ghostguy123
Footballguy
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My wife thinks I have a drinking problem.... (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Bull Dozier
- Start date
ghostguy123
Footballguy
Not one part can be looked at on own. The whole picture has to be taken into account.
Your questions are incredibly general and cant be answered without writing about 100,000 words. Do you have any specific questions?
jwb
Footballguy
I have seen this too - there are some people who only need a drink or two to have a personality change. And it's a change that might not be obvious to the room (e.g., there's no slurring, stumbling, etc.), but it's obvious to those close to them. I dated a girl once who would get a little... nasty (not in a good way) after maybe a drink and a half. She never really got obviously drunk, and other people probably didn't notice a difference in her behavior, but she simply wasn't fun for me to be around. So every time she had a drink - even one - I would cringe a little.bigmarc27 said:
I've always been of the opinion it is not up to the drinker (no matter how much or how little) to determine how they act, or how others see them.
That said, it does seem like the OP's wife is a bit excessive here. But maybe drinking is her line in the sand, for whatever reason?
KCitons
Footballguy
I can relate to some of your explanations from a personal experience. My step FIL drinks in excess multiple times a week. He's hurt himself numerous times due to falling down. He's had multiple DUI's and currently has his license revoked. He hides booze in different places around the house. He thinks he's fooling everyone. By contrast, my Dad drank 2-3 beers every night after work. (and more on the weekends) He's never hurt himself or someone else. I know he used to drive under the influence when we were kids, but stopped doing so later in life. Now that he's almost 80, he has 3-4 beers a week. When I think back, I wonder if he self medicated at the end of each day. I don't know if he could have stopped back then. It was part of his daily routine.ghostguy123 said:
I only consider(ed) one of these people as being an alcoholic. Because one never caused an outward problem. How would you define those two?
It seems to me this is one of those things that just needs a lot more detail. It might make for good thread material, but for the real question, lots more has to be known.
Is it a thing where she's saying, "OMG - One drink a month means you're an alcoholic!!!"
Or is it, "I fully get it you don't drink too much and you're well within what's considered normal. I just have some stuff of my own to where even one drink a month seems like a problem. Can we talk about it?"
Those are miles apart.
Plus, are there lots more issues like this that feel irrational? Or is this the only one?
Lots of variables.
In general for the big picture, compromise and realizing it's not all about you is a significant part of being an adult. And especially being a spouse. I know you guys are joking on some of the harsher stuff, but there's also some truth on the other side.
Finding that balance where both sides are considerate of the other and compromise is key without one side running over the other constantly is tricky.
Is it a thing where she's saying, "OMG - One drink a month means you're an alcoholic!!!"
Or is it, "I fully get it you don't drink too much and you're well within what's considered normal. I just have some stuff of my own to where even one drink a month seems like a problem. Can we talk about it?"
Those are miles apart.
Plus, are there lots more issues like this that feel irrational? Or is this the only one?
Lots of variables.
In general for the big picture, compromise and realizing it's not all about you is a significant part of being an adult. And especially being a spouse. I know you guys are joking on some of the harsher stuff, but there's also some truth on the other side.
Finding that balance where both sides are considerate of the other and compromise is key without one side running over the other constantly is tricky.
Da Guru
Fair & Balanced
My whole life growing up my dad would come home from work and sit at the kitchen table and have 2 beers..this was every night. Never more. My mom always put 2 beers in the fridge for him. He would sit there and drink his 2 beers (Strohs) in about 30 minutes while reading The Detroit News. Then we would eat dinner.
On weekends it was pretty much the same. 2-3 beers. I only saw him drunk one time and that was at a wake for his father/ my grandfather.
DallasDMac
Footballguy
Same with my dad, but it was one beer. Always one, never saw him have two. Never ever saw him even close to anything I could call drunk. And I certainly never saw my mother utter one word of complaint about it. I guess she figured as long as he was a good father and provider, she had nothing to complain about. Something that apparently alludes the OP's spouse.
NotSmart
Footballguy
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
I haven't caught up on all the posts since Friday (wow, this is definitely my most successful thread in a decade here), but I wanted to give the update of what the story is.
