GM's thread about nothing (27 Viewers)

[krista4]

Kid #1: OK...just remember that whatever happened was not your fault and I love you no matter what. Now you have to tell me exactly what happened.Kid #2: Do we need to get the doll out so you can show us exactly where she touched you?

Christ.

 

[Thorn]

at my wife and kids.

Wife went to Fresh and Easy (which was her nickname back in HS btw) to grab a few things. They always have free samples at a station in the back. Usually they have some employee manning the station but when the wife went over nobody was there. They had some sample she wanted to try but she didn't want one of the larger portions so she takes one from the middle of the group.

All of a sudden this crazy old sample lady comes up from behind and puts her hand on my wife's shoulder "Those are good, right? But next time could you do me a favor and take one of the samples from the front?"

Although the wife doesn't have nearly the same problem I do with strangers touching her she's not really thrilled by this.

So anyway she comes home and tells us "That crazy old bat at the Fresh and Easy sample station touched me!"

Kid #1: OK...just remember that whatever happened was not your fault and I love you no matter what. Now you have to tell me exactly what happened.

Kid #2: Do we need to get the doll out so you can show us exactly where she touched you?

I love the "get the doll out" line.

I picture your kids as the ones in Bob's Burgers.

 

[Gadzooks]

at my wife and kids.Wife went to Fresh and Easy (which was her nickname back in HS btw) to grab a few things. They always have free samples at a station in the back. Usually they have some employee manning the station but when the wife went over nobody was there. They had some sample she wanted to try but she didn't want one of the larger portions so she takes one from the middle of the group. All of a sudden this crazy old sample lady comes up from behind and puts her hand on my wife's shoulder "Those are good, right? But next time could you do me a favor and take one of the samples from the front?"Although the wife doesn't have nearly the same problem I do with strangers touching her she's not really thrilled by this. So anyway she comes home and tells us "That crazy old bat at the Fresh and Easy sample station touched me!"Kid #1: OK...just remember that whatever happened was not your fault and I love you no matter what. Now you have to tell me exactly what happened.Kid #2: Do we need to get the doll out so you can show us exactly where she touched you?

Just putting this out there.... if (God and Joe forbid) you, your wife and SLB happen to die in the next year, I'd like to adopt your kids when I marry SLB's hot wife.

 

[Steve Tasker]

I picture the sample lady as the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons.

 

[Gadzooks]

Man, Drifter, that is rough, I feel for ya bud, hang in there. I can't say much but sounds like this is when your wife really needs you; that should actually help you through this. Take care.

And Drifter your inbox is full.

 

[Gadzooks]

I picture the sample lady as the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons.

When I close my eyes, I picture his wife is India Rodrigus and the sample lady is Amber. Of course I probably picture this because I've spent too much time in the FFA today and I'm hornier than a house-cat right now.

 

[FatMax]

I picture the sample lady as the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons.

When I close my eyes, I picture his wife is India Rodrigus and the sample lady is Amber. Of course I probably picture this because I've spent too much time in the FFA today and I'm hornier than a house-cat right now.

Since I'll never have a good chance to tell this again, India, Amber and housecats reminded me of something. If my wife shoots down the sex, sometimes I tell her that I'm going to rape the cat after she goes to sleep. She doesn't think it is funny. Her bad, or my bad?

eta: I haven't raped the cat. Yet.

 

[Gadzooks]

Am I a bad person for wanting Studs to post in MikeIke's thread?

Am I a bad person for wanting Woz (without knowing about that thread) to start a thread about how he was posing as a Rapper and banging a married chick only to find out that now she is claiming he raped her?

 

[Josie Maran]

at my wife and kids.Wife went to Fresh and Easy (which was her nickname back in HS btw) to grab a few things. They always have free samples at a station in the back. Usually they have some employee manning the station but when the wife went over nobody was there. They had some sample she wanted to try but she didn't want one of the larger portions so she takes one from the middle of the group. All of a sudden this crazy old sample lady comes up from behind and puts her hand on my wife's shoulder "Those are good, right? But next time could you do me a favor and take one of the samples from the front?"Although the wife doesn't have nearly the same problem I do with strangers touching her she's not really thrilled by this. So anyway she comes home and tells us "That crazy old bat at the Fresh and Easy sample station touched me!"Kid #1: OK...just remember that whatever happened was not your fault and I love you no matter what. Now you have to tell me exactly what happened.Kid #2: Do we need to get the doll out so you can show us exactly where she touched you?

 

[Gadzooks]

I picture the sample lady as the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons.

When I close my eyes, I picture his wife is India Rodrigus and the sample lady is Amber. Of course I probably picture this because I've spent too much time in the FFA today and I'm hornier than a house-cat right now.

