Educational influences on kids - Issue with Spouse (1 Viewer)

[shadyridr]

You sound like a much better parent than your wife. You should leave her now and get full custody.

you happy now?

 

[Eddie99er]

Instead my wife will lay on the couch and tell him to play by himself. Or she will text with friends. Is no one with me on this? You'd be okay if your wife was texting friends throughout the day instead of doing something educational (at least once in a while) with your kids?

You want total strangers that have never met your wife to reaffirm your idea that your wife is a bad parent? How can anyone here know this? Its just a likely you're an obsessive helicopter parent. Again, how can anyone here know this based on a few paragraphs that you wrote?

No! Not at all. I don't want strangers to affirm my wife is a bad parent. Not what I was looking for at all. How would that help my situation?

I was looking for suggestions. I was looking for someone who maybe went through something similar and can tell me what they tried. I was looking for ideas since what I have tried hasn't worked.

 

[shadyridr]

Not sure if it's been mentioned yet. Have you tried the Memory game? I think your son might like that one.

Or what about asking him if he can read the #s on addresses?

 

[bigbottom]

See if there is a Kumon location in your area.

www.kumon.com

Bump. Unless the thread is just for venting about your wife. The FFA is a good place to vent actually.

 

[Eddie99er]

Eddie, let's say you die tomorrow and your wife raises your kids by herself and continues to raise them the way she currently does. In that scenario, what is your prediction of your kids' lives in 30 years?

Hard to say. I just know that the more "good" in a kids life the better. The more "bad" they see or are exposed to the worse. So if they see someone who literally never suggests Memory or a puzzle, someone who literally never moves onto a 4 yr old book for a 4 yr old, someone who lays down a lot and is lazy, someone who never asks about a number, a letter, a shape, or anything, someone who is completely 100% hands off when it comes to educational things, then who knows? Certainly possible that in 30 yrs they would lack drive, lack motivation, and be lazy. If you are exposed to that, you probably have an increased chance of becoming that is my guess. Like those old commercials wherein the parent asks the kid about why he is doing drugs. "I learned it from watching you, dad." Kids pick up on what is around them, imo.

You keep calling her lazy. What is it you do around the house again? I mean other than reading and playing games. I mean if you are doing the wash, packing lunches and making dinner my apologies. But it sounds like you have an adult trapped all day with little kids then you come home from the office and pass judgement.

You don't have to get on me. You can just ask. What is it I do around the house? I guess you are getting at what sort of non-job/non-office things do I do once I am home? Getting at whether I get to just play, read, and have fun. To answer (in no particular order): I cook meals for them, I cook meals for us, I do lawn/yard work, I fix whatever needs fixing (issue with boiler last night), I change diapers, I bathe the kids, I clean up after the kids, I bring them places (brought my older one to nursery school this morning so the wife could meet up with a friend at that time), I play with them, I read to them, I get them ready for bed, I change them, etc. I absolutely do not play the "my job was at the office, so I'm done for the day" card when I get home. Now I am not saying I do all that 100% of the time. I clean up after the kids, but so does my wife. I bring them to school, but my wife does more often. I am not suggesting I am the only one that does those things. But yes, I do them a lot. So no, I don't avoid giving them a bath, I will do that. But I don't do it 100% of the time. It's that simple. If I am with my younger one when he poops, I just go and change his diaper. If my wife is with the younger one when he poops, she goes and changes the diaper. Hope that clears up what you were getting at.

 

[Ned Ryerson]

My wife is home with a 5 yr old and a 2 year old. There are times when she has to leave for the day, and watching them both is exhausting. Sometimes my older son will pick up a 2 year old book and ask me to read it to him, and I do. I'm not sure what the harm is. You are treating your wife like she is a bad parent, when she is not.

Your son is 4, not 14. Lighten up Francis.

 

[Eddie99er]

See if there is a Kumon location in your area.

www.kumon.com

Thanks. A real suggestion. I appreciate it.

I will look into it in more detail when I have a chance. It seems on the website to be about reading and math. He is 4, so he isn't really up to either yet. Are they geared toward 5/6 and up? Or do they also have stuff directed towards 4 yr olds?

Seems disappointing to me that I'd have to bring him to strangers and pay them (presumably) to get my kids exposed to educational things. But if I have to, I may.

Another question for you, in case you have experience with this place. It indicates that after an evaluation is done, they will give the kid daily assignments. This is one of those things I fear. I can easily picture my wife not asking him to do his stuff. So do they make it fun? Or does it have an annoying feel to it?

And thanks again. I will definitely look into it more.

 

[bigbottom]

See if there is a Kumon location in your area.

www.kumon.com

Thanks. A real suggestion. I appreciate it.