We never had a conversation about it over the weekend, but Sunday night came. She and my oldest went into the porch to watch the Grammys. I hate award shows so I settled in the living room to catch up on the DVR. I poured myself a drink (analyze that decision how you want). She came in a saw me with a drink and says it pisses her off when I have a drink on a random night because when she was a kid, her mom would "open a bottle of wine and drink until she passed out on the couch." Now, she has mentioned that her mom will drink too much when she occasionally goes out to eat with her, but she's never told me this story. I tried to have a converstion about it, but I challenged her why she never said anything before about it, but it wasn't overly productive. Bullet points:
We never had a conversation about it over the weekend, but Sunday night came. She and my oldest went into the porch to watch the Grammys. I hate award shows so I settled in the living room to catch up on the DVR. I poured myself a drink (analyze that decision how you want). She came in a saw me with a drink and says it pisses her off when I have a drink on a random night because when she was a kid, her mom would "open a bottle of wine and drink until she passed out on the couch." Now, she has mentioned that her mom will drink too much when she occasionally goes out to eat with her, but she's never told me this story. I tried to have a converstion about it, but I challenged her why she never said anything before about it, but it wasn't overly productive. Bullet points:
- She said it never came up before, because i haven't been having random drinks until the last year or two.
- She claims she has made a deal out of it the whole time, but the problem is that she is extremely passive aggressive, so her making a deal about it and letting me know it bothers her is that she's said "oh, you're having a drink tonight?" That was supposed to be my message that it bothered her to this level. And that when I said "I'm stressed from work" and she said nothing I was supposed to know something from that.
- It doesn't bother her when I have several drinks in social situations, only when I have one at home on a weeknight (this I find inconsistent, but out converstion was ceasing to be productive so I didn't push the issue).
Johnny Rock
Footballguy
Is any night really random? There are only seven nights!
Jaysus
Good times!
god, I hope you chugged your drink and slammed the empty glass on the table at some point in that conversation.
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
This was a joke.
Sorry, I'm usually not on over the weekend.Alex P Keaton said:
Not sure what this means...
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
Random thoughts in response to some issues brought up (I don't want to post 500 quoted posts and have a million conversation strings going on to catch up)
-We'll have a longer conversation to see if it is something she can learn to deal with, or if its going to bother her everytime I drink. I don't think the volume I drink is worth upsetting her, I wouldn't be giving much up. That said, it is a stress releaver, so I have to find something to replace it. Particularly during basketball season, I don't have a lot of free time, so a lot of her suggestions for different things to use as a stress releaver weren't realistic (exercising, reading, taking up a hobby) because 2-4 nights a week I am doing something until 830 or 9 at night, when I just want to have a drink and crash for the limited rest of the evening. I certainly at that point don't want to exercise or start writing a journal entry.
-Some have brought up control issues. I wouldn't say that is an issue. We have a fairly good balance in our relationship, and neither is controlling by nature. Our biggest issue is we are poor communicators, but neither, in my estimation, is controlling, and other than this issue, we typically let each other do their own thing even when it is something the other doesn't take part in.
-We've gone through some rough patches in 17 years, but we are at a pretty good spot currently. This isn't anything near the realm of ending a marriage. I'd give it up without a doubt if it was a take it or leave it type thing (since she has a legitimate (from her point of view) issue of why it bothers her). It would be something to work on, but I wouldn't risk anything for a drink or two a month.
-Not that I want to bring it up to her, but I drink quite a bit more in the summer. We often grill for dinner working burgers, brats, grilled chicken into the menu as much as possible. I am the grillmaster (of the house), and I ALWAYS have a beer when I grill. I love sitting on the deck with the grill going, enjoying the peace and quit and smell of the grill. She has never said a thing about me bringing a beer out to the backyard on a weekday. Though, given the specific story of her trauma, I have a feeling it is the combination of sitting in front of the TV zoning out with the alcohol. So, I think it is really situation specific that bothers her.
