Sleeping separately from your spouse/SO (1 Viewer)

[-OZ-]

I'm in the minority here. We sleep separate. Both of us have had the best sleep of our lives since. Doesn't affect sexy time at all.

Been married 22 years. Started sleeping separate about 2-3 years ago. Great sleep, also doesn't affect sexy time.

25 years here. Not sleeping in the same room has zero affect on sexy time. Other things do, which sucks. health matters a lot.

 

[Don Quixote]

Seems a little dysfunctional to sleep in separate rooms/beds.

This is why we fought against it for years. When we finally decided it was the best COA, it was the best decision.
The catalyst was my CPAP. Snoring bothered her a little but the CPAP really gets her. So far, she’d prefer I didn’t die in my sleep so we sleep in different rooms.
I sleep in our bedroom, bedtime is before 9 every night. I get up by 5, usually before that. She goes to bed around 11, wakes up after 6. She loves to watch TV before she goes to sleep, I’ll do that occasionally but always turn it off before going to sleep.
I never sleep in on the weekends, she will.

It does make vacationing harder, we need a 4 or 5 bedroom place. But we sleep better. And that helps our relationship by not killing each other.

Curious why the CPAP did that? My wife thought it was better for her when I got the CPAP because I was no longer waking her up with my snoring.

 

[PIK95]

I have had a bad back during my twenty plus years of marriage. We have always worked and slept pretty opposite hours also. So I have slept on the couch 99% of our marriage.

 

[-OZ-]

Seems a little dysfunctional to sleep in separate rooms/beds.

This is why we fought against it for years. When we finally decided it was the best COA, it was the best decision.
The catalyst was my CPAP. Snoring bothered her a little but the CPAP really gets her. So far, she’d prefer I didn’t die in my sleep so we sleep in different rooms.
I sleep in our bedroom, bedtime is before 9 every night. I get up by 5, usually before that. She goes to bed around 11, wakes up after 6. She loves to watch TV before she goes to sleep, I’ll do that occasionally but always turn it off before going to sleep.
I never sleep in on the weekends, she will.

It does make vacationing harder, we need a 4 or 5 bedroom place. But we sleep better. And that helps our relationship by not killing each other.

Curious why the CPAP did that? My wife thought it was better for her when I got the CPAP because I was no longer waking her up with my snoring.

She doesn’t like the noise. Which is kinda weird because she falls sleep to the TV. It might just be that she didn’t get used to it and it’s a convenient excuse.

 

[El Floppo]

Fwiw, as an architect who specializes in private homes, I don't think I've ever designed his and hers bedrooms. Sitting room/offices, Baths and dressing rooms, always... But never bedrooms.

Maybe that can be your signature going forward

We got sigs back?

 

[Zow]

Nekkid only.

This guy knows a thing or two.

Don't know how you guys do it. I need shorts and a t shirt at least.

 

[FarFromHome]

Interesting thread. Married 25 years have always slept in same bed. Now, we do have our own blankets though. I've never slept as well when she is away.

 

[bigbottom]

Been married for 30 years. We slept together in a queen bed for the first 25. Got a sleep number 5 years ago which gives us more room (king) and we can dial in our individual mattress firmness. Not sure why, but I sleep worse when she’s away on a trip and I’m alone in the bedroom.

 

[Eephus]

Seems a little dysfunctional to sleep in separate rooms/beds.

I'm not an authority on marriage except my own but it seems that most marital dysfunction happens when you're awake.

 

[Andrew74]

We used to sleep in the same bed but as I got old, I started snoring. Eventually she said it was effecting her sleep, so she sleeps in a different room. Probably going on a couple of years. We’ve been married 29 years.

I’ve lost ~15lbs this year; would like to lose 15 more. Not sure if I’ll stop snoring then or not. If so, we’d probably need a king (we have a queen bed) as I’ve gotten used to the room.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Seems a little dysfunctional to sleep in separate rooms/beds.

