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Teenagers - A support thread (1 Viewer)

All I know is, we are raising kids that lack the ability to cope. I currently have one who's really struggling in school.
Just because that's true of your child, doesn't mean that it's true of all or most of them.

Expecting parents to cope with a medical issue that truly is above their pay grade is just not viable.

And the "just move on" thing is insulting to anyone with depression, especially post-partum depression, or any other medical issue. It's like telling someone with a broken leg to walk it off.

Regarding “just move on”…

I said :

“ I can also sympathize and understand that works for me and not for others.”

How is it insulting to you when I acknowledge that it’s how i choose to deal?
It does imply that this is a viable strategy for everyone. It sort of hints that others are somehow weak.

I'm also concerned that it hurts you.

I always appreciate your responses and thank you for your concern.

I haven't gotten to this point without acknowledging these events or things that have happened to me. Ive talked about them with "professionals". Then what? We gonna talk about them some more? We just did that. Again, I think I said this up thread, take time.

DO:

Cry. Sit in a dark room, Cry so hard that snot bubbles are coming out of your nose and scream until youre horse. Get after it! When you have done all that, take yor *** into the shower, do some push ups, eat a good breakfast and get some sun. Heal.

DONT

Talk about it with somebody once a week for an indefinate amount of time

As far as implying that its a viable strategy for everyone, No, there are a small percentage that cant be helped. For most, I sure do. I think its far better than the alternative.
 
The last thing I would ever do is let some lunatic psychiatrist lead my daughters down a path of mental illness. I’ve seen several of my daughter’s friends go from perfectly normal teenage girls to whacked out anxiety, ridden, disasters.

I would exhaust every resource before doing that.

Just my :2cents:
:rolleyes::<_<:

If you disagree, then let’s talk about it.

My stance is that you should try your very best to handle your own house before subbing out your parenting to strangers who have a vested interest in finding things wrong with people as a means to put food on their plate.

Was I a tad hyperbolic in calling all psychiatrists “lunatics”? Yes. Obviously.

I’m not firing from the hip. Ive done counseling. Both marriage and on my own. One of my my kids went through 4 of them. It has it place and can be positive.

I simply think letting a stranger play in the malleable putty that is your child’s adolescent brain is a horrifically risky proposition with potentially life long consequences.

Where do you disagree?
I wasn't going to bother to respond as I highly doubt you're at all interested in evaluating your current viewpoint when you're calling physicians "lunatics". Maybe I'm wrong, though. But, more importantly, I'll respond for any others that might be reading what you're writing in hopes of providing information.

I disagree 100% with virtually everything you wrote here.

1) Calling a physician a "lunatic" is incredibly demeaning and insulting. It's not a "tad hyperbolic". It's way over the line.

2) Perhaps you're confusing therapists and psychiatrists. Those are two different entities. So, in case you or others don't know, psychiatrists are MDs or DOs that have gone through medical school and then AT LEAST 3 years of residency to practice. Some do additional fellowships to do child and adolescent psychiatry. In total, that's anywhere from 11-13 years of graduate training (4 year of college, 4 years of medical school, 3 years of residency, and 2 years of fellowship if specializing in child/adolescent psychiatry). They are physicians and they diagnose mental health conditions and prescribe medications that may be necessary.

Therapists usually have completed a master's degree and/or a doctoral degree. However, they do not diagnose and they do not prescribe medications. An equivalent way of thinking about it is seeing an orthopedic doctor for an injury (psychiatrist) who diagnoses and figures out whatever treatments are needed and then may refer you to see a physical therapist (mental health therapist) for weekly/monthly/whatever treatments are recommended.

3) The idea that psychiatrists lead girls from normal girls to "anxiety, ridden disasters" is just absurd. That's the equivalent of suggesting going to see your regular doctor caused you to have high blood pressure or diabetes. It's ridiculous.

4) You can feel like having a "stranger play in the malleable putty that is your child’s adolescent brain is a horrifically risky proposition", but that's another ridiculous take. Mental health professionals LITERALLY save lives of teenage children that are depressed and potentially suicidal.

5) Psychiatrists DO NOT "have a vested interest in finding things wrong with people as a means to put food on their plate". Once again, that's an absurd take. Same way your regular doctor isn't looking for things wrong for their paycheck. That's not how billing even works. And, again, it's insulting to a profession that literally spends over a decade training to help other people.

So, suffice to say, I disagree wholeheartedly with everything you've posted from your original post that I quoted with my reaction and as well as this one. Again, I doubt you're interested in changing your views, but I'll respond once as a courtesy despite your disrespectful post to an entire profession.

I’ll get back to you on this. I wouldn’t have asked you for a dialog if I wasnt interested in one.

Just a busy weekend.

Are you a mental health, professional? I’m asking because you had quite the emotional response to what I would consider a few throwaway lines.

This can be a good discussion.

My best friend is an MD. He'll be the first to tell you doctors (and therapists) are far from infallible.

If you folks want to have a discussion on medical industry stuff like the Good Energy book from the Callie Means that can be a topic. Rogan did a long interview here. Or google Abigail Shrier or read "Bad Therapy" if you want to discuss that part and see other viewpoints.

But everyone please dial back the "absurd" or "lunatic" tone for here.

