What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

Welcome to Our Forums. Once you've registered and logged in, you're primed to talk football, among other topics, with the sharpest and most experienced fantasy players on the internet.

Shtick You Use in Real Life (2 Viewers)

Good Posting Judge said:
In middle school we came up with a shtick where we'd walk up next to other dudes and just  start holding their hand. Always good.
Click to expand...
We used to walk down a semi busy road and pretend to start beating the crap out of one of our friends.

i still remember one horrified lady stopping and yelling LET THE BOY GOOOO!!!!! and then we all laughed at her

  It was fun and games until some guys got out and chased us down

 
NeverEnough said:
Randomly wave or beep at strangers as I'm driving. Some of the looks are priceless.
Click to expand...
So back in the day we had 2 version of this.

1) You beep and start to wave but look in the opposite direction

and really old - when you had to manually adjust your mirrors.

2) window down - you would beep and "raise your hand to wave" but then reach out and grab your mirror to adjust it.

Quality looks and half waves 

 
Had a few good ones back in high school related to driving. 

After school I'd get get in the driver's seat and my buddy in the passenger seat. I'd recline my seat all the way back and control the gas pedal while my buddy guided the steering wheel. We'd drive people and he'd wave at them from a car that was clearing being driven but had no driver. 

My 92 mercury tracer had a windshield fluid gauge that would spray the fluid at least 6 feet behind the car. I figured out how to turn it sideways and used to drive around town spraying people on the sidewalks. Obnoxious and dumb, but funny to a 16 year old. 

 
John Bender said:
Had a few good ones back in high school related to driving. 

After school I'd get get in the driver's seat and my buddy in the passenger seat. I'd recline my seat all the way back and control the gas pedal while my buddy guided the steering wheel. We'd drive people and he'd wave at them from a car that was clearing being driven but had no driver. 

My 92 mercury tracer had a windshield fluid gauge that would spray the fluid at least 6 feet behind the car. I figured out how to turn it sideways and used to drive around town spraying people on the sidewalks. Obnoxious and dumb, but funny to a 16 year old. 
Click to expand...
My car has a strong windshield washer fluid pump and I like to use it on tailgaters.  Convertibles are the best.  

 
Last edited by a moderator:
shuke said:
When at someone else’s house, if I use the bathroom I will fold the end of the TP roll into a triangle like hotel maids do.  
Click to expand...
This is good. :thumbup:

Sometimes they leave their bedroom door open. One day I am going to sneak in and leave a mint on each pillow.

 
My newest shtick ...

I've been whispering the phrase  "just act natural" ... in situations where it doesn't make sense.

I bring coffees into work and hand one to a co-worker  ... "just act natural" and look around without turning my head ... like someone is watching us.

Gets a reaction of concern and  or confusion. They typically freeze up for a minute while trying to figure out why.

Now it's the running shtick at the workplace. Lots of people in on it. "Bob! Phone call on line 2 ... just act natural"

 
not sure if its shctick but

Old old job - we figured out how to use the building intercom through our phones - at some point that stopped that so we would call the front desk and have people paged.

Any time leftovers from meetings were set out anyone that walked by would page someones name in our group and say dial 3 6 6 3 (F O O D)

I miss all the days of free pizza/hoaiges/donuts etc etc

 
Last edited by a moderator:
John Bender said:
Had a few good ones back in high school related to driving. 

After school I'd get get in the driver's seat and my buddy in the passenger seat. I'd recline my seat all the way back and control the gas pedal while my buddy guided the steering wheel. We'd drive people and he'd wave at them from a car that was clearing being driven but had no driver. 

My 92 mercury tracer had a windshield fluid gauge that would spray the fluid at least 6 feet behind the car. I figured out how to turn it sideways and used to drive around town spraying people on the sidewalks. Obnoxious and dumb, but funny to a 16 year old. 
Click to expand...
:goodposting:  

One of my high school friends had an SUV with a rear windshield wiper and fluid pump.  We figured out how to turn the nozzle so the fluid would shoot straight back.  Outstanding countermeasure for tailgaters, or to mess with unsuspecting innocents behind the SUV at a red light.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Was with my daughter and group of her friends at 6 Flags yesterday. I was taking a group picture when a woman came up and offered to take the pic so I could get in. I declined, and had her get in the picture instead.