Since I'll never have a good chance to tell this again, India, Amber and housecats reminded me of something. If my wife shoots down the sex, sometimes I tell her that I'm going to rape the cat after she goes to sleep. She doesn't think it is funny. Her bad, or my bad?

eta: I haven't raped the cat. Yet.

It's funny and romantic at the same time.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

I picture the sample lady as the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons.

When I close my eyes, I picture his wife is India Rodrigus and the sample lady is Amber. Of course I probably picture this because I've spent too much time in the FFA today and I'm hornier than a house-cat right now.

Since I'll never have a good chance to tell this again, India, Amber and housecats reminded me of something. If my wife shoots down the sex, sometimes I tell her that I'm going to rape the cat after she goes to sleep. She doesn't think it is funny. Her bad, or my bad?

eta: I haven't raped the cat. Yet.

Her bad.

 

[bentley]

All I know is that I couldn't imagine what MikeIke or whatever is going through. Guys like BuddyBall and Goggins and their black-and-white responses are so predictable they're almost funny.

Goggins first post in the thread...

Until rape kit comes back I wouldn't believe a thing she said. Hell she could have been into rough sex with this guy and things got out of control and then cried rape cause she knew you would have seen the bruises.

Seems like already you've checked out of the marriage and now that you know she's a liar and cheated on you, you are under no obligation to go through this with her, rape or not.

He probably has the bolded at CTRL-V ready at all times.

If I remember correctly I think Goggins lives in Austin. If I ever brought something very personal to the boards (suppose thats inevitably a "when" not an "if") and he replied, I just know I'd be driving up there and trying to track him down. I probably should just go ahead and do so preemptively. Guy is that bad IMO.

Get the get-away Bus gassed up for this Bently.

Goggins isn't Robbie Copper in disguise is he?

He's an RKade alias. When he first moved to town, before I iknew him, he was asking a bunch of questions in the FFA for recommendations on butcher shops, night clubs, places to buy appliances, etc. I helped out with several answers. If that happened today, I'd pay to have a fake butcher shop set up, send him there, and then hire a few goons to kick the crap out of him for good measure.So, in conclusion, the bus is always on standby. And it's now outfitted with some of those Boss Hogg horns as a hood ornament.

 

[bostonfred]

GB TB

 

[bentley]

Anyone with little kids know anything about Yo Gabba Gabba? My 16 year old is going out on a "job interview" with some company that supplies characters for kid's birthday parties. He could be playing Brobee. I googled some of the videos . Does this Brobee jagoff have some sort of signature moves?

Brobee is a complete doucher. Your kid should be great at it. E10's kid should probably audition for the role of Muno. Wouldn't even need a costume.

 

[Frostillicus]

I picture the sample lady as the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons.

When I close my eyes, I picture his wife is India Rodrigus and the sample lady is Amber. Of course I probably picture this because I've spent too much time in the FFA today and I'm hornier than a house-cat right now.

You move on from Amanda already?

 

[Frostillicus]

Tonight my wife is pissed because her friend's boyfriend deleted her as a facebook friend because I insulted her friend while chatting on the facebook when I was drunk.

I would love to try to explain that sentence to my dad. He'd probably just shoot me.

 

[bentley]

I would love to try to explain that sentence to my dad. He'd probably just shoot me.

I have a brother in law that works in the oilfield. We had a conversation one day about what I did for a living. It went something like this:BIL - You work all day on a computer?Me - Yes.BIL - And you don't do anything else?Me - Well, sometimes I go to meetings.BIL - But that's it? You sit in front of a computer and don't actually do anything? Me - More or less.BIL - Really? All day? I can't believe they pay people to do that.

 

[FatMax]

I would love to try to explain that sentence to my dad. He'd probably just shoot me.

I have a brother in law that works in the oilfield. We had a conversation one day about what I did for a living. It went something like this:BIL - You work all day on a computer?Me - Yes.BIL - And you don't do anything else?Me - Well, sometimes I go to meetings.BIL - But that's it? You sit in front of a computer and don't actually do anything? Me - More or less.BIL - Really? All day? I can't believe they pay people to do that.

If the FFA decides to have a family idiot contest, I'd probably win. That isn't even in the top fifty dumbest conversations I have had with my brother in law.

 

[FatMax]

For example, this was our first conversation when I started dating his sister (my wife now). He looked at me, and asked me to say, "I bathe in the blood of Jesus Christ."

 

[bentley]

For example, this was our first conversation when I started dating his sister (my wife now). He looked at me, and asked me to say, "I bathe in the blood of Jesus Christ."