I will look into it in more detail when I have a chance. It seems on the website to be about reading and math. He is 4, so he isn't really up to either yet. Are they geared toward 5/6 and up? Or do they also have stuff directed towards 4 yr olds?

Seems disappointing to me that I'd have to bring him to strangers and pay them (presumably) to get my kids exposed to educational things. But if I have to, I may.

Another question for you, in case you have experience with this place. It indicates that after an evaluation is done, they will give the kid daily assignments. This is one of those things I fear. I can easily picture my wife not asking him to do his stuff. So do they make it fun? Or does it have an annoying feel to it?

And thanks again. I will definitely look into it more.

The reading program starts at the pre-school level. A one-hour class twice a week, and daily homework (fairly fun stuff for kids that age) for the other days. It will provide some structure for having a daily educational component in the house.

 

[Pick]

So are people saying reading a 2 yr old level book to a 4 yr old is totally fine, EVEN if it is as easy as saying, "Oh my, what's this? This looks like a brand new big boy book" and he is totally cool with going with it?

Again if I tried that and he insisted on the 2 yr old book, different problem then.

But sometimes it is that easy.

Do you know how easy it is if the 1 yr old is napping to say to my 4 yr old, "Want to play Memory?" And he is immediately excited.

So again, if he was opposed to Memory or a puzzle or anything with a educational influence, then sure maybe I have to let him be him. But this is not that situation at all. When I ask about Memory, he gets excited. And since sitting at the kitchen table playing Memory with a 4 yr old is extremely easy, why not do it?

Instead my wife will lay on the couch and tell him to play by himself. Or she will text with friends.

Is no one with me on this? You'd be okay if your wife was texting friends throughout the day instead of doing something educational (at least once in a while) with your kids?

Reading a lower level book isn't the end of the world, but it's something to keep an eye on.

The second part is new info. There is a big difference between wife just doing something different than you would do with the kids and not doing anything at all with the kids.

 

[DCThunder]

My suggestion is that you and your wife need to have some joint counselling for a bigger issue than how to educate your kids. The fact that you think your wife is lazy is evidence of that. The fact that you are resentful to a suggestion regarding downloading the educational aps for your wife, if they are so important to you, is a minor point, but very evidentiary. If you aren't careful, you'll be getting a divorce and with your wife getting custody and they'll end up a drug addled skateboarders.

Failing to do that, you do need to talk to some educational professional, with your wife along, about how you can provide a more "educational" environment for them.

Or, just put them in boarding school Hogwarts might be the place.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

See if there is a Kumon location in your area.

www.kumon.com

Bump. Unless the thread is just for venting about your wife. The FFA is a good place to vent actually.

His kids are 4 and 2? Do they really need a private tutor?

 

[comfortably numb]

I'm sure it is not your intent, but this thread just screams of "i am such a better parent then my wife"

People are different.

You can't expect people to be something they are not.

She obviously isn't on the same level in this case with you.

If she is going to have a tough time taking the initiative that you have, do thing to make it easier for her.

-Download the apps for her.

-get rid of books you don't want your kid reading

-Make games for your wife and kid to play while you are at work that will require you to participate when you get home.

 

[comfortably numb]

Christ I suck as a parent.

I let me kids play alone and watch TV too much.

 

[bigbottom]

See if there is a Kumon location in your area.

www.kumon.com

Bump. Unless the thread is just for venting about your wife. The FFA is a good place to vent actually.

His kids are 4 and 2? Do they really need a private tutor?

Of course not. But if the OP's goal is to have more educational structure in his four-year-old's life, this is one way to do it.

 

[Black Box]

Clearly this bothers you. Have you tried approaching the subject on a high level basis rather than on a details basis? What I mean is, have you had discussions with your wife about the importance of early education? Or is it just "do more apps" or "read bigger books" or "play the number game" type "discussions"?

Because it sounds like you two are just not on a same page on this issue.

Thank you, Black Box. I appreciate that you made a suggestion. This is honestly exactly what I was looking for. Ideas. Suggestions.

To answer your question, yes, we have discussed it. And my wife says she agrees on importance of early education. I think the problem (admittedly doing some speculation here) for my wife is, she doesn't see why it has to be done now. It can just as easily be done tomorrow. He'll still be 4. He still be a ways off from 5 or 10 or 15 or whatever. But then the next day, she doesn't get around to it either. Eventually the days becomes weeks, weeks turn into months, and so on.

So yes, she claims she understands the importance of doing things early on. But then she rarely ever gets around to doing them. No idea why there is that disconnect there. How can you claim you get the importance, but then not do something about it?

Well, first, she is a woman. Listen to what she does, not what she says. So I don't think she is on the same page as you are on this issue.

I would stop speculating on the reason she doesn't follow through, and ask her about it. Then just shut up and listen. Then you can figure out what you need to do to get on the same page.

