My dad is dying and I don’t know how to handle it (1 Viewer)

[Ministry of Pain]

Thanks for the unbelievably kind words everybody. I truly appreciate it.


So my dad did die yesterday. The night before I visited with him before he went to hospice. My sister told me a few days before that he was hallucinating some (he thought he saw a cat walk by) but he also told my sister he didn’t know why I was mad at him. I wasn’t, at least not now, but I went in there afterwards and held his hand and told him I wasn’t mad at him. He said “will you accept my apology, I apologize” over and over and I told him I did. They moved him to hospice that night and he died 12 hours later. I told him I’d take my two sons to see him there but he was gone before my oldest even got out of school. If I knew it was that imminent I would have held him out. Oh well.

My wife is convinced our talk is what allowed him to go off. That makes me sad but I’m glad we had it and it gave him peace.


I write when I get emotional and I wrote a lot about my dad. I might post it on a Substack but not sure I’ll share it where my sister will see it. It’s not bad or anything, I dunno it just may bother her some. Maybe I’ll post it here first for a test drive before I do that.


Anyways thanks again to you all for allowing me to get this out and all the wonderful words. I do love that we have this here. I’ll be fine, it’s Christmas week and I have my family.

I have not stopped thinking about you, this story is so personal for me and I didn't want to write one of my lengthy posts
This is about you.

-I agree 100% with your wife that your father was hanging on until he could make peace with you
Nothing but positive vibes your way Cap, you did a good thing

 

[Capella]

Tough read. I had similar experiences that I will talk about later.

I know the bitterness, I lived with it. I can change a few lines in your post and it would be much like mine. Due to my past feelings my dad and I hardly spoke. Never did he go to any of my events, or tell me he was proud, nothing. My mom went to everything. I had 7 sports letters in HS and he came to maybe one game. To nutshell it he got cancer when I was 18 and passed when I was 20.

I had a very hard time letting go of my anger toward him and I was never alone with him, it was always my sisters or my mom there so we never talked one on one. Then one day towards the end I came to the hospital and when I went into his room I was the only one there. My mom had left for something. So I sat in the chair and made small talk and he asked me to come over and put his arms out like to hug me, something that had never done before and he started crying about his regrets as a father, and how much he loved me and how proud he was of me.

Now I had already built up this shield around me towards him so it was very difficult and at 20 I was stubborn.

So then he asked if I could ever forgive him..at that point I said yes I do. I did not want to carry on my anger any longer. It was not much longer after that he passed away.

It took me years to try and figure things out as to why things were the way they were. Sometimes you never do. Then I realized he had a really tough upbringing. Grew up dirt poor, all he did was work a ton of hours at low paying jobs. Sad thing he lost sight in one eye in the service due to an accident, even as a certified welder he failed physicals to get into the Big 3 in Detroit area where he would have made a decent living. Instead he worked at small shops for half the wages of his friends doing the same job. So he carried a lot of resentment. Things that I did not understand until I had a family.

All i can say at this point just try to let it go. Let it go for yourself. Let it go so you can move on. I wish I could have done that years earlier than I did.

Thanks for sharing. Really appreciate it. Powerful story. Sounds similar.

 

[Capella]

My sister and I spent parts of Christmas Eve going through his stuff. He kept SO many letters. We often (jokingly, but not really) said his mother was one of two people he truly loved in his life and we found a letter from her in 1974 absolutely pleading with him to stop drinking, womanizing, to get a steady job and marry that woman he’d been dating (turned out to be my mom).

Kind of crazy to read a letter from 50 years ago and realize he did none of those things. He wasn’t even 30 then, had his entire life in front of him.

My uncle told me a story that a year after I was born, my mom would be calling all the local bars looking for my dad to get him to come home. The bartender would answer, hold the phone out, yell “IS THERE A GEORGE HERE?” - everybody would yell no and he’d hang up. My dad was sitting right there. So anyways.

 

[Joe Bryant]

Thanks for the unbelievably kind words everybody. I truly appreciate it.