-To clarify the situation, I have not been having an occasional weeknight drink the whole time. When we were first married, we were dirt poor, and having alcohol at home almost never happened for monetary reasons (I also didn't drink hard alcohol back then). We would get beer if we were having friends or family over. If there was beer left over, I would occasionally have one, but it would not be in the same situation we are talking about now.
-I don't think I'll be offering a quid pro quo to give up the weekday drinking. If it is something she can't get past (at least for now) then I'd just give it up. The only thing I will offer up to her as a compromise is for her to work on her passive agressiveness, which would have avoided the blow up (FTR, we've talked about this before and she knows full well she is passive aggressive, so its not a bolt from the blue).
-We'll have a longer conversation to see if it is something she can learn to deal with, or if its going to bother her everytime I drink. I don't think the volume I drink is worth upsetting her, I wouldn't be giving much up. That said, it is a stress releaver, so I have to find something to replace it. Particularly during basketball season, I don't have a lot of free time, so a lot of her suggestions for different things to use as a stress releaver weren't realistic (exercising, reading, taking up a hobby) because 2-4 nights a week I am doing something until 830 or 9 at night, when I just want to have a drink and crash for the limited rest of the evening. I certainly at that point don't want to exercise or start writing a journal entry.
-Some have brought up control issues. I wouldn't say that is an issue. We have a fairly good balance in our relationship, and neither is controlling by nature. Our biggest issue is we are poor communicators, but neither, in my estimation, is controlling, and other than this issue, we typically let each other do their own thing even when it is something the other doesn't take part in.
-We've gone through some rough patches in 17 years, but we are at a pretty good spot currently. This isn't anything near the realm of ending a marriage. I'd give it up without a doubt if it was a take it or leave it type thing (since she has a legitimate (from her point of view) issue of why it bothers her). It would be something to work on, but I wouldn't risk anything for a drink or two a month.
-Not that I want to bring it up to her, but I drink quite a bit more in the summer. We often grill for dinner working burgers, brats, grilled chicken into the menu as much as possible. I am the grillmaster (of the house), and I ALWAYS have a beer when I grill. I love sitting on the deck with the grill going, enjoying the peace and quit and smell of the grill. She has never said a thing about me bringing a beer out to the backyard on a weekday. Though, given the specific story of her trauma, I have a feeling it is the combination of sitting in front of the TV zoning out with the alcohol. So, I think it is really situation specific that bothers her.
-To clarify the situation, I have not been having an occasional weeknight drink the whole time. When we were first married, we were dirt poor, and having alcohol at home almost never happened for monetary reasons (I also didn't drink hard alcohol back then). We would get beer if we were having friends or family over. If there was beer left over, I would occasionally have one, but it would not be in the same situation we are talking about now.
-I don't think I'll be offering a quid pro quo to give up the weekday drinking. If it is something she can't get past (at least for now) then I'd just give it up. The only thing I will offer up to her as a compromise is for her to work on her passive agressiveness, which would have avoided the blow up (FTR, we've talked about this before and she knows full well she is passive aggressive, so its not a bolt from the blue).
Alex P Keaton
Footballguy
The mom passing out thing makes sense. Childhood memories can trigger things for a lot of people. Kudos to you for calmly approaching the situation and not overreacting. Oh, and for not following the advice throughout much of this thread.
ghostguy123
Footballguy
If you cant communicate about it in person then write her a nice long letter.
It works
It works
AAABatteries
Footballguy
Yep - my FIL was an alcoholic for the entirety that I knew him. The type to sleep with a handle and a piss jar next to his bed. The type to die of a alcohol induced heart attack. My wife and I didn't drink much early in our relationship but as we got older I started drinking more and it caused a similar issue. And understandably so - it was traumatic for her as a kid seeing her Dad (and Stepmom) like that and she didn't want that for our kids. When she first brought it up with me I would oblige and limit what I was having but only once outright cut it out for a while. It was never brought up in any other situations so we had discussions about it and I started drinking again. And she started drinking socially a little more. She finally realized that I'm not her Dad, I have control over what I'm doing and she's not her Dad either. We mutually agreed to showing our kids responsible drinking. I drink a little less now for weight/health reasons but the situation for us is so much better and it was all about communication. BD - just explain to her how you feel and that you understand and realize that's difficult for her. Communication should most likely go a long way to resolving this.