This is why we fought against it for years. When we finally decided it was the best COA, it was the best decision.
The catalyst was my CPAP. Snoring bothered her a little but the CPAP really gets her. So far, she’d prefer I didn’t die in my sleep so we sleep in different rooms.
I sleep in our bedroom, bedtime is before 9 every night. I get up by 5, usually before that. She goes to bed around 11, wakes up after 6. She loves to watch TV before she goes to sleep, I’ll do that occasionally but always turn it off before going to sleep.
I never sleep in on the weekends, she will.

It does make vacationing harder, we need a 4 or 5 bedroom place. But we sleep better. And that helps our relationship by not killing each other.

Curious why the CPAP did that? My wife thought it was better for her when I got the CPAP because I was no longer waking her up with my snoring.

She doesn’t like the noise. Which is kinda weird because she falls sleep to the TV. It might just be that she didn’t get used to it and it’s a convenient excuse.

I can't stand white noise. It's like a never-ending coffee grinder to me. Might be why she dislikes it.

 

[Drunken knight]

I try to sleep in our bed. Mrs goes to sleep before, and many nights i will go downstairs to the guest room.

 

[Leroy Hoard]

Always sleep together unless one of us is really sick. We do use separate blankets because I roll myself up in them like a burrito .

Same reason I don't go camping. When the bears come around I don't want to resemble a giant burrito.

 

[fatness]

It is funny because she says some nights she doesn't sleep well because of my snoring, but she never sleeps good if I am not in bed with her.

Same here about the snoring. And about her snoring occasionally bothering me. And our vast difference in what's a comfortable temperature. And our different tolerance of noise/light in the room. Compress all that into a smaller-than-queen bed in a small house, it's an endless parade of sleep inconveniences that each of us overlooks or works through. Because those surprising moments you're awakened for 30 seconds by someone slightly moving and making physical contact with you and going "mmmmmmm" in a good way while they are asleep are worth the inconvenience to each of us. Those are some of the best moments in life. mmmmmmm

 

[DA RAIDERS]

Together. CA king. Separate blankets. Seems to work

This plus earplugs is what works for us.

My wife likes white noise. I think she’d be cool if there was a jet engine roaring through the night. I’ve become accustomed to her various methods of creating white noise. Air purifiers. Portable ac unit in the summer. fan in the window(on high) I turn it down when I come to bed, in the winter/fall. Fart fan in the bathroom. Etc. I love the redneck in my wife, no need to run the 220, we’ll do just fine with fans/ac units

I grew up in the hood right next to the LAPD headquarters. so constant noise was outside all the time. Helicopters, aka the ghetto bird. Sirens. Traffic and all that comes with it. and an infamous punk bar across the street. Which came with its own cacophony. So noise doesn’t bother me.

The true key for me is totally separate blankets. No shared anything. Totally different pillows. Her pillows suck No top sheets. And there’s always a long barrier pillow that one of us instinctively puts between us.

Ah true love…

 

[DA RAIDERS]

I sleep with my girlfriend roughly twice a week, but it would be separately if we live together. It just makes sense to me. I want to maximize the quality of my sleep. Related, but does anyone ever fall asleep actually making direct contact with their other person such as when one person is laying on top of the other or is that just something that happens on tv? I have no idea how people sleep that way.

We fall asleep in the spooning position from time to time

That is unfathomable to me. Very early on I told my wife, I love you and all. But don’t touch me once we’re sleeping. Unless…

 

[DA RAIDERS]

Nekkid only.

This guy knows a thing or two.

Don't know how you guys do it. I need shorts and a t shirt at least.

Checks notebook….yep! Won’t be naked for a massage. We’re good here.

I can’t sleep with clothes on. I will throw on a cashmere beanie if my wife has made the bedroom subarctic. It makes her laugh as well. Bonus!

 

[DA RAIDERS]

And for all you queen bed people, live a little! Get a king. Preferably a CA king(wider)

We vacation a lot. One of the deal breakers is we have to a king. Or two doubles. Or two twins. A single queen just won’t work. We’ve gotten to the point where we will ship an air mattress or get the roll away when we go deer valley(LAM!!) because the awes9me cheap place only has single queen beds.

