Extended family funerals: do you attend from long distance no matter w (1 Viewer)

[McGarnicle]

I wouldn't personally go only b/c I really get nothing out of funerals. Any closure I need is not in that manner. Attending a funeral should a personal choice. The hell with what social norms say you should do.

Except it's not really about him. It's really about being there for the rest of the family. He won't get a do over.

I'm the exact the opposite of someone who needs someone to be there for me when going through a personal loss. Someone being there or calling me to wish their condolences has little affect on the feelings that I'm experiencing. Just let me grieve in peace. I never could understand who a funeral is really for. The immediate family holds the funeral so that other people can pay their respects. Other people come to support the immediate family.

Humans are social creatures; they form bonds throughout their lives with other humans. When a human dies, the humans who were close to that human feel emotions called grief and sadness. The funeral is to honor the life of the human who has passed and for those left behind to share their grief and show support to each other. Some humans do not feel emotions; they are called sociopaths. Such humans would be unlikely to travel any great distance merely to pay respects to another dead human if they are busy with work, household chores or if they have basketball tickets, for example. HTH

 

[McGarnicle]

You monster ®

 

[The_Man]

Read this

Always go to the Funeral.

Then read this.

My dad has indicated he'd like me there, but he's not pushing it or anything.

Then do the right thing.

 

[[icon]]

If she can't even count on her grandkids to come pay respects at her funeral, it would seem she's going to have a pretty pathetic showing...

 

[Lutherman2112]

I was on vacation in Florida when I received word my grandfather died. Called the airlines, gave them the details, and they changed my return flight ticket from Orlando to WV on a Saturday into a earlier flight on Wednesday from Orlando to Pittsburgh for the funeral.

Call the airlines directly and ask for help to make it to your grandmothers funeral. Airlines are pretty good about this. The call will be long, and they may have to get back to you. Make certain you know the funeral home name and phone number. Point out an obit if it's online, especially if your name is mentioned.

Oh, and go to the funeral.

 

[Juxtatarot]

So your wife is bent out of shape if you sleep on your friend's couch but missing your Grandma's funeral is no big deal?

 

[Zow]

So your wife is bent out of shape if you sleep on your friend's couch but missing your Grandma's funeral is no big deal?

Where did I indicate it wasn't a big deal?

 

[Juxtatarot]

So your wife is bent out of shape if you sleep on your friend's couch but missing your Grandma's funeral is no big deal?

Where did I indicate it wasn't a big deal?

I meant from your wife's perspective. I'm sorry for your loss. She's "on board with whatever you decide". However, it's unacceptable for you to sleep on your friend's coach.

Honestly, I guess I'm shocked that anyone would miss a grandparent's funeral unless there were extreme extenuating circumstances.

 

[McGarnicle]

So your wife is bent out of shape if you sleep on your friend's couch but missing your Grandma's funeral is no big deal?

Where did I indicate it wasn't a big deal?

I meant from your wife's perspective. I'm sorry for your loss. She's "on board with whatever you decide". However, it's unacceptable for you to sleep on your friend's coach.

Honestly, I guess I'm shocked that anyone would miss a grandparent's funeral unless there were extreme extenuating circumstances.

My wife wouldn't want me sleeping on some dude's coach either.

 

[Zow]

So your wife is bent out of shape if you sleep on your friend's couch but missing your Grandma's funeral is no big deal?

Where did I indicate it wasn't a big deal?

I meant from your wife's perspective. I'm sorry for your loss. She's "on board with whatever you decide". However, it's unacceptable for you to sleep on your friend's coach.

Honestly, I guess I'm shocked that anyone would miss a grandparent's funeral unless there were extreme extenuating circumstances.

Well, I for one am definitely appreciating this continuing sentiment. I'm not a big celebration/occasion guy (I think birthdays are dumb, fought like hell with my mom to not have to attend HS graduation, not into holidays) and I feel like I already said goodbye to my grandma. So a large part of my intent with this thread is to check my thought process. Honestly, my thought process the last couple of days has been "go for a rushed two days when everyone is sad vs. go for a week in the fall and spend way more time with people" since they'll cost about the same and I won't have work breathing down my neck.