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
Ya, we're going to have more of a conversation to move this forward, hopefully tonight after the kids are in bed. This thread is helping me keep certain thoughts in my mind I was to bring up (and see other things I might have suggested aren't realistic). While we can talk through the issue and come to some resolution for our relationship, I don't think it is going to solve the issue for her. She's going to need to deal with it on a bigger scale. That's either counseling or taking her mom on. She will go out to eat with her mom every 2-3 weeks, and her mom will have some drinks. Since we've had this conversation, I recall my wife said once that how much she had to drink that night bothered her. I didn't know there were childhood issues she was also dealing with, so not it is apparent to me she's going to need to deal with it with her mom if she's going to be able to move forward. She doesn't have a great relationship with her mom to begin with, so that could be interesting.
jamny
Footballguy
Umm...yes?
Unless my wife is joking and was questioning why I didn't make her a drink, a response like that usually means a lot more. Especially if you are aware your wife is passive aggressive.
KCitons
Footballguy
I've been with my wife for 29 years. There are things that still trigger reminders for her. Her father was an alcoholic and an abuser. Her Mom didn't divorce him until she was a teenager. (then married another alcoholic. Although he didn't abuse them). Occasionally something will remind her of an incident from her childhood. I don't look at it as her not wanting to tell me, I just think she suppressed a lot of memories in order to cope.
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
No, at least not to the extent that I would think it would bother her when I had a drink myself. We've talked about her mom and dad a lot. There's another thread here about how her mom lived with us for a couple of years. She's an only child, so everything going on with her parents falls on her. While I know her mom consumes alcohol, I did not know she drank until she passed out on the couch when my wife was a kid. I never heard that.
I've known my wife since she was 15, and met her parents shortly after that (I dated a friend of hers in college, and we would hang out at my current wifes home sometimes). I knew her parents quite a bit before I got together with my wife. Maybe that's why, or maybe because my wife doesn't like to deal with negative stuff, but we never had a "bear our souls" conversation about our respective parents.
Steeler
Footballguy
I agree that's what SHE thought should be the understanding, but that's on her to be a better communicator. The OP is under no obligation to read her mind and extrapolate anything from that benign question. If she is passive aggressive then working together to break her of that habit would be better for both of them (through communication which the OP is willing to do).
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
Then I guess I'm just not that perceptive. When I was making a drink in those circumstances, I was not in a good mood due to a long and/or stressful day at work. I wasn't in a mood to decipher her cryptic comments. If she had come out and been straightforward, it would have been different. That's not all on her, but I certainly don't think she was clear enough I "should have known."
Mookie
Footballguy
In hopes of providing a little different perspective for the OP's benefit, here's my situation:
I am a healthy, 51 year old with low cholesterol, good blood pressure, and no history of illness. I get regular checkups. I'm very active and have a normal BMI. I rarely eat red meat, and do a pretty good job of staying away from processed foods although I'm not perfect. My wife is extremely health conscious, and my healthy diet is largely thanks to her. I eat whatever she puts in front of me. I really like beer though and typically have 2-4 per night, although I tend to stay away from anything over 6% ABV to avoid a headache/fog in the morning. It's a vice, but it's something that relaxes me and takes the edge off at the end of the day.
Since our kids left for college, my wife (married 25 years) has focused most of her attention on me. This "focus" has been especially narrow since she became menopausal. She worries about me and wants me to live a long time (my dad died of cancer at 55, but smoked cigars and was an alcoholic). As a result, she watches me and judges my habits constantly. If I put sugar in my morning coffee, she will say something like "How are we going to get you to quit sugar?" If I grab a handful of tortilla chips, "How are we going to get you to eat healthier?" If I get a beer from the fridge, "I think we should have a dry [insert month here], will you do it with me?" This constant monitoring - especially with the beer - has gotten so bad that I've resorted to sneaking beers in the garage, when she is not at home, or if she's in the shower just to avoid conflict.