What the ####?

 

[El Floppo]

Anyone with little kids know anything about Yo Gabba Gabba? My 16 year old is going out on a "job interview" with some company that supplies characters for kid's birthday parties. He could be playing Brobee. I googled some of the videos . Does this Brobee jagoff have some sort of signature moves?

He swings his arms around a lot.

Brobee reminded me
, and even with a party in his tummy, so yummy, so yummy- he freaked me right the #### out.

 

[bakes]

For example, this was our first conversation when I started dating his sister (my wife now). He looked at me, and asked me to say, "I bathe in the blood of Jesus Christ."

"Guess the cops can stop looking for the jackass who stole the communion wine..."Wait, hold on misread - I thought he said that. He asked YOU to say that? What... the...

 

[Bogart]

I would love to try to explain that sentence to my dad. He'd probably just shoot me.

I have a brother in law that works in the oilfield. We had a conversation one day about what I did for a living. It went something like this:BIL - You work all day on a computer?Me - Yes.BIL - And you don't do anything else?Me - Well, sometimes I go to meetings.BIL - But that's it? You sit in front of a computer and don't actually do anything? Me - More or less.BIL - Really? All day? I can't believe they pay people to do that.

If the FFA decides to have a family idiot contest, I'd probably win. That isn't even in the top fifty dumbest conversations I have had with my brother in law.

When I set up my Mother-In-Law's computer last month, she asked "Can I get the Googles? And how much does that cost a month?"

 

[bentley]

Anyone with little kids know anything about Yo Gabba Gabba? My 16 year old is going out on a "job interview" with some company that supplies characters for kid's birthday parties. He could be playing Brobee. I googled some of the videos . Does this Brobee jagoff have some sort of signature moves?

He swings his arms around a lot.

Brobee reminded me

DO THE CARROTS WANT TO GO TO THE PARTY IN MY TUMMY?PS - Your stories about the way El Floppinho is behaving around La Floppinha have me straight freaked out. Thinking about putting you on ignore so that I can live in blissful ignorance and expectation that JR will be cool with the second baby.

 

[General Malaise]

Drifter> sorry to hear that things are a little rough for you right now.

Two things:

1.) Good friends of mine went through a VERY similar situation - child wasn't really communicating, etc. and preliminary "findings" had the parents prepared for a full-blown autism diagnosis. As it turned out, the boy just needed a little more time and now the kid won't shut up. Not telling you that to get any hopes up (feels wrong to put it that way, but I think you know what I mean), but I would guess that this diagnosis isn't the end of this.

2.) Another good friend of mine has two autistic children, both of whom are at a fairly severe level. But - every child has his/her eccentricities, and you will learn what he likes and - more importantly - how to talk to/reason with/scold/punish/love/cherish him.

We're here for you to vent, whiskey or not. Keep your chin up and use the strength the collective FFA will give you to support your wife and especially your son.

Great post here. Drifter, I'm just now catching up, so didn't see this. Wishing you all the best, friend.

 

[General Malaise]

Tonight my wife is pissed because her friend's boyfriend deleted her as a facebook friend because I insulted her friend while chatting on the facebook when I was drunk.I would love to try to explain that sentence to my dad. He'd probably just shoot me.

 

[El Floppo]

GB TB

AND his kids.

 

[bentley]

GM> Coming to the below for a week in 2012. Need to hook up for real this time.

SAIF to host 2012 AASCIF National Conference

SAIF Corporation will host the 2012 AASCIF National Conference in Portland, bringing U.S. and Canadian state compensation insurance funds back to Oregon for the first time in 30 years.

Slated to take place in the summer, the conference is expected to draw approximately 500 attendees. It will include the annual AASCIF Communications Awards as well as exhibits, presentations, and Oregon-themed activities for participants.

 

[General Malaise]

My mother just learned how to send a text message. I'm thinking they might make for great reading for the rest of the world. She took my younger son to San Diego for the weekend and texted me probably 15 times. I haven't seen the Engrish language so mangled since I left Mississippi 15 years ago.

 

[General Malaise]

GM> Coming to the below for a week in 2012. Need to hook up for real this time.

SAIF to host 2012 AASCIF National Conference

SAIF Corporation will host the 2012 AASCIF National Conference in Portland, bringing U.S. and Canadian state compensation insurance funds back to Oregon for the first time in 30 years.

Slated to take place in the summer, the conference is expected to draw approximately 500 attendees. It will include the annual AASCIF Communications Awards as well as exhibits, presentations, and Oregon-themed activities for participants.

 

[McJose]

I picture the sample lady as the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons.