 

[-fish-]

Live with my girlfriend. I work from home and she works at 6 am every day, but has a 4-day weekend every other week. When she works she goes to bed at 8 pm, which I just can't do. So those nights I sleep in the guest room, and the rest of the time we sleep together. It's not ideal but it works.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

I grew up in the hood right next to the LAPD headquarters. so constant noise was outside all the time. Helicopters, aka the ghetto bird. Sirens. Traffic and all that comes with it. and an infamous punk bar across the street. Which came with its own cacophony. So noise doesn’t bother me.

Just like this.

 

[Terminalxylem]

Sleep together. I’m always hot. She’s always cold together. Works out well.

Nekkid only. She puts on flannel pajama pants and she’s on her own.

This sounds almost exactly like my wife and I, though she always wears something

 

[-OZ-]

Nekkid only.

This guy knows a thing or two.

Don't know how you guys do it. I need shorts and a t shirt at least.

It’s what you get used to. I slept naked for a while but now I need to be in boxer briefs.

 

[zamboni]

Tangent from the bedtime TV thread.

Married 36 years here and have never slept separately from my wife (except business trips, etc). When at home, we've always slept in the same bed. Seems a little dysfunctional to sleep in separate rooms/beds.

Then there was last week when I got COVID. Slept in a separate room LIKE A BABY! Maybe it was the virus, but I did sleep great. Now that we're both "healthy", back to sleeping together. But I have to admit that was some restful sleep.

We have 2 bedrooms, the Master which we share and a guest bedroom/my office-part time man cave

-We sometimes sleep together and sometimes I pass out in the guest room watching our 2nd TV in there and fall asleep watching TNF, SNF, MNF
I also tend to sleep about 5-6 hours a night tops where my wife can sleep 8-10 unless I wake her up which she hates
I'll wake up at 4 am and go into the guest bedroom and flip on the TV, pull up the NFL stats and look at all my FF teams before everyone else is awake

-We almost always go to bed together, she likes for me to be with her and cuddle until she falls asleep which doesn't take long, sometimes I just go right to sleep with her, other times I will lay awake and just slip out and close the door behind me so she doesn't wake up

At first when this happened it was strange but we've been married now for almost 25 years, some nights she really doesn't like me away from her, other nights she wants to throw me out of bed because I might be tossing and turning or I wake up early and can't fall back asleep

We don't make a big issue out of it and I know when she needs me to be more involved but she also respects that I don't always want to watch what she wants to watch on the main TV and it's OK if we aren't in the same room doing the same things every night, this is where couples IMHO get into big trouble thinking they need to be attached at the hip at all times inside the home.

I didn't read past the OP but I would guess I am not the only one who experiences this and believes they are in a healthy marriage

-No 50/50 option so I just voted NO
46 to 10...WOW!

I thought the bolded was referring to the Bears/Patriots Super Bowl score in 1986.

The fact I remember this detail may be part of the reason why I find myself sleeping alone sometimes.

 

[snellman]

It is funny because she says some nights she doesn't sleep well because of my snoring, but she never sleeps good if I am not in bed with her.

Same here about the snoring. And about her snoring occasionally bothering me. And our vast difference in what's a comfortable temperature. And our different tolerance of noise/light in the room. Compress all that into a smaller-than-queen bed in a small house, it's an endless parade of sleep inconveniences that each of us overlooks or works through. Because those surprising moments you're awakened for 30 seconds by someone slightly moving and making physical contact with you and going "mmmmmmm" in a good way while they are asleep are worth the inconvenience to each of us. Those are some of the best moments in life. mmmmmmm

Get a King, it is a difference maker.

 

[mr. furley]

Wish I had my own room for sleeping.

Her nightly snoring, tossing turning and blanket hogging have made my sleep less than optimal.