I have dug my heels in and told her that I don't appreciate her judging even though it comes from a place of love, and that I am not prepared to completely eliminate these vices from my life. I've also told her that her behavior is obsessive and overly critical and makes me feel imprisoned in my home/marriage. Unfortunately, she is extremely sensitive and these discussions have led her to say "I know I'm a horrible person" and storm off in tears. She will then apologize and mention therapy - open communication is difficult for us. I'm supportive of anything that gets her off my back, but I am unwilling to completely eliminate beer just to appease her manic worrying. I've done that in the past for weeks/months, and it made me really resentful. Divorce is not an option at this point as I view this as something we can continue to work through. It's no fun when it's happening. Good luck OP.
I am a healthy, 51 year old with low cholesterol, good blood pressure, and no history of illness. I get regular checkups. I'm very active and have a normal BMI. I rarely eat red meat, and do a pretty good job of staying away from processed foods although I'm not perfect. My wife is extremely health conscious, and my healthy diet is largely thanks to her. I eat whatever she puts in front of me. I really like beer though and typically have 2-4 per night, although I tend to stay away from anything over 6% ABV to avoid a headache/fog in the morning. It's a vice, but it's something that relaxes me and takes the edge off at the end of the day.
Since our kids left for college, my wife (married 25 years) has focused most of her attention on me. This "focus" has been especially narrow since she became menopausal. She worries about me and wants me to live a long time (my dad died of cancer at 55, but smoked cigars and was an alcoholic). As a result, she watches me and judges my habits constantly. If I put sugar in my morning coffee, she will say something like "How are we going to get you to quit sugar?" If I grab a handful of tortilla chips, "How are we going to get you to eat healthier?" If I get a beer from the fridge, "I think we should have a dry [insert month here], will you do it with me?" This constant monitoring - especially with the beer - has gotten so bad that I've resorted to sneaking beers in the garage, when she is not at home, or if she's in the shower just to avoid conflict.
I have dug my heels in and told her that I don't appreciate her judging even though it comes from a place of love, and that I am not prepared to completely eliminate these vices from my life. I've also told her that her behavior is obsessive and overly critical and makes me feel imprisoned in my home/marriage. Unfortunately, she is extremely sensitive and these discussions have led her to say "I know I'm a horrible person" and storm off in tears. She will then apologize and mention therapy - open communication is difficult for us. I'm supportive of anything that gets her off my back, but I am unwilling to completely eliminate beer just to appease her manic worrying. I've done that in the past for weeks/months, and it made me really resentful. Divorce is not an option at this point as I view this as something we can continue to work through. It's no fun when it's happening. Good luck OP.
Good for you on talking through it. This sounds like mature self-aware adults having a grown-up conversation. Best to you two as you work through it.
belljr
Footballguy
Meh - there's stuff that pops up on occasion that I we never knew about each other but its usually because we've been together so long that we assumed we already knew.
shadyridr
Footballguy
I dunno man. Maybe minor stuff but something major like that about her mother? After 17 years? That's just crazy IMO.
RUSF18
Footballguy
Therapy seems like a great idea.
I'd say though...describing your own eating of a handful of tortilla chips as a "vice" when you're a healthy person who can handle those 200 calories shows that she has already gotten to you. I'd start trying to recalibrate how you truly feel about some of these things before you sit down with a therapist, if you want a better result for yourself.
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
I can't say that I'm looking forward to being empty nesters. While I wouldn't expect anything to this level, I could see this type of thing happen. She will get into phases where she/we need to get better at something, and she will jump on the bandwagon. I know generally it is just a phase, so I will play along until the phase passes. She has her own vices though, so while "eating better" or the like may be the trend of the week/month, I know she loves her carbs so it won't be a 100% type thing. When the kids are gone and she needs something more to fill that in? I'm not sure if that will be good or bad. She keeps herself plenty busy though, so maybe it will be OK.
belljr
Footballguy
My wife has she has gotten a little older has slowly started on occasion treat me like I'm one of the kids. Dont forget you coat! Make sure you do A,B,C.