 

[Eddie99er]

I understand that as with many threads in the FFA, there is always a degree of "let's jump on him." I don't get why, but I see it happens. There are times when I think people disagree, just for the sake of disagreeing. And not because they took the time to come to the conclusion that they really disagree. Let's try this a different way. I am going to list things in a particular order. I would love to hear from those disagreeing with me where they have an issue in this list (if at all).1. Okay to let your kids watch tv a few days a week. Yes or no?2. Okay to let your kids watch tv everyday. Yes or no?3. Okay to let your kids watch tv everyday. And then if they ask for more when the show is over, to allow that once in a while. Yes or no?4. Allow a 2nd show (back to back) more than once in a while.5. Allow a 2nd show (back to back) everytime they ask.6. Allow a 2nd show first thing in the morning everytime they ask, even if it comes at the expense of anything educational.7. Allow them to watch 4 hours of tv a day and require nothing educational. No reading. No puzzles. No educational games. No working on letters or anything at all.8. Allow them to watch 8 hours of tv a day and everything else in #7. This is a made up example. Watching unlimited tv is not an issue in my house. But from those that like to pile on, I want to see if there is no point at which you agree. I am not saying my wife can't lay down once in a while. I am not saying my wife can't text her friends. I am not saying any of that. Are you saying though that she can lay down and text her friends as much as she wants, even if it means there has been zero educational influence from her onto the kids in weeks (not hours, not days, but rather weeks since she pulled out a puzzle or played an alphabet game or whatever)? I understand some people like to pile on. I don't know why. But I get that that happens. But to those that have disagreed with me, have I made no legitimate points at all? Honestly? Not a single one?

 

[trogg78]

Uh oh! Someone has control issues.

 

[jamny]

Did your wife really want kids or did she just have him because it's what people do?

 

[Eddie99er]

Uh oh! Someone has control issues.

Hi Trogg. You mind if I ask you a question? Being serious here.

If you've followed along throughout this thread, then you get the gist of what I am getting at. My question to you would be: how would you seek suggestions or helpful advice from others that may have been down that road before, without looking like you have control issues.

I am honestly asking because I do not know. I thought I painted the picture (so everyone would understand where I am coming from). And I did that in hopes of getting some suggestions. But for every 1 suggestion I have received, there are probably 10 posts telling me I have control issues, or telling me I have bigger issues with my wife, or someone being condescending in one of several ways.

So isn't it actually possibly that I don't have control issues? Isn't it possible I don't have bigger issues with my wife? Isn't it possible that I am simply looking for what I asked about (and not some other hidden thing)? In which case, what would you do (that I obviously did not do) if you were truly sincerely looking for helpful suggestions?

 

[Dr. Gobbler]

ABCmouse.com (pre-school and Kindergarten lessons without having to spend 13K a year on preschool and Kindergarten)

$70/yr

Scribblenauts app (teaches spelling and logic) .99c

Father of a just turned 4 year old daughter who can read, write, do addition and subtraction and was just accepted to a gifted school for next year.

My formula: 70% interaction 30% computer, tablets, apps.

You handle the 70, have your wife handle the 30.

 

[shadyridr]

Uh oh! Someone has control issues.

Hi Trogg. You mind if I ask you a question? Being serious here.

If you've followed along throughout this thread, then you get the gist of what I am getting at. My question to you would be: how would you seek suggestions or helpful advice from others that may have been down that road before, without looking like you have control issues.

I am honestly asking because I do not know. I thought I painted the picture (so everyone would understand where I am coming from). And I did that in hopes of getting some suggestions. But for every 1 suggestion I have received, there are probably 10 posts telling me I have control issues, or telling me I have bigger issues with my wife, or someone being condescending in one of several ways.

So what would you do (that I obviously did not do) if you were truly sincerely looking for helpful suggestions?

Why are you ignoring that advice just cuz you dont like it? I seriously think you have control issues and need to get counseling with your wife.

 

[trogg78]

Uh oh! Someone has control issues.

Hi Trogg. You mind if I ask you a question? Being serious here. If you've followed along throughout this thread, then you get the gist of what I am getting at. My question to you would be: how would you seek suggestions or helpful advice from others that may have been down that road before, without looking like you have control issues. I am honestly asking because I do not know. I thought I painted the picture (so everyone would understand where I am coming from). And I did that in hopes of getting some suggestions. But for every 1 suggestion I have received, there are probably 10 posts telling me I have control issues, or telling me I have bigger issues with my wife, or someone being condescending in one of several ways. So what would you do (that I obviously did not do) if you were truly sincerely looking for helpful suggestions?

You should probably see a therapist to figure out why you feel such a need to control your wife's activities during her day.