Related: when someone asks me to take a picture of their group so that everyone can be included, I always, always take at least a few selfies without them knowing.

Relatedrelated: when someone leaves their phone out at work, I'll often take selfies alone or with other co-workers. The time to discovery is generally days, but sometimes weeks. It's always awesome, but especially when it's been long enough that you forget you did it until they bring it up.

 
Tecumseh said:
Was with my daughter and group of her friends at 6 Flags yesterday. I was taking a group picture when a woman came up and offered to take the pic so I could get in. I declined, and had her get in the picture instead.

Related: when someone asks me to take a picture of their group so that everyone can be included, I always, always take at least a few selfies without them knowing.

Relatedrelated: when someone leaves their phone out at work, I'll often take selfies alone or with other co-workers. The time to discovery is generally days, but sometimes weeks. It's always awesome, but especially when it's been long enough that you forget you did it until they bring it up.
Click to expand...
I love all of that, but the bold is $Ted.Danson!

 
Bruce Dickinson said:
I've already texted a few brick-and-mortar friends in other cities pitching the idea of calling in to their draft night to interview them.  Will report back.  
Click to expand...
Update... going to be giving commentary via Skype to a friend’s work league in the Twin Cities, put on screen in the conference room during a break for food delivery.  

Some shtick ideas, would love suggestions...

Whomever drafts Aaron Rodgers “surprised he went that direction because the last time Rodgers was in town he had sex with [drafter]’s wife.  Like, a lot of times.”

All subsequent picks on Team Rodgers will be sexually involved with drafter’s family, from banging the mother to buying sister’s used panties over the Internet.

Pick made 4-5 selections before break will BREAKING NEWS have just been suspended for failing a drug test, see how many phones get checked to verify story.

Player will reportedly get benched for kneeling for something other than national anthem.  Thinking coin toss, but open to suggestions.  

Also going to gather photos of active players who have competed on Dancing With The Stars, some good ones of Antonio Brown out there.

 
Holy cow, why did I wait so long to read this thread? Good stuff here.

I share much of the common dad shtick mentioned like intentionally mispronouncing words or people's names, pretending I used to be a professional athlete, movie quotes, and singing and dancing in the car (usually to some old school 80s songs).

When my wife isn't feeling well or something hurts, I usually ask, "Do you need a shot of penis-illin?"

When my son and I are at Target, for example, with my daughter (15), we like to say loudly to her, "HEY, DON'T FORGET TO GET SOME NEW UNDERWEAR."

My wife and I used to get people off-topic greeting cards for their birthday. For example, we might get someone a bat mitzvah or get well soon card for their birthday. Some friends immediately laugh and get that it's a joke. Some just looked at us weirdly. Once, we gave one friend, who is a very large white guy, a card that talked about him being a beautiful African princess. He was in tears reading it. I think we need to resurrect that shtick.

Whenever using a stud finder, point it at myself and make a beeping sound.

Loud obnoxious embellished laughing in public at something my wife or kids say.

Make up a name in the Chick-Fil-A drive through. Sometimes it makes us laugh so hard that it's difficult to complete the order.

Whenever my kids see a "Road Work Ahead" sign, they say "Road work ahead? I sure hope it does!"

"Not since the accident" is good shtick. For example, if someone asks, "Do you play basketball?", I reply, "Not since the accident." And just leave it at that. Maybe look away and stop making eye contact.

 
Tecumseh said:
If I get hold of someone's car I'll tune the radio to the Spanish music station and crank the volume to 11 just before turning the car off and returning the keys.
Click to expand...
Yep. Add on turning on the wipers and turn signal and just about anything else that will activate once the car starts. Maybe even move all the mirrors to the worst possible angle.