I'll admit though this thread is changing my feeling on this.

 

[RnR]

So your wife is bent out of shape if you sleep on your friend's couch but missing your Grandma's funeral is no big deal?

Where did I indicate it wasn't a big deal?

I meant from your wife's perspective. I'm sorry for your loss. She's "on board with whatever you decide". However, it's unacceptable for you to sleep on your friend's coach.

Honestly, I guess I'm shocked that anyone would miss a grandparent's funeral unless there were extreme extenuating circumstances.

Well, I for one am definitely appreciating this continuing sentiment. I'm not a big celebration/occasion guy (I think birthdays are dumb, fought like hell with my mom to not have to attend HS graduation, not into holidays) and I feel like I already said goodbye to my grandma. So a large part of my intent with this thread is to check my thought process. Honestly, my thought process the last couple of days has been "go for a rushed two days when everyone is sad vs. go for a week in the fall and spend way more time with people" since they'll cost about the same and I won't have work breathing down my neck.

I'll admit though this thread is changing my feeling on this.

Hint: It's because you're selfish.

 

[Zow]

So your wife is bent out of shape if you sleep on your friend's couch but missing your Grandma's funeral is no big deal?

Where did I indicate it wasn't a big deal?

I meant from your wife's perspective. I'm sorry for your loss. She's "on board with whatever you decide". However, it's unacceptable for you to sleep on your friend's coach.

Honestly, I guess I'm shocked that anyone would miss a grandparent's funeral unless there were extreme extenuating circumstances.

Well, I for one am definitely appreciating this continuing sentiment. I'm not a big celebration/occasion guy (I think birthdays are dumb, fought like hell with my mom to not have to attend HS graduation, not into holidays) and I feel like I already said goodbye to my grandma. So a large part of my intent with this thread is to check my thought process. Honestly, my thought process the last couple of days has been "go for a rushed two days when everyone is sad vs. go for a week in the fall and spend way more time with people" since they'll cost about the same and I won't have work breathing down my neck.

I'll admit though this thread is changing my feeling on this.

Hint: It's because you're selfish.

Yes, I'm a terrible person.

 

[McGarnicle]

So your wife is bent out of shape if you sleep on your friend's couch but missing your Grandma's funeral is no big deal?

Where did I indicate it wasn't a big deal?

I meant from your wife's perspective. I'm sorry for your loss. She's "on board with whatever you decide". However, it's unacceptable for you to sleep on your friend's coach.

Honestly, I guess I'm shocked that anyone would miss a grandparent's funeral unless there were extreme extenuating circumstances.

Well, I for one am definitely appreciating this continuing sentiment. I'm not a big celebration/occasion guy (I think birthdays are dumb, fought like hell with my mom to not have to attend HS graduation, not into holidays) and I feel like I already said goodbye to my grandma. So a large part of my intent with this thread is to check my thought process. Honestly, my thought process the last couple of days has been "go for a rushed two days when everyone is sad vs. go for a week in the fall and spend way more time with people" since they'll cost about the same and I won't have work breathing down my neck.

I'll admit though this thread is changing my feeling on this.

Hint: It's because you're selfish.

Yes, I'm a terrible person.

Or, there might be another word you could use...

 

[headcrack]

So your wife is bent out of shape if you sleep on your friend's couch but missing your Grandma's funeral is no big deal?

Where did I indicate it wasn't a big deal?

I meant from your wife's perspective. I'm sorry for your loss. She's "on board with whatever you decide". However, it's unacceptable for you to sleep on your friend's coach.

Honestly, I guess I'm shocked that anyone would miss a grandparent's funeral unless there were extreme extenuating circumstances.