So my dad did die yesterday. The night before I visited with him before he went to hospice. My sister told me a few days before that he was hallucinating some (he thought he saw a cat walk by) but he also told my sister he didn’t know why I was mad at him. I wasn’t, at least not now, but I went in there afterwards and held his hand and told him I wasn’t mad at him. He said “will you accept my apology, I apologize” over and over and I told him I did. They moved him to hospice that night and he died 12 hours later. I told him I’d take my two sons to see him there but he was gone before my oldest even got out of school. If I knew it was that imminent I would have held him out. Oh well.

My wife is convinced our talk is what allowed him to go off. That makes me sad but I’m glad we had it and it gave him peace.


I write when I get emotional and I wrote a lot about my dad. I might post it on a Substack but not sure I’ll share it where my sister will see it. It’s not bad or anything, I dunno it just may bother her some. Maybe I’ll post it here first for a test drive before I do that.


Anyways thanks again to you all for allowing me to get this out and all the wonderful words. I do love that we have this here. I’ll be fine, it’s Christmas week and I have my family.

Aw Man. I'm sorry GB.

And I'm sorry I missed your post on this. I think your wife could well be right in a talk like that can allow them the "freedom" to pass. I'm sorry you had the situation before but I'm happy you got to have that talk at the end. That's a gift so many people do not receive.

Hang in there and continue to do the best you can. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family.

 

[Grace Under Pressure]

So my dad did die yesterday.

Sorry to hear this. Thoughts out to you and your family.

 

[Capella]

I mentioned the other day about how I write when I’m sad. Well, I hit publish on this this morning and sent it to my sister and she told me she loved it.

He Had A Name

It’s Christmas week and my dad is dying.

open.substack.com

I also sent it to my uncle, his brother, who wrote me an email that “it brought back all the memories of my dad. They never realized all the grief they gave their sons.”

Again, thanks for all the nice words in here. I read all of them and deeply appreciate it. We are going to being the process of getting his place cleaned out tomorrow and hopefully begin moving forward. Thanks all.

 

[Joe Bryant]

I mentioned the other day about how I write when I’m sad. Well, I hit publish on this this morning and sent it to my sister and she told me she loved it.

He Had A Name

It’s Christmas week and my dad is dying.

open.substack.com

I also sent it to my uncle, his brother, who wrote me an email that “it brought back all the memories of my dad. They never realized all the grief they gave their sons.”

Again, thanks for all the nice words in here. I read all of them and deeply appreciate it. We are going to being the process of getting his place cleaned out tomorrow and hopefully begin moving forward. Thanks all.

Well done. You're a talented writer. I'm glad you were able to document the moment like that and that's especially great your sister and uncle loved it. Well done and peace and grace to you as you move forward.

 

[ChiefD]

I mentioned the other day about how I write when I’m sad. Well, I hit publish on this this morning and sent it to my sister and she told me she loved it.

He Had A Name

It’s Christmas week and my dad is dying.

open.substack.com

I also sent it to my uncle, his brother, who wrote me an email that “it brought back all the memories of my dad. They never realized all the grief they gave their sons.”

Again, thanks for all the nice words in here. I read all of them and deeply appreciate it. We are going to being the process of getting his place cleaned out tomorrow and hopefully begin moving forward. Thanks all.

That was wonderful.

 

[BlackCrowes]

Very sorry for your loss Cap

 

[rockaction]

I mentioned the other day about how I write when I’m sad. Well, I hit publish on this this morning and sent it to my sister and she told me she loved it.

He Had A Name

It’s Christmas week and my dad is dying.

open.substack.com

I also sent it to my uncle, his brother, who wrote me an email that “it brought back all the memories of my dad. They never realized all the grief they gave their sons.”

Again, thanks for all the nice words in here. I read all of them and deeply appreciate it. We are going to being the process of getting his place cleaned out tomorrow and hopefully begin moving forward. Thanks all.

Nice piece, Cap. Now you have Croce in my head.