Change all the presets to the same radio station.

 
dgreen said:
My wife and I used to get people off-topic greeting cards for their birthday. For example, we might get someone a bat mitzvah or get well soon card for their birthday. Some friends immediately laugh and get that it's a joke. Some just looked at us weirdly. Once, we gave one friend, who is a very large white guy, a card that talked about him being a beautiful African princess. He was in tears reading it. I think we need to resurrect that shtick.
Click to expand...
:lol:  love it

we recently got my nephew a card that said in big bold print HOLY #### YOU’RE OLD.  (He turned 9).  My boys didn’t to get that card, but my wife and I used our executive privelage and made them get it.  

He was having a big sleepover for his party.  So of course all 12 boys were running around the house yelling HOLY #### YOU’RE OLD.  My sister was so thrilled. 

 
dgreen said:
My wife and I used to get people off-topic greeting cards for their birthday. For example, we might get someone a bat mitzvah or get well soon card for their birthday. Some friends immediately laugh and get that it's a joke. Some just looked at us weirdly. Once, we gave one friend, who is a very large white guy, a card that talked about him being a beautiful African princess. He was in tears reading it. I think we need to resurrect that shtick.
Click to expand...
Throughout college and into my early 30's I would regularly do this.   Get my 29 yr old buddy a bday card for a 6 yr old girl with a princess or unicorn on it.

Another one is when mailing letters/checks, etc. was more common.  Would always address the envelope as Dr. (full name), Phd  (and they were definitely not doctors), and then in the memo of the check write something like "hemmorhoid check" or "enema procedure".    If they were married and their wife got mail was an added bonus.

 
dgreen said:
I share much of the common dad shtick mentioned like intentionally mispronouncing words or people's names, pretending I used to be a professional athlete, movie quotes, and singing and dancing in the car (usually to some old school 80s songs).

My wife and I used to get people off-topic greeting cards for their birthday. For example, we might get someone a bat mitzvah or get well soon card for their birthday. Some friends immediately laugh and get that it's a joke. Some just looked at us weirdly. Once, we gave one friend, who is a very large white guy, a card that talked about him being a beautiful African princess. He was in tears reading it. I think we need to resurrect that shtick.

"Not since the accident" is good shtick. For example, if someone asks, "Do you play basketball?", I reply, "Not since the accident." And just leave it at that. Maybe look away and stop making eye contact.
Click to expand...
If I'm driving alone, I will often turn the radio way up.  So sometimes when I start the car with a passenger, THE RADIO IS SO DAMN LOUD AND I HAVE TO DIVE TO THE VOLUME CONTROL.  And usually say, "Who the heck turned the radio up like that?"

The best birthday card I ever got was from a friend at the height of our group making jokes about banging each other's mothers.  The card was intended to be from a father to a young child, "Remind me to thank your mother again"  I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.  

My best friend is a master of "not since the accident".  I'll set him up for it when I can, like if we're in an elevator with strangers.  "You gonna do any skiing while you're in Colorado?"  "Can't.  Not since the accident."  "Oh, ####, right.  Forgot about that."  
If I don't set him up for that, he will drop something like "did you finally get that infection looked at?"  and let me run with details of pus, ooze, how that over-the-counter topical cream didn't work but the prescription stuff seems to stop the spreading.  

 
Oh, and any time one of my kids mispronounces a word on accident, we pronounce it that way for the rest of eternity and make fun of them for it. Even if they were of an age that it's completely acceptable to mispronounce something; like they were just trying to sound out a word they were reading at a young age.

My daughter thought a calzone was a "cowzone" and a sucker punch was a "soccer punch".

My oldest son was looking at jerseys online when he was much younger and asked, "What's a yoth jersey?" instead of youth.

My youngest son at a pretty young age said, "Oh, I renecorize this place" instead of recognize. And just yesterday he said "Sanpelligringo".

