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Parent Poll (1 Viewer)

Have you personally ever intentionally withheld a meal from a child for disciplinary reasons?

  • Yes

    Votes: 29 16.4%

  • No

    Votes: 133 75.1%

  • Yesno

    Votes: 15 8.5%

  • N/A

    Votes: 16 9.0%

  • Smoo

    Votes: 15 8.5%
  • Total voters
    177
If kid can drive, he probably works or at least has some pocket change. Shoulda thought ahead and have that food stash underneath his bed.

 
Prefer the old bread and butter answer. Let them have nutrition, but not necessarily the nice normal dinner

 
Your unwillingness to tell us what the kid did leads me to the conclusion that this punishment was undeserved and horribly immoral. 

You and white spaghetti suck. 

 
What a guilty meal. 

I have no problem with your form of discipline. As long as it isn't physically abusive, my observation is that most kids need more discipline, not less. 

 
James Daulton said:
Your unwillingness to tell us what the kid did leads me to the conclusion that this punishment was undeserved and horribly immoral. 

You and white spaghetti suck. 
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Didn't bother to read the whole thread, huh?

I've sent our kids to bed hungry before by if I recall it was only when they wouldn't eat what my wife fixed.  Not exactly the same thing but generally I find it to be ok to do - I don't feel like it would be very affective except in my scenario.  I would have taken his car from him.

 
AAABatteries said:
Didn't bother to read the whole thread, huh?

I've sent our kids to bed hungry before by if I recall it was only when they wouldn't eat what my wife fixed.  Not exactly the same thing but generally I find it to be ok to do - I don't feel like it would be very affective except in my scenario.  I would have taken his car from him.
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Believe me there's more to the story.  I just wanted opinions on the dinner thing.

 
:lmao: Totally did not see "so he goes out to his car" coming. Like everyone else, I assumed we were talking about a 6 year and were concerned that he'd walk into his kindergarten class room this morning with "daddy didn't give me any food last night"  

This punishment is morally acceptable but incredibly stupid for a kid of this age. Pretty sure depriving a teenager of plain noodles and butter when he probably has 4 lbs of uneaten food in his bedroom or car isn't going to make much of an impact.

If the kid was younger (6-12) I could potentially see this being a somewhat reasonable punishment, but only if the offense was throwing a fit about what was served for dinner. However, in this particular case (White spaghetti), the aforementioned fit would be totally justified.

 
Psychopav said:
Believe me there's more to the story.  I just wanted opinions on the dinner thing.
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Sounds to me like your son is being a big baby. I understand how easy it is to lose control when disciplining a child, but the best way to get your point across is to enforce consequences and stay calm. Let them know what is happening, give them an opportunity to ask questions, then walk away. This way you maintain all power, grace and dignity.

I don't think the food thing was a big deal, but probably not going to make any difference with respect to correcting your son's behavior. Taking away the phone (and I would also take away his keys... assuming it's your car) is probably the best way to show your son who is boss.

And it would be helpful to explain the bolded above. Maybe your son is justified. Maybe your rules are stupid. But we cannot give adequate counsel if you are going to withhold information.

 
If you have any financial involvement whatsoever with the car, I would follow up today and take his keys, with the following statement:

"The way you spoke to your mother and me last night demonstrated a lack of respect that does not represent the way we speak to each other in this family.  As a result, you will not be allowed to use your car for one week. If your behavior improves over that time, you will get your keys back. Any incident of continued disrespect will add another week; at four weeks we will sell the car."

 
Age matters to me here.  The younger the child, the less effective this method is going to be.  Long punishments really aren't effective for a young child.  They are going to sit a be upset but while they are upset, they are not going to be making the connection between the punishment and the crime.

For an older child, it might be more effective, but the more a kid eats, the less I would want to remove food from their diet.  My kids were all grazers until puberty, and never ate much at dinner, but I would't want to remove it.  Granted, one meal isn't going to make that much different, but considering there are better, more effective punishments most likely (don't know what happened here), I can't think of a reason to go this route.

I wouldn't look down at someone who did though.  To each their own with this punishment.

 
My goodness. Having to take dinner away from a kid old enough to drive? At that age, you should be able to have an adult conversation....one would hope. 

 
Psychopav said:
Does it make a difference? 

He was being disrespectful to his mother and me.  Refused to acknowledge us, then became extremely rude and belligerent when he was called out on it.  It escalated - not the proudest moment I had as a dad but things continued to mount as his blatant disrespect increased.  Yelling at me, refused to eat in the same room as us.

Ultimately, he took his bowl and went outside to his car to eat, just walked out.  I called him back, laid into him for being ungrateful and took his food away (I had already taken the phone away and I'm sure that was the point of no return).
Click to expand...
WTF how old is this kid?

 
Cjw_55106 said:
My goodness. Having to take dinner away from a kid old enough to drive? At that age, you should be able to have an adult conversation....one would hope. 
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Bizarre punishment for someone old enough to drive. Do you give him timeouts too?