Movin’ me down the highway

 

[Atomic Punk]

Excellent work on your writing. I’m both sorry and happy for you . The loss of your father is obviously tough but I also sense of peace in your words. Reconciling the past and acknowledging the decisions you’ve made differently … and the man you’ve become … are incredibly powerful.

Thanks for sharing … peace to you and your family as you manage your way through this.

 

[coopersdad]

sorry for your loss, but congratulations on your ability to grow and prosper.

I had an "good" relationship with my "dad", but never knew my "father" (biological). I'm sure deep down inside this affects me somehow.

The best line from your "story" (from many I may add) was this:

I’ll be ********ed if my kids think anything other than man we had the best dad ever.

 

[KarmaPolice]

Been thinking about you and this thread quite a bit the last few days. We just started the process for hospice care for my father who lives with us on Christmas Eve. Not going to clog up your thread with that, but wanted to pop in to say sorry for your loss and that your writing was touching and inspiring. It seems during the process you were able to find some peace and an outlet for your thoughts, and wanted to thank you for sharing it all.

 

[Capella]

I mentioned the other day about how I write when I’m sad. Well, I hit publish on this this morning and sent it to my sister and she told me she loved it.

He Had A Name

It’s Christmas week and my dad is dying.

open.substack.com

I also sent it to my uncle, his brother, who wrote me an email that “it brought back all the memories of my dad. They never realized all the grief they gave their sons.”

Again, thanks for all the nice words in here. I read all of them and deeply appreciate it. We are going to being the process of getting his place cleaned out tomorrow and hopefully begin moving forward. Thanks all.

Well done. You're a talented writer. I'm glad you were able to document the moment like that and that's especially great your sister and uncle loved it. Well done and peace and grace to you as you move forward.

Thanks Joe.

 

[Capella]

I mentioned the other day about how I write when I’m sad. Well, I hit publish on this this morning and sent it to my sister and she told me she loved it.

He Had A Name

It’s Christmas week and my dad is dying.

open.substack.com

I also sent it to my uncle, his brother, who wrote me an email that “it brought back all the memories of my dad. They never realized all the grief they gave their sons.”

Again, thanks for all the nice words in here. I read all of them and deeply appreciate it. We are going to being the process of getting his place cleaned out tomorrow and hopefully begin moving forward. Thanks all.

Nice piece, Cap. Now you have Croce in my head.

Movin’ me down the highway

You Don’t Mess Around With Jim

 

[Capella]

Excellent work on your writing. I’m both sorry and happy for you . The loss of your father is obviously tough but I also sense of peace in your words. Reconciling the past and acknowledging the decisions you’ve made differently … and the man you’ve become … are incredibly powerful.

Thanks for sharing … peace to you and your family as you manage your way through this.

Thanks for the kind words everybody.

 

[Capella]

Been thinking about you and this thread quite a bit the last few days. We just started the process for hospice care for my father who lives with us on Christmas Eve. Not going to clog up your thread with that, but wanted to pop in to say sorry for your loss and that your writing was touching and inspiring. It seems during the process you were able to find some peace and an outlet for your thoughts, and wanted to thank you for sharing it all.

Man I’m really sorry to hear about your dad. If you need to talk or discuss anything I am here. Wishing the best for you and your family.

 

[AAABatteries]

Don't want to start a new thread for this but as many of us will have happen, my dad is dying. Stage 4 lung and liver cancer. Found out Saturday that it was suspected - drove to Florida to be with him and got confirmation on stage and current prognosis. 3-6 months with no treatment and he will not do chemo. My Dad is a good guy and is at peace with going - he's 76. Smoked almost all his adult life and was a fireman He's old enough to have been in the department before they brought in masks and made them mandatory. It's unreal to me they would fight fires without masks. Truly some big balls on those guys.

He and I didn't have the same issues as Cappy and his dad but we were not super close. Standard story of parents divorcing and then he wasn't in the picture as much. We never didn't get along and he never did anything bad, but he wasn't around at times and even the last 25 years when he had grandkids he stayed in Florida.