So, cowzone, soccer punch, yoth, renecorize, and Sanpelligringo - among others - are part of our family lexicon. My daughter is ok with being made fun of. I probably take it way too far with the boys. It bothers them much more to be teased. But, of course, they love to tease their sister about cowzone and soccer punch.

 
dgreen said:
Oh, and any time one of my kids mispronounces a word on accident, we pronounce it that way for the rest of eternity and make fun of them for it. Even if they were of an age that it's completely acceptable to mispronounce something; like they were just trying to sound out a word they were reading at a young age.

My daughter thought a calzone was a "cowzone" and a sucker punch was a "soccer punch".

My oldest son was looking at jerseys online when he was much younger and asked, "What's a yoth jersey?" instead of youth.

My youngest son at a pretty young age said, "Oh, I renecorize this place" instead of recognize. And just yesterday he said "Sanpelligringo".

So, cowzone, soccer punch, yoth, renecorize, and Sanpelligringo - among others - are part of our family lexicon. My daughter is ok with being made fun of. I probably take it way too far with the boys. It bothers them much more to be teased. But, of course, they love to tease their sister about cowzone and soccer punch.
Click to expand...
:lol:

Hand sanitizer is "hanitizer" in our household.

 
dgreen said:
Oh, and any time one of my kids mispronounces a word on accident, we pronounce it that way for the rest of eternity and make fun of them for it. Even if they were of an age that it's completely acceptable to mispronounce something; like they were just trying to sound out a word they were reading at a young age.

My daughter thought a calzone was a "cowzone" and a sucker punch was a "soccer punch".

My oldest son was looking at jerseys online when he was much younger and asked, "What's a yoth jersey?" instead of youth.

My youngest son at a pretty young age said, "Oh, I renecorize this place" instead of recognize. And just yesterday he said "Sanpelligringo".

So, cowzone, soccer punch, yoth, renecorize, and Sanpelligringo - among others - are part of our family lexicon. My daughter is ok with being made fun of. I probably take it way too far with the boys. It bothers them much more to be teased. But, of course, they love to tease their sister about cowzone and soccer punch.
Click to expand...
I'm guilty of this.  My youngest when he was younger used to say "ones if" instead of "what if" as in, "ones if you won the lottery?"  We teased him about it until he finally stopped (at an age appropriate not to say it incorrectly anymore), but then it went to far and it is now an instant button for him to push.  Anytime he gets a little lippy or has some attitude, I'll pull it out like "ones if you did what I told you the first time."  It gets the point across, but I don't think he'll be sharing the fond memory at my eulogy.

 
When I was 8, my older brother was 10 and I called him "Buckwheat" for like two years straight. Man he hated that.

 
Bull Dozier said:
I'm guilty of this.  My youngest when he was younger used to say "ones if" instead of "what if" as in, "ones if you won the lottery?"  We teased him about it until he finally stopped (at an age appropriate not to say it incorrectly anymore), but then it went to far and it is now an instant button for him to push.  Anytime he gets a little lippy or has some attitude, I'll pull it out like "ones if you did what I told you the first time."  It gets the point across, but I don't think he'll be sharing the fond memory at my eulogy.
Click to expand...
And hopefully he's not the one in charge of picking your retirement home.  You might end up at one of those crooked ones you see on 60 minutes.

 
dgreen said:
Yep. Add on turning on the wipers and turn signal and just about anything else that will activate once the car starts. Maybe even move all the mirrors to the worst possible angle.

Change all the presets to the same radio station.
Click to expand...
My 3 yr old daughter does this to me.  Last weekend we were leaving the baseball field where nephew was playing.  Wife and daughter went ahead and got in the truck while I was talking to another guy, and my 3 yr old loves to climb into the driver's seat and pretend to drive.  I shooed her into the backseat, got her strapped into her seat, then got in the driver seat and cranked the truck.  Instantly the wipers came on, the hazard lights went on, the heater was blasting, and the driver mirror was pointed all the way down.  Got all that fixed, put 'er in drive and started to pull out of the lot and then realized she'd also put me into 4 wheel drive, so had to stop in the middle of the lot, shift to neutral, and back to 2wd.  Wife was rolling laughing at me, and daughter starts cackling from the backseat bc mama is laughing, not realizing what all she'd done to me

 
Last edited by a moderator:
My son is a ginger. When I’m out with one or both of my daughters and one of us spots a ginger, that person will often exclaim “Hey...Charlie!” and point as if we think it’s him, and we’re trying to get his attention. It’s best if he’s a particularly homely one, even better if he turns and makes eye contact to acknowledge the call-out.