 
It is not morally objectionable.  Tell your son about the half the world that is lucky to have one meal a day, let alone the two he had yesterday.  Then tell him his sense of entitlement is morally objectionable.  Then take away his car.

Honestly, would've started with the car.

 
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already, white spaghetti. 

 
Tom Skerritt said:
Sounds to me like your son is being a big baby. I understand how easy it is to lose control when disciplining a child, but the best way to get your point across is to enforce consequences and stay calm. Let them know what is happening, give them an opportunity to ask questions, then walk away. This way you maintain all power, grace and dignity.

I don't think the food thing was a big deal, but probably not going to make any difference with respect to correcting your son's behavior. Taking away the phone (and I would also take away his keys... assuming it's your car) is probably the best way to show your son who is boss.

And it would be helpful to explain the bolded above. Maybe your son is justified. Maybe your rules are stupid. But we cannot give adequate counsel if you are going to withhold information.
Click to expand...
I mostly agree with your comments here.  Thanks but there's of course much more going on and I appreciate the insights.

 
Cjw_55106 said:
My goodness. Having to take dinner away from a kid old enough to drive? At that age, you should be able to have an adult conversation....one would hope. 
Click to expand...
Of course every situation is different, but just curious: do you have/have you raised teenage children? 

 
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shadyridr said:
WTF how old is this kid?
Click to expand...
16

The situation got out of hand.  Taking the dinner was not intended as a punishment but it ended up that way because he walked out.  Only later did his ire over that detail become his focal point.

I was surprised that HE was surprised when I said that particular issue is not all that unheard of.  Hence this poll.

I appreciate all the insights but take them for what they are, given there is plenty of detail and background which none of you can know.

Mostly I'm curious whether this was something which has become far less common in our society, and based on poll results it appears so.  Also I'm interested in others' opinions on the general morality of the punishment, independent of circumstances, and the poll results imply that it is at least a reasonable punishment.

 
(HULK) said:
It is not morally objectionable.  Tell your son about the half the world that is lucky to have one meal a day, let alone the two he had yesterday.  Then tell him his sense of entitlement is morally objectionable.  Then take away his car.

Honestly, would've started with the car.
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I hear you.  He circumvented my efforts there.

 
Wondering if there is any difference in people's opinions if the child is a boy or girl.

I know one person mentioned his daughter is a teenager.  Curious if taking away food for them is any punishment at all, given the whole "body issue" thing they can suffer with.

 
Cjw_55106 said:
My goodness. Having to take dinner away from a kid old enough to drive? At that age, you should be able to have an adult conversation....one would hope. 
Click to expand...


Counter point: You ever tried to talk to a teenager?  They're pretty dumb.

 
I have a 16 year old (soon to be 17 year old) and a 15 year old so I feel your pain.  They are good kids but have had their moments.  I've found taking all form electronics away (from the 15 year old boy) and use of the car or the phone away from the older child (girl) to be fairly effective.  Though in the heat of the moment I can understand what you did.  Everyone has their not so proud moments they'd like to take back and if yours just involves withholding dinner that's far from the worst things that could happen.

 
Psychopav said:
16

The situation got out of hand.  Taking the dinner was not intended as a punishment but it ended up that way because he walked out.  Only later did his ire over that detail become his focal point.

I was surprised that HE was surprised when I said that particular issue is not all that unheard of.  Hence this poll.

I appreciate all the insights but take them for what they are, given there is plenty of detail and background which none of you can know.

Mostly I'm curious whether this was something which has become far less common in our society, and based on poll results it appears so.  Also I'm interested in others' opinions on the general morality of the punishment, independent of circumstances, and the poll results imply that it is at least a reasonable punishment.
Click to expand...
Taking away dinner as a punishment is fine. But not for a kid this age and certainly not making it the first time you have ever done it. He was justified in being completely shocked at your actions. You probably owe him an apology and to let him know that while you were justified in giving a punishment that you won't be using that particular form again.

I'm with Hulk, take his car away next time. For a kid who has had the car for less than a year that and his phone are your go to punishments.

 
Psychopav said:
Sent my son to bed last night without dinner.  He flipped out and acted like I did something so horrible that I should never be allowed to parent again.

When I explained that it was a perfectly acceptable disciplinary method to withhold a single meal, he was shocked.  He doesn't believe me.

Am I out of touch? If so, can I blame Trump? Or Hillary? Or the left or right wing media? 
Click to expand...


Look, I'm no perfect parent, but almost all parenting experts agree that the "punishment" should fit the "crime."  That probably gets them a little ready for the real world.

So, for example, if he refuses to eat your horrifying white-trash spaghetti, and throws his plate full of food against the wall . . . then sure "if you destroy the food I just put in front of you, I'm not going to pick it up and then offer you a new plate of food. . . get your ### in your room."  Or even "that was the food I was serving you.  If you can't find a way to ask for different food then you can go without."  Or even: "you must not be hungry if you are throwing food out.  Go to your room."

