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That's what it takes. She needs to become aware she's got problems that she's not dealing with effectively and needs help to solve. Until that point she'll just keep going on like she has.
I've been to counseling three times in my life. I went a few times in 2004 at the urging of my then wife (now divorced) due to severe depression and some major drama going on in my life. One of the very first things this professional asked me was "how often are you working out", to which I replied "not at all". He gave me a trial rx of Zoloft and I took it hoping it would end the depression and get my life back on track. I also started working out with some regularity (late night walks, nothing too taxing). Well, I hated the Zoloft and couldn't wait to get it out of my system. The exercise did more for me and eventually, I pulled out of my funk without having to visit the therapist more than 3 total times.I went to marriage counselling with my then wife in 2005 to try and save our marriage. We went a total of 3-4 times and it helped a little, but not much. We both wanted different things from each other and while we were able to survive together for 2 more years, we just never could get on the same page and eventually we split in Dec. 2007. But I do think the marriage counselling was important and I'm glad we did it. Even if it didn't lead to a happy, long, fulfilling marriage with her, it allowed us to see that we just weren't right for each other.During the divorce process in the fall of 2007, I again went to see a therapist, a different one. I was back to being severely depressed and was at a point where all I wanted to do was drink myself to sleep and I didn't care if I ever woke back up. It was the bleakest I've ever been in my life. One of the first things the guy asked me (after I begged him for pills to make me not depressed) was how much I was working out. "Not at all" I said. And he told me what I already knew and that was people who exercise regularly 3-4 times a week are far less likely to develop depression and is a natural way to stave off depression without the interaction of anti-depressants. So I started training for a half marathon soon after and have been exercising with some regularity ever since. When I start to feel mopey or sad, I ask myself "well, are you exercising regularly" and if I'm not, I hit the pavement, hit the gym or - as of a few months ago - hit the bike. This long rambling diatribe is just another effort to say that depression can (in many cases) be combated with regular exercise. And if your wife is willing to read this or anything related to this subject, perhaps she'll give it a try. But you can't make her do it. That's the rub, right? I feel for you. If she gives counselling a try, I would bet the therapist would tell her to work out regularly before writing a script. All I got. Good luck, man.
My ex-wife threatened to leave me if I didn't go to counselling that first time. That's what it took to get me there. We had two very small kids at the time and I was terrified of breaking the marriage up, even though I hated it and at times, hated her. It's scary taking the plunge and before I went, I was dead set against it. But I was pushed into it and I'm glad I went. FWIW.
That's why I said he needs to tell her either she gets into therapy or he leaves. Most people need to realize they've hit bottom or have some kind of shock applied before they can be motivated to get therapy. And by therapy I'm not talking psychiatrist, I'm talking psychologist.
Have not read the entire thread, but if she doesn't want to help herself, there's nothing he can possibly do to help her. If this is the case, the only thing that could possibly help her is for the OP to be the best he can be everyday.
I agree. I mean support/encourage counseling, get blood tests to see if there's a medical condition etc. I was just responding to a flippant post above.
I'm still right there with you man. I don't necessarily get the negativity from her, but we're pretty much completely in roommates who take care of children mode. We discussed the issues a couple of months back, said she knew she needed to focus on herself for a while. I told her I'd support her in whatever she needed to do. Find a hobby, exercise, spend more time with friends...whatever. I think literally not one thing changed. I'd say I don't care, but it totally messes with my attitude and mood. It's been a difficult few years.'Invaded? said:
Is he seriously thinking of leaving? Because he hasn't said that in the thread. And making an empty threat probably isn't a very good idea.
How I missed this I do not know. This could be me to a tee outside of the work part. My wife works constantly. Anxious to read the recommendations here!
He hasn't said it doesn't mean he doesn't think it. Staying for the kids just doesn't work and he's getting there sooner rather than later.
No she has not. I'm not really familiar with how it can affect things, I'll have to read up.
That's a good attitude.I know this may sound silly, but remember back to when you courted her. I'm sure you would have done anything to impress her back then. Holding open car doors, little gifts, flowers...Try to think of this the same way. Challenge yourself to help her and do whatever it takes if you really want this. Make her breakfest in bed (bagel and fruit, yogurt...). Surprise her some night with a candlelight dinner of fish and vegetables. Take her to some park near you every other night and go for a walk holding her hand.You can do it, and in a way that makes her feel good and want to suceed. It is work, but in the end, you'll both be happier.