 
Nigel said:
My son is a ginger. When I’m out with one or both of my daughters and one of us spots a ginger, that person will often exclaim “Hey...Charlie!” and point as if we think it’s him, and we’re trying to get his attention. It’s best if he’s a particularly homely one, even better if he turns and makes eye contact to acknowledge the call-out.
Click to expand...
Please tell me you follow that up with a, "Sorry Charlie".

 
Hov34 said:
So went through my parents' attic and found my Junior High Diploma (yes, there was such a thing) from 1983.

It is in a frame on my wall in my office.
Click to expand...
Not sure if it was this thread or a different one, but remember a guy bought a little elephant statue for his desk.  During meetings in there he'd randomly stop mid-sentence and say in a serious voice  "I think it's time we address what's in the room" and then point to the elephant.   Then crack up in maniacal laughter.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
dgreen said:
Holy cow, why did I wait so long to read this thread? Good stuff here.

I share much of the common dad shtick mentioned like intentionally mispronouncing words or people's names, pretending I used to be a professional athlete, movie quotes, and singing and dancing in the car (usually to some old school 80s songs).

When my wife isn't feeling well or something hurts, I usually ask, "Do you need a shot of penis-illin?"

When my son and I are at Target, for example, with my daughter (15), we like to say loudly to her, "HEY, DON'T FORGET TO GET SOME NEW UNDERWEAR."

My wife and I used to get people off-topic greeting cards for their birthday. For example, we might get someone a bat mitzvah or get well soon card for their birthday. Some friends immediately laugh and get that it's a joke. Some just looked at us weirdly. Once, we gave one friend, who is a very large white guy, a card that talked about him being a beautiful African princess. He was in tears reading it. I think we need to resurrect that shtick.

Whenever using a stud finder, point it at myself and make a beeping sound.

Loud obnoxious embellished laughing in public at something my wife or kids say.

Make up a name in the Chick-Fil-A drive through. Sometimes it makes us laugh so hard that it's difficult to complete the order.

Whenever my kids see a "Road Work Ahead" sign, they say "Road work ahead? I sure hope it does!"

"Not since the accident" is good shtick. For example, if someone asks, "Do you play basketball?", I reply, "Not since the accident." And just leave it at that. Maybe look away and stop making eye contact.
Click to expand...
:moneybag:

 
Kanil said:
Another one I remembered.  KanilJr is a metal head (blame grandma) and constantly wants to listen to heavy metal when we're in the car.  He'll ask for it to be played and I'll say "sure" and load up some Katie Perry or Brittney Spears.  When he complains I'll say sorry and switch it to Frank Sinatra.  After about 3 or 4 different changes, I'll switch it back to Katie Perry and act all confused when he says we already did that one.  Eventually we'll land on Metallica or some other metal band and when he says this is right I'll say, "Oh, you wanted heavy metal... why didn't you just say that?".
Click to expand...
Go on...

 
Getzlaf15 said:
I actually use this one a lot and time it when the room is silent for a sec after a pick.... "he sucks."
Click to expand...
I went to a draft with my wife for a league I played in for one year. This guy was taking forever to make his pick and people were getting mad. Finally, he makes the pick.

My wife - who is rather quiet and reserved - piped up with "You took that long just to pick HIM?" :lmao:  The room busted out laughing and the poor guy looked like he wanted to die.

 
Hov34 said:
So went through my parents' attic and found my Junior High Diploma (yes, there was such a thing) from 1983.