Well, I for one am definitely appreciating this continuing sentiment. I'm not a big celebration/occasion guy (I think birthdays are dumb, fought like hell with my mom to not have to attend HS graduation, not into holidays) and I feel like I already said goodbye to my grandma. So a large part of my intent with this thread is to check my thought process. Honestly, my thought process the last couple of days has been "go for a rushed two days when everyone is sad vs. go for a week in the fall and spend way more time with people" since they'll cost about the same and I won't have work breathing down my neck.

I'll admit though this thread is changing my feeling on this.

That sounds a lot like the way I am ... but I wish I had been smart enough to make a thread like this when I was in your situation.

 

[RnR]

If you can't see that your whole line of thinking on this is about "me, me, me" ... I don't know what to tell you.

Your dad's mom just died. I don't care if you're over it or not. He needs you there. Only a self-absorbed moron couldn't be culturally aware enough to acknowledge that. I think instinctively, you already know that you should be attending. You started this thread in search of some validation for the rationale you have used to talk yourself out of what you know is the right thing to do.

 

[krista4]

Your dad's mom just died. I don't care if you're over it or not. He needs you there. I think instinctively, you already know that you should be attending.

These statements constitute a great posting. This is why you go, Woz. No matter what your dad tells you, he wants you there, and he needs you there more than he is likely willing to admit to you or to himself. I'm sure he's proud of you and what you've done in your career, so he tells you he "understands" if you don't make it. But you absolutely have to set aside whatever "trouble" it is to go right now and do it. You didn't mention a grandfather so I am assuming he's dead, meaning your father just lost his last remaining parent. It actually makes my stomach hurt to think of you not going to support him and the rest of your family right now.

 

[Juxtatarot]

So your wife is bent out of shape if you sleep on your friend's couch but missing your Grandma's funeral is no big deal?

Where did I indicate it wasn't a big deal?

I meant from your wife's perspective. I'm sorry for your loss. She's "on board with whatever you decide". However, it's unacceptable for you to sleep on your friend's coach.

Honestly, I guess I'm shocked that anyone would miss a grandparent's funeral unless there were extreme extenuating circumstances.

My wife wouldn't want me sleeping on some dude's coach either.

Good point.

 

[The_Man]

One of my best friends lives in Chicago, his family is in Kentucky, but his grandmother lived here in Baltimore. She was past 90 and it sounds like the circumstances of her passing were much like your grandmother's.

My friend was in grad school and couldn't swing the trip. I went to the funeral - and my friend's dad was there pretty much by himself, while my friend's aunts were there surrounded by their kids and grandkids. After the service I went to say hi to my friend's dad and he was so happy to see me. I could tell being at his mom's funeral without any of his offspring, while his siblings had their entire families around them, made him feel like the loneliest guy in the world. It wasn't too hard to figure that he was perhaps projecting ahead to his own last days and wondering if his kids were going to be there when that time came.

I've never told my friend how fully alone his dad seemed that day, but he kind of knows. Not being there - for his father, not his grandmother - is something he regrets and is bothered by to this day.

 

[Mister Martie]

I don't think you guys are fully understanding that Woz has to drive several hours tonight. How much can be asked of one man?

 

[Zow]

One of my best friends lives in Chicago, his family is in Kentucky, but his grandmother lived here in Baltimore. She was past 90 and it sounds like the circumstances of her passing were much like your grandmother's.

My friend was in grad school and couldn't swing the trip. I went to the funeral - and my friend's dad was there pretty much by himself, while my friend's aunts were there surrounded by their kids and grandkids. After the service I went to say hi to my friend's dad and he was so happy to see me. I could tell being at his mom's funeral without any of his offspring, while his siblings had their entire families around them, made him feel like the loneliest guy in the world. It wasn't too hard to figure that he was perhaps projecting ahead to his own last days and wondering if his kids were going to be there when that time came.

I've never told my friend how fully alone his dad seemed that day, but he kind of knows. Not being there - for his father, not his grandmother - is something he regrets and is bothered by to this day.

