I drove to Seattle Thursday for a conference and then back Friday morning. I stayed with a buddy and we played poker and drank beers and smoked stuff until 2am. So when I woke up at the crack of 9 to head south, I had a little hunger brewing and the need for some grease. The drive back SUCKED. Torrential rain the whole way with heavy traffic. Every time I passed a truck (there were millions of them, all going 70-75) in the left hand lane, my visibility was reduced to nothing. It was not so fun.
So I stopped a few times along the way. First, at Starbucks for a much needed caffeine fix. It was 10:30 now and I was dying for some food, but I had no idea where I was. If you've ever driven south from Seattle, you'll note that its exits are virtual mazes that make no sense and confuse the ever living hell out of everybody who dares exit. I tried to find a breakfast spot, but kept getting spun around, gave up and limped into a McDonald's Drive Thru. Whatever, at this point, I was ready to eat my hand. I pull up, order up two sausage egg and cheese biscuits only to be told that they no longer serve breakfast. It's not even 11. Well, I'm boxed in now and I didn't want to just order nothing and wait, so I ordered a Big Mac. I haven't had one of those in 10 years at least. I thought it would be enough to satisfy me. They look so big on the commercials. Yeah, I was done in like 4 bites, with lettuce, seeds and sauce spilled all over my person. Navigating the Highway of Hell with a sloppy burger in one hand and a coffee in the other was fun.
Okay, so that didn't really fill me up. It just made me angry. So I barrel down I-5 furious at the world when all of the sudden I spot a familiar orange glow in the blurred distance of my windshield. Is that.....IS THAT HOOTERS!?!?!?!?!111

My car literally jerked off the road, parked itself in the lot and ejected me into the bar section where I learned at 11am, I was all alone in the most depressing, forlorn looking Hooters I've ever seen in my life. The girls looked like the worn down hookers from Deadwood. But, I was starving and I hated the drive and, well, BOOBS!!!!
I ordered up some wings and a beer and read the free Seattle weekly reader. The wings were atrocious. They were also served to me at about 900 degrees farenhiet (I'm not even gonna try), so my first bite destroyed the top of my mouth to the point that I'm still playing with the loose hanging skin a week later. I still finished, as I often do, but man was I disappointed,
as she often is.
The End,
Guster