Chadstroma
Footballguy
With all respect to your wife, I think she is wrong. An ultimatum like that will absolutely echo the abandonment and abuse she has experienced in the past even though it would be very different. Kids at this age don't separate things like that. I don't see it happening and could very well severely damage your relationship.Been a bit since I updated and it’s been a rough time. She still loves me, we hang out a lot and everything but whatever magic I had to make her believe she could overcome her problems has dissipated. The trauma and chaotic upbringing is just too much right now. It’s still way way better than when I found her but I am worried about where she is headed in life.
My wife thinks I should put my foot down more and tell if she’s not doing what she needs to do, I won’t talk to her or won’t hang out with her. To me, if I’m her dad (which all basically accept) then that seems cruel and neglectful. I mean I’m not going to spend a bunch of money doing fun things she wants all the time but I still want to get dinner and watch movies and talk about her life. I get my wife’s idea but I just don’t agree with it. What do you guys think?
However, being the father figure, you can't just be the friend that listens and is there for her always because that is ignoring the 'authority' figure that a father is. Kids, and I think especially girls, crave having someone that will sternly tell them that they need to stop doing whatever. My guess is that you may have been avoiding doing some 'authority' because of her background and your wife is reacting to that, though I think her solution is way too far and not a good fit for her.
In a 'normal' father/daughter relationship, there is the options to enforce through actions like grounding them or taking away a phone (oh my, you would think their life was over if you take their phone away the way they react to that). That 'enforcement' allows for a better conversation later. I am not sure how that plays out in your situation since she doesn't live with you and you are not the legal guardian (unless I missed something that that is in error). I don't have a solution for you on it but I do think you need to figure out a way to be the FULL father figure to her rather than just the warm/fuzzy always there for you side of being a father.