God dammit

 

[Buckfast 1]

One of my best friends lives in Chicago, his family is in Kentucky, but his grandmother lived here in Baltimore. She was past 90 and it sounds like the circumstances of her passing were much like your grandmother's.

My friend was in grad school and couldn't swing the trip. I went to the funeral - and my friend's dad was there pretty much by himself, while my friend's aunts were there surrounded by their kids and grandkids. After the service I went to say hi to my friend's dad and he was so happy to see me. I could tell being at his mom's funeral without any of his offspring, while his siblings had their entire families around them, made him feel like the loneliest guy in the world. It wasn't too hard to figure that he was perhaps projecting ahead to his own last days and wondering if his kids were going to be there when that time came.

I've never told my friend how fully alone his dad seemed that day, but he kind of knows. Not being there - for his father, not his grandmother - is something he regrets and is bothered by to this day.

 

[Nathan R. Jessep]

One of my best friends lives in Chicago, his family is in Kentucky, but his grandmother lived here in Baltimore. She was past 90 and it sounds like the circumstances of her passing were much like your grandmother's.

My friend was in grad school and couldn't swing the trip. I went to the funeral - and my friend's dad was there pretty much by himself, while my friend's aunts were there surrounded by their kids and grandkids. After the service I went to say hi to my friend's dad and he was so happy to see me. I could tell being at his mom's funeral without any of his offspring, while his siblings had their entire families around them, made him feel like the loneliest guy in the world. It wasn't too hard to figure that he was perhaps projecting ahead to his own last days and wondering if his kids were going to be there when that time came.

I've never told my friend how fully alone his dad seemed that day, but he kind of knows. Not being there - for his father, not his grandmother - is something he regrets and is bothered by to this day.

/thread

 

[Zow]

Your dad's mom just died. I don't care if you're over it or not. He needs you there. I think instinctively, you already know that you should be attending.

These statements constitute a great posting. This is why you go, Woz. No matter what your dad tells you, he wants you there, and he needs you there more than he is likely willing to admit to you or to himself. I'm sure he's proud of you and what you've done in your career, so he tells you he "understands" if you don't make it. But you absolutely have to set aside whatever "trouble" it is to go right now and do it. You didn't mention a grandfather so I am assuming he's dead, meaning your father just lost his last remaining parent. It actually makes my stomach hurt to think of you not going to support him and the rest of your family right now.

All valid points and yes my grandfather passed away like 20 years.

I wasn't trying to make this about my dad too much, but for general background my dad and I aren't terribly close either. He went through a very substantial mid-life crisis a dozen years ago and has to a significant extent stepped away from my immediate family (moved away, misses birthdays, won't him from him for months, ditches us on Christmas to go see the family of a woman he was dating, etc.). I say this only to clarify that being there would be for everyone on my dad's side of the family, including but not limited to my dad.

I'm thinking of calling my uncle, who of everyone on that side, I'm closest to. This is really starting to bother me a lot.

 

[simey]

My dad has indicated he'd like me there, but he's not pushing it or anything. He shouldn't have to push you.

Lastly, the weather could mess everything up. Excuse

At this point I'm leaning towards not attending (and maybe sending flowers, calling in, etc.). Financially it would hurt my wife and me and flying essentially two days in a row with a red eye flight is awful. Your dad saying goodbye to his mother is more awful than two days in a row of red eye flights.

My wife is on board with whatever I decide but shares my same financial worries. So, given everything I'd rather not go. That said though I'm feeling pretty ####ty about not attending. This is my first death in the family as an adult. Is this something that is an automatic attend? If you want to save money then don't bring your wife with you. You're the one that needs to be there. Life isn't always about ourselves, Zow, and there are times when we have to make sacrifices for the sake of others.

 

[McGarnicle]

Flights leaving tomorrow, returning Monday. Nothing to sneeze at, but shouldn't break the bank either. Call the airlines and ask for a bereavement fare. You can make this work with some effort.