I've seen her a couple of times. She's a fattish old bag. I guess since she works with food she has to wear a hat. For some unknown reason she wears a company trucker hat...sideways.Imagine this on this.

 

[Frostillicus]

Anyone with little kids know anything about Yo Gabba Gabba? My 16 year old is going out on a "job interview" with some company that supplies characters for kid's birthday parties. He could be playing Brobee. I googled some of the videos . Does this Brobee jagoff have some sort of signature moves?

He swings his arms around a lot.

Brobee reminded me

My daughter has done nothing but adore her baby brother since he was born, so there's hope. I mean, sure, she takes toys away from him, refuses to let him touch anything that's "hers", and yesterday I caught her kicking him into the wall when he was trying to crawl (like, every time he'd take a "step" she'd lightly kick him into the wall. Not enough to hurt him or anything, just enough to make it clear who the dominant one was). But other than that? Best of friends.

 

[El Floppo]

Anyone with little kids know anything about Yo Gabba Gabba? My 16 year old is going out on a "job interview" with some company that supplies characters for kid's birthday parties. He could be playing Brobee. I googled some of the videos . Does this Brobee jagoff have some sort of signature moves?

He swings his arms around a lot.

Brobee reminded me
" email today. Does anybody know anybody who knows somebody who can... you know... take care of some people for me?

 

[El Floppo]

My mother just learned how to send a text message. I'm thinking they might make for great reading for the rest of the world. She took my younger son to San Diego for the weekend and texted me probably 15 times. I haven't seen the Engrish language so mangled since I left Mississippi 15 years ago.

 

[Frostillicus]

Just ran down into the basement to get the parmesan & garlic cheez-its for my wife since I'm the one who left them down there. Pretty sure Goggins would have a three paragraph diatribe about how my wife is a #####.

 

[McJose]

I had to google Brobee

The first thing I thought of was

I need to step away from the internet.

ETA: He got the job. Saturday evening he's going to be Brobee for one hour. He'll make $20. That's how much I'm making per hour at summer school.

 

[FatMax]

For example, this was our first conversation when I started dating his sister (my wife now). He looked at me, and asked me to say, "I bathe in the blood of Jesus Christ."

"Guess the cops can stop looking for the jackass who stole the communion wine..."Wait, hold on misread - I thought he said that. He asked YOU to say that? What... the...

Well you see, if you're possessed by satan, you're not physically able to say that. Or so I've learned.

 

[YSR]

For example, this was our first conversation when I started dating his sister (my wife now). He looked at me, and asked me to say, "I bathe in the blood of Jesus Christ."

"Guess the cops can stop looking for the jackass who stole the communion wine..."Wait, hold on misread - I thought he said that. He asked YOU to say that? What... the...

Well you see, if you're possessed by satan, you're not physically able to say that. Or so I've learned.

omg

 

[El Floppo]

For example, this was our first conversation when I started dating his sister (my wife now). He looked at me, and asked me to say, "I bathe in the blood of Jesus Christ."

"Guess the cops can stop looking for the jackass who stole the communion wine..."Wait, hold on misread - I thought he said that. He asked YOU to say that? What... the...

Well you see, if you're possessed by satan, you're not physically able to say that. Or so I've learned.

omg

no ####### wonder.

 

[McJose]

My mother just learned how to send a text message. I'm thinking they might make for great reading for the rest of the world. She took my younger son to San Diego for the weekend and texted me probably 15 times. I haven't seen the Engrish language so mangled since I left Mississippi 15 years ago.

My mom just figure out texting about a year ago. I see it as a godsend, however.This is a typical phone call from my mom:

*ring*

Me: Hi, Mom.

Mom: OH, HI. I DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU WOULD PICK UP (the caps and bold are because she YELLS into the phone like Aunt Bee trying to get ahold of Sarah the Mayberry operator)

ME: Yeah, I'm here.

Mom: ARE YOU AWAKE?

Me: Yep...it's almost 11:30 (I'm not 16 anymore)

Mom: OH OK. LISTEN I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING...ARE YOU STILL THERE?

Me: Yes

Mom: OK, LISTEN. I FOUND THIS COUPON I GOT IN THE MAIL LAST MONTH FROM XYZ CLOTHING STORE BUT I WON'T USE IT SINCE THAT TIME THE GIRL WAS RUDE TO ME...DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT?

Me: No (dammit! I should have said yes)

Mom: [insert 5 minute long story about how the girl at XYZ store was rude because my mom's credit card was declined because my mom gave her an expired card instead of a new one. apparently the girl should have known]

Me: Oh wow. That girl sure was rude.

