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Tell a Good Joke (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter tikigods
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Dan Lambskin
Footballguy
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
tikigods
Footballguy
GOTY tie breaker back.I for one thinks Tiki's jokes were very funny.
Mr. Ected
Footballguy
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.
During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time,
asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand.
The pastor called on him and the little boy said:
"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time,
asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand.
The pastor called on him and the little boy said:
"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
dmac37
Footballguy
Favorite joke of all time:
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day a gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''
Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''
She says: ''You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.'' Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''
Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''
''You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.'' The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: ''May I help you?''
Bob says: ''Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.''
''But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...''
Bob replies: ''Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!''
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day a gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''
Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''
She says: ''You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.'' Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''
Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''
''You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.'' The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: ''May I help you?''
Bob says: ''Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.''
''But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...''
Bob replies: ''Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!''
dmac37
Footballguy
2nd favorite:
A man, lets call him jim, goes to his buddys costume party wearing nothing but a pair of pants. Jim's friend walks over to him and says "hey, jim... uh what are you supposed to be?" Jim smiles and says "well im a premature ejaculation." His friend looks puzzled and asks "okay, well why arent you wearing any shoes... or a shirt?" Jim laughs and says "I just came in my pants!"
A man, lets call him jim, goes to his buddys costume party wearing nothing but a pair of pants. Jim's friend walks over to him and says "hey, jim... uh what are you supposed to be?" Jim smiles and says "well im a premature ejaculation." His friend looks puzzled and asks "okay, well why arent you wearing any shoes... or a shirt?" Jim laughs and says "I just came in my pants!"
tikigods
Footballguy
ClownCausedChaos2
Footballguy
dozer
Footballguy
There is a shipwreck and the only two survivors are this ordinary guy named Bob and Sofia Vergara. They both wash up on the shore of beautiful and deserted island and await rescue.
But rescue never comes. Days, weeks, months go by, and eventually Bob and Sofia grow close, fall in love, and become intimate.
About six months later, in the bungalo Bob built from dead palm trees with his own hands, he looks deeply into Sofia's eyes and asks an awkward question.
"Sofia, will you put on this dirty ballcap, and tuck all your hair under it"?
"Jess Bob, jess I will. i love you and I'll do any thing for you"!
And then Bob asks "Sofia, will you take this charcol from the fire and paint a mustache on your upper lip",
Sofia replies "Jess Bob, jess I will. i love you and I'll do any thing for you"!
And then Bob asks "Sofia, can I call you Jim"?
And she replies "Jess Bob, jess you can. i love you and I'll do any thing for you"!
Then Bob says "Jim! You won't believe who I've been ####-ing"!
But rescue never comes. Days, weeks, months go by, and eventually Bob and Sofia grow close, fall in love, and become intimate.
About six months later, in the bungalo Bob built from dead palm trees with his own hands, he looks deeply into Sofia's eyes and asks an awkward question.
"Sofia, will you put on this dirty ballcap, and tuck all your hair under it"?
"Jess Bob, jess I will. i love you and I'll do any thing for you"!
And then Bob asks "Sofia, will you take this charcol from the fire and paint a mustache on your upper lip",
Sofia replies "Jess Bob, jess I will. i love you and I'll do any thing for you"!
And then Bob asks "Sofia, can I call you Jim"?
And she replies "Jess Bob, jess you can. i love you and I'll do any thing for you"!
Then Bob says "Jim! You won't believe who I've been ####-ing"!
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
Just to show the effects of inflation, the first time I heard this joke it was 5 cents.
ClownCausedChaos2
Footballguy
Mickey and Minnie Mouse have decided to get a divorce. They're sitting in the lawyer's office one day, discussing the divorce, when the lawyer lioks to Mickey and says, "Now, you say you want a divorce because Minnie's crazy?"
Mickey replies, "No! I said she ####in' Goofy!"
Mickey replies, "No! I said she ####in' Goofy!"
NFLJUNKEY
Footballguy
A Baptist, Catholic and a Mormon were bragging about their families.
The Baptist said, "I've got 4 kids. 1 more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic said, "I've got 8 kids. 1 more and I'll have a baseball team."