Best flightsLearn more
$458
round trip
3:10 pm – 7:04 pm
Spirit
2h 54m
PHX-MSP
Nonstop
$504
round trip
1:55 am – 8:45 am
Spirit
5h 50m
PHX-MSP
1 stop
1h 18m in DFW
$548
round trip

10:15 am – 2:30 pm
Delta
3h 15m
PHX-MSP
Nonstop
$548
round trip

4:55 pm – 8:59 pm
Delta
3h 04m
PHX-MSP
Nonstop
$548
round trip

6:15 pm – 10:19 pm
Delta
3h 04m
PHX-MSP
Nonstop
$553
round trip

9:40 am – 1:50 pm
US Airways / American
3h 10m
PHX-MSP
Nonstop
$553
round trip

7:45 pm – 11:48 pm
US Airways / American
3h 03m
PHX-MSP
Nonstop

 

[Apple Jack]

Unreal.

 

[Zow]

Flights leaving tomorrow, returning Monday. Nothing to sneeze at, but shouldn't break the bank either. Call the airlines and ask for a bereavement fare. You can make this work with some effort.

Best flightsLearn more
$458
round trip
3:10 pm – 7:04 pm
Spirit
2h 54m
PHX-MSP
Nonstop
$504
round trip
1:55 am – 8:45 am
Spirit
5h 50m
PHX-MSP
1 stop
1h 18m in DFW
$548
round trip

10:15 am – 2:30 pm
Delta
3h 15m
PHX-MSP
Nonstop
$548
round trip

4:55 pm – 8:59 pm
Delta
3h 04m
PHX-MSP
Nonstop
$548
round trip

6:15 pm – 10:19 pm
Delta
3h 04m
PHX-MSP
Nonstop
$553
round trip

9:40 am – 1:50 pm
US Airways / American
3h 10m
PHX-MSP
Nonstop
$553
round trip

7:45 pm – 11:48 pm
US Airways / American
3h 03m
PHX-MSP
Nonstop

Appreciate it but I'd be flying out of Vegas (I live in northwest AZ). Would be returning from Mesquite, NV, Saturday evening.

Best I found is a spirit flight leaving Saturday night at midnight and returning Tuesday night about midnight for around 450. Have it queued up for purchase.

 

[Fennis]

Don't go.

 

[rodg12]

You're sweating $450? Even more pathetic.

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

Your dad's mom just died. I don't care if you're over it or not. He needs you there. I think instinctively, you already know that you should be attending.

These statements constitute a great posting. This is why you go, Woz. No matter what your dad tells you, he wants you there, and he needs you there more than he is likely willing to admit to you or to himself. I'm sure he's proud of you and what you've done in your career, so he tells you he "understands" if you don't make it. But you absolutely have to set aside whatever "trouble" it is to go right now and do it. You didn't mention a grandfather so I am assuming he's dead, meaning your father just lost his last remaining parent. It actually makes my stomach hurt to think of you not going to support him and the rest of your family right now.

All valid points and yes my grandfather passed away like 20 years.

I wasn't trying to make this about my dad too much, but for general background my dad and I aren't terribly close either. He went through a very substantial mid-life crisis a dozen years ago and has to a significant extent stepped away from my immediate family (moved away, misses birthdays, won't him from him for months, ditches us on Christmas to go see the family of a woman he was dating, etc.). I say this only to clarify that being there would be for everyone on my dad's side of the family, including but not limited to my dad.

I'm thinking of calling my uncle, who of everyone on that side, I'm closest to. This is really starting to bother me a lot.

Probably because he's horribly disappointed in you.

 

[Mister Martie]

I'm not a big celebration/occasion guy (I think birthdays are dumb, fought like hell with my mom to not have to attend HS graduation, not into holidays)

He went through a very substantial mid-life crisis a dozen years ago and has to a significant extent stepped away from my immediate family (moved away, misses birthdays, won't him from him for months, ditches us on Christmas to go see the family of a woman he was dating, etc.).

So you selectively care about this stuff?

