I'm Back After a Long Absence - Who Am I Supposed to Hate? Any Hot Topics I Should Avoid (1 Viewer)

[The General]

So we met at 19, decided to get married because I was going into the Air Force after college.  She got pregnant so we moved the wedding date up.  She HATED the Air Force and said we could stay married or I could stay in the Air Force.  I caved.  Moved back to Omaha have kid #2.  She never really emotionally committed to the marriage as she has a overly tight relationship to her mother so much so that even decisions we should have made as a couple went through her mom.  After kid 2 things were a little better but still no emotional intimacy.  Along came kids 3 and 4.  I was so wrapped up in being a good Dad and provider that I hardly paid attention to the lack of emotional intimacy.  Kid 5 arrived and we were done having kids.  Now she was pulling away and we felt like strangers living under the same roof.  I thought divorce was out of the question so worked my ### off to try to "make" her love me (hint that is impossible).  Once she hit 40 she decided that when our last kid graduated she was going to file for divorce and try to find happiness on her own.  Now she didn't tell ME this until the divorce actually went down.  Those last ten years were the worst.  No emotional intimacy, no physical intimacy and for the most part not much more than contemp...but again I tried my best to make it work (I was a fool).  So, no cheating, no alcoholism or drug use, no abuse - just a person in a marriage that didn't value the marriage.  I wish her well.  She is a good Mom, good grandma - just a crappy wife.  I have my flaws as well - but ultimately it came down to her decision and I am thanful for it or I would have stayed on in a loveless relationship indefinitely.

You both kept it together and raised kids. This is a great accomplishment and sounds like a great deal of personal sacrifice has been made (by both of you).

Now is you time. You have been given a gift.

A good job, freedom. Sit back and enjoy this. I can only imagine it will take some time for this to sink in but reading what you are saying this all sounds like it can be really great. 

 

[Judge Smails]

Better man than I am.  10 years of no emotional or physical intimacy? I take it you stayed only because of the kids.  She broke a contract.  Divorce woulda been granted - and quickly.  There's no recovering from that.  Even if you stay she's got the upper hand - all the time.  Go out and enjoy yourself now amigo!

By the way. Otis still yo yo-ing.  Buncha people have been banned.  No EG or Arizona Ron stories these days.  Go into the political thread only if you like misery.  

 

[Joe Bryant]

By the way. Otis still yo yo-ing.  Buncha people have been banned.  No EG or Arizona Ron stories these days.  Go into the political thread only if you like misery.  

Agree on all except the bold. A few people were suspended after tons of warnings. Rest is spot on.  

 

[Jayrok]

So we met at 19, decided to get married because I was going into the Air Force after college.  

Are you me?  We were HS sweethearts, met at 16 (she was 15). I joined the Air Force at 19 and knew I was leaving the state so asked her if she wanted to get married and come along.  She gladly accepted and off we went. First assignment overseas.  So a couple of kids in a new country on our own.  Had our first child 2 years later.  My wife liked the AF life so there's a difference there. Lots of good years and a few rough ones.  Kids are gone now and we have 2 grandsons. About to move closer to them.  We get along but it feels more like we're roommates these days.  We have the same values and have been together so long we sorta think the same way about most things.  She's just nuts. 

Good luck on your fresh start. 

 

[northern exposure]

So we met at 19, decided to get married because I was going into the Air Force after college.  She got pregnant so we moved the wedding date up.  She HATED the Air Force and said we could stay married or I could stay in the Air Force.  I caved.  Moved back to Omaha have kid #2.  She never really emotionally committed to the marriage as she has a overly tight relationship to her mother so much so that even decisions we should have made as a couple went through her mom.  After kid 2 things were a little better but still no emotional intimacy.  Along came kids 3 and 4.  I was so wrapped up in being a good Dad and provider that I hardly paid attention to the lack of emotional intimacy.  Kid 5 arrived and we were done having kids.  Now she was pulling away and we felt like strangers living under the same roof.  I thought divorce was out of the question so worked my ### off to try to "make" her love me (hint that is impossible).  Once she hit 40 she decided that when our last kid graduated she was going to file for divorce and try to find happiness on her own.  Now she didn't tell ME this until the divorce actually went down.  Those last ten years were the worst.  No emotional intimacy, no physical intimacy and for the most part not much more than contemp...but again I tried my best to make it work (I was a fool).  So, no cheating, no alcoholism or drug use, no abuse - just a person in a marriage that didn't value the marriage.  I wish her well.  She is a good Mom, good grandma - just a crappy wife.  I have my flaws as well - but ultimately it came down to her decision and I am thanful for it or I would have stayed on in a loveless relationship indefinitely.

Wow, deciding at 40 she wants a divorce and then waiting it out until the last kid graduates to spring it on you? That's cold-hearted. As for "staying together for the kids", don't do it. Kids aren't stupid. So, unless the parents are on the Meryl Streep/Daniel Day-Lewis level of actors, the kids know something is up. There is tension in the air and you aren't role modeling a healthy marriage for the kids.

My parents "stayed together for the kids" and then got divorced when I got engaged to my now wife. My Mom thought I would be shocked, I told her I had been expecting it for years.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

I almost forgot- you need to get a badge.

 

[Mr. Know-It-All]

Thanks - I seem to recall you talking about this years ago.  I hope you are in a better place.  To your last sentence.  Do you think you stayed in it this long and would have continued due to the commitment, religious, kids?

One final thing.  I guess my piqued my interest was your comment about there being no issues.  Maybe it's semantics but years or no physical and emotional intimacy are huge issues, IMO. 

ETA - and it could have been I was reading something not there.  You said amicable and nothing sordid - I guess have that additional context helps me understand.  Totally makes sense to me now.

Yeah - so I was raised hard core catholic and divorce wasn't even a consideration.  I was pretty pissed when I found out she knew ten years ago and then dumped it on me now that i'm in my 50s. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination - but I put other people first to a fault and that is what burned me in this marriage.  I ignored all the warning signs knowingly but thinking somehow someway it was going to change.  But every day when I was thinking it was steak day, it was still the same old turd sandwich.  So while she is not a nice person, I was also allowing it to happen.  Thanks God that is in the past (it will be final on Oct 5 - we have a waiting period in Nebraska after papers are filed).