Why must you whore for such attention? Why would you declare war in this time of beautiful peace? I prefer to make love, but if I must, I will send my unit into battle. I must warn you, I am brilliantly trained in hand to hand and staff to staff combat. I know all the tactics of Sextus Julius Frontinus, and I fear no ill climax.
My battle unit is ready to attack. The rougher the ground, the better. The sun shines brightly behind me, dazzling you as it reflects off my gold lamé armor. There is strong wind blowing from me to you, giving advantage to my missiles and blinding you with dust. I extend my line as much as possible, while trying not to leave too much distance between the ranks. I remove my stockings, and my foot soldiers advance on your forward position.
You attempt to outflank me and approach from the rear, but my cavalry, initially weakened, was quickly stiffened with lightly armed foot soldiers. I hold my gladius low and use it with short but powerful thrusts, over and over again. Eventually, your defenses succumb to my will, and I take you there on the battlefield. The battle has ended for today, but I look forward to many fruitful encounters in the future. Another day, limp foe.