the pain of the breakup that I was feeling (and let myself feel for far to long), to different compartments and didn't let it affect my overall life direction.

The above notwithstanding, I distinctly recall getting a text comparable to the one you did several months after the breakup This was after probably after at least two months of no contact - or, at the very least, none initiated by her. I can vividly recall being at a local bar with my roommates in a city I was working at for the summer. I had met a girl there that night that was, to my luck, very into me. I was talking to her when I received the text. Instead of focusing on this girl, I of course went and found a corner and responded to my ex's text. Her initial text was very similar to the one you got. I don't recall what I said, but it was probably along the lines of that I was doing fine but missed her and hoped she was well. Well, she was just having an off night and told me she missed me too (which, of course, was exactly what I wanted to hear so at this point I'd stupidly do anything she said). She asks if we could talk. Stupid me of course says sure, tells her I'm out, but that I'll walk home shortly. I go tell my friends/roommates and this girl that I'm heading back. The girl is clearly disappointed but tells me to make sure I stay up a bit late as she may come back to my place with my roommates. I'm barely paying attention and blow her off with a nod or whatever.

So, here I am, on a perfect night out walking back to my summer place by myself. I get back and get on the phone with the ex. Again, she's just having a rough night but she's giving me hope so I say all the things about how great she is, I probably apologize for my fault in the relationship, etc. We're on for at least an hour. About 45 minutes or so through the call, my bedroom door opens and it's the girl from the bar. I'm either seated or laying on my bed and this angel takes her top off and proceeds to get down on her hands and knees with a big grin on her and begins to slowly crawl towards me - like something straight out of a porno. Do I embrace this wonderful opportunity? Of course not - I quickly tell the ex to hang on and relatively curtly tell this girl, whose literally on her hands and knees at this point, that I'm on the phone and she needs to leave. She loses her big grin quickly, looks confused, says something like "I thought you liked me" and leaves nearly in tears. Thinking little of what just occurred, I re-focus on the call (thinking I'm some hero as I explained to the ex that I just turned down a girl to talk to her) and we finish our call. After the call I go out into the living room/front yard area to see who was still at the house. I see my roommates who ask me what happened as the girl left and told them I'm an idiot. I explain what happened and they look at me like I'm from Mars. I go to bed alone.

So, years later, in looking back and discussing this embarrassing moment with you in the context of regret, I can barely recall what I said on the phone last night. I'm sure it was all the nice things I wanted to say. But do you know what I regret? I regret that now obviously inevitable text the ex sent me the next morning thanking me for talking to her and making her feel better but that I shouldn't read anything into it and wishing me well (breaking my heart all over again). And, now as a happily married man but in a monogamous relationship where I don't have girls crawling on her hands and knees towards me and likely never will again, I most certainly regret not immediately hanging up that phone and exploring everything that barfly was willing to allow me to. That's what I regret.

ETA: My point is that, many years later, I don't regret the actions I took or what I said to try to save a relationship that, while important in my life and gave me lots of joy to go with the later sorrow, wasn't perfect. I do regret though that I let focusing on it disrupt me living my life.

Second eta/tl;dr - While it seems like talking to her on the phone now is everything you want, it shouldn't override you living your life and likely won't get you where you want to go and may cost you some porn-level sechs.
 
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Soootch

Footballguy
Text her back saying you had an amazing time over the weekend, you’ve never made love to a woman that many times in two days, you’re still sore, include a lot of really graphic details, and you can’t wait to do it again. Then a second text, “My bad, that was for someone else”.
 

Slumpbusters

Footballguy
@Spiderman -

Keep it short and simple, polite. I think someone above said - "doing well, thanks for thinking of me - hope you are too" and leave it at that. Informal, easy. Easy is key at the moment.

Its a good thing she's reached out to you, let it marinate. You are now playing a long game here.

I know at the moment it seems like shes the only girl in the world, but trust me, she's not. There are others out there for you. This whole thing became a problem because you got overcomplicated and in your head. The only way to fix that is to step away, get right, and then let things play out the way they were meant to be.