Are you my wife?

i wish

 

[mr. furley]

same bed, but wish we could at least sync bedtimes.

meaning, if we go to bed at the same time, she still goes through her 1 hour long routine of getting in to the bed. that involves being in & out of the attached bathroom... 10, 12? times. turning lights on and off. running the sink at full blast, then leaving the door open, light on and exiting the room completely. often to go in the basement or one of the kid's rooms.

last night, wife went upstairs a little after 9. i went to bed a little after 10. in that hour she came up and down the stairs 3 times. in the 45 minutes after i came upstairs she went in and out of the room another 5-6 times. i lost count.

i'll sit in bed and read at night, but she often takes that as an opportunity to talk to me... or at me.. about whatever. so as i'm trying to wind down by reading, i'm continually interrupted.


and there's no waiting her out. i could have gone to bed at 11:30 and she still would have been clattering around until 20-30 minutes after i finally went to bed.

 

[SWC]

the only time me and my lady dont sleep in the same bed is when one of us is sick and we dont want to keep the other one up coughing or get the other one sick otherwise its all love all the time take to the bank brochachos

 

[Courtjester]

Wife and I have been married over 31 years--we sleep separately. She gets the bed and I get the couch. I like the couch--something about that right angle of cushions really supports your back and enables you to snuggle in there. When we go on vacation and do sleep together, i have a hard time sleeping in a tradition bed.

I snore, I know I do. She likes to watch tv and I like to go to bed. I like the fan, she likes 10 blankets. I have been a Type 1 diabetic for close to 48 years and I will often get up and check my blood if I feel like I am going a little lower, so I don't want to disturb her with that mess.

We have a very happy marriage, so this works for us.

 

[DA RAIDERS]

I grew up in the hood right next to the LAPD headquarters. so constant noise was outside all the time. Helicopters, aka the ghetto bird. Sirens. Traffic and all that comes with it. and an infamous punk bar across the street. Which came with its own cacophony. So noise doesn’t bother me.

Just like this.

Pretty much

 

[tri-man 47]

Married 41 years and sleeping in separate rooms since the kids were grown and out (so about 15 years or so). She has the master bedroom, which is en suite. Since my bathroom is down the hall, I've learned where to step to avoid any creaking from the hardwood floor. But she is very sensitive, and still hears the movement ("you went to the bathroom at 3:41 am last night, didn't you?"). I don't know how we survived the earlier years.

 

[Chris B.]

Prior to our pandemic baby, my wife and I slept in the same bed. Now, we alternate nights sleeping across the hall from our kid. As soon as the kid is ready to sleep through the night in her own bed, we'll be back in our master bedroom together.

Voted - separate beds

 

[NewlyRetired]

Roughly about 6-7 months a year we sleep separately and the rest together. It is a heat thing.

I can’t fall asleep if the temp is above 67 and the wife abhors air conditioning.

 

[Brunell4MVP]

And for all you queen bed people, live a little! Get a king. Preferably a CA king(wider)

We vacation a lot. One of the deal breakers is we have to a king. Or two doubles. Or two twins. A single queen just won’t work. We’ve gotten to the point where we will ship an air mattress or get the roll away when we go deer valley(LAM!!) because the awes9me cheap place only has single queen beds.

The two doubles hotel room is a ++++. Get some action. Take a few steps to the other bed. Sleep in peace.

For whatever reason this thread reminds me of that Fred Klett comedy sketch about married life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntvyMfRPKBM When I got married I learned that I breathe ... WAY TOO LOUD

 

[wlwiles]

Married for 15 years. Spent the first two years sleeping in the same bed, until I went on a two week work trip. Both of us got the best sleep of our lives solo, so we opted to try it out separately. We realized it was based on two things - she likes to stay up watching TV while I'm trying to fall asleep, and my snoring kept her up.

Fast forward to 2 years ago. Wife is now 40 and doesn't want to stay up late anymore, so we go to bed at the same time. And I got a CPAP so no more snoring. We went back to sleeping together and are doing just fine with it.