 

[Eddie99er]

ABCmouse.com (pre-school and Kindergarten lessons without having to spend 13K a year on preschool and Kindergarten)$70/yrScribblenauts app (teaches spelling and logic) .99cFather of a just turned 4 year old daughter who can read, write, do addition and subtraction and was just accepted to a gifted school for next year.My formula: 70% interaction 30% computer, tablets, apps.You handle the 70, have your wife handle the 30.

Thanks, Gobbler. I really appreciate this. Never heard of scribblenauts before. Will definitely look into this.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

See if there is a Kumon location in your area.

www.kumon.com

Bump. Unless the thread is just for venting about your wife. The FFA is a good place to vent actually.

His kids are 4 and 2? Do they really need a private tutor?

Of course not. But if the OP's goal is to have more educational structure in his four-year-old's life, this is one way to do it.

Of course it is pretty much unnecessary.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

ABCmouse.com (pre-school and Kindergarten lessons without having to spend 13K a year on preschool and Kindergarten)$70/yrScribblenauts app (teaches spelling and logic) .99cFather of a just turned 4 year old daughter who can read, write, do addition and subtraction and was just accepted to a gifted school for next year.My formula: 70% interaction 30% computer, tablets, apps.You handle the 70, have your wife handle the 30.

Of course if a child is gifted it has nothing to do with reading to her or pre-pre-school or some website.

 

[bigbottom]

But for every 1 suggestion I have received, there are probably 10 posts telling me I have control issues, or telling me I have bigger issues with my wife, or someone being condescending in one of several ways.

In which case, what would you do (that I obviously did not do) if you were truly sincerely looking for helpful suggestions?

I won't pretend to speak for Trogg, but I'd consider the following:

1) Be open to the fact that opposing or critical viewpoints may be helpful in giving some perspective. So perhaps not helpful in the precise manner you intend, but helpful nonetheless.

2) Ignore the posts that are truly unhelpful, rather than wasting your time and energy bickering over them.

 

[TxBuckeye]

I am honestly asking because I do not know. I thought I painted the picture (so everyone would understand where I am coming from). And I did that in hopes of getting some suggestions. But for every 1 suggestion I have received, there are probably 10 posts telling me I have control issues, or telling me I have bigger issues with my wife, or someone being condescending in one of several ways.

You were well on your way with your first post. But it didn't take long before you started throwing around the lazy word. Then "she sits on the couch texting all day." Your point quickly went from "How do I get her on board" to "Man, she is a lazy sloth." Once that happened, well, you began to reap the rewards of the point you were apparently trying to get across.

 

[Eddie99er]

Uh oh! Someone has control issues.

Hi Trogg. You mind if I ask you a question? Being serious here.

If you've followed along throughout this thread, then you get the gist of what I am getting at. My question to you would be: how would you seek suggestions or helpful advice from others that may have been down that road before, without looking like you have control issues.

I am honestly asking because I do not know. I thought I painted the picture (so everyone would understand where I am coming from). And I did that in hopes of getting some suggestions. But for every 1 suggestion I have received, there are probably 10 posts telling me I have control issues, or telling me I have bigger issues with my wife, or someone being condescending in one of several ways.

So what would you do (that I obviously did not do) if you were truly sincerely looking for helpful suggestions?

Why are you ignoring that advice just cuz you dont like it? I seriously think you have control issues and need to get counseling with your wife.

That's absolutely okay that you feel that way.

My honest sincere question is simply: what if I don't have control issues? How could I have asked what I asked, without making this about something else?

I can get into a million explanations of things to absolutely prove I do not have control issues. But that is not the point of this thread. It isn't to defend myself, but rather to find suggestions.

What if I look the other way when she asks me to take him to nursery school so she can hang with a friend? Not controlling.

What if I look past the nuked meatballs and nuggets even though it is not how I would do it? Not controlling.

But what if I legitimately just have a fear of my kids being hurt by the fact that they have a hands off mother when it comes to educational matters?

You can pile on if you want. You can say, "See you have control issues." Or you can help the cause and actually answer them in a sincere way. Your call. I know what I'd prefer to see. But I also know which you are probably more likely to do.

 

[DCThunder]

But for every 1 suggestion I have received, there are probably 10 posts telling me I have control issues, or telling me I have bigger issues with my wife, or someone being condescending in one of several ways.

In which case, what would you do (that I obviously did not do) if you were truly sincerely looking for helpful suggestions?

I won't pretend to speak for Trogg, but I'd consider the following:

1) Be open to the fact that opposing or critical viewpoints may be helpful in giving some perspective. So perhaps not helpful in the precise manner you intend, but helpful nonetheless.

2) Ignore the posts that are truly unhelpful, rather than wasting your time and energy bickering over them.

