So............I dropped off my 'specimen' today. I *THOUGHT* I would just waltz in, knock three times on a secret door, hand off my deposit, and vacate like a guy robbing a bank. That's not what happened at all.
You have 60 minutes to load the cup and get it to the lab. From the moment I dribbled my venom into the plastic jar it felt like one of those movies where I was racing against a bomb timer and every possible obstacle that could stand in my way appeared out of no-where. Knocks on the bathroom door interrupting my solo dance? Check. My daughter wanting me to color with her before leaving the house? Check. Bad traffic? Check.
With 30 minutes to spare, I waltzed into the clinic, asked the front desk where I could drop off my 'sample' and was told to check in with the lab and have a seat. A seat??? Nobody told me about a seat. Certainly not a seat in a crowded waiting room where all eyes seemed to focus in on the clear ziplock bag containing a see-thru cup that wasn't holding much of anything except a small glob of splooge. I think I saw some woman clutch her daughter closer to her as if I was going to start throwing it around like Miggs from Silence of the Lambs.
What made matters worse was this high-strung bald dude who made a scene because he was waiting for TWENTY WHOLE MINUTES to get his blood drawn. Up and down he paced, yelling at the front desk, demanding to speak to - and I'm not making this up - an
ombudsman.

I thought for years that was just some made up term by Mr. Pickles, but no no, this man repeated his request to speak to an ombudsman who could help advocate on his behalf. He made this commotion right in front of me, so whatever eyes were averted from my cup of goo were now squarely on the agitated man and the poor sonuvabeech behind him holding his jism.
Finally, a large lady emerged from the lab and in a voice that cut through fog said "FORREST!" I stood up, lowered my voice and said "hi, here's my sample", hoping she would pick up on the verbal cue to lower her voice. Oh no, Betty Humpter then blurted out for everybody to hear "WHEN DID YOU DO THE EJACULATION?" Ugh. I whispered out 7:45am and then hauled assssssss out of there. I contemplated kicking over a rope stand and throwing pennies, but I just got in my car and cried a little.