We've talked about it - and I know she doesn't do it to be a nag but she generally is doing it because she cares but she also realizes how annoying it is
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
She totally lives in the moment. While I often may, at least introspectively, look at my past and try to figure out how it has shaped the person I am today, she doesn't really do that. She doesn't like looking back. If something is bothering her right now, and it has to do with something in the past she may say it, but she's not going to sit me down and share some experience she lived through that has scarred her. She's just not that type of person. Also, the few traumatic things I do know of her past she treats as a joke. Her high school boyfriend was a total psycho nutjob, but she laughs at the crazy things he did. I wouldn't be surprised if there are some insane things he did to her that I don't know of, but I know she'll never tell me just on her own. She wouldn't keep anything from me, but you'd have to ask the right question, or else she just doesn't think about it.
Mookie
Footballguy
Empty nesting has been an interesting ride. Year one was great as we reconnected, traveled, and spent more one on one time together. Our lives were also much less structured. We are now in year three and, with menopause, I think that she's feeling more restless and in a constant state of worry. Since I'm the person she has daily contact with, she worries about me the most. I understand it and it certainly comes from a good place, but it's been really hard to endure. We'll figure it out though.
RUSF18
Footballguy
We're only six years into marriage, so take this for what it's worth, but we've have had plenty of transitional moments during that time between getting married, moving, job changes, career changes, trying to get pregnant, having a baby, etc. And one thing that I think really helps the most when it comes to dealing with these types of situations is to have an actual conversation about how hard it is or can be.
Hearing your spouse/significant other say something as simple as "yeah this is really hard" or "this kinda sucks huh" can be really liberating and stress relieving. IMO of course.
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
While this is a thread seemingly about complaints, my wife is actually really awesome. While there are crazy female things she does, I believe it to be far less than other women, at least from my observations. For instance, in 19 year together, I have heard the phrase (or something similar) to "we have to talk" no more than three times. While it is nice to not have to face "the talk" situations on a regular basis, the downside is that we don't have a lot of deep conversations on issues at hand. We will talk about the kids, parents, family, school, etc, but we often agree on those types of things. More "important' topics where there might be conflict aren't as readily talked about.
shadyridr
Footballguy
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
Ya, communication is our struggle. From day 1. We knew each other for 10 years before we got together. There was a conversation we had 2 or 3 years after meeting where if we were good communicators we would have gotten together then. But we weren't, so it took seven more years, and several other bad relationships with other people until we figured it out.
ghostguy123
Footballguy
As I said before, write her a letter. It works. It gives you the opportunity to say all the things you want to say without being interrupted or distracted, allows you to keep an even tone as to not break off into an argument, and allows you to add in whatever else you want, say for example you want to make an offer that you are allowed X number of "random" drinks per week and no more.
Talk about how you understand her feelings about the subject, and that you are more than willing to come to an agreement/understanding moving forward.
Seems like the obvious route to go at this point.
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Bull Dozier
Footballguy
Sorry, I thought that was sarcasm (Friends jumped into my mind when I first read it).
I would have to think about that. Ironically, with our busy schedules, we often communicate by email more often than talking to each other. She's a horrible responder, so I often have to remember what I emailed her to ask if she saw it.
I know you're saying write a letter, which I take to mean pen and paper. That seems heavy if I dropped her with that randomly (radomly meaning I've never given her something hand written outside of a greeting card ever).
ghostguy123
Footballguy
No, it does not have to be pen and paper. And if you thought that was sarcasm, I am beginning to see which side might be more responsible for the lack of good communication. Now get to writing. Use calligraphy
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Grahamburn
Footballguy
I realized I had a problem when I ran out of vermouth and had a gin and capri sun instead.
Steeler
Footballguy
My wife and I invented a drink when our oldest was around 5 years old while listening to the B52s - vodka, capri sun, splash of OJ - we called it the Rock Lobster.
trogg78
Footballguy
Local bar makes one called “Capri Sun of Anarchy”
My wife and I invented a drink when our oldest was around 5 years old while listening to the B52s - vodka, capri sun, splash of OJ - we called it the Rock Lobster.
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