And also consider that some of us may have had couples counseling or individual therapy and can recognize behaviours that you can't because you are too close to the situation.

 

[Eddie99er]

But for every 1 suggestion I have received, there are probably 10 posts telling me I have control issues, or telling me I have bigger issues with my wife, or someone being condescending in one of several ways.

In which case, what would you do (that I obviously did not do) if you were truly sincerely looking for helpful suggestions?

I won't pretend to speak for Trogg, but I'd consider the following:

1) Be open to the fact that opposing or critical viewpoints may be helpful in giving some perspective. So perhaps not helpful in the precise manner you intend, but helpful nonetheless.

2) Ignore the posts that are truly unhelpful, rather than wasting your time and energy bickering over them.

Thanks, BB. Probably the best post yet (outside of suggestions regarding the wife).

I genuinely appreciate this post. You are 100% right. Sometimes I may get caught up in others' viewpoints being opposing or critical, not because I can't take criticism, but rather I take issue with them because they often have a very condescending undertone. And I don't get why people like doing that.

But with #2 you are right there as well. If it is truly unhelpful, I should get better at ignoring it.

 

[TxBuckeye]

I genuinely appreciate this post. You are 100% right. Sometimes I may get caught up in others' viewpoints being opposing or critical, not because I can't take criticism, but rather I take issue with them because they often have a very condescending undertone. And I don't get why people like doing that.

But with #2 you are right there as well. If it is truly unhelpful, I should get better at ignoring it.

• Joined Yesterday, 09:48 PM

I just noticed this. Honestly, it explains a lot. Because believe me when I say, you think people are piling on, but you haven't even begun to scratch the surface of what the FFA is really like.

 

[Eddie99er]

I am honestly asking because I do not know. I thought I painted the picture (so everyone would understand where I am coming from). And I did that in hopes of getting some suggestions. But for every 1 suggestion I have received, there are probably 10 posts telling me I have control issues, or telling me I have bigger issues with my wife, or someone being condescending in one of several ways.

You were well on your way with your first post. But it didn't take long before you started throwing around the lazy word. Then "she sits on the couch texting all day." Your point quickly went from "How do I get her on board" to "Man, she is a lazy sloth." Once that happened, well, you began to reap the rewards of the point you were apparently trying to get across.

I see what you are saying. But how else do I reply to people's questions? If laziness is at the heart of it, why is that such a bad thing to admit if I am opening myself up to constructive suggestions?

It's not like "lazy" is a horrible word that should not be uttered in the FFA.

Some were asking legitimate questions. And to answer them, it required admitting that my wife is lazy about things.

What should I say if someone wants to know what my wife is doing when she plays a 2nd tv show for them? I completely get where they are coming from. They want to know if she is letting my child watch two in a row because she is busy cooking breakfast, or cleaning the house, or doing something else productive. What if she is literally just laying down despite having just slept for 9 hours? I can't answer that honestly?

 

[trogg78]

Uh oh! Someone has control issues.

Hi Trogg. You mind if I ask you a question? Being serious here. If you've followed along throughout this thread, then you get the gist of what I am getting at. My question to you would be: how would you seek suggestions or helpful advice from others that may have been down that road before, without looking like you have control issues. I am honestly asking because I do not know. I thought I painted the picture (so everyone would understand where I am coming from). And I did that in hopes of getting some suggestions. But for every 1 suggestion I have received, there are probably 10 posts telling me I have control issues, or telling me I have bigger issues with my wife, or someone being condescending in one of several ways. So what would you do (that I obviously did not do) if you were truly sincerely looking for helpful suggestions?

Why are you ignoring that advice just cuz you dont like it? I seriously think you have control issues and need to get counseling with your wife.

That's absolutely okay that you feel that way. My honest sincere question is simply: what if I don't have control issues? How could I have asked what I asked, without making this about something else? I can get into a million explanations of things to absolutely prove I do not have control issues. But that is not the point of this thread. It isn't to defend myself, but rather to find suggestions. What if I look the other way when she asks me to take him to nursery school so she can hang with a friend? Not controlling.What if I look past the nuked meatballs and nuggets even though it is not how I would do it? Not controlling.But what if I legitimately just have a fear of my kids being hurt by the fact that they have a hands off mother when it comes to educational matters? You can pile on if you want. You can say, "See you have control issues." Or you can help the cause and actually answer them in a sincere way. Your call. I know what I'd prefer to see. But I also know which you are probably more likely to do.

You honestly believe there is some way to put words together to get what you want. And it irritates the hell out of you that you can't do it. Pretty sure that's what a control freak is.

 

[jamny]

Did your wife really want kids or did she just have him because it's what people do?