 

[General Malaise]

Sorry for your loss, GB. :(

 

[El Floppo]

Don't want to start a new thread for this but as many of us will have happen, my dad is dying. Stage 4 lung and liver cancer. Found out Saturday that it was suspected - drove to Florida to be with him and got confirmation on stage and current prognosis. 3-6 months with no treatment and he will not do chemo. My Dad is a good guy and is at peace with going - he's 76. Smoked almost all his adult life and was a fireman He's old enough to have been in the department before they brought in masks and made them mandatory. It's unreal to me they would fight fires without masks. Truly some big balls on those guys.

He and I didn't have the same issues as Cappy and his dad but we were not super close. Standard story of parents divorcing and then he wasn't in the picture as much. We never didn't get along and he never did anything bad, but he wasn't around at times and even the last 25 years when he had grandkids he stayed in Florida.

So sorry gb. :(

Thank him for me. Such an amazing profession... I've lost a firefighter HS friend to similar issues. They do so much for all of us... Sucks so many of them get undone by job-relatedn respiratory and carcinogen8c things.

 

[higgins]

Sorry, AAA

 

[SWC]

my heart goes out to all of you guys for real lost a dad and i get it stay strong and i hope you can find peace

 

[msudaisy26]

My heart goes out to everyone AAA, Capella etc. Losing parents is tough on everyone, but it definitely adds a layer when you have a strained relationship with someone that is supposed to love you unconditionally.

As someone that will most likely be in the same boat one day I want to thank you all for sharing your stories. I am sure I will search and reread this thread for advice one day.

 

[Judge Smails]

So so sorry AAA

 

[Joe Bryant]

Don't want to start a new thread for this but as many of us will have happen, my dad is dying. Stage 4 lung and liver cancer. Found out Saturday that it was suspected - drove to Florida to be with him and got confirmation on stage and current prognosis. 3-6 months with no treatment and he will not do chemo. My Dad is a good guy and is at peace with going - he's 76. Smoked almost all his adult life and was a fireman He's old enough to have been in the department before they brought in masks and made them mandatory. It's unreal to me they would fight fires without masks. Truly some big balls on those guys.

He and I didn't have the same issues as Cappy and his dad but we were not super close. Standard story of parents divorcing and then he wasn't in the picture as much. We never didn't get along and he never did anything bad, but he wasn't around at times and even the last 25 years when he had grandkids he stayed in Florida.

I'm sorry, GB. My dad was the same way about not doing chemo and I can totally respect that.

Hang in there and I'm praying for peace and comfort and wisdom as you navigate this super difficult time.

 

[Northern Voice]

I was banned for a while, so just seeing this now Cappy, sorry for your loss and at the same time happy/hopeful you feel some resolution with how it all happened in the end.


It definitely hit home with me, my dad was also named George, also born in 1945. Also an alcoholic, also had sports and music in common.

He was a great person though. Caring husband to my mom, loving father to me, told me he loved me all the time and he absolutely did. But just couldn't get past the drinking and eating, so overweight and a bottle a day, he was gone at 64, I was a late baby, so I was only 25.


I blame him for dying mostly, because of the every night bottle of rye and bag of chips and I think as a result I've never really grieved properly. My wife lost her dad recently and it devastated her, where I always expected my dad to die. Thinking about my golden retriever who died needlessly and unexpectedly makes me so much sadder than thinking about my own father, who was incredible, which is not right.

Which I think is mostly just to say, a lot of us have a lot of issues around our parents and their mortality and this thread is helpful to express and grapple with the issues around it.

Cheers.

 

[Cowboysfan8]

sorry AAA

 

[Dr_Zaius]

Don't want to start a new thread for this but as many of us will have happen, my dad is dying. Stage 4 lung and liver cancer. Found out Saturday that it was suspected - drove to Florida to be with him and got confirmation on stage and current prognosis. 3-6 months with no treatment and he will not do chemo. My Dad is a good guy and is at peace with going - he's 76. Smoked almost all his adult life and was a fireman He's old enough to have been in the department before they brought in masks and made them mandatory. It's unreal to me they would fight fires without masks. Truly some big balls on those guys.