This should be a good supportive thread.
 
dad of 16 and 13 year old girls. this **** feels impossible some days.

there's almost no "right" way to handle things. some days are great and they're just normal.. regular.. conversational and excited to tell me things. then i might blink wrong while they're talking, it gets interpreted as me being "mad at them" and i get told that i have to be careful about how i react because they're girls. asking what i did wrong, or what i can do to not do it wrong just makes things worse.

was having a great day yesterday, asked the oldest to empty the dishwasher (her chore) and it set off drawer and cupboard slamming, moaning and groaning about how her sister doesn't have to do chores (she does, she's just more mindful about completing them) and then her fighting with my wife... my fault.

:shrug:

there's a lot of just listening and letting them talk about school, their interests and drama with friends. i've learned that all they want from me is to listen and agree. they do not like if i ask questions in an attempt to better understand their feelings, thought process, etc. so i'm listening as much as possible.. which, on certain days, gets interpreted as "not caring". it's a catch-22. damned if you do, damned if you don't.

from 0 - 11 or so they were daddy's girls. we did absolutely everything together. all the time. they were around me constantly. everywhere i went, they came with. starting around middle school they started drifting away and it just sucks.

i try to remind myself what an older friend of mine said about his daddy's girls drifting away from middle school until they moved out and how they have come full circle but that feels a long ways off these days. so much going on in their heads, i'm sure, and they lean on mom because she can relate but it gets lonely a lot more these days than it used to.
Yep. I feel ya’ man.

Seems like I can’t say the right thing to my 16 year old son these days either. Then when I just listen and don’t talk, everyone wonders why I’m so quiet.
man, do i get this.

tend to be on the quieter side. more a listener than a talker in general. and having 3 women in the house enhances this whether i intend it or not.

it's tough finding that sweet spot of knowing when to talk and how to limit it to "you're kidding!?" and "uh huh" instead of actually having thoughts/opinions. a lotta days feels like i'm just a dumpster for their brains, a pack mule for moving heavy things and the person everyone can be mad at if something goes wrong.
 
dad of 16 and 13 year old girls. this **** feels impossible some days.

there's almost no "right" way to handle things. some days are great and they're just normal.. regular.. conversational and excited to tell me things. then i might blink wrong while they're talking, it gets interpreted as me being "mad at them" and i get told that i have to be careful about how i react because they're girls. asking what i did wrong, or what i can do to not do it wrong just makes things worse.

was having a great day yesterday, asked the oldest to empty the dishwasher (her chore) and it set off drawer and cupboard slamming, moaning and groaning about how her sister doesn't have to do chores (she does, she's just more mindful about completing them) and then her fighting with my wife... my fault.

:shrug:

there's a lot of just listening and letting them talk about school, their interests and drama with friends. i've learned that all they want from me is to listen and agree. they do not like if i ask questions in an attempt to better understand their feelings, thought process, etc. so i'm listening as much as possible.. which, on certain days, gets interpreted as "not caring". it's a catch-22. damned if you do, damned if you don't.

from 0 - 11 or so they were daddy's girls. we did absolutely everything together. all the time. they were around me constantly. everywhere i went, they came with. starting around middle school they started drifting away and it just sucks.

i try to remind myself what an older friend of mine said about his daddy's girls drifting away from middle school until they moved out and how they have come full circle but that feels a long ways off these days. so much going on in their heads, i'm sure, and they lean on mom because she can relate but it gets lonely a lot more these days than it used to.
Yep. I feel ya’ man.

Seems like I can’t say the right thing to my 16 year old son these days either. Then when I just listen and don’t talk, everyone wonders why I’m so quiet.
man, do i get this.

tend to be on the quieter side. more a listener than a talker in general. and having 3 women in the house enhances this whether i intend it or not.

it's tough finding that sweet spot of knowing when to talk and how to limit it to "you're kidding!?" and "uh huh" instead of actually having thoughts/opinions. a lotta days feels like i'm just a dumpster for their brains, a pack mule for moving heavy things and the person everyone can be mad at if something goes wrong.
Yeah for sure. And on top of that you know that you are just providing wisdom and it's being treated as if you are the biggest moron on the planet.

And I did lol at the pack mule part. I've repeated that line to my wife and kids at least 427 times in the last 19 years of having children. :lol:
 
dad of 16 and 13 year old girls. this **** feels impossible some days.

there's almost no "right" way to handle things. some days are great and they're just normal.. regular.. conversational and excited to tell me things. then i might blink wrong while they're talking, it gets interpreted as me being "mad at them" and i get told that i have to be careful about how i react because they're girls. asking what i did wrong, or what i can do to not do it wrong just makes things worse.

was having a great day yesterday, asked the oldest to empty the dishwasher (her chore) and it set off drawer and cupboard slamming, moaning and groaning about how her sister doesn't have to do chores (she does, she's just more mindful about completing them) and then her fighting with my wife... my fault.