I ask this because maybe she's just not into parenting and you'll either have to accept this or get yourselves to counselling to address this. In your thread title you write "issues with spouse". There are only so many options you have here.

 

[Eddie99er]

I genuinely appreciate this post. You are 100% right. Sometimes I may get caught up in others' viewpoints being opposing or critical, not because I can't take criticism, but rather I take issue with them because they often have a very condescending undertone. And I don't get why people like doing that.

But with #2 you are right there as well. If it is truly unhelpful, I should get better at ignoring it.

• Joined Yesterday, 09:48 PM

I just noticed this. Honestly, it explains a lot. Because believe me when I say, you think people are piling on, but you haven't even begun to scratch the surface of what the FFA is really like.

100% incorrect.

I am a regular here. I wanted an alias for this thread.

Believe me you haven't even begun to scratch the surface of what the FFA is really like if you were unaware of people creating aliases (either to mess with people, or to have a different shtick, or to simply pose a question or story that they want help with, but would rather not have everyone know who they are).

 

[TxBuckeye]

What should I say if someone wants to know what my wife is doing when she plays a 2nd tv show for them? I completely get where they are coming from. They want to know if she is letting my child watch two in a row because she is busy cooking breakfast, or cleaning the house, or doing something else productive. What if she is literally just laying down despite having just slept for 9 hours? I can't answer that honestly?

You can. But you shouldn't be surprised when it distracts from the issue you intially posted about. It was a shift in tone from your original post, in which you never mentioned the laziness at all. It just sounded as if she didn't feel the educational stuff was as important to her as it was to you. That is an issue. Then you suddenly shifted gears from it isn't important to her, to she is just to damn lazy to do it. One sounds sort of minor, the other sounds like a mjor issue. Therefore, the emphasis of the replies went from the issue at hand, to your feelings about your wife being lazy. I knew from the moment I read that post EXACTLY what was going to happen. You seem surprised by it, but if you knew the FFA at all, you wouldn't have been.

 

[DCThunder]

How old are you and your wife? How long have you been married? How old were you when you got married? How long after you were married did you have the first child? Did your wife work outside the home for some period of time? Did you have to have any pre-marital counseling before the wedding?

You are getting advice and suggestions from many that you might want to consider counseling and you don't want to take it for whatever reason. That's not piling on, that's telling you something you don't want to hear and you rejecting it.

 

[shadyridr]

Uh oh! Someone has control issues.

Hi Trogg. You mind if I ask you a question? Being serious here. If you've followed along throughout this thread, then you get the gist of what I am getting at. My question to you would be: how would you seek suggestions or helpful advice from others that may have been down that road before, without looking like you have control issues. I am honestly asking because I do not know. I thought I painted the picture (so everyone would understand where I am coming from). And I did that in hopes of getting some suggestions. But for every 1 suggestion I have received, there are probably 10 posts telling me I have control issues, or telling me I have bigger issues with my wife, or someone being condescending in one of several ways. So what would you do (that I obviously did not do) if you were truly sincerely looking for helpful suggestions?

Why are you ignoring that advice just cuz you dont like it? I seriously think you have control issues and need to get counseling with your wife.

That's absolutely okay that you feel that way. My honest sincere question is simply: what if I don't have control issues? How could I have asked what I asked, without making this about something else? I can get into a million explanations of things to absolutely prove I do not have control issues. But that is not the point of this thread. It isn't to defend myself, but rather to find suggestions. What if I look the other way when she asks me to take him to nursery school so she can hang with a friend? Not controlling.What if I look past the nuked meatballs and nuggets even though it is not how I would do it? Not controlling.But what if I legitimately just have a fear of my kids being hurt by the fact that they have a hands off mother when it comes to educational matters? You can pile on if you want. You can say, "See you have control issues." Or you can help the cause and actually answer them in a sincere way. Your call. I know what I'd prefer to see. But I also know which you are probably more likely to do.

I did give you honest advice. You calling your wife lazy is a major issue and you should seek couples counseling to work out that issue

 

[TxBuckeye]

I am a regular here. I wanted an alias for this thread.

Believe me you haven't even begun to scratch the surface of what the FFA is really like if you were unaware of people creating aliases (either to mess with people, or to have a different shtick, or to simply pose a question or story that they want help with, but would rather not have everyone know who they are).

The fact you felt the need to create an alias to post about this pretty much tells me that the others are right then. Why would you feel the need to create an alias to discuss educational activities for your child? There is now no doubt in my mind whatsoever as to why the tone of your post so suddenly changed gears from "How to get my wife on board" to "my wife is a lazy slob." Congrats, nicely done with the fishing.

 

[Eddie99er]

Did your wife really want kids or did she just have him because it's what people do?