Nobody can spoon all night and sleep comfortably. The movies are a myth. Sleeping apart has zero to do with sexy time (if you make the effort to not let it interfere). Prioritize your sleep - the average person spends 25-33% of their life sleeping so it's pretty important.

 

[Pipes]

None of these apply. Sleep in same bed with my wife of almost 30 years on average 5 times per week. We have a queen size bed and tv in our spare bedroom so sleep in there a couple of times per week on average. If I’m out drinking with the boys after golf/softball that’s an automatic or if I know she has a busy day at work or if I know I’m going to be tossing and turning I’ll go sleep upstairs

In the winter months when colds and other illnesses are going around we sleep apart more often. Honestly started getting more action when we started doing this a few years ago after the oldest moved out

 

[JohnnyU]

Is there an option in sleeping in separate houses or city that isn’t called divorce?

 

[JohnnyU]

Get a bigger bed.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Get a bigger bed.

We did. It's split between two rooms.

 

[Terminalxylem]

Nekkid only.

This guy knows a thing or two.

Don't know how you guys do it. I need shorts and a t shirt at least.

Why? If you’re cold, it makes sense to wear clothing to sleep. Otherwise,

 

[Runkle]

I work a 9-5 job. GF works 2pm - 2am. We prefer separate bedrooms whenever we're waking up at wildly different times.

 

[JohnnyU]

Get a bigger bed.

We did. It's split between two rooms.

 

[Eephus]

Get a bigger bed.

For that I'd need a bigger room and for that I'd need a bigger house

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Get a bigger bed.

For that I'd need a bigger room and for that I'd need a bigger house

And...

 

[Zow]

Nekkid only.

This guy knows a thing or two.

Don't know how you guys do it. I need shorts and a t shirt at least.

Why? If you’re cold, it makes sense to wear clothing to sleep. Otherwise,

I don't have a logical or objective answer. Just a preference/comfort thing for me. It drives my wife nuts if we have a night away from the kids and I still sneak my clothes back on when I think she's asleep.

 

[Zow]

Get a bigger bed.

We did. It's split between two rooms.

Laughing emoji

 

[snogger]

Tangent from the bedtime TV thread.

Married 36 years here and have never slept separately from my wife (except business trips, etc). When at home, we've always slept in the same bed. Seems a little dysfunctional to sleep in separate rooms/beds.

Then there was last week when I got COVID. Slept in a separate room LIKE A BABY! Maybe it was the virus, but I did sleep great. Now that we're both "healthy", back to sleeping together. But I have to admit that was some restful sleep.

33 years married. Neither of us sleep well without the other one next to us.
When I can't sleep due to anxiety and depression, I go to the living room, and she always complains that she tossed and turned all night.

 

[snogger]

Wish I had my own room for sleeping.

Her nightly snoring, tossing turning and blanket hogging have made my sleep less than optimal.

We've been married 33 years.. Stopped sharing a blanket 33 years ago.

 

[dickey moe]

Wish I had my own room for sleeping.

Her nightly snoring, tossing turning and blanket hogging have made my sleep less than optimal.

We've been married 33 years.. Stopped sharing a blanket 33 years ago.

Where have you been, man?

 

[snogger]

Always together but with a king bed. In other words, we are past the point of cuddling/touching but I don't think it has ever crossed either of our minds to sleep separately. A big benefit here is that she likes to fall asleep with the TV on and I prefer it off, but I got used to going to sleep with the TV on due to a college roommate (I roomed with him for all four years) who needed it on and I learned to adjust.

King bed is definitely the answer. We have two dogs that spend the night in our bed as well, so they get the middle.
When we go on vacation it is either a King bed, or two Queens and we sleep separate.

 

[snogger]

Wish I had my own room for sleeping.

Her nightly snoring, tossing turning and blanket hogging have made my sleep less than optimal.

We've been married 33 years.. Stopped sharing a blanket 33 years ago.

Where have you been, man?

Been mainly visiting and posting here and then. Been dealing with Anxiety and some depression for the past year, so not as talky as I was.
Therapy is helping.
Thanks for asking.