The Mormon said, "I've got 17 wives. 1 more and I'll have a golf course."
The Baptist said, "I've got 4 kids. 1 more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic said, "I've got 8 kids. 1 more and I'll have a baseball team."
The Mormon said, "I've got 17 wives. 1 more and I'll have a golf course."
Dan Lambskin
Footballguy
Fennis
Footballguy
mquinnjr
Footballguy
ClownCausedChaos2
Footballguy
What's the difference between an epileptic at an oyster bar and a hooker with diarrhea?
The epileptic gets the fits between the shucks.
The epileptic gets the fits between the shucks.
tikigods
Footballguy
Guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of ten dollar bills. He asks the bartender what is up with the jar of money. The bartender says if you put in 10 dollars and pass three tests you get the money. The guy asks what the three tests are. The bartender tells him to put in a ten and he'll tell him. The guy does.
The first test, you need to drink an entire bottle of pepper vodka in one drink without stopping.
The second test, you need to go outside and remove a sore tooth from a pit bull.
Third, you need to go upstairs and make my 90 year old grandmother get off.
Well the guy decides to down some tequila first and think it over. After he is good and drunk he takes the bottle of pepper vodka and downs it. He then stumbles outside to the where the pit bull is chained up. The people inside here a scuffle, screaming, and then whining from the dog.
The guy stumbles back into the bar with his shirt torn and covered in blood. He walks up the bartender...
Now where is that 90 year old woman with the sore tooth?
The first test, you need to drink an entire bottle of pepper vodka in one drink without stopping.
The second test, you need to go outside and remove a sore tooth from a pit bull.
Third, you need to go upstairs and make my 90 year old grandmother get off.
Well the guy decides to down some tequila first and think it over. After he is good and drunk he takes the bottle of pepper vodka and downs it. He then stumbles outside to the where the pit bull is chained up. The people inside here a scuffle, screaming, and then whining from the dog.
The guy stumbles back into the bar with his shirt torn and covered in blood. He walks up the bartender...
Now where is that 90 year old woman with the sore tooth?
Evilgrin 72
Distributor of Pain
ClownCausedChaos2
Footballguy
For days in the Midwest, the weathermen were calling for severe flooding. One little old religious woman lived right in the center of where the major flooding was reported to happen. As people were beginning to evacuate, the old woman's neighbors knocked on her door. "We're leaving," they said, "Come on, we'll take you with us."
The old woman refused, "I put my trust in the Lord," she replied.
As the flooding began and the woman's first floor flooded, she retreated to the upstairs. Outside of her window, a group of strangers in a boat floated by her window. "Hop in!" they said, "We'll take you to safety!"
The old woman refused, "I put my trust in the Lord," she replied.
As the flooding reached her second floor, the old woman retreated to the roof. Above her, a Coast Guard helicopter dropped a basket. "Climb in!" they yelled, "We'll carry you out of here!"
The old woman refused, "I put my trust in the Lord," she replied.
The flooding eventually reached the old woman and she had no where else to go. She inevitably drowned, and went to Heaven, where she met God. "Lord," she said, "I devoted my entire life to you. Why did you forsake me?"
God looked at the woman and replied, "I sent your neighbors in a car, strangers in a boat, and the Coast Guard in a helicopter. What more do you want from me?"
The old woman refused, "I put my trust in the Lord," she replied.
As the flooding began and the woman's first floor flooded, she retreated to the upstairs. Outside of her window, a group of strangers in a boat floated by her window. "Hop in!" they said, "We'll take you to safety!"
The old woman refused, "I put my trust in the Lord," she replied.
As the flooding reached her second floor, the old woman retreated to the roof. Above her, a Coast Guard helicopter dropped a basket. "Climb in!" they yelled, "We'll carry you out of here!"
The old woman refused, "I put my trust in the Lord," she replied.
The flooding eventually reached the old woman and she had no where else to go. She inevitably drowned, and went to Heaven, where she met God. "Lord," she said, "I devoted my entire life to you. Why did you forsake me?"
God looked at the woman and replied, "I sent your neighbors in a car, strangers in a boat, and the Coast Guard in a helicopter. What more do you want from me?"
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
Four fonts walk into a bar.