I ask this because maybe she's just not into parenting and you'll either have to accept this or get yourselves to counselling to address this. In your thread title you write "issues with spouse". There are only so many options you have here.

Sorry for not answering. It is a good question, but not at play here at all. She has always wanted kids. Always. And I do feel bad if I painted a horrible picture. No one hugs their kids more. No one kisses them more. No one runs over quicker if there is an accident or injury. She is beyond loving and lovable with them. She is sad if they are unhappy. She wants them to be happy and healthy. But when it comes to the educational stuff, she just isn't pressed in like she is with that other stuff I listed.

She claims she agrees with me. So it isn't like we are starting out on different ends of the spectrum. I just think she thinks she'll get around to it. But like I mentioned earlier, constantly saying you will do something later leads to passed time. Days to weeks, weeks to months.

 

[trogg78]

Doesn't the bible give advice regarding a disobedient wife?

 

[Eddie99er]

What should I say if someone wants to know what my wife is doing when she plays a 2nd tv show for them? I completely get where they are coming from. They want to know if she is letting my child watch two in a row because she is busy cooking breakfast, or cleaning the house, or doing something else productive. What if she is literally just laying down despite having just slept for 9 hours? I can't answer that honestly?

You can. But you shouldn't be surprised when it distracts from the issue you intially posted about. It was a shift in tone from your original post, in which you never mentioned the laziness at all. It just sounded as if she didn't feel the educational stuff was as important to her as it was to you. That is an issue. Then you suddenly shifted gears from it isn't important to her, to she is just to damn lazy to do it. One sounds sort of minor, the other sounds like a mjor issue. Therefore, the emphasis of the replies went from the issue at hand, to your feelings about your wife being lazy. I knew from the moment I read that post EXACTLY what was going to happen. You seem surprised by it, but if you knew the FFA at all, you wouldn't have been.

So I didn't create the best thread title I guess.

I do see what you are getting at regarding it sounding like it was one sort of issue, but maybe it was a bigger one. Certainly possible. Perhaps it is a combination of both. It is not as important to her (educational influences) as it is to me. But also some laziness mixed in.

 

[jonboltz]

Lots of jumping down on the OP going on in here. Frankly, I read the initial post and was surprised how long it took for someone to point out that his wife appeared to be lazy.

 

[Lutherman2112]

Don't underestimate the power of motor development to brain development. Physical activities where the child alternates between left and right side of the body, enhance connections between the left and right brain. think of activities like hop scotch, wheel barrow races, four square with alternating hands on each shot, dribbling a soccer ball while alternating feet, dribbling basketball between right and left hand, etc

The Library - go to your local library (without the kids), ask for for juvenile section librarian and get the 5 cent tour. First few times, let your kids get used to the environment, maybe check out a book or two. When my kids were younger, I let them check out two pre-k books, and one non fiction book. They could take as 4 of each kind to a reading table, then we went through all the books and they had to choose their favorites... ask library where they would like the non checked out books to go.

The non fiction books you want would be on the second or third grade reading level...make sure there are lots of pictures. You are looking for books with lots of pictures; one's that interest your children. For my son, he liked dinosaurs, planes, insects, spiders and such, my daughter like birds, mammals, flowers, and skyscapers. They would have a hard time understanding some of what i read them, but they loved flipping through the pictures while I read the captions. We returned to the library every couple of weeks, but then the more they liked it, the more often the go.

The library would be an excellent opportunity for your wife to have an outing with the kids. It kills an hour and a half to two hours (prep time and travel) during a day, easy. If the kids really like it, a trip to the library can serve as an excellent treat after running some errands in the morning, then they have books to leaf through when they get home. And they will certainly be asking Mom, what's this word?

At this stage, please don't get caught up in how much they read or don't read, etc. Make it a point to be seen reading, make it a point to say things like "I'm doing my math homework" when you balance the checkbook. Find an interesting point to bring up at dinner, something the kids might like. If they see you and their mom trying to expand your horizons, they will repeat the effort.

Finally, my wife simply isn't cut out for homework help. That's my job, and i do it well.

 

[Gr00vus]

when it comes to the educational stuff, she just isn't pressed in like she is with that other stuff I listed.

It's not as important to her as it is to you. Like all things in a relationship where people don't completely agree you're either going to have to figure out a way for her to come around to your way of thinking (good luck), work out a compromise or just accept it. I think you're being a tad overzealous with the stress on education, so I'm thinking there's some room for compromise here. See if you can get her to agree on some educational activity at a set time every day - half an hour, an hour tops. If you don't like the books she's choosing, replace those with books you do like and put the other ones away until your 1 year old is ready for them.