:shrug:

there's a lot of just listening and letting them talk about school, their interests and drama with friends. i've learned that all they want from me is to listen and agree. they do not like if i ask questions in an attempt to better understand their feelings, thought process, etc. so i'm listening as much as possible.. which, on certain days, gets interpreted as "not caring". it's a catch-22. damned if you do, damned if you don't.

from 0 - 11 or so they were daddy's girls. we did absolutely everything together. all the time. they were around me constantly. everywhere i went, they came with. starting around middle school they started drifting away and it just sucks.

i try to remind myself what an older friend of mine said about his daddy's girls drifting away from middle school until they moved out and how they have come full circle but that feels a long ways off these days. so much going on in their heads, i'm sure, and they lean on mom because she can relate but it gets lonely a lot more these days than it used to.
Yep. I feel ya’ man.

Seems like I can’t say the right thing to my 16 year old son these days either. Then when I just listen and don’t talk, everyone wonders why I’m so quiet.
man, do i get this.

tend to be on the quieter side. more a listener than a talker in general. and having 3 women in the house enhances this whether i intend it or not.

it's tough finding that sweet spot of knowing when to talk and how to limit it to "you're kidding!?" and "uh huh" instead of actually having thoughts/opinions. a lotta days feels like i'm just a dumpster for their brains, a pack mule for moving heavy things and the person everyone can be mad at if something goes wrong.
Yeah for sure. And on top of that you know that you are just providing wisdom and it's being treated as if you are the biggest moron on the planet.

And I did lol at the pack mule part. I've repeated that line to my wife and kids at least 427 times in the last 19 years of having children. :lol:


All I am is a paycheck and chauffeur to you people!!!!!!!!
 
All I know is, we are raising kids that lack the ability to cope. I currently have one who's really struggling in school. Not grades-wise, but just basically doesn't want to be there. Just going to school gives her tremendous anxiety. Her school is a **** show. Lots of bad behaviors. Lots of entitled kids who do whatever they want, with little repercussion. But, life is hard.....I'm with Steady on this......have a mental health day once in a while, and then keep moving forward. That's what are trying to do with our kid. She sees a therapist too.

I truly believe social media, and addiction to screens is a big one here.
Public schools seem like the Wild Wild West now to me. Not like they were when I was growing up. It seems that everything is about accommodating kids that when we were growing up would not be bent to.... an example of our local high school is a kid that thinks they are a dog, so everything accommodates that including but not limited to them having a collar and leash, water bowl, etc. My daughter went to a teen center place here and there for some summer programs that they had. She told me that she was uncomfortable because there were 'Furries' there. Not one... but multiple. I never, ever, ever had to deal with anything remotely close to that as a kid.

And then the problem kids seem to be accommodated as well versus back when I was a kid... they were not allowed to disrupt and after doing it too many times were sent to the 'troubled kid school' after being expelled from the regular schools. And this coming from a very mild version of a problem kid (class clown type that teachers either loved to death or hated with a burning passion).

I am not sure if it is a lack of ability to cope as it is that kids these days are dealing with much more than we ever did in school and it isn't like Jr High and HS were 'easy' back then. Add in the social media on top of that.... I am amazed at how well some of our kids are navigating the waters these days and certainly can understand those who are having trouble. Pretty much all the studies now show that our kids are struggling with mental/emotional issues in ways that past generations never even had to start to deal with. It is hard for me to even fathom the things that kids these days have to deal with.
Moving forward I will only use my families experiences......

My daughter has a hard time with all of what you speak of above. It's complicated.....girls are complicated!

We are just trying to get her through high school, where she has to be around the same people every day.....where the adults in charge really don't seem to be in charge anymore.
 
dad of 16 and 13 year old girls. this **** feels impossible some days.

there's almost no "right" way to handle things. some days are great and they're just normal.. regular.. conversational and excited to tell me things. then i might blink wrong while they're talking, it gets interpreted as me being "mad at them" and i get told that i have to be careful about how i react because they're girls. asking what i did wrong, or what i can do to not do it wrong just makes things worse.

was having a great day yesterday, asked the oldest to empty the dishwasher (her chore) and it set off drawer and cupboard slamming, moaning and groaning about how her sister doesn't have to do chores (she does, she's just more mindful about completing them) and then her fighting with my wife... my fault.

:shrug:

there's a lot of just listening and letting them talk about school, their interests and drama with friends. i've learned that all they want from me is to listen and agree. they do not like if i ask questions in an attempt to better understand their feelings, thought process, etc. so i'm listening as much as possible.. which, on certain days, gets interpreted as "not caring". it's a catch-22. damned if you do, damned if you don't.

from 0 - 11 or so they were daddy's girls. we did absolutely everything together. all the time. they were around me constantly. everywhere i went, they came with. starting around middle school they started drifting away and it just sucks.

i try to remind myself what an older friend of mine said about his daddy's girls drifting away from middle school until they moved out and how they have come full circle but that feels a long ways off these days. so much going on in their heads, i'm sure, and they lean on mom because she can relate but it gets lonely a lot more these days than it used to.
Yep. I feel ya’ man.

Seems like I can’t say the right thing to my 16 year old son these days either. Then when I just listen and don’t talk, everyone wonders why I’m so quiet.
man, do i get this.

tend to be on the quieter side. more a listener than a talker in general. and having 3 women in the house enhances this whether i intend it or not.

it's tough finding that sweet spot of knowing when to talk and how to limit it to "you're kidding!?" and "uh huh" instead of actually having thoughts/opinions. a lotta days feels like i'm just a dumpster for their brains, a pack mule for moving heavy things and the person everyone can be mad at if something goes wrong.
Yeah for sure. And on top of that you know that you are just providing wisdom and it's being treated as if you are the biggest moron on the planet.

