One liners (2 Viewers)

[Statorama]

It's bad luck to superstitious.

I can thank my lucky stars I am not superstitious.

I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
- Michael Scott
-- Statorama

fixed

I have a little Michael Scott in me (that's what she said)

 

[El Floppo]

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

 

[dickey moe]

"It's not lie if you believe it!" - George Costanza

 

[Bracie Smathers]

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park but it’s just really hard to find thirty-two of them willing to do it.

 

[strykerpks]

RIP Bob Uecker

The way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until it stops rolling and then pick it up.

To last as long as I did with the skills I had, with the numbers I produced, was a triumph of the human spirit.

I led the league in "go get 'em next time."

 

[Bracie Smathers]

"The trouble with internet quotes is that you never can be sure of their authenticity."
-- Abraham Lincoln

 

[Quint]

Beating a dead horse is pointless....but it is good cardio.

 

[Bracie Smathers]

"They say a woman's work is never done, and maybe that's why they get paid less."
-- Sean Lock

 

[fatness]

"Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters"

"Yanks' Wang out for season"

"Foot Heads Arms Body"

 

[Bracie Smathers]

"It’s not the heat, it’s the humility."
-- Yogi Berra

 

[Bracie Smathers]

https://img-s-msn-com.akamaized.net/tenant/amp/entityid/AA1DycfM.img?w=1920&h=1080&q=60&m=2&f=jpg

 

[Bracie Smathers]

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later, you have to start all over again.”
-- Joan Rivers

 

[fatness]

Your bellybutton is a knife wound you got from that guy in a mask who evicted you from your first home.

 

[Bracie Smathers]

Where's Waldo comic strip joke

 

[Bracie Smathers]

"A banana and a rubber band? What are you, MacGyver?"
-- Louie De Palma, Taxi.

 

[Gally]

"A banana and a rubber band? What are you, MacGyver?"
-- Louie De Palma, Taxi.

I don't think this is correct.

MacGyver - 1985-1992
Taxi - 1978-1983.

Doesn't seem to be an overlap here. Unless MacGyver is a spin off of Taxi

 

[El Floppo]

"A banana and a rubber band? What are you, MacGyver?"
-- Louie De Palma, Taxi.

I don't think this is correct.

MacGyver - 1985-1992
Taxi - 1978-1983.

Doesn't seem to be an overlap here. Unless MacGyver is a spin off of Taxi

Ok Columbo.

Spinoff off howdy doody

 

[Bracie Smathers]

I don't think this is correct.

MacGyver - 1985-1992
Taxi - 1978-1983.

Doesn't seem to be an overlap here. Unless MacGyver is a spin off of Taxi

Internet not netting correctly.
========================
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years—then we met.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield

 

[Bracie Smathers]

“I put a dollar in a change machine, nothing changed.”
-- George Carlin

 

[brun]

Sorry. Didn't mean to talk while you were interrupting.

 

[Bracie Smathers]

Best thing about having sex with twenty-one-year-olds is that there's 20 of them.
--ugh

 

[fatness]

I apologize for referring to 'reading' as 'spreading book cheeks'.

 

[Bracie Smathers]

"You’ve got something on your chin... no, the third one down."
-- Don Rickles

 

[fatness]

I tried childproofing the house but they kept getting in.

 

[Leroy Hoard]

I tried childproofing the house but they kept getting in.

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids.
But when I came back home, they were still there.

 

[kupcho1]

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids.
But when I came back home, they were still there.

Best one-liner yet.

 

[kupcho1]

Rodney had some great ones

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me."

"I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire."

"The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it."

"I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette."

There's a million more, but that's enough for this post.

 

[rockaction]

Let me tell ya I get no respect no respect

 

[Bracie Smathers]

I tried childproofing the house but they kept getting in.

I LOOOOVE children.
....
...
..
.
But...
only
if
they're
cooked
just
right.

 

[fatness]

This story has been corrected to show that John Brown, not James Brown, led the raid on Harper's Ferry.

 

[fatness]

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.

 

[steelerfan1]

He’s like a blister, he only shows up after the hard work is finished.

 

[rustycolts]

No good deed goes unpunished.

 

[rustycolts]

Send lawyers,guns and money the **** has hit the fan.

Warren Zevon

 

[fatness]

The man admitted to the hospital with 6 toy horses in his rectum is in stable condition.

 

[Bracie Smathers]

I got sick and tired of having to spend so much on dental floss, so I had every other tooth removed.
-- Barry Crimmins

 

[fatness]

When you call the tinnitus hotline it just keeps ringing.

 

[fatness]

A 9-year-old girl has disappeared after using facial cream designed to make you "look 10 years younger".

 

[sushinsky4tsar]

Q: What do you think of your team's execution?

"I'm in favor of it."
-John McKay , 1976 Bucs Head Coach


Disappointed that there seems to be some question of whether this was misattributed.

 

[dozer]

Honey, Let's go to bed so these nice people can leave.

 

[Ilov80s]

Send lawyers,guns and money the **** has hit the fan.

Warren Zevon

And if California slides into the ocean like the mystics and statistics say it will, I predict this motel will be standing until I play my bill

 

[Uncle Leo]

“Playing with my money is like playing with my emotions”

Big Perm to Smokey

 

[Klimtology]

If you are driving at the speed of light and turn your headlights on does anything happen?

Steven Wright

 

[bigbottom]

You have to hand it to blind prostitutes . . .

 

[fatness]

This is the time of year when you can dig graves in your front yard and people think it's a display.

 

[Leroy Hoard]

You have to hand it to blind prostitutes . . .

They know how you feel.

 

[Leroy Hoard]

I tried walking up a hill without a watch, but had neither the time nor the inclination.

 

[fatness]

Toilets should go beep-beep-beep-beep when they back up.