You get the picture.

Put if his crime was, for example, cussing out his mom, or hitting his kid brother, or ignoring you when you told him that it's time to end the video games.  Or something similar.  (If I had to guess, I'd say that what he probably did was act in a disrespectful way to either you or your wife.  "Go to bed without dinner" sounds like something that would occur to the average parent for cussing out mom or dad.).  Anyway, if one of those was the situation, I'd suggest picking a better punishment, for a variety of reasons.  

For example, for the crime of cussing out mom or hitting his brother, or some other form of anti-social activity, my preferred punishment is time ALONE.  In a corner, in his room, whatever.  ("you obviously are not ready to be in the company of other humans.  Why don't you take some time alone.  Oh, and let me have your phone/computer/electonics; this isn't play time."). 

With all that in mind, there is no need to add "no dinner" to that mix. (again, unless he did something bad w/r/t his dinner.) 

 
Psychopav said:
16

The situation got out of hand.  Taking the dinner was not intended as a punishment but it ended up that way because he walked out.  Only later did his ire over that detail become his focal point.

I was surprised that HE was surprised when I said that particular issue is not all that unheard of.  Hence this poll.

I appreciate all the insights but take them for what they are, given there is plenty of detail and background which none of you can know.

Mostly I'm curious whether this was something which has become far less common in our society, and based on poll results it appears so.  Also I'm interested in others' opinions on the general morality of the punishment, independent of circumstances, and the poll results imply that it is at least a reasonable punishment.
Click to expand...
Thinking of your act as "moral" or "immoral" is NOT THE WAY TO GO.  That is a trap your kid is trying to lead you down.  It's either effective or not.  It's either "right" or not.  Getting into the muck of "morality" and all the permutations and philosophies associated with it is the very thing your kid wants to distract  you by instead of looking at what he did.  DON'T get caught in going down that rabbit hole.  Teenagers are masters of this. 

 
The only time something like this has happened at our house is when one of these kids would refuse to eat his vegetables or whatever it was that they were supposed to eat but wouldn't.  They would be told they weren't getting anything else until they finished that food. If they still didn't eat it, it was wrapped up and put in the refrigerator until the next day.  They were very surprised when the same food showed up at dinner again the next day, and the next.

I never took away food as a punishment though, we have other things we can take away more effective: TV, video games, iPad, etc.

 
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That being said:  Any of us can give "advice" all day, but in the end, dealing with a teenager is a special circle of hell.

For instance, my 15 year old's punishment a couple of Sunday's ago was to help me patch a hole in the wall.  Which I put in with my fist instead of his smug face.  So it was kind of his fault.  On the plus side, he got to learn about home improvement projects!  Another win for the Sweet J household!

 
Sweet J said:
For instance, my 15 year old's punishment a couple of Sunday's ago was to help me patch a hole in the wall.  Which I put in with my fist instead of his smug face.  So it was kind of his fault.  On the plus side, he got to learn about home improvement projects!  Another win for the Sweet J household!
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:lmao:

 
Psychopav said:
Does it make a difference? 

He was being disrespectful to his mother and me.  Refused to acknowledge us, then became extremely rude and belligerent when he was called out on it.  It escalated - not the proudest moment I had as a dad but things continued to mount as his blatant disrespect increased.  Yelling at me, refused to eat in the same room as us.

Ultimately, he took his bowl and went outside to his car to eat, just walked out.  I called him back, laid into him for being ungrateful and took his food away (I had already taken the phone away and I'm sure that was the point of no return).
Click to expand...


Ok, last non-shtick answer:  In hindsight, it would probably have been best to just let him go and walk it off.  When he got back, hopefully he would be cooled down and you cooled down, and you could have a real conversation about how upsetting and unacceptable it is when he says/does certain things.  But that only works if you are both cooled down.  Don't make it about asserting your authority; rather make it about making him a better person.

Anyway, that's all theory.  I know I have an incredibly hard time taking my own advice ("FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST WHY ARE YOU STILL AWAKE AT 11:30 AT NIGHT?  WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU STILL HAVE HOMEWORK, I SAW YOU TEXTING FRIENDS FOR TWO STRAIGHT HOURS EARLIER. GAHHHHHHH!")

 
I used to get really frustrated with my teenage son. And very recently, I made a deal with him. As long as he gets good grades, keeps his room relatively clean, does his chores without asking (take out trash/recycling, mow the lawn, help clean the house a little)... and I will not hassle him about being a lazy, good-for-nothing, rotten teenager. It's been amazing! He can lay around in his room on the computer all day long, and I don't care anymore because he is fulfilling his end of the bargain. 

 
The funny thing is, he has 3 sisters, and compared to them  his elementary and tween years were easy street. Then all of a sudden he went insane.  Inconsistently but extremely, with no warning when it happens.

I think I was the same way, inside, but didn't express it the same way.

 
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