And I did lol at the pack mule part. I've repeated that line to my wife and kids at least 427 times in the last 19 years of having children. :lol:
Someday your kids will tell you "remember when you said __________________ You were right." Trust me, it makes everything worth it. My 3 oldest are now 30, 29 and 28. It makes me feel good when they say this along with other things that I thought they weren't listening to when they were teenagers.
 
dad of 16 and 13 year old girls. this **** feels impossible some days.

there's almost no "right" way to handle things. some days are great and they're just normal.. regular.. conversational and excited to tell me things. then i might blink wrong while they're talking, it gets interpreted as me being "mad at them" and i get told that i have to be careful about how i react because they're girls. asking what i did wrong, or what i can do to not do it wrong just makes things worse.

was having a great day yesterday, asked the oldest to empty the dishwasher (her chore) and it set off drawer and cupboard slamming, moaning and groaning about how her sister doesn't have to do chores (she does, she's just more mindful about completing them) and then her fighting with my wife... my fault.

:shrug:

there's a lot of just listening and letting them talk about school, their interests and drama with friends. i've learned that all they want from me is to listen and agree. they do not like if i ask questions in an attempt to better understand their feelings, thought process, etc. so i'm listening as much as possible.. which, on certain days, gets interpreted as "not caring". it's a catch-22. damned if you do, damned if you don't.

from 0 - 11 or so they were daddy's girls. we did absolutely everything together. all the time. they were around me constantly. everywhere i went, they came with. starting around middle school they started drifting away and it just sucks.

i try to remind myself what an older friend of mine said about his daddy's girls drifting away from middle school until they moved out and how they have come full circle but that feels a long ways off these days. so much going on in their heads, i'm sure, and they lean on mom because she can relate but it gets lonely a lot more these days than it used to.
Yep. I feel ya’ man.

Seems like I can’t say the right thing to my 16 year old son these days either. Then when I just listen and don’t talk, everyone wonders why I’m so quiet.
man, do i get this.

tend to be on the quieter side. more a listener than a talker in general. and having 3 women in the house enhances this whether i intend it or not.

it's tough finding that sweet spot of knowing when to talk and how to limit it to "you're kidding!?" and "uh huh" instead of actually having thoughts/opinions. a lotta days feels like i'm just a dumpster for their brains, a pack mule for moving heavy things and the person everyone can be mad at if something goes wrong.
Yeah for sure. And on top of that you know that you are just providing wisdom and it's being treated as if you are the biggest moron on the planet.

And I did lol at the pack mule part. I've repeated that line to my wife and kids at least 427 times in the last 19 years of having children. :lol:
Someday your kids will tell you "remember when you said __________________ You were right." Trust me, it makes everything worth it. My 3 oldest are now 30, 29 and 28. It makes me feel good when they say this along with other things that I thought they weren't listening to when they were teenagers.
We are definitely in the "know it all teenager" stage. I keep giving sage advice though, hoping it is being filed away......it's like you have to convince them that, yes, I too was a teenager once. I too had to deal with all the same issues you are now..... different details, but things don't really change for adolescents all that much when it comes down to it. Just the details change......loving yourself, and not caring what other people think is THE most important thing a kid can learn.
 
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Haven't read all the posts but I can imagine many of them. Have 3 kids all grown adults now. Middle daughter I had to take her bedroom door off after she kept charging up the stairs and slamming it. Warned her, she did it again, off it came for 2 weeks. I always tried to be fair but actions had consequences. Not my job to be their friend as teenagers. It was to keep them safe and on a good path. I don't care if all the other kids can go to the mall by themselves at 10. Not gonna happen. I've had an older guy catfishing my daughter online when she was 16. Literally wanted her to go out of state to meet him. I found out he was using fake pictures to pretend he was some guy in a band, got him on the phone, threatened him legally and physically if he ever contacted her again. My daughter was shocked that he wasn't who he said he was and ultimately thanked me. Have to protect them from themselves. I always gave them an out re drugs - tell anyone who offers them to you that your Dad drug tests you when you get home. It will end it and you won't be judged. They thanked me for the strategy and being the bad guy for them.

It's a journey. Kids worship the ground you walk on when young and think you are all knowing for awhile. Then they start to push back and distance themselves a bit. Even get embarrassed by you. Want to be dropped off school a block away - things like that. Then around 15-16 they think you don't know jack. That you don't get it. Just shake their heads when talking to you. You think nothing you say is getting heard. Then - it all comes back around as one poster said. Often, it's when they go off to college to be with other kids, and they then start realizing how good they had it. They start repeating things you had told them and you realize they had heard you all along.

Parenting is such a tough job. Rewarding, but tough. I don't envy those raising teenagers in this era. The internet and cell phones make everything worse and far more scary. They post one picture and it can be over. Make an insensitive post that can be taken the wrong way and their future is in jeopardy. One wrong choice in a car - etc. One bad choice taking a pill. Have to protect their mental health and self esteem as they go through middle school - which is the hardest challenge. No guarantees, and anybody who ends up with well adjusted young adults has done well. Much respect for all of you trying to make it happen.
 
Haven't read all the posts but I can imagine many of them. Have 3 kids all grown adults now. Middle daughter I had to take her bedroom door off after she kept charging up the stairs and slamming it. Warned her, she did it again, off it came for 2 weeks. I always tried to be fair but actions had consequences. Not my job to be their friend as teenagers. It was to keep them safe and on a good path. I don't care if all the other kids can go to the mall by themselves at 10. Not gonna happen. I've had an older guy catfishing my daughter online when she was 16. Literally wanted her to go out of state to meet him. I found out he was using fake pictures to pretend he was some guy in a band, got him on the phone, threatened him legally and physically if he ever contacted her again. My daughter was shocked that he wasn't who he said he was and ultimately thanked me. Have to protect them from themselves. I always gave them an out re drugs - tell anyone who offers them to you that your Dad drug tests you when you get home. It will end it and you won't be judged. They thanked me for the strategy and being the bad guy for them.

It's a journey. Kids worship the ground you walk on when young and think you are all knowing for awhile. Then they start to push back and distance themselves a bit. Even get embarrassed by you. Want to be dropped off school a block away - things like that. Then around 15-16 they think you don't know jack. That you don't get it. Just shake their heads when talking to you. You think nothing you say is getting heard. Then - it all comes back around as one poster said. Often, it's when they go off to college to be with other kids, and they then start realizing how good they had it. They start repeating things you had told them and you realize they had heard you all along.

Parenting is such a tough job. Rewarding, but tough. I don't envy those raising teenagers in this era. The internet and cell phones make everything worse and far more scary. They post one picture and it can be over. Make an insensitive post that can be taken the wrong way and their future is in jeopardy. One wrong choice in a car - etc. One bad choice taking a pill. Have to protect their mental health and self esteem as they go through middle school - which is the hardest challenge. No guarantees, and anybody who ends up with well adjusted young adults has done well. Much respect for all of you trying to make it happen.

I also had to remove the door for my youngest for a period of time.

IIRC, I once shut off the main breaker because they wouldn’t listen.

The oldest will tell anyone who will listen about the time her father threw her phone out of the house into the front yard.
 
Talk about it with somebody once a week for an indefinate amount of time
For some people, this is absolutely necessary. Trauma doesn't go away after a few weeks. Sometimes it takes a good bit of time and assistance.
For sure. And IME the best therapists are looking for ways to listen, get you to dig deeper, and then figure out how to help you move ina direction you'd like to go. Therapy doesn't have to be just talking incessantly week after week, unless that's what you want.

And of course there are bad therapists. Bad therapists shouldn't shouldn't detract from the profession, the way bad apple cops shouldn't detract from theirs.

Maybe I'm spoiled by living in NYC where it feels there are more therapists than residents... Like sheep in New Zealand. So back when I was doing it, I went through 4 until I found one that seemed right for me. Did a couple couples counselors too to help the wife and I get sthrough some things before we got married. Some weren't right for me or us, but that didn't mean the profession was useless. That seems an awfully naive viewpoint.
 
So I’m fast approaching the it’s time to cut the kids loose. They think they know it all, aren’t interested in learning…..anything.

I think the kids reaching “maturity” and the holidays has been a seismic shift in our family dynamic. Wife is feeling unloved and unneeded by the girls. I’m always happy-go-lucky and not the best with negative emotions so I’m no help. 30th of Dec is when her mother passed so add that cherry on top.

We just arent feeing appreciated. It’s not really our kids jobs to kiss our *** for everything we’ve done but they should! Lmao

Oldest (20,) is struggling. Got in over her head in college (grades). She is working her way out but I think she’s sinking. She’s a hard worker but a procrastinator.

Youngest is still home going to CC and can be an absolute terror when she’s overstimulated or hangry but is actually kicking ***. She looks like she’s actually headed into a college degree AND the trades (HQ job).

Theyre good kids and I’m probably exaggerating a little but It’s just hard watching them headed in the direction that they’re gonna make mistakes and regret - and not being able to stop them from it.

I know this is the way, but knowing it and coming to grips with it is different.


How have some of you handled the “letting them go” or letting go of the worry? Should I just stop “helping/advising” and only wait for them to ask for help?

Like no more parenting, just listening and helping not if necessary?
 
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So I’m fast approaching the it’s time to cut the kids loose. They think they know it all, aren’t interested in learning…..anything.

I think the kids reaching “maturity” and the holidays has been a seismic shift in our family dynamic. Wife is feeling unloved and unneeded by the girls. I’m always happy-go-lucky and not the best with negative emotions so I’m no help. 30th of Dec is when her mother passed so add that cherry on top.

We just arent feeing appreciated. It’s not really our kids jobs to kiss our *** for everything we’ve done but they should! Lmao

Oldest (20,) is struggling. Got in over her head in college (grades). She is working her way out but I think she’s sinking. She’s a hard worker but a procrastinator.

Youngest is still home going to CC and can be an absolute terror when she’s overstimulated or hangry but is actually kicking ***. She looks like she’s actually headed into a college degree AND the trades (HQ job).

