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How about this, dummy. I'm gonna throw some chicken in the crock pot and then I'll "accidentally" audio-record myself catching a jerk on the couch, then we exchange audio-recordings. Seems like a win-win. If you're not sure, feel free to take it to the ACF for advice.
We were looking at cars on my comp and didn't think it would be prudent to start typing a story about how she's insane. She's watching Big Brother now.
It really freaks people out but it gets the point across. It works even better if you're wearing sunglasses which I was. 
And at the whole thing, including the hope diamond on Clooney's schlong.
I think that's the one and only time I've ever played that card with anyone.
I hate you.
I really do need a chaperone, above and beyond my husband.
Oh. Oh, dear. Mouth cheeks. MOUTH CHEEKS.
Mouth cheeks, you say?
Yes. Yes, I do.You going to the game?
Talk to her when you have the high score among your friends in Lingo.
So 5 years ago I decide to buy a new car thanks to having some extra game show cash sitting around. I wanted something small since we already had an SUV. We ended up buying a Mazda 3 which was perfect. But for some reason the wife keeps talking about buying a truck. Everybody has a truck here in Reagan Country. We don't need a truck. We don't have a trailer or a boat or bikes or ATVs. We live in a condo. I'm not going to Home Depot for mulch or 2x4s. And we already had an SUV.
So we're at the local Dodge place and I'm looking over their Calibre or whatever that thing is. The salesguy comes over but I say that I'm looking for a smaller car. Wifegenius says "He's looking at that but I think we need a truck." Salesdouche offers to show her their fine selection of used trucks. I say "fine" since it will get both of them out of my hair.
I finish up kicking tires and go to find my wife. Salesdick has her looking at this absolute behemoth of a pickup. It was one of those gigantic Chevy Silverjumbos or Dodge Ram 50Billions or whatever. This thing had an engine bigger than most tug-boats and a tow-package capable of towing a tug-boat. And it was about $4000 more than I was planning on spending.
Needless to say the wife loved it. Looooovvvved it. You would have thought the salesguy had showed her the Hope Diamond mounted on George Clooney's schlong.
As the salesfruit is pointing out all of the bells and whistles I'm just standing there. Everytime the wife made I contact with me I just looked at her like a dog looks at a ceiling fan. Then salesmook asks her if we want to take it for a test drive. The wife blurts out "YES".
I say "No".
She says "Really?"
I say "100% really".
So she decides she wants to take it for a test drive anyway. I just shrug and say "have fun". And walk over to look at the cars on the next lot over. Now of course I should have just said "Why in the F are you taking a test drive? There's no way I'm buying this monster. You're out of your mind." But screw it. Let her waste that guy's time.
They come back in about 10 minutes and the wife waves me over.
"You have to drive this!" she says.
"No I don't"
"No, I mean it. It's awesome."
"I'm sure it is. But I'm good."
That's when salesass chimes in "You know you're not going to find this kind of truck for this kind of price anywhere."
Wife starts shaking her head like she's been pricing trucks all week long.
I tell him "That's great buy I have no interest in buying a truck and that's way out of my range anyway."
Salesguy: "So what's your range? I've got a lot more trucks"
Me: "I don't want to buy a truck. Seriously"
Wife: "You should really drive this."
Salesguy: "It is a great ride."
Now it's my wife and pencilneck against me and neither one of them is making any sense.
I learned the hard way one time that when I'm totally frustrated with my wife and a lot of other people the best thing to do is to not say anything. I mean just stand there with my mouth shut and a poker face until they either die of natural causes or stop talking to me. Like this
Me:
Wife and salesbutthammer: blah blah great blah blah truck blah blah power blah blah cargo
Me:
Wife: You don't even want to drive it?
Me:
Wife: Is that all you're going to do?
Me:
Finally a couple of synapses kick into gear and she realizes I'm not going anywhere near Grave Digger and she tells the salesdude "I guess we're leaving...sorry."
We get in the car and she says "Did you have to be so rude about it?" I tell her "Yes". Then she goes on about how we should at least look at some smaller trucks. For the 50th time in 2 days I say "we don't need a truck". She says "you never know". I come back with "Yeah I do know. I was on Jeopardy. Case closed."
Been in either Madison or MSP every year since '97. We always stay at the Days Inn (yes we're high class). Usually hit up Sally's Friday night and Saturday morning. All bets are off after that but usually 1 or 4 of us gets kicked out of Brothers. We have a good mix of Gopher/Bucky fans so it's not all Wisky people. Everytime I mention it to Frosty he ignores me.
Nice. I'm down for Friday.We'll definitely be tailgating on Saturday. We tailgate at the big lot where the bulk of the visiting fans tailgate, which is usually a good time. If you're not bar hopping, you're welcome to join us.
I Judy Wang to be you right now.
Kinda feel like you Judy Wang Judy Wang.
I'd take a run at her.
Glad to hear you're doing okay. Sorry your friends haven't been so lucky.
The music kills me. at these stories. You guys are killing me. Cheaper than a comedy show and just as many laughs.
it even gets caught by the language filter
A. nephew, not son.B. who said she had to be 18 to be hot?
Dangerous spin off poll - how young is too young to start thinking someone is hot?
I feel bad for that kid, I think hes only something like 15 or 16. But Big Boi followed by Mike Shinoda? Really? I wouldn't be surprised if he drops out.
I didn't realize Shinoda was an award winning rapper:
We need to take all this water and send it to Texas where they can use it. This extreme weather is pissing me off. Why does God hate us so much, Ms. Bachmann?
Because of the buttsechs
You are shockingly committed to that program. I didn't even know people like you existed.And since we're talking blogs, I've got like 5-6 posts from/about my recent baseball trip if anybody's interested. Just start from the bottom. There's pictures too! (note: no Amanda H.)
Clearly you've never tailgated.