The barman says get out, we don't want your type in here.
The barman says get out, we don't want your type in here.
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
A man goes to the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat in front of him. Thinking this to be odd, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: "Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away".
So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?
"I would but they're all at the funeral."
So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?
"I would but they're all at the funeral."
Tom Servo
Nittany Beavers
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
A guy is drunk at a bar and leans over the counter and shouts to the bartender, "hey, wanna hear a Dumb Pollack joke?". The bar tender is annoyed and replies to his drunk customer "oh yeah, a dumb pollack joke? well, go ahead but before you do consider this. I'm Polish and I've got a baseball bat behind the counter here. The bouncer is Polish and he's looking at you right now. Those two guys at the end of the bar are also Polish and one is a football player and the other has a black belt in judo. So do you still wanna tell that joke punk?".
The guy thinks about and replies, "Well not if im gonna have to explain it 4 separate times".
The guy thinks about and replies, "Well not if im gonna have to explain it 4 separate times".
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
ClownCausedChaos2
Footballguy
Dan Lambskin
Footballguy
rockaction
Footballguy
Jackstraw
Footballguy
An old retired paratrooper was in a bar with a buddy. He says "I was a paratrooper but I wasn't very good at it. At the end of basic training it was time to jump out of the airplane and I froze in a panic." The old gun sargeant behind me said "look here son either you jump or I'm gonna shove this M-16 where the sun don't shine."
His buddy said "man that sounds horrible. Did you jump?"
The paratrooper said "a little at first."
His buddy said "man that sounds horrible. Did you jump?"
The paratrooper said "a little at first."
tikigods
Footballguy
Man In The Box
Footballguy
What is the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
A pick-pocket snatches watches.
A pick-pocket snatches watches.
Jack McCoy
Footballguy
I read this one a few weeks back, and it's quickly become my favorite:
A woman is going through a checkout line at a grocery store. She sets down a banana, a quart of milk, a box of granola bars, and some frozen corn.
Looking at her products, the cashier says, "Ooooh, you must be single!"
The woman replies with a smile, "You're right! I am! How did you know?"
"Because you're flipping ugly."
It's beautiful in its simplicity and misdirection. And, of course, if you're telling aloud instead of typing it on a forum that bars bad language, you're going to substitute a different word for "flipping." I can't overstate the magnitude of this other word's effect on the impact of the joke.
A woman is going through a checkout line at a grocery store. She sets down a banana, a quart of milk, a box of granola bars, and some frozen corn.
Looking at her products, the cashier says, "Ooooh, you must be single!"
The woman replies with a smile, "You're right! I am! How did you know?"
"Because you're flipping ugly."
It's beautiful in its simplicity and misdirection. And, of course, if you're telling aloud instead of typing it on a forum that bars bad language, you're going to substitute a different word for "flipping." I can't overstate the magnitude of this other word's effect on the impact of the joke.
Jojo the circus boy
Footballguy
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
ClownCausedChaos2
Footballguy
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
Keep the tip.
Lutherman2112
Footballguy
At a bar in Columbus, Ga. the live entertainment had to cancel one Friday night. The musician's manager was very disturbed. He knew that people paid a hefty cover just to hear this guy sing. At about 9:00 I went up to the bar to get another beer and I saw this manager fella' chain-smokin' Salem Lights.
I said, "Good buddy, what time is the show going to start?"
He said, "Friend, there might not be a show. I just don't know what to do."
I told this guy to step up on stage and tell these folks something or he was going to have a riot on his hands. Well, he got up there and told everybody that the musician wasn't going to be able to play. Well, this guy is so popular in Columbus that everyone was just stunned; a hush just fell over the crowd.
After a few minutes of silence this wormy looking guy stood up and hollered, "Hey! I can pick a little bit. Mind if I come up and scrub a couple off?"
This manager said, "Uh..sure thing pal, come on up here."
Well, wormy got up there and strapped on the guitar and said into the mic, "Thank you kindly. This one is an original I wrote, I call it 'Pulling a Greasy String Out of a Cat's Butt."
The crowd drew back a little, as you might imagine, but he started picking and it was some of the most unbelievable music you've ever heard. He got a standing ovation it was so good!