Theyre good kids and I’m probably exaggerating a little but It’s just hard watching them headed in the direction that they’re gonna make mistakes and regret - and not being able to stop them from it.

I know this is the way, but knowing it and coming to grips with it is different.


How have some of you handled the “letting them go” or letting go of the worry? Should I just stop “helping/advising” and only wait for them to ask for help?

Like no more parenting, just listening and helping not if necessary?

This could be a book.

First thing, my 4 "kids" are adults. Ages 24-30.

I don't think you ever stop "worrying". Although it probably turns more into "care" or "think about". In my case, it's "pray for" as well but I fully get that's not everyone.

I think it's perfectly natural for them to act as if they know everything. I thought I knew everything from ages 16-26. That's natural.

For the direction, and how much to "let them go" I think it's sort of weighing the consequences. And a big part of that is how reversible are they?

In other words, lots of things can be a "try it out and see how it goes" experience. Those I don't worry much about. Others are "this decision is irreversible and if it's not right, there will be massive pain and consequences". It's a balance there.

Also, 20 year olds today will probably live to be 90 or even 100. There is a LOT of time for young people.

We think you have to have everything figured out by the time you're 21. That's because people used to die at 50.

At 21, they are just starting their adult life. They likely have 70-80 more years of adulthood left.

Now that doesn't mean they can just check out and do nothing. But I think they also don't have to have it all figured out by the time they hit 21.

For you, the main thing I'd say is do what I've said above: Keep that connection. Even if it feels like it's a thin string and not a strong rope, keep that connection. Do all you can not to lose that connection. Because once they're completely disconnected, it's a different type of discussion to pull them back in.

🙏 to you.
 
Copying this from another similar thread. The drinking part doesn't relate but the other is pretty general. https://forums.footballguys.com/threads/help-for-a-heartsick-dad.810814/page-2

Couple of things.

1. Teenage kids are like aliens. You have a sweet 10 year old and all of a sudden something happens. You know this. As you said, you did the same thing yourself. There are all kinds of new issues today with social media and other things, but the reality is this has been going on for a long time. It might not make it any less heartbreaking, but know it's not unusual.

2. The key in my opinion is do everything you can not break relationship. Sounds like it's gone from being best friends with your arms on each other shoulders to now the connection is more like a rope stretched between you that feels fraying. That's ok.

Just do everything you can to not let the rope break.

You can pull her back in even with a frayed rope. But when the rope is broken, it's much more difficult to reestablish the connection.

3. That's great news you've gotten sober. Sounds like that was a thing for her and that's a huge step you've taken in the right direction.

4. Step parenting and figuring out new blended families is a huge challenge. I'd say it's totally normal for a daughter to have negative feelings about a dad's new girlfriend. Especially if her kids are not great.

Obviously, this is a balance and I know nothing about anything, but it may well come down to you having to make a choice. If your daughter is being reasonable, (and that's a lot to unpack there), that might affect how you move forward with the girlfriend. Again, that's impossible for me to know from a distance. But a thought.

I think if it were me, I'd try again with a written message. Those are always best as you don't get off track or interrupted.

I'd let her know how much you value her.

Apologize for the drinking. (Side note apologize directly for what YOU did. Not how for what she might have felt. Not "Sorry you didn't like _____".)

Let her know you listened to her and you've stopped drinking and are more healhty.

Let her know the reason you did all that was to be the best dad for her.

Let her know you love her unconditionally and you want the best for her.

Let her know you're there for her whenever she is ready.

And then maybe start super small. Lunch somewhere. Coffee somewhere. Small stuff.

And then the hardest part is you have to be patient. And don't give her any reason to think what you're saying isn't true.

Sorry to be playing armchair counselor. But I've seen this kind of thing before.
 
Wife is feeling unloved and unneeded by the girls.
Probably means you are both doing something right. When Mr R started school, my MIL was a bit put out that he just ran into school all excited to be there. Same deal here. You have confident kids. But they do still need you. At some point, the odds are they'll come home for some home comfort. Just be open when it happens. It will just feel weird for a while.
 
Saturday we had the first family Christmas with the kid. My wife, the 16 year old and the puppy. It really was one of the best days of my life. It was all so perfect. It's crazy how much this has changed me and my life. I never in a million years could have predicted this. We had dinner, exchanged gifts, watched a movie and made a gingerbread house. She was so happy, just beaming.
 
Saturday we had the first family Christmas with the kid. My wife, the 16 year old and the puppy. It really was one of the best days of my life. It was all so perfect. It's crazy how much this has changed me and my life. I never in a million years could have predicted this. We had dinner, exchanged gifts, watched a movie and made a gingerbread house. She was so happy, just beaming.

Awesome. Great to hear. And a good reminder that sometimes it takes time and just hanging on as best you can. Hope y'all have a great Holidays.
 
Saturday we had the first family Christmas with the kid. My wife, the 16 year old and the puppy. It really was one of the best days of my life. It was all so perfect. It's crazy how much this has changed me and my life. I never in a million years could have predicted this. We had dinner, exchanged gifts, watched a movie and made a gingerbread house. She was so happy, just beaming.

Awesome. Great to hear. And a good reminder that sometimes it takes time and just hanging on as best you can. Hope y'all have a great Holidays.
Yes and maybe miracles are real. It certainly feels like it is in this case, not sure how else to describe it. Even though we've only known each other for 2 years, we both really do believe she was meant to be my kid. And of course we are very lucky that my wife and her guardian are 100% supportive of it. She's just such a sweet kid, I just think the world of her.
 
How have some of you handled the “letting them go” or letting go of the worry? Should I just stop “helping/advising” and only wait for them to ask for help?

Like no more parenting, just listening and helping not if necessary?
Have you asked your kid(s) what they want? They may come back and say, "Yeah, I just need you to back off a little. I'll try to do it myself and if I can't I'll ask for help", or it may make them realize you're only offering advice as a way to help and they really want that.

Not saying this is the answer, that's just what popped into my head reading this part of your thread.
 
Wife is feeling unloved and unneeded by the girls.
Probably means you are both doing something right. When Mr R started school, my MIL was a bit put out that he just ran into school all excited to be there. Same deal here. You have confident kids. But they do still need you. At some point, the odds are they'll come home for some home comfort. Just be open when it happens. It will just feel weird for a while.
I would love to feel unneeded by my children. At 18 and 24 neither of my children have ever left. Ha ha
 
My son isn't even a teenager (yet) but man he's a-changin'. Came back from a week in Louisiana between Christmas and New Years with his mom and sister with a fat silver chain, Air Jordans and is putting (too much) cologne on. :oldunsure:
This is my (just turned) 12 yr old. Baggy JNCO jeans, messy TikTok hair, and too much cologne.
 
My son isn't even a teenager (yet) but man he's a-changin'. Came back from a week in Louisiana between Christmas and New Years with his mom and sister with a fat silver chain, Air Jordans and is putting (too much) cologne on. :oldunsure:
This is my (just turned) 12 yr old. Baggy JNCO jeans, messy TikTok hair, and too much cologne.
Oh, yeah... my 12-year old also has the hair that looks like an alpaca.
 
My son isn't even a teenager (yet) but man he's a-changin'. Came back from a week in Louisiana between Christmas and New Years with his mom and sister with a fat silver chain, Air Jordans and is putting (too much) cologne on. :oldunsure:
This is my (just turned) 12 yr old. Baggy JNCO jeans, messy TikTok hair, and too much cologne.
Oh, yeah... my 12-year old also has the hair that looks like an alpaca.
 
Are the boys getting perms? I've been hearing about this at my kids school.
In short, yes. My son (turned 12 in November) started talking about getting one at least a year ago. I think it goes along with the alpaca look (see above). One of the kids on his flag football team got one. Kinda ridiculous.
 
Are the boys getting perms? I've been hearing about this at my kids school.
In short, yes. My son (turned 12 in November) started talking about getting one at least a year ago. I think it goes along with the alpaca look (see above). One of the kids on his flag football team got one. Kinda ridiculous.
Kinda? It's better than Jheri Curl, but only just.
 
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Are the boys getting perms? I've been hearing about this at my kids school.
Yes and I know some other kids who have straightened their hair. I think they are all going to be pretty embarrassed by the stupid alpaca hairstyle when they get older but that’s part of growing up I think. We all likely had some questionable style choices as teens.
 
Are the boys getting perms? I've been hearing about this at my kids school.
Yes and I know some other kids who have straightened their hair. I think they are all going to be pretty embarrassed by the stupid alpaca hairstyle when they get older but that’s part of growing up I think. We all likely had some questionable style choices as teens.
It's the whole point of being young... Stupid hair.
 
Are the boys getting perms? I've been hearing about this at my kids school.
Yes and I know some other kids who have straightened their hair. I think they are all going to be pretty embarrassed by the stupid alpaca hairstyle when they get older but that’s part of growing up I think. We all likely had some questionable style choices as teens.
It's the whole point of being young... Stupid hair.
I decided to grow a mullet like Andre Agassi in 1988/89. That was a bad idea. Seeing pics from that time…….ugh. My kids just 😆😂🤣😅
 
Are the boys getting perms? I've been hearing about this at my kids school.
Yes and I know some other kids who have straightened their hair. I think they are all going to be pretty embarrassed by the stupid alpaca hairstyle when they get older but that’s part of growing up I think. We all likely had some questionable style choices as teens.
It's the whole point of being young... Stupid hair.
I decided to grow a mullet like Andre Agassi in 1988/89. That was a bad idea. Seeing pics from that time…….ugh. My kids just 😆😂🤣😅
I started with basically a bowl/prince valiant, moved to a mullet c1983, whitesnake style a year later, bono pony for a few years after that, long "v" bangs (party in the front, business in the back) for a few years after that, and then after that shaved once...ONCE. that's beginning of HS through end of college. It was a run.
 
My son isn't even a teenager (yet) but man he's a-changin'. Came back from a week in Louisiana between Christmas and New Years with his mom and sister with a fat silver chain, Air Jordans and is putting (too much) cologne on. :oldunsure:
This is my (just turned) 12 yr old. Baggy JNCO jeans, messy TikTok hair, and too much cologne.
Oh, yeah... my 12-year old also has the hair that looks like an alpaca.
This cut is so popular there is a name for it --- The Broccoli Top
 
the best thing you can do as a parent is do the best you can do and be a parent most of the time and a friend when its what is called for and i think the big thing is that what most of dont realize is that when we are watching our kids grow up they are watching us grow up too so cut yourself slack if you make some mistakes but just keep on trying your best every single day and that is all you can do take that to the bank brohans
 
How have some of you handled the “letting them go” or letting go of the worry? Should I just stop “helping/advising” and only wait for them to ask for help?