 

[Dr. Gobbler]

ABCmouse.com (pre-school and Kindergarten lessons without having to spend 13K a year on preschool and Kindergarten)$70/yrScribblenauts app (teaches spelling and logic) .99cFather of a just turned 4 year old daughter who can read, write, do addition and subtraction and was just accepted to a gifted school for next year.My formula: 70% interaction 30% computer, tablets, apps.You handle the 70, have your wife handle the 30.

Of course if a child is gifted it has nothing to do with reading to her or pre-pre-school or some website.

Well, if I didn't put the work in to teach this kid all of these things so she could be ahead of 99% of the curve where do you think she's going to learn it from? Elmo? The reason she's "gifted" is because we treat everything as a teaching moment and now her hunger for knowledge is voracious.

 

[Hooper31]

Copy your first post. Print it. Share it with your wife and have an honest conversation with her about your concerns. Otherwise, you're just looking to manipulate her into doing what you want. Don't be manipulative. Be honest.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

ABCmouse.com (pre-school and Kindergarten lessons without having to spend 13K a year on preschool and Kindergarten)$70/yrScribblenauts app (teaches spelling and logic) .99cFather of a just turned 4 year old daughter who can read, write, do addition and subtraction and was just accepted to a gifted school for next year.My formula: 70% interaction 30% computer, tablets, apps.You handle the 70, have your wife handle the 30.

Of course if a child is gifted it has nothing to do with reading to her or pre-pre-school or some website.

Well, if I didn't put the work in to teach this kid all of these things so she could be ahead of 99% of the curve where do you think she's going to learn it from? Elmo? The reason she's "gifted" is because we treat everything as a teaching moment and now her hunger for knowledge is voracious.

OK

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

Does knowing stuff make you happy? I struggle with that a lot. Sometimes I think people are so preoccupied with making their kids smart that they don't think about why they're doing it.

P.S. My kids are WAY smarter than any of your kids.

 

[Eddie99er]

Don't underestimate the power of motor development to brain development. Physical activities where the child alternates between left and right side of the body, enhance connections between the left and right brain. think of activities like hop scotch, wheel barrow races, four square with alternating hands on each shot, dribbling a soccer ball while alternating feet, dribbling basketball between right and left hand, etc The Library - go to your local library (without the kids), ask for for juvenile section librarian and get the 5 cent tour. First few times, let your kids get used to the environment, maybe check out a book or two. When my kids were younger, I let them check out two pre-k books, and one non fiction book. They could take as 4 of each kind to a reading table, then we went through all the books and they had to choose their favorites... ask library where they would like the non checked out books to go. The non fiction books you want would be on the second or third grade reading level...make sure there are lots of pictures. You are looking for books with lots of pictures; one's that interest your children. For my son, he liked dinosaurs, planes, insects, spiders and such, my daughter like birds, mammals, flowers, and skyscapers. They would have a hard time understanding some of what i read them, but they loved flipping through the pictures while I read the captions. We returned to the library every couple of weeks, but then the more they liked it, the more often the go. The library would be an excellent opportunity for your wife to have an outing with the kids. It kills an hour and a half to two hours (prep time and travel) during a day, easy. If the kids really like it, a trip to the library can serve as an excellent treat after running some errands in the morning, then they have books to leaf through when they get home. And they will certainly be asking Mom, what's this word? At this stage, please don't get caught up in how much they read or don't read, etc. Make it a point to be seen reading, make it a point to say things like "I'm doing my math homework" when you balance the checkbook. Find an interesting point to bring up at dinner, something the kids might like. If they see you and their mom trying to expand your horizons, they will repeat the effort. Finally, my wife simply isn't cut out for homework help. That's my job, and i do it well.

Thanks, L2112. Great post.

It actually made me recall something a bit odd. We used to live elswehere. When we first moved there, we knew very few people. Perhaps that is why my wife took my older son (who was much younger at the time) to the library back then for things like story-time.

Fast forward to the present. We are in another town now. A town we know we like and want to stay in. (Unlike the other wherein we knew it was not long-term.) Since we moved, she has not once gone to the library. Part of it could be it is harder with two kids, as opposed to back at our old place with just one. However, my older child is in nursery school for a handful of hours every weekday. Therefore, she could still take the younger one and it would just be handling one at a time. Weird how she has not done this once.

I am going to ask her about this. My guess (and I very well could be wrong) is that it will come down to how she knew we weren't staying in that town long, so she'd use her time doing things with our son (like the library) as opposed to trying to meet other people. Now we are in a town we like better with lots of great people, so she has put herself out there to meet people. She is great at it, very personable and outgoing. But maybe she is spending so much time with new friends (meeting up with them, scheduling playdates with their children, texting, talking with on the phone, etc) that it leaves less time for just going to the library. Again I could be wrong. But at the end of the day, she did go to the library with our older one when he was 1, but has not done that at all with our younger one.

Interesting.