Mom: TELL ME ABOUT IT. SO ANYWAY I GOT THIS COUPON AND IT'S GOOD FOR 5% OFF ANY PURCHASE OVER $100 AND I WAS WONERING IF (wife) COULD USE IT? IT EXPIRES TOMORROW SO SHE'D HAVE TO USE IT RIGHT AWAY.

Me: Jeez...she might but she's not getting back into town until tomorrow morning.

Mom: DO YOU THINK SHE MIGHT WANT TO GO WHEN SHE GETS BACK???

Me: Hmmm...it is a tempting offer...I'll text her and ask (no way I'm texting my wife about this. I don't think she's ever even set foot in that old lady clothing store) if she wants it I'll call you back. If you don't here from me just toss it.

Mom: OH OK. SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING TODAY?

etc

etc

 

[bakes]

For example, this was our first conversation when I started dating his sister (my wife now). He looked at me, and asked me to say, "I bathe in the blood of Jesus Christ."

"Guess the cops can stop looking for the jackass who stole the communion wine..."Wait, hold on misread - I thought he said that. He asked YOU to say that? What... the...

Well you see, if you're possessed by satan, you're not physically able to say that. Or so I've learned.

In that case, keep saying it but with one word off, like in Army of Darkness when Ash Williams keeps forgetting Klaatu Barada Nikto."I breathe in the blood of Jesus Christ""I bathe in the brood of Jesus Christ""I bathe in the blood of Jesus the Landscaper"etc. It'd drive him bat####.

 

[Chaos Commish]

Yesterday my mom asked me to: "Please, goggle your brother for dinner at 6."

 

[Frostillicus]

I've recently really gotten into cooking. Like in the last 6 months or so I've gone from a repertroir of tacos and grilling meat to going to try to pull this off wednesday for four people:

- Romaine, Blue Cheese, & Bacon salad with roasted pine nuts

- Grilled white fish (whatever is fresh when we go shopping) in a garlic parsley brown butter sauce

- Cumin roasted potatoes

- Sauteed asparagus with red peppers and kalamata olives

I'm excited and scared. I'm Jessie Freaking Spano.

 

[El Floppo]

Yesterday my mom asked me to: "Please, goggle your brother for dinner at 6."

nice. that actually took me a minute or so to figure out.

 

[Chaos Commish]

Yesterday my mom asked me to: "Please, goggle your brother for dinner at 6."

nice. that actually took me a minute or so to figure out.

I never quite figured it out, but she's 84 and mean as hell, so without questioning I texted my brother: "Mom asked me to goggle you for dinner at 6." He replied: "ok, ill be there."

 

[El Floppo]

Yesterday my mom asked me to: "Please, goggle your brother for dinner at 6."

nice. that actually took me a minute or so to figure out.

I never quite figured it out, but she's 84 and mean as hell, so without questioning I texted my brother: "Mom asked me to goggle you for dinner at 6." He replied: "ok, ill be there."

 

[-fish-]

at my wife and kids.Wife went to Fresh and Easy (which was her nickname back in HS btw) to grab a few things. They always have free samples at a station in the back. Usually they have some employee manning the station but when the wife went over nobody was there. They had some sample she wanted to try but she didn't want one of the larger portions so she takes one from the middle of the group. All of a sudden this crazy old sample lady comes up from behind and puts her hand on my wife's shoulder "Those are good, right? But next time could you do me a favor and take one of the samples from the front?"Although the wife doesn't have nearly the same problem I do with strangers touching her she's not really thrilled by this. So anyway she comes home and tells us "That crazy old bat at the Fresh and Easy sample station touched me!"Kid #1: OK...just remember that whatever happened was not your fault and I love you no matter what. Now you have to tell me exactly what happened.Kid #2: Do we need to get the doll out so you can show us exactly where she touched you?

 

[DA RAIDERS]

At least DA RAIDERS didn't post the details of his harrassment from his work computer.

All seems well. she sent a text saying that her sister thought that her misinterpretation of my text was hysterical.

 

[Gadzooks]

My mother just learned how to send a text message. I'm thinking they might make for great reading for the rest of the world. She took my younger son to San Diego for the weekend and texted me probably 15 times. I haven't seen the Engrish language so mangled since I left Mississippi 15 years ago.

Not to sound creepy, but any chance I can get your Mom's digits? It's nothing weird, I just think it would be entertaining if she and I exchanged text messages when I'm really drunk.

 

[Captain Quinoa]

Since I'll never have a good chance to tell this again, India, Amber and housecats reminded me of something. If my wife shoots down the sex, sometimes I tell her that I'm going to rape the cat after she goes to sleep. She doesn't think it is funny. Her bad, or my bad?

depends what you mean by "the cat"actually either way it's her bad