Cheers,

Turk
 

STEADYMOBBIN 22

Footballguy
@Spiderman -

Keep it short and simple, polite. I think someone above said - "doing well, thanks for thinking of me - hope you are too" and leave it at that. Informal, easy. Easy is key at the moment.

Its a good thing she's reached out to you, let it marinate. You are now playing a long game here.

I know at the moment it seems like shes the only girl in the world, but trust me, she's not. There are others out there for you. This whole thing became a problem because you got overcomplicated and in your head. The only way to fix that is to step away, get right, and then let things play out the way they were meant to be.

Cheers,

Turk
Username checks out
 

Nathan R. Jessep

Footballguy
I love her. I messed up, she is not moving on , I don't think, but needs to figure things out.

Is there anyway to make things right?

Small steps. I love her. I realize it's likely over, and she reached out because she does care for me.

Im a mess

THIS is the thing you need to consider the most. NOTHING you can say or do will figure things out for her. She has to do that for herself, JUST LIKE YOU DO.
And it's super cliche, but also true, if you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, it was meant for you. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for another person is let them go figure themselves out.

And of course she cares about you. That's not the point. The point is that she made the CHOICE that you weren't important enough to fight for at this point in time. That could be for any of a million reasons which she may or may not be fully disclosing to you. In the end, none of the reasons really matter. All that matters is the choice she made. Let her make it and figure out on her own if she made the right one or not.

In the mean time, YOU figure out why you made the choices you made along the way that helped lead you to this point. That's super important also. I'm an old softie, so I believe in the old school love stories, but you have to not romanticize things quite so much here. Take a step back and acknowledge that BOTH of you are imperfect people with much room for growth. You'll figure it out. The pain will ease with time and you'll have more clarity. There's nothing wrong with some brief contact with her, but you'll probably both soon realize that it is counter-productive to the personal growth that needs to happen for both of you. Absence will either make the heart grow fonder or it will confirm that the right choice was made.

I wish you the best and I'm rooting for you, GB. Feel free to DM me if you need an ear.
 

SWC

Bromigo
sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is to take them to an old castle on a japanese coast have a big festival put on ole pete cetera glory of love and then beat the ever living crap out of the bad guy using the drum technique trust me that is the most powerful sign of love known to man and it is simply referred to as the cetera take that to the bank bromigo
 

Zow

Footballguy
sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is to take them to an old castle on a japanese coast have a big festival put on ole pete cetera glory of love and then beat the ever living crap out of the bad guy using the drum technique trust me that is the most powerful sign of love known to man and it is simply referred to as the cetera take that to the bank bromigo
Honestly, I would feel super loved if somebody just took me to the bank and let me have at their accounts. :shrug:
 

SWC

Bromigo
sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is to take them to an old castle on a japanese coast have a big festival put on ole pete cetera glory of love and then beat the ever living crap out of the bad guy using the drum technique trust me that is the most powerful sign of love known to man and it is simply referred to as the cetera take that to the bank bromigo
Honestly, I would feel super loved if somebody just took me to the bank and let me have at their accounts. :shrug:
then you will die alone brohan take that to the bank
 

DocHolliday

Footballguy
sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is to take them to an old castle on a japanese coast have a big festival put on ole pete cetera glory of love and then beat the ever living crap out of the bad guy using the drum technique trust me that is the most powerful sign of love known to man and it is simply referred to as the cetera take that to the bank bromigo
Happy to see SWC posts.
 

Sullie

Footballguy
@Spiderman -

Keep it short and simple, polite. I think someone above said - "doing well, thanks for thinking of me - hope you are too" and leave it at that. Informal, easy. Easy is key at the moment.

Its a good thing she's reached out to you, let it marinate. You are now playing a long game here.

I know at the moment it seems like shes the only girl in the world, but trust me, she's not. There are others out there for you. This whole thing became a problem because you got overcomplicated and in your head. The only way to fix that is to step away, get right, and then let things play out the way they were meant to be.

Cheers,

Turk

I think this would have been perfect. "Doing great, thanks for checking in. I hope you're doing well too." Then I would shut the phone off for 24-48 hours. . . seriously.
 

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