 

[John Bender]

You go. You're a scumbag if you don't. You have the means to do it. No question Woz. Make it happen

 

[Gawain]

He went through a very substantial mid-life crisis a dozen years ago and has to a significant extent stepped away from my immediate family (moved away, misses birthdays, won't him from him for months, ditches us on Christmas to go see the family of a woman he was dating, etc.).

So you want to follow in his footsteps by missing funerals? It sounds like his actions upset you. You should take this opportunity to show yourself you're not your father.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Go to the funeral. There's no way to know just exactly what moment will resonate with you or someone else there, but I bet it happens. And there are no backsies for this.

My mother couldn't go to her father's funeral. We were in Chicago, her family was in England, and there just wasn't any money at all. Not recommended.

 

[Zegras11]

Dumbfounded by this thread. My dads mom died before I was born. I wanna smack you in the head.

 

[chauncey]

This could be a defining moment in your relationship with your Dad. No matter how things have been in the past the future is yet to be written. Maybe he wants to be a better Dad but got caught up with his own life and #### and let things slide with family. You being there for him probably means more than he would let on and more than he realizes at the moment.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[chauncey]

Read this

Always go to the Funeral.

Then read this.

 

[Judge Smails]

For a Grandmother I go no matter what. I start drawing the line at Aunt's on the other side of the country who I wasn't particularly close with.

 

[Zow]

I'm not a big celebration/occasion guy (I think birthdays are dumb, fought like hell with my mom to not have to attend HS graduation, not into holidays)

He went through a very substantial mid-life crisis a dozen years ago and has to a significant extent stepped away from my immediate family (moved away, misses birthdays, won't him from him for months, ditches us on Christmas to go see the family of a woman he was dating, etc.).

So you selectively care about this stuff?

I'm clarifying why my relationship with my name is not what I'd define as "close." The holiday stuff didn't bother me, but his general lack of being around did to an extent obviously.

 

[Zow]

You're sweating $450? Even more pathetic.

Total trip cost is about 1k when you include luggage fees and hotels. Normally not a big deal, but things are a bit tight at the moment. Nonetheless the money is only one of a few factors here.

 

[BobbyLayne]

It's your direct line - you go to the funeral.

 

[DaVinci]

I traveled from Japan to North Carolina for my grandmother's funeral last summer. Go.

 

[the moops]

luggage fees? don't check a bag.

 

[belljr]

The airlines have reduced fare for bereavement...no sctick

 

[McGarnicle]

Where'd you go?! You better be packing a bag right now, you monster.

 

[tommyGunZ]

Do you have siblings Woz? Does your Dad? Will any of them be there with your Dad?

If it's important to your Dad for you to be here, you should go. I'd ask him. If not, who cares what anyone else thinks.

You are not a self absorbed ####### if you do not attend. You have your own life. Funerals are extremely overrated.

 

[Apple Jack]

Do you have siblings Woz? Does your Dad? Will any of them be there with your Dad?

If it's important to your Dad for you to be here, you should go. I'd ask him. If not, who cares what anyone else thinks.

You are not a self absorbed ####### if you do not attend. You have your own life. Funerals are extremely overrated.

Exactly. As if she had anything to do with that.

 

[Doug B]

Total trip cost is about 1k when you include luggage fees and hotels.

For the night or two, you won't need a hotel necessarily. Or is the family you have in Minnesota averse to hosting a family guest in town for the funeral?

 

[the moops]

if only your wife allowed you to sleep on a couch

 

[tommyGunZ]

Do you have siblings Woz? Does your Dad? Will any of them be there with your Dad?

If it's important to your Dad for you to be here, you should go. I'd ask him. If not, who cares what anyone else thinks.

You are not a self absorbed ####### if you do not attend. You have your own life. Funerals are extremely overrated.

Exactly. As if she had anything to do with that.

Guess I'm insensitive. But I certainly hope my grandkids do not drop everything they are doing, screw up their work week, vacation plans, and savings accts just so they can fly across the country for a 1 hour funeral service.