Like no more parenting, just listening and helping not if necessary?
Have you asked your kid(s) what they want? They may come back and say, "Yeah, I just need you to back off a little. I'll try to do it myself and if I can't I'll ask for help", or it may make them realize you're only offering advice as a way to help and they really want that.

Not saying this is the answer, that's just what popped into my head reading this part of your thread.

Appreciate ya - I was sorta just venting. Not long after my last post all the girls in my house just need a few minutes together (and for Mom to give a stern reminder to get along,) and everyone was all smiles and love again. Warm, busy and loud, thats our house.

We are just still in the weird place between being their parents/caretakers and letting them fall on their face on their own. It will work itself out. We have a few years left of paying for college and then we are off the hook financially for the big stuff. Momma bear is always gonna buy them little stuff here and there to help along.
 
the best thing you can do as a parent is do the best you can do and be a parent most of the time and a friend when its what is called for and i think the big thing is that what most of dont realize is that when we are watching our kids grow up they are watching us grow up too so cut yourself slack if you make some mistakes but just keep on trying your best every single day and that is all you can do take that to the bank brohans
You can also remember that those pictures make excellent bribery material later on.
 
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Are the boys getting perms? I've been hearing about this at my kids school.
Yes and I know some other kids who have straightened their hair. I think they are all going to be pretty embarrassed by the stupid alpaca hairstyle when they get older but that’s part of growing up I think. We all likely had some questionable style choices as teens.
It's the whole point of being young... Stupid hair.
I decided to grow a mullet like Andre Agassi in 1988/89. That was a bad idea. Seeing pics from that time…….ugh. My kids just 😆😂🤣😅
I was total soccer mullet guy.



I was pretty sexy if I say so myself. :love:
 
Are the boys getting perms? I've been hearing about this at my kids school.
Yes and I know some other kids who have straightened their hair. I think they are all going to be pretty embarrassed by the stupid alpaca hairstyle when they get older but that’s part of growing up I think. We all likely had some questionable style choices as teens.
It's the whole point of being young... Stupid hair.
I decided to grow a mullet like Andre Agassi in 1988/89. That was a bad idea. Seeing pics from that time…….ugh. My kids just 😆😂🤣😅
I was total soccer mullet guy.



I was pretty sexy if I say so myself. :love:

Y...ya......YOU......played.......soccer!?!?!?!


Not you Chief, say it isn't so!?!?!?! :o
 
Are the boys getting perms? I've been hearing about this at my kids school.
Yes and I know some other kids who have straightened their hair. I think they are all going to be pretty embarrassed by the stupid alpaca hairstyle when they get older but that’s part of growing up I think. We all likely had some questionable style choices as teens.
It's the whole point of being young... Stupid hair.
I decided to grow a mullet like Andre Agassi in 1988/89. That was a bad idea. Seeing pics from that time…….ugh. My kids just 😆😂🤣😅
I was total soccer mullet guy.



I was pretty sexy if I say so myself. :love:
Man. My image of you is shattered. I thought you had varsity letters in fishing and hunting. So much for Mr Northwoods Wisconsin 2025.
 
I had the Justin Bieber 15 years before he did. Not sure if that makes it better or worse but then transitioned into the typical of the time boy band spikey look and then into the good old bedhead of the early 00s.
 
Are the boys getting perms? I've been hearing about this at my kids school.
Yes and I know some other kids who have straightened their hair. I think they are all going to be pretty embarrassed by the stupid alpaca hairstyle when they get older but that’s part of growing up I think. We all likely had some questionable style choices as teens.
It's the whole point of being young... Stupid hair.
I decided to grow a mullet like Andre Agassi in 1988/89. That was a bad idea. Seeing pics from that time…….ugh. My kids just 😆😂🤣😅
I was total soccer mullet guy.



I was pretty sexy if I say so myself. :love:
Man. My image of you is shattered. I thought you had varsity letters in fishing and hunting. So much for Mr Northwoods Wisconsin 2025.
I am a man of mystery of many interests.
 
Are the boys getting perms? I've been hearing about this at my kids school.
Yes and I know some other kids who have straightened their hair. I think they are all going to be pretty embarrassed by the stupid alpaca hairstyle when they get older but that’s part of growing up I think. We all likely had some questionable style choices as teens.
It's the whole point of being young... Stupid hair.
I decided to grow a mullet like Andre Agassi in 1988/89. That was a bad idea. Seeing pics from that time…….ugh. My kids just 😆😂🤣😅
I was total soccer mullet guy.



I was pretty sexy if I say so myself. :love:

Y...ya......YOU......played.......soccer!?!?!?!


Not you Chief, say it isn't so!?!?!?! :o
As a matter of fact, I played in college. Got two years of fully paid school out of the deal.

Wish I was playing these days with all the opportunities available for soccer.
 

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