So sorry to hear this. My dad was late 50s when he found out had Stage 4 lung cancer that had spread to his brain and hip by the time he was diagnosed. On the bolded, I vividly remember one of the doctors suggesting that he just not do anything other than palliative care, which at the time struck me as crazy. He managed to live about 15 months post diagnosis, which was more than the median, but it wasn't always great quality of life as chemo and radiation put him through the wringer. Obviously we'll never know how much time his treatment bought him (we got two Christmases which was nice), but on the other side of it I understand the thought process of forgoing chemo. Best wishes for you and your family.

 

[Capella]

I was banned for a while, so just seeing this now Cappy, sorry for your loss and at the same time happy/hopeful you feel some resolution with how it all happened in the end.


It definitely hit home with me, my dad was also named George, also born in 1945. Also an alcoholic, also had sports and music in common.

He was a great person though. Caring husband to my mom, loving father to me, told me he loved me all the time and he absolutely did. But just couldn't get past the drinking and eating, so overweight and a bottle a day, he was gone at 64, I was a late baby, so I was only 25.


I blame him for dying mostly, because of the every night bottle of rye and bag of chips and I think as a result I've never really grieved properly. My wife lost her dad recently and it devastated her, where I always expected my dad to die. Thinking about my golden retriever who died needlessly and unexpectedly makes me so much sadder than thinking about my own father, who was incredible, which is not right.

Which I think is mostly just to say, a lot of us have a lot of issues around our parents and their mortality and this thread is helpful to express and grapple with the issues around it.

Cheers.

Thanks for sharing. Sorry about your loss. Glad you had so many great memories with him.

 

[Grace Under Pressure]

Don't want to start a new thread for this but as many of us will have happen, my dad is dying. Stage 4 lung and liver cancer. Found out Saturday that it was suspected - drove to Florida to be with him and got confirmation on stage and current prognosis. 3-6 months with no treatment and he will not do chemo. My Dad is a good guy and is at peace with going - he's 76. Smoked almost all his adult life and was a fireman He's old enough to have been in the department before they brought in masks and made them mandatory. It's unreal to me they would fight fires without masks. Truly some big balls on those guys.

He and I didn't have the same issues as Cappy and his dad but we were not super close. Standard story of parents divorcing and then he wasn't in the picture as much. We never didn't get along and he never did anything bad, but he wasn't around at times and even the last 25 years when he had grandkids he stayed in Florida.

Very sorry to hear this AAA. Thoughts out to you and your family.

 

[AAABatteries]

My father passed away tonight. Less than two weeks from official diagnosis to passing. He went peacefully and is no longer suffering. Love you, Pop.

 

[brun]

My father passed away tonight. Less than two weeks from official diagnosis to passing. He went peacefully and is no longer suffering. Love you, Pop.

My condolences.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

He went peacefully

I'm so glad for this and so sorry for your loss.

 

[Atomic Punk]

My father passed away tonight. Less than two weeks from official diagnosis to passing. He went peacefully and is no longer suffering. Love you, Pop.

Sorry for your loss. So many of us seem to be in this phase of our lives. We know it is a part of life, but it still remains such a hard thing to accept.

I wish all of those going through this nothing but peace. Take care of yourselves and those you love.

 

[Joe Bryant]

My father passed away tonight. Less than two weeks from official diagnosis to passing. He went peacefully and is no longer suffering. Love you, Pop.

I'm sorry GB. I'm glad y'all had time together at the end.

 

[Ramblin Wreck]

My father passed away tonight. Less than two weeks from official diagnosis to passing. He went peacefully and is no longer suffering. Love you, Pop.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

My father passed away tonight. Less than two weeks from official diagnosis to passing. He went peacefully and is no longer suffering. Love you, Pop.

My condolences, GB.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

My father passed away tonight. Less than two weeks from official diagnosis to passing. He went peacefully and is no longer suffering. Love you, Pop.

Stage 4 liver cancer is unforgiving. Very sorry for your loss, but thankful he didn't have to suffer some of what it can bring.

 

[Judge Smails]

So sorry AAA. Very tough. Glad it was peaceful