The wormy musician said, "Thank you kindly, this next one is another original, I call it "Your Memory Haunts Me Like a Big Ol' ####-filled Ball in the Crack of My ###'."
Again, the crowd winced but he scrubbed off a ballad that was so beautiful that women were gasping for air. He said, "Thank you kindly, this next one is another original, called 'I Love You Like a Big Ol' Green-haired Fly on a Fresh, Steamin' Pile of Dog Crap'."
The crowd backed up and made ugly faces but Wormy ripped off a ballad even more beautiful than the last one! Women were fainting in the aisles and grown men were breaking down in tears. About this time, Wormy motioned for that manager and said, "Any way I can take five minutes to heed the call?"
"Sure thing, good buddy," the manager replied happily. "When you come back, you can play all you want but do me a favor... how 'bout not announcing the names of the songs before you play them. The crowd is sorta wincing 'cuz of 'em.
Wormy looked at him and replied, "No problem. I got ya' big guy!"
He came back out of the can five minutes later and it immediately became painfully obvious that he had forgotten to zip up his pants. He was hanging out in the breeze, if you know what I mean.
Well he got up on stage and this drunk redneck stood up in the back and hollered, "Hey! D'ya know your pants is unzipped and your tally-whacker is hanging out?"
Wormy grinned his reply, "Know it? Hell I wrote it!!!"
I said, "Good buddy, what time is the show going to start?"
He said, "Friend, there might not be a show. I just don't know what to do."
I told this guy to step up on stage and tell these folks something or he was going to have a riot on his hands. Well, he got up there and told everybody that the musician wasn't going to be able to play. Well, this guy is so popular in Columbus that everyone was just stunned; a hush just fell over the crowd.
After a few minutes of silence this wormy looking guy stood up and hollered, "Hey! I can pick a little bit. Mind if I come up and scrub a couple off?"
This manager said, "Uh..sure thing pal, come on up here."
Well, wormy got up there and strapped on the guitar and said into the mic, "Thank you kindly. This one is an original I wrote, I call it 'Pulling a Greasy String Out of a Cat's Butt."
The crowd drew back a little, as you might imagine, but he started picking and it was some of the most unbelievable music you've ever heard. He got a standing ovation it was so good!
The wormy musician said, "Thank you kindly, this next one is another original, I call it "Your Memory Haunts Me Like a Big Ol' ####-filled Ball in the Crack of My ###'."
Again, the crowd winced but he scrubbed off a ballad that was so beautiful that women were gasping for air. He said, "Thank you kindly, this next one is another original, called 'I Love You Like a Big Ol' Green-haired Fly on a Fresh, Steamin' Pile of Dog Crap'."
The crowd backed up and made ugly faces but Wormy ripped off a ballad even more beautiful than the last one! Women were fainting in the aisles and grown men were breaking down in tears. About this time, Wormy motioned for that manager and said, "Any way I can take five minutes to heed the call?"
"Sure thing, good buddy," the manager replied happily. "When you come back, you can play all you want but do me a favor... how 'bout not announcing the names of the songs before you play them. The crowd is sorta wincing 'cuz of 'em.
Wormy looked at him and replied, "No problem. I got ya' big guy!"
He came back out of the can five minutes later and it immediately became painfully obvious that he had forgotten to zip up his pants. He was hanging out in the breeze, if you know what I mean.
Well he got up on stage and this drunk redneck stood up in the back and hollered, "Hey! D'ya know your pants is unzipped and your tally-whacker is hanging out?"
Wormy grinned his reply, "Know it? Hell I wrote it!!!"
BustedKnuckles
Footballguy
honky kong
Footballguy
A guy comes home one night with a duck under his arm and walks up to his wife.
Guy: "This is the pig I've been ####ing that I was telling you about."
Wife: "That's not a pig, it's a duck."
Guy: "I wasn't talking to you."
Guy: "This is the pig I've been ####ing that I was telling you about."
Wife: "That's not a pig, it's a duck."
Guy: "I wasn't talking to you."
seahawk 17
Footballguy
What do you call a stranded hitchhiker?
Black
eens:
Black
eens:
