World’s Worst Superheroes #9
Woman In Chains
Artist - Tears for Fears (1989)
Strengths - Has developed incredible core strength from her extensive resistance training (always walking around with all those chains on); can be a nice way to spice things up in the bedroom if you are both into that kind of thing
Weaknesses - Heavy chains tend to slow her down and limit her mobility; clinking of chains makes it hard for her to sneak up on people; minimal use of her arms or legs; has forgotten her safe word
There Goes My Hero
Situation - You have stowed away on the greatest, sturdiest luxury ship of its time. Unfortunately, the unsinkable has done the unthinkable and crashed into an iceberg. You’re floating in the frigid waters of the North Atlantic, but need rescue asap before all is lost.
You: [head barely above water, body shivering uncontrollably] “I can’t believe my girlfriend bailed on me. Damn you, Rich Girl! Somebody save me!”
Woman In Chains: [floating nearby in her lifeboat] “What is that I hear? Somebody somewhere is trying to breathe.”
You: [flailing loudly] “Over here, Woman In Chains! Rich Girl selfishly thought that big huge door she was floating on could only fit one person so she pushed me off into the icy water. Hurry up!”
WIC: [struggling to paddle over with just one hand since her arms are all chained up] “I’m going as fast as I can! Here, try to grab my hand!”
You: “I can’t reach, you have to lean over the side of the boat more!”
WIC: [starts leaning over, but the weight of her chains starts to make the lifeboat tip over] “Oh no!”
You: [holding onto her hand as the boat flips over] “I feel hopelessly weighed down by your eyes (and arms and legs and torso) of steel!”
KERPLUNK!!! You and Woman In Chains sink to the bottom of the ocean together as
My Heart Will Go On starts to play.