It is in a frame on my wall in my office.
Click to expand...
I had a plaque hanging in mine for the longest time from a programming contest I won in high school.

I also used to have a couple baseball trophies from high school on display.

My new schtick is if my daughter wins a medal for her softball tournaments during the weekend, I wear them to work on Monday.

 
I used to have a shirt from college that listed the program I was in (e.g. College of Engineering) except this one said “College of Graduate School”.  No idea wtf was up with that, but people asked me about it all the time.  When I bought it, I had to ask someone to gonna into the back at the bookstore to find it.  I miss that shirt.  It was like a factory second.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Whenever my girlfriend asks me "What are you doing?" and it's obvious what I'm doing...for example, I'm in front of the kitchen sink, the water is running, a dirty dish is in my left hand, a sponge in my right hand (clearly I'm doing the damn dishes and she can see all this happening) I reply with "Mowing the lawn". We rent, we don't even have a lawn. It makes her so mad that I can't resist, I'm eventually hoping this makes her stop asking obvious questions.

 
Take_The_Shot said:
Whenever my girlfriend asks me "What are you doing?" and it's obvious what I'm doing...for example, I'm in front of the kitchen sink, the water is running, a dirty dish is in my left hand, a sponge in my right hand (clearly I'm doing the damn dishes and she can see all this happening) I reply with "Mowing the lawn". We rent, we don't even have a lawn. It makes her so mad that I can't resist, I'm eventually hoping this makes her stop asking obvious questions.
Click to expand...
It won't.  Sorry.  Been doing this for 20+ years.  All you get is reminded of what an ####### you are. Constantly.

 
Ron Swanson said:
Take_The_Shot said:
Whenever my girlfriend asks me "What are you doing?" and it's obvious what I'm doing...for example, I'm in front of the kitchen sink, the water is running, a dirty dish is in my left hand, a sponge in my right hand (clearly I'm doing the damn dishes and she can see all this happening) I reply with "Mowing the lawn". We rent, we don't even have a lawn. It makes her so mad that I can't resist, I'm eventually hoping this makes her stop asking obvious questions.
Click to expand...
It won't.  Sorry.  Been doing this for 20+ years.  All you get is reminded of what an ####### you are. Constantly.
Click to expand...
This.  The better shtick is... when she's doing something obvious, like, say cooking dinner.  Ask her if she's mowing the lawn.

 
When speaking any language other than English or traveling in a foreign country, use an accent that is somewhere between Apu and Spanglish for everything. Drives the wife absolutely Bat#### crazy.

 
Charlie Steiner said:
This one came to me when my wife and I were dating: when she hands me something, I'll put it up to my ear like it's a phone and say 'hello?' then follow that up with either "it's for you" or "they hung up."  After I see my wife's reaction or non-reaction, I'll then say 'that never gets old.'  
Click to expand...
I posted something in this thread, can’t remember if it was this or not but you made me think of it.

My wife or boys do one of those fake punches on my arm and I always rub the other arm. My wife haaaates it because I’ve been doing it since I met her in 1991. 

 
Remembered one from childhood.  Some of you may be old enough to remember when you bought pop in the 80’s it was actually in glass bottles.  It seems wherever we were hanging out when I was 13 or 14, we’d always be loaded with crap we just bought at some convenience store.  We’d be hanging out at a park or in some alley or something, and when someone finished their pop, I’d say “hey toss me that bottle”.  In mid air I’d start walking away and the bottle would hit the pavement and shatter.  Not sure why but I thought it was hilarious at the time. 

 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Peak
Meaningful Gift for HS Graduate
Replies
37
Views
531
socrates
socrates
Chadstroma
Sportsmanship- A nice thing or real value?
Replies
36
Views
934
stbugs
S
Ministry of Pain
Christmas Gifts under $250...what are you wanting and what are you buying for others?
2
Replies
60
Views
2K
mr. furley
mr. furley

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 3 (members: 0, guests: 3)
Top