In my experience this approach leads to a lot of severe unhappiness, frustration and conflict.
This is a good perspective and I'm glad you posted. I do think fat husband/attractive wife is a somewhat easier situation to deal with than the reverse. At least it's way more common.
What exactly do you mean by it "just doesn't work"?
Great perspective and committment. I applaud this. I have no idea how it would go over, but could you say something to the effect like you did in this last sentence?
You're right about that.When my wife told me she wanted me to lose weight to look like I used, I got offended, upset, but it didn't lead me to change.When my wife told me she wanted me to lose weight to be healthier for her and our son, I got sad, but it didn't lead me to change.When she started cooking me healthy meals and packing healthier foods for lunch and picking different place to go out to eat, it really did help, to a certain degree.In the end, it wasn't until I commited to change that things really started happening. However, seeing her walk the walk for me, and not just talk, did give me motivation. I felt if she was willing to do extra, take time and make effort to help me get healthy, I was letting her down if I didn't take advantage.In the end, I do agree that 95% of it is on the individual to make the change, but in the OPs situation, he seems unwilling to let life continue in this manner, so one choice he has is to assist with actions. It might not work, but it's something I'd personally give a shot before I choose a path of divorce or something similiar.
For most people, staying together for the kids isn't a good idea. They try for a while and they fail. For the few that succeed, the kids grow up with the weirdest idea of what marriage is and have a hard time with their own relationship. I've known several people who wished their parents would just have divorced, so they could have at least seen their parents happy. There are cases where people work through it but in my experience, not many.
I haven't read the entire thread or if I have, I can't recall, but would you two be able to attend something like Body Pump together? These are great work outs and typically, not too much money to join one. My wife and I did this together before she got pregnant and we both loved it. She might feel better going if you go with her. Can somebody watch your kids while you go? Maybe get a sitter 2 times a week? I really like what Larry Allen said above regarding his condition...he hasn't shed a bunch of weight, but he is healthier. That should be goal number one. Weight might be slow to melt away, but getting in better shape will really help a lot, IMO. If you go with her, it might help with her confidence and once the ball gets rolling, I bet she'll really enjoy it.
The OP says he's already practicing good habits.'proninja said:
Would the OP's wife be happy if she was divorced? It seems like it would make her less happy. I agree that staying together for the kids is unworkable if you're a couple that's constantly fighting and yelling at each other. But that's not the way I understand his relationship.
Perhaps I've missed it in here, but what would you suggest?
I don't know if she would be happy if they divorced, but she's not happy now either. This is gonna sound weird, but I'd rather be in a relationship were I fought and yelled. Then at least both parties care enough to fight and yell. If I ever felt like my husband was indifferent to me, I think it'd be worse.
Yeah, I think both of us hoped for and expected a different type of marriage. But it feels like there's no way to get there from where we are now. So we're faced with either continuing a less satisfying marriage, or ending it and dealing with the consequences of that choice. Neither option is what we would have wanted.
I think you guys can get there BUT it'll take both of you to really work at it. It sounds like your wife doesn't realize how unhappy you are and she needs a serious wake up call before she'll take action. I know that you've been supportive but at a certain point, it's not helping. I don't know what the answers are but I wish you luck.
Lost almost 20 pounds since August using this. I'm lazy so no real exercise, but just monitoring calorie intake has kept me from sitting down in front of the TV and eating a dozen mini chocolate bars.
Thanks for the good wishes. We've had a bunch of conversations where I've expressed my unhappiness although I try to be careful not to say certain things that can't be unsaid. I'm not willing to give her a "serious wake up call" if that means threatening divorce.
Are you a psychiatrist? Because this is simplistic brilliance.
Does she have a good friend that is overweight or lost a lot of weight? My wife has helped motivate a friend that was morbidly obeast. Where the husband was not successful a good GF was able to get the motor into gear. It has been off and on with that friend because she recently had another baby, but I always see them on FB discussing time frames and goals when she gets off maternity leave.
Didn't know there was